Episode 3987, hear the hurt behind the words.

Mom's, it's time to rediscover, rejuvenate, and renew who you are in mind, body, and spirit.

Welcome to Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie, the show that help you do just that.

Here's your host, Certified Life Coach, Personal Trainer, and Nutritionist, Kristian Wargo.

Happy every day, you made it to the weekend, yes, it's time to celebrate.

Time's our schedules to get the best of us, and we forget that rest is a good thing.

So I hope you have some rest scheduled for this weekend. Enjoy the sun, shine, man.

I was enjoying it yesterday. I'm going to enjoy it today too, but it's all about love, right?

Love and who you're sleeping with, who you're living with. What does it look like?

Hear the hurt behind the words. For those of you who are brand-new to Create Your Now,

welcome to this incredible family. I'm so delighted of your presence. If you are to

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You know, talking and marriage isn't always easy. Have you tried to say something to your spouse

and all of a sudden you're like, you know, you're not, you're trying to like cover up.

So all of a sudden you have a coughing fit, or you sneeze, or, you know, whatever it is.

Okay? Maybe we don't put it on that much. Maybe you're a better actor than I am wonderful.

But you see, we come to the conversation when we want to talk.

You go to share what's on our hearts. It might be something good. It might be something bad.

It might be something in between. But in all of it, we're hoping to be understood,

right, and supported. No matter what it is on the spectrum.

However, depending on your spouse's communication style, or mood, your words can land cold,

or worse, cause unintended pain. Hear the hurt behind the words.

You know, communication is the backbone of any marriage. So if you have a good marriage,

bad marriage, communication is going to be an issue. No matter what, it's going to show up,

and a lot of us don't want to talk about it. A fun, intended. So you didn't know I was going to

be a little comedian today. But yes, we're going to try to be the actress and, you know,

cough and pretend that I'm crying and sad at times. And then we're going to go in and be the

comedian for you. Okay, no, I won't quit my day job. But sometimes we have to make things lighter

than what they are. Because if we're honest, all right, let's be honest here.

When we can't have a conversation with our spouse, it's disheartening.

And it just adds up to things, so many things, negative, sometimes positive.

But it's like, I got to go take a withdrawal because man, that just hurt, that's dumb.

Are you even paying attention to me? Do you even know that I exist?

Now, I know. You might just assume that it only matters when it's about fighting.

Or there's these uncomfortable disagreements. We got to think about communication then.

No, you don't. You need to be thinking about it all the time.

It's important. Because communication is truly the key. I mean, think about it.

Communication is connection. If you're not communicating, you're not connecting. There's a problem.

And if you're like, I'm in love with you. But if you can't communicate, how can you be connected?

So how can you be married? Okay, maybe you only buy paper, but not my heart.

Yeah, this is hard, isn't it? It is. And it's meant to stretch you. It's meant to make you think.

Because you see, I want us to go down to the negative road right now. All about hurt.

Because everybody takes things too personally. We can't even laugh about things.

We take sports too. We politicize. I mean, everything is just politics here, politics there.

We're bringing politics into our marriage, really. Leave that at the voting booth.

Now, I'm not saying you can't have those discussions, but here, what does that require communication?

You see my issue? Which means it's your issue too.

We just got to be frank about this because we are growing up and living in a very selfish society.

And if you're not one who comes from it from the angle of, I want to be different.

I'm telling you, right now, you will blend in and you will become more selfish than selfless.

Because you're not paying attention. You think I'm over that. I'm good.

It's easy for me to become selfish than it is for me to be selfless.

Now, I will say, I work really, really hard to be 98.9% selfless.

But I still have over 1%, a grand almost 2% of selfishness. And that's for all of us.

Now, that's probably a stretch, okay? We're not grading each other here.

But again, humor me, okay? Because if not, you're going to turn this off in your

sacred stand. I don't want to hear this anymore. I'm tired about people talking about communication.

Well, if you're tired about it, then do you have it totally nailed in your marriage?

Do you know how to communicate? Do you actually know what your spouse is saying when you have a

conversation? Because I want to go on that negative side. Not where you feel good and everything's

great, but the hurt, the pain. When it shows up in marriage and it far too often does.

