928: When You Want a Better Sex Life

0:00From a Stero, Florida, this is the one extraordinary marriage show. We're being busy as overdone, romantic as fun, and scheduling sex has taken the guesswork out of wondering when you're going to get some. Creators of the Six Pillars of Intimacy, I'm Tony Dilloranzo, your co-host along with my beautiful wife, Alisa. From coast to coast and around the world, thank you for joining us. It's time to talk sex, love, and commitment. Give us a call or text us on the hook hotline at 858-8765663 or send us an email to hugsatonextrotonarymarriage.com. In today's episode, we're talking about what happens when one of you wants to improve your sex life and the other seems perfectly content with how things are. And there's a quote from Henry Ford about this that says, coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success. And I think... Working together. As we get into this place where we're talking about sexual intimacy, that concept of working together to create success is going to be really important throughout this episode.

1:01But first, I have to say, I've never noticed that you do from coast to coast sideways and then around the world as much as when we've been here behind the cameras, but I'm like, oh, he does this thing. And it's this whole hand gesture. And by the way, everybody, I've done that for many, many years when we've been podcasting. And if you've ever seen us live, that is something I do often. It's from coast to coast, right? East to west. Although when I'm doing that here in the orientation that we are in our home studio here, it's actually north to south, but it is meant from east to west. And then around the world, yes. Small things. Small things. That, you know, again, when we've been behind our computers for all these years, facing one another, it has looked different. And so as we jump into this, you know, episode, we always start our episodes with a hug and a hug is really an opportunity to to celebrate transformation, to celebrate the excitement that you all have in your marriage and this hug, super short hug, which is not an indicator

2:01of anything other than it's very impactful. And it came from a Facebook direct message that Tony had gotten that said, I'm in a marriage class at church and the leader was telling me about his favorite marriage podcast. Can you guess which one? Yep. One extraordinary marriage. I was incredibly proud to tell him, hey, I know Tony. Yep. And I love to getting that. So, so appreciate it. And for all of those leaders at all the different churches, pastors, lay ministers, deacons, elders, wherever marriage ministry leaders, wherever you may lead, small group leaders, when you share about the one extraordinary marriage show, you are not necessarily giving anything more to us, which is totally okay. You guys know this isn't about the Tony and Alisa show. This is about strengthening marriages, helping marriages become intentional and take action. So go out there, share it, impact a marriage. And we've said, we've said this so many times, when you impact that marriage, you impact that family, the children in it, you impact the community that they live in and it can

3:05go far beyond that. Absolutely. And as we jump into today's episode, you know, Tony had said at the top, we're talking about, you know, kind of that tension when one of you wants to improve your sex life and the other seems perfectly content with how things are. And I can I just stop you right there real quick because this isn't, this isn't issue around the sexual intimacy pillar right there's a six pillars of intimacy, the secret to an extraordinary marriage. If you haven't read it, pick it up six pillars of intimacy.com. This one is an area that we have heard about almost from the beginning. Well we were living it in the beginning. So so yes, I would say literally since the beginning, but it's one of these topics where it's I really want to be sexually intimate. My spouse doesn't by the way, this is not a husband, wife like the husband always wants sex and the wife is the one who doesn't. Let me just say that right now.

4:05I know if you go look at a lot of our comments and different social platforms, it can be more men ticking that way. And yet we have heard many of times from husbands who wives are not desiring a better sex life and vice versa. And that's what we're talking about. We're not like this episode is not necessarily about differences in desire. You can find, I mean, we've done plenty of episodes on that. You can find books. You can find all of that. And you know, there are situations where desire is the factor here, but this episode we really wanted to go in a slightly different path in a slightly different way to get into this place of what does it look like when a husband or a wife says, I want our sex life to be better. And their spouse responds with some version of, I think we're fine, right? I'm good with where we are. And it's not about anything more than looking at how do the two of you consider strengthening your sexual intimacy pillar. You know, that one spouse that's like, Hey, why is it better?

