#758 - DONNELL RAWLINGS + TREVOR WALLACE

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And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony.

Hey, this is Ramack Kempney Live from the Comedy Mother Ship here

in Austin, Texas.

Our brand new episode of Killtony.

Get up right down here.

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Who's the ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

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Thanks for coming right here and waiting for them.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

You know, every single week, I take the two best comedians

that I could possibly find and I put them together here

on this show this week, no different.

The return of two of the wildest panelists

in the history of the show.

How many of you consider yourselves

diehard Killtony fans?

What you're in for a treat is I present to you two

of the hardest working, most working stand-up comedians

in the world today and two legends of the Killtony panel.

This is Donnell Rollins and Trevor Wall.

There he is.

Donnell, Trevor, Donnell, you're next to me.

I always keep Donnell next to me

because he gets out of control.

It's harder to walk off the show

if you're sitting next to me.

Donnell, famous for the number one meltdown

in Killtony history,

according to many YouTube videos.

In the words of Nina Simone,

it's a new day, it's a new dawn.

I'm feeling good.

And I want to say happy Black History Month

but it's not representing this audience.

No, I got you right here, Donnell.

I got you.

Trevor Wall is one of the whitest white people

on Planet Earth here to celebrate Black History Month

with you.

Donnell Rollins is on tour.

Good tickets at DonnellRollings.com.

Trevor Wall is also on tour.

He's filming a special March 13th and 14th in Phoenix

and he's dropping a new special at Trevor Wall is on YouTube.

On April 1st, on YouTube.

And hell yeah.

You guys both have been on the show.

You know how this fucking show works.

Donnell is a legend of this game.

He is on almost every Killtony compilation video

of every hate me here.

You know, I'm just doing it for the piece

and I'm so happy to announce it.

I did not make the Epstein files.

I was at a ditty party,

but I didn't guess the whole difference.

Oh, different.

Maybe all fair, everybody.

I'll just say that.

We're going to have fun here.

You guys know how it works.

Over 300 comedians signed up for the chance

to get 60 seconds on this stage.

If their name gets pulled out,

you know, their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then

or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Which just rubly interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview.

Anything can happen.

The whole thing is improvised.

God only knows.

I mean, shick, it's crazy here out of this bucket.

You guys are going to start tonight's fucking show or what?

While we go wrangle that first bucket pull of the night,

we have a very, very special treat to start tonight's show.

This young man is considered much like Donnell,

one of the most polarizing figures in this show's history.

Very, very, we've watched him grow

up until this point.

Every minute seems to be better than the last.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you remember when he was just an nephew?

Now he's an uncle,

mixed noise to the great uncle laser, everybody.

How are we doing, Austin?

You all right?

Okay.

Happy Black History Month.

They've got Donnell here.

They've got that light skin and feather painting.

They've got a D-matten that's dressed like a butler.

Unreal, what a treat.

Before we get started on these, you know, listen,

I don't care what you are.

Okay.

It's your right as human being.

Whatever you do, don't repeat on what someone else does.

It's your right as human being.

Like, I don't care if you're gay.

I don't care if you're trained.

I don't even care if you're black.

Your body, your choice, you know what I'm doing.

And you're like, well, the black's not a choice.

Well, they choose to be that loud of the movie theater, don't they?

Well, listen now.

Listen here, goddamnit, listen.

I ain't racist to nobody.

I don't want to...

But there is one motherfucker I do, hey.

Okay.

One motherfucker I can't stand.

And that is motherfucker with the audacity

to ask me if I want to help them move furniture

from one apartment complex to the other.

Okay.

Listen, dude, the goddamn blatant disrespect

you got to ask me to help you move a California king

down two flights of stairs.

Yeah, man, as soon as we get there,

you might as well just fuck my wife on that mattress, all right?

I'd rather have full-blown fucking aides, all right?

Like, now magic Johnson aides,

quit playing basketball in the 90s.

I'm talking Dallas Barclubs aides, all right?

99 cents a day, aides.

You can swap them flies off them,

maybe open a kid's face.

With that being said,

I gotta move on Saturday.

If anybody's got pickup drug, I can borrow.

My name's Douglas Youngingham.

Uncle laser has started the show.

Uncle laser, let's check in with Donnell again.

I feel attacked anytime I wipe him.

Wow.

Nelson's my name, Donnell.

That's the most racist.

It feels like I was watching a turning point half-time show.

I'll just say this, you made Charlie Kirk happy as a mother fucker, man.

He's turning over in his grave, you know what I'm saying?

Kid crack rock over here.

You know, it's winter when he starts wearing sleeves for sure.

Uncle laser, how's things going?

It's good, man.

Your girl, Kim Cobbner, had a dating show there tonight,

and I actually won it.

I won a date with Heidi.

Wow.

But I was Wambuzled because we went out to the Betty, right?

But she just took me up with the biggest friend she has.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And not like their best friends, hey, this bitch is round.

That makes sense.

That's a real big bear.

She just Wambuzled me.

So that-

No, it sounds like he's describing Juanita right now.

Oh, Juanita.

The very famous Juanita.

Juanita famously talked about how black guys don't want a fucker.

Juanita is a-

She's trans, ain't it?

He's a obese trans.

Don't know, you would bring that up.

That's right.

But Donnell thought it was just a thick Mexican chick,

and he said, hey, you know, I'd be down,

and then I informed him.

That's basically-

That's guy with the fuck I said.

But then it was worse.

He was much worse than that.

This is what I say, because-

Yeah.

Juanita did a song, buddy.

You're a boy.

And then I said, I said, in behalf of-

I'm speaking on behalf of the black community,

I said, this is a song we want to say,

we will, we will, fuck you.

And then I looked, and I didn't really record,

because I know women in the Midwest look just like-

Women in the Midwest do look like trans linebackers, yeah.

And then my deems was flooded with-

Guys named Tonya.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, don't know that was a guy.

We figured that part out, okay?

But, you know, it's a new day, it's a new dawn.

Shout out to Juanita.

Yeah, we love Juanita.

You take her to the Diddy party?

That's what you did there?

No comment.

Takes a lot of baby oil to get that thing ready to go.

I got to tell you that, man.

A drum of baby oil.

Chrisco or something, too.

I feel so insecure.

I'm a black man that can't use baby oil

because of Diddy right now.

What are you using?

If you want to really be test your sexuality, whatever,

you go to a CVS and put eight bottles of baby oil on the counter

and see how the fuck they look at you.

Did they, did they, but they have to unlock the thing for you, right?

When do you do that?

The new downhill is not going to respond to that.

Uncle laser.

So what did you end up doing with the big girl

that Heidi hooked you up with?

You know.

Yeah, we know.

We know that you know how to do.

Did you see the S got me eight bottles of baby oil, you know?

Let's just say you move that furniture around.

Yeah, I helped.

I helped.

It's a teen lift.

