697: Why Balance Is a Lie (And What to Do Instead)

Welcome to the Melissa Ambracini Show. I'm your host, Melissa. They're selling

author of Mastering your Mean Girl, Open Wide, Comparison Iters and Time Magic. And I'm

here to remind you that love is sexy, healthy is liberating, and wealthy isn't a dirty word.

Each week I'll be getting up close and personal with thought leaders from around the globe,

as well as your weekly dose of motivation, so that you can create epic change in your

own life and become the best version of yourself possible. Are you ready, beautiful?

Hello and welcome back to the Melissa Ambracini Show. I'm so excited about this episode because

this is one of those topics that can instantly change how you move through your day, especially

if you are a mother, a leader, a business owner, or you're just the kind of woman who carries a lot.

And today I'm talking about something I honestly do not believe in, and that is balance. I don't

believe in perfect balance because life isn't a perfectly still set of scales. It is a dance.

And some days I am doing the wild tango, and some days I am doing the jive, and some days it is

a waltz, and some days you're doing some kind of interpretive dance that no one has ever taught you,

and your barefoot, and you're holding a snack, and you're trying to answer an email and you've got a

baby on your hip all at the same time. So instead of chasing balance, which can make you feel like

you're failing every time your day gets messy, I want to offer you a different framework.

It's called load management. It's what athletes do. It's what high performers do.

It's what emotionally mature women do when they stop treating their bodies like machines and

start treating them like living intelligent divine systems, which they are. And today I'm going to

make this so practical and tangible that you can implement it today, not one day, not when the

kids are older today. Here's what we're doing. I am going to explain why balance does not work.

I'm going to show you what load management actually is, and I'll give you a simple repeatable

method that you use every week in motherhood, in business, in your body, in your relationships.

This is what I teach my clients, and I'll finish with a quick audit. You can do in two minutes

that will immediately lighten your load. So first, why balance is a trap for so many incredible

women? This is why. Because balance implies that you hold everything evenly all the time. Do you

do that? Like I absolutely don't. And you can't. And more importantly, you're not meant to.

There are seasons where you are in pure output mode. There are seasons where you are in repair and

rest mode. There are seasons where you are deep in your mothering. There are seasons where you are

in creation mode. And the problem isn't that one season is wrong. The problem is when you try to

operate like it's always peak season. When you treat every week like it's the week you're

launching or hosting or performing or parenting, creating, training, socializing and being spiritually

aligned all at once. That is not balance. That's just chronic load. And when your load stays high

for too long, your body pays the bill. In the science world, there's a concept called

Alastatic Load. It's basically the wear and tear on your body when your stress response is

activated over and over again without enough recovery. So think of it like your system being under

challenge, constantly adapting, constantly bracing until it becomes expensive, hormonally,

neurologically and emotionally. And before you think, Melissa, I'm not stressed. Let me say this

clearly. You can be coping. You can be performing. You can be competent and still be under a level of

load that isn't sustainable. And a lot of high performing, high achieving, high capacity women don't

actually look stressed. They look impressive. But behind the scenes, they feel wired and tired,

snappy at their kids, foggy in the morning, needing the coffee over it, overwhelmed by tiny things

like the noise of the oven when you're cooking. And you're unable to make decisions. And you might

say things like, why am I so irritated? Or why can't I focus? Or why does everything feel so heavy?

And that's not you being dramatic. That is your system being overdrawn. And one of the sneakiest

contributors to overload is cognitive load. The constant switching, deciding, holding, remembering,

all the tabs open because your brain is not designed to do eight things at once. For me,

I used to wear multitasking as a badge of honor. Now I literally, I'm like, I can only do one thing

at once. I'm like, let me do this. And then I'll do that over there.

