14111 Steve Harper Interviews Sherri Ann Alexandrovich Owner of New Beginnings Wellness Center

Broadcasting from the business capital of the world, this is the podcast business news network.

Hey, welcome back, everybody.

The more I think about this, the more I realize that this is probably one of the most important

things in any situation, any relationship, anything, it's expectations.

We have expectations, or we fail to set expectations there on lies communication issues and so

much more.

Let's talk about the expectations today.

I always have high expectations for her because she always delivers such valuable insight

in what she does and that all comes courtesy of what she does and has been doing for years

in helping people move their lives forward in terms of mental health.

Got a great facility up in Massachusetts called New Beginnings and I love having her on here.

Diamond of the decade, Sherry and Alexandra Vitch is back with us.

How are you doing today?

I'm doing great.

How about yourself?

Real good.

Real good.

I'm loving this topic because the more I like think of scenarios in my mind, it all comes

back to expectations.

How does it?

There does.

Absolutely.

Everything comes down to perspectives and expectations and those in itself are both tied

together as well because our perspectives are also tied into what our expectations are

and that can be such a diverse topic depending on who you are and what the topic is because

we come to this world with such an eclectic background and just different fragments of

information and experiences that all shape everything that we do moving forward.

Help me understand expectations and perspective.

Okay.

So those are similar yet not.

So expectations are things that we have in terms of what are we hoping for or what are

we, I'm trying to find a different word for expect but when an outcome is something

that we think that it should be.

So for instance, our expectation is that we're going to get up every day and we're going

to go down and we're going to be able to start our coffee, do our morning workout and move

forward with things.

That's our expectation for ourselves and what's that built on?

It's built on our goals.

It's built on ambition.

It's built on things that we're hoping to achieve.

It's also built on experiences of what we have successfully done in the past or things

that have been done to us because sometimes our expectations are either really positive

or really negative and that really kind of just goes down to what our experiences have

been and what our internal dialogue of positivity and hope versus negativity would all of

that kind of comes into place.

Perspectives, that is about how are we seeing things and that also is multifaceted because

everything that we experience, how we see it, what we expect from it, what we want from

it are all shaped from a multitude of different things.

It's shaped from childhood experiences, it's shaped from adult experiences, it's shaped

from relationships.

Memories, it all ties together and how we look at something or what our expectations for

other people are.

Does that make sense?

It really does and it's interesting how two people can have different perspective and

different expectations and I think I'm going to say this, it will never be the same.

It can't be the same.

It might be close.

Absolutely.

Right?

Yeah.

Right.

You know why is because we're such individualized.

There are no two people who have the exact same DNA makeup.

There are no two people who have the same exact experiences.

I mean, similar to you could have a family of three children in each of those three children

have a completely different perspective on what their childhood looked like or a completely

different expectation or memory of how they were parented or the love that they did

or did not receive.

And that really shapes the world and how they see it, which then shapes decisions, which

then shapes expectations, which then shapes perspectives.

So it all plays a part in how we're reviewing something and what was our life experience

from that.

This is so true and I had this conversation with my sister, twin sister.

So we're growing up at the same time, yes.

And she said, you know, I remember back when we were babies, we were really young that

every time I would be crying, you would be crying.

And then when mom came over, you would cry louder and right away she would take care

of you.

And I look at her and I'm like, what are you talking about?

Like, I don't remember that.

I'm like, what are they coming from?

And she was very convinced of having that memory and that was her perspective of

babies, you know, I don't know what the first memory was, but that's, you know, whether

it was, you know, one of whatever it was, but that's her view of it.

I got nothing there.

I don't know what you're talking about.

So it's interesting, you know, we were growing up at the same time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's what's so amazing about the human mind is our experiences are so different

and they're shaped so diversely from one situation to the next.

And that impacts our responses.

It impacts not only how we view something, but how we perceive something and how we experience

something.

Because if we're already in a triggered or heightened state, then the words in which we

receive from somebody else or the actions in which we receive are directly tied to the

place that we're at in that moment.

Can you give an example?

Absolutely.

So if we're in a really negative space and somebody sends us a text message, that's

a one word text message and that could be a very neutral, a very neutral sentence.

The interpretation of that is going to directly be linked to what type of a space are we

in right now.

If we're in a positive space, then we're going to see that as a positive message.

