#3591: Disqualification Happens BEFORE Rejection

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Remember 85% of the communication is non-verbal folks. People get filtered out based on the projected energy not on actual registered behavior.

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Today's topic is disqualification happens first.

Now I want to be clear and draw a line of delineation between disqualification and rejection.

Being rejected is visible. Being rejected is conscious. Someone saying no thank you or we decided to go in a different direction or your application was not approved unfortunately.

That's rejection. That's someone consciously letting you know that the answer is no.

Disqualification on the other hand and this context the way I'm going to draw the difference between the two of these, the contrast.

Disqualification is when someone says this person is not even up for applying. You can't even apply.

You shouldn't be asking the question. You're not even at that level quite yet. That's what disqualification is.

That's what we're talking about here today. I'm going to explain why this matters and how it happens before rejection before you can get to the point of rejection.

Most people never reach the point where rejection is even necessary because you either get disqualified by others or is the one that happens most often.

You disqualify yourself. Let's talk about it. Point number one.

Today's topic once again is disqualification happens first. Number one behavior filters people out before intent is even considered.

What does this mean? The way that you carry yourself and or the way that other people are carrying themselves tells the world and or the subject who may be involved.

Whether you are a true candidate to even ask a question that can be rejected or you're somebody who's never even going to get to the point of asking the question.

This is the way it works. Let me give you an example. Let's see if I want to ask the ladies question first or ask the men question. Ladies, I'm asking you the question first.

I'm going to turn this around to the men. So it's going to be a different version of the same topic, same scenario.

Ladies, how many times have you seen a man noticing you? You noticed that he was noticing you?

You noticed that by the energy he was carrying or by the look on his face that there was some level of interest.

He was interested, however, and interested in you that is. However, he hesitated.

It was something in his energy that second he second guessed himself. He didn't quite have the confidence to approach or maybe he approached and said something, but he didn't approach with the energy of I'm approaching you in a masculine way because I'm interested.

He approached you maybe in a more friendly way and more safe way that was shielding him from the rejection because he wanted to he kind of wanted to safely walk into what he was doing rather than.

He didn't step confidently and bow way towards it. Ladies, you ever seen something like that? That man in that situation disqualified himself before he got to the point of getting rejected.

He couldn't get rejected because he never made the ask. He just disqualified himself by his energy. So he approached as a friend. He approached as a nice guy.

He approached as someone who was cool. He got disqualified by the way he approached. He never got rejected because he never asked. See, that's the safe way of losing.

And man, now that I've given you the example, let me ask any of you who can be honest with yourself. How many times have you made this mistake? How many times have you done this? And yes, this is a mistake because if you're interested, then you don't make an approach to where you can be rejected. You made a mistake because you missed the opportunity.

You passed on an opportunity. That's a mistake. Knowing that it was there. Now, if you missed an opportunity, you didn't know it, then that's different. It could still be a mistake, depending on how it happened. But this one is a clear one because you knew exactly what you were passing on. You just didn't have the material emotionally, mentally or conversation.

We took deal with it and you lost it. Men, you know, you've done this. Most men have probably experiences at least once in their eyes. There was a woman you were interested in. You saw her. She was there. There was an opportunity to make an approach. And for whatever reason, you didn't make the bold, confident approach. Maybe you approached, but again, you approached safely, your approach in a way that you couldn't be rejected because you weren't making a proposition.

And you dealt with it safely. You safely ended the day achieving nothing at least when it came to that girl or that woman. This is what happens when you disqualify yourself. That's self disqualification.

I know that I can't compete here. I know that I can't make anything happen here. So I'm either not going to try it all or I'm going to approach it a way that doesn't look like I'm trying to compete. So I look safe and I don't look like a threat to anyone.

Therefore, I'll just quietly disqualify myself. Everyone else will read this disqualification and there's no friction that I have to deal with. This is a pressure releasing tension, easing approach that people use when their certainty is not at its highest level.

This behavior filters you out before your intent is considered. Everybody understand what I'm saying here. This is the first point.

Before anyone even knows what your intent is or was, you filtered yourself out with what you did. You're timing, your posture, your tone, your level of restraint or laughter of.

All of these things can quietly disqualify you and these are the same things that quietly disqualify others. By the time your interest would be evaluated, the decision has already been made.