Well, laser, great way to get this show started tonight.

Came out with the bang.

There he goes, ladies and gentlemen,

Uncle laser, every Saturday.

And now we go to the bucket, everyone.

And now to the bucket we go, you're first bucket,

but we're going to meet them all together.

This is obviously the part of the show where anything

happens makes the noise for except shepherd, everybody.

Howdy-oh.

I found out recently I'm one eighth black.

It's our month now.

Now, this doesn't mean that I can say any of the fun words,

but I sure have been thinking about it.

I lost my virginity with a soft dick.

Y'all might be thinking, wow, that's got to take a hug to work, right?

You'd be wrong.

All it takes is a girl that believes deep enough

and keeps drinking after sheep pukes on you.

Yeah.

I was 17, she was 22, she knew what she wanted.

Between me and whiskey though, we figured it out.

That's all right.

All right, I wish they got bigger pop, but thank you all so much.

That shepherd, welcome to the show, Seth.

Thank you.

I love your accent, I haven't heard it since you

did the narration on the Big Lebowski.

Yes, sir.

Last time I was on, you said the same thing, yes, sir.

Really?

You've been on before?

About a year and a half ago.

Yeah, it was my, maybe eighth time on stage.

I've been doing comedy about 16, 18 months now.

Nice.

This is your eighth time on stage?

No, last time I was on.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, you have an unbelievable voice.

Thank you.

Both your voice and your jokes could talk us all to sleep without a doubt.

So what's been going on, Seth?

Tell us about your life.

What are you doing for work right now?

Work at a dispensary, which is pretty funny because I don't smoke weed.

But I went to a time you vote for it to be illegal every time it's on the ballot.

I'm not top of thing at all.

I'm a simple man.

I make my eggs and bacon put on my camouflage hat and get to rot in the jokes.

The squawking eagle of America is what keeps us safe.

And I'm going to consider myself a true patriot.

Yes, sir.

When I'm not making myself breakfast or feeding my dogs,

I'm invading the capital.

He's oiling up my guns and just doing what's right for the country.

Yes, sir.

I do support the weeds.

I just, I feel like I'm 29.

I'm too old to be so scared.

It's, uh, I quit smoking because I went on stage after smoking.

I was like, oh no, they...

What do you all hate me?

What's going on?

I was so scared.

They hate you because those jokes are trash.

Don't think too deep in it.

Smoke the joint.

Do some crap, Seth.

Anybody got some heroin in this bitch?

Oh, my God.

I know this is the platform to support people,

but kill yourself.

It's over, son.

Thank you.

You look like you're starting to cuckhole video.

Man, I don't know why that colored fella talked to me like that that night.

He was disrespectful as hell.

Here is my wife and is her birthday.

Make her feel good.

He just looks like the guys in that video always click on it.

Oh, you've seen those videos, huh?

I was part of those videos.

So, Seth, we work at a weed dispensary.

What are you doing for fun?

What is a guy like Seth do for fun?

You look like a man of many hobbies.

All right, I like building guns.

That's right.

Wow.

Straight out of my impression of them.

He said building guns.

Building guns.

Oh, I'm sorry about everything I said about you.

He's also sorry for disrespecting your art form

and holding them sideways every time he gets a chance.

That's right.

Whenever I first moved down here, I was actually,

I called the mother ship and I said,

Hey, y'all, I usually got a gun on my hip.

Y'all got pistol check.

And they're like, what?

I was like, if I got a gun on my hip,

y'all got somebody to get my gun to.

And they said, oh, I was like,

I thought this was Texas, I'm sorry.

There's only one person that the mother ship allows

to have a gun in this place and that person

is de-madness ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah.

Right.

Look out.

Well, he's not doing a good job

because of he built guns.

You should have took the opportunity

to shoot yourself before you can.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

He built two pairs of ones, though.

Yes, sir.

I love it.

Seth, what's your love life like?

It's doing all right.

I actually just this past week kind of broke up with the lady

because she's sending me all kinds of weird shit,

kind of suicidal shit.

And I'm like, I got another gun.

I was like, man, I got maybe six and a half good inches

of dick and 15 pumps if I'm lucky.

I don't know why you've got to keep yourself over that.

Leave me alone.

Wow.

Yep.

Look at that six and a half, huh?

Yeah.

We're doing all right.

Yeah.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

How much bad dick do you have?

I'd be honest.

Don't need the bases.

It's so thick.

It doesn't go in, though.

Little tree stump down there.

Seth, this is incredible.

So she was suicidal.

So you broke up with her?

What a, what an unbelievable boyfriend.

Man of the year, everybody.

Give her a better help.

Read her something, dude.

I've ordered her for a few days and she's like,

I'm going in the dark end.

I'm like, oh, I'm the darker.

Yeah, I'm the darker.

Amazing, man.

So, yeah.

I've learned my lesson.

Crazy pussies of the shit, but it ain't worth it

at the end of the day.

That's you need somebody who can cook you some eggs.

Hang out and be a good woman.

Hey, it's unbelievable this guy.

I mean, unbelievable, Seth.

What else do you do for fun?

Give us another hobby before I get you out of here.

I like to go fishing.

I ain't been fishing since I moved out.

We already knew that.

Give us another one.

Let's see, I walk around six street

and just look at the homeless people.

It's kind of funny.

I feel like you're not a comic in Austin

unless you piss in an alley.

I'm just taking a look at all the turds back here.

What's going on?

There is a lot of turds back there.

It's a lot.

For those of you that just listen to the show

from far away, let me tell you.

Right behind us.

Literally behind us.

About 15 feet behind us.

There's turds.

Crazy.

Okay, red band.

Just red bands one fart sound effect per episode Trevor.

Do you think you look any homeless at all?

Oh, yeah, I'm sure I do.

You look like Luke Nocome, all right?

Yes, sir.

Seth Shepard.

What's your family like?

Are they real Billy Goats too?

Yeah, I come from a long line of prejudice people.

Oh, yeah.

They're great.

But I remember whenever I was on the show last,

Cam Patterson followed me up and he, uh,

he said, he's got a good slave on a voice.

Yeah.

And for the next two months,

every time I call my dad, he's like,

what's up, slave on a voice?

I'm like, well, you can't know what it is.

You can't say that.

That's...

I can't imagine what your dad's voice is like.

Oh, it's great.

He honestly has a deeper voice than any.

I used to smoke three packs a day,

so they're saying all natural, I guess.

Wow.

New ports.

Uh, Marbury Reds.

Oh, I thought you were one-eighth black, sorry.

Yeah, it's nice.

Fair point.

Somebody didn't leave me.

It's cool.

Somebody didn't leave a pack of, uh,

New Port Menthols at Creek Glass night,

and I smoked everyone.

I don't know who's it worth, but that was mine now.

Hate that for you.

Real quick before I let you out of here.

This soft dick,

she puke seven, you were 17, she was 22.