If we're in a negative space, we're going to see that as a negative message because where

we're at is directly tied to how we perceive something.

And that can be negative, positive or neutral.

And that's why it's really important to always follow up with the question of further

clarification rather than making an assumption of what you think that other person may or

may not have said.

It's so true.

Because somebody could send a reply on a text and this varies this one word, sure.

So you could be asking, hey, you want to get together later?

And depending on your frame of mind, you might be thinking, sure, yeah, they want to get

together.

It's great.

Or you might be in a negative frame of mind at that moment.

Sure.

Yeah.

Whatever I'll do it.

Yeah.

Sure.

Sure.

Whatever.

There are ways, I guess, that's your perspective at that moment, right?

Right.

Right.

Absolutely.

And everything is tied to the space that we're in.

And that's why it's so important for us to practice to pause and always kind of stop

and think and re-evaluate what is it that we thought that we were perceiving or what

is it that we thought that other person was saying or doing or not doing and not saying.

And that's why it's really important for us to be able to evaluate things and have

that internal kind of dialogue where we can say, let's stop and let's re-evaluate what

that looks like.

Are we open to other possibilities?

Because we don't ever want to get into that narrow frame of mind where our way is the

only way.

Or we don't ever want to assume what somebody else may need or may want in that moment.

Because sometimes we will put on somebody else how we like to be supported.

But that doesn't necessarily mean that's how they like to be supported.

So what we're doing is we're taking our expectations for ourselves and we're now projecting

them on to somebody else.

And sometimes that's not fair to do.

Yes.

Now let's go to expectations.

Yes.

Should expectations be set in every situation?

I think that we should always be clear of our own expectations before we start to look

at what our expectations for other people are because sometimes our expectations for

both ourselves and other people are not realistic.

Does not mean that we don't deserve.

It just means that other people may not be capable of.

I'm trying to think of an example here.

Like, we're going out this weekend.

Got a bunch of friends.

We're going to go see a cover band.

We're going to go to a restaurant first, then the cover band.

One is going to drive a few.

So it's going to be two drivers.

You know, whatever.

Here's the logistics.

Okay.

Now we, everybody who's going, we've all gone out together before.

So we usually have a pretty good time.

How do you manage the expectations to serve everybody's on the same page?

Should you come out?

Communication.

Okay.

Yeah.

So the communication is the key to everything.

Absolutely.

Communication is the more we can communicate what it is that we need, what it is that we're

feeling, what it is that we are asking ourselves what you might need from us.

It's all about communication because no two people have the same set of expectations.

No two people have the same perspective or, you know, report on what they may have seen

or done.

And that shifts and it changes.

It's evolving all the time.

What you may have had for an expectation or a perspective yesterday may be shaped differently

today.

And so it's really important to communicate that I cannot say that loud enough.

Communication is the key to everything.

There's only one way for us to clarify and that's to ask the question.

Right.

Okay.

Ask the question.

Should you ask questions to get a better baseline of what somebody's expectations are?

Absolutely.

If you're in a relationship with somebody or a friendship with somebody or even if you're

having a conversation with your husband or your wife or your children, you always want

to be asking them, what is their perspective on that?

How did you perceive that?

What was your experience of that?

And actually not just ask the question, but listen, listen to what they have to say and

try to digest it and then mirror it back for them.

And I think that's an important piece to it is, you know, some people don't like the

language what I hear you saying is because they think that that sounds a little bit too

clinical, but find a different way of saying that more like, okay, so it sounds to me

like you would prefer it when I am more clear on when I need something or when I need to

be supported on it.

So you're asking them, is this exactly, is this what you meant by that?

Is basically what the end of this is gathering is?

You want to know, is that what you meant by that or did I misunderstand that?

Does that make sense?

What comes up for me is the fact that we don't ask enough questions, right?

I agree.

Just in general, just in general.

And they say that's one of the most important things you can do.

It shows that you're listening.

It shows that even salespeople, that's like the number one tool, just ask questions,

ask the right questions, but ask questions.

Right, right.

Well, how else do we get clarification?

We're not mind readers.

None of us are.

No matter how well you know your partner, you're not inside of their head.

No matter how well we know our children, we don't know exactly what they're thinking or

what they need because what we need, we tend to project onto other people.

And sometimes that can be a pretty big mistake because another person may not need exactly

what it is that helps to sue us or helps us to feel better.

They may need something very, very different.

