Episode 3952, are you chasing the wrong part of the heart?

Moms, it's time to rediscover, rejuvenate, and renew who you are in mind, body, and spirit.

Welcome to Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie, the show that help you do just that.

Here's your host, Certified Life Coach, Personal Trainer, and Nutritionist,

Kristian Wargo.

Happy happy day! How's it going? I mean, like, seriously, do you have

snow on the ground? Is there ice? Well, I'm so wondering if we're going to get it and

how bad it's going to be. We've got it, it's coming, it's here, but take a deep breath,

it's all about relationship filters. Are you chasing the wrong part of the heart?

For those of you who are brand new to Create Your Now, welcome to this incredible family.

I'm so delighted of your presence. If you already even had the opportunity,

you'll want to head on over to CreatureNow.com, where you can learn more and

sign up for the Kisses newsletter, to keep it simple strategy, everyday solutions,

to live love and impact, where this episode is brought to you by AIM, Inspiring Connection,

and Community. Well, we're going to jump in to kind of an interesting topic. And as you know

here, I don't carry all the answers. You know that. I share my experiences. I share

how I believe we can handle some real life application in our life. And sometimes we've got to

realize that in order for us to get to where we're supposed to be going, where God wants to stretch

us, we have to be willing to do some of the nitty-gritty work. We have to get our hands and feet

a little bit dirty and the nooks and cranny of our everyday and do some heart work.

But sometimes we're just lazy, we're overwhelmed, right? You can throw into it whatever

you want to, right? You can make up excuses. It doesn't matter. But what I want you to have today

is I really want you to open up your heart and what you feel like something's tugging on you. This

is not me telling you you're doing something wrong or you're doing something right or whatever it

is. This is you to get real with yourself. I mean, what if you could have an incredible marriage

over this next year and really build it to be that you're going to extend it to however long

you're going to be married. You're going to double that, triple it. Wouldn't it be awesome if

you've only been married five years? You know, triple it. How would that be? How would that

fail? You'd make it to 20 years, right? If it's five and you go triple, triple, five, 10, 15, 20,

right, 20 years. So just think about that. I'm not just multiplying by, you know, three. I'm just

saying because I'd only be 15 years. Okay, we'll leave that for another episode. I'm not going to do

math live here. I never liked the whole idea of like how you say, I'm going to double this or

triple that anyway. It's just kind of mind boggling sometimes, but you get my drift.

So here I want you to really think about what comes up for you. And if you're like,

really Christian, I got this great. Then go deeper. Okay, we can always go deeper. I'm telling you,

I've done the work. I'm doing the work. There's always more to do. No one arrives, finished, done.

No, you don't. Not until you're on the other side. And you're not there yet, right? God has

not called you home. So let's talk about marriage, right? A word that conjures images of bliss,

partnership, and forever, but it also has this whole thing of confusion, frustration, maybe some

anger and unexpected challenges. When two people say I do, it isn't just a promise to love.

It's an entry into a complicated dance of needs, expectations, and realities. And somewhere

along the way you might find yourself wondering, are you chasing the wrong part of the heart?

I mean, let's be real. Too many people step into marriage thinking it's all about them.

They want their partner's role to serve their needs, validate their feelings and eliminate

inconveniences for them. But here's the thing. I need a spoiler alert. That kind of mindset is a

shortcut to loneliness, not connection. Where's your marriage sitting now? Is it on sinking sand?

Are you barely keeping your relationship together above water like you're just barely together?

And you're like, gosh, if one more thing happens, I'm done. I'm out of here no more.

Or maybe you're saying, actually, we went through that in a different way, but now we're

getting close to being better, but it could still be better.

If marriage isn't about one person's selfish fulfillment, what is it really about?

Have you ever asked yourself that question? I mean, sometimes, yeah, we talk about it here,

but again, I want to keep peeling back these layers. You know what it's about, honestly,

but I want to remind you, it's about two imperfect people coming together to choose each other

every day, showing up with humility, effort for giving quickly and a willingness what to grow,

to be stretched, not for themselves alone, but for the we that they're creating.

Wouldn't that be exciting to see what that really would look like in life?

You know, if you keep buying into the myth that marriage is about getting what you want,

at some point you hit a wall, right? And that wall usually comes calling when the glow of the

honeymoon phase fades and life's responsibilities, the work stress, the kids, the bills,

all the things, the laundry, right? Let's blame everything on the laundry. It all piles on.

And that's when you need a reality check. What part of the heart are you really chasing?

What are you going after? Are you after validation?

Maybe you're going after control because that's just all you know. You feel like it's better because

you have control. Maybe you're going after it just out of convenience. You don't want to work

as hard. Life should be easy. It's all about you. Or maybe on the flip side, it's about genuine

connection. Identifying that is where the root of your troubles begin.