How did that end up happening?

It was my sister's friend.

We got drunk.

It was at her house, a fucker on her couch.

It was...

My sister's friend.

You have a voice like you would lose your virginity to your sister.

You ain't wrong, you ain't wrong, yeah.

No disrespect to West Virginia.

It can talk, yes, sir.

Yeah.

Amazing.

And why was your dick soft?

Because you were drunk, too.

I had a fifth of whiskey.

Yeah, it was, uh, we figured it out eventually,

but it's, uh, I, I have an innate tolerance to whiskey,

don't make any sense.

It's, uh, I get free drinks at some of the clubs around here,

and the other two weeks ago, I had a full,

maybe seven, fifty, I don't even know,

but I've never had a hangover,

so I'm not learning lessons.

I wish I could.

The only hangover I've ever had was from Tequila.

Wow.

Yep.

That's not interesting at all.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

No, I love it.

It's good when the, uh, people watching the show

actually fall asleep watching it,

because that means that we get the entire view.

It just stays on, and then it rolls,

and then they have to watch it again.

So we get two views by having someone on like you,

early on in the episode.

I'm a businessman on top of a host,

and a comedian, and a roaster.

So, all right, you're leaving here with a one-eighth

normal-sized black joke book.

There you go.

Thank you.

There you go, Seth Shepard, everybody.

On to the next one we go.

There you go, Seth.

There you go, Seth, everybody.

Oh, my goodness.

Look who it is, everyone.

The lovely Heidi, everybody.

Live in the flesh.

Go to HeidiRagina.com.

Check out our podcast.

Love on the line.

Also, check out the Killtony band on YouTube.

They have a new show.

Find you part two.

They have a new song.

They do songs.

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Now back to the show.

There's only one thing he could have done,

only one thing that makes any sense.

He'd line them up on the ground,

put a ramp on either side,

and turn this chair up to full speed.

He has the science to make it happen.

I could just imagine his tires creating fire tracks.

And I'm pretty sure that's how his face got that way.

It's just the wind resistance.

You know what I mean?

He's just like...

All right, that's my set.

Julian Casas.

Welcome, Julian.

Is this your first time on the show?

First time.

I love it. Welcome. How long have you been on stand-up?

Six months.

Six months. Very good.

Amazing premise and execution.

The delivery felt organic.

It felt like you're new.

But it was good.

Yes, because it created mystery,

kept us on the edge of our seats,

much like Stephen Hawking.

So six months in the game, how old are you?

30.

What made you want to start six months ago?

I was thinking about what I wanted to do with my life,

because I was working at Amazon.

I was just tired of it.

And I said, you know, what kind of life do I want to live?

And I was like, do I want to be a rock star?

Do I want to...

Hell yeah.

I like the optimism.

If I could put eight to ten hours a day into one of those things,

I said comedy, I think, is the one thing that I could see myself

working really hard on.

What came in second place to stand up comedy?

Being a rock star, were you about to go buy a...

were you going to go to guitar center or something like that?

And buy a guitar?

Like, what was...

I think...

I don't think there was no second place.

It kind of just comedy was like the only thing I could see myself doing long-term

and working really hard on for...

What ethnicity are you?

Mexican.

100%.

Both my parents, but I did a DNA test.

It's like 35% native...

Mexican.

Okay.

How much percentage would need to have...

to have an actual official ice rate in here?

Is it like...

35%.

All right, get it out.

Or on the way.

Very cool.

What do your parents do?

Mom's stay at home, mom.

What does dad do?

Am I right?

Mom's on disability.

Yeah.

And dad's a four-cliff driver.

Yeah, perfect.

That's the direct make-up of Stephen Hawking right there, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What kind of disability does your mom have?

I'm new.

It's going to...

It gets a frenic.

Oh, it gets a frenic.

Yes.

Is that affected you a lot as a kid, I bet?

Honestly, she's...

It's very, like, low-key.

She has voices in her head, but she handles it well.

So she's not...

Do the voices speak Spanish?

I never thought to ask.

Do the voices know anything bad

but he was saying it to Superboy Aftime Show?

I'm just curious.

Can your mother translate the Aftime Show?

All right, I just...

Yeah.

I don't know what happened.

I was watching the T-pack Aftime Show, so...

I'm kidding.

I would have to ask her.

No, it's good.

But, no, nothing two nuts that she's ever done

and a big break meltdowns, like Don L. did a few episodes ago.

No, she's hurt.

Like, if she has, like, an episode is just really

small in her hand, Lena, herself.

Is it an episode or it's all a novella?

What do you call it, exactly?

It's more like...

It's more like she's talking to herself

and I'm like, what's going on?

Right.

That makes sense.

Dad's cool.

You and Dad are close?

Me and Dad are close.

What does he think of?

Go ahead.

My parents got separated when I was, like, in second grade.

But he lives in the same town and I see him, like, pretty often.

But which part, out of your mother, did he separate from?

That's a good question.

Yeah, her main personality, I think, but supposedly...

Supposedly, it changed over time, so who knows?

Did she live by herself now?

Or did she have another man?

No, she lives by herself for, like, the last, like, maybe, like, 20-something years.

Okay.

But in her head, she lives with a group of people, right?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Well, she took us with her, too, so there's, like, a whole...

You... you still live with mom?

Not anymore.

Nice.

I moved to Austin, actually.

You live by yourself?

Other by myself.

Nice.

How are you able to afford that apartment now that you...

Do you still work at Amazon?

So, I was working at Amazon in California and then I just, um...

I said, you know what?

I looked up the cost of living in Austin and I said, you know what?

I could pull out my savings, go to Austin, find a job,

and then last for, like, as long as I need to last.

And then, until, like, my comedy skills grow and...

Let me ask you this.

How much money did you have saved up?

About...

14,000?

Very good.

What's your rent a month?

Like, five hundred?

Five seventy-five seventy-five?

I live in a travel trailer.

I don't live in...

I don't live in a...

Beautiful.

In our...

You ever see Uncle laser out there?

Hey, Julian, can you help me move this counter over here?

Come on, give me a hand.

I'm saying, when he's worried, times, let's go.

Wow, Julian, you have any hobbies or anything like that?

Sometimes I write things other than comedy.

Like, I like to write poetry sometimes soon and draw.

Nice.

And...

What else?

Anything wild and fun?

It seemed like he would be a good eulogy writer.

You know, I have...

I made a couple of friends here that, and at least one of them,

you know, gets me out of the house,

you know, make sure that I'm not stuck at home.

You seem like the kind of guy that could drink tequila all day,

have no hangover.

And if you had whiskey at all, you'd be tremendously hungover.

Reverse of the last guy.

I don't get hungover.

Whiskey does make me emotional, though.

Ooh, what kind of stuff happens to you if you drink whiskey?

I started thinking about my life too much.

Poetry.

Are you going to get a job, though?

Are you looking for a job?

