833 - "Good for them"

0:00Hello and welcome to the new mindset who this podcast my name is Kase Kenny Ath Kase.Kenny on Instagram and this is my weekly podcast where I create short no BS episodes dedicated to helping you become the person you're meant to be leave your complex zone and live a purposeful and fulfilling life let's go all right welcome to episode 833 hello my friend welcome to a fresh new episode of new mindset who this as always thank you so much for listening thank you for supporting me and today I want to talk about this phrase good for

1:01them good for them you know I've noticed something about myself that I would say out in broad daylight that I'm not too proud of that is a lot of the times unfortunately sometimes when I see someone doing what I want to do having results that I want to have accomplishing something that I want to accomplish my first reaction of a honest isn't to be inspired by them it isn't to be motivated by them it is my base human reaction of jealousy that's my honest truth you know someone gets an opportunity that I want it or someone announces an up a project that sounds you know suspiciously like a idea that I've been sitting on or you know someone hits a milestone before me whatever it is for a split second my brain does what I think most brains are really good at which is why them come on why them and I don't think I'm alone in this right I think sometimes what we think jealousy is this dramatic emotion that is it's for insecure people don't be jealous who but I think jealousy is simpler than that it

2:06is it is just that gut reaction even like physiological it's that tightening in your chest when someone else announces good news you know it's quickly scrolling past the the person announcing their happy moment whatever it is and then it's the rationalization we default to in our brains well they just had a connection family money you know nepot baby they got lucky whatever right and it doesn't matter if those things are true or not but I've started to notice for myself just how exhausting it is to allow this to be my default response so I've started doing something even simpler than allowing jealousy to be my default that is whenever I notice someone having a moment that I want to have and I feel that flicker of jealousy or resentment or comparison whatever it is rises service I simply say three words I simply say good for them good for them actually that's the thing good for them they got the opportunity good for them their business exploded good for them they raised $10 million good for them

3:06they got married good for them whatever it is right good for them at first sometimes I didn't really mean it when I started to say this it felt like forcing myself to you know it's kind of like forcing yourself to say thank you after you get a socks for Christmas whatever good for them I guess but I've noticed that the more that I say it the more it's kind of helped me get like really good clarity on what success actually means to me because I think most of the time if we allow our human default to kick in jealousy allows for someone else's success to become this weird like evidence against ourselves right we do this rationalization well they got something which means I'm behind they were chosen which means I was overlooked they figured it out which means I'm lost that's kind of our our rationale good for them interrupts that assumption it does it interrupts that weird human translation we do it means their success

4:08and my success are not connected it allows their success to mean something different than my success it happened for them which means it can happen in general and I think that's a radically different way to look at other people not as competitors where every point they score disappears from my side of the border has an impact on my side of the board game of life it's evidence I know it's cheesy but it really is helpful to think of it as proof of possibility their success is proof of possibility we know our tendency to compare we do psychologists have been studying social comparison forever since the 50s psychologists have proposed that we naturally evaluate ourselves not in relation to ourselves but in relation to other people we always look at the corner of our eyes to understand where we stand and now modern life and social media and everything that's given us confusion it gives us so many ways to look at other people as we look at ourselves because there's always a way to

5:12say there's someone harder or richer or happier or more successful or more disciplined or a better body or further ahead always always always always but there's research that psychologists caught upward social comparison which suggests something I think really really important which is comparing yourself with someone who appears at least to be doing better than you it's not inherently a destructive habit it can discourage you of course but it also inspired you when the intention is there a major difference is how attainable their success feels and how you interpret what you're seeing when you see their success when another person's achievement feels like evidence of your failure well yeah then it's hurtful but when it feels it's like wow this is relevant for me look at this possibility it motivates you instead it's just a different interpretation this is why like I've started to think about jealousy more or less of like oh wow that's such a bad quality and more about it just me misinterpreting

6:14information like it's like oops I've just been doing this wrong right it just it needs a better interpretation it's easier to say in our human caveman mind to say oh man they're so overrated or their nepo baby it's easier to say that than it is to say man I really wish that was me yeah it's easier to say that it's easier to say well their relationship is probably really bad behind the scenes versus man I really wish that I had that kind of love of course of course it's easy to say they got lucky then I wish that would happen to me that's the ego talking that's why I really like this just phrase throw it into your vocabulary good for them good for them and genuinely mean it because it lets you admit that something beautiful amazing happened in their life and it's not an indictment on my life hey real quick today's episode is sponsored by Square the business platform that helps sellers become neighborhood favorites Square keeps your business running smoothly from payments in POS to online

