1106 - Why Porn Is Harder to Quit for High-Performing Men

Some of the men who struggle the most with porn are also the ones doing the best on paper.

They're discipline, productive, faithful, respected, which makes the struggle even more confusing.

Because if you can lead, build, and perform under pressure, why can't you quit this?

In this episode, I want to explain why porn is actually harder to quit for high-performing men,

and why that doesn't mean you're weak.

It means you've been misdiagnosed.

My name is Cynthia Sam. Welcome to The Man Within Podcast.

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Now, let's get into it from one high performer to a next.

This is one of my favorite subjects to talk about because I listen to a lot of content on high performance.

I read a lot of content. I really consider myself a high performer.

And I love speaking and working with other high performers.

And so, yeah, I've been really trying to come up with more content like this.

And I hope that if you yourself are a high performer or you want to be a high performer,

I think you'll find this really insightful because pornography is rampant among high performers in some really interesting ways.

As a starting point, I think the thing we have to understand is high performance actually masks issues longer.

This is a really, really uncomfortable truth about being a high performer.

When you are a high performer, you are excellent at compartmentalizing, delaying consequences, and functioning while fractured.

It's just the truth.

Now, porn doesn't immediately break a high performer's life.

It just stays around long enough to further the decay.

And success kind of becomes this false evidence like, hey, I'm doing pretty well in business.

I'm doing pretty well in the field.

Everything looks pretty good. I must be okay.

Or this must not really be affecting me that much.

And what happens is pain gets postponed instead of being processed.

Now, I want you to hear this very carefully and this will be very important if you're a high performer.

Functioning is not the same as freedom.

That's the goal, right?

As believers and men of God, freedom is our goal.

It's not for functioning sake that Christ set us free, like it says in Galatians 5.1.

It's for freedom sake.

That's what we're after.

The interesting thing is for a high performer self-control is kind of the name of the game.

That's what allows you to perform at a high level.

You must be disciplined. You must be controlled.

And as great as that is when it comes to quitting pornography,

self-control can actually be a liability, right?

Because we learn to solve problems with effort, right?

Just grate your teeth and push through.

Doesn't matter how hard it is, just do it.

That certainly was my approach to pornography for many of the first years that I tried to quit.

But porn simply doesn't respond to effort the same way.

And so willpower fails you, right?

It works for a bit.

And then it fails you when stress spikes, a motion surface,

a curveball comes into your life or enough fatigue sets in.

And when you kind of just keep relying on your self-control,

you ultimately delay yourself from asking for help.

Because that's what self-control is.

It's control of the self.

I don't need anyone else.

I got this.

And if we keep relying on self-control,

even though it can make us successful in so many areas of our lives,

it basically just delays us from getting the help we need.

And what's actually crazy, bro, and I'll just say this,

because I think it's important,

is if you look at like a LeBron James,

who by all accounts is successful.

You know, he's a billionaire.

He's one of the greatest basketball players of all time,

not maybe the greatest.

You know, we'll say that debate for another episode.

LeBron spends a million dollars a year on his body, right?

This is like well documented.

And most of that is not treatment and supplements

and training equipment.

It's people.

It's coaches.

It's trainers.

It's specialists, right?

If you really start to kind of microscope

the most successful people in the world,

you start to realize that none of them did it on their own.

They all have people that are supporting them,

people that are helping them,

people that are coaching them.

And so you have to be careful with the self-control thing,

because what made you successful can actually keep you stuck.

Now, the other thing with high performers,

and this is something I've witnessed quite a bit,

especially working with professional athletes

and business owners, I would say,

and maybe to extend some high-level medical professionals

as well, like some top-level surgeons and that kind of thing,

is that porn becomes a private regulator.

Okay, porn becomes a private regulator, right?

High performers carry pressure and expectations

and responsibilities, internal and external.

And porn becomes this predictable relief.

It becomes a private regulator.

And it has zero emotional risk,

which is so appealing when you are living with the weight

of the world on your shoulders in your day-to-day life.

And so porn is not this indulgence, right?

It's actually coping.

And the cost is not obvious, right?

The cost is you become a little bit more numb,

a little bit more relationally distant.

You become quietly a little bit more dissatisfied in life.

But a little more dissatisfaction here

and a little bit more numbness there

and things start to compound, right?

And so where your pressure is unprocessed,

where you don't have the healthy outlet,

these are the areas where porn thrives.

And that's why this whole emotional regulation thing is so important.

And as a matter of fact, with athletes, it's fascinating

because athletes have incredible emotional regulation

in their game, in their craft, their sport.

And where they excel,

they are incredibly regulated.

They're focused and they're calm and they're present.

A dysregulated athlete is very ineffective.

And so we know this.

We know this as high performers,

that we have to be a regulated,

sorry, we have to be regulated to be at our best.

But sometimes we don't realize that with all the pressures

and with the dysregulation that inevitably comes up,

pornography becomes this coping mechanism.

It's not an actual solution.

Okay, another thing for high performers to understand about this subject

is that high performers relapse differently.

I would say that relapses with high performers

tend to be less frequent or more kind of cyclically and burst.

So it's not just a little bit here,

a lot a little bit there,

and it's not just like every three weeks I have a little bit of a slip.

It's when I slip, it's super intense and then I stop.

And then I slip again and it's super intense.

That's typically the case.

They tend to be more hidden.

High performers are very good at hiding.

And they also, because they're more hidden,

we know for a fact then that they have more shame involved.

There's this internal narrative like,

I should be past this.

