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About this Episode
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Hosts & Guests
Transcript
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And as a mutual insurance company, we're built for our customers.
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And you know what that music's saying?
Yes, Amos. That music's a good health to all from Rexall.
The Amos and Andy show transcribed written by Joe Connelly and Bob Mosier featuring Ernestine Wade, Johnny Lee, Amanda Randolph, Roy Glenn, Gene Vanderpile, Jeff Alexander's music.
Yours, Julie Harlow, Wilcox, and starring radios all-time favorites, Freeman Gossden and Charles Correll.
Lima, Sur Andy.
How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? I am Freeman Gossden.
This coming Wednesday, Rexall's big one-cent sale begins.
This is the famous sale where you get two guaranteed Rexall products for the price of one plus a penny.
It's a marvelous opportunity for you to stock up on your drugstore needs for months to come.
And on every item you buy, you get twice as much for just a penny more.
So this week, Wednesday through Saturday, be sure to shop and save at your friendly Rexall drugstore.
It's Rexall's great one-cent sale.
Well, this afternoon finds Andy Brown of all places at an exhibit of modern art over on Lennox Avenue.
Right now, he's standing in front of a large, impressionistic painting trying to make heads or tails of it.
Venus, Descendants, their case.
That ain't nothing but just a mess of color.
That painting looked like the Kingfisher seal and the time we was cooking the spaghetti and meat balls and the pressure cooker blowed up.
Well, I guess that...
It is lovely, isn't it?
Oh, I don't think it's very...
You know, uh...
Hell, no.
I noticed you admire in this painting. I'm the model that posed for it.
You mean to say that you were somewhere in this mess?
Yes, I posed at the artist studio for three weeks.
Oh, well, that explains why it turned out so bad.
Well, the honey baby, like you in the room, it's a wonder he got anything on the canvas at all.
Why, how sweet.
Yeah, well, don't need to make my acquaintanceship with you.
I, as Andy Brown, the well-known single Bachelor.
Well, how do you do?
My name is Constance. Constance Lamar.
Hmm, that's a pretty name, Constance. I always like that.
Back on my father's farm, my favorite hog's name was Constance.
That's nice, I guess you were fond of her.
Yeah, yeah. Constance, we have in a chair.
Hey, she was a gal that I've seen on the calendars and on the magazine covers, Constance.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, Constance, I was a...
Is there something wrong?
I don't know. I tell you one thing, I never felt this way around the hog.
Well, you say that you were the model, huh?
Well, I pose occasionally, but I'm also studying art.
Yeah, well, tell me something, maybe.
Maybe some night, well, if you ain't busy, maybe you and me could step out.
Next Wednesday, they haven't ladies night at the pool hall.
Well, I don't know, I'm awfully busy with my posing and my art studies to tell you the truth.
I wouldn't know how to go about recreation.
Shake hands with the old athletic director.
Josh, can't they stand this coming here? I want to speak to you.
No, oh. The bull moose is calling to his mid.
Uh, what is it, my charming sweetheart?
George, me and Mama ran into Andy Brown on the street today.
Yeah, I never see such a sad, lovesick experience in his bag home,
when I old Beagle tried to slew you with a pocket pie.
Yeah, the boy has really frustrated up with that model, Constance Lamar.
He bought the picture of her from the museum.
He moops over it all day, Venus descending the staircase.
I sure feel sorry for Andy.
I see that girl slashing down the street showing off a figure.
She ain't done but a husband.
Now listen, Mama, just cause you was an old burnout friend us for the clinkers,
don't knock her in and beat her.
I still say she's a husband.
I look alright too, if I wore one of them lambs, wool, sweaters,
and used all their makeup creams on my face.
Now listen, Mama, they get the wool for them sweaters from a sheep,
and they get the landland for the fierce creams from a sheep.
But Mama, you could take a sheep and share it, skin it, stew it and brew it,
and that animal still wouldn't come up with nothing that would do you no good.
Well, I feel sorry if I ended too.
I ain't never seen a man that crazy about a girl.
Why, he was telling us he was thinking of taking some kind of personality course.
Oh, thinking of taking one of them personality courses, huh?
Well, if the boy is looking for coos in this way,
you don't have to go out and spend no money at one of them schools.
After all, as his friend, I can help him.
I can give him all the charm and culture he needs.
After all, you know, I used to be known as, uh...
Dandy Stevens.
Dandy?
You bet as Dandy as a Ryan Oswars and a French baton suit.
