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Episode 3987, hear the hurt behind the words.
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Mom's, it's time to rediscover, rejuvenate, and renew who you are in mind, body, and spirit.
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Welcome to Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie, the show that help you do just that.
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Here's your host, Certified Life Coach, Personal Trainer, and Nutritionist, Kristian Wargo.
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Happy every day, you made it to the weekend, yes, it's time to celebrate.
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Time's our schedules to get the best of us, and we forget that rest is a good thing.
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So I hope you have some rest scheduled for this weekend. Enjoy the sun, shine, man.
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I was enjoying it yesterday. I'm going to enjoy it today too, but it's all about love, right?
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Love and who you're sleeping with, who you're living with. What does it look like?
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Hear the hurt behind the words. For those of you who are brand-new to Create Your Now,
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welcome to this incredible family. I'm so delighted of your presence. If you are to
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get in to have the opportunity, you want to head on over to CreateYourNow.com,
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where you can learn more and design it for the Kisses newsletter.
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They keep its simple strategy, everyday solutions, to live, love, and impact,
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with this episode as brought to you by AIM, Inspiring Connection, and Community.
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You know, talking and marriage isn't always easy. Have you tried to say something to your spouse
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and all of a sudden you're like, you know, you're not, you're trying to like cover up.
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So all of a sudden you have a coughing fit, or you sneeze, or, you know, whatever it is.
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Okay? Maybe we don't put it on that much. Maybe you're a better actor than I am wonderful.
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But you see, we come to the conversation when we want to talk.
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You go to share what's on our hearts. It might be something good. It might be something bad.
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It might be something in between. But in all of it, we're hoping to be understood,
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right, and supported. No matter what it is on the spectrum.
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However, depending on your spouse's communication style, or mood, your words can land cold,
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or worse, cause unintended pain. Hear the hurt behind the words.
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You know, communication is the backbone of any marriage. So if you have a good marriage,
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bad marriage, communication is going to be an issue. No matter what, it's going to show up,
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and a lot of us don't want to talk about it. A fun, intended. So you didn't know I was going to
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be a little comedian today. But yes, we're going to try to be the actress and, you know,
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cough and pretend that I'm crying and sad at times. And then we're going to go in and be the
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comedian for you. Okay, no, I won't quit my day job. But sometimes we have to make things lighter
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than what they are. Because if we're honest, all right, let's be honest here.
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When we can't have a conversation with our spouse, it's disheartening.
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And it just adds up to things, so many things, negative, sometimes positive.
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But it's like, I got to go take a withdrawal because man, that just hurt, that's dumb.
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Are you even paying attention to me? Do you even know that I exist?
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Now, I know. You might just assume that it only matters when it's about fighting.
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Or there's these uncomfortable disagreements. We got to think about communication then.
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No, you don't. You need to be thinking about it all the time.
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It's important. Because communication is truly the key. I mean, think about it.
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Communication is connection. If you're not communicating, you're not connecting. There's a problem.
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And if you're like, I'm in love with you. But if you can't communicate, how can you be connected?
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So how can you be married? Okay, maybe you only buy paper, but not my heart.
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Yeah, this is hard, isn't it? It is. And it's meant to stretch you. It's meant to make you think.
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Because you see, I want us to go down to the negative road right now. All about hurt.
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Because everybody takes things too personally. We can't even laugh about things.
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We take sports too. We politicize. I mean, everything is just politics here, politics there.
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We're bringing politics into our marriage, really. Leave that at the voting booth.
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Now, I'm not saying you can't have those discussions, but here, what does that require communication?
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You see my issue? Which means it's your issue too.
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We just got to be frank about this because we are growing up and living in a very selfish society.
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And if you're not one who comes from it from the angle of, I want to be different.
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I'm telling you, right now, you will blend in and you will become more selfish than selfless.
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Because you're not paying attention. You think I'm over that. I'm good.
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It's easy for me to become selfish than it is for me to be selfless.
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Now, I will say, I work really, really hard to be 98.9% selfless.
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But I still have over 1%, a grand almost 2% of selfishness. And that's for all of us.
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Now, that's probably a stretch, okay? We're not grading each other here.
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But again, humor me, okay? Because if not, you're going to turn this off in your
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sacred stand. I don't want to hear this anymore. I'm tired about people talking about communication.
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Well, if you're tired about it, then do you have it totally nailed in your marriage?