I'm going to interrupt yourself.

Poetry gets emotional.

That's what I'm doing.

I'm Ubering now.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Okay, Uber Eats are just regular Uber with humans.

Regular Uber.

I like it better when the package gets in and out on its own.

Nice.

I love it.

Brilliant.

Like I said about the Stephen Hawking thing,

you have a very funny brain.

I think you're just going to keep getting better.

There's, I don't think there's anything I can stop you, Julian.

I see it.

I've been doing this way too long.

I know what it's like when someone has a premise

and the only thing that needs catching up is their delivery.

And that's where you are right now.

It's incredible.

Sign up again.

Here's a big joke, Bob.

Thank you.

Film.

Woo.

There you go.

It happens.

All right.

Your next comedian works here.

You know him.

He became famous for talking about bags and boxes.

This is a brand new minute from Jay Legend, everybody.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm dating, I had one on a date with a white woman.

It's important that I say that part for the story.

And as I was getting to know her,

she was telling me how she was in a gender

pronouns and how she identified as a dating them,

which is a crazy sentence to hear.

But I'm a super chill guy out there over here.

I'm like, if that's how you choose a little

your life, I'll call you what you want to be called.

By dealing with her, I deal with them no before we go out.

I can only afford to pay for me and you.

And that's going to be a problem.

We shouldn't do this because they can come.

Just make sure they bring money for real.

Because if they want anything off of this,

you're going to pay for the shit.

Grituity and all.

I'm going to be stuck with the bill for seven fucking people

because you don't know who you want to be in life.

That's not my responsibility.

And I refuse to deal with it.

The part that pissed me off the most was they got up

when it was time to order.

So now I look like a dumbass at the table

because the waiter took the order.

He like, sir, what would you like?

Put my order in a confidence.

Then he was like, what about your guess?

I was like, I don't know what they want.

He said, they, you expect more people?

I was like, no, it's just one of them.

He said, one of them, I said, yes,

nicked one of them.

I don't know what the fuck I just said.

I'm confused too.

I thought you helped me figure this shit out for real.

Because at this point, it's us versus them.

And we're losing.

They also want to tell them too.

Okay, let's do it.

Very strong.

That welcome back, Jay.

Appreciate you all.

Tommy, can I say something?

Oh, absolutely.

This is probably in the mind of everybody in this panel.

You can't say, I just want to say,

my nigga!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's me.

That's it.

Appreciate it.

Not just because it's black, here's too much.

Just because you're black.

That was it.

So, ice was on their way.

Now we're calling the police.

Everybody.

They already hear us.

Yes, there he is, watching with a watchful eye

over there, keeping an eye on everything.

Jay, how's life going?

It's going good, man.

I'm fucking just working here all the time,

making sure y'all,

she shares this in order before y'all get in here,

taking out the trash.

When y'all leave,

all y'all zins on the fucking floor.

Stop that shit.

Y'all laughing.

That's true.

Somebody's got to do it.

One of the great door guys of the mothership.

Jay, what's your personal life?

Like, what are you doing out there?

You look by yourself?

Oh, no.

So, I have a house full.

So, I got a baby, my mom, not with,

she lived with me,

and I got my two kids,

and that's why she there.

So, you're not with the baby, mama,

but she lives with you.

Yeah, I pair all the bills and shit,

and she there,

because I come out and work nights,

so I need somebody to take care of the kids.

So, she's useful.

You have two kids with her.

Yes, okay.

Say your baby, mom, before you ask.

Yes.

But you don't, that was my next question.

But you don't hook up with her at all, have you?

No, no, that's so toxic.

No, hell no, I'm scared.

I'm scared,

because if another kid happens to me,

because if another kid happens,

I'm going to jump off of something.

But you pay all the bills?

Yeah.

Do you ever look at her and go,

I am decopting now.

I should.

Maybe that shouldn't work.

Arnold, then anything.

I was horrible.

I'm sorry.

No, that's part of it.

When you say it's a toxic relationship,

can you give us some examples of what you mean exactly?

Okay, so she got this super depressive personality

where she can't be happy about shit in life,

and...

We know a good gun guy.

Somebody said, whoa.

Yeah, I already bought one, it's on the way.

Yeah, but I try to make things happy,

because I'm a comedian.

I'm like, laughing this shit,

and she'd be like, no, I'm cool with being depressed.

That could make for a toxic house.

So especially when you pay all the bills,

and you respect somebody to be happy with that,

and she comes and be like,

you know, you left the lights on?

Well, bitch, I pay the bills in here.

I get to fucking leave all of that.

You're not going to, you're not going to sleep in the light.

How about that?

You're damn right.

You're damn right.

So you don't ever get to hook up with checks, huh?

At their place, yeah, you can't come to my house.

It's too much going on in here.

Right.

You imagine that happening?

How old are the kids?

Four and one.

My son is four, my daughter's one.

He got optimism.

That's pretty cool.

Oh, damn.

Yeah, don't, it's cool.

It's fucked.

He don't talk a lot, so his house is quieter.

He's got to think about the positives, dumbass.

I love it.

I love it.

I wish more you were autistic.

I got a question.

What was the demise of your relationship with your baby

mom?

What was the demise?

It always was the depression.

I thought it would get better.

Like I was the type of guy with like, I don't want to just walk out.

This is my dad did.

We can't do the repeat shit.

So I was like, let's stick around and see if it could work out.

And if I could like, try to talk greatest into her.

And then after a while, I'm like, now I'm talking to a wall.

And you kind of just be like, all right, we not going to figure this out.

So we just go out several ways.

Now was she the one that famously left you with bags and boxes?

Yeah, she was the one.

I wrote a song before.

That was how much I tried.

We remember the legendary song.

But then you moved back in.

No, she moved in with me.

She lived with me.

I want people to get that shit straight too.

Because I ain't going to have it wrong.

She lived with me.

They'd be like, you live with your back?

No, she lived with me.

I'm not one of them sleeping cow sleeping baby dead.

He's, I'm fucking kind of mess shit.

It's amazing that you are trying so hard to be a good father.

Yeah, thank you.

Incredible.

It's like when you see like an Asian basketball player or something.

Like it's the opposite of the stereotype.

Like how did that Asian do that?

We know that Asians are good at like ping pong or what?

You guys are good at walking out.

Fucking breaking down barriers every day.

It's incredible.

I'm like, the Jackie Robinson of Baby Deaths.

Yep.

Every black person was a Jackie Robinson of big.

Jackie Robinson was the Jackie Robinson.

Jay, anything else crazy in life going on?

I mean, not crazy.

I got some passion.

Like the blackest shit about me is I was almost sold for crack as a baby.

That was insane.

Yeah, my, so I had 70 year old parents.

And they left me with my crack head grandma.

And then they came back from working at Burger King.

And my mom was like, where's my baby?

And trying to get that answer from a crack head is pretty hard hurt.