So it's asking, how can I support you in this moment?

What is it that you need from me that can help you to get through this particular scenario

or this particular event?

Because they're the experts.

We're not.

We can't make the assumption that we know what they, I don't do that with my clients.

I'll ask them, what do you want to talk about today?

What feels heavy for you?

Or how does that, so what I think I'm hearing you say is, and I'll repeat it back to you,

to them, and then I'll ask them for further clarification.

What is it that you would like to have differently?

What is it that doesn't feel okay for you?

What is it that you wish had gone differently or that that other person would do in the future,

and then teaching them how to communicate that?

Because not everybody wants to be told what they're doing right or wrong, or even one

advice.

Sometimes we just want to be listened to.

Sometimes we just need an ear of somebody to say, I hear you, I'm sitting with you.

That's important for me.

When it comes to perspective, what's the best way to process that?

We have perspective on a situation.

Is that asking questions to find out what somebody's viewing?

I think we should always ask questions no matter what's going on, just to be able to get

better clarification.

I did write a little poem, I guess you want to call these, I don't know about expectations.

Can I talk a little bit about what that looks like?

Do you want to hear it?

Please.

I love your poems, by the way.

I'm just going to say it.

They are so insightful.

I don't know how you do this, and you've shared before like, yeah, I woke up in the middle

of the night and I wrote this.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

Well, it's interesting, I had some pretty in-depth insights to some writing this week, and

I was up to about 4.30 in the morning, Friday Saturday morning, just kind of processing.

And I think what happens for me is when I have a particular topic or something that feels

heavy for me or a client topic that I'm processing, this is how I work through things.

So for me, it's almost like, I kind of almost feel like I go into like this really weird

fog where I'm just like, I just purge it out and I write all the things down.

And it's interesting to see the transformations when you can see the blurbs of things that

are misspelled, and there's no periods and no commas, and it just kind of just seems

like a big mess of thoughts.

And then it goes from, I call it a word vomit.

Yeah.

Just get it out.

Don't worry about penmanship, capitalization, punctuation, any of this, just get it out.

Yeah.

I'd love to hear it.

Okay.

So expectations are storms at sea.

Waves we cannot see until they crash.

They pull, they press, currents against the chest, promising shores we may never reach.

We build them from echoes, from memory, from fragments of ourselves tangled in hidden

reefs.

When reality breaks against us, the dissonance shatters.

Cold water, sharp, relentless, leaving us gasping for answers that drift away.

That beneath the storm, the pulse remains.

The stubborn current, roots gripping the seabed, the flicker in black waters.

Expectations are not enemies, nor guides, nor punishers.

They are the sea itself.

Dangerous, untamed, reflecting the depths within us, fear, hope, striving.

Even in the dark we rise, slow, steady, like coral pressed to stone, like sea grass

through sand, like light flickering beneath the waves.

Resilience is not calm waters.

Resilience is surfacing anyway, breathing, reaching for light even in the storm.

Wow.

That's amazing.

And I close my eyes and visualize everything you were saying with the storm.

And what popped in my head with expectations, and this is just a random thought.

And we have expectations, are they usually based on something we know, our history, whatever

it might be?

It could be, it's based on something that we've experienced.

That makes sense.

It's predominantly yes, and it's also based on things that we want, things that we wish

were different, or things that we wish were better.

So there's that added element to it as well.

It's not just based from or shaped from experiences.

It's also things that we want to be different, or things that we hope could be different,

or things that we think we deserve differently.

But I'm going to challenge that thought again, so based on things in your past, like

for example, it's been said, there's nothing new out there.

Somebody does something, a piece of art, music, whatever.

Kind of based on things that is already out there, that maybe you've experienced.

You took pieces of this piece of that.

So you go to get your haircut.

You have a certain expectation.

Maybe it was cut, you want to cut the same way as last time, that's your expectation.

That's based on the past.

But let's go to something different.

Now you're going to try something radically, radically different.

You have an expectation.

That expectation is based on something that was in your past.

You saw a picture.

You saw a celebrity, whatever it is.

The friend analogy.

We're going out this weekend.

We're all going to hang out together.

What's my expectation?

We're going to have a good time, like that time four times back, whatever it is.

That's what I'm basing it on, like I'm wrestling with that, that the expectations usually

are, isn't something totally fresh and new, even if it's in a relationship.

That might be based on something you saw, experience.

