1 Maccabees Chapter 7: Bible Study by Atheists

Judas Maccabeus is back on his murder tour, and this time 1 Maccabees 7 serves up beheaded generals, and one extremely “arrogant” right hand that ends up hanging "beside" Jerusalem like a bloody lawn ornament. The crew kicks off by trying (and failing) to untangle which Antiochus is which, who Demetrius is replacing, and whether anyone in this book has ever heard of clear pronouns. War elephants from the last chapter get a recap, John-Wick-style martyrdom included.

We meet new villains—Bacchides, Alcimus, and Nicanor, all of whom swear “peace” with the same sincerity as a televangelist asking for seed money. The hosts roast their oath-breaking nonsense, the constant ambushes, and the idea that cussing in the temple is somehow worse than slaughtering entire armies. They land on the 13th of Adar as a bloody victory day and start plotting how to celebrate it with a fake head and a giant foam hand nailed “beside the house.”

Along the way, they rant about divine hitman prayers (“Dear God, please kill these dudes for us”), the Bible’s obsession with vengeance, and how every “great army” somehow folds like wet cardboard the second Judas shows up. If you like your Bible with a side of profanity, historical snark, and total disrespect for holy war propaganda, this one’s for you.

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📌 Topics Covered:

• Judas Maccabeus vs. Demetrius, Bacchides, Alcimus, and Nicanor – the never-ending war of guy-with-army vs. guy-with-army
• Oath-breaking “men of peace” who always show up with swords and backup troops
• Priests begging God to commit mass murder because someone blasphemed in the temple
• The 13th of Adar, Nicanor’s defeat, and why his chopped-off head and right hand become party décor
• Bible propaganda 101: how to spin slaughter into “godly justice”
• The hosts’ total confusion over who killed whom… and righteous mockery of biblical pronoun soup
• Brainstorming a modern Nicanor Day with foam hands and plastic heads on the lawn

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“Dear God, please fucking kill those guys that are making me so mad.”