A Very Honest Chat About Starting Again

This may be the best year yet. Let's do it. She's a mom of two. She's a newlywed.

A wannabe influencer. Here's Iconic. This is your season. She's just in her season.

Welcome back to another episode of

in her season. Wow. I was blanking out for a second. I'm really tired. You guys

Luke's traveling. So it's just me and the kids and I'm feeling it right now.

Hi guys. It's Rachel and I am currently tucked in my bed right now. It is like 9.30 pm

and there's no place I'd rather be than literally my bed. I'm sorry if you were expecting a video.

The video's not coming this week because it is just me today and I was like there's no way

I'm about to get on camera after a full day with two kids and surprise another baby on the way.

If you haven't seen my Instagram post, yes, baby number three is on its way and it has been an insane

whirlwind and due to the timing of live and eyes recordings and episodes and stuff,

it just so happens that we could not like get together to have an episode together for this week.

So I'm just going to take the bull by at the horns and I'm going to record a little something.

I'm honestly just going to give you guys a little life update right now because

I don't know. I don't really know what else to talk about other than what's the most prominent,

which is everything that I've been going through and when I say it's a whirlwind, I really mean it.

It's been a lot of ups and downs and mostly downs, unfortunately, but I know that with time,

things will get better. But something that I wasn't anticipating was more of the mental aspect of

this pregnancy. I wouldn't say I'm someone that really deals with mental illness, although I've had

some moments in the past where I have definitely gone through a difficult time and was maybe a bit

depressed, but this pregnancy in particular really, really took me by surprise in the sense that

mentally, I have not been well. And that's just me being brutally honest. This first trimester

and this pregnancy so far has not been enjoyable. And I don't think a lot of people

sometimes feel confident enough to talk about that. But I'm just using this opportunity and this

platform right now to just kind of almost use this as a video diary for myself or an audio diary.

Because it can be it can be very like overwhelming and almost disappointing to have something

that can be so exciting, but then to feel the complete opposite. I have two kids under the age of two

currently, although my oldest is about to turn to in April. So technically, their ages are two

and nine months right now. And things are in full swing. They're active. They're talkative.

There's lots of emotions going on in the house. And then on top of that, the first trimester

symptoms are we're just like hitting me so hard. I truly felt very depressed. And

something that's weird is that we usually everyone talks about like morning sickness and how

they're sick in the mornings. For some reason, mornings for me are when I feel my best. So I get

up out of bed. I can eat. I try and get out of the house right away because that's when I feel

best. So I know that as long as I do that, then I won't feel so bad when I start to feel sick later on.

And then come like afternoon, like two, two p.m. and later, that's when I start to go downhill.

That's when I start to feel really nauseous and obviously like just exhausted and not like myself.

And it's really hard to not feel good and to have people need you because it feels like you

can't even give yourself what you need right now. And all you want to do is crawl up in a ball or

go under your blankets and just like go in futile position and be left alone, but you can't do that.

And so it's I understand now when people say that like being a state home mom can truly be the

hardest job out there. And I never quite understood that until more so recently like this past year

and this pregnancy because it's a lot of you are on constant demand. You are in constant need

around the clock 24 seven. And the only moment you have a break for yourself is if you physically

leave them to go do something or if someone else is taking care of them for a while so that you can

like mentally recharge. That is the only time when you have a break. And like yeah, you can go on

date night or you can go to the gym. If you get a little bit of help or if you have a babysitter,

but ultimately it's not a you never fully disconnect. And so in a moment again, where you're

feeling so not like yourself when you so badly need to rest and you are feeling so sick and you

just need to be taken care of and you need to like take care of yourself. But you don't get to do

that all you can do and all that basically like the only thing you will be doing is taking care of

others, especially little ones that don't really communicate. It is so so exhausting. It truly is.

