Episode 3,980, love with Tethered Hearts.

Mom's, it's time to rediscover, rejuvenate, and renew who you are in mind, body, and spirit.

Welcome to Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie, the show that help you do just that.

Here's your host, Certified Life Coach, Personal Trainer, and Nutritionist, Kristian Wargo.

Happy every day, I hope you're having a fabulous weekend and maybe you're enjoying

whether a little touch, maybe you're getting the spring in your system, you're like,

come on, where is it, where is it going to happen?

I know we all want it to bloom, and why not have love with Tethered Hearts?

For those of you who are brand new to Create Your Now, welcome to The Syncorable Family.

I'm so delighted of your presence.

If you already have the opportunity, you want to head on to CreateYourNow.com where you

can learn more and sign up for the Kisses newsletter.

They keep it simple strategy, everyday solutions to live, love, and impact.

This episode is brought to you by AIM, Inspiring Connection, and Community.

I really do hope you're having a restful weekend allowing yourself to catch up, allowing

your body to unwind a little bit.

Because when we do that, we open ourselves up to what's possible.

Otherwise, we're restraining ourselves, and sometimes we're just walking around with

our hands completely closed, and that means we're also closing our hearts.

It happens not just out in the real world, but within the world of our four walls, in

the privacy of our own home.

We forget how important it is to stay in tune to our marriage, to the man, to the woman

we said yes to.

Discomfort in a relationship is often seen as a warning sign or a problem to be avoided.

But if those uncomfortable moments like disagreements, frustrations, and misunderstandings

are actually the very gateways to a deeper connection and more rewarding marriage, strip

away the noise and love with tethered hearts.

When you do that, and I know it probably sounds a little bit strange, like, with tethered

hearts, I mean, where are you going with this Christian?

I want to hang in there.

We're going to go there.

We're going to go deep today.

Because I believe a lot of us in relationships, so I don't care if you're married, I don't

care if you're just dating, I don't care what it is.

Just in totality of relationships, it's just like, hmm, what are you right here for me

right now?

Like, give me what you got.

And if not, well, then I'm going to go find it somewhere else because it's easier that

way.

My friends are not going to have a strong marriage if you're living that way, right?

So when you strip away the noise of the everyday life and the tiny irritations that pull you

apart, because you know it happens, let's be honest, right?

Don't sit there and try to pretend that you have a perfect marriage.

No one has a perfect marriage, including me.

And I'm sitting here telling you that we're more madly in love with each other than we've

ever been, but we still have struggles and troubles.

We still have to work through things and we have to do it from a perspective of, we're

in this together.

Not, well, I want it my way.

Too many of us are living that way.

And today, I want you to drop that scenario in your head because you see when you strip

away all of that, what remains is an opportunity, a chance to grow side by side, tethered heart

to heart.

And really, ultimately, that's what you're looking for because most couples don't realize

it.

Navigating discomfort together isn't just about surviving the storm.

We think it is, I just got to get through this.

I just got to get to the other side.

Yeah, I get that, but it's about discovering new dimensions of love, trust and respect

that weren't visible before.

A lot of things are hidden in our chaos, and it's unfortunate that we have to go through

it to learn it, to see it, to recognize it.

But if we don't, we're missing out.

And when you look at couples that have been together for 50, 60, 70, and sometimes, depending

upon when they got married, 80 years together, that's craziness.

They didn't just buy happenstance get to that.

They chose to love each other every single day.

You see, I love tethered to your partner's heart isn't a fairy tale.

It's an achievable, powerful reality.

You can have it.

And you're probably like, okay, well, explain it to me a little bit.

Give me some meat on the bones here.

Well, love with tethered hearts means being deeply and unwaveringly connected to your partner,

emotionally, mentally, spiritually, in a way that keeps you linked even when life gets

messier difficult.

Think of it like two hearts tied together with a strong, flexible cord that stretches and

moves, but never breaks or lets you drift apart.

The arguments can do that to us, right?

He did discussions.

Oh, he just has that attitude.

He didn't take the trash out like he really does.

And we just sit there and whisper these things under our breath.

But you know what that does?

It fills the, I'm not good enough bank account for your spouse.

And so when the real crap hits the fan, it really didn't have anything to do with the

real crap because you've been keeping, scoring everything else throughout your marriage.

And you think, oh my goodness, this is what blew everything up.

Know what did it?

There were a lot of hills and valleys to get to where you are when everything went to

Kapooie, seriously.

But a lot of us are just looking at like, yeah, well, it's just this.

It's just, it's not that big of a deal yet.

You're keeping score.