So I want you to think about this. If you're chasing the right part though,

then be willing to grow deeper in your marriage because it's not always about chasing the wrong

part. Sometimes you're in a good place. And that's fabulous. High five. Woohoo, celebrate it.

But you can still go deeper. None of us will ever arrive. There's still more work to be done.

I didn't like doing the work honestly when the tornado of our life hit within our marriage.

And my husband said, I'm falling out of love. I'm done with you. Okay, you didn't say that part.

Those are my words. But that's what it felt like. I'm done with you. You're old news.

You're not worthy of my existence being present in where I am. I mean, these are all my internal

thinking, right? And we weren't just two, three, four years in. We were five kids,

three dogs, three cats. I get go to boot, moved. I don't know how many times at that point.

I was homeschooling them before. And now all of a sudden, he's like, yeah, I'm done.

There's no connection here anymore. The reality there was I had to do the hard work. He did too.

But I couldn't control him. I couldn't live his life. I couldn't make his decisions even though

come on. Let's be honest. Wouldn't we all like to control our husband? But in reality, that's not

what makes a marriage awesome. He had to do his own work. And I had to go and do my own work.

And yeah, it was hard. It was to the point where it was tedious. I was on my knees. I probably

filled. I don't know. Multiple swimming pools with my tears. Multiple. Now, I'm not telling you all

of that for you to feel sorry for me. I'm telling you that because why? You got to learn to course

correct to go deeper. That is your kiss to keep it simple strategy. Learn to course correct.

If you want a better marriage, you've got to be willing to put in the work. And that means

filling up pools upon pools with your tears. That means laughing a little bit more. Learning to laugh

at yourself. Learning to laugh at the situation. Forgiving each other. You see a lot of times

we're just looking at. That's all about me. W-I-I-F-M. What's in it for me? Is at the station

you're playing all the time? And maybe you haven't been recently, but you haven't the past. That's okay.

Own it for what it's worth. Maybe this is bringing up a few things for you going, man,

I really did kind of treat my husband wrong. Or I could treat him better in this instance.

It's not always about every area. But let me tell you, there's stuff that's still there.

Figure it out. Now, I want to give a caution here, okay? When I'm talking about here,

about course correction, this is for people who are of sound mind. Not where abuse exists.

So, if you're in a relationship where you've got a spouse who is abusive, however you define

that, right, it could be physical. It could be emotional. It could be spiritual even. It could be

psychological. Whatever it is, this is not for you directly as in your direct relation with you

and your spouse. Now, you can do the hard work yourself for you, but for you to say this is how

you need to treat your spouse. It depends on your circumstances. So, I want to put that big caution

out there. This has got to be for people of sound mind. And I don't even want to use a word normal,

honestly, because what is normal, right? Then we have to define that. This is about where there is no

abuse around, okay? It's about, oh, yeah, we fight once in a while. And yeah, we don't like each other

because, you know, I have this quirk or he has that quirk. Yeah, I get that. That's fine.

But it's not about someone who is, you know, has addiction. It's not about someone who abuses you.

That's not what I'm talking about here, okay? That's my caution. All right, so let's jump in. What

does it look like to course correct? And really where you can understand how to avoid chasing the

wrong part of your spouse's heart. Number one, quit treating your spouse like a servant.

Being married doesn't mean you get a personal assistant for life's hard parts or even the easy

parts. If your love language sounds like, huh, babe, you owe me. You have to serve me. Chances are

your fueling resentment, not intimacy. So shift your focus from what you want to what you can give.

And I'll honestly serve first love second. Serving is hard. Why? Because you have to give up

part of yourself. And when you can do that love follows behind unconditional love. And this

is not poetic fluff. I'm not just putting it out there to say, oh, this is what it should be like,

oh, no, this is about the foundation of lasting respect, respect that is earned. Okay, respect

is not a given. If you're out there that says, well, you should respect me. No, respect is earned.

Don't act like you have already arrived and that you are the king or the queen of everything.

That doesn't work that way. Quit treating your spouse like a servant. And if you're like, wow,

this doesn't make sense. Go back. How did Jesus walk here on earth? That's all I'm going to do. Go

look at all the stories. Go find it in the Bible. Use AI. Google it. Because we could be here forever.

You didn't ever see Jesus treating anyone as if they were his servant. And if all people,

yeah, he probably could walk around and do that. But even he did not with the immense power that

he has. Right. So if he didn't do it, why are we doing it? Quit treating your spouse like a servant.

Number two, make vulnerability your strength, not your weakness. Again, I preface this.

This is about two people who are of sound mind. And this has nothing to do with those who are involved

in an abusive relationship. Okay. Now, you can take this for what it's worth personally.

But it may not actually apply to relationship because of where your relationship stands. And I will

encourage you. If you are in an abusive relationship, please go get help. Find somebody you can trust

a confidant. Go talk to a church. Go into your police station and say, I don't know who to turn to.