And I don't want this to sound like an entire episode of me trash talking or just like sounding

pessimistic and negative. It's just me being brutally honest with how this has been because it

threw me off my rails because I wasn't anticipating this. And to not again to just suddenly have to

be dealing with depression and to be crying and to just feel so lost and feel so lonely and feel

just I don't know like a shell of a human. It's not a fun place to be in when others are relying

on you. And unfortunately with that then comes like impatience and my hormones have been changing

like crazy. And I'm really curious to know if it's also because of how close all three pregnancies

are. My first two are 14 months apart. And between my second and the third, they'll be 15 months apart.

So there we are. I am having three kids under the age of three, like three under three guys.

This is insane. I know it's insane because this wasn't the plan, but God has bigger plans. So that's

where I'm putting my trust in. Who I'm putting my trust in. And here we are. We're rolling with it.

We've got no other option, but to full send. So God speed. And here we are. And yeah, I'm you can

probably tell I'm like still wrapping my head around this because there's people are like, oh my gosh,

I'm so shocked. Like I can't believe you're pregnant. I'm like, girl, trust me. I know I can't

believe I'm pregnant either because you know what? Natural cycles fucked up a little bit. And we

were a little off. And here we are. Anyways, it's all going to be good within time. But definitely

throwing first shock. So things that have like helped me get through this first trimester.

Honestly, I don't know very many right now. I think the only thing that has helped me is

knowing what to and like what to expect in the sense of like, okay, like I know that these symptoms

are going to last until 12, excuse me, like last until like 12ish weeks. So I also know that

this is like first trimester survival mode. And my clothes already don't fit me. I was so excited

to get back into jeans. That's gone out the window. So there's so many things where I'm just like,

okay, like this is my first rodeo. I know kind of what to expect. I'm ordering the clothes. I'm

prepared this time. I'm like, there's no time to wear baggy, baggy sweats and like oversized sweaters

because we're headed into spring and summer. Oh, also, by the way, pregnant for a totally

different season. My last two babies were spring babies going right into summer. And I personally felt

that that was so nice for like postpartum and for recovery. But this time, babies do end of September.

That means I'm pregnant all throughout the summer and then going right into like holidays and

winter. And I'm not going to lie. I'm feeling a little nervous about it because well,

with winter comes being cooped up and comes really early sunsets. And I just haven't experienced

the newborn phase in this season yet. So that's going to be new. But anyway, so yeah,

the things that have been helping me in first trimester so far, I think have just truly been

knowing a little bit what to expect in terms of the overall general pregnancy. So first trimester

is survival mold. So I was just like, I'm just going to get snacks. Whatever I'm feeling like eating,

I'm just going to eat it right away. I'm going to spend money on eating out because that's what

sounds good. I don't want anything in my house. Nothing sounds appetizing to me. So there was

like little things like that where it was so much easier to kind of like just make the decision

instead of like feeling guilty for something. It's like, okay, I know how my body looks when I'm

pregnant now. I know how my body bounces back after having a baby and maybe it'll be different

this time. But I'm anticipating it to be somewhat similar. It's like, we're already in it now.

I'm already in it now. So what's one more kid, right? But it's just it's a little soothing kind of like

not having as much unknown in terms of like what's really going on with my body or like what to

expect with pregnancy. There are some things I'm definitely doing differently. This time around

I am speaking with midwives and that has been a very unique and very uplifting and empowering

experience. So I guess in that actually, that is something that has helped me near the end of

first trimester. I'm out of I'm actually technically on the cusp of being being done with first trimester.

But going the route of getting to speak with midwives and having those be my overall care

takers throughout this pregnancy has been extremely empowering and one like the most recent

appointment that I had. I remember I went in there crying because I was just so down and so unlike

myself and I left feeling like at this huge weight was lift off my shoulders. They were so

tentative and so thoughtful and genuine and like truly truly truly paid attention to everything

that I was feeling all my concerns and they were able to come up with very attainable solutions

and just discuss every aspect of my health and well-being and mental well-being and the birth

and babies with me in that one session. It was such a personalized care that I'm still

just almost like speechless about it because after two pregnancies it's crazy how it's taking

this pregnancy and taking and how I'm taking a different kind of like plan or like care

for this baby to actually learn things I had just never learned before or just like never knew