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8:18new mindset get started with square and build a setup that works the way you do. It's not it's not there's research on this too you could look at a vicarious joy sometimes psychologists call it vicarious joy that is feeling a positive emotion in response to another person's positive emotion or their good fortune it's called capitalization which finds that when you respond enthusiastically to someone else's good news it gives you positive emotions so you know it's like surround yourself with people who who you know smile and face of your joy something like that camera exactly what I wrote but you know I love that I love this idea of vicarious joy and capitalization because it suggests that happiness isn't relative their happiness doesn't take away your happiness you don't have to be the person that you know something is happening for in order to

9:19participate in their joy or minimum to participate in the inspiration of their joy your friend falls in love good for them someone gets promoted good for them someone sells their company good for them whatever you can turn it into a scoreboard or you could turn it into evidence for yourself and I'm trying to choose evidence I'm trying to choose evidence especially in the face of when I want to be like wow must be nice someone's traveling in Europe to summer must be nice someone you know you love their work and it's really good at must be nice must be nice that those aren't just words we talk about how words create your reality there's a lot of implication under those words must be nice nice for them but unavailable to me that's what you're telling your brain truly you're saying this is not available to me so I'd rather shit on them truly so it's it's not must be nice nothing like that it's good for them and then the conclusion is one maybe someday soon yes because of my hard work good for me

10:22that's the part that matters the goal isn't to pretend that you don't want what someone else has you're allowed to want it and you should vocalize it in fact comparing yourself to other people is incredibly useful sometimes talk about upward and downward comparisons I'll talk about this before if the same type of person keeps making you jealous pay attention to that person if the same type type of accomplishment makes you jealous pay attention if you keep rolling your eyes at certain people doing certain things pay attention truthfully if someone's confidence unhoys you their success the noise you the way that they travel the world annoys you that is almost like a compass that's why jealousy is a useful emotion it's a compass and we don't have to use it as a weapon against ourselves so instead of any of the realm of why did they get that they don't deserve it we ask ourselves we feel better say what is their life revealing that I want more in my life now it's information what and what can we do with information we get hacked on it maybe their success reminds you of your dream that's why good for them is if anything it's a form of optimism

11:26absolutely optimism isn't believing everything works out for everyone at all given times it's always just using your words to maintain a relationship with possibility refusing to let today's circumstances convince you that they're the permanent circumstances of your life in one way to maintain that relationship the possibility is is when possibility appears in other people's lives but not in yours someone changes careers someone meets the love of their life someone built a company someone gets the call someone makes the money whatever you can interpret that in two ways why hasn't this happened for me or wow that's interesting so that can happen so it is possible I am increasingly gravitating toward that second wow so it can happen not because you know I wish someone else getting something guarantees that I'll get it it doesn't of course optimism doesn't mean you know turning other people's lives into promises about my own life but it's refute it's it's optimism is asking me not to turn

12:33their proof of success into proof of my failure their timing is not evidence of my lack of pace their opportunity is not evidence about my lack of opportunity it is simply and to the point good for them good for them it makes life bigger scarcity makes life smaller this makes life bigger there's not just one seat one table one book deal one promotion on the table no there are many many relationships and careers and rooms and people remind yourself of that when someone has something that you want don't make them smaller so you could feel temporarily bigger right I guess that's what Chelsea kind of does just get curious what do they have why do I want it what does this mean why not me too right that's a useful progression and certainly I'm not I'm not perfect sometimes I I say good for them in a you know maybe a sarcastic sense but I need to say no no seriously seriously good for them good for them the goal is to get

13:35better at deciding what jealousy means it can become resentment or it can become information or motivation I choose I choose the latter I don't want to live in a world where other people's success threatens mine I want to live in a world where it inspires mine is contagious certainly when someone gets what they want I say look at that wow life really does have that good for them really I think that that's the healthiest happiest response you can make in life their life is not a verdict of yours they're timing is not a verdict of yours their success is not a verdict of yours it is simply an example of something good happening to a fellow human being and then whenever you see that say good for them and then follow up with why not me too good for me too right that's the idea so under right here this was helpful be sure to visit casecandy.com slash speaking if you want to know more about powerful words that you could say in your life that are backed by science and research check out casecandy.com slash speaking I travel the world teaching the language of optimism how word

14:39choice words create reality and if you work for a company an organization a community group a conference I'd love to lead a workshop to live a keynote and teach people how to use their words to create the reality they want to live casecandy.com slash speaking but that's it as always thank you so much for listening thank you for supporting me and until next episode I'm out