25. Stop Condemning, Just Listen

0:00At Become New, get 10 minutes of spiritual formation every weekday with John Orberg. There is now for the friends of Jesus, no condemnation. We're learning to give up condemnation. And people in contempt of spicing them for let just give it up. And by the way, you may or may not have seen this, but the new Pope, Pope Leo, in giving instructions to the flock for this season of length and talking about how fasting is often a part of people's practice during length at 40 days leading up to Easter, is what the Pope says. I would like to invite you to a very practical and frequently unappreciated form of abstinence. Not of refraining from words that offend and hurt our neighbor. Let us begin by disarming our language, avoiding harsh words and rash judgment, refraining

1:04from slander and speaking ill of those who are not present and cannot defend themselves. Instead, let us strive to measure our words and cultivate kindness and respect in our families among our friends, at work, on social media, in political debates, in the media, in Christian communities. In this way, words of hatred will give way to words of hope and peace. Who knew the Pope and become new? We're walking through this journey together. And what I want to do in a few minutes today is to give one word, one action, one verb, one practice today that if I do it, it will be very important. Very hard for me to condemn while I am doing this one thing. Now in order to explain why I need to go back and review what condemnation is. And this also the answer to question. Several folks have asked, I mentioned in a recent episode how I was stopped from time by

2:06a police officer and I said, guilty, guilty, guilty, I know, I know, I know. And several folks have asked, well, why did the police officer stop you? It's a little embarrassing. He stopped me because I was driving with so much care, with so much good judgment, with so much of a civic spirit and a posture of blessing his eyes driving that he wanted to give me a commendation. He wanted to bless me. Now, full disclosure, there was a stop sign involved and his own interpretation of that sign, his own reading of it was quite literal, kind of a physicalist, legalistic approach to it. And I explained, I have a PhD in clinical psychology, so my understanding stop is more of a spiritual thing. It's more of an inner posture, a readiness to be still because the letter kills, but the spirit gives life, but he was one of those letter kind of officers.

3:11So I got a little condemnation. Now, here's the review that I want to take for just a moment. When we're commanded not to condemn, that doesn't mean that we don't discern, doesn't mean that we don't judge, doesn't mean we don't recognize there's bad stuff, I mean, we stand up for what's good condemnation and I'm just here for a moment is a combination of malice that is ill will and disgust, which is a kind of repudence or revulsion. And these are two different things. If I have been working out and I'm real sweaty, if I try to get close to Nancy, she will go, oh boy, and she will events disgust, but she has good will toward me. On the other hand, if you ask somebody that you think is real attractive out on a date and you get rejected, you may be hurt with Nancy and me.

4:12One of us was real good at dating and the other one not at all experienced lots of rejection. So in that case, I might have a bad feeling towards that person, but I don't find them disgusting at all. Okay. So that's condemnation. It is ill will I want pain and what bad for the other person and disgust. I find them revulsive, is that word repulsive? Now one other distinction that's real clear, real key is we're walking through this and we've talked about this is I need to remember and this starts when we think about God in His language towards us. There's a difference between someone's tone toward me and their heart toward me. Someone's tone like my therapist might have a real soothing tone. Their heart for me is good. I might have a coach or a drill instructor and they might have a real jarring tone. But their heart toward me might be real good.

5:14Again, someone's heart towards me might be agape love where they are for me or it might be mellus. Now this distinction is really helpful when it comes to understanding God and the language of God often in scripture and this is leading to that one word. But I'll start with now how do I understand these words from God? Jesus in Matthew chapter 30, people often get confused about this, quotes the prophecy of Isaiah, you will be ever hearing but never understanding, ever seeing, never perceiving for this people's heart has become callous. They hardly hear with their ear. They close otherwise they might see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their spirits and turn and I would heal them. Passages like this look as though God was saying, I don't want you to hear. But that's not what he's saying. Of course, the whole reason Isaiah came was to preach repentance and to call people to