Well, whether he can do it or not, Mama, is beside the point.
I think it's wonderful, just a wonderful gesture,
for George to offer the help Andy like this.
Yeah, after all, the boy is desperate.
He is in love with his gal, I ain't never seen him in love like this.
He'd do anything to win her.
It's a pitiful thing.
Well, George, I just want to say that whatever you does to help Andy,
you're going to come out of this whole thing with a much bigger heart.
Yeah, and if I play as McCartes, right,
I can come out with a much better pocketbook too, or I'll give you...
Well, King Face, I don't give you the 50 bucks.
You think you can help me?
Now, certainly I can end it.
I got the money right here. I told you I'd do it through 50.
Now, it ain't got to be no problem giving you charm and culture.
Now, all you need is a few etiquette lessons.
Yeah, well, I show hope you can do something.
I have so much in love with this conscience that I can't eat or sleep.
Well, and another first step in etiquette is how to enter a room.
Yeah.
Now, how does you enter a room?
Well, usual by the door.
You know, I can see the desire to de-slip in you here,
why we're going to have to unegrate you, too.
Well, explain to me about entering a room.
Now, let me give you an example.
Let's say that Emily Pulse was coming to call here at the large hall.
Yeah, let's say that.
All right, well, the first thing Emily Pulse would do
is to knock gently on the door with her lawn yet.
And then she would say, eat there.
No one wasn't within.
And I'd say, on tray, she'd say mercy.
And I'd say, voila, sachet la door.
And then she would enter.
And then looking neither to the left nor to the right.
She'd cross to the other side of the room
with her head held high, majestically, in the air.
Well, the Miss Pulse was coming.
You better move that cuspid arc,
or she's going to all fall smack over it, I'll say.
And then, before we goes on here,
another point of charm and culture.
In the 400, the tobacco chewing set never refers to the instrument
in question as a cuspid door.
They know it, huh?
No, Andy.
Those in the door refers to it as a brass casserole.
And I'll remember that.
But Kingfisher, I don't think we can ever get me cultured
up enough for a high-class gal like Constance.
Every night you see a name in the paper going out
to someplace or other with some so-ciety fella.
Well, Andy, that's our angle.
We are going to make her think that you as a dash in society,
playboy.
Well, now how are we going to do that?
Well, Andy, we are going to start off by showing her with presence,
candy, flowers, and everything.
What you mean?
Well, now look, Andy, every morning,
we are going to have a dozen roses
sent to her penthouse apartment with your name on it.
And then the first thing every evening,
a five-pound box of candy with your name on that, too.
Oh, is I going to take them up there?
Oh, no, Andy, we're going to prepare the way for you.
We'll get Algonquin J. Calhoun to take them up there
and make you look like a big shot
with your own personal delivery man.
And then after these maneuvers,
and we are softened up for a week with the flowers and candy,
then we move in for the big attack.
Yeah, well, I would do that, General Eisenhower.
Yeah, I can see it all now.
You shows up some evening with white tie and tails.
She opens the door.
Yeah.
She sees you standing there.
And at this moment, Andy,
this beautiful gal falls right in your arm.
Oh, she fall right in my arm.
You got it in your arm?
Yeah.
She's your.
Yeah, she might not.
In your arm.
Yeah, I got it.
Now, come on, Andy, let's talk to Calhoun about taking the flowers
and candy up to her right away.
Wait a minute.
Get this gal out of my arm, Joe.
I ain't going to carry her all over town like that.
I ain't going to carry her all over town like that.
I ain't going to carry her all over town like that.
Well, King Fish, here's Constance Apartment House, building.
Thanks for coming this far with me to give me the immoral support.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's home, Andy.
I see the light up there and a apartment on the top floor.
Yeah.
Oh, King Fish.
Let's go home.
I have two nervous to go through with Andy.
Now, what you mean, Andy?
Calhoun has been taking her down the presence of flowers
and candy all week with your name on them.
Right now, she's all softened up for you.
Oh, me.
I'm still nervous.
How'd I look in my white tie and tails?
Well, you look like a real playboy, Andy.
And you smell high, Clears, too.
Hey, by the way, what is this perfume you've done sprayed all over me?
Oh, that's a special brand that I hooked up myself.
Andy, it's a mixture of Chanel number five and DDT.
It's stuff that tracks women's but keeps off the flies.
You see, wait a minute, Andy, wait a minute.
Somebody's coming out to go over to the apartment building.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, it's constant.