So you're a man, you say one of your interests and your approach are in some friendly way and you've known approach in a bold way that lets her know that you're actually interested.

If you come around later and try to communicate that you're interested, not just being friendly, then you may have already been disqualified in her eyes based on how you initially approached.

Why? Because the way you initially approached be lied, a lack of certainty, a be lied of lack of confidence, a be lied of lack of boldness, a be lied of lack of taking control, a lack of authority and taking control.

And because you showed that from the beginning, now she's already categorized you, i.e. filtered you, i.e. disqualified you from being the potential love interest.

This is because of the way you introduced yourself. Literally because of the way you introduced yourself.

Now, is it possible you can make up for a missed opportunity later? It's possible.

But your chances are diminished simply because of what you entered. We all know, as the saying goes, you don't get a second chance to make a first impression.

The way you initially enter is usually the way you leave. The way you come in is the way you go out. That's the way it works.

So by the time your interest is evaluated, you have already made a decision about yourself and passed that decision energetically to everybody else, so they already accepted it.

Everybody else already accepted the decision that you, by your energy, gave off to everybody else that was already made.

This is disqualification. I gave you an example a couple days ago of the basketball coaches at my school, two of them that I dealt with in my sophomore and junior years respectively.

My sophomore year, my coach had an open trial in colleges, technical year required to have open trials all the time.

So we have this open trial in my sophomore year.

And there were, I would say, the entire open trial between all the players who knew they were going to be on the team and then the players who were trying to get a spot on the team, there were maybe 25 people who tried out for the basketball team, my sophomore year.

Because it was very clear who was on the basketball team, who wasn't on the team and what was required if you're going to be a member of the team.

And it was a strong commitment to be on the basketball team and you had to be there in front of the beginning and you had to be there all the way through if you're going to be on the basketball team.

And my junior year, when a new coach came in and got everybody know that the okay, the standards from the previous coach are no longer here.

And I'm evaluating looking at everybody. Nobody has a spot. Well, what did I do? That was a green light to a whole bunch of people who were basketball interested but not basketball committed.

There's a difference between being interested in something and committed to some. So a bunch of people who were interested in basketball walked around campus and never tried out for the team my sophomore year.

But my junior year, those same people who were interested now felt like they had a chance that their interest alone without commitment can get them on the team.

My junior year, there's a hundred people trying out for the basketball team. And it's not because all of a sudden we had a bunch more serious basketball players on campus.

We didn't. We actually had fewer serious players. My junior year, then we had my sophomore year, but there were more people trying out for the team.

Why? Because the standards got lower. And because the qualification to be on the team was not as clear anymore.

So everybody was testing the waters. That's why it ended up going on how we went. And we had a much more talent diluted team. My junior year, then we had my sophomore year.

And again, it's not because the level of player on campus changed dramatically. And this is all based on qualification versus disqualification.

Because people knew they probably wouldn't be outright rejected just by showing up my junior year. So they felt like, okay, now I got a chance.

Now let me see. Maybe I can make it happen. They weren't they wouldn't even try the year before. But now they think they got a shot.

Point number two, today's topic once again is disqualification happens first. Number two, disqualification is triggered by signal not performance.

Go back to the example that I just gave the earlier example, not the basketball team, but the woman with women, a woman out and a man sees her and man is clearly interested.

But he may not have the balls to approach that disqualification that the man gives himself when he sees that attracted woman is him saying this woman is out of my league.

She's probably going to reject me. I wouldn't know what to say to a woman like this. I don't think I'm capable of talking to a woman of this caliber.

So you know what? Let me just not try the signal of the way the woman carries herself compared to the signal that the man has when he's looking at that woman.

That signal contrast, the asymmetry and that those signals is what causes the man to disqualify himself.

If not something that she did, not something that he did, the woman could just be standing or sitting doing absolutely nothing, not even noticing the man's presence.

She's giving off a signal. The man could be seeing her from across the room. She doesn't even see him and he isn't doing anything. He's just scanning the room and he sees the woman.

The signal that he feels about himself and the signal that he feels he would give off if he approached.

And the signal that he's feeling from her from all the way across the room, the asymmetry between the two is enough for the man to disqualify himself and say, I'm not even going to try.

This is the way it works. Most, well, not most, but all disqualification folks happens at an energetic level, not at a performance slash, conscious slash, conversational level.