5:08I mean, as a coach, I've sat across from people who are like, like, I've tried to get my spouse to talk about sex and I've tried to, you know, do the intimacy lifestyle. I've tried to have conversations about foreplay and I've sent, you know, we've listened to books and I've sent podcasts and I've done all of these different things. And I feel like I feel like my, I am the one just sitting here in this place of saying, why am I the only one that cares about this aspect of our marriage? It reminds me of last week's hug, you know, just the, the talking about, oh, we did it. Number one, doing a, doing a sex challenge. And the wife in particular was the one who had been reluctant was like, we're fine. And then got to a point of going, wait a minute, we're living like roommates. We're living like roommates and started to turn that around and go, okay, what can I do about this? Right. And it's, you know, first, just from the top, let's talk and give the definition of sexual intimacy, right? That is the closeness and connection that's created from all aspects of your sexual connection,

6:11whether that's, you know, initiating romance, foreplay, sexual intercourse. It is not simply checking a box. Did we or didn't we? And when you can get into these conversations as a couple where, you know, one spouse says, I want a better sex life, often the other spouse hears, well, you aren't doing enough or you aren't good enough sexually. And that's not what's trying to be communicated. It's more, hey, I want this pillar to have strength to it. I want to feel connected in this pillar. And it's why we also talk about the fact that the pillars are so interconnected because you can't, you know, bring up a topic like this that is so clearly sexual intimacy without also addressing the emotional intimacy, the ability to share your thoughts and feelings. And really dig into this place of communicating what, what does that look like? What is better for us in the season of life that we're in or in the bodies that we're in right now? But, but so many couples struggle with bringing up sexual intimacy.

7:13And this is a part I have to ask you about because we are hearing more and more of this, where one or the other does not want to talk about it at all. And here's the thing that I'm hearing more and more when it's like one is saying, I want a better sex life. I want us to be sexually intimate. I want us to strengthen this pillar. We used to have an ability to have these conversations. Now my husband or wife either way, doesn't even want to talk about it. It doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter what I've tried. My spouse every time this bring gets brought up, shuts down, says it doesn't matter. We don't need it. And I think that I think the hardship here is, and the pain here is the spouse who wants a better sex life, who they used to be in this place where they can converse and they could have these conversations. And now it's completely shut down.

8:15And I've worked with a lot of marriages where that's the case where it's like we're not having sex period, end of story. I don't want to talk about it. Is it we're not having sex or we're not even conversing about sex or having a conversation? Okay. Both. I mean, we can get it. There are, and I don't, I didn't pull statistics on this about where we are right now in terms of the prevalence of sexless marriages. But a lot of times this is the conversation that comes up. I want a better sex life. And it's been an extended period of time. Maybe your marriage doesn't quote unquote qualify as a sexless marriage, which is on average about, you know, 12 times a year, once a month. Maybe it just feels very infrequent or whatever that looks like. But getting into this place and I think you bring up a good point. Like these conversations often reveal that there is much more going on behind that conversation than just, I don't want to talk about sex. It's getting into what is this couple dealing with? What are the individuals dealing with? You know, are there unresolved traumas that are at play in the spouse that has, you

9:19know, a reluctance or a resistance to be sexually intimate? And we've seen this. I've seen this in coaching couples where, you know, early on in the marriage, things can be, you know, rolling along. But then certain things start to happen and the trauma comes back up and then it's like rrrr. And let me just say this too. I'm sorry to interrupt you on that. And Alisa says, trauma, yes, sexual trauma. And yet we're also seeing things around financial trauma where things are going sideways a lot recently in the financial intimacy pillar. We're seeing trauma when it comes to spiritual intimacy. There's some trauma that happens maybe in the body of Christ that you've been a part of or the past and what you heard and what is now coming up. You're seeing things now on social media that stirring things again that have been unresolved because of what happened at a church community or wherever it may be. There are different traumas. Right. And this episode is not about dealing with trauma. No, it's not. Like if you have, if you have experienced trauma or abuse, you need professional help, the

10:22help of a counselor or a therapist specifically to work through that. Now not every situation where a marriage is, you know, having this conversation, I want to better sex life. I think we're just fine is dealing with trauma. A lot of times behind that are resentments, disappointments hurts that haven't been addressed. And so you get into this conversation where you're like, it's just good enough, right? We're good where we are. And it's this tension of, well, if you cared about me, you'd want to do something versus, well, I think we're good right where we're at. And what I would say in this pillar specifically is that if it's coming up in conversation, it's something we need to have a conversation about because those lingering resentments hurts disappointments and the ones that are generated by not having conversations about your sexual intimacy. So it's not just like on one side, it's on both sides. Those create a chasm like the grand canyon in your marriage, right?