Yeah, it is, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I go, King Fish.
Uh-oh.
She's got a man with her.
Come on, me.
Yeah.
He's a good looking fella, too.
Look at him there.
Yeah, look at that.
He's walking over there, getting better to get in that care,
but to curb.
Yeah.
Maybe they're talking business.
After all, she's a model.
He might be an artist.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Hmm.
Artist, huh?
I tell you one thing.
And from the sound of that laugh, he must be the boy
to paint in September morning.
Oh, no, ma'am.
They ain't no hope for me with that gal, King Fish.
That was a real high-class fella, too.
Come on, let's go home.
Yeah, about a wee, innit?
I noticed that when she got into care there,
she was wearing a corsage of your roses.
Well, there's one thing that I hope.
That when he was waiting up there in her apartment,
he wasn't getting his strength up on my candy.
Good evening.
This is your Rexall family drugist with money-saving news.
This coming Wednesday morning, April 15th,
the doors of Rexall drug stores everywhere
will open on Rexall's tremendous one-cent sale.
The sale where you get two absolutely top quality,
guaranteed Rexall drugstore.
Where you get two absolutely top quality,
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Yeah, Emma, you see before you a poor broken-hearted man.
Yeah, well, Emma, I knew you're crazy about this.
Constance Lamar, but you got to forget this gal.
You're going to get yourself sick the way you're moping around here.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
But I still got Calhoun taking her those flowers every day.
Yeah.
And the king fresh found out who that fellow was
that she went out with last night.
And we watched the apartment and he went out with her every night this week.
Oh, they're going steady, huh?
Yeah, he's an artist.
His name is Salvador Jackson.
Oh, Salvador Jackson, you know, out here to him.
Yeah, he's doing fine.
Illustrated for magazines and all that stuff.
Oh, he's really wealthy, isn't it?
Oh, you got to forget this gal.
You just got to stop carrying the torch.
Yeah, I guess you're right, Amos.
I know I should stop carrying the torch, but every time I look at that picture of Venus
going up and down downstairs, the pilot light keeps flickering.
We'll end in.
Wait a minute.
I'll get it.
Uh, hello.
Uh, hello, Andy.
This is the king fish calling.
Uh, I don't think it oughta weird to solve your problem with constant.
No, no, king fish.
It's all over.
No, no, Andy.
Look here.
You can't give up now.
Look, the weird thing is that your big rival is this painter Salvador Jackson.
And the way to cut him out is to make him think that she is in love with you.
Well, how are we going to do that?
Well, now Andy, look here.
We raise up some romantic love letters to you
and signs her name to him, Connie.
And then we shows them to this Jackson fella.
Now, when he sees them, he's going to think that she's in love with you
and he's going to drop out the picture.
Say, that's a great idea, king fish.
I'll be right over to the lodge hall.
Yeah, what's up, Andy?
Uh, I can't tell you, Amos, but the next time you see me,
I'm going to be Mr. Venus descendant of the stairs.
King fish, why is we writing these love letters on a typewriter?
Well, so, uh, Salvador Jackson will recognize a handwritten, dummy?
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.
Well, read what you got so far.
Well, I start off here.
Says, dear honeymoon and a baby.
I am crazy about you.
I have a deep affection, affection, uh, affection.
Oh, well, look, King fish.
That he using these big words can't get just right in there that she loves me.
Listen, Andy.
I'm going to let her ill fill off this typewriter last week.
She could be nuts about you, crays about you, mad about you,
but there's one thing she can't do,
and that's the love you on this typewriter.
Oh, go ahead, King fish.
Do the best you can.
Now, let's see here.
Uh, my honey, I...
Uh-oh.
There goes the care.
She can't kiss you no more neither.
I got it.
Uh, let's see, I got it here.
Nope.
There goes the ass.
Oh, me.
Now we've done lots of smoothing and sweet art.
Yeah, they're losing all these letters.
Uh, she then took the fire out of this room, man.
Yeah, the most romantic thing that you can do now in this machine,
is space bar and shift key to gal.
Yeah, we ain't getting no place, King fish.
What is we're going to do here?
Well, I'm just thinking, Andy,
you know that gal that works down at the delicatessen store
to wind it always right in portrait?
Yeah.
Uh, for about five books,
I think we could get her to write up a batch of love letters.
Yeah, yeah.
The gal at the delicatessen store.
I'll go down and see her right now.