Some of the happens at a conscious level. Let me not say that. Maybe about 10% happens at a conscious level. People saying, I think I could, but you know what? I'm not even going to try.

And these are those people who consciously think about it and then decide not to. You are the people who have to rationalize the opportunities that you passed on because now you have to live with the what if syndrome for the rest of your life because you'll never know because you never try.

People who consciously disqualify, but most of the time, 90% of the time when a disqualification happens, it's happening at the energetic slash signal level.

You feel the signal from the situation that you might approach, you compare it to the signal that you feel like you're giving off, you say this is too big of a gap.

So, you know what? Let me not even try. And again, this is all happening unconsciously. This is not something that you decide 90% of the time you're not thinking about it consciously.

10% of the time you do. And you talk yourself out of it very quickly, usually. Then you talk yourself into a rationalization that makes it feel okay.

But most of the time you're not thinking. People get filtered out based on what is being projected. You can filter other people out of your space based on how you carry yourself.

Not based on what you actually do, not what you could do because most of the time people have no idea who you are. If you only know who you are, they know they can tell by your energy what should happen and what should not happen.

I told you a few days ago, when I go to the park and my son, I take my son to the park and I'm watching him play. I don't need to engage with him while he's playing.

He's big enough to play on his own and go find other kids to play with, which is what he does. But I'm there. I'm watching him.

I'm visually. I don't talk to anybody when I'm at the park. And I see other parents kind of looking in my direction or lingering near me or they may look and smile. And I'm not back.

But I don't show them any opening for conversations on white bothers me. And I am doing it on purpose. I don't want to talk to anybody.

I want to invite bother me while I'm watching my son. Usually I'm listening to something or taking notes or doing something like that. But I'm just watching my son.

I don't really want to engage with any of these parents. And for the most part, I'm looking at these parents and saying, what am I going to gain in conversation with any of these people?

My judgment is nothing. So I don't talk to them. And that's just my decision. I'm not telling you to sustain my mind on that. I'm putting that out there to say this to emphasize this second point.

This qualification is triggered by signal. The way that I'm standing and the way that I'm looking, my body language, my energy, my stillness, my lack of verbal communication offered is all a signal to all the other parents there that, okay, I see that guy there.

And that's his kid right there. But he doesn't seem open to conversations. So nobody bothers me with conversation.

Now, my signal is different. People will probably approach me and try to start talking to them on my signal. Again, there's not something I say. There's no sign on my forehead.

My signal says, I don't want to talk to you. So nobody tries to talk to me. I'll have to tell people not to talk to me. My signal lets them know not to talk to me. And they don't.

Now, if I wanted them to talk to me, then there are other things I would do that will lead to more conversation. I don't want to. So it doesn't happen.

I'm giving you all this to say, not that I have any special skill here. Anybody can do this at any time because your signal is what tells people what's okay versus what's not.

Remember, 85% of communication is non-verbal folks. People get filtered out based on the projected energy, not on actual registered behavior.

Registered behavior comes after. Your potential is irrelevant when your signal suggests something opposite from the potential.

So if you say your potential is you could be at a level 10, but your signal says you're a level 3, then most people are going to read you as a level 3.

And never find out that you could get to a level 10. But what does this mean? This means that if you believe your potential is high, then you need to make sure that your signal is giving off the same message that you feel about yourself when you look at your signal.

Whatever you see when you look at a mirror, the signal that you give out to the rest of the world needs to match that so the rest of the world starts reading you the same way you read yourself.

I'll give you another example of this. I told you all that I started wearing suits every day because I realized that the signal that I was giving off in wearing basketball shorts and t-shirts and sneakers every day, the signal was this guy looks like an athlete.

So people wouldn't look at me and assume I was an athlete and they would strike up conversation assuming I was an athlete.

It did not bother me so much that they thought I was an athlete because I did used to be an athlete. So it was not like they were completely off.

But nowadays I'm a business person. I am a professional. I'm an entrepreneur. I'd rather people could be an assumed that I'm an entrepreneur.

So we could start the conversation from what is actually happening now, not what was happening in the past.

So I had to look at myself. It's not like all these people were wrong. They were just looking and based on pattern recognition is got tall, athletic, and good shape.

And he's wearing athlete gear. He must be an athlete. May since someone I changed the signal from athletic gear to a suit. People immediately begin to assume that I was a business professional.

