245 - You Are Pun For

0:00Hey, before we kick off today's episode, just wanted to let you know that we have a brand new way for you to get involved with your own jokes. All you have to do is head to howtokillanour.com forward slash jokes. That's howtokillanour.com forward slash jokes. And if you don't want to do that, you can also click the link in the show description. Hello, my name is Marcus Brunzee. Hello, my name is Ricky Dresch. This is How To Kill An Hour Special episode where you send in jokes and we've picked out the ones that aren't going to get us cancelled. AKA... PONDISHMENT. That's right. You send the jokes to howtokillanour.com forward slash jokes. A weep, read them out. Simple as that. Let's jump straight into it. What's long, green, slimy and smells like pork? Smiles like pork. That's the ticker in it. That's the one that's like the biggest clue. I don't know. What is long, green, smells like pork and time. Most people say come at the frog's finger. Come at the dick. It's got to be come at the dick. Is it come at the dick?

1:02Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Simple. An alcoholic filthy, stained with wine hobo gets on a New York subway. It's closed at dawn. He has a bowl of whiskey stuffed into his top pocket. Staggering like hell, he throws himself onto an empty seat. Next room, though, is a priest who's visibly disgusted by the sinner. He is judging. The alcoholic rummages around, takes out a newspaper, opens it with a grunt and begins to read. At one point, he turns his misty gaze to the priest and asks him, oh sorry, what causes people to get arthritis? The priest stirred up in his mission to guide the lost sheep back to the right path, answers, my son, arthritis is caused by debauched habits, drunkenness, sinful thoughts and fornication with deprived women. The drunken then opens his eyes wide. Oh fuck, no way! After a minute of silence, the priest, thinking that he'd been a little bit harsh and seizing an opportunity to see if the hobo wants to get back on the right path, says, but why do you ask my son?

2:03Well, I was reading in his newspaper that the Pope has arthritis. All right, this one is from Victor who's an ex-priest from Hungary. He must have loved that one. Yeah, there you go. He has a priest. He's got a story. Yeah, yeah, I want to know how Victor. Anyway, Victor said, you give me so many great moments. I love you showing you guys, so I thought I'd show some gratitude by saying you, one of my favorites. It's a bit of a bar-n-yard language one. I mean spicy language. Yeah, I hope you like it, and I can hear it from you on the podcast. Well, Victor, here goes, and this is for you and all your crew that have hung up their collar. Love it. So the lion calls the animals together to hold a big meeting. Unfortunately, the frog shows up completely hammered. The lion opens by saying, thank you for coming. We have an important issue to discuss that affects us all. The frog interrupts by shouting, fuck yeah, yeah, fucking important. The lion glows at him that remains calm, but he continues. So I'd like to discuss an extremely important issue, but the drunk frog again interrupts, yeah, fucking important. That's right, bitches.

3:06The lion starts to get really annoyed. So today's topic will be, oh yeah, fucking topics are important at this point. The lion loses his temper and says to the gorillas, okay, now get that little green bastard and frame out of it. The frog goes, hell yeah, that's right. Get the hell out, fucking crocodile. Thank you, Victor. My favorite thing about that is that it was Victor doing having done the job that he's done. Such a sweary joke. Imagine being in church while somebody does that in a service. It must happen in it. That drunk person comes in and goes, yeah, follow him, bitches. That's praise a lot. Big fan of that energy. I feel like James Brown. What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of his teeth? No, no, what do you call a dinosaur that takes care of his teeth? A philosopher raptor. It's also classic. A philosopher raptor is also the best sort of dinosaur. Bad boy dinosaur. What did come at the frog say when Jim Henson died? Who's going to fist me? Nothing.

4:09Oh, that's really sad. A man walks into a pub with a monkey. The man goes to the bar and orders himself a drink while the monkey heads over to the pool table. As the bartender watches, the monkey picks up the April, tosses it into the air and swallows it. It retails it. The bartender tells the man, hey, your monkey can't do that. You both have to leave. So the man and the monkey leave a week later, the man returns to the pub with his monkey and this time they both sit at the bar. The man orders himself a beer. The monkey reaches over, takes a peanut out of the peanut bowl and as the bartender watches, it's pokes it up his ass. He then takes it out, tosses it up in the air and swallows it. Can't believe what I'm reading. The bartender asks the man, what did he poke it up his ass for? The man says, oh, he wants to make sure it'll fit this time. Don't try that out. Oh my God. Okay, this is from Jamie Williams who sent this in. It's an old