It's not something I wear as a badge of honor anymore. Our brain is not designed to do multiple

things at once. And even when you can do it, it costs you. And the American Psychology Association

has written about multitasking and task switching. And what we call multitasking is often just

rapid switching. And switching comes with measurable time and performance cost. And we speak about

this in time magic. Every time you switch, it actually takes your brain 20 minutes to come back

to focus on what you were doing. So if your day feels like write an email, pack lunches, send voice

note, pay the bill, answer the client message, sign a permission slip or book the dentist, create

the content, make the dinner, respond to the messages. That is a lot of switching. And you don't

just lose time. You lose presence. You lose calm. You lose energy. You lose focus. And there's another

piece here that I want to name because it's real. And it's deeply gendered in many households.

The mental load, the invisible management of life. I used to hear people talk about the invisible

load before I had kids. And I'm like, what are they talking about? Now I have kids. I'm like, oh,

I get it 100% I get it. There is research showing mothers often carry a diss proportionate share

of cognitive household labor, the thinking work of running the family, things like the organizing,

the planning, the anticipation, the remembering, the scheduling, the food, the always thinking five

steps ahead. I've got to do that snack. And then I've got to do that. And then I've got to pack

it there so that I don't forget to take it to school pick up so that she has food for afternoon

as soon as she gets home. I know you know what I mean. I know you can relate to what I'm saying.

And one study reported mothers take on about 71% of those mental load tasks. So if you are listening

to this and thinking, yes, but Melissa, my brain never turns off. It might not be because you're

doing it wrong. It might be because you're carrying more cognitive labor than any one sees.

And here's the shift. Instead of judging yourself for not being disciplined, we just manage the

load because you can't always control what's happening in your life, but you can learn to choose

how you move through it. So what is load management? Load management is simply choosing your intensity

on purpose, not letting your week decide for you, not waiting until you crash and burn out and

then calling it rest. It's deciding, is this a high output week? Is this a high output day?

Is this a maintenance week or is this a maintenance day or is this a recovery week or a recovery day?

I want you to imagine an athlete training for a big event. They don't train at maximum intensity

every single day. They build, they peak, they de-load, they recover. And for us, it's the same.

We have weeks where we go hard, but they need to be intentional and they need recovery built-in.

And I think this is where social media does such a disservice for us women. Because it's the

highlight reel we see everyone else just launching and achieving and launching and big numbers and

this and that and holidays and all the things, but not many people actually post the built-in

recovery. And because if you're always in go hard mode, you eventually get taken out. And here's

the thing, if you are always in go hard mode, you'll eventually get taken out and not because you're

weak, but because you are human and we're not designed to go, go, go, go all the time. It's like

the seasons we have our summer, our autumn, our winter and our spring. We're not meant to be in

summer all the time. Think cyclically in one month we have our own summer autumn winter and spring.

So I want to offer a practical, simple system that you can start today. I call it increase,

maintain, de-load. I'm obsessed with the gym. I do strength training three times a week and I

love it. And there's always the de-load. Okay, so there's three modes. Increase, maintain,

de-load. And your job each week is to choose your mode before you start feeling your calendar.

So let's do it together. If you're driving, just listen. If you can, open the note section in your

phone. So the first step is you choose your mode. Ask yourself, what season am I in right now?

What's my baseline energy? What's already on my plate that is non-negotiable and what support do I

have this week? And then you pick one. Increase. This is a week where you will add pressure on

purpose. You create more, you output more, you stretch. Maybe this is a week where you get your hair

done and you film a whole bunch of content. Maybe that is your week or you maintain. So this is

where you keep things steady. You keep moving forward, but you're not in full launch mode or you

de-load. This is where you reduce, you simplify, you protect your nervous system, you rest and you

recover. Now, here's a rule I want you to borrow. If you're ever asking yourself, how can I handle

this week? How am I going to get through this week? How on earth am I going to do it? You are

probably not in increase. And that is not failure. That is self leadership. Because the most powerful

women I know aren't the ones who carry the most. They are the ones who know when to reduce the

load before their body forces them to. I've ended up in hospital, I have been at burnout and it is

not fun. So that is step one. Now step two, set your big three. This alone will change your life

if you let it. So every week you choose three priorities, not 10, not 15, three. And these are not

your to-dos. These are outcomes. For example, it could be delivered the client work that is already

booked. Record one solo podcast episode or create your monthly content plan. And then in motherhood,

it could be get everyone fed and out the door every morning with less stress and peace in the home

or it could be be present and not rush bedtime and do one family life admin session.

