600: Your Family Member Might Be Alcoholic If They Do This

0:00I've been sober now almost 16 years off of drugs and alcohol. In this episode, I'm gonna be breaking down the top 10 signs and symptoms of alcoholism. I represented every single one of these, but I didn't know it at the time. My goal for this is to give you a framework, give you things that you can look out for. Whether it's for yourself or for a loved one, you're gonna understand what alcoholism truly looks like. And I'm also gonna give you resources on what you can do if you are an alcoholic or your loved one is an alcoholic. Enjoy the show. Okay, now alcoholism, it doesn't always look like the things that we see in the movies, all are hair disheveled and waking up in the morning, drinking first thing in the morning, maybe potentially being homeless, living in the streets. It generally starts quietly, it starts rather slowly. It progresses and I say this all the time. Alcoholism in and of itself is very slow and progressive until it's not.

1:01And then it becomes fast and aggressive. So we're gonna dive into these 10 signs and symptoms and I want you to really evaluate your situation or your loved one situation and see if any of these ring true. All right, here we go. Okay, so the first one is obviously going to be hiding alcohol. Now, obviously this is a tall tail sign of alcoholism. Now, I don't want you to look at this as like you're going to hide alcohol and say the back of the toilet and believe me, that's a real thing, people do that. You could be hiding alcohol in different ways. I know for me personally, I would make sure that I hid alcohol in areas that sometimes people would actually look and they would see it and I would be like, oh, yeah, I put that there a couple days ago or whatever the case is. And I would almost make it appear as if, yeah, that was something that don't you remember? And I have this like gaslighting approach.

2:02Hiding alcohol in and of itself is it's manipulative. It is, we're doing it because we don't want to get caught. Obviously. Now, if you're the type of person that is hiding alcohol, say behind the toilet and you pull the top off and there's the water in there, people hide bottles in there all the time or you're hiding it in your sock drawer or you're hiding it in, say, a jacket in your closet or underneath the seat of your car anywhere. If you are intentionally hiding alcohol, it's definitely something that you want to take a look at because if we're hiding alcohol, that means we don't want people knowing that we're drinking. But why don't we want people knowing that we're drinking? Chances are it's because we know that we have an issue that we're not really ready to address. The next one is going to be drinking really early. A lot of times I just use noon as the reference. If you're somebody that is finding it necessary to consume alcohol in the morning,

3:04it's definitely something that you want to look at because people in and of themselves, we don't wake up in the morning. Normal people don't wake up in the morning thinking to themselves, man, I really want to drink. But alcoholics are people that have a serious problem with alcohol. We're kind of excited to nip the bottle a little bit or to crack open a beer. So if that's you, if you're somebody that, you know, maybe you're drinking, we've all heard the song, it's five o'clock somewhere and believe me, a lot of people drink when they get off of work and I'm not talking to you. But if you're somebody that it was five o'clock at some point, that's when I would start drinking, but it progressively got earlier and earlier. Oh, today it's three, but that's close enough. I'm gonna start drinking it three. But then you find yourself just earlier and earlier, finding that urge to consume alcohol, that's a huge issue. Normal people do not do this. Normal people don't wake up in the morning

4:06thinking I can't wait to drink. For me, I couldn't. I couldn't wait to be able to get a drink because why it calmed my nerves. It alleviated the withdrawal symptoms. The list goes on, the sooner that I could get alcohol into my body, the better I was going to feel. So if you yourself or a loved one, you find yourself drinking earlier and earlier in the day, you have an alcohol problem. Now, the next one is going to be tolerance, tolerance. This is in the beginning, I said, it's slow and progressive until it's not and it's fast and aggressive. Tolerance plays a big part in this. When I was 13 years old and I consumed my first alcoholic beverage, I'm sure I felt the effects after maybe a few sips. Fast forward to 26 years old in order to elicit the same result. I now had to consume at minimum 24 beers,

5:10more whiskey, vodka, you name it. I was drinking it all to chase the same effect as the effect that I got when I was 12 years old and I drank alcohol for my first time. That is called our tolerance. So I don't know what your tolerance is. I don't know how much alcohol you can consume. And I remember wearing that as a badge of honor. Oh, I could drink them under the table. Saying that now is silly. I can't believe that I wore that as a badge of honor. I carried pride with the fact that I could outdrink all of my friends. But that was something that it was a curse. It was not something that I should have been happy or proud about. That was alcoholism getting me in its grips, even deeper and deeper and deeper. Until ultimately I didn't know what else I didn't know how to stop alcohol controlled my life.

