André Butler - Sep 12 - 1:00 pm

0:00Propel Fitness Water With Gatorade Electrolites, Zero Sugar, and Vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolites Chronic Migraine is 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting 4 hours or more. Botox, on a botulinum toxin A, prevents headaches and adults with chronic migraine before they start. It's not for those with 14 or fewer headache days a month. It prevents, on average, 8 to 9 headache days a month versus 6 to 7 for placebo. Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection causing serious symptoms. Alerture doctor right away is difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue, and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS

1:01Lugeric's disease, myasthenia, gravis, or Lambert Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. Why wait? Ask your doctor, visit BotoxCronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44 Botox to learn more. Visible puts unlimited 5G data and hotspot in the palm of your hand, powered by Verizon's 5G network, with no contract holding you back. And for a limited time, you can get visible for just $19 a month for 12 months when you use promo code Save6. All the features of big wireless service, for half the cost. Tap the banner to switch today. Terms apply, standard rate applies at month 13. See visible.com for plan features and network management details. All right, today we're continuing our series called Happily Ever After Question Mark. And we've been citing this for a while, and I'm just not done. I think there's more for us to talk about. You might agree with me, there's more to cover. So in this series, we've been talking about the fact that most people grew up thinking that one day,

2:04they would meet the love of their life, they would get married and they live happily ever after. But that for too many, that has not been the reality. Too many have found that their home lives are miserable. They have unmet needs, they're dealing with constant conflict, and that's not what God wants for us. God actually wants us to be happy at home. He actually wants us to have that happily ever after, and the Bible shows us how to do that. And so what we've been doing is walking through the Bible and showing one another, what it says about the topic of relationships. Today, I want to talk about, I think it's maybe one of the most important parts of this. I mean, when people say marriage is work, this is what they talk about. You're gonna talk about sex, that's not work, that's fine. This, we're about to talk about this is where the work is. If you get a hold of this, you will have a wonderful marriage. If you don't, you won't. It's that simple.

3:05And so I'll say it this way, to live happily ever after, you must learn to talk like love talks. Learn to talk like love talks. Because love isn't just what you feel, it's how you communicate. And so let's go to Amos chapter three, and I'll show you what I mean. Amos reverse three says this, can two walk together, so might say together, unless they are agreed, so might say agreed. What's the idea here? Well, you know, this is a basic truth. You can't have two people go in the same direction, be united without agreement. About where we're going without agreement, period. And one definition of marriage is that is two people walking together through life. In fact, I like a definition we've used before, a pastor defined marriage is ultimately one man

4:08and one woman becoming one, naked in a garden, working together and walking with God. So marriage is two people walking together, but they cannot do so successfully if they are not agreed. But agreement cannot happen without communication. Last night, my family, we went to Olive Garden to celebrate my oldest daughter's birthday. She turned 23 today. I feel old. Anyway, but you know, it's not the first time we went to Olive Garden as a family, but one of the times that we went, we did not do a good job of communicating. So we basically said we're going to Olive Garden and half the family ended up in an Olive Garden in a whole different city. We picked up, where are you at? Where are you at?

5:09Where are you at? Well, where are Olive Garden? I mean, the problem was communication. And that's the picture of what happens in relationships. We can't really walk together because we aren't communicating well. You must communicate well if you're going to have a happy marriage. In fact, you look at Genesis chapter 11 and verse 6, this is the story of the tower of Babel, where mankind came together to build a tower, to reach toward the heavens. And it was a problem. And God said this, look, the people are united and they all speak the same language. And after this, nothing they said out to do will be impossible for them. So come, let's go down and confuse the people with different languages. Then they won't be able to understand each other. So what's going on? Because the people are able to speak the same language because they are communicating well. They're working together. They're about to accomplish something that seems impossible

6:11because they are successfully communicating. And that's what God wants in marriage. He wants you communicating. He wants you united. He wants you to be a power couple doing the impossible for him and your family. All right, we'll just keep going. The Am I at chapter 8? You're going to walk together in life? Communication is key. You must communicate to be happy at home. The Am I at verse 8? Here's the time where they brought the people of God together. They're reading in the Bible. And it says, so they read distinctly from the book and the law of God. And they gave the sense, or in other words, the meaning, and helped them to understand the reading. They helped them to understand the reading. Well, this tells me something that it's quite possible to hear and not understand. Anybody agree with that? It's possible for somebody to say something to you and you heard them, but you didn't get it.

