38. Giving Up the 'Last Word'

0:00At Become New, get 10 minutes of spiritual formation every weekday with John Orberg. Hey, we're learning how to give up condemnation and blaming and self-righteousness in this season. One discipline that we're practicing is not having to have the last word. I got a very vivid expression of this just yesterday. Speaking for a group of people with a friend of mine, his name is Bill. He's a pastor, kind of a struggling little church in Atlanta. He brought a group of people out for me to speak with. Bill has owed me $10 for a long time. It's because of a sporting event, but he denies it. He's got this illusion that it never happened. And so I've kept reminding him, you owe me $10, like I got to have the last word every time.

1:02And it finally paid off. He paid me in front of all these people yesterday. He paid me with interest, but he paid me in nickels. This is hundreds of nickels. What I want to do with these stupid nickels. When I'm leaving the event, I left the parking. So I had to pay for the parking. It was $9. And this is $240 nickels, $12. I figured they're all in cahoots. I wanted so bad to say. Here you go. Keep the change. But I think I will just keep this a while as a reminder of how, if you lived to have the last word, you might get what you asked for, but you're probably not going to get what you want. I can actually trust God to not have to use nagging, condemning, blaming to control or manipulate other people. And what I want to talk about in that regard today is a real important subject. An area where we often get into counter condemnation is when we hear criticism. So how do I receive criticism in a way that's not going to create churn inside me

2:09or inside somebody else? And the place that I'll start with this, and then we're actually going to trace this out in the life of a character in the Bible who got a lot of criticism and condemnation. Key idea from a scriptural point of view is learn to separate criticism from condemnation in my mind and my spirit. The Bible is full of instructions to learn from criticism, listen to criticism, reflect on criticism. Proverbs as one of its most prominent themes, 1531, listen to criticism, listening to criticism, brings wisdom. Rejecting it can cause self-harm. Or Proverbs 121, loving-reprove is considered loving-knowledge. Really? Do I love-reprove? Well, if I really want to grow, I can come to. Or Proverbs 1925, rebuking a discerning person helps them gain knowledge. So over and over and over again,

3:15listen to it, learn from criticism. However, the Bible is equally clear, do not internalize condemnation, do not receive condemnation. When it comes to condemnation, then I want in my spirit to have a kind of teflon, and Paul puts it so strongly in his letter to the Church of Rome Romans 8. If God is for us, who can be against us? It is God who justifies, who is it that condemns? You may know, in the Christian faith, we will sometimes talk about justification by faith. I trust that through Jesus, through His love, through His death on the cross, I have been justified, and it's important for me to understand justification is not a card that I pull out when it's time to go to heaven. It is a spiritual and emotional and psychological reality that's the foundation for my relational life and well-being right now. It is God who justifies, who is it that condemns?

4:22So I don't have to receive condemnation. Now, if I'm on to receive criticism, well, how do I do it? This is from a book called The Lost Art of Listening by Michael Nichols and Martha Strauss. We all think we're good at receiving criticism. I was talking to a good friend of mine, quite recently, who had been consulting with a group, and there was a man that he was consulting with and was giving feedback from an assessment tool. And the guy said, just give it to me direct. I like it straight. Just tell it to me real honestly. Don't try to pretty it up. And so my friend who was consulting did that not in a harsh way, just in a straightforward way, and he watched the man crumple and just feels so crushed by words that were really just kind of pretty straightforward. Here's an area we could grow. Grow. I need to grow. So how do I learn to listen to criticism? Do you often find yourself interrupting someone who's criticizing you before the person has a chance to finish? This understandable but counterproductive impulse

5:23robs the other person of a sense of having been heard. You don't have to agree to hear what someone has to say. To avoid getting defensive, concentrate on listening to the entire criticism. Then ask, without sarcasm, is there anything else? Is there anything else? And just sincerely want to know because I want to grow. Finally, offer your understanding of what the person is trying to say. Not a paraphrase, but what you think the other person was trying to get at. Now, fascinating character when it comes to criticism, condemnation in the Bible is King David. He's a very human man. So this is not like here's the perfect hero in the Bible that we should all be like. He gets it right sometimes, gets it wrong sometimes. The primary character in the Bible, of course, is God. When David's quite young, you might remember, he goes off to bring some food to his brothers when Goliath is threatening the people of Israel and David says, hey, we shouldn't