This is the assumption that I get these days. Are you a lawyer? Do you work in finance? You're in the sea suite somewhere.

What type of business do you run? These are the things that people assume. Nobody comes up to me and assumes I'm an athlete when I'm an assumed. I've never had anybody make that assumption, not once.

Nobody ever came to me and assumed I was a business person when I was wearing athletic gear, not once.

The point being doesn't mean the athlete can't wear a suit, doesn't mean the businessman can't wear a t-shirt.

The point is your signal triggers two people pattern recognition that causes them to make certain assumptions.

And the conversation starts based on that assumption. Or the conversation in your own mind, even they don't talk to you, starts based on that assumption.

People get filtered out by your projections, not by your behavior.

Your potential is irrelevant. Again, when your signal is suggesting something different than what the potential is.

So if you believe your potential is greatness, but your signal says you're unstable, that you are needy, that you are not congruent, that you're inconsistent, any other red flag that tells people something about you.

And signal is not necessarily something that people read off you just by looking at your clothes one time.

Signal can also be what people see and you want a consistent basis. When they consistently see you doing something, that is a signal.

For example, it's a signal to those of you who listen to this show, that the show comes out every single day.

Every day does a new topic. Every day I'm giving you substance, every day I'm giving you some game on some subject.

That's a signal. Over the course of 30 days or 300 days or 10 years, there's a signal that I'm giving you that this is the guy who shows up consistently.

Now, what does that signal translate to in your mind? Well, that's up to you, but the signal is clear.

And the point here is, folks, it doesn't matter what my intention is, it doesn't matter what my potential is, what matters is the signal that I'm giving off and you read the signal.

So if I don't like how people are interpreting me, then I need to look at the signal that I'm giving off and ask myself what about my signal is causing this response.

I gave you this example a few days ago when I was at the gym and this gay guy kept walking up and walking near where I was and staring at me.

It was like, he was nonverbal, he was hitting on me. And what I was really questioning after I handled that situation was what about my signal was causing the gay man to walk up to in nonverbal, he hit on me.

What am I giving off the mates this gay guy? I think that this is what I'm looking for. I still haven't figured it out.

That was several years ago. What year was that? It was probably six, seven years ago that happened. I still haven't figured out what that was. But anyway, I send out a daily motivation text.

Every single morning that is guaranteed to have you focused, sharp, and all points to start your day. And I promise you you want to receive this message.

All you have to do to join my text community is to text me my number 305-384-6894. Once you join, we'll tell you all your options for how often you can get text by us and all of that.

Just text me at the number 305-384-6894 to get that daily motivation.

Point number three. Today's topic once again is disqualification happens first. Number three, rejection is explicit as I already told you.

Rejections with someone literally consciously tells you no. Disqualification is structural. Now what does this mean?

A rejection is more work than disqualification. See, disqualification keeps people out of the room before they even try to get in.

See, when you set things up a certain way, you disqualify, i.e. filter certain people from even trying in the first place based on the way that you are.

So go back to the example I gave you at the top of this episode. A woman who's dressed to the nines cares herself very classy way, very attractive woman, and clearly confident she is projecting a high level of confidence.

Her signal, her energy, her presence, projects, a filter that disqualifies less than fully confident men from even trying to approach and talk to her in the first place.

This is the woman who, any woman listed as you've ever had this experience, you're out somewhere and you notice a bunch of men looking at you, lurking, orbiting, staring, but nobody actually approaching and talking to you.

This is because your presence and your energy is filtering those men out from trying even though they can't help but to look because they notice, but they can't approach because they are being filtered out by your presence.

Your presence compared to theirs is filtering them out so they never even try. Now that same woman, if you dress down and you put on some sweatpants and some sneakers or women walk around these days and put jama pants and these things and you dress down and no makeup on and you look more, let's just say homely for lack of a better description.

Those same men will now feel comfortable approaching and talking to you. Why? Because you're giving off a different signal.

The same way you're giving off now is that you may be approachable. It's the same thing that I've given you an example not with men approaching me, but actually men approaching but not for the same reason as the moment when I was wearing an athletic gear and dressed casually.

People are much more apt to approach me, strike up conversation and say something to me than when I'm in a suit. When I'm in a suit, people do not approach me.

And they do approach me. They approach me in a completely different way with a completely different energy. I even get addressed differently when I'm in a suit versus when I'm in casual gear.