And my dad was a crack dealer.

So he knew all the hotspots.

So he was like, you chill out.

And I'm gonna go find him.

And he came back like two hours later with me.

That's the crazy fucking.

That is a crazy story.

Yeah, I could have been with a better family.

How much did they try to sell you for?

I don't know.

But I think it was like two fucking dime bags or whatever.

Which back then, I was born in the 90s.

So I feel like with inflation,

that would be like a eight ball, which is a lot of money.

Yeah.

That was a special bag, baby.

This is like a proud, he's like a job.

Incredible, Jay.

You are very charismatic.

Did you happen to hear any weird noises while you were up here?

Did you notice anything?

Yeah, don't give a fuck.

See, I like the fucking fire detector.

I don't change the batteries on purpose.

It's like white noise for me.

It's like a little instrumental waiting to happen.

It's a mechanism for you.

It's funny that it's white noise to you

because it's a black noise stop.

Jay, you already have a big joke book, right?

Yeah.

Is it filled up?

Yeah, it's filled up.

Okay, here's another one.

Jay Legend is getting a black one.

Yeah, yeah.

Little black baby, joke book.

Jay Legend, everybody.

On to the next one.

We're flying through it tonight.

Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen,

goes by the name of Derek Larson.

Everyone makes noise for Derek Larson.

What's up, guys?

I'm not from Texas.

When I first moved here, I thought I was going to have to learn

like the Texas lingo, right?

So I started saying things like howdy,

I reckon, and yeehaw after somebody would say the inward.

Yeah, I learned pretty quick.

That's not how people talk at Austin at all.

No, people here, they say things like,

woken progressive.

And if you live here long enough,

you'll find the same kind of stuff, too.

Like the other day, this person walks by,

and I turn to my buddy and go, damn, dude.

Check out the ass on that day, then.

Now, a little about me.

I have a pocket pussy.

I'll be honest with you guys,

after you use it a couple times,

it starts to taste kind of weird.

Yeah, but hey, a chef should ever fear his own recipe.

Am I right, fellas?

Yeah, my pocket pussy is also brown,

so you know when I'm using it,

I'm yelling yeehaw.

All right, yeah.

Cool.

I hooked up with this big girl recently.

Yeah, talk about a heavy sleeper.

All right, fuck.

Thank you, Derek Larson.

All right, this is your first time on the show, Derek.

Yes, sir.

Welcome, welcome.

How long have you been on standup?

Uh, like seven years on and off.

Yeehaw!

Yeah.

Damn.

When did you move here?

Three years ago.

Where'd you come from?

Oh, I wish I saw Kansas.

Wichita, Kansas.

Oh, my god.

Okay, Matt.

Doesn't say anything ever.

Yeah, he speaks once every two months.

I said, Wichita, he said,

where did you go?

Where did you come from,

Conte Night Show?

Again.

Autism is spreading through the United States of America.

It is an epidemic.

Derek, Wichita, Kansas,

and what do you do for work?

I am a rope access technician,

so I clean the high rises and stuff on ropes.

Like cleaning windows, maintenance,

whatever, but on ropes.

Very nice.

Uh, what's the highest you've ever been on a building?

Uh, Paul Park.

On the one on the rainy,

it's one of the rainy new buildings.

It's, uh, like, 45 stories.

So it dropped.

And it has an overhang,

which is, it was scary.

You ever thought about it?

I got to go to work tomorrow.

Yes.

No, no.

Tell us about this pocket puzzle.

It's true or no.

Do you eat it like a goagurt?

How'd you do it?

Just slurp it all the way up.

You got to make it work, you know?

You're sure?

No, I know.

Right.

Let me ask you this.

When you're out there cleaning windows,

you know, I can tell you red band can tell you.

A lot of stuff goes down and you never know

when you people are coming.

What's the craziest thing you've ever seen

inside of one of these crazy windows?

Oh, man.

It's so, everybody has such great stories.

It's kind of gay.

Your face just went gay just now.

I don't know what happened.

It wasn't fun, man.

It was, so you like, you drop.

And like, of course, they don't know we're coming.

Right.

I dropped on this window and I swear to God,

this dude was just jerking off on his couch

and like, he looked at me and made eye contact

and like kept going.

I swear to God, I-

I would have noted on the window,

I'm like, clean that, bitch.

We don't think you could see us.

I think that's the main thing.

Like, I always think that you can't see

because of the reflections in the show.

We act.

We try to like make it seem like we don't see what's going on.

That was his day.

He was like, boy,

if a window washer come down here,

this is going to be he-haw.

No doubt about it.

Yeah, it was, yeah, it was so weird.

It was a weird situation.

And I got to finish the-

I can't just drop down.

I got to like-

You just dropped down.

You enjoyed to sit by the front end.

It was new.

You can mission impossible that go a little bit,

go a little lower, but you chose to stay there.

You know what I would have done?

You know me.

I would have stared right at the guy

started jerking off myself.

But I would have taken my rappel rope

and wrapped it once around my neck,

and really just fucking really gotten into it.

You know what I mean?

I'm into crazy shit.

There's a certain level of success

where you hit where you can't just come

like a normal person anymore.

I have to absolutely be getting choked out by something.

What does that cost food or something?

Right?

What does it cost?

Uh, what is it?

What is it?

Uh, I-I call it pulling a David Caridine.

What does it cost?

That's a freak.

Anybody can pronounce that as a fucking freaky mother fucker.

Yeah.

Auto erotic is fix-

is fixiation.

Michael Gonzalez, our resident kink.

Okay.

So, Derek, give us a crazy fun fact about your life,

which attack Kansas?

You got some hillbilly parents?

No, my parents are pretty cool.

I was a pretty bad drinker.

Well, I've had a drinking problem for like seven years

and recently I like stop finally.

What made you stop?

My parents came and visited.

And I was like, what?

You guys know where I live?

No.

No, they-

it wasn't like that.

It was like a very hard to heart.

Like how bad was it

where you drinking the day?

Was it myself?

Basically, every night,

drinking about half a bottle of whiskey.

Wow.

Yeah, it got pretty bad to where it was every night.

But I wouldn't do it like during work or anything,

obviously.

But I would wake up still drunk and be like,

this is horrible.

And then seven years later,

I'm like, I'm going to do something about it.

Yeah, awesome.

How old are you again?

I'm 31.

31.

Yeah, it's like, yeah.

Black, there you go.

There's still time, right, Ben?

Just so you just get a bigger bottle of whiskey,

get one of those big Costco jokes.

Oh, well, so forth.

I had like a legit,

where I would buy the small bottle

because I'm like, I like drinking out of the bottle.

And then I'd fill it up with a big bottle.

So I'd like buy the big bottle

and just keep refilling the small bottles.

Oh, yeah.

You had a problem.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

I didn't think it was a problem

because I would just say home and drink.