Yeah, but Andy, uh, you better tell her
wash her hands before she writes the letters.
As always, found it's sure that the room
has to have your love letters smell like marinated heron.
Hello, Andy.
Uh, what's that again?
Oh, yeah, that's fine, Andy.
Good.
You got them all written, huh?
Well, now look here, after you show the love letters
to the Salvador Jackson fellow,
I'll fool me again and let me know how you made out.
Yeah, that's really, you got some real hot stuff there, huh?
Good.
Get on over there now, Andy.
So long, boy.
I told you it's working fine.
If Andy shows them letters to Jackson,
he won't have no more trouble and eyes in 50 bucks.
Oh, how you cowl, who must it matter?
King fish, where's Andy?
I've got some news for him.
Uh, what is up, Cal?
Who do you look all excited?
Well, you know that girl, Constable Lamar,
that Andy crazed about,
the one I've been to live in to Canada in four hours,
two every day?
Yeah, well, what about her?
I just found out she's married.
Married?
Not only that, she got a husband.
Holy mackerel, this is terrible.
Yeah, and guess who the husband is?
Salvador Jackson.
Lamar is just her professional name.
Salvador Jackson.
Oh, no.
Yeah, and they say he's the most jealous man that ever lived.
So he'd kill anyone that even as much as he looked at his wife.
He used to be a football player before he was an artist.
Calhoun, this is terrible.
Andy don't know this,
and he is on his way up there now to show this Salvador Jackson
about your phone and love letters signed,
kind of Lamar.
Oh, Calhoun.
I got a head Andy off somehow.
He's on his way there.
And what do you do to Andy?
He's going to take that bar
and drop kick him into that great end zone into sky.
Oh, the smoke.
I has done sent my buddy to a sure dust, Calhoun.
Ain't there nothing I can do?
Yeah, there's one thing you can do.
Oh, what is that?
Call up Woodland Cemetery and tell him to start digging the guest room.
At Amica Insurance,
we know it's not just what's inside your home that matters.
It's who you share it with.
That's why we work even harder to protect it.
And as a mutual insurance company,
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We prioritize your needs
and are here for you when you need us.
Amica, Empathy is our best policy.
Visit amica.com and get a quote today.
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This coming Wednesday, April 15th,
Rexall's gigantic one-cent sale begins.
The sale where you get two unconditionally guaranteed Rexall products
for the price of one plus a penny.
Will you tell me how that works?
Well, here's an example.
The regular price for the 100 tablet bottle of Rexall Aspen
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But, during the one-cent sale,
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You mean I just add a penny and get twice as much?
Exactly.
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George Stevens, you mean to tell me that Andy Brown
is on his way there right now to read them.
Phony, love letters to the Gals, husband?
Oh, yeah, it's all my fault.
All my fault.
Never mind that, bold.
The man will probably kill it.
George, you're just going to have to do something.
You just got to stop him.
I know what is too late.
He's probably talking to the man right now.
Wait a minute.
I think I got it.
Suppose he thought that Andy was some kind of a nut
who didn't know what he was talking about.
What'd you mean?
Yeah, that's it.
Convinced this man that Andy is a crackpot.
Yeah, I'll borrow a white coat from the butcher
and get right over there now.
George, this is a crazy idea.
This will never work.
Well, I've got to try my only chance.
I've got to see my buddy Slay.
Hold him away.
Here I go.
I'm going up there now.
Well, Salvador Jackson's secretary
he'd be with me in a minute.
He's just finishing up painting the picture.
Yeah, nice studio he got here.
Pictures on the wall.
Hmm.
Look at this photograph of this big bruise
right here in the football uniform.
Say, Frank called Jackson the terror
of the National Football League.
Must be Salvador's big brother.
After all, he's artist.
My secretary said you wanted to see me.
Oh, yeah, Mr.
I got some letters here and I
excuse me for protruding, Mr.
but that's a nice picture of your brother on the wall there.
My brother?
Yeah, the fellow there in the football uniform
with the shoulder pads.
That's not my brother.
That's me and I'm not wearing shoulder pads.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Hey, you show is a big fellow, ain't you?
Just what do you want?
Well, I, uh, I, uh...
You ain't thinking of going on a diet or nothing, do you?
No.
Yeah, well, that wouldn't do me no good from back later.
You said something about letters?
Uh, yes, Mr. Uh...
Well, ain't no sense beating round the bush.
I has got proof here that Connie Lamar is in love with me.
Connie in love with you?
Come now.
Oh, it's true, Mr. Salvador.
I got the love letter she written me right here in my pocket.
And I know what you're going to do after you read them.
Yes, I'd like to see those love letters.
Yeah, well, here you is.
There you go.
Uh, just a minute.
Come in.
Yes?
What is it?
It's not a white coat, Mr.
but I was looking for a man who was irresponsible for what he said
if he already said it.
And if he has said it, I won't get him out here for we do say it.
That's all I wanted to hear.
Just...
What is all this?
Yeah, King Fish.
What are you doing in that white coat?
Uh, uh, uh, this is the boy right here.
Uh, he called me King Fish.
You see that, Mr. He thinks I'm a bird.
Uh, come along, little friend.
Back to the cage, if you will, please.
Just a minute here.
Do you mean to say that he's a fugitive from some kind of an institution?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He has done fused away from us this morning.
Uh, he doesn't slip away while he was changing the wall mattresses on his padded cell.
I'll wait a minute, Chair.
Don't worry, Missouri.
He ain't dangerous, uh, just irresponsible, unfortunate case.
A couple years ago, uh, he was walking by a tall building when a potted plant fell
from the 15th floor and went right through his skull.
What right through his skull?
Oh, yes.
Here's every spring of beautiful geranium sprouts out the back of his head.
He has to get a hair cut in a prune and jaw, but at the same time.
Oh, yes.
Yeah, he was troubled with air for us, you see?
Yeah.
Listen, Mr. I don't know what the King Fish is talking about here.
I had just come up here to show you some love letters that they say.
Oh, now, day go again.
Not now.
Now, I got this plan and plan words.
Uh, just what's the matter with the man?
And I want you both to listen carefully.
Now, ever since he'd been hit on the head,
he writes love letters that he said would rip by some gal,
and he comes up and reads them to some fella,
and the fella he shows them to,
is always the gal's husband.
As you get what I talking about, patient.
King Fish, let's go out and prune that geranium.
Well, he finally brightened up a little bit.
Good for you, patient.
From now on, we can cut down on the voltage on your shock feed.
We'll save a little on the electric build.
Now, see here.
What is all this nonsense?
Well, now, just forget the whole thing, Mr. Salvador.
See you again.
Come along, patient dear.
Yeah, it's all along, Mr. drop in and send me some time next spring
when I'm in full bloom.
I'll give you a cut rate on a bouquet of geraniums.
Oh, that was something, boys.
Mr. Jackson turned out to be kindest husband.
Yeah, image you see.
Lamar was just her professional name.
Yeah, boys, I got the boy out just in time.
He must have...
If I'd got that one minute later,
we'd be having a big blue suit party right now in the lodge hall.
On the end, it would be enjoying the festivities
from a horizontal position.
That's right.
If Calhoun hadn't found us out today,
I'd have been the late Andrew H Brown.
Yeah, Calhoun fine.
I know she was married.
Really saved a day for you, innit?
Yeah, well, her being married.
Yes, then, scared you off.
Good, huh, innit?
Yeah, I guess it is.
You must, uh, when it comes to dosing the torch,
why, I ain't no bigger fire extinguisher than a gale's husband.
You know, my dear,
I don't know what happened to Andy Brown.
He was so interested in me.
But neither my brother, Salvador,
I can figure out what scared him away.
Can you?
Ain't nobody going to know that for a long time.
This is Harlow Wilcox with your money-saving tip of the year.
Rexall's tremendous one-cent sail begins next Wednesday morning.
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where you get two guaranteed Rexall products
for the price of one plus one-cent.
And this unmatched offer applies to literally hundreds of drug and household needs,
plus more than 60 super bargains, items like bath towels, candy,
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Rexall's sensational one-cent sail Wednesday through Saturday,
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the store with the orange and blue sign.
And don't forget, ladies and gentlemen,
this is National Boys Club Week.
No subversive isms exist in boys' clubs.
The boys are talked to love America,
and to be tolerant and fair,
toward all individuals and groups.
Support the boys' clubs in your community.
Thank you, Anne. Good night.
See you next Sunday.
Remember Rexall's gigantic one-cent sail begins next Wednesday morning.
The sail that gives you two guaranteed Rexall products for the price of one plus a penny.
Remember next Wednesday through Saturday,
just stop inside a Rexall store by twice as much for a penny more.
Your Rexall drug has presented the innocent and issue transcribed
and directed by Cliff Hall.
This is the CBS Radio Network.
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