And sometimes it shows up in ways we don't even recognize it, right?

What do you do? What's your response to your spouse? A tone, a pause, or a simple phrase can

carry layers of unspoken pain. And ignoring it doesn't help. It only builds the distance.

Think about it. Think about the tone. If you're having a conversation, your tone is like,

yeah, whatever. You told me that last week. You haven't changed it. I mean, come on.

Does that sound very endearing? Does that sound like I really care or just, you're kind of

wasting my time right now. I really want to get to whatever else I was doing before you came

into the room and interrupted me. Okay, now it may not have been any bad words that you said,

but that tone was there. Gotta watch it. And I'm telling you right now, women, we are good at

their tone. We are. And that's a good thing, by the way. It's a very positive trait to have,

but it can be very negative. And it can totally just, oh my goodness, it can destroy your marriage.

You gotta listen to yourself. And that doesn't mean you have to become a podcaster like me, okay?

Do you think I listened to myself? No, I do hear myself talk a lot. And I do go back and I

listen to myself, but I don't listen to myself. I did when I was going through the ranks as in

learning my voice, understanding performance techniques, all of that. I did all of that work.

I'm not saying you have to do that, but I want you to be aware. And if you've never been aware,

become hyper aware because it is that important for you to jump in to be all in with this. What about

breaths? And you're like, breaths, I just breathe. No, you don't.

Right? That little pause up there on the top and then the let down of,

and it's not just that, right? You probably shrug your shoulders to or roll your eyes or you do

something else or maybe just like turn your head to the other side. All of that says something. Yes,

it does. And I know we don't want to think about this because it's like, I just shouldn't have to

think about it. No, you're right. Wouldn't it be nice in our world if we were perfect? No,

it wouldn't be. There'd be no room for growth. We'd have nothing to look forward to.

Oddly enough, I look forward to my spouse's quirks all the time. And guess what? We're in such a great

part of our relationship that I can kind of pick on him and he can pick on me about our quirks.

We do it back and forth, but it doesn't bring up the hurt and pain anymore. Why? Because we did

this work before. So bear with me. I want your marriage to have a strong foundation. So think

about the tone because you're good at it. Think about the breath. Yes, this or maybe you're like,

whatever it is, right? That all says something. Maybe you're not breathing at all and you're just

kind of breathing normal. And that says something too. What about your phrases that you frequently use?

What do you say over and over again? I got it. Got you, babe. Love you too.

But what's the meaning behind that? You know, what does that really do?

What does it even mean? Maybe at first it wasn't that big of a deal and it actually meant something.

Right? That's okay. That's a good thing. But now it's like, you use it like it's a habit because

you don't have to think about it. That's the problem. If you're not thinking, are you really

communicating? Oh, did you hear my breath there? The pause? The tone? My thumbs?

See what I mean? All of these little things, even an um in there. What about the place?

Where do you normally have harder conversations? Is it in the shower? I know TMI, but let's be real.

Come on. If you want to have a better marriage, we got to get real. Is it in bed? After the fact

of intimacy? Before intimacy? I mean, if you're thinking about it, is it before you know,

you kind of say, oh, this is good. This has been good. And then now, okay, I'm going to lay this on

them. And I want to see what he thinks about it because, man, it was a really hard week.

Or whatever it is. Is that what happens in the place or is it in the kitchen where everybody can

hear it, including your children and your puppy dogs? Is it in the middle of you doing your laundry?

What is it? Is it at the dinner table? Think about the place. What about the interruptions?

Are you having these harder conversations when your kiddos are awake? Or when you have company

over? And if you are doing that, why? There's a lot of reasons why we do what we do, but we never

take time to figure out why we do what we do. And there actually might be a better way.

Now, I'm not going to tell you there's only one way to talk and one way to have a conversation

with your spouse because there's not. There's thousands of different ways.

But you've got to know your voice so you can know and speak to the heart.

Did you hear that? Listen again. You got to know your voice so you can speak to the heart.

Your spouse is heart. The one that you said, I'm going from eye to we.

I do because I want it to be we do. I want us to do things together.

But if you can't connect in communication, how can you move forward?

It's hard. How can you be better?

So what does it look like? How do you move beyond the hurt that's within those words?