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Do you know how to communicate? Do you actually know what your spouse is saying when you have a
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conversation? Because I want to go on that negative side. Not where you feel good and everything's
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great, but the hurt, the pain. When it shows up in marriage and it far too often does.
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And sometimes it shows up in ways we don't even recognize it, right?
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What do you do? What's your response to your spouse? A tone, a pause, or a simple phrase can
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carry layers of unspoken pain. And ignoring it doesn't help. It only builds the distance.
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Think about it. Think about the tone. If you're having a conversation, your tone is like,
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yeah, whatever. You told me that last week. You haven't changed it. I mean, come on.
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Does that sound very endearing? Does that sound like I really care or just, you're kind of
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wasting my time right now. I really want to get to whatever else I was doing before you came
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into the room and interrupted me. Okay, now it may not have been any bad words that you said,
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but that tone was there. Gotta watch it. And I'm telling you right now, women, we are good at
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their tone. We are. And that's a good thing, by the way. It's a very positive trait to have,
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but it can be very negative. And it can totally just, oh my goodness, it can destroy your marriage.
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You gotta listen to yourself. And that doesn't mean you have to become a podcaster like me, okay?
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Do you think I listened to myself? No, I do hear myself talk a lot. And I do go back and I
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listen to myself, but I don't listen to myself. I did when I was going through the ranks as in
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learning my voice, understanding performance techniques, all of that. I did all of that work.
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I'm not saying you have to do that, but I want you to be aware. And if you've never been aware,
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become hyper aware because it is that important for you to jump in to be all in with this. What about
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breaths? And you're like, breaths, I just breathe. No, you don't.
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Right? That little pause up there on the top and then the let down of,
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and it's not just that, right? You probably shrug your shoulders to or roll your eyes or you do
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something else or maybe just like turn your head to the other side. All of that says something. Yes,
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it does. And I know we don't want to think about this because it's like, I just shouldn't have to
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think about it. No, you're right. Wouldn't it be nice in our world if we were perfect? No,
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it wouldn't be. There'd be no room for growth. We'd have nothing to look forward to.
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Oddly enough, I look forward to my spouse's quirks all the time. And guess what? We're in such a great
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part of our relationship that I can kind of pick on him and he can pick on me about our quirks.
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We do it back and forth, but it doesn't bring up the hurt and pain anymore. Why? Because we did
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this work before. So bear with me. I want your marriage to have a strong foundation. So think
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about the tone because you're good at it. Think about the breath. Yes, this or maybe you're like,
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whatever it is, right? That all says something. Maybe you're not breathing at all and you're just
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kind of breathing normal. And that says something too. What about your phrases that you frequently use?
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What do you say over and over again? I got it. Got you, babe. Love you too.
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But what's the meaning behind that? You know, what does that really do?
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What does it even mean? Maybe at first it wasn't that big of a deal and it actually meant something.
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Right? That's okay. That's a good thing. But now it's like, you use it like it's a habit because
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you don't have to think about it. That's the problem. If you're not thinking, are you really
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communicating? Oh, did you hear my breath there? The pause? The tone? My thumbs?
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See what I mean? All of these little things, even an um in there. What about the place?
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Where do you normally have harder conversations? Is it in the shower? I know TMI, but let's be real.
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Come on. If you want to have a better marriage, we got to get real. Is it in bed? After the fact
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of intimacy? Before intimacy? I mean, if you're thinking about it, is it before you know,
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you kind of say, oh, this is good. This has been good. And then now, okay, I'm going to lay this on
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them. And I want to see what he thinks about it because, man, it was a really hard week.
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Or whatever it is. Is that what happens in the place or is it in the kitchen where everybody can
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hear it, including your children and your puppy dogs? Is it in the middle of you doing your laundry?
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What is it? Is it at the dinner table? Think about the place. What about the interruptions?
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Are you having these harder conversations when your kiddos are awake? Or when you have company
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over? And if you are doing that, why? There's a lot of reasons why we do what we do, but we never
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take time to figure out why we do what we do. And there actually might be a better way.
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Now, I'm not going to tell you there's only one way to talk and one way to have a conversation
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with your spouse because there's not. There's thousands of different ways.
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But you've got to know your voice so you can know and speak to the heart.
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Did you hear that? Listen again. You got to know your voice so you can speak to the heart.
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Your spouse is heart. The one that you said, I'm going from eye to we.
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I do because I want it to be we do. I want us to do things together.