6:13So what is your tolerance? That's my question for you. What is your tolerance? Realistically, how much alcohol can you consume? And if you can consume a lot of alcohol, don't come back and tell me, oh, it's because I'm a big guy. Oh, it's because it's my culture. I'm Irish. All Irish is, we can drink so much. That has nothing to do with it. What is your tolerance? How much alcohol does it realistically take you to consume in order to get that effect that you're searching for? If it's a lot, whatever a lot is for you, your tolerance is built up and it's something to look at. Now, because my tolerance was so high and it took so much alcohol for me to elicit that result, my body was used to it. And this goes into the next sign in symptom. This is going to be number four shaking. I actually had tremors. My hands would shake. My jaw would shake. My body was going through actual withdrawals

7:15when it didn't have alcohol in my system. And that directly correlates with tolerance. The more my tolerance was, the higher my tolerance was, and you remove the alcohol from my system, the more that I would shake. The more that I would tremble, you could actually see it physically in my hands. My hands would shake. I was not a mechanic by trade. And I distinctly remember having to hold my hand up against my toolbox so I could actually write on the repair order. Because if I didn't, if I wasn't able to stable my hand, it would look like chicken scratch because I was shaking so bad. Are you drinking to the point to where you are actually having shakes in your hands or in your chin? It can happen anywhere.

8:15Check your blood pressure. A lot of times these go hand in hand. Your blood pressure is going to be elevated. Because again, I know for me, I would have the shakes. I would have the trembles. My anxiety would be through the roof. And my blood pressure would be through the roof. These are serious symptoms that we need to take a look at. So if it's you or for somebody that you love, watch out for this. If you know that they are just coming off of a bender, look at them, look at their hands, look at their eyes, look at their chin, see if it's trembling if there's any shakes. And that's going to be a total sign of alcoholism. The next sign that I used all the time was, I lied about my consumption. I always lied about how much alcohol I was truly consuming. I remember when I walked into the doctor's office for the very first time because I thought I had anxiety and I didn't know what was going on with me. The doctor asked me, Tom, do you drink?

9:16And I said, yeah, I drink, but I only have a few beers here and there. He says, okay, he end up writing me a prescription for a benzodiazepine. Little did I know that it affects the brain the same way that alcohol does. The point of that was I lied about my consumption. Do you lie to people about the consumption of alcohol? Do you lie about how much you're truly drinking? If so, why? Because normal people, normal people that drink, they don't lie about their consumption. Yeah, I had two beers. Yeah, I had six beers. I had a couple drinks last night with my friends. Oh, it was cool, it was fun. I had half and I, ugh, I just, I went to bed. But alcoholics, we protect the amount that we're drinking. I always, you know, I've shared this multiple times. I remember I would get home and my dad would say, well, how many beers do you drink today, Tom?

10:16And I would say, I only had five or six. Now, the beers that, where I drink, they had 36 sounds frosted mugs. So I would say, yeah, I only had five or six, but I had five or six, 36 sounds frosted mugs, or 32 ounce, whatever they were. I always lied about how much alcohol I truly was consuming. So how much are you actually drinking? How much is your loved one actually drinking? You, if you know how much they're drinking and then when you ask them, you know that they are actually lying to you about it. They have an alcohol problem. If you yourself, you find a need to lie about the amount of alcohol that you are actually consuming, you have an alcohol problem. The next one for me was I was just drinking alone. I was isolated. I would, and the thing is I was isolated in public.