Well, you've got to build a stronger bridge.

That is your kiss to keep a simple strategy. Build a stronger bridge.

Because as you know, a bridge allows you to get from one side to the other.

It allows you to walk over things that you may not want to touch.

Because that's okay. Sometimes that's not the appropriate time to have those conversations

or to bring it up. Maybe you need to keep one thing a priority before you deal with the two or

three other things that need to be looked at. So think about building a bridge where the two of you

can come together. And if you have that in your mind, maybe you can better understand

what your pause is in your breaths and your tone and the phrases that you use, everything,

even the place that you have it, how that really does make an impact in your communication

and your connection with your spouse. Well, let's look at it in real life. Number one,

look for the emotion underneath the message. Words are just a surface.

All right, they're, they just kind of think of it as cocking. I don't know why I thought of that.

It's probably because I'm working on my house. Think of it as cocking, right? You're putting up trim

and the trim looks great. It's beautiful, but it doesn't look finished until what?

You fill in those little cracks because there's going to be a separation between that wood

and the wall, but the cocking fills it in, right? Think of your words filling it in.

Right? They're just surface level though. You got to go deeper. Right? Because what's brewing

beneath it might be fear, frustration, disappointment, loneliness, or even exhaustion.

There might be a little sprinkles of love in there and it would gooey eyes, but a lot of times

it's more negative than it is positive. So instead of focusing solely on what was said, tune

into how it was said. Is your spouse's voice tight or shaky? Do their eyes avoid yours?

Body language tells you a lot, right? And the tone is a dead giveaway that

where are these emotional undercurrents going? Are we off to the moon and something is

like drastic and I need to prepare for, you know, an all out war here in two seconds?

Right? You know what I'm talking about? Because you've had those conversations.

Where's it? One where it's like, you know what? No, I just need to lean in more and maybe

I just need to give a hug and not say anything at all. When you pick up on those kind of things,

you acknowledge their pain even if it's not expressed directly. So look for the emotion

underneath the message. Number two, ask open non-defensive questions. When hurt hides behind words,

assumptions kill clarity. So don't make assumptions. That's basically at the end.

Instead of jumping to conclusions, right, or getting defensive, slow down and invite your spouse

to open up. Simple questions like, babe, that really does sound tough. What's really going on

with you? Or maybe I want to understand what you're feeling. Tell me more. But you can't say,

I want to understand what you're feeling. Tell me more. Do you see the difference?

Right? That's why you have to take into account your tone, your phrasing, what you're doing.

Is it work? Yes it is, but is your marriage worth it? Yes it is.

This will help shift the conversation from blame to connection because you could communicate.

Right? You know your voice and you could connect to the heart.

You're signaling, you're on their side, ready to listen without judgment. Let me tell you,

there's enough judgment out in the world. And remember, if we're in a world that's more

self-ish than self-less, then they've already been struck out before they even came to you to talk

to you. You are their safe place. Be that for them. Okay, that's important. And we're not told

that enough. We need to be our safe place for our spouse. And if not, we've got bigger problems

in your marriage. Seriously. If you're like, I don't know that I can do that, Christine. Like I said,

then we have bigger problems. And I'm being serious. I'm not just kind of like throwing that up.

Like it's not a big deal. This is not comedy time right now. This is me being honest and frank with

you because your marriage matters, because your family matters. What happens within the privacy of

your own four walls is the most important thing. Next to your Heavenly Father. So we got to bucket up.

We got to figure out what's going on. Well, you've got to understand it because let me tell you,

nobody else is going to want to. And honestly, that's what you signed up for when you said, I do

and made it we do. And finally, number three, validate the feeling, not just the facts. Hearing

hurt doesn't mean you have to fix or agree immediately. It means acknowledging the feeling as real

and important. That doesn't mean that you would act the same way, right? So don't make this about you.

You hear what I'm going with this, right? That selfish, not selfless.

Right? Your feelings may not be hurt in the same situation, but this is not your situation. This is

your spouse's situation. So look at what they are going through, not what you're going through.

Saying, I can hear your upset and that really does matter to me.

Those are a long way to softening defenses and making your spouse feel safe. Right? You

got to have that safe space. And when people feel seen emotionally, even in difficult conversations,

those difficult conversations then lose their sharp edges and open the door to real problem solving.