before because when you're going through the hospital it's very it's just a little less intimate

sure you can have a great relationship with the doctor and you can talk to them and like talk

them about your problems as I as I did but this is just we sat down there's no timeline as to when

you have to leave and like my first point was two hours long the second one was an hour and a half

and so just having that like true bonding experience and just feeling like a person and them

acknowledging everything about like every concern that you had was really empowering and so

that's something that's been new that is kind of it is very exciting to get to go with a different

path this time for this pregnancy but that also means it comes with a lot less or a lot more

anticipation because there's so many like unknowns in that sense of care but it's been a very

rewarding experience thus far so yeah let me it's so funny to me how it's just like a season of

life right now where there's like so many girls around me that are pregnant and I think something

that's been really enjoyable with all the pregnancies has been that there's always been someone

I knew that was pregnant with me so it almost feels like you have a cycle sister but it's like a

pregnancy sister and that has been really exciting and I think this time with my third pregnancy I know

more girls than before that are also pregnant and a lot of them are having like their second

kid so it's just so exciting to get to have friends that are also pregnant I know literally you

guys like six girls right now that are pregnant and just like getting to chat with them and see how

they're doing and like I remember one thing that got me through postpartum with my first baby was

having a couple girlfriends that also were in postpartum and so like we would text it like

two a.m. we're like three a.m. and four a.m. being like hey you feeding it's like yeah are you

like feeding baby if you don't know what I'm talking about um and so that camaraderie is

not in a difference and I think it's so great and if you are pregnant and you have other friends

they're pregnant and it's your first time like it's just so fun to get to lean on one another

and to get to talk with one another about all the fun details and yeah it's it's truly like a very

bonding I heard I think who I think was Miranda Kerr when she was on the him and her show with

the boss sticks and she was talking about how through her pregnancies she really relied on females

around her or women around her for support and I had never really thought about it before

but I definitely can like that definitely resonates with me because when you're going through

such a hard time it's like your husband or your partner is gonna try and be there especially

but when they're not actually the ones going through that it's like it almost feels like they can

only help in so many ways because they you know they they see you going through and they want to be

there and they are there for you and they will do whatever it takes to help you feel better

but there's something to be said about talking to other women that have like gone through pregnancy

before too where you can really get down in details with them and they know exactly what you're

talking about and they can just kind of like give you a hug and be like I get it sweetie like

trust me you're gonna make it through like this is how my experience was too and you're not alone

and just knowing that like everyone's going through it together and that it's really not

always this like beautiful pristine experience where all you're feeling is like

the best some woman have that so I'm not taking that away from them but

unfortunately if that's all you see and then you feel differently like it can come as a bit of a

shock to maybe like not be super excited right away or to feel super sick and be like what's wrong

with me or to feel depressed and be like what's wrong with me and it's like our bodies are going

through so much we've got so many hormones pumping through us and sometimes our best selves

they cannot come out right now because we're growing something and I think that's like

something that's really challenging honestly is just to know that you're just I don't know

sacrifice is the right word I don't know why I have trouble saying like we sacrifice our bodies

we like we sacrifice ourselves for our kids because I don't necessarily think it's like a sacrifice

but there's something about doing like having this beautiful gift which is getting to be pregnant

having a baby and going through these changes to grow this baby but also knowing that you don't feel

like the best version of yourself that is like really challenging because I can say for sure

something that I was well something that I was anticipating was baby number three to come

much further down the road after calum not so close and age and so part of my excitement with

waiting was getting my body back and getting back in the gym and getting to feel physically

really well again and that's not really happening this time and I think it's just there's just

so many things that happen with pregnancy where it can totally throw you for a loop but ultimately I

just want if anyone else is pregnant listening out there to know that like no we all know like

we're all going through it together no one is alone and it's just it's just a whirl one of a time

and it's this chapter of life and this like era of getting to be a young mom and getting to grow babies

and do support around us and um yeah anyways I'm a little tired and so I'm just gonna keep

rambling and I know guys this this this episode is just like a pregnancy like word vomit life

update TED Talk ultimately okay I love you guys bye