You're talking to your girlfriend about it.

You talked to your mom about it.

There's something there, right?

When you love with tethered hearts, it's totally different from this easy surface level

love that fades at first sign of conflict or discomfort, right?

Like, just, just go away already.

You're not worth my effort, right?

Because you're perfect.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

And I get it.

I'm not saying that that's your attitude.

But we do have those moments.

We all have them like, why can't you get it together?

And then what happens when you keep having those moments, that's what adds up to the

bank account of, I really don't like being around you.

And then you start thinking of other things.

Stuff comes to mind or there's temptations in other zones of your life.

And that complicates your relationships, right?

Your marriage, it complicates wherever these other things are being filtered in and through.

We could be here literally for months to years talking about this.

But instead tethered hearts, right?

Think about this.

They're bound by conscious commitment, that choice.

They're bound by trust and understanding.

You're not just living side by side.

You're intentionally anchored to each other through every challenge, through every disagreement.

And every season of change, you're in it together.

Because ultimately you're better together.

Now, in that moment, he'd be like Christy Ann, we need to be in two separate corners.

Or we're just going to not make it.

We're not going to survive this.

I get that.

We all have those moments to give yourself that space and time.

But if you look at, I want to have this marriage that is untouchable, as in, I want to be able

to weather anything, then you want to have love with tethered hearts.

And this kind of love means showing up fully, even when it's hard.

Making space for vulnerability without judgment.

Choosing connection over convenience, time and time again.

It's not about, well, yeah, I have five minutes, babe.

No, you don't.

You make time, right?

You make time.

You don't have to sit there and come, well, you know, yeah, I kind of have it.

I'll squeeze you in.

Feeling understood and accepted, not despite flaws, but because of them, right?

You're not perfect, but you're good enough.

Opposites attract, know that, know that you and your spouse, you're not equal, you're

not supposed to be.

I mean, let's go, new slash here.

Maybe we should just have a headline of that.

You're not going to be the same.

And that's what makes you incredible together and makes you an incredible team.

When your hearts are tethered, discomfort isn't a wedge, but it's a thread weaving you

closer together.

It's the love that outlasts passion and invatuation because it's built on something deeper and

far more resilient, a bond that no storm can sever.

So I want you to think about how you see your marriage right now.

What stands out for you?

Is it the arguments?

Maybe it's the intimacy or lack thereof?

The separation of presence, you know, are you hanging out with each other?

Or do you really not like each other?

And so you're just better off two ships passing in the night type of a thing.

What about the ears to hear?

Do you have them?

Do you not?

Do you care?

What about the heart to love?

And to love unconditionally?

And what if you were to stop long enough to care about your spouse like you did when

you wanted to go on that first date, or as you planned your dream wedding, right?

Remember, I'm making the assumption right now you're married, okay?

If not, and you're in the midst of it, well, then just go back to dating.

But I'm going to make an assumption you're already married.

You didn't just say, okay, I'm going to go even if you had a courthouse wedding, even

if you only had two people show up.

You had the pastor, whoever married you, right?

It could have been the judge, whoever it was, and then two witnesses, no big deal.

Maybe you went off and flew off to Vegas.

Okay, great.

You still planned it somehow some way, even if it was for five minutes, but you were

excited about it.

Go back to those feelings because right then you knew that this is enough.

I want to do this.

I want to be with you.

But then now you're like, whatever, great.

You show up for dinner, leftovers in the fridge, heat them up yourself.

I know that sounds kind of harsh, but isn't that a reality of a lot of families right

now?

We can't raise up stronger generations and show them what family really is if we don't

start changing ourselves.

Something has to shift, right?

And that shift starts with you, my friend.

Don't let your marriage fail because life throws everything at you.

Love deeper than the ocean.

That is your kiss to keep it simple strategy.

Love deeper than the ocean, and the ocean is pretty deep.

I mean, me being from Hawaii, I just love that whole thought of gosh, love deeper than

the ocean.

Have you ever gone scuba diving now?

A husband was a scuba diver, like I had all the, you know, qualifications, all that

to me.

Yeah, not so much.

Don't want to go underneath there.

I will look at pictures.

I will swim with the wild animals, but I'm not going to be put into a container on purpose

to go swim with sharks.

I'm just saying, but I will go and I will admire and I will be there and I will look at things

that are just a little bit under the surface level, but I'm not going all the way down.

Why?

I don't know.

Call it what it is.

Maybe I'm scared.

Maybe I'm not.

We'll leave that for another episode.

But here's the thing.

Love.

I think about the love that Christ has for us, right?