5:12classic joke from QI apparently, like over 12 years ago. So here we go. A British couple decided to adopt a German baby that raised him for years. However, they began to got worried because he never spoke. They took him to doctor after doctor and speech therapist after speech therapist. They approved fruitless. Then when the child was eight years old, he was eating a pastry and suddenly said, this is a little tepid. His parents of course were shocked. His parents, of course, were shocked that he was suddenly speaking and said, Wolfgang, why have you never spoke of before? So which the child replied, up until now, everything had been satisfactory. It's a German. It's like a German. Why does this German accent always sound like they're on a virgin tears? I love German. I love it. I love it. Talking to German people. And they say, if a German says we, let's go do party or let's go party. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. And then I love going, Zagud, yeah. I love it. Great language. Oh, this is from Tim. Shout out to Tim. Man, I think you know, if you cut off your left hand,

6:16your right hand is left. Oh my God. That is the classic. Yeah. That is. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Because he had a holding one. In case he got a hold of it. Yeah. I mean, yeah. It's lean. I know. I know. It's lean. And I fucked it up even though I knew it. Jesus. You punched up the fuck line. I did. Jesus. From this is from Ariane Castro. What's up? Nesuf Fidel. Love it. Three vampires walk into a bar or oil tycoon. Castro. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Three vampires walk into a bar. Vampire one being filthy rich. I have a bottle of an 18-year-old virgin woman's blood. This is a great time to celebrate after being promoted to a count. The bartender hands him the bottle of blood. Vampire two says, could you please get me a glass of

7:18blood? A 40-year-old will do. Work has been a little rough right now and I need to have a few drinks to get me by. Vampire three being in a foul mood asks for a glass with hot water. Pulls out a tampon full of dry blood and says, I'll have a tea. Che. Oh, that's the potlite. It's like a sledgehammer. It really did. I know. I said it and then I realized what I just said. Oh, shout out Ariane. That was... So got Ariane. My god. A man had an unloot. A man has an unusually large member. And as much as he loves it, decides to get reduction surgery because a downside of it was all the blood rushing from his body into it meant that he often repeated words. So he goes to the doctor and says, can, can, can, you please, please, please perform, perform AA reduction, reduction surgery surgery.

8:20And the doctor says, no worry, step onto the table. The surgery is a success and the man can talk normally again a few weeks later. A month later though, the man goes back to the doctor to get re-enlogged. He says, Doctor, I miss who I was. No go wants to sleep with me anymore. Can you revert the surgery? And the doctor says, go, go fuck, fuck, fuck yourself. It's a classic twist. There you go. It was a starter one I heard before. I was just giving a starter. Yeah. When a woman has standards, they call her proud. When a man has standards, they call them focused. Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, wait, what are we talking about again? Oh, there you go. No standards. Teacher, why did you laugh? Boy, I saw the strap of your brumus. Teacher, get out. No class for a week. Another boy laughs. Teacher, why did you laugh? Boy, I saw both straps. Teacher, get out. No class for a month. She bends down to pick up the chalk and little Johnny gets up to head out of

9:21the class. Little Johnny. Teacher, Johnny, why are you leaving? Johnny, with what I just saw, I think my school days are over. Oh, god damn Johnny. Little Johnny. Speaking of god damn, a nun, badly needing to use the toilet, walked into a very popular local club. pub nightclub. The place was hopping with music, absolute bouncing and there was loud conversation and everyone in the world, the lights were turned off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would have rupt in cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the barn and asked, I'm going to please use the toilet. The barn went replied, okay, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf. Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way, said the nun. So the barn went directly to the nun to the back of the restaurant area to where the toilet was situated. I'll do a few minutes. She came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. So she went to the barn and said,

10:21sir, sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the toilet? Well, now they know you're one of us, said the barnman. Would you like a drink? No, thank you, but I still don't understand, said the puzzle, nun. You see, laughed the barnman. Every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink? I don't get it. She's lifting the fig leaf and the lights must have been freaking out. Have a little peek at that rock penis. Give me what you can. I went on a date with a girl with really bad ex-smart, cracking tits. You're allowed to laugh here. I've got a horrible skin. So there you go. I can find it.

11:25I already know I'm going to help. So it's fine. This is from Danille, who was the biggest fan of the show. Many thanks. Danille. Are you though? Are you though? Like I'm saying, are you? Well, you say they were. I agree. You've not stopped Richie Driss and turned up at his house. No, there's a big fan and then there's a stalker. That's the biggest fan of everyone. Right. Danille, if you are really truly a big fan, turn up at Richie's house. Comment on Marcus Bronzies' Instagram page. You're saying stalker. No, just knock on. Knock on Richie's window. Whatever floor is the higher up the floor, the more points you get. Knock on his window. Wassy sherry. You say that like I don't live in a one bedroom. I don't do that. And even better, if there's no windows in the room he's in and you still managed to knock on some sort of wall then that's even better. No, sounds terrifying. That's terrifying. Terrifying. Danille, don't do that. Take a shit in his toilet and don't put paper in it. Why are you trying to encourage our biggest fan to carry out illegal activities?