11:24Because when that resentment starts like it, they perpetuate themselves because as we're in this resentment cycle, we can get into a place where it's just like one little irritant builds on top of another irritant. And now we're just like, well, I, whatever, like go over there. And then on the other side, the person that's being, you know, approached is like stop with all the pressure. Like stop. And again, it comes back to we've lost the ability because of the disconnect in our marriage to have these conversations. To start with the big will like, I want you know, to have a better sex life while I think we're doing fine. It's like, time out. Why can't we even talk about this? And for those of you who are saying it doesn't matter, I got to tell you sexual intimacy in marriage is something that comes up so often. It is unbelievable. And you may be going like Tony only, so why do you got to talk about this so much? Well, because not many other people are.

12:24And then when they do, it's not between a husband and a wife. And we have been here. We have been in a place where one or the other wants a better sex life. And it's not going the way we thought. And I'm not just saying this from like 18, 19 years ago when we first started being intentional taking action in our marriage, I'm talking about a couple who's here right now going, okay, what does it look like for us on the cusp of our 30th wedding anniversary? And how does that look for Tony and Alisa and going, well, I would like a better sex life. And for some of you may go, oh, well, Tony and Alisa, you guys live out your intimacy lifestyle, you've scheduled sex. You're true. And yet, as Alisa said, when she defines sexual intimacy, it's a romance. It's the initiation. It's a forblet. It's a sexual intercourse. And all of those matter to just say we had a quick and call it good, doesn't mean we have a better sex life. It just means we had sex.

13:26It's interesting that you use that because I actually, even when I'm working with my certified coaches, one of the things I will talk to them about specifically around sexual intimacy is that sexual frequency doing it isn't simply a matter of healthy sexual intimacy. Oh, I think you were there at one point in time. It was like, oh, we're doing it. Right. Patrick, On our side of kicking a cream, we're doing theettes for the reported sp lean-back, but if the feel is specific to cord, there's a story about it. It's- I don't really talküs. Going back to like a secret moon. Like, how're you gonna get this book? All right, it looks a bit pressure. It really looks stunning. Oh, I can't remember when we were doing it though, actually. Were lazy to look at that face. is friction, it is uncomfortability. And then you get into bringing the sexual rejection into it because a lot of times that's like, well, I don't wanna do it at all now. Like we can't talk about it. And we have to step into this place of saying,

14:28what is happening underneath? What is going on between the two of us? What has happened in our marriage that maybe we haven't addressed or we haven't ever talked about or it's something that has, you know, it's not even something from the past, it's something current that we just aren't talking about that is leading to this so that we can get into a place where we start to understand what does better mean. And yes, to the point that you made, and I've had people tell me this, so like, well, so I just don't think sex matters. And I'm like, ask your spouse. Ask your spouse if sexual intimacy no longer matters for your marriage. Because it's really interesting when one spouse tells me that and I'm like, and I'll look at the other spouse and they're like, no, it still matters. But a lot of times they've heard so often, it doesn't matter, I'm not interested, I'm not gonna do that. That they'll suppress those feelings, but they're still there. It's still an area of the marriage that does support,

15:29you know, again, six pillars. It is one of those six pillars. And so it's getting into this place and stepping into this of going, what are we gonna do for us? To, for us, how do we step into this conversation? What do we choose? Because I don't believe, I truly don't believe this, that people want to have, like, nobody gets married, thinking, I just wanna have a so, so disconnected marriage. No. Like, that is not what you're thinking on your wedding day. It's not the intent you did when you said, I do. Right? And so we have to get back into this place of saying, what can I do? And what does this look like to really dig into hearing this conversation, hearing that bid, I wanna better sex life, and I think we're fine and going, what's my next step after that comes, and we're gonna talk about that after this break.

16:30We're back. And we're having kind of a lively conversation here around this whole conversation of, I wanna better sex life, and I think we're fine. And I mean, to say, first and foremost, this is a very, very big conversation. And even as we're talking about, getting ready to talk about some action steps, like, we're not gonna solve this in your marriage in one 30 minute episode. Because chances are really good, that in your marriage, this conversation, if it's happened once, it's happened many times. And maybe it's happened at different seasons, and you've worked your way through, maybe it's currently happening, and you're trying to figure it out. But you have to start first and foremost with what does better mean in this season? Because maybe there was a season where better meant greater frequency, or maybe there was a season that better means more romance. But what does better mean when your spouse says that? Don't just- So what does it mean to you right now in our marriage?