We need to have that for our spouse, but we don't.

We're sitting in our love room with like a dried up pond instead of a beautiful ocean.

Where does yours fit in?

Right?

It does not happen by accident.

It takes a determined mind and heart to connect to another's, right?

And you have to be intentional.

You have to say, I get to love you, even when you don't want to, even when you're exhausted,

even when you're frustrated.

I get to love you.

I don't always understand that, but I get to love you.

It's not impossible to love deeper than the ocean.

It's not.

You can have that love with tethered hearts, and it starts with one, right, and finishes

with two.

So you've got to start with one and finish with two.

So that means you can start it.

You don't have to wait till your spouse jumps on board.

You don't have to say, hey, by the way, will you listen to this gal?

I think she's got some great points for our marriage.

You can do that, but if you're not quite there yet and you don't want to open up that

discussion, then start with you because let me tell you, you keep up with it.

You build the consistency, eventually your spouse will jump on board.

They'll see.

Now, if not, we may need another conversation about a few other things because it's just

not that.

I know.

I've been practicing for years.

Some things he catches on so fast.

I'm like, wow, that was easy.

Are you old enough to know about that was easy, but I think it was staples that brought

that out.

Oh, I love that little button.

It's so cute.

That was easy, right?

You just hit it and it says that was easy.

Well, I sometimes feel like, wow, my husband actually got it.

That was easy.

I didn't even have to work at it.

I did it like two or three times.

I'm like, yes.

And then I do something that I think is going to be so easy.

Oh, my goodness.

I mean, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

He's just not getting it.

It doesn't matter if I try to approach the conversation kindly or gingerly or whatever

it is.

Nope.

Right over the head it goes.

I'm like, I've been consistent for months upon months and I'm not talking just two or

three months.

I'm talking nine to 12 to 18 months.

Yes.

And then finally it's like, oh, and the angel sing, right?

And you're like, yes.

Starts with one and finishes with two.

So it can happen.

But you have to be deliberate.

You have to be intentional.

So what does that look like in real life?

To love deeper than the ocean number one lean into listening, not fixing guys.

If you're listening, listen to this number one right here.

Okay.

This is it because we don't want you to fix us.

We want you to listen to us as many times as we want to tell the story.

Okay.

That's my sidebar.

Now, back to the normal.

Lean into the listening, not the fixing.

When discomfort strikes, the natural reaction is to jump in with solutions, to jump

with that advice or even your defenses, right?

But forging a true emotional tether demands something different.

It requires full undistracted listening.

You're all in.

You're locked on.

Let your partner's words wash over you without planning your a battle or trying to

fix things.

In other words, let them talk and don't already start, hmm, I got a dissertation already

in my head.

You should be quiet.

Oh, wait.

No, no, no.

I'm not going to, I'm just going to interrupt him.

Don't be quiet.

Listen more than you speak.

And in those moments, you communicate that their feelings matter more than the outcome.

Listen to understand that heart.

That's what you want to hear.

There's something else besides just those words that are coming out.

And you may have to ask a few questions, but at first just let them talk.

And then listen to understand the heart behind the complaint or the disagreement.

And then you'll discover truths about your partner and yourself that you never expected.

You'll be like, wow, I didn't see that coming.

And then take it to a reflection time.

You'll be like, hmm, if that happened and he said this or she said that, I need to look

at this a little bit differently or wait, I didn't see that coming.

This opens up a totally different door.

Lean into listening.

Number two, embrace vulnerability over victory.

And that's a tongue twister.

Say that five times and you'll remember it.

Embrace vulnerability over victory too often.

Arguments become contests to prove who's right.

Okay, we just went to a church service so everybody should be saying amen here seriously.

Right?

The arguments are all about, it's all about me, it's all about me.

I want to be right and I'm going to fight to the bitter end.

I want to be right too.

No, I'm telling you, I want to be right.

And my husband wants to be right, but guess what?

He's more non-confrontational.

So he's going to just do everything he can to be right without having any form of confrontation.

So basically, I can sit here and out talk him and he's just going to give up because

he doesn't want to keep going.

And it's like, aha, who won?

It's truly neither of us did because we didn't solve any problems.

Right?

Having somebody who's willing to go to the mat full out and someone else who's like, yeah,

I'm not really interested.

I really don't want to deal with confrontation.

Does not make a good match, honestly.

And so we both have had to learn.

I need you to speak up.

I need you to tell me what you're feeling.

And I need to, well, calm down a little bit because I get a little bit passionate and

it's not like I'm loud as in I mean or anything like that.