11:19I drank alone, but at a bar. I would sit at the bar. I wouldn't talk to anybody. I would just sit there and drink. Now, if people came up to me and they would wanted to talk to me, sure, I would talk to them. But in the end, my sole purpose was to get drunk. My sole purpose was to drown out my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions, and that was gonna be my way of alcohol. And so I did that alone. I did it isolated, even though I'm in a public place. It was one of the most depressing times of my life. I remember sitting at the bar, thinking to myself, is this what I'm actually doing with my life? Being depressed, being anxious, being worried, being filled with fear and guilt. But alcohol in that very moment is what solved my problem. And I was gonna do it, whether you liked it or not. But the reason that I did it on my own

12:19and I isolated myself was because I did not want anybody challenging me in my drinking. I did not want anybody saying to me, Tom, hey, maybe, maybe, just maybe, this is something that you should take a look at. That is why I isolated myself. So where are you? Where are you with your drinking? Do you drink by yourself? Do you find it necessary to hide in your basement and drink? Do you find it necessary to hide a bottle underneath your car seat? And then, you know, hit it a few times before you walk in and play dad? Do you find it necessary to hide in your bedroom? And stuff a bottle of vodka in between the mattresses or in your sock drawer and just nip it whenever you can. If that's you, you have an alcohol problem.

13:21The next one, and I was the king at this. I'll quit on Monday. I always, I always said, I'll quit on Monday or I'll quit tomorrow. For the sake of this, let's just say I'll quit tomorrow. I'm not gonna, I'm not, I'm done tomorrow. Tomorrow never came. I constantly would always justify to myself, why it's okay today that I drink, but I'll, I'll handle all this tomorrow. I'll deal with all this tomorrow, and I'm gonna have to be sober to deal with this tomorrow, so tomorrow I'm not gonna drink. But just for today, I'm gonna do what I need to do. I'm gonna go ahead and I'm just gonna get drunk today. This is very common amongst addicts and alcoholics. We are constantly kicking the can down the road. I will handle it tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. Why? Because we have the innate fear we have fear that we are going to have to face reality

14:24and we do not want to face reality. We do not want to solve the problems that are going on in our lives. We do not want to address the things that, that are causing us to do the things that we are doing to begin with. We do not want to look at any of that. The only thing that we want to do is look at the bottom of a bottle. So therefore I will handle this tomorrow. But for today, I'm drinking. Have you done that? Have you said, I'm gonna quit tomorrow. And we see this all the time with like even New Year's resolutions and all this stuff, I'm gonna wait for January 1st. And then you maybe get on the wagon for a week or two and then you fall off the wagon on your weight loss journey or whatever your New Year's resolution is. It's very common, but for alcoholics, it's life or death. So if that's you, you have an alcohol problem. The next one is I was neglecting my responsibilities. I was neglecting my responsibilities as a son.

15:25I was neglecting my responsibilities as an employee, as a friend, as a boyfriend. I had a girlfriend at the time that I was, she ended up kicking me to the curb because I drank way too much. I started taking less and less care on my hygiene. I wasn't showering as often as I should have been. I was a mechanic by trade. I said this, I would go to the bar after work, covered in grease and oil and dirt. And then I would go to the bar and drink. I wouldn't even bother going home to get a shower and I'd get so drunk that I would go home, pass out in bed and get up and do it all over again. And I never showered. I'd be lucky if I brushed my teeth. Basic responsibilities were being neglected. Is that you? Do you neglect the most basic of responsibilities?

16:27Are you neglecting your children? Are you neglecting your spouse? Are you neglecting your employer? Are you paying your bills? Are you showering? Are you taking care of your body or has alcohol become a priority to all of those things? If that's you, you have an alcohol problem. I eventually got into a place where alcohol I used to cope with everything. If I was happy, I drank, if I was sad, I drank. If I needed to grieve, I drank. If the day ended and why I drank, it was celebratory. It was everything. Everything that I did, every move that I make, every, every situation that I was in, every circumstance, it involved alcohol. I used it to cope with absolutely everything. It was my cure all. It was my answer. There wasn't anything or anybody that could fill that void enough as alcohol. I don't know what your situation is. I don't know if you're a spouse watching this

17:27and you are wondering why your spouse is not giving you the time of day. Why they're not paying attention to you? Why that they find it necessary to choose alcohol over you? And I will give you one very simple answer. It's because you do not elicit the same dopamine response as alcohol does. It's not that they don't love you. It's not that they don't care about you. It's not that they don't know that you love them. You don't elicit the same dopamine response as alcohol does. You're trying to compete with something that you cannot win. You're trying to compete with king alcohol and you will not win. The mind of an alcoholic, the alcohol is the answer to all of our problems. It is a solution. It is a symptom of underlying issues, but it is our number one solution. I used it to cope with everything. So if that's you, if you can't face the realities of life,