17:30What is better mean? Oh, look at Tony catching me completely off guard, because that is not what I was planning on. Better. I won't deflect anymore. Better means, I gotta think about this. And it's recorded. I know. What means I can use it? Well, can you, this is like one of those question things. Can you lead and say, I want you to think about that, but I'm gonna give you my answer first. Sure. Okay, so give me your answer. Better? I gotta think about it. I think better to me at this point in time, at this point in time. It's actually gonna go towards the initiation part. I think that's where the better would be, the ability for both of us to initiate not at the last minute, not in these, hey, you wanna have sex? In a little keyword for Tony and Alisa, by the way, is, hey, are you gonna grab a towel? Because, and we've done a whole episode of-

18:31Yeah, we've done a whole episode on this, you know, cleaning up after sex. And I think our initiation on both sides and both parts have sort of dwindled into just a, are you getting a towel? Which leaves one or both of us in a spot of, wow, well, that was really romantic. And that leads to some really passionate foreplay in sexual intercourse, right? And I'm saying that sarcastically, because it doesn't. Correct, I think they all picked up on it. Okay. I'm not worried that they are missing the sarcastum. So when I say, when you wanna better sex life, which would be, when I wanna better sex life, I think the focus for you and I really needs to be on that initiating. How are we initiating better? What does that look like now? Because I feel like it's just, it's fallen off and we have a wonderful and lovely sex life. Don't get me wrong, hun. And yet I just feel like it was last night, you know,

19:36just a text I was missing the night before, which led to the, I did apologize for missing that text as soon as he woke up the next morning, because yeah. But it was, it was a message. It was a text message that was missing the night before that led to, hey, I'm sorry I missed it. To, are we gonna do anything tonight? Are we not to then us being in the bedroom and me basically just going, are you getting a towel or not? Because I was like, I might as well. Sure, my shot. Go for it. And if she says no, then she says no, you know what I'm saying? And I think that's where the better needs to be on both our sides. Okay. And for me, for sure. I won't say it for you, for me. I'll say for me, go. I appreciate you giving me a little time to think about this. Okay, so this is where the coach part comes in. Sometimes when you ask your spouse a question like that, you can put them in a set of circumstances in a state where they feel like, oh, crud.

20:37Like I don't know what I'm supposed to answer. I need some time to think about it. It is okay to do what I just did with Tony and to say, hey, clearly you've had some time to think about this. I really did, but. Play along. Typically when somebody brings it up, like they will have thought about it. Yes. You've had some time to think about this. Can you share with me what your thoughts are so that I've just got some time to kind of think through for myself? And so I appreciate even though you hadn't thought about it that you. And if you are asking that of your spouse, you do need to return the favor. You do not get the opportunity to go, well, I don't know now after he or she has done. This is, that's not the way. Yeah, don't show up without an answer. You don't just then go, thank you, peace out and walk out the door. Like you have to stay in there with your spouse because that's where trust is built as well around all of our pillars of intimacy. It's how Alisa and I build trust with one another to go, okay, now can there be things that are set that are deflating, that are deflected,

21:38that are defensive? Sure. And yet there's nothing more just frustrating for me is if I pour out what I just said to Alisa and then she goes, cool, thanks. I got on. Okay, well help me out here, honey. I like, in this does happen in our own marriage. Like by all means, don't think that we don't have our own issues at times or in certain places and anything like that. On a podcast though, I have her attention. 1000%. I'm a little bit held captive. I take advantage of it if I get. Yes, so my answer to that question is for what would better be now? I think for myself, I think we've gotten, I've gotten, I won't make it a week. I've gotten a little lazy on just conceptually around the intimacy lifestyle. I think because. Oh yes, you.

22:40Okay, that was not a good example of what to do. I know. Yes, you have. But I had to say it, man, like, oh goodness. Okay, but, but this is why we're having these conversations, right? Because if when you bring up, what is good? I brought it up before too and you're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're good. We're doing it two times a week. I'm like, and we are, but we are. Mm. Are you keeping track? No, but we are. No, we're, you're not keeping track. I know for, for a fact last month, there are two weeks that we only had sex ones. I'm also in this really weird permit. Anyhow, stay focused with me and don't, don't make those kind of comments where you're like, oh, yes, you are. Because that's not a really good example for everybody. That wasn't a good example. No, true, but not a good example. And we're working on not just our communication, but how others communicate as well. Yes. So I think more, part of the reason why I think we've gotten complacent or lazy is that we don't have the same structure to our days in our lives. So we can be a little more like, hey, here or hey there.