It's if I have an opinion, you're going to feel the opinion, not just hear the opinion,

you know what I'm saying?

Okay, that's the passion kick behind me.

So I've had to learn that.

He understands that.

So he understands too that if I'm getting loud and we're really not in an argument, I'm

just telling him and sharing some things with him.

Sometimes he actually can think of my volume as being like an attack.

And really it's like, no, I'm invested in this.

Like, I'm all in, I believe in this or whatever it is, okay?

Think about that.

Think about your marriage.

What do your conversations sound like, right?

Because too often it's just all about, I want to be right.

But tethered hearts aren't about winning, they're about showing up authentically, right?

Being real, even when it feels risky.

So be brave enough to share your fears, doubts and pain and midst the discomfort.

You got to be willing, okay?

So you may not like confrontation, but you still have to be willing to share.

So buck it up, Buttercup.

That's what I like to say.

Put on your big girl panties or your tidy whiteies, whatever it is and share.

Vulnerability is the bridge built with sweat and courage.

Cross it together and you break down walls that keep you isolated.

Truly.

And when you can reveal your true self without fear of judgment.

And by the way, when you're sharing it, if you are the other person who's receiving it,

stop the judgment, okay?

You got to love unconditionally, you got to listen unconditionally.

Because that's as much a detriment to the marriage as is on the reverse side of somebody

not wanting to share, okay?

Hear me out here.

So when you can reveal your true self without fear of judgment, the bond you share strengthens

and deepens.

That ocean gets deeper and wider.

The beauty begins to show itself.

So embrace vulnerability over victory.

And finally number three, prioritize connection over convenience.

If there's challenges like the work stress, the family demands, the bills and finances,

the schedules that just don't stop the activities that you keep signing the kids up for or you're

like, nope, I'm just going to keep going, right?

It's easy to get tangled in all the stuff, all the things.

And we lose sight of the relationships foundation, right?

Where's the marriage?

Like is it not even there?

You just kind of like two ships passing in the night?

Is there even a marriage or is it more like, yeah, we're just sleeping in the same room,

but we don't really don't do anything, you know?

Some people have the terminology friends with benefits.

I don't like that terminology, okay?

But a lot of people understand it when I say it as an example, okay?

Where's your marriage in all of this, right?

Prioritize connection over convenience.

To tether yourself to your partner's heart.

You must prioritize your connection with intention deliberately.

You have to say, I'm choosing to do this.

And that means carving out moments to be fully present, not scrolling, not watching the

Olympics as much as I like to watch my curling, as much as I like to watch the big air and

all of these things.

And the women's Bob said, I mean, all of it, I love all of it.

But if my husband's going to tell me something, and this is even goes for when you're talking

on the phone, believe it or not, when you're talking on the phone, okay, because I talk

on the phone a lot, you can hear, if you're truly listening, you can hear the distractions.

Yeah, did you hear me?

You can hear the distractions, not as in the TV.

You can't hear scrolling, but you listen to how they're speaking.

Yeah, uh-huh.

You'll know something else is going on.

That my friend is a good sign that you're listening, okay?

If you're not listening to that and you can't figure out what's going on, besides the words

that are being said, we got to dive a little bit deeper when it comes to listening, seriously.

I mean, that is a big red flag.

And a lot of people are just like, oh, you know, I'm just hearing what I hear.

No, you've got to listen to more.

There's so many things that you can hear.

And that's when you're fully present.

That's what I talk about.

And what I mean when I say presence, you're all in, right?

When my granddaughter's talking to me and she wants me to play, this has been a big thing

lately.

Let it go, right?

With frozen.

Let it go, grandma, grandma.

Let it go.

And she's not telling me to let it go.

She wants me to play it on my phone.

And so I pull it up and then she's starting to learn to sing.

It is so cute.

It is adorable.

And my heart just sings.

I mean, it just melts me.

It is just the most precious thing ever.

And we're getting more and more phrases from the song.

And she also likes it in summertime.

And so at the very end, you know, all of the singing in summer, you know, it goes on

that.

Well, she does that too.

And she raises up her voice and kind of shakes her head a little bit.

It is precious.

Now, let me tell you, there is a lot that's being said when she looks at me and says, let

it go, grandma, let it go, sit down, grandma, let it go.

You can't put every single word together right to make it fully understandable as in

how we would talk to each other, being older when we're four or five, six years old on

up to now, or a hundred years old, whatever it is.

But her intentionality is there.

And if you listen, you could read between the lines.

You can see where her intentionality is that she wants to sing.

And I mean, when I say she wants to sing it, we go over and over and over with like twenty

times within an hour to two hour period.