Maybe your parents were a certain way, you're hoping that that relationship will be a certain

way.

My jury's out.

This is why I didn't get into the good schools, Sherry, I think too much.

And I would say that wants and desires are also part of that, not just experiences,

but wants and desires, because that also shapes the things that we would expect moving

forward.

Say, if we have had a litany of negative experiences in our life and relationships, and what our

expectation for the next relationship might be something that we want, and yes, I agree

with you.

It's based on something.

What is it based on?

Something we saw, something we've experienced, something that we've already come across, but

we're shifting and shaping that into something that's different.

The outcome is different from what we've had before.

So maybe our expectation is the reverse, because we didn't like the outcome of the first

expectation.

Okay.

All right.

Well, it is based on experience and your next serious relationship, would most often

be based on a few of the things from your last relationship that were good, and maybe

that relationship just ended on a sour note, but there are some high points on, yeah,

that was fun.

I want to do that again.

I want to go on vacation with the other stuff.

You can have that.

You take that.

Keep that.

I don't want that in this new relationship, but it is based on what you know again.

You know, because we always go back, what do we, what do we, we're always going back

to?

What is safe?

What is safe?

That feeling.

Right?

Absolutely.

And sometimes safety is static, because the devil we know is better than the devil we

don't.

And like we've talked about kind of almost every week, we bring up in some, in some variation

of is it's important to kind of break three, three of that mold and be able to have that

forward movement so that we can make better choices, so that we can do things that serve

us and let go of the things that no longer serve us.

And sometimes that day of reckoning, it can be much bigger or it could be much smaller.

It's really about whatever the topic is for that.

You know, people who come from abusive parenting, they make a conscious effort in choice.

Sometimes their external expectation is to not be that way, but to be better.

So what they do is they take that negativity and they flip it and they do the reverse

or they do the opposite and sometimes there needs to be some tweaks with that, but that's

a forward movement in a positive way.

That's that's where we're moving towards the light versus kind of staying in the dark

and repeating old negative patterns that no longer serve us, or they are detrimental to

us.

Well, I believe this goes back to what we've, we've said a few times in the past, how

change is uncomfortable because you want to stay where you are, even though it might

not be the best thing for you.

It's a known entity and it feels safe, even though it could be a horrible situation.

It just feels safe.

You know, we've got to break through that.

I feel the best way to do that is to work with somebody.

Absolutely, because sometimes you just have to talk about things out loud and you have

to get that feedback from somebody else who's looking at it from a neutral space.

Someone else who's not in that experience with you and they don't have an investment in

that.

That's what therapy can do for you is it can give you that perspective from a neutral

place where, you know, I can say to my clients, love you thought about looking at it from

here or that feels like maybe, you know, you're in just in a really dark space right now,

which is okay.

But maybe there's another way of looking at it and sometimes it's hard for us to hear

from people that we love and it's easier to hear from somebody who's not in our day

to day.

Because ones that are, oh, yeah, the ones that are closest to you, a lot of times

you're going to tell you what you want to hear, because that's, you know, that's kind

of the way it works.

Best way to find you and your team, new beginnings, wc.com, right?

Absolutely.

Always love having you on here.

Love your perspective on all of this and just giving us different ways to look at things

and process things.

And I like to consider myself a creative person.

I don't know how you write those poems.

They are so visual, spot on, inspiring, insightful.

I really made it like, like, I'm like, oh, I'm feeling cute.

Go away.

And maybe it's because it's also writing those helps you process either personally or

for people that you work with.

Absolutely.

They're all born from experiences or something that is real in the moment.

So I think that's the rawness that comes out.

And sometimes I go back and I'll read it a few days later and I'll go, wow, yikes, where

were you when you wrote that?

Isn't that amazing when you look back at those things?

Like even journaling, like, I tried a journal fairly regularly and I'll go back and it's

like, oh, what was your head at?

Or wow, that was super cool.

That's the vision you had two years ago.

Hasn't arrived yet, but you were thinking it back then, yeah, it's made to happen.

One of these days I'm going to challenge myself and put a bunch of words on separate pieces

of paper and just grab one and then say, all right, you have 30 minutes right upon.

I'm going to try it.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Thank you for today.

Thanks, Seth, for everything you do for people and looking forward to the next time we

talk.

Broadcasting from the business capital of the world, this is the podcast business news

network.

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