12:25Okay, cool. Don't do that. Don't do that. Just comment. Send the picture on Marcus Bronzies' Instagram. There you go. Jesus Christ. A bear walks into a restaurant and says to the waiter, I love a grilled cheese. Anasoda. The waiter asks, why do big paws? The bear shrugs and says, I was born with them. I feel like you saw that was coming. You saw that coming. It's absolutely classic. This is from maintaining the 50. I think they've sent something before. Frank always looked on the bright side of life. He would always constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he'd always be like, could it be worse? So, to cure him of his annoying habit, his good friends decided to invent a situation that was so bad, so terrible that not even Frank could find any hope in it. And the golf course one day, one of them said, Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night and found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself. That's awful said, Frank, but it could have been worse. How the hell

13:26asked his bewildered friend, could that have been worse? Well said, Frank, if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now. I'll go. I'll go. A woman lived with her daughter and son in law on one day she arrived home to find a son in law in a fierce temper and packing a suitcase. What are you doing? Just, I'm leaving. It's the end of our marriage, he explains. I emailed my wife to say I'd be home early and when I got there, I found her in bed with another man. The mother replied, oh no, my daughter would never do that. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her. After a while she came back and said, there, told you so. There was a simple explanation. She never got your email. Oh, all right, this is going to be stink for the shower. I can my friend noticed a bulge in my pocket and said, what's that? I said, it's golf ball. He said,

14:31oh, that must hurt. And tennis elbow once. I don't think that's going to be stinger of the show. I don't think that's going to be little Johnny. Our guy, our guy, little Johnny was walking down the street on his way home. I spoke over it at the start. No, that was a great clean little Johnny. It's great. Little Johnny, our guy, that wasn't his guess. Little Johnny. Yeah. Little Johnny. Scoop. Scoop. What even was that? What's that? Who did I have heard of that ad lib before? Yeah. Go on. Go on. Little Johnny. Listen up. You bastard. I know. Perfect. This. Yes. Sorry. I just need to take one. No, that was perfect. Little Johnny

15:34was walking down the street on his way home when a banged up old car pulls up alongside him. And the driver says, getting the car boy. Little Johnny says no. And keeps walking further down the road. Driver pulls up again and says, getting the car. I'll give you sweets. Little Johnny again says no. And he keeps on walking. The car again pulls up alongside little Johnny and says, please, getting the car boy. Little Johnny turns around and says no, dad, you decided to get the scoda. Oh, that's from the Adrian scoda. What was that? What was that whole slogan? Really ripping the piss themselves. Not to 60. No, it could. There was the one that was the it was. Oh, oh, like they're slogan. Yeah. It's like, it could be worse. Something like that. I know it was. I just remember all the scoda jokes. Or you won't believe it's a scoda. Someone like that. What was it? I can't believe it's not scoda. I'm making up. I don't know.

16:36I just remember the scoda jokes. Like my sky said, my car can go from like not not to to 20 in song goes to 20 is a really good speed. And then the guy goes, yeah, I live at 224. Whatever, like that. Yeah, but scoda used to lean into that. Yeah. I enjoyed. All my can get to 20 miles an hour. Anyway, right. My turn. So this one, the way LinkedIn is amazing. Everyone there is honored, humbled, thrilled, grateful for a job that gives them anxiety and back pain. This one's from Mike. Shout out to you. Mike. A man was walking past a couple eating at the table at a restaurant when he suddenly let loose a loud fart. Hey, shout out the man at the table. Oh, day you fart before my wife. Sorry, replied to the other man. I didn't know it was her turn. I think I'd see. Yeah, absolutely. Yes. A grandson walks into his grandparents' house to his granddad screaming at the TV. He's saying things like, hey, don't do it. It's a trap. You're a great.

17:40He says, grandpa, what are you watching? Grandpa turns his head slowly to his grandson and says, with tears in his eyes, I'm watching my old wedding videos. This one's from Martin. So a rope walks into a bar. The rope goes up to the bartender and says, bartender, I'd like a show whiskey about tender looks at him and says, sorry, we don't, sorry, we don't serve ropes here. So the rope leaves. A couple days later, the rope comes back walks up to the bar again and says, bartender, how about that show whiskey? The bartender looks annoyed now. He says, listen, buddy, I already told you we don't serve ropes here. So the rope goes back outside. Now he's thinking, how am I going to get that drink? So he tells himself up at the end, messes up the hair that his rope has, rolls around in the dirt and the gravel, and really ruffs himself up. Then he walks back into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, bartender, I'd like a show whiskey. The bartender squins him for a second and says, hey,