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But if you can't connect in communication, how can you move forward?
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It's hard. How can you be better?
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So what does it look like? How do you move beyond the hurt that's within those words?
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Well, you've got to build a stronger bridge.
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That is your kiss to keep a simple strategy. Build a stronger bridge.
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Because as you know, a bridge allows you to get from one side to the other.
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It allows you to walk over things that you may not want to touch.
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Because that's okay. Sometimes that's not the appropriate time to have those conversations
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or to bring it up. Maybe you need to keep one thing a priority before you deal with the two or
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three other things that need to be looked at. So think about building a bridge where the two of you
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can come together. And if you have that in your mind, maybe you can better understand
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what your pause is in your breaths and your tone and the phrases that you use, everything,
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even the place that you have it, how that really does make an impact in your communication
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and your connection with your spouse. Well, let's look at it in real life. Number one,
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look for the emotion underneath the message. Words are just a surface.
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All right, they're, they just kind of think of it as cocking. I don't know why I thought of that.
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It's probably because I'm working on my house. Think of it as cocking, right? You're putting up trim
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and the trim looks great. It's beautiful, but it doesn't look finished until what?
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You fill in those little cracks because there's going to be a separation between that wood
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and the wall, but the cocking fills it in, right? Think of your words filling it in.
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Right? They're just surface level though. You got to go deeper. Right? Because what's brewing
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beneath it might be fear, frustration, disappointment, loneliness, or even exhaustion.
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There might be a little sprinkles of love in there and it would gooey eyes, but a lot of times
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it's more negative than it is positive. So instead of focusing solely on what was said, tune
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into how it was said. Is your spouse's voice tight or shaky? Do their eyes avoid yours?
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Body language tells you a lot, right? And the tone is a dead giveaway that
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where are these emotional undercurrents going? Are we off to the moon and something is
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like drastic and I need to prepare for, you know, an all out war here in two seconds?
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Right? You know what I'm talking about? Because you've had those conversations.
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Where's it? One where it's like, you know what? No, I just need to lean in more and maybe
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I just need to give a hug and not say anything at all. When you pick up on those kind of things,
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you acknowledge their pain even if it's not expressed directly. So look for the emotion
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underneath the message. Number two, ask open non-defensive questions. When hurt hides behind words,
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assumptions kill clarity. So don't make assumptions. That's basically at the end.
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Instead of jumping to conclusions, right, or getting defensive, slow down and invite your spouse
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to open up. Simple questions like, babe, that really does sound tough. What's really going on
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with you? Or maybe I want to understand what you're feeling. Tell me more. But you can't say,
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I want to understand what you're feeling. Tell me more. Do you see the difference?
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Right? That's why you have to take into account your tone, your phrasing, what you're doing.
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Is it work? Yes it is, but is your marriage worth it? Yes it is.
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This will help shift the conversation from blame to connection because you could communicate.
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Right? You know your voice and you could connect to the heart.
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You're signaling, you're on their side, ready to listen without judgment. Let me tell you,
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there's enough judgment out in the world. And remember, if we're in a world that's more
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self-ish than self-less, then they've already been struck out before they even came to you to talk
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to you. You are their safe place. Be that for them. Okay, that's important. And we're not told
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that enough. We need to be our safe place for our spouse. And if not, we've got bigger problems
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in your marriage. Seriously. If you're like, I don't know that I can do that, Christine. Like I said,
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then we have bigger problems. And I'm being serious. I'm not just kind of like throwing that up.
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Like it's not a big deal. This is not comedy time right now. This is me being honest and frank with
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you because your marriage matters, because your family matters. What happens within the privacy of
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your own four walls is the most important thing. Next to your Heavenly Father. So we got to bucket up.
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We got to figure out what's going on. Well, you've got to understand it because let me tell you,
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nobody else is going to want to. And honestly, that's what you signed up for when you said, I do
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and made it we do. And finally, number three, validate the feeling, not just the facts. Hearing
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hurt doesn't mean you have to fix or agree immediately. It means acknowledging the feeling as real
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and important. That doesn't mean that you would act the same way, right? So don't make this about you.
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You hear what I'm going with this, right? That selfish, not selfless.
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Right? Your feelings may not be hurt in the same situation, but this is not your situation. This is
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your spouse's situation. So look at what they are going through, not what you're going through.
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Saying, I can hear your upset and that really does matter to me.
