Acceptance Is The First Step (2364)

This journey has been absolutely brutal in many many many ways and I think one

of the things that I really had to do to get to where I am today is accept and

let go of things that I thought I was supposed to be that I never really was

supposed to be. I think a lot of self-improvement starts with not liking

something about yourself. That's where it starts but not where it should

finish. Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host Kevin Paul Mary and I'm

your co-host Alan Lazarus. At NLU we believe in a heart-driven but no BS

approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers. Our goal with every

episode is to help you level up your life love health and wealth. We bring you a

new episode every single day on topics like confidence self-belief self-worth

self-awareness relationships boundaries consistency habits and defining your

own unique version of success. Self-improvement in your pocket every day from

anywhere completely free. Welcome to Next Level University. Next level nation

today for episode number 2,364 acceptance is the first step. I got a great

question from somebody yesterday. I have a I have a local pizza shop okay right

within walking distance of the house. So last night we worked a little bit late

still doing Zah. No not lately. I haven't retired from the game fully you know

but I've been doing tuna salad and a turkey sub. That's been my that's been my

go-to cheat meal. I don't know you've kind of fucked up pizza for me I think I

don't know if I can ever really have it again. I still been hammering old-food

pizzas for sure. Oh okay. There was enough pizzas and 50 per pizza. Whole thing. Whole

pizza for 9.50 calories or food. Calories. Calories. I meant or dollars. 9.50 for a whole

thing. These are food. 9.50 points. 9.50 calories for the whole thing. Yeah. Yes. Yeah

man. Can hammer a whole pizza. Totally fine. I dig that. I can have two of those. Okay.

Question from somebody. This person said how did you slash how have you

gotten to the place where you're okay with and please the way this question is

worded it's not disrespectful it'll just sound like it. How have you gotten

comfortable with not being the one not being the leader not being the guy

quote unquote. Someone had a pizza joint asked you that? No. No this is something else.

Yeah but what I was walking I was walking to get my pizza. Got it. And I

didn't tell those stories. You were telling 101. I interrupted myself and then

then you interrupted me and then I interrupted you and it was just we lost

the we lost it. Nice little walk though. A couple minutes down the street. It's

beautiful. So I love it. You can. So you got a WhatsApp message. I get a WhatsApp. No,

I got a personal message. A personal to my phone text message. Nice. Because my

number's out there in the world brother. You know what I mean? My number's out

there in the world. People text me. It's terrible. Okay. It's terrible. Not

really. Point. This person's awesome. Be playful. You know it's good. They

asked how did I get to the point where I am okay understanding that I'm not the

guy. Right. That was a big thing for me for a long time. I started the hyper

conscious podcast. I was the host of the hypercom. I needed that shit in the

beginning to to think that I was any level of valuable. And I sent a message

over. And I said, I think number one, you have to understand that you you bring

a certain unique value to any relationship you're in. But if you're always

comparing to the value the other person brings you never going to see your own

that's one. And then to I accepted that I wasn't supposed to be Alan. I accepted

that I was never going to be as extraordinary. That doesn't mean I can't chase

it forever. But I accepted that my natural tendencies, my who I am by nature,

is different than Alan. I should maximize that. But I don't I can't spend my

whole life trying to be Alan. I did that. And that wasn't good for either of us

just like you tried to have your own unique version of me. And that's not that's

not the way to do it. But I think the the answer to to kick it off today's

episode is you have to accept the truth. And you've witnessed this a lot

recently, whether you've been watching or listening like Alan has been hitting

me with some hard quote unquote feedback. But that's not hard for me. I we've

talked so honestly behind the scenes. And I think that's one of the reasons I

try to be as honest with myself as possible and accept what is truth. Because

at least then you can you can do something about it. I don't want to live

under delusion. I really don't I don't want to live under delusion because I've

done that before and it was terrible. Yeah, yeah. Because then it all comes

crashing down at once. Yeah. Not good. I didn't realize that I've been hitting

you with a lot of hard truths lately. What do you mean? You said I've on the show.