18:46wait a minute, aren't you that rope that was in here just before? And the rope says, nope, I'm afraid not. That's really good. Three men are walking in the wilderness as they come. Three men are walking. Three men are coming in the wilderness. Three men are walking in the wilderness. It's good for the environment. Three men are walking in the wilderness. As they're walking, they come across a golden lamp on the edge of a cliff. The men decide to rub their lamp in before their very eyes. A genius appears and says, thank you for freeing me. As a reward, you will get one wish each. All you need to do is jump off this cliff and shout what you desire. The first man is reluctant at first, but runs and leaps off the cliff and goes, money, as he reaches the bottom, he lands at a soft pile of notes. The second man sees this and immediately runs towards the cliff and goes, women, and as he reaches the bottom, he is caught by an entourage of the world's most beautiful women. The third man begins to run towards the edge of the cliff, but trips over the edge as he plummets, he goes, oh shit. This one's a saffy. Thank you so much for getting involved.

19:50We got saffy. On the night before their wedding, the mother of the groomsman sets the bride. Tomorrow night, your husband to be is going to want to put his most prized possession where you pee. The bride says, why would he want to put his golf clubs in the sink for? I can't relate to that because I don't play golf, but it's really funny. For a reaction, there's an equal and opposite reaction, Newton's law. Shreddy cabbage and carrot make a great salad. Coslo. So, a couple of patients are about to break out of a psychiatric hospital. They watch the guards walk away and they make their way towards the wall. The first one climbs the wall, jumps down, but as he lands on the ground, he cracks some twigs and vegetation and a noise alerts the nearby guards. Who's there? The guard chats and the mental patient can't only react.

20:54He sighs in relief and runs away as stealthily as possible. Now, the second patient needs to escape. He climbs the wall, jumps down, and again, same thing happens. He lands on some twigs, makes some noise, and the guard chats. Who's there? And the mental patient goes, and the guard goes, there's a Pokemon there, a Mewtwo. Oh, good, good. There you go. An engineer, a psychologist and theologian, were hunting in the wilderness of Northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, said they knocked on the door to get some permissions to rest. No one answered the knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered anyway. It was a simple place, a couple of rooms with minimum furniture and household equipment, nothing was unusual about the cabin apart from the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast iron. What was strange about it, though, was its location. It was suspended, midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

21:56Fascinating, said the psychologist. It's obvious that this lonely trapper isolated from humanity is elevated, distaste, so he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb. Nonsense, said the engineer. The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics by elevating the stove. He's discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout this cabin. With all due respect, interrupted the theologian. I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has a religious meaning. Fire lifted up has been a religious symbol for centuries. The three debated their point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why it hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. He had plenty of wire and not much stove pipe. It's a long walk. When you kept saying trapper, I kept thinking of, you know, what were you thinking? There's a repeat in there, so I'm going to make one up.

22:59I recognize this one for a very good television program. Why are lawyers buried 20 feet under, not six feet under? I don't know why law is buried 20 feet under. Because deep down they're good people. That's dread. Oh, that's a good one. I want to hit the Joe button when the clip really goes. Yeah, that was sick. That was sick. All right, I've got one more. I think you've got one more as well. Maybe. Yeah, you've got one more. Yeah, you're in a way. I do. Really go go for it first. I want to hear it. I've got a really good. I've got really good. You already are. Okay, this one's from Joe. This is you, Joe. Thank you for getting involved with. Regardless of you and all your witnesses, I respect what you do and I respect. Absolutely. Yes. Anyway, I say hi to the kitchen. No one answered, but but the microwave. The microwave.

24:00Oh, I get it. I get it. Oh, Joe, is that one? I'm going to lie. I'm really going to lie. I was like, what? I'm going to clip them. But that's yeah, the the microwave. Right. The time is a little. Oh, that's good. It's cute as well. News flash. William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie. Apparently, Shatner panties wasn't the best choice. For a name. And there you have it, guys. That was another episode. Where you sent the choice. That made me last so much. No, no, no, no. That I did the Theresa May shoulder bounce. There you go. That was good. Yeah, they were listen, listen, whoever sent that in, big up yourself. If you can do better, how to get an out of Comfort slash jokes. Follow us on on social media how to get an out of where can you find you do? That we could just RSCH IEDR ideas. There you go. I'll put it into him in the search description as well. Until next time, stay blessed with you here.

25:01All soon. Bye. Bye. Hey, that's the end of the episode. Just a quick reminder that if you want to send in your own jokes, all you have to do is send them to howtokillanour.com forward slash jokes. So you go to howtokillanour.com forward slash jokes, fill in the form. Hopefully your joke will end up on the show. See you next time.