We'll be doing Plato, we'll be reading books, but we're still singing to our hearts content

with let it go when it comes on.

We've got to get it out there.

And it's precious.

Right?

You see, that's what's precious about your marriage.

If you're listening, if you're tuning in, if you're fully present.

Don't miss what's right in front of you, my friend.

Seriously.

Because otherwise, you're going to have to learn to let it go.

Okay, and I'm fun frozen, but seriously, carve out those moments, right?

Be fully present, be all in, engage in those rituals, engage in those moments that remind

you both of why you chose each other, and then hold steady during those rough patches

instead of retreating or tuning out.

If you're one of those non-confrontational persons, okay, I get it.

I understand.

But be present anyway.

You don't have to respond, but you can listen, okay?

There's a big difference.

And I think a lot of people think that, oh, well, I can't really do this.

I don't know how to do it.

It doesn't make sense for me to do it.

No, you can do it.

Connection requires fuel.

Don't let it run on fumes.

My friend, love with tethered hearts isn't born from ease.

If marriage was easy, everybody in the world would be married.

There would be no divorce attorneys.

There would be no separation.

We would need nothing in the laws that would kind of break things down.

No, no, but see relationships are hard.

But that's why God created us.

We get to choose.

He gave us free will, and that includes our marriage.

Now, understand this, too.

If you're in an abusive marriage, I'm not talking to you on this one, okay?

Because there's a lot of other things that have to get right before you even get to this

part.

But you can use a little bit of this in all your relationships, just not in your abusive

ones, okay?

Just understand that, please.

And I would also add that if you are in an abusive relationship, please go get help.

Okay, you do not need to live where you're being emotionally abused, spiritually abused,

psychologically abused, physically abused, get help, please.

Contact someone.

If you go to a church, talk to somebody within their church that you trust, and say,

I need some help, I need guidance, contact, even if you're like, I have no idea, we moved

recently, whatever it is, contact your local Chamber of Commerce, contact your physician's

office, and say, I don't even know where to begin.

But make those phone calls where you're in a safe place, okay?

It's very important.

Or if you need to go borrow a phone, go borrow a neighbor's phone, or borrow your friend's

phone or whatever, and make those phone calls from there, if you're concerned that your

abuser is actually watching your phone, okay?

We got to take this seriously, because unfortunately these things do exist.

And so I don't ever want to gloss over that ever, all right?

But I also want you to know too that you're not alone.

I pray for you every single day.

I don't know what you're going through, but I know God does.

And I pray that every single episode that goes out and whatever hits your ears, you hear

what you are supposed to hear, not what I'm supposed to tell you, what you're supposed

to hear.

And I know God takes care of that.

That's not my doing.

And I'm grateful for that.

So when you're looking at love with tethered hearts, it's not born from ease.

But remember, it is forged in the heat of challenge and discomfort.

When you commit to listening deeply, when you embrace that vulnerability, all right,

you want to go deeper, and you prioritize your connection over convenience, that's when

you unlock this depth in your marriage, a few couples dare to reach.

Because they're just like all about everything else.

And honestly, they're probably about everybody else's business, but their own.

Your mission, firsthand mission, is with your own four walls.

That's where your mission resides first and foremost.

You get that?

When you're taking care of, then you can start reaching out further, but it's important

to understand within the privacy of our own four walls, what's going on.

But when you look at that and you want that depth in that marriage, that's when it becomes

a sanctuary where love isn't just an emotion anymore, right?

Remember love is a verb.

It's an action verb.

It requires us to take action on it, or like I like to say, take aim, actually it makes

motivation.

But love isn't just that emotion that we try to kind of like feel and like Valentine's

day and all that does that.

It's a month of February, right?

We're all kind of stuck in Valentine's Day mode.

But love is a resilient force that holds you both steady, no matter what life throws

away.

And I'm sure you're saying I want that kind of love.

I would like to grow deeper.

I want to love that's deeper and wider as an ocean, then start welcoming discomfort.

Because the unpolished chance to grow together, not the threat that pulls you apart, the deeper

your tether, the more unbreakable your bond, go in peace, be present, be incredible, be

you.

I love you so very much.

I cannot wait to see you on the other side, blessing tugs and lots and lots of love.

We'll talk to you real soon.

Have a great blessed weekend.

Bye-bye.

If you're feeling inspired and ready to train for life and love your journey, visit

createyournow.com for more incredible resources to help you along the way.

We'll see you next time on Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie.

And remember, always be sure you consult your physician before beginning any health and

fitness plan.