I've held you back. That was one. I got him listed written down. No. That was

one of the last episode you hit me with a couple. Like you're definitely

worse than I thought you were with that. Oh, I'm not saying that about you. You

were saying I know. I know. I know. But again, whether you're watching or listening

worse than I thought, but still better than you thought. Yeah, that doesn't

matter. I think me thinking you're better than you thought. I only care what

other people think about me, not what I think. Then you should go back to

ice. Don't worry about what I think about me. You let me figure that out. You

let me figure that out. This whole thing started out with acceptance. And I have

this pyramid of the self that I wrote an article on on LinkedIn a while back. I

think it's how to build yourself from the ground up. Yes. On my LinkedIn, if

anyone's curious, boom, we'll link in the show notes. I'll put it production

team. I'll put it in the show notes. All right. So the pyramid of the self

starts with self awareness, then self acceptance. So self awareness is

number one, which is hard because we have a psychological immune system that

protects us from painful truth. You've seen inception, right? I need to watch

it again. I a long time ago years. Exactly. You'll blow your mind the

second time. Now, now that you know what you know about the psychological

immune system, it's going to be it's really something, man. Seriously, it's

unbelievable. But anyways, so in that movie, if you've never seen inception, they

they go into someone subconscious and unconscious mind and they try to plant

an idea. It's called inception. Christopher Nolan, strong work. No, but that's

essentially what you're trying to do in coaching in a way. I was just on with a

new client. Shout out to you, Rafael. What's happening? I said, this is how my

coaching works. This is what I'm doing. Inputs outputs, but I drew it all out.

Tech, I said, have you ever seen inception? She said, yes. And I said, okay,

that's essentially what I'm doing. But I'm doing it with your consent. She said

perfect. Awesome. I said, I'm going to try to reprogram you for success. She said

awesome. Okay. And I'm going to do that by helping you think accurately about

yourself, others in the world. Cool. Whereas acceptance in this, I'm getting

there. Now her psychological immune system, aka her ego is going to come up. I used to

never do this. And when it happened, when you tell people in advance that something's

going to happen, and then it happens, it's less concerning. It's like, see, okay, we

knew we were going to ego bunk. Let's just take a minute. So I said, I'm going to

trigger you at times. And your psychological immune system is going to want to say,

fuck you to me. It's going to no matter what it always will. Now, I want you to

when that happens, because it's going to happen, I want you to sit with it. And let's

talk it out. The psychological immune system protects you from facing the truth. So what's

an example of this that I think is good. Okay, this is one that everyone can relate to.

When you're getting a little fat, your psychological immune system tries to convince you you're

not getting fat. You and I protect each other from that by you saying, Ellen, brother,

getting a little fat, but you know, I want to hear that, right? Because I don't want

to dilute myself into thinking I'm something I'm not, because then you step on stage and

get laughed off the stage metaphorically. Okay. So all that being said, self-awareness is

step one, but that's the hardest step. It's easy to say, hey, did you know that my town

we grew up in has only 14,000 people in it? Okay. There's no, oh, my ego. Oh, no, I thought

that I grew up in a big town. Like, but if I say, hey, Kav, you're getting a little fat,

that's an attack. Okay. I don't think you are. I'm just, this is hypothetical. Okay. But

I did at one point and I came at you slightly, but your ego comes up to defend against protecting

its self from itself and from other people. Okay. Now, that being said, self-awareness is

the hardest part. So you can't self-accept if you're not self-aware. So it took me a long

time to realize certain truths about myself that were statistically abnormal. I had to get

a lot of evidence. So coaching 29 people now, I have a lot of evidence that I'm weird. In

the past, if someone called me weird, I would be like, what do you mean? I'm normal as shit. I

didn't say that, but I wouldn't know what they meant. And I wouldn't trust them either.

Because like, what do you mean? I'm weird. Like, you're fucking weird. I'm joking. Obviously.