Batch it all, laser focus and do it all in one go. So you pick just three. Because when everything

is important, your brain never lands. And when your brain never lands, you don't feel safe.

Your brain is just go go go all the time. And when you don't feel safe, you start reaching for

control. Perfectionism over functioning, over explaining, over committing, overwhelmed. So big

three, that is it. Everything else is optional. And this is where some women get uncomfortable.

Because the identity of being the capable one or the high achieving one wants to say,

but I can do more. Yes, you can. You're an incredible woman. We can do more. We can do lots.

We are incredible. We can do anything. But the question is not, can I? The question is, what does

it cost me? What does it cost my family? So that is the next step. Then we've got step three,

cut the switching. This is so practical. I want you to look at your day and ask, where am I

context switching the most? And choose one place to batch. I talk about batching a lot in time

magic. Where can you batch? Like, can you do all of your client calls on Mondays and Tuesdays?

Can you do all of your podcast recording and content creating on a different day? Can you do

all of your admin on another day, whatever it is? Where can you batch? And for those of you that

don't know, batching is simply grouping similar tasks. Like I said, you do emails only twice a day.

And then think daily instead of checking emails all day, you can only check emails twice a day.

You could do one admin block. You could make all of your food for breakfast lunch and dinner at

breakfast time. You could do all the school forms at one time instead of throughout the whole

afternoon, because the more you switch, the more you drain. And this is especially important if

you are tired. And speaking of tired, I want to drop in a stat here because it's a huge wake-up call.

Studies have found that being awake for around 17 to 19 hours can impair performance

similarly to having a blood alcohol concentration of about 0.05. So if you are doing long days,

short sleep and expecting yourself to be emotionally regulated, creative, patient, strategic,

sensual, kind, all the things, just know that you are trying to do a high-level life on a low-power

battery. Sleep is not a luxury. It is load management. And the CDC and NIH have both described

how inadequate sleep impairs cognitive functioning and can affect how well you think,

react, work, and get along with others. We all know how sleep affects us.

Instantly, if I don't get a good sleep, I want to eat different things. I am a lot more irritable.

I am just a different person. I am such a better person when I get good quality sleep.

So that is number three, cut the switching. Okay, let's move to step four. Remove one emotional

surcharge. This is where the goal is because it's not just your tasks. It's the emotional cost

attached to them. Two women can have the same job, the same schedule, the same kids, but one is

paying an emotional surcharge on everything. Resentment, dread, perfectionism, fear of disappointing

people, over responsibility, guilt. So I want you to pick one thing this week and ask,

how can I make this 20% lighter? You can lower the standard. You do not need gourmet dinners

on a de-load week. You need nourishment, yes, 100%, but you don't need gourmet. You can delegate

one piece, not the whole thing, one piece. You can put a time cap on something, 30 minutes,

and then I'm done, whether that is cleaning the house or emails. You can remove the nice layer.

This is huge for women. We add extras to prove we're good. We add the ribbon, the follow-up,

the additional voice notes, the perfect canvas slide, the emotional cushioning. And sometimes

the most loving thing that we can do is just be clear and complete and honest and speak from

our heart. We don't need all the fluff. We don't need to perform goodness. And I'll share a little

script with you that I share with my clients that you can borrow. I can do X, but I'm not

available for Y. I'm keeping it simple this week. Here's what I can commit to and here's what I

can't. I trust you to handle that. Now, I want to add one celebrity reference here that's

actually relevant. So Barack Obama talked publicly about reducing trivial decisions,

like wearing only gray or blue suits. So he could preserve decision-making energy for what

mattered. Now, whether you love him or not, the principle is powerful. You protect your capacity

by removing low-value decisions. You don't need to copy someone's wardrobe, but you can copy the

concept. Default meals. Default routine. Default school lunch. Default workout days. Default content

schedule. That's not boring. That is freeing. So that is step four. Now step five, install a

de-load ritual. I want this to be so simple that you can't talk yourself out of it. So de-load

