A Very Honest Chat About Starting Again

0:00This may be the best year yet. Let's do it. She's a mom of two. She's a newlywed. A wannabe influencer. Here's Iconic. This is your season. She's just in her season. Welcome back to another episode of in her season. Wow. I was blanking out for a second. I'm really tired. You guys Luke's traveling. So it's just me and the kids and I'm feeling it right now. Hi guys. It's Rachel and I am currently tucked in my bed right now. It is like 9.30 pm and there's no place I'd rather be than literally my bed. I'm sorry if you were expecting a video. The video's not coming this week because it is just me today and I was like there's no way I'm about to get on camera after a full day with two kids and surprise another baby on the way.

1:02If you haven't seen my Instagram post, yes, baby number three is on its way and it has been an insane whirlwind and due to the timing of live and eyes recordings and episodes and stuff, it just so happens that we could not like get together to have an episode together for this week. So I'm just going to take the bull by at the horns and I'm going to record a little something. I'm honestly just going to give you guys a little life update right now because I don't know. I don't really know what else to talk about other than what's the most prominent, which is everything that I've been going through and when I say it's a whirlwind, I really mean it. It's been a lot of ups and downs and mostly downs, unfortunately, but I know that with time, things will get better. But something that I wasn't anticipating was more of the mental aspect of this pregnancy. I wouldn't say I'm someone that really deals with mental illness, although I've had

2:06some moments in the past where I have definitely gone through a difficult time and was maybe a bit depressed, but this pregnancy in particular really, really took me by surprise in the sense that mentally, I have not been well. And that's just me being brutally honest. This first trimester and this pregnancy so far has not been enjoyable. And I don't think a lot of people sometimes feel confident enough to talk about that. But I'm just using this opportunity and this platform right now to just kind of almost use this as a video diary for myself or an audio diary. Because it can be it can be very like overwhelming and almost disappointing to have something that can be so exciting, but then to feel the complete opposite. I have two kids under the age of two currently, although my oldest is about to turn to in April. So technically, their ages are two

3:14and nine months right now. And things are in full swing. They're active. They're talkative. There's lots of emotions going on in the house. And then on top of that, the first trimester symptoms are we're just like hitting me so hard. I truly felt very depressed. And something that's weird is that we usually everyone talks about like morning sickness and how they're sick in the mornings. For some reason, mornings for me are when I feel my best. So I get up out of bed. I can eat. I try and get out of the house right away because that's when I feel best. So I know that as long as I do that, then I won't feel so bad when I start to feel sick later on. And then come like afternoon, like two, two p.m. and later, that's when I start to go downhill. That's when I start to feel really nauseous and obviously like just exhausted and not like myself. And it's really hard to not feel good and to have people need you because it feels like you

4:20can't even give yourself what you need right now. And all you want to do is crawl up in a ball or go under your blankets and just like go in futile position and be left alone, but you can't do that. And so it's I understand now when people say that like being a state home mom can truly be the hardest job out there. And I never quite understood that until more so recently like this past year and this pregnancy because it's a lot of you are on constant demand. You are in constant need around the clock 24 seven. And the only moment you have a break for yourself is if you physically leave them to go do something or if someone else is taking care of them for a while so that you can like mentally recharge. That is the only time when you have a break. And like yeah, you can go on date night or you can go to the gym. If you get a little bit of help or if you have a babysitter, but ultimately it's not a you never fully disconnect. And so in a moment again, where you're

5:26feeling so not like yourself when you so badly need to rest and you are feeling so sick and you just need to be taken care of and you need to like take care of yourself. But you don't get to do that all you can do and all that basically like the only thing you will be doing is taking care of others, especially little ones that don't really communicate. It is so so exhausting. It truly is. And I don't want this to sound like an entire episode of me trash talking or just like sounding pessimistic and negative. It's just me being brutally honest with how this has been because it threw me off my rails because I wasn't anticipating this. And to not again to just suddenly have to be dealing with depression and to be crying and to just feel so lost and feel so lonely and feel just I don't know like a shell of a human. It's not a fun place to be in when others are relying