6:15God, to call people to hear. This is one of those passages where it's more than that jarring prophetic confrontation category, kind of like a coach saying, all right, go ahead, eat twinkies all day long. Don't practice. Don't drill. Somebody else will be doing that and they'll win. What the coach is really saying is, no, I want you to give it your best. I want you to see. If you go down the wrong path, this is where it leads and you don't really want that none. You're best self. So understanding how to read, particularly prophetic words, including Jesus with understanding and discernment to distinguish between a jarring tone that contains a good heart. And as I was saying in this passage, what God wants for His people is listen and here's the thing. That's the word. That's the word for today. If I want to go through this day and not be judging and condemning and consigning people

7:17to the scrap heap of humanity, it's very difficult to listen well and condemn at the same time. And I will give just one example of this from Scripture. This is a quite jarring one in the book of Acts. Stephen has been gathered by some religious leaders and is on trial for his life. Now you would think, given the stakes, people would say, we want to listen to him really carefully, really well, we want to really understand. But here's the warning. And this is in my heart and this is yours. The higher the emotions start to burn, the less likely listening is needed. The more the listening ought to happen, the less it tends to happen. And as Stephen is walking through his story of his life with God when it reaches its climax, we're told in Acts 7, verse 57, at this they covered their ears. At this they covered their ears.

8:17You ever do that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not listening, not listening, don't want to hear it. And something horribly tragic happens. So here's the question. How are you doing it listening? I will give you a few questions to assess your listening quotient. This is from a book called The Lost Art of Listening by Michael Nichols and Martha Strauss. It turns out, by the way, that there's a great deal of research evidence that we are worse listeners than we think we are. There's actually an effect. It's called BTA, the better-than-average effect. I think I am a better listener than average, also known as illusory superiority. So, for example, most leaders believe when surveyed that they are good or very good listeners,

9:21most of their employees rate them as significantly lower than they rate themselves. So, it's a quick test for you. When someone is talking to you, do you make people feel that you are interested in them and what they have to say? Scale of one to four, almost never, almost always, where do you put yourself? Number two, when someone is talking to you, do you think about what you want to say while others are talking? Sometimes we confuse listening with waiting to speak, and they're not the same thing. Next question, when someone is talking, do you assume you know what someone is going to say before he or she is finished? And again, often when emotions get high and often with the people that were closest to where listening is needed the most, it happens the least.

10:25Next question, do you make judgments about who is worth listening to and who is not? Next question, do you think of listening as instinctive rather than as a skill that requires making an effort? Last question, do you ever pretend to be listening when you're not? You may be doing that right now, and I'm not even there. And if you're wondering, how do I score this assessment? The quick answer is, I got work to do. That's your score. That's my score. I got work to do. And so today is a chance in this season of life we joined together with the invitation of the Pope and especially our friend Jesus. His brother James, who writes in the fourth chapter, who are you to judge your neighbors? God is the judge. James writes in the first chapter, let everyone be quick to listen.

11:28So we just stop there, quick to listen. God, would you help me to listen today? Would you help me to be curious about other people's story? Would you help me to bracket this very strong tendency that I have to condemn and be wide open? There is no, no culmination. Thanks for joining us here at Become New. I'm Tim, part of the team, and I know I've got work to do. I was even thinking that tonight at dinner, I'm going to ask my kids, how do I do at listening? Is there someone in your life that you can ask? It is so easy to condemn others when we're not truly listening in order to understand. At Become New, we distribute 10 minute teachings every weekday, just like this one.

12:30To help you grow spiritually in Christ one day at a time, and we hope that you're not just listening to John, but that you're listening for the voice of the Holy Spirit who loves you and who is invested in the development of your character, who you're becoming. So what is the Holy Spirit speaking to you? How is he nudging, prompting, encouraging, challenging you? We'd love to know, and if you want to share it with us, you can, if you're watching on YouTube in the comments, you can text it, email it to us, or don't share it with us, share it with somebody else, but talk about it with someone. Things take root in our lives when we process them out loud with others. So we encourage you to do that as you take in these videos. You can subscribe to the YouTube channel, follow us on podcasts, or head over to Become New.com to get a bunch more resources that we provide to help you in your spiritual growth journey. We'll see you next time.