So I'm like, I'm not hurting anybody,

but it turns out I hurt myself.

Amazing.

Worst night of drinking you ever had.

Would you ever hit a bottom before you kept going?

I, one time I got drunk and I took my,

I obviously in Kansas, it gets cold and it snows.

I didn't realize that when people made snowmen

like after a couple of days,

it turns into pure ice.

Me and my buddy got drunk one night

and we just plow through snowmen

through people's yards in my car.

Yeah, I fucked my car up.

Oh, yeah.

Fucked it.

And now we were so drunk,

we were like, he's just so fun.

And then the next day I'm like, oh my god,

my dad's gonna beat this shit out of me.

Wow.

Incredible.

Yeah.

What's your love life like, Derek?

Non-existent.

I haven't had girlfriend in a long time.

Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin?

Yeah, I moved to here three years ago, so.

Oh, perfect.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, you got to snag one every now and again.

Yeah.

Get him on six street while they're,

yeah, incomprehensible.

I don't know.

I'm sorry, I didn't get him with your rope.

Come here, bitch.

I love it.

Well, Derek, fun times.

Here's a, here's a joke book.

How about a hamper, Derek Larson, everybody?

Thank you so much, man.

Go.

All right.

We're flying through it tonight.

Here's your next blockable.

You guys having fun out there?

All right, thanks for joining us for your next one.

It's Nick Kano, everybody.

Nick Kano is next on Kato.

I was talking to my black friend the other day on the phone

and he was ignoring me.

It's really pissing me off.

So I was like, you know what, man?

Fuck you, go to hell.

You don't go to black hell.

That got his attention.

Yeah, he turned around real quick.

He'll black hell is crazy, bro.

Is it, you guys think hell's not segregated?

It's run by the fucking devil.

It's the most evil guy of all time.

What do you think black hell would be like,

just more every day finding out you are the father forever?

Baby's name is smoke detector.

Always needs batteries, you know?

There's gay hell.

There's two levels of gay hell.

There's top end.

Bottom hell, yeah.

Not homophobic.

I just hate people that love the gossip.

Japanese hell would just be Vietnamese heaven.

I don't know.

I think Mexican hell is actually froze over right now

because of all the ice.

I'm just really glad I don't have to go to Indian hell.

Can you imagine how bad that place fucking smells?

Holy shit.

Thank you so much, guys.

Fuck yeah.

Meccano.

Thicken with one bit for a full minute.

Great stuff, man.

How long have you been on stand-up?

A year and a half.

A year and a half.

All of it in Austin?

Uh, four words.

Okay, that's where you live now?

Yes, sir.

Awesome. What do you do for work?

I work at Big Life.

Big Life comedy club in four words.

Okay, perfect.

I actually feel like I'm in black hell.

Listen to these jokes.

Oh my god, I'm in black hell in black history month.

What the fuck am I doing?

You didn't have this problem in black hell.

You could have ended it.

You should have closed the black hell.

I should have, but I feel like that would be more disrespectful.

You know, it is black history month.

You know, put them in the front of the joke

instead of the back of the bus.

There you go.

There it is.

That was a deal.

That was a lot of fun.

Yeah, and I'm in black heaven right now.

That was a funny joke.

Nick, tell us more about your life.

What ethnicity are you?

You look like you could be fucking at everything.

I've been told I look ambiguous and I fucking hate it.

I'm 100% Mexican.

You look like a big mouth character for sure.

I fucking wish that I throw going on with you, buddy.

I fucking wish I'd probably get pussy.

Wow.

So you're 100% Mexican?

Yeah.

What are your parents like?

They are dead.

Wow.

How did they die?

My mom had like a fucking brain aneurysm.

How did your dad die?

My dad died.

Funny story, guys.

I tried to kill myself one time and my dad missed his dialysis.

So one day he woke up having a heart attack

and I was still overdosing or like,

high on Xenix.

So I had to drive him like 120 miles an hour

until like 30 minute away hospital.

Took the wrong turn and he died in the car.

Wow.

That's one of the most amazing answers to a question

I've ever gotten on the show.

So how long ago did that happen?

That was in 2018.

2018.

So I'd imagine you felt a lot of guilt.

Oh yeah, it definitely didn't help at all

that I was high the whole time.

You know, annoying it is to be woken up

at all by your parents.

Imagine being like stone high off of Xenix

and your dad's like having a heart attack.

What the fuck are you talking about, dude?

I was freaking out.

I hated it.

So I just delved into it more.

I went to jail and shoot.

Right.

I think his hell is a lot worse than black hell.

That's how you-

Good hell is a mother fuck.

That's why I go to church now.

Do you go to church now?

No, that's a lie.

Oh, okay.

You're a funny guy, Nick.

Thank you.

That's what it takes.

It takes a lot of darkness.

People with two dead parents are always very funny.

It's a thing.

I agree.

Yeah.

Everybody should kill their parents.

There you go.

There you go.

If you want to make it big,

you're hurting what you do.

That's right.

Amazing.

What other trauma do you have in life?

Um, because you said your parents were dead,

like it was nothing.

I actually do the show called Trauma Dumping,

because there's a bunch of bullshit.

This girl, one time,

I took her to go see Sam Tal and Hyena,

and she threw up all over me,

and told me she was cheating on me.

Wow.

And then said, I asked her why,

and she goes, I just find them more attractive

than you and me every way possible.

So I lost like a hundred pounds,

and yeah, it started being really mean to your girls.

You started being really mean to girls.

Yeah.

Oh my god.

And what way?

Tell us about that.

Um, like, I don't know.

Apparently, I'm not supposed to hook up with comics

because it makes things really weird.

Like, speak for yourself.

And you make anything really weird.

Yeah, I do.

Two-shay.

Wait, do you know what two-shay means?

I don't know.

I do, okay, okay, cool.

Cool.

Okay, cool.

I just shake it.

You know what?

I'm just not the shaker.

I just learned my face.

Yo, if you kill yourself tonight,

I wouldn't give a fuck.

I wouldn't give a fuck either, you know.

The guy in the gun,

I'm going to tell him to bring it back

so you can shoot yourself right in the fucking temple.

I'll send you a letter and what have I in the pin, yeah.

Goddamn it, I love you, dude.

Amazing.

Nick, before I let you go, what?

No, let him go.

Now you get the fuck out of here, man.

I love him.

There's some rope on the balcony, man.

Just fucking, just be the first time I walk before you do, man.

Hey, Nick.

Hey, tell me what I do.

Listen, look how much better I make

this garbage as comedian.

Now he's got his rhythm,

it's dark, we're having fun,

and I appreciate that.

And what I found for that,

it feels like you need to be pushed in a corner

to really be funny.

You are coming from a dark place.

And I think it's something to be said

to have as much tragedy as you had in your life

to be able to make fun of it.

Even though I'm the butt of your jokes,

I don't have a problem with that,

but something sparked you to be funny,

because other shit you did was very suicidal.