I can't let people know I'm struggling with this.

What would they think of me?

They'll look at me different.

They'll think of me different.

And if people think of me differently,

then I lose my value.

I lose my significance.

I lose who I am.

So we hold on to this fake, deluded,

shame-fueled identity.

And it leaves us more isolated.

And that greater isolation rather reinforces the habit.

It leaves us more prone to just falling in those same cycles.

Maybe they shorten, maybe they expand.

But the cycles persist nonetheless.

And I would say,

if you're a high performer and you're faith-filled,

you're a man of faith,

you're a man of God,

the shame can grow even deeper, right?

Because we feel like we should know better.

We should be better.

Now, I've talked a lot about, you know,

the dynamic here.

But I'm not going to leave you here.

That'd be off-brand, right?

Let's talk about what actually works for high-performing men.

Here's the kicker of this all.

High-performing men don't need more intensity,

which is what we tend to do with these addiction issues.

We look for just more intense problems

and we try to kind of throw gasoline on the fire.

We get super rigid and super self-disciplined.

Most high-performing men, in my experience,

need a better system, okay?

And they need permission to be honest inside of it.

So here's a couple things that I mean specifically.

Number one, for a high-performer,

you need to see vulnerability as a skill,

not just a feeling, all right?

A lot of high-performers are waiting to feel safe

before they open up.

And I get it.

I get it that you want to feel perfectly safe

and you want to have it.

Guaranteed that nothing will change in your life

and you'll continue to be, you know,

lauded as this amazing person.

But the reality is freedom,

like biblical freedom comes from practice honesty, okay?

It's not about just feeling safe.

You have to put yourself out there a little bit.

Now, I'm not saying that you have to go share it with the world.

In fact, I would strongly discourage that.

I'm talking about one or two safe men.

And that alone goes a really long way.

And let's remember that vulnerability is not emotional dumping.

It's not just about sharing your whole life story

and getting all your baggage out on the table.

Vulnerability is letting people see you for who you really are.

And there's a risk there.

But it's actually a beautiful thing.

And as we know, if you've had any kind of financial success,

you'll know that you have to take some risk to be financially successful.

There is no risk-free path that leads to incredible wealth.

So this whole vulnerability thing is actually something you can leverage.

It can actually lead to incredible growth.

But you have to be willing to take that first step.

Probably the most important thing for higher performers.

If you get nothing else from our time together today,

let it be this.

Systems.

Guys, systems.

Beat.

Willpower.

Systems.

Beat.

White-knockling.

Systems.

Beat.

Self-control.

In fact, your self-control will increase with the right system.

So if you treat recovery like any other high stakes domain,

you know, feedback loops, early warning signs, containment.

Right?

These kinds of systems can help.

Those are very superficial systems.

But, you know, like the deep-cleaned system,

build self-awareness, heal the heart, shift your identity.

That kind of protocol is really useful for high performers

because it gives them something to follow.

And so instead of having to figure it all out on their own,

which is what, you know, a lot of you guys are doing in your other areas of life,

having a system for recovery goes a long way.

It's built out for you.

You follow it step by step.

And truthfully, your ability to follow systems,

establish systems, build systems in your life,

is kind of the reason that you got to where you are right now anyway.

This is a big deal.

So having a system goes a really long way.

And the better the system is,

the more likely you are to break out of these cycles

and walk into legitimate freedom.

Systems are everything.

Now the last thing.

This is so important.

This is a tough one for high performers to hear.

But I'm here to tell you the truth.

I'm not just here to tickle your ears.

Childhood patterns are probably still running the program.

High performers learn at a very early age to self-suit the loan.

They learn to suppress their need.

They learn to perform for approval.

And so porn is the perfect place to enter this kind of seed bed.

Right?

Because porn helps us meet these needs temporarily.

It helps us, you know, soothe emotional discomfort.

And it takes the edge off.

It gives the relief from that pressure to be the strong one.

And so this is where modalities like inner child work,

which is what we practice in deep clean.

And some of these other systems really go a long way.

Having those specific areas or specific tools that allow you to address.

And that's why I love inner child work is because I can teach you to do it.

And then you can continue to do it on yourself.

Inner child work is legitimately a tool that you can have in your tool belt

that allows you to tackle some of these deeper childhood elements

without, if it's done properly, without affecting your performance.

And that's the key.

In fact, I will argue if done properly,

this will enhance your performance, not subtract it.

And a lot of a lot of guys misunderstand that.

All right?

So the key here is that you cannot just discipline your way through it.

If childhood wounds are there, which they are for all of us,

they have to be addressed and they have to be addressed effectively.

So my friend, if porn has been harder to quit,

the more capable you become, that's not a contradiction.

It's a clue.

Right?

It means your strength has been carrying things.

It was never meant to carry a loan.

But when high performing men learn to combine honest vulnerability,

clear systems and deeper self-understanding,

freedom no longer feels like a private battle.

It starts to become a predictable outcome.

That's what it's about and that's the system.

Now you don't need less drive.

You need a better framework.

And so if you're looking for more help with this,

make sure you get your copy of my book, The Last Reelops.

My entire deep clean system is detailed in that book.

From A to Z, it's the full blueprint that you need to recover.

It comes with a free workbook.

And it comes with a community of readers of the book.

If you want to join that and not do this thing alone,

all of that can start for you for free.

You can get a free download of The Last Reelops at the last relapsebook.com.

God bless you, my man.

Thank you so much for listening.

I'll see you in the next episode.