6:32on you. And unfortunately with that then comes like impatience and my hormones have been changing like crazy. And I'm really curious to know if it's also because of how close all three pregnancies are. My first two are 14 months apart. And between my second and the third, they'll be 15 months apart. So there we are. I am having three kids under the age of three, like three under three guys. This is insane. I know it's insane because this wasn't the plan, but God has bigger plans. So that's where I'm putting my trust in. Who I'm putting my trust in. And here we are. We're rolling with it. We've got no other option, but to full send. So God speed. And here we are. And yeah, I'm you can probably tell I'm like still wrapping my head around this because there's people are like, oh my gosh, I'm so shocked. Like I can't believe you're pregnant. I'm like, girl, trust me. I know I can't

7:35believe I'm pregnant either because you know what? Natural cycles fucked up a little bit. And we were a little off. And here we are. Anyways, it's all going to be good within time. But definitely throwing first shock. So things that have like helped me get through this first trimester. Honestly, I don't know very many right now. I think the only thing that has helped me is knowing what to and like what to expect in the sense of like, okay, like I know that these symptoms are going to last until 12, excuse me, like last until like 12ish weeks. So I also know that this is like first trimester survival mode. And my clothes already don't fit me. I was so excited to get back into jeans. That's gone out the window. So there's so many things where I'm just like, okay, like this is my first rodeo. I know kind of what to expect. I'm ordering the clothes. I'm prepared this time. I'm like, there's no time to wear baggy, baggy sweats and like oversized sweaters

8:38because we're headed into spring and summer. Oh, also, by the way, pregnant for a totally different season. My last two babies were spring babies going right into summer. And I personally felt that that was so nice for like postpartum and for recovery. But this time, babies do end of September. That means I'm pregnant all throughout the summer and then going right into like holidays and winter. And I'm not going to lie. I'm feeling a little nervous about it because well, with winter comes being cooped up and comes really early sunsets. And I just haven't experienced the newborn phase in this season yet. So that's going to be new. But anyway, so yeah, the things that have been helping me in first trimester so far, I think have just truly been knowing a little bit what to expect in terms of the overall general pregnancy. So first trimester

9:40is survival mold. So I was just like, I'm just going to get snacks. Whatever I'm feeling like eating, I'm just going to eat it right away. I'm going to spend money on eating out because that's what sounds good. I don't want anything in my house. Nothing sounds appetizing to me. So there was like little things like that where it was so much easier to kind of like just make the decision instead of like feeling guilty for something. It's like, okay, I know how my body looks when I'm pregnant now. I know how my body bounces back after having a baby and maybe it'll be different this time. But I'm anticipating it to be somewhat similar. It's like, we're already in it now. I'm already in it now. So what's one more kid, right? But it's just it's a little soothing kind of like not having as much unknown in terms of like what's really going on with my body or like what to expect with pregnancy. There are some things I'm definitely doing differently. This time around

10:43I am speaking with midwives and that has been a very unique and very uplifting and empowering experience. So I guess in that actually, that is something that has helped me near the end of first trimester. I'm out of I'm actually technically on the cusp of being being done with first trimester. But going the route of getting to speak with midwives and having those be my overall care takers throughout this pregnancy has been extremely empowering and one like the most recent appointment that I had. I remember I went in there crying because I was just so down and so unlike myself and I left feeling like at this huge weight was lift off my shoulders. They were so tentative and so thoughtful and genuine and like truly truly truly paid attention to everything that I was feeling all my concerns and they were able to come up with very attainable solutions

11:48and just discuss every aspect of my health and well-being and mental well-being and the birth and babies with me in that one session. It was such a personalized care that I'm still just almost like speechless about it because after two pregnancies it's crazy how it's taking this pregnancy and taking and how I'm taking a different kind of like plan or like care for this baby to actually learn things I had just never learned before or just like never knew before because when you're going through the hospital it's very it's just a little less intimate sure you can have a great relationship with the doctor and you can talk to them and like talk them about your problems as I as I did but this is just we sat down there's no timeline as to when you have to leave and like my first point was two hours long the second one was an hour and a half