7:13Like I could right now open my Bible and I can just start reading scriptures to you and depending on what I'm reading to you, you might not get it. But the key, the purpose for communication isn't for words to be spoken or for words to be heard. The purpose for communication is for that understanding to be reached, for there to be understanding, right? In fact, the Bible even tells us that about the Bible. It says that God's words are life, their power to foes that find them. In other words, that understand them. The Bible says in Proverbs 4, 7, get wisdom and all you're getting, get what? Understanding. So we can learn something about communication here as well. And that is that communication is only effective when what is said is understood by the hear. It's only truly communication when the other person understands.

8:14In fact, I came across a couple great quotes. One says communication isn't complete when words are spoken, is complete when they're understood. Somebody else said, you think you said it but if they didn't understand it, you didn't communicate it. And somebody else said the biggest mistake in communication is thinking that it happened. Because you said something you think communication happened and it didn't. So we went and said, you got to communicate to be happy at home, but we got to add to that. You got to communicate well to be happy at home. And this is where things get tricky because men and women are very different. The world tries to tell you that they're the same and you can decide to be a gender. You know, bottom line is from a biological standpoint, from a biblical standpoint. Men and women are extremely different and they speak seemingly different languages. There was a very popular book that came out years ago and it was Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

9:15Anybody ever heard that book? Yeah, a lot of you have. Well, that's true, Men's be Martian and Women's be Venucia. Right? I mean, we just speak entirely different languages but somehow we're supposed to understand each other to actually have a successful relationship. Sometimes we need a little help to help you with that check out this video. Hey babe, you seem quiet today. Is everything okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I got you, girly. Who are you? I'm a male translator. I'm just as serious as we got going on. I'm fine and need. I'm still processing the problem. Or it means I don't think talking about this is going to solve the problem and I'm a problem song. That's what I do. Oh, okay, I guess. Do you want to go see the new movie tonight? I don't really want to do that. Tonight, maybe another time we could do that. Probably just gonna actually go with Josh and you know what I'm doing.

10:17Oh, okay. That's fine, have fun. I, in fact, am not fine and do not want you to have fun. I would rather you spend time with me and spend time with Josh. Oh, I mean, okay, that's the case. We can't go through movies. That's okay. We don't have to go now. Go hang out with Josh. I thought she didn't want me to go. Now I'm upset because you didn't pick up it in the first place, which is wild. I don't want you to do it because I want you to. I want you to want to do it. Look, let's just go eat, okay? Where do you want to eat? I don't care. Here we go, okay? So I want to help you today. I want to give you 10 rules for communicating and marriage. All right. You're all ready for it? Number one, you got to commit to doing it.

11:17You got to commit to communicating. Matthew 18, 15 says this. If another believer sends against you, go privately and point out the offense. One other word, tell him is when translation says. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. So the idea here, if someone else, someone does something to you that you are not happy about, they missed a mark because what the original Greek says here, because New Testament translator from the Greek, your job is to actually address that issue and really to address it in a timely manner. Now, what we do, if we're not careful, is instead of addressing the issue, we sweep the issue under the rug. We just kind of just keep going. And when you do that, you're kind of like that kid whose parent keeps telling them to clean up their room.