All right. So my point of this is, you basically, your mind is set up to avoid pain that it

thinks is going to be detrimental to your progress. This is from an evolutionary perspective. All right.

So self-acceptance. If you are getting fat, it's going to be very hard for you to notice until

you post that photo on Facebook and realize holy crap, or you take a photo with the iPhone with

the wrong light. And it's just like, oh my god, you're wearing white. The next of a hope

foundation every time those shirts, dark blue, baby. Yeah, brutal shirts. But at the end of the day,

wouldn't you rather see that you're getting overweight and then do something about it?

But your ego protects you from that. So everyone right now think of someone who

you can't give them a lick of truth about themselves. They just can't face any hard truth about

themselves. They're basically in so much unconscious and subconscious pain that they have a huge ego

protecting them from the truth. And unfortunately, that's why usually death of a loved one,

death of a pet, car accident, big traumas, suicidal ideation, you in your mid-20s,

those those ego deaths are necessary for you to face all of what is except it and then rebuild

from a new foundation. It's so hard to do to your point like, I don't know, you just don't wake

up one day and say, you know what? I'm really going to become super self-aware and then I'm really

going to practice self-acceptance and I'm going to really get my shit together. The training

montage is always after something. Always after they have not devastating something. Right?

After they lose the game or whatever. They don't just like they get left by the girl or

what? Yeah, or the guy. The movie never starts that way. Never starts that way. So that makes

it super hard. But I think this is the other thing too. What have you had to accept about yourself?

Oh my god, you didn't want to. I went to I went to the golf simulator with Matt recently

and it's just like it's just a stud. The dude is just a stud. Yeah, for sure. And it's like,

I'm never going to be mad. I've been in the bar with Matt. It's not a good experience.

You know, it's hard to win. It's hard to win that it's you're not going to win. I'm not going to

win. Right? Like you have a shot at least. Yeah. That like, dude, I want to be six two and have

a full beard. Of course I do. But I think that's the thing that a lot of people get stuck on. They're

like, no, I don't fucking want that. I know. That's dumb. Oh, really? You don't want to be

you don't want to be a fucking stud. I do. Yeah. I do. I want to be a stud. I want to be six to

I want to look like Thor. Who does that? For sure. Jesus. Who does want to look like Thor? For sure.

Or Superman or whatever. So that I think, I don't know. I feel like I got dealt a shit hand

when it comes to being five foot five. I do. Statistically, you did. I kind of did. Yeah. You

got dealt a shit hand with that. What percent of men are five foot five or lower? Believe

the average height is five eight. So you got to say less than I got a new P code. It was it's not

expensive. I think it was like ninety seven dollars. And when I got it, I'm two 10 now. And I put

it on it. I couldn't move. And immediately it's like, did you check where it was manufactured?

And I was like, no, you think I had time to check where it was manufactured? So again, I don't want

this to come off wrong. She said, Ellen, when thing when when clothes are popular in Asia,

they're going to be smaller. Like Asian men's statistically speaking are smaller. And I was like,

that makes perfect sense. Now, I know I just made myself sound like an idiot right there by

not thinking of that. The truth is, I just saw it. I wanted to get I needed a new coat. It was

quick boom. So I am donating to you. I don't mean there's to be be a little. I'm not kidding. I'm

not kidding. Yeah, I have a coat for you in my in my basement. I'm gonna give it to you next time

we see each other, which will be it next of all, but I don't own a coat. It's a P code. It's nice.

It wasn't that expensive, but it's nice. Moving on up. So yeah, I've had to let I mean that.

I've had to let that go. One of the like the hardest thing in the beginning is when you and I

go somewhere, it's like you're always going to get the attention. Yeah, but you can capture a

room. But nobody's going to remember me. They're not going to remember me like they, if I can get

in and I can make people laugh and I can make people feel good, they can remember me, but you're

not going to remember me if I walk by. I had to let go of that. And I think the hard part is,

there's so many people that try to save you from that. Like, no, Kev, that's not true. It is

statistically true. I'm not saying that I'm, I'm married to a gorgeous wife. Awesome.