12:51and so just having that like true bonding experience and just feeling like a person and them acknowledging everything about like every concern that you had was really empowering and so that's something that's been new that is kind of it is very exciting to get to go with a different path this time for this pregnancy but that also means it comes with a lot less or a lot more anticipation because there's so many like unknowns in that sense of care but it's been a very rewarding experience thus far so yeah let me it's so funny to me how it's just like a season of life right now where there's like so many girls around me that are pregnant and I think something that's been really enjoyable with all the pregnancies has been that there's always been someone I knew that was pregnant with me so it almost feels like you have a cycle sister but it's like a

13:55pregnancy sister and that has been really exciting and I think this time with my third pregnancy I know more girls than before that are also pregnant and a lot of them are having like their second kid so it's just so exciting to get to have friends that are also pregnant I know literally you guys like six girls right now that are pregnant and just like getting to chat with them and see how they're doing and like I remember one thing that got me through postpartum with my first baby was having a couple girlfriends that also were in postpartum and so like we would text it like two a.m. we're like three a.m. and four a.m. being like hey you feeding it's like yeah are you like feeding baby if you don't know what I'm talking about um and so that camaraderie is not in a difference and I think it's so great and if you are pregnant and you have other friends they're pregnant and it's your first time like it's just so fun to get to lean on one another

15:03and to get to talk with one another about all the fun details and yeah it's it's truly like a very bonding I heard I think who I think was Miranda Kerr when she was on the him and her show with the boss sticks and she was talking about how through her pregnancies she really relied on females around her or women around her for support and I had never really thought about it before but I definitely can like that definitely resonates with me because when you're going through such a hard time it's like your husband or your partner is gonna try and be there especially but when they're not actually the ones going through that it's like it almost feels like they can only help in so many ways because they you know they they see you going through and they want to be there and they are there for you and they will do whatever it takes to help you feel better

16:07but there's something to be said about talking to other women that have like gone through pregnancy before too where you can really get down in details with them and they know exactly what you're talking about and they can just kind of like give you a hug and be like I get it sweetie like trust me you're gonna make it through like this is how my experience was too and you're not alone and just knowing that like everyone's going through it together and that it's really not always this like beautiful pristine experience where all you're feeling is like the best some woman have that so I'm not taking that away from them but unfortunately if that's all you see and then you feel differently like it can come as a bit of a shock to maybe like not be super excited right away or to feel super sick and be like what's wrong with me or to feel depressed and be like what's wrong with me and it's like our bodies are going through so much we've got so many hormones pumping through us and sometimes our best selves

17:10they cannot come out right now because we're growing something and I think that's like something that's really challenging honestly is just to know that you're just I don't know sacrifice is the right word I don't know why I have trouble saying like we sacrifice our bodies we like we sacrifice ourselves for our kids because I don't necessarily think it's like a sacrifice but there's something about doing like having this beautiful gift which is getting to be pregnant having a baby and going through these changes to grow this baby but also knowing that you don't feel like the best version of yourself that is like really challenging because I can say for sure something that I was well something that I was anticipating was baby number three to come much further down the road after calum not so close and age and so part of my excitement with

18:16waiting was getting my body back and getting back in the gym and getting to feel physically really well again and that's not really happening this time and I think it's just there's just so many things that happen with pregnancy where it can totally throw you for a loop but ultimately I just want if anyone else is pregnant listening out there to know that like no we all know like we're all going through it together no one is alone and it's just it's just a whirl one of a time and it's this chapter of life and this like era of getting to be a young mom and getting to grow babies and do support around us and um yeah anyways I'm a little tired and so I'm just gonna keep rambling and I know guys this this this episode is just like a pregnancy like word vomit life

19:19update TED Talk ultimately okay I love you guys bye