Now you're going to live.

Let's find out.

Nick Cannell, I love your style, love your jokes.

Amazing stuff.

Here's a big joke book.

Great stuff.

Fuck out of here.

Hey man, that's racist.

Oh, don't go.

Back to day.

Nick Cannell, everybody.

I just mutumbled his whole dreams.

That's too damn muddy for God.

This episode is brought to you by Whitecloth Surge.

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Chicago, Illinois.

Well, this is very exciting.

This looks like a new name.

Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen.

For Randolph Davies, everybody Randolph.

Wow, okay.

No way.

No way.

No way.

That's what I said when my masseuse told me

she farted in my mouth while I was asleep.

I was a...

I've been on the road with accounting crows

for about 35 years.

You see a lot of stuff.

You get a lot of things get you down.

Get you tense.

I try to get a massage from time to time and I

went to this.

I used to get a massage from this girl.

She started having too many seizures

so I had to stop using her.

But so I got a new girl, bigger girl.

Fat, you could say.

And a lot of that would push up on top of me

and let's get a massage, get real extra fell asleep.

And I wake up and she goes,

hey, sorry about the fart.

And I said, uh, what?

And at first I thought she was blaming me.

I'm like, sorry about you couldn't control your asshole.

And then I said, uh, I said,

my bad, it hasn't mattered with someone.

She goes, no, no, I'm the one that farted.

I'm the farder is what she said.

I said, I don't know why you would, you know, turn yourself in

after you robbed the bank.

That's not going to help your reviews.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm not going to go online and say,

Tina's super honest.

I love that.

And if you fall asleep with the right moment,

you'll put a little secret in your mouth for free.

All right, that's all my time.

Thank you so much.

Wow!

Randolph Davies.

Unbelievable.

I've never, I mean, why are you?

This is incredible, unbelievable execution,

writing, timing, beats.

It all seems genuine.

The cowboy hat doesn't fit.

You're in the top here.

But you seem like you got a lot of stories, pal.

I could tell you a few.

Wow, what was working with the counting

crows for that long, like?

I mean, I was basically the guy that tuned the guitars,

get them drugs, find restaurants,

you know, that were fun to go to,

get them padtye whenever they need it, you know?

Yeah.

One time, one time we were in New Jersey,

and Derson, I went to a regular massage parlour.

And you can always tell when it's not, you know?

The marquee's just a little bit worn down,

kind of like the people inside, you know?

And we get in there, and right away,

I don't want to do the accent, but you know who it was, you know?

And she said something I didn't understand,

and I knew what it meant, though, you know what I'm saying?

There was a twinkler and I.

Like, she was down to clown, you know?

So Adam and I went in, they only had one room,

so we had to be in there together.

And, well, a long story short,

we both got jerked off at the same time.

And this was two days before Christmas,

I learned, I looked over to them and I said,

boy, this is quite the long December, you know what I'm saying?

Wow.

Randolph Davies has arrived to the Keltoni Universe.

I've noticed that almost every one of your jokes

and stories revolve around getting on the couch.

Well, you know, life gets hard, Tony, you gotta relax.

And it's the only way for me to shut down mentally and physically,

so some people, you know, I'll play with Xbox Live from time to time, but

Wow.

Free Britney 69, if you want to find me on Xbox by the way.

That's your handle.

Free Britney, is that for Britney Spears?

Uh, no, for Britney Griner.

Oh, he picked up the toothpick and right back in the mouth.

This is a true road dog.

Lord knows this thing ain't been worse places than I have.

Wow, Randolph, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

First time.

This is your first time, first time ever on stage.

Absolutely work, continuous beats on the audience, like a pro,

like someone that's been doing it for decades.

Absolutely incredible.

What made you want to, how old are you?

55.

55.

What made you want to start stand-up here on Keltoni tonight at 55?

Well, you know, life gets crazy, Tony.

I've been living in, uh,

to make it live for about the last 14 years, right?

Yeah.

My wife, uh, my wife and my ex-wife became friends.

We opened up a winery called Oops,

which I know sounds like a joky beverage establishment,

but it's actually, you know, it's kid-friendly.

We have little petting zoo and all that shit, you know.

But, uh, my point is, you know, I just, I've traveled everywhere.

I've done everything and I just figured, you know, shit,

it's either, you know,

fucking guy or do you stand up at this point?

Wow.

You came to the right show, buddy.

Yep.

I like, bad boy.

I like her.

I got a question for you.

You say this is your first time doing stand-up?

That's right, sure.

But it's obvious that you, you had some jokes that you prepared.

How long did you think about doing stand-up before you decided you actually

was going to do it?

Well, you know,

I was told there'd be no pop quizzes on this show.

I'm just trying to get people to know,

I just want, I was trying to.

I hear, I hear, I hear, I hear, I hear, settle down, settle down.

This is why I don't want to have give good advice to try to do something.

No, no, no, no, I reach, I reach a loud and clear, I appreciate it.

You know, it's one of those things that, again, I've done it all.

I've been around the moon and back, you know.

Yeah.

And you just get to a point where you guys, what else is there to do?

But also, I got so many stories.

I don't want to put them in a book, you know.

Nobody reads books anymore.

Right.

They listen to the book or they want to go see the book live and film for them.

You're a little...

How fucking long

going to take you to decide if this is something you really wanted to do?

About 15, about 15 minutes.

Okay.

You see, you see, you see, you see, you see, I'm not a guy,

I'm not a guy, Narnel, that does.

I don't...

He's paying attention, he's paying attention.

I'm a fan.

I'm not a guy that likes to plan ahead.

Life throws so much at you.

Life is, I mean, I've, you know, updated girls.

You know, I fucked.

Pregnant girls, I fucked.

I fucked a girl with, you know, a man.

She had cervical cancer for about a month.

What was that like?

Can you describe that to us?

The sex was unbelievable.

Because she thought it was, you know,

she thought this was a rap, you know.

So we got to do everything, you know.

She beat it.

She beat it.

Shout out to Jill.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

And the pregnant women, you said women,

plural Randolph Davies.

I did, didn't I?

Yeah, you did.

What's that like?

I've never been with a pregnant woman.

Is there something that you've noticed

that's different than a pregnant woman

than a woman that isn't pregnant?

I mean, look, that's, you know,

that's like asking someone to explain the plot

of Indiana Jones in the last crusade.

You know what I'm saying?

You want to know, but you don't have time.

Congratulations.

Oh.

You have any fun stories about Courtney Cox?

I thought you were going to ask me to do the secret show.

I love that.

I'm a secret show.

No, I'm busy.

I'm busy.

I can't make it to the show.

I gotta get a warrant removed.

I do, I got a ward on my finger.

I was pregnant bitches, got it, so.

Wow.

But it was a question, Brian.

Do you ever have any fun stories about Courtney Cox, you know, Counting Crows?

