158. How Jason Olivea Discovered the Influence of Childhood Patterns to Deepen Connection

📺 Watch on YouTube and Spotify

“We cannot become that which we already are, and therefore we cannot be that which we're not,” says Jason Olivea, relationship coach and co-creator of the Inner Compass 9 assessment, who joins The King Within podcast to illuminate the hidden dynamics that sabotage our relationships—even when we seem to have it all. Drawing on decades of experience and the lens of the Enneagram, Jason reveals how our conditioning and childhood beliefs act as “colored glasses,” shaping every interaction and conflict.

In today’s episode, Jason breaks down why recurring fights in couples are rarely about surface-level issues, and how real change begins when both partners summon the courage to remove their psychological masks. He explains the difference between functional and dysfunctional codependency, the shadow side of agreements, and why awareness of our deepest patterns—those “sticky” beliefs we’ve carried since childhood—is essential for transforming pain into connection. Jason shares powerful, practical steps to navigate conflict, build agreements that foster true intimacy, and regulate emotions when triggers arise.

Tune in to The King Within to learn why most relationship advice falls short—and how understanding your inner world offers the freedom to connect, heal, and lead with presence at home. Jason’s approach will challenge everything you thought you knew about conflict, trust, and what it means to be the man your family runs toward.

5 Key Takeaways

You can transform conflict and relationship struggles into opportunities for growth, healing, and connection. Here’s how to start:

1. Acknowledge your biases—realize you’re seeing life through colored glasses shaped by your upbringing and beliefs. Awareness is your first weapon against stuck patterns.
2. Get radically curious about your conditioning. Ask yourself tough questions about your emotional triggers, reactions, and the stories you carry.
3. Define and clarify key terms with your partner—connection, trust, safety, integrity—so you both know exactly what you mean, not just assume.
4. Establish explicit agreements in your relationship. Don’t rely on unspoken rules or resentful hints—craft clear agreements and revisit them often.
5. Prioritize self-regulation—walk away, ask for space, or use a safe word when you’re triggered. You can’t solve conflict if you’re both lost in old patterns.

Memorable Quotes

"We cannot become that which we already are, and therefore we cannot be that which we're not. If people can just consider that in light of our conversation and about the masks that I wear—Who am I? What am I? That to me would be a question worth considering."

"Until they fully take the glasses off, take responsibility for their part, really consider how their conditioning has been driving the bus on how they are seeing things through those tinted glasses, remove them and be vulnerable, and also then work through the conflict, that gives you a fighting chance to work through it. If not, you're still in and out of, and mostly out of or in, your age-regressed or trance or your old conditioned patterns—and that's when we can't resolve conflict."

"By creating space, it allows me to take the glasses off. Then we typically will be in our parasympathetic nervous system, we can start to regulate ourselves, start to relax more into the present moment, and then we can start thinking of alternatives. Once you've had a taste of it—and you've had a couple of experiences with doing that—it's like you can't undo what has been done."

Connect with Jason

Website: https://innercompass9.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/innercompass9/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jason.olivea

Resources Mentioned

Intimate Relationships: Why They Do and Do Not Work by Stephen Wolinsky - https://amzn.to/40zvqlC

American Psychological Association (APA) - https://www.apa.org/

The Enneagram (Personality Typing System) - https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

Click Here for our Black Friday Specials!

(expires by Midnight PST December 1, 2025)

🔥 Work With Mike

=== mention "PODCAST" for a special discount) ===

Apply for The Grounded King Collective → https://mikesalemi.io/thegroundedking

Men of Movement Retreat → https://mikesalemi.io/retreats

1:1 Coaching - https://mikesalemi.io/coaching

💪 Programs

=== use code "PODCAST" for a special discount) ===

Kettlebell Lifestyle - https://www.kettlebelllifestyle.com/

Mastering the Kettlebell - https://www.masteringthekettlebell.com/

Athleticism for Life (Bulgarian Bag training) - https://mikesalemi.io/athleticism4life

Bulgarian Bag Certifications - https://coaching.mikesalemi.io/bulgarianbagcertifications

Connect with Mike

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/mike.salemi/

YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@MikeSalemi

LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/mikesalemi111/

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/mike.salemi.583

X/Twitter - https://x.com/mike_salemi

Mentioned in this episode:

The Grounded King

The Grounded King is a unique blend of an ongoing online men's group and private community with the education and frameworks to go with it. We meet 1x/week for 90 minutes, and you will get access to all of my online programs, as well as the Curriculum to go with your journey. If you’re ready to stop carrying it all alone, and start building from a place of truth and vitality, click below and I’ll send you everything you need to know.

The Grounded King