18:30if you cannot face the day-to-day stressors that come with living on this planet, that God granted us the opportunity to have. If you can't get through day-to-day life stressors, circumstances, what have you without alcohol, you have an alcohol problem. And last but not least, someone close to you has told you maybe you're drinking too much. If somebody has ever come to you and said, hey, I think this might be something that you need to take a look at. It's not out of the blue. If you've ever told yourself, this might be something that I need to look at. That's not out of the blue. There's a reason why you thought that. There's a reason why somebody came and shared that with you. My dad on multiple occasions said to me, Tom, I think you're drinking too much.

19:30I really do. I really think that this is something that we need to take a look at. And what do I do? I get defensive. I justify. I deflect. I come up with all the reasons as to why I'm doing the things that I'm doing. And dad, you don't, you just don't understand. But in the end, he was able to see the truth for what it was. I was drinking way too much. So is that you? Has anybody in your life ever come to you and said, I think this is something that you need to take a look at? Now, it's only natural for you to fight that. It's only natural for you to argue that and to justify it and do all the things that I did. But healing and recovery and freedom from alcohol does not start until we can take an honest look at ourselves and the people in our inner circle and actually listen to what they have to say. And think to ourselves, maybe there's something there. Maybe I am drinking too much.

20:32If that is you, if people have approached you and said, I think you're drinking too much, or you've told yourself, I think I might be drinking too much. You might have an alcohol problem. Now, these 10 signs and symptoms, you don't have to have all 10. You don't have to have two. There is no real criteria here. Alcoholism, it said, it's the only disease that one can ever have that has to be self-diagnosed. In other words, I have to believe in my heart of hearts that I have a real problem with alcohol that I cannot control my alcohol consumption. And when I get to that point and I have that understanding and that realization that alcohol is rolling my life and everything that is in my life, alcohol rolls it. Now I can start to make a change. Don't go through this video and think, oh, I only have one of those.

21:33I don't have a problem, really? I would argue if you have just one of these, this is something to take a look at. Normal people, normal people, people that don't have a problem with alcohol, they would not relate to any of these. Any of my friends that are normal people that have not had a problem with alcohol, I would read this list off to them and they would think, that is strange. How can somebody even allow themselves to get to that point? So if you relate to one of these, if you relate to 10 of these, or if you have a loved one that you know can meet one to 10 of these in terms of criteria, let's start doing some work. Let's start actually figuring out what we can do from this point moving forward to make some serious positive impact. That is my job.

22:33That is what I'm here for. That is why I put these videos out. That's why I put out this podcast is to draw awareness to alcoholism and drug addiction and to help family members navigate addiction and alcoholism that's either within themselves or their family dynamic or a dear friend of theirs. If that's you and you want to explore this, whether it's for you or for somebody that you love, I do a free webinar. I would encourage you scan the QR code that is up on the screen right now or click the link in the description. It's five mistakes that just about all families make when it comes to actually getting their loved one help for their addiction. I've worked with thousands of families over the years and I've bought it down to the five biggest mistakes that all families make. And so this is 100% free scan the QR code, click the link in the description, join me on Monday. I do it every single Monday. Now if you're ready to go to the next level and you want to join our family reconnect program or we come alongside you as the family

23:35and help you navigate your situation and really make a true impact and get your loved one the help that they need and actually move that needle in a positive in a positive direction and you want to see some real change. Not only within yourself, but within your addict or alcoholic loved one, you want to break free from the stress. You want to break free from the anxiety and the depression. You want to start sleeping better at night. You want to start restoring the relationships amongst your friends and your family and you want to stop being held captive by your loved one's addiction, then just join our family reconnect program. Scan the QR code that's up on the screen right now or click the link in the description. I hope this video gave you some direction, gave you some understanding, some realization into what alcoholism truly looks like. I gave you 10 examples and there are plenty more. But hopefully this gave you a little bit of clarity

24:36on your situation. So until next time, I'll see you on the next video.