rituals are small. They're consistent actions that tell your nervous system, we are safe,

we can soften. It's not an elaborate self-care checklist. Not another thing you have to do

correctly. It's just something easy to do. So here are some options. You can go for a 10-minute walk

with no phone. You'll be okay, I promise. You can have a shower with amber lights. You can have

a cup of herbal tea outside. You can do a five-minute tidy of your desk to signal that your work is

done. You can do a screen-free bedtime queue and one early night a week and get to bed early

every night. Make that a non-negotiable. And I want to say this gently. If your rest requires

effort, it's probably not rest. So choose rest that feels like relief. Let's move on to step six.

The Tuesday test. This is one of my favorite tools. So I want you to ask yourself,

could I sustain this week if I felt 70% on Tuesday? Not your best day. Not your most motivated day,

just a normal standard random Tuesday. And if the answer is no, your plan isn't a plan. It is

pressure. So what do you do? Do you reduce? You simplify. You move your week from increase to maintain

or from maintain to de-load because load management isn't about doing nothing. It's about doing what

is important and real. Now I want to pull this all together with a two-minute audit. So let's do this

together. The first question I have for you is, what am I carrying right now because I am the

reliable one? Not because it's truly mine. Just name it, out loud, write it down if you want to.

What am I carrying right now because I am the reliable one? Maybe it is a family admin task

that could be shared. Maybe it's the emotional management of everyone's experience. Maybe it's

work you're doing because you don't trust someone else to do it properly. So write it down or say it

out loud. What are you carrying right now because you're the reliable one? Question two, what's one

commitment that I can clarify today? Because ambiguity is exhausting. It's the maybe. It's the

I'll see. It's the we should. It's the I might. I will never respond to someone with a let me

get back to you or let me think about it or I'll see or maybe or we should. I never say those things

because if I don't know in the moment, I'm just making more work for myself. So I will leave the

message unread until I am sure and then I will respond. So I might take a few days to get back to

you but I'm not going to message you and say let me come back to you. I'll just wait until I'm

clear and then I can give a yes or a no. That just makes more work for yourself. So I want you to

choose one and you make it clean. You either say yes or you say no or not this month or not

this time. But let's leave out the maybe's I'll seize. We should. I might you know those things.

They just create more work for you. The next question is what's one thing I can do at 80% this week?

And I want you to notice what comes up when you even ask that. Does your body soften or does it

panic? That reaction is information. What is one thing I can do at 80% this week? Question four,

what mode am I in for the next seven days? Am I in increase? Am I in maintain or a delode? And

then based on that mode, what's one practical change that I'm making today? One not 10 just one

because small adjustments done consistently will change your life more than grand reinventions

that you can't sustain. Nick and I always say it's the little things that you do every day that

add up to big results or big consequences. And I want to finish by bringing it back to that dance

metaphor. Some days you will do the tango. It will be wild. It will be sharp. It will feel like you

are being thrown around the room by your dance partner. And then some days you will do the jive.

And it will be different. And then some days you will do the waltz and it will feel different.

But the goal isn't to force a perfect routine. The goal is to stay present with what's in front of

you and meet it with wisdom. Load management is wisdom in motion. It's you saying I'm not here to

prove I can handle everything. I'm here to build a life that I can actually live. And if you're a

mother, if you are building something, if you're the woman who holds a lot, this matters because the

world doesn't need you to be balanced. It needs you to be well happy thriving because when you are

at your best, that ripples out to your children, to your partner, to your work everywhere. And when

women are thriving, the world changes. So I hope you got a lot out of this episode. And if you did,

please subscribe to the show and leave me a review on Apple podcasts and send me a screenshot of it

to hello at Melissa Rambrassini.com. And I will send you my wildly wealthy guided meditation

as a thank you for taking the time to leave that review. And if there's someone in your life that

you can think of that would really benefit from this episode, please share it with them right now.

You can take a screenshot, share it on your social media, email it to them, text it to them, do whatever

you've got to do to get this in there is. And until next time, don't forget that love is sexy,

healthy is liberating and wealthy isn't a dirty word.