6:29put up with that. When a lie of David's oldest brother heard him speaking with the men, he burned with anger at David and asked, why have you come down here? With whom did you leave those few sheep in the wilderness? I know how conceited and how wicked your heart is. You came down only to watch the battle. What am I done, said David? Can I even speak? It's interesting. A lie of if you know David's story was actually the oldest of the brothers and the one that when Samuel saw a lie of he thought, surely this is the one that God wants me to annoy as the future king and God says, no, don't judge somebody by their appearance or by their height. Apparently a lie of was pretty impressive. God says, I have not chosen this one. So maybe there's some jealousy going on inside of that. And in face of really quite a harsh condemning spirit, David is unstoppable. We see that also in his relationship with Saul, Saul is the king. He is pathologically jealous of David. At one point when he has tried to kill David, he's cursed him, condemned him. He goes

7:30into a cave where David and his men are. So he's a David's mercy and his men say, this is the day, David. God said he would deliver your enemies into your hands. You can you can take him and David's response. And what he actually says to Saul is, no, it's very interesting. David says there's an old saying evil deeds from evil doers. Jesus used to say a bad dream. If there's a hatred anger and so on the inside my thoughts and desires and perceptions, it will produce bad fruit. Evil deeds from evil doers. David says, no, I will not take vengeance. So that's quite extraordinary. Later on in David's life, when he becomes the king, he's celebrating when the arc of the covenant is brought into Jerusalem. And the text says that David is dancing before the Lord with all his might. But Michael, daughter, son of Saul, watched from a window when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord. She despised him in her heart. When he came home to bless the

8:32household, he wants to bless. She curses how the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half naked in full view of the slave girls of his sermons as any vulgar fellow would. You sarcasm with somebody. And David's response to Michael makes it quite clear. He does not accept that kind of condemnation from her. Now, later on, as David is king, as you may remember, there is an episode where he very seriously violates his oath, marital vows. Has your rye of the Hittite killed? Because he is slept with your rye as wife Bathsheba. And then Bathsheba gets pregnant. A child is born. And all this time, David is unrepentant. So for at least a year, maybe more, every day he wakes up, not going to repent, not going to think

9:33about it, not going to make things, but not going to confess. And finally, a prophet, Nathan, quite courageously speaks the truth to powers, thought very carefully tells a little parable about somebody who does a real unjust thing, steals a poor man's only sheep, although he's quite rich. David burns with anger. And then Nathan says, they'll art the man at you. And David hears that. I am sending in the Lord. And David repents. So there we see a place where the criticism is very severe and very risky. And David with an open heart receives it and learns from it. And it's kind of interesting. Later on, another place that's not nearly as famous, David and his men are traveling. And there's a man from Saul's family named Shimei, son of Gira, and he cursed as he came out. Listen to this, he pelted David and all the kings officials with stones, though all the troops and special gardener on David's right and left.

10:36As he cursed, Shimei said to David, get out, get out, you murderer, you scoundrel, the Lord is repaid for all the blood you shed in the household of Saul. And David's men say, you know, let's kill him. And David says, no, if he is cursing because the Lord said to him, curse David, who can ask, why do you do this? So he and his men just keep going while Shimei is going after them, cursing as he went along, throwing stones, showering him with dirt. Is that amazing scene where David is now turning the other sheep and later on, there's an interesting kind of reconciliation with that. But, lest you think David now has it all perfect, as a father, horrible things happen. He has one son that violates assaults, his half-sister, and David does nothing. He's an absolute mess furious at that. And David and Absalom end up being estranged for like five years, and Absalom dies a horrible death in

11:40defiance of his dad, and then add an eye to another son with David. It's real old about that I add. And I just says, I'm the king. I'm going to be the king, even though he's not. And the text says, David never rebuked him by saying, why are you doing these things? Why are you behaving in this way? That would have been a pretty mild rebuked. Don't even do that. And it may well be at the end of his life, what David really needs is somebody to offer him that kind of criticism. Nathan actually goes to Bathsheba initially, rather than to David. So a real checkered life, but consistently with David, when he's able to live in the courage of not being discouraged by condemnation, live as the Lord's anointed. He is just unstoppable. When his heart is open and is willing to learn from sometimes extremely painful criticism, repentance and growth. When there's not criticism, or he's not willing to learn it, just trouble, trouble, trouble. So today, if there's somebody

12:44who treats you or speaks to you in a way that evokes thoughts of, I'm not worthy, I'm condemned, I'm no good. That is not God speaking to you. That is not God speaking to me. But when criticism comes today, just remember God loves me. The sun's going to come up again tomorrow. I have any turtle dust, any ungod's great universe. And so my question is, tell me more, is there anything else? Is there anything else? And be really sincere with it and learn, man, to be able to receive and learn from criticism. Believe me, nobody has a greater gift for natural defensiveness than I do. So I know how strong the tide can run the other way, to actually be able to receive criticism, to let go of having my ego on the line. Find out, is there a way that God can be at work? Is there a way that I can get better as a human being? It's the best. Because there is now no condemnation.

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