You see it's not just about, oh my goodness, this is life shattering. And then you're like, now

what are we supposed to do? How do we figure this out? Because now we're all caught up in the feelings.

Instead, we're honoring the feelings and then we can get to the facts eventually and gain more

clarity to the problem solving, keeping both of you connected. Oh, are you exhausted yet? I know.

It's hard work. It is. But I'm telling you, your marriage is worth it. So you may need to play

this one. This is a lot here. You may need to play this episode two or three or four times.

And not all of it. Just do little bits of it. Say, okay, how would I apply this? She said this.

Go right down a couple of the phrases. Right? Validate the feeling, not the facts.

That's important. Feelings over facts. Not all ways. You have to see the facts too because it

goes hand in hand, but you have to figure out when is it most important? And when there's hurt

involved, you've got to honor those feelings. Okay? It's hard. I know. You're like, don't give me

a quiz, Kristian. I won't because I don't like quizzes. That's a promise. All right. See, we have

to keep the comedian thing going here on this fun weekend. Guess why? Because today is the last day

in February. Yeah. Are you excited about it? Get excited. You should be. But seriously, marriage is

messy. It is. And you know why? Because it deals with our lost selves, our fears, our vulnerabilities,

and even our unmet needs, the words your spouse speaks, their clues. They're not the whole

story. And by learning to hear the hurt behind the words, you build a stronger bridge to

understanding and grow closer even through the hardest talks. Even through the stuff that no one

wants to talk about, even through the stuff that you thought and never imagined you would ever have

to have a conversation about, but there you are. You're having a conversation. And let me tell you,

some of those conversations may not deal directly with you as an individual, but it's still impacture

life, right? It may deal with your kids. It may deal with your puppy dog. All right. We just had a

situation where we had to say goodbye to our puppy dog of 12 and a half years, little rhino.

I talked about it. I don't know. It's been now. Oh, it just feels like it was yesterday, honestly.

But that was a hard conversation I had to have. And it started with my husband. Now, I talked to

all the kids, but it had to start with him. I wanted him to know where I stood, what I was looking

at because ultimately everybody was looking at mama to make the decision. And so it didn't deal directly

with either of us, but it dealt with all of us. So it's important to have that communication,

right? And you've got to pay attention to it. Don't just assume, I got this and let your guard down

and let me give you a bonus tip here. If you're too tired, don't you dare talk about something

that's life changing. Like if you think you're going to change your job, career, you want to sell

your house, you want to buy a new car, those are not the right times to have the conversations.

I don't bring it up when you're exhausted. Don't bring it up if you haven't had enough sleep or

if you're just coming off of an illness, unless there are time constraints, that would be the only,

you know, absolute, okay, you can have that conversation. But otherwise, give yourself that time

and space to feel better, to be rested so you can come together and have that hard conversation.

Also, prep each other for it, right? You can say, babe, I really want to talk to you about

something and let me know what it is. Probably going to, you know, it's going to be, you know,

a little in depth and I don't know where it's going to go, but I just, I need your full attention.

When would be the best time? Sometimes you have to schedule the communication, the talks,

in order to have the connection. And that's okay too. Don't think that everything in marriage

should be spontaneous, okay? You're no longer having your honeymoon here, okay? You're not. So,

this isn't about, ooh, this is what we get to look forward to. No, this is called real life,

welcome to the real world and understand that we all have lives and there's a lot going on and

so you have to figure it out, all right? But I'm here to remind you and to tell you it can be done

and you can do it successfully, all right? And that's why I wanted to have a little bit of laughter

in this. That's why I wanted you to know that you can get to the other side, build that bridge,

right? So the next time you fill a disconnect in your conversation, don't just listen, hear the hurt,

know what they're saying deeper, right? Know what's behind those words because that's where the

healing and connection begin. Go on peace, be present, be incredible, be you. I love you so very

much. I cannot wait to see you on the other side. Blessing's hugs and lots and lots of love.

We'll talk to you real soon. Have a glorious blessed day. Bye-bye.

To help you along the way, we'll see you next time on Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie.

And remember, always be sure you consult your physician before beginning any health and fitness plan.