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Those are a long way to softening defenses and making your spouse feel safe. Right? You
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got to have that safe space. And when people feel seen emotionally, even in difficult conversations,
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those difficult conversations then lose their sharp edges and open the door to real problem solving.
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You see it's not just about, oh my goodness, this is life shattering. And then you're like, now
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what are we supposed to do? How do we figure this out? Because now we're all caught up in the feelings.
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Instead, we're honoring the feelings and then we can get to the facts eventually and gain more
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clarity to the problem solving, keeping both of you connected. Oh, are you exhausted yet? I know.
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It's hard work. It is. But I'm telling you, your marriage is worth it. So you may need to play
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this one. This is a lot here. You may need to play this episode two or three or four times.
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And not all of it. Just do little bits of it. Say, okay, how would I apply this? She said this.
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Go right down a couple of the phrases. Right? Validate the feeling, not the facts.
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That's important. Feelings over facts. Not all ways. You have to see the facts too because it
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goes hand in hand, but you have to figure out when is it most important? And when there's hurt
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involved, you've got to honor those feelings. Okay? It's hard. I know. You're like, don't give me
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a quiz, Kristian. I won't because I don't like quizzes. That's a promise. All right. See, we have
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to keep the comedian thing going here on this fun weekend. Guess why? Because today is the last day
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in February. Yeah. Are you excited about it? Get excited. You should be. But seriously, marriage is
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messy. It is. And you know why? Because it deals with our lost selves, our fears, our vulnerabilities,
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and even our unmet needs, the words your spouse speaks, their clues. They're not the whole
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story. And by learning to hear the hurt behind the words, you build a stronger bridge to
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understanding and grow closer even through the hardest talks. Even through the stuff that no one
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wants to talk about, even through the stuff that you thought and never imagined you would ever have
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to have a conversation about, but there you are. You're having a conversation. And let me tell you,
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some of those conversations may not deal directly with you as an individual, but it's still impacture
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life, right? It may deal with your kids. It may deal with your puppy dog. All right. We just had a
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situation where we had to say goodbye to our puppy dog of 12 and a half years, little rhino.
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I talked about it. I don't know. It's been now. Oh, it just feels like it was yesterday, honestly.
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But that was a hard conversation I had to have. And it started with my husband. Now, I talked to
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all the kids, but it had to start with him. I wanted him to know where I stood, what I was looking
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at because ultimately everybody was looking at mama to make the decision. And so it didn't deal directly
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with either of us, but it dealt with all of us. So it's important to have that communication,
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right? And you've got to pay attention to it. Don't just assume, I got this and let your guard down
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and let me give you a bonus tip here. If you're too tired, don't you dare talk about something
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that's life changing. Like if you think you're going to change your job, career, you want to sell
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your house, you want to buy a new car, those are not the right times to have the conversations.
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I don't bring it up when you're exhausted. Don't bring it up if you haven't had enough sleep or
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if you're just coming off of an illness, unless there are time constraints, that would be the only,
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you know, absolute, okay, you can have that conversation. But otherwise, give yourself that time
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and space to feel better, to be rested so you can come together and have that hard conversation.
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Also, prep each other for it, right? You can say, babe, I really want to talk to you about
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something and let me know what it is. Probably going to, you know, it's going to be, you know,
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a little in depth and I don't know where it's going to go, but I just, I need your full attention.
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When would be the best time? Sometimes you have to schedule the communication, the talks,
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in order to have the connection. And that's okay too. Don't think that everything in marriage
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should be spontaneous, okay? You're no longer having your honeymoon here, okay? You're not. So,
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this isn't about, ooh, this is what we get to look forward to. No, this is called real life,
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welcome to the real world and understand that we all have lives and there's a lot going on and
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so you have to figure it out, all right? But I'm here to remind you and to tell you it can be done
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and you can do it successfully, all right? And that's why I wanted to have a little bit of laughter
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in this. That's why I wanted you to know that you can get to the other side, build that bridge,
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right? So the next time you fill a disconnect in your conversation, don't just listen, hear the hurt,
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know what they're saying deeper, right? Know what's behind those words because that's where the
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healing and connection begin. Go on peace, be present, be incredible, be you. I love you so very
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much. I cannot wait to see you on the other side. Blessing's hugs and lots and lots of love.
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We'll talk to you real soon. Have a glorious blessed day. Bye-bye.
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To help you along the way, we'll see you next time on Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie.
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And remember, always be sure you consult your physician before beginning any health and fitness plan.