It all worked out. I'm not saying that things are terrible. I'm not saying that. But like,

there are some things I'm not going to dunk a basketball. I'm not

that. Do you think that the people that try to save you from that truth? Those truths are also

denying their truths? Probably to a degree slash they don't understand how

comfortable for a lack of better phrasing. I've gotten with it.

No, I'm not, I'm not comfortable by choice, but you, you have to, right? If you really want

the truth, you have to get to a place where eventually, well, why that matters. This is so good.

Because dude, one of the, I've thought about this a lot. I'm always thinking like, how did he

do this? Like study, I'm not studying thinking, contemplating. Because,

well, let me just be very, when we were in high school, you know, I graduated near the top of

my class, like blah, blah, blah. I wouldn't have been on Kevin Ball-Merry. And I'm not trying to be

mean. If that, you weren't like, I thought you were very athletic, I thought you were jacked, but

I never saw you as like destined for success. Now, there's a couple people in our class that I

definitely did, right? I can name some names. You would recognize them. Yeah, they're destined for

success. For sure. Okay. You weren't on the list with love. Okay. And I know people like, well,

Alan, what a dick. Why is that mean? Why can't I just say a lick of truth? Like, well, because

where you on the list, do you think you were on the list? If they didn't accept it yet, then

that same thing, if they didn't accept it in themselves, maybe they're trying to save me from it.

And again, that's the truth I want. I want the truth. Yeah. Okay. Well, well, okay.

What I was thinking about recently was, how did you do this? And one of the ways is truth.

You really don't avoid uncomfortable truths. It's been really refreshing.

But I coached a lot of people, whatever, it's very, your ability to face hard truths is higher

than most for certain. I'm certain. 100% certain, not the highest I've ever seen, but statistically

top 1% for sure. Like people don't like to think they're fat. You know, I mean, dude, if you were fat,

when you got fat, you immediately were like, yeah, I'm fucking fat.

Big, but it's because I know I can do something about it. No, it isn't. You still would own it.

And what if you know you can do something about it because you admit it? That's fair connected.

What I would say though, this is like the unsung hero for me is I've always been jacked.

And like, I know how trivial and like, that's a running joke we have, but you have to understand

that gave me like so much comfort for lack of better phrasing. Like I almost was always in the best

shape in almost every room I was in all the time until I started bodybuilding. I was like, oh my

God, these people are super humans. I am, I am nothing compared to these people. This is

absolutely, it's a different world. This is absolutely terrible for anyone out there watching

or listening. What I hope lands in this episode in particular is the value of facing that you get

something back. You get something when you face a hard truth. Yes, yeah. What you get back is the

ability to respond, the responsibility. So if you admit you're short, now you get to go, okay,

that's true. Women statistically don't want short men. Totally true. Anyone who denies that is

wrong, okay? Ask, I've interviewed, ask, it is what it is. Okay. Now, you have something you can

do about it. See, if you don't admit that truth, you're not going to increase and put time and

effort into the other areas that are more important that are also important to women, right? Obviously,

short is negotiable for Taran. That's great. But you had to work on other parts of your character

to make sure you were of value. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I, like I said,

I was a loser pre-pubescent. Sister was popular in high school. I got pity dances. I know what it's

like to have no value to the opposite sex. Seriously, I went from backstreet boy to complete little boy

while everyone else became a grown ass man. Okay, I'm 37. I still barely have facial hair. The point

that I'm making though is when you face hard truths, you now, you can build from a place, you can

make effective choices, you can accept it and work on it. Why would you, and this is what I would say,

why would someone work on something they didn't first accept as true?

You know what I think really matters? It closes the loop. It closes the loop on it.

We all have these things that, to your point, you're just not allowed to talk about.