But this is where I'm at. Let them help you point you in the right direction. Okay. You don't have

to do it alone. It's hard. I understand. But there is help out there. There are people who want to

help you. So you don't have to be alone. All right. Let's look at this now for the ones who are

of sound mind. Number two, make vulnerability your strength and not weakness. Stop hiding behind

the silence or defensiveness. Real connection demands you risk showing your cracks, your flaws.

When you lead with openness instead of blame or withdrawal, you invite your spouse into your true

whole heart. Again, this is for those who are of sound mind. You're not going to release that to

someone who's abusive to you. All right. You need to be guarded on that seriously. So this

invitation alone, when you are saying, okay, I'm in it together. We're in it together. What does

it look like? It can truly thaw the coldest distance. When you feel like, gosh, I'm losing my

spouse. He's all the way over there. I don't know. What can I draw him back into? How can I, you know,

gain more, not of his attention necessarily, but understanding, well, this is where I am and where

are you? And maybe it is pain attention. Maybe you're vulnerable, but your spouse isn't. Make space

for that vulnerability to show up. Okay. Sometimes we're doing everything that we think is right,

but we're not giving space to allow it on the opposite side, right? Our spouse. Think about it.

And finally, number three, remember, it's we, not me. Mary life is a joint venture, right? With shared

wins and losses, you're in it together. That means your happiness isn't about extracting value from

your partner. It's not about take, take, take, take, take, take, take. It's about building something

neither of you could achieve alone. I want to say that again, because I think that's really a

sticking point here. Your happiness isn't about extracting value from your partner. It's about

building something neither of you could achieve alone. And when you look at it that way, this mindset,

shift, rewires how you communicate, even how you argue and how you celebrate every victory,

both small and big. Life is an adventure, so share it together. Otherwise, guess what, you're not

going to do it together. You're going to end up in the big, answer the big D, the big separation

and the big divorce. And maybe you're looking for a way out. That's for another conversation.

That's not what we're talking about here. What we're talking about here is you saying, I want to do

something and then I want it to be we need to do something to where we grow together to make our

marriage stronger. So let me ask you this question. And this one's a tough one too. When you're

looking at all of this about are you chasing the wrong part of the heart? If you're doing that,

or let's say you're like, I'm getting better, I see where I can improve. Where's the hope in your

marriage? Because in marriage, hope lives in the rejection of entitlement and the acceptance of

collaboration. Think about that. If you've got a spouse who says you have to do this or you're

this spouse who says you have to do this because what you have to. We got a problem. Sound the alarms.

That's called entitlement. You're not entitled to anything. You cannot control your spouse. Get over it.

But if you want to to become one, then there has to be this acceptance of collaboration and it has

to come from both of you. Not just one of you. It starts with one and you finish with two, right?

Takes two to tango. But it starts with one and ends with two. Hope is found in the daily choice to

show up. To listen deeply. Yeah, sometimes that means we got to shut our mouths so we can hear what

our spouse is saying. Stop trying always to finish their sentences. It might be cute when you're going

out as a couple. And you have the comments from other, oh, I wish we could finish each other's

sentences like you guys do. That's cute, maybe. But when you're in real life conversation,

shut your mouth so you hear their words, not your own. And yeah, I know. I kind of sound a little

bit rough around the edges, but sometimes we need to hear the truth. I'm not one to beat around the

bush. Remember, you're on at the same team. Fight for each other instead of against each other.

It's not glamorous, right? It's gritty and often tedious, but it's real and it's powerful.

The fight isn't about each other. The fight is for each other.

So if you're feeling lost or stuck, maybe you're like, Christian, I don't know. That's okay,

don't panic. Marriage is going to be messy. It is. The growth is painful. You're going to shed

those tears, but you're also going to have tears of joy too. Remember chasing the right part of

the heart, the part that wants that partnership, not possession means your story isn't over yet.

There is hope. And it's just getting real. So lie yourself to soak in. Maybe this is an episode

you need to go back and listen to again and again. Maybe you need to share it with someone that you

know. Thank you for doing so. This information only gets out there when you say, you know what?

This touched me in this manner. But you see, you do matter. And the family starts with the two of you.

And a family can be anything. It could be the two of you and a pet or it's just the two of you.

That's still a family. You don't have to have kids to have a family. Now some people define it

at that, but I don't. You can be a couple and not your family. So allow yourself to feel a little

bit like, I don't have it all together. That's okay. That means what? Your pain, attention, you're aware.

The adventure is just beginning. So go out. Let it feel real and let it be all powerful.

Go in peace. Be present. Be incredible. Be you. I love you so very much. I cannot wait to see you

on the other side. Blessing tags and lots and lots of love. We'll talk to you real soon. Have a

glorious blessed day. Bye-bye. Feeling inspired and ready to train for life and love your journey,

visit createyournow.com for more incredible resources to help you along the way. We'll see you next

time on Create Your Now Your Best Selfie. And remember, always be sure you consult your physician

before beginning any health and fitness plan.