Yeah, a party with Courtney a couple of times, his pre-friends, and she's wow, it's

spunky.

Yeah.

People always say Matthew Perry was a crazy one because of the whole hot tub thing, but

no, she, uh, Courtney Cox was spunky, adventurous, always, every other day, you want to go bungee

jump in or, you know, go down to, you know, go down to Yoshinoa, you know what Yoshinoa

is?

It's a fast food Chinese restaurant.

Yeah.

I mean, it's, they should call it E. coli city.

Yeah.

But she always wanted to eat there.

So to me, that was, she's a risk taker, right?

But I saw her tits once.

Yeah.

Beautiful.

I mean, I don't want to say like that's, you know, I don't know her personally because of

that, but I, you know, once you see someone have naked, you get a little bit more familiarity,

right?

Oh, it was a question again, Brian.

The perfect answer.

Now, you know, it was great.

Very funny.

You nailed it.

You were a roadie for the counting crows.

Sure.

Oh, 35 years or?

That's right.

I imagine you know how to play the guitar, right?

Are there any other instruments or special skills or talents that you have?

I was an auctioneer for a little bit, um, you know, mostly, you know, there's high

cougs, you know, my, I don't know if you, uh, well, half, I guess he's, you know, he's

all right.

He's not dead.

He's dead to me, but he's, uh, shout to Nathan, but he, you know, he's just went down the

wrong path as we all do at some point and he just needs to find his way back, you know,

but, but he would always try to course me into going down to his little slam poetry

things and, and no offense, but they're, you know, one too many Indian people down there,

you know?

Which is fine.

I just had, you know, it's, they're always coming up, you know, big counting crow fans,

you know, the Indian people.

So just a lot of questions from my side of things and I just, you know, want to be out and

joy, support my nephew and here I am, you know, oh yeah, no, I was at Sarasota 2, sir,

you know?

But yeah, so, uh, spoken, you know, if you guys want to hit me with a little, you know,

something I can give you a little bit of a, the slam poetry that I used to.

Oh hell, yeah.

Absolutely.

I could, I could listen to you and talk to you all day, Randolph Davies.

Let it rip.

The key of E, but also dealer's choice, you know, it's your show.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Randolph Davies, the Killtony debut of Randolph Davies.

Well I was driving drunk again down the 405, couldn't quite remember if I wanted to be alive.

So I opened up my book and I remembered what Captain Hook said in Peter Pan.

He said, he said, give me all them boys, give me all them girls, I'm going to take them

to the plank and watch them vanilla swirl down into the ocean, deep inside the ocean.

There might be sharks look out and big old fish and trout, maybe we can get back to land

and find my friend Stan, he has the drugs.

Stan always had drugs, I'll tell you this one.

Stan gave me a pill one time and I danced with a coconut tree for an hour and a half.

So she could move, she could groove.

But one thing I learned in this life at 55 years old is that even through a pandemic, mold is mold.

It ain't good no more.

It ain't good no more.

I'm allergic to gluten by the way.

Alright that's it, thank you so much, that's it out of me.

Randolph Davies.

Randolph, I got to tell you, every once in a while an absolute saint comes around.

My friend, you are the newest golden ticker winner here on Kill Tony.

Randolph, take that with you.

Randolph Davies, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute phenom.

I'm sure we'll be seeing more Randolph in the very near future.

Absolutely incredible.

Alright, well you guys, this is the greatest show in the world or what?

There's Heidi.

Alright, let's get another bucket pull up here, make some noise for Pat O'Neil, everybody.

Pat O'Neil.

Folks, I was watching Batman earlier and it really got me thinking, you know,

because Bruce Wayne, his alter ego is Batman inspired by his paralyzing fear of bats.

So I guess then my superhero name would be Black Man.

Man, okay, and considering how many of these superheroes get their power from radiation,

not nearly enough of them are Japanese.

Come on, Asian jokes are shortsighted.

What do I know until Wappenheimer came out?

I thought Nagasaki was about black blow jobs.

Speaking of overreaction, Samas really brought a knife to a fucking space laser fight.

Holy shit, how to control.

I'll never understand how conflict in the Middle East has lasted so long.

Considering half of them face the same way five times a day.

Fucking sneak up behind them.

Problem solved.

You are welcome, Jews.

Okay, thank you.

Wow, Pat O'Neil is done it again.

You are one of the funniest people, Pat.

How's life going, buddy?

All right, how about you?

I'm great, Pat.

I'm great.

Pat looks like this all the time, by the way.

This isn't a character or anything.

He looks and sounds suicidal, but I would try to save his life.

I'm telling you, I don't know too much about you, whatever.

But you have a very funny, funny energy.

It always reminds me of how we Mendel, how we Mendel first started, right?

He had this nervous energy, and he worked with it.

This is my first time seeing you, but you look funny.

You sound funny, and you're funny.

Hey, remember the last time you were on, you wanted to fuck that trans girl?

Thank you, sir.

I'm sorry, Tom.

I'm sorry.

You know what?

That's funny.

I'll just leave it at that.

My DMs are already blown up.

I don't need no more ton of your tonies in my motherfuckin' DM,

but I do remember that time where I misspoke.

And I said something that was inappropriate.

That's what I remember.

But just still funny.

Thank you, thank you, Tom.

Did you fuck that trans girl?

I fucking, let's get to it together, Adam.

Oh, hell yeah.

Look at that.

Someone ordered a Sharkutery board.

There's three types of crazy meat at this party.

Pat, what is your love life like?

You seem like the kind of guy that would fuck almost anything.

Matt, out of the dating game, doing that thing lately

where you're a whack off for hours before finishing.

Ooh.

Tell us about that.

What's that?

What's it called again?

Yeah, Coke.

I'm doing a lot of cocaine.

Oh.

Tough to come on Coke.

Wow.

Incredible.

Where are you?

How often are you doing cocaine?

I don't know.

No?

Yes.

No, not anymore.

Not anymore.

Deviated septum.

Oh.

Better to go to sleep every now and then.

Yeah.

You're such a funny guy, Pat.

Are you getting on stage a lot here in Austin?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just...

Yes.

Yeah.

What do you do for work?

I got fired two weeks ago.

Ooh.

Fired from...

Like a mortgage company.

What did you do to get fired?

Um...

Cocaine.

Yeah.

That's how the septum got deviated.

Yes.

I understand the nature of the show,

like a severance thing where I'm getting paid,

so I like...

It literally cannot...

Perfect answer.

I'm sorry.

No, it's great.

No, I love it.

Saying I understand the nature of the show,

but I have a severance thing,

is actually the best answer I think we've ever gotten for...

I can't be homeless.

I'm sorry.

No, it's fantastic.

If you already look at it,

you can't actually live it.

Tell us something else crazy about your life, Pat.

How did you end up like this?

Are your parents dead too?

My dad is.

Yes.

Yeah, there you go.

How did...