No, so taboo. This part, they get a drinking problem. Don't fucking say anything. It's going to make

it weird. That's because they haven't admitted it yet. But if they admitted it, that might,

that conversation might be able to be out on the table. But what happens is everyone tiptoes

around that elephant in the room and then they never face it. But it's because they're never forced

to face it. But who's job is it to get them to face it? I know, responsibility is it. Yeah,

right? That's, I don't like to tiptoe around, because if you really care about someone,

you try to say, hey, like when I was drinking too much and too often, I had a couple people

who were like, hey, man, are you okay? Like, is everything good? And of course, I was like, I'm fine.

Totally fine. Of course, I wasn't ready. Right? There's an readiness thing here. But

there's something to be said for facing hard truths about life and yourself in advance

that makes you more equipped for success. That, 100%. If you and I are getting out of shape,

we need to notice it and rectify it or accept it. And I don't think that, I think that that's

what the ego does. It's this weird double edged sword where the ego protects you from hard truth,

but it also stops you from facing what could actually transform your goddamn life. That's why

the car accident changed my life is because all hard truth at once was traumatic, but it also helped

me create the foundation to rebuild my life from because all the identity, all the I'm this on that

was all gone. It was like a fresh start in a way of like, okay, I really have messed up my life.

I'm not proud of who I've become as a man. And I need to change that. And unfortunately,

sometimes it takes that kind of feedback to change things. And I think that, I don't know if you

can manufacture that in a podcast, but I do know that no one's gonna raise their hand and say,

I don't have a growth mindset. Who here is healthy, wealthy and in love? Who here is not gonna raise

their hand to that? Who here is on point? Who here is dialed in? I was on with a call earlier.

I said, where are you sucking? She's like everywhere. I said, no, no, specifically. And first of all,

definitely not. That's the irony. She's probably awesome. And she's like, I suck everywhere. And then

someone who's actually sucking is like, nowhere, I'm the fucking man. No, you're not. Have you seen a

mirror? What are we doing here? I want to see people win. I know I sound like a dick. You've got to

face the hard truth because it's going to help you. Not because I want to be toxic, not because I

want to be mean, but because it's going to help you. I thanked you for calling me out because

I, you were right. I was a little delusional. You got to pop the balloon while it's small. Otherwise,

it's going to devastate you. Well, that I think the, the hard part is the bigger the balloon,

the more pain it takes to be willing to pop it. Yeah. Unfortunately, I think we should do part two

on this, like therapist, a coach, whatever. You need something. You need something. I think we should

do a part two on this because I think I'd like to dive deep into what the journey of this has been

because I don't know. There's got to be lessons in there that I don't know yet. For sure. And I'm

always like, I'm always trying to figure out how to accept more. Same. Always, always, always. We'll

do a part two. Let's do a part two on this. All right. Next level fitness accountability group.

If you're trying to get jacked, whatever jack means to you, you want to be consistent for the first

time. Maybe when it comes to fitness, a new routine, whatever diet exercise, whatever it is,

we are there to support you. It's an amazing group of super supportive people. Everybody in there

is freaking awesome. So reach out to Alan or myself if you are interested.

The first step to self improvement is actually self awareness and self acceptance.

If you're really great, you have to accept that. And maybe people don't like you. And it's

hard to get along with people or belong. Or maybe you don't believe in yourself and you have to

accept that too. So if you want a coach who's going to be very honest with you and upfront with

you to help you not to hurt you, my coaching is available. It's more affordable than you think. I

love it, particularly with the right people. But if you have a huge ego, I'm not interested at all.

Don't even consider it. As always, we love you. We appreciate you.

grateful for each and every one of you. And if you are as committed as you say you are to getting

to the next level, make sure to tune in tomorrow because we will be here every single day to help

you get there. Keep leveling up to reach your full potential. Next elimination.

Thanks for joining us for another episode of next level university. We love connecting with the

next level family. We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to

us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes. Thank you again and

we will talk to you tomorrow.