23:42And so it's not this like, oh, here are the days again. And so I do think we have become, I think we've gone away from that. And I think that has just kind of been like, oh, well, and so because we've gone away from our days, there isn't that like, well, it's like, I'm in my window to initiate or you're in your window to initiate. What do you want to say without the sarcasm that is on that face right now? No, I just, I think every day is a day to initiate. Let's come to a day for Tony to initiate. All right. There we go. But that, but that really does combine this idea of defining what better means for you and having the conversation with your spouse, like engaging in conversation. And I know some of you are still going to get the, I think we're fine, right? Like, let me just, I'm a coach. I know that's still going to come up. And then it starts to dig more into this place.

24:43And this is what I would encourage, because I know some of you listening actually are the, I think, for fine spouse. And what I would say is if your spouse is bringing this up, this might be one of those, what can, what can I do moments? Again, the hug last week. Right. What can I do? If my spouse is saying, I want a better sex life. And I'm hearing what they're saying, right? We're having, we're actually stepping into an uncomfortable conversation. And we're having the conversation. And I hear them say, this is what they want. Like Tony said, you know, wanted more around initiating. And what does that look like? Then even if I think we're fine, as part of this marriage, I have an opportunity to step in and go, okay, even though I think we're fine, he is expressing this as something that he wants. So what can I do? How can I show up? And if that means I've got to do business with all the stuff that I'm dealing with that I haven't dealt with because I've got resentments and bitterness and hurt, like I got it, that's on me.

25:44I got to do that. If there's trauma, that's on me, I got to do that. If it's simply, I've gotten lazy or complacent in my own marriage, then it's also on me to step into this and go, okay, if he wants more initiating, how am I going to show up? Am I going to go back and let's just take the combination of the two things? Am I going to go back and put three days on my calendar and say, at least so you need to initiate on one of these three days, just do it. Likely, I mean, that's just totally off the cuff, but like as the coaches and I work through, what's the one small action? That might be my one small action coming out of this particular episode to say, okay, I can do that. I can put three days on the calendar and say initiate. But that's me hearing that my spouse recognizes something needs to change in the marriage and then stepping into that place of saying, what can I do? Yeah. And one of the big things too, I think, at least and I have learned over the years too, is you can say it and forget about it. And you have to be intentional and you have to be in take action.

26:45And so there have been times even in our own lives and our own marriage, we can say something and then we just sort of forget about it. And it just sort of, oh, well, we talked about it, but nothing gets resolved. We don't take action around it. And so you need to think about, okay, how are we and how am I going to take action around what was said? Yeah, it's like this is a conversation that, if it goes away, and a lot of marriages it won't go away. It will be something that the two of you will navigate for, like I said, in different ages and stages throughout your marriage. If the conversation goes away because the two of you have not talked about it for so long, I would actually, I would be concerned. It might be time to consider marriage coaching because if you aren't talking about one of the pillars, chances are good, there's a really big crack in that pillar and that somebody is feeling rejected, is dealing with a lot of bigger emotions.

27:46And it's not good for your marriage. If the two of you have taken, if one of you has taken this pillar off the table and it's not being discussed, it's not good for your marriage. And that's where you need to consider something like marriage coaching and you can check that out at oneextrainarymarriage.com, slash coaching. If this is one of those areas that just keeps stirring stuff up, don't stay in that place. Work with a coach to bridge the gap and find your way towards one another. Yeah, don't hesitate, don't wait, don't sit around, apply for marriage coaching. There's no obligation to oneextraordinarymarriage.com, slash coaching. If you want a better sex life, it needs to happen. It's small steps need to be taken. Conversations need to be had emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, and the other pillars of intimacy may need to be looked at. And so take some time this week. Think about this. And also give yourselves an opportunity.

28:46If you're the spouse who's like, I'm fine, really sit back and go, why are you saying that? What's fine about not being able to have sexual intercourse or be sexually intimate with your spouse this week? What's going on? I don't know what it is. At least I don't know what it is. You could probably be saying Tony, Elise, of this, that I get it. This is for you to determine. But I will say, if we're going to have extraordinary marriages and we believe in extraordinary marriages, all of us, we can't just look at five of the pillars and just throw the sexual intimacy pillar out the window and go, it's okay. We'll have an extraordinary marriage, but we're not going to do this. I don't see it. And the hurt I hear from both husbands and wives on social platforms, the comments we see, from both sides, it's frustrating. And it's going to be detrimental. And so don't get to that place in your marriage. Look at how you can have a better sex life. What is it you guys can do? How can you be intentional and where can you take action?

29:46You guys have yourselves a fantastic week. It's truly an honor and a blessing to have you part of the one family. Love you guys.