When I'm in casual clothing, nobody ever calls me sir or mister. I'm in a suit. I get sir and mister all the time just because the signal. I'm the same person. The signal is different and mind you, this is before I've said a word.

Even if I don't say anything, it's the signal that causes people to address me differently and approach me differently or approach me not at all because it's signal that I'm giving off.

And I'm telling you this not about me, but for you. You give off a signal as well. And this is energetic. It's not just the clothes by the way. It's not just what you're wearing. It's how you're carrying yourself.

When you get rejected, folks, that requires engagement. Rejection is an engagement and rejection is a man approaches a woman and a woman says, I'm not interested or no thank you or I have a boyfriend or I'm not available for that.

That's a rejection woman has to actually say she has actually listened to you talk about you finish and then tell you something back to get rid of you. That's a rejection.

Disqualification is structural meaning the structure of the way she carries herself in the signal that she gives off automatically tells you know before you even asked a question.

Ideal we folks those you looking to be high level at what you do. You want to be disqualifying people not rejecting. In other words, you don't even want people coming forward who do not pass the filters so that the only people you are talking to already fit all the qualifications necessary.

It doesn't mean you want to say yes to all of them, but you want to have higher quality leads so to speak borrowing a marketing concept.

This is the reason why when companies post job openings, they tell you all the requirements for the job. The more requirements you see listed, those are high filters.

If there's a lot of requirements, that's a high level of filter. This is a company that's saying we understand instead of getting 100 applicants, we're only going to get seven applicants.

But those seven that we get are going to be highly qualified because they have to pass all of these filters to even apply in first place.

So out of that seven, we're going to find three who are really, really, really good.

Now, the other company who has much fewer and lower filters, they want to get 100 applicants. And there are a bunch of them going to be mediocre and useless, but they're willing to sift through all those because they want to play a numbers game.

Now, depending on what type of business you're running, if you're running some big tech business and you need a high quality coder who's really experienced, you want only seven applicants.

But if you're McDonald's and you just need somebody to work the fry machine, you may want 100 or 200 applicants.

You just need a warm body. You can show work every day at one time and working then fry machine.

So it depends on what's your filter before. Most people don't get rejected. Most people never try in the first place. You never get into the room in the first place.

I remember when I first got into the speaking business. This is about 2014, 2015. I'm getting out of basketball and I decided the first thing I want to do is get into the speaking business.

And I remember saying this at my first toast match was meeting in South Beach. I said, I want to get into the speaking business next after basketball.

I don't even know how to get into the industry, but what I'm going to do is I'm going to reach out to a bunch of events that I see has speakers.

And I'm going to just cold email them or they have a phone number. I'm a cold call them and I'm going to pitch myself and I'm going to keep pitching myself to somebody says, yes, and that's how I'm going to work my way into an entry.

And that's literally what I did. And the reason why I'm bringing that up is the way that you filter yourself and you qualify yourself.

I went and reached out to as many events as possible and found the ones that have low filters. I you don't have to know somebody or be from this industry of that industry.

So go filter places prove myself and I still we started to work my way up to where now I provide the filters.

So now I'm not going to a place that says you need to apply if you want to be a speaker. I'm not even looking at them when I first started.

That's all I did because that's the position I was in, but as my position elevated, I started increasing the filters on them, setting them increase in filters on me.

And the better you get the higher your filters and the less you need to respond to anybody else's filters.

All that said was regards today's class which is the qualification happens first rejection is visible folks this qualification is not qualification happens in a mind rejection happens from the mouth point number one behavior filters out people before intention is ever considered.

And behavior again is the other person behavior or the behavior of the person who's doing filtering.

They want to make sure there's clear this qualification so you never even try in first place number two.

Disqualification is triggered by signal knock performance. You can't think of that really attracted woman the way she carries herself and dresses herself.

Tells a bunch of men who don't have ultimate confidence that you shouldn't even approach me in the first place and the men decide that themselves.

The woman doesn't say the men decide it.

And number three, rejection is explicit. Disqualification is structural.

Rejection is explicit meaning you had to tell somebody know when you're rejecting them.

Disqualification is you show people that they shouldn't even ask based on the way that you're carrying yourself in the first place.

Who's you who want to step up your structure so that you are filtering out the wrong people and filtering in the right people just by structure alone.

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