12:17And every time they're told that, they just keep stuffing things in the closet. And eventually, somebody's going to open a closet door and get hit with an avalanche. And that's what happens in relationships. You just keep sweeping something under the rug and at some point there's an explosion. And so that's just not the best way to handle things. God's word actually says, if you have a problem with someone, it's something they did bother you, go to them and tell them. In fact, you'll see this again, Luke 17 in verse 3, he says, if another believer sends the ideas against you, rebuke that person. Then if there is repentance, forgive. The word rebuke here means to censor. It actually also strands that elsewhere to forbid. Sometimes people ask me, what pastor, what role does boundaries play? And walking in the love of God. How do you walk in the love of God? But still have boundaries. Well, here's your answer. There is a place for saying this

13:17as a problem for me. This is not acceptable to me. There's a place for communicating that and you really should communicate that. Once again, where couples get in trouble, is we give the silent treatment. And we try to ignore this. We try to avoid this conversation. We don't want to deal with the uncomfortableness of it. But what you do is you create an uncomfortable home, a toxic environment, because you don't handle this the right way. So it's important to develop this habit. Now, sometimes what happens is we don't want to talk about it immediately because I'm angry right now. And I'm trying not to say something I shouldn't say. So somebody will say, you know, hey, what's the matter? Oh, nothing, I'm fine. Well, you're lying. That's a lie. And lies are bad, all of them. It is better to just simply say, yeah, there's something wrong. I'm just not ready to talk about it right now.

14:18But we will talk about it. And make sure you come back and actually talk about it because once again, you do need to deal with this. God doesn't want us having unresolved issues in our relationships. Not only in our America, but even in our church. Sometimes what happens is that people have a problem with, you know, the minister or somebody on the staff or somebody in their group or something and they don't address it. And they just leave. And I've had to happen to me a number of times over the years where one guy reached out to me that I passed her and this is when I was in Atlanta. And a young guy, a newest family, love this family, love to him. I didn't know he had a problem with me. He reached out to me probably a decade afterwards on Facebook and said, hey, I need to tell you what's happening here. And bottom line is that he had a problem with how I handled something and he was right. And I apologized and then I explained to him what happened. There were some mitigating circumstances he didn't know about.

15:19And we made it right. But for 10 years, I didn't even know. I've had people lead the church and, you know, people will be upset and you never even get a chance to fix it. And the Bible is telling us here, if you go to them, you might win them. You might fix this. But that can't happen, even including in your marriage, if you aren't willing to commit to making sure we communicate when there are issues. All right? Number two. Oh, let me say one more thing about this. We do need to be careful about allowing minor problems to create major issues in our marriage. And what I mean by that is somebody didn't take the garbage out. Somebody went into the garage and messed with my tools. Somebody didn't fold the towels right. Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade Electrolites, Zero Sugar, and Vitamins.

16:23Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolites. I get so many headaches every month. It could be chronic migraine. 15 or more headache days a month. Each lasting four hours or more. Botox on a botchaline mtoxin A prevents headaches and adults with chronic migraine. It's not for those who have 14 or fewer headache days a month. Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection causing serious symptoms. A lurcher doctor right away is difficultly swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue, and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lugeric's disease, Myasthenia Gravis, or Lambert Eaton Syndrome, and medications, including botchaline mtoxins as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

17:25Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit BotoxCronicMyGreen.com or call 1-800-44 Botox to learn more. Visible puts unlimited 5G data in hot spot in the palm of your hand, powered by Verizon's 5G network, with no contract holding you back. And for a limited time, you can get visible for just $19 a month for 12 months when you use promo code SAVE6. All the features of Big Wireless Service, for half the cost. Tap the banner to switch today. Terms apply. Standard rate applies at month 13. See visible.com for planned features and network management details. And so instead of us just addressing this, hey, you know, this is an issue, let's fix it. We turn it into this big thing, and we have a problem in our relationship. With holding affection, I'm with holding intimacy, you know, because you don't help around the house. These are minor issues. If you were to talk to somebody that's in Iran right now, or in Africa,

18:26where in Nigeria, where the Muslims are literally walking into Christian villages and massacring Christians, and then you were to say, you know, my husband, we aren't really that cool. We don't have a great relationship because he don't help me around the house. They will look at you like you crazy. They're happy that their husband's still alive. Right? These are first world problems. And what that is is that's being spoiled. I have to have what I want, when I want, how I want, or I'm not going to be a good husband or wife to you. That's childish. And that's one of the things that's destroying relationships. So yes, when there's an issue, communicate it, but also have some sense. Right? See things the way God sees them, and don't allow something minor like chore wars to actually destroy your relationship with your spouse. And part of that is because we don't believe the best of the other individual. So because you didn't do this, you must not love me.

19:26And I'm getting ahead of myself. But you got to watch out for that. You end up creating, inventing this story in your mind that is delusion and causes an illusion. And you end up in somebody else's arms because you told yourself they don't love you because they didn't do these chores every day. I was quiet in this church. All right, number two. Admit when you've done wrong. Admit when you've done wrong. Talk about just some rules for communication. Make this thing work. Right? How does love talk or love admits when it's wrong? Luke 15 is a great example of the story of the prodigal son. He is the one that took his father's inheritance. He's his part of it. Ran away from home, spinning. The Bible says he ends up working for a farmer taking care of his pigs.

20:28And one day he comes to himself and he realizes, man, I messed up. And we get to verse 21 of Luke 15. He decided to try to come home. And this is what he said to his father. Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you. And I no longer worthy of being called your son. Notice what he said. Number one, I want you to notice that he came to this conclusion on his own. And part of the challenge that we can have in our relationships is when we are unable to look in the mirror and hold ourselves accountable. If they have to always come to you to get you to even acknowledge that you did something wrong, you're doing something wrong. Because there's shit me times where you come to yourself and say, you know what? I shouldn't have said that that way. Let me go deal with this. Well, in this case, he came to himself and he said, father, I've sinned against God and I've sinned against you.

21:29I was wrong. And it's interesting that he said I've sinned against God first because this, what we're talking about is really a picture of how our relationship with God supposed to work. For Sean 19 says to Christians, if we confess, that means to acknowledge our sins, we're acknowledging that we messed up to God. And it's if we do that. God is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins. He cleanses us. If we admit I messed up, Proverbs 28, 13 says, he that confesses and for sakes his sin will have mercy, but he that conceals his sin. Well, you don't want that result. So God expects us in our relationship with him to admit when we mess up and make it right with him. And he actually expects the same thing in our relationships with each other. And that's what he says here, I've sinned against God, but I've also sinned against you.

22:32And that allowed that relationship to heal. But see if you're unwilling to even acknowledge that you've done something wrong, you have built a wall between you and your spouse because now they don't feel like they can trust you. Because if you want to admit that you've done wrong, then you don't think you did anything wrong. So what's to keep you from doing it again? So now I've got to build a wall to protect myself from whatever you from the fact that you just might do this again. And this creates problems in relationships. I came across this great video about this and I'm going to read it all because I don't know that I could say it better than this. This individual said, you cannot reconcile with someone who's not willing to be honest about how they mishandled you. They went on to say there's a big difference between real accountability and trying to skip over what happened. Real accountability sounds like naming the behavior, acknowledging the impact and having an uncomfortable conversation about it.

23:39Avoidance looks like silence, distance, letting time pass, then reappearing like nothing ever happened. Bad doesn't repair anything. That just protects egos. Time alone does not heal wounds, honesty does. So if communication broke down, if trust was damaged, if lines were crossed, pretending it's all water under the bridge isn't maturity, it's denial. We can talk things through. We can clear the air. We can be respectful. But if we are not successfully moving, but we are not successfully moving forward without the truth. They went on to say, I'm cordial, one is necessary, I'm polite, whereas appropriate, but access requires accountability. If you're going to have a successful relationship, there has to be accountability. I came across this story about Mel Gibson, the actor, and Joan Foster, the actor.

24:41They were working together on the film Maverick. And apparently they had a behind the scenes moment unfold that left the lasting impression on Jody Foster. I'll read it to you. On a day marked by long hours and freight nerves, Mel Gibson and Foster found themselves in a tense off-camera argument about politics. Both actors had worked together before and shared a warm rapport. But on that particular day, their views clashed sharply. Gibson's temper flared and witnesses recalled him leaving the set abruptly. Crewmembers later said the tension was so thick, it silenced the soundstage for several minutes after he left. Jody Foster, who was known for her composed and intellectual demeanor, remained calm throughout the confrontation. She didn't raise her voice, but her disappointment was visible. The disagree mistruck a nerve in Gibson. According to a crew member who worked closely with him on set, Gibson's reaction came from frustration more with himself than with Foster.

25:47An hour after he left, Mel Gibson returned, quietly holding a small bouquet of flowers in a folded piece of paper. Without much fanfare, he approached Foster, handed her to flowers in the note, and offered a sincere apology in front of the crew. According to Foster, a handwritten message read, I was raised by a man who shouted first and thought later. I'm trying not to be that man anymore. She later said in an interview, that's why I love him. He owns his flaws. You've got to own your flaws. Number three, understand the power of your words. Understand the power of your words. The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise bring healing. So the words of the reckless can pierce words, can cut words, can damage.

26:50Most of us have heard that nursery rhyme. I believe that's the right way to say that. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. That's a lie. You might have had some broken bones and healed, but there are some words that somebody spoke to you that you're still struggling with. Words are powerful. Words can destroy people. They can tear them down. That's why Ephesians 4 says, let no corrupt communication come out of your mouth. Don't speak words that are tear people down. Words also can heal people's hearts. It can heal people up. And so if you're talking about communicating with your spouse, you need to recognize that you have something powerful right here. And you need to use it the right way. If you have a weapon in your home, let's just say you decided I need to clean my weapon. I'd clean my gun. Well, I would imagine that you would be a little careful with it if you have family around. I have the weapon to protect my family. That's a good thing. But if I mishandle this weapon, I can harm my family.

27:53Well, you have a weapon right here. It's called your mouth. And so when you're talking to your spouse, you need to be clear. You need to make sure that you're not allowing your words to harm them. That instead your words are actually being a blessing to them. One individual said this. They said, be careful what you say, because some words don't just pass through people. They live in them. Someone else said, one sentence can destroy what took years to build. Between the first and second experience, I just opened up, I guess it was Instagram. And I saw this woman on screen and the caption said, this is me trying to stay married. And she grabbed some tape and she put it over her mouth. And then she kept wrapping it around her head. It was funny. But I got the point, which is sometimes you need to be careful about what you're saying, because your marriage, you can talk yourself out of your happily ever after.

28:53In fact, the Bible says this in Proverbs 10, the multitude of words, once if not sin, what does that mean? If you talk a lot, you will sin a lot. And I know we talk about ladies talking more than men, and we get that. But you know what that means? That means that's one area that women are more susceptible to sin and men with their words. That's why first Timothy three talks about the requirements of a bishop and a deacon. And he talks about how their wives can't be slanderers. What's that? A gossip using the words to talk about other people because men deal with that, but men struggle with that women struggle with that even more. And then there's things that men struggle more with. You may have heard of that lust. Right? Okay, but you get the point here. This is one of those things where your words have a huge impact on your relationship. So you need to remember the power of your words and your communication. All right, number four. Somebody say number four. Y'all get anything out of this? I'm going to say again, this is the topic right here.

29:56This is what people are talking about when they say marriage is work. It's communication. It's not. It's nothing else is this. You need to master this. You have to. If you do things going to be good. If you don't, things are going to be bad. It's that simple. Number four. This is a big one. Remember that your tone is louder than your words. Proverbs 16, 21 says this, the wise in heart will be called prudent and the sweetness of the lips increases learning. The sweetness of the lips, the pleasantness of the lips increases learning. I think you could really say it increases hearing and therefore learning. Because if you speak with sweet lips, if you find a way to say it sweetly, they're more often to hear what you have to say.

30:59You know, I got a video. I want to show you that it illustrates the importance of this. Yo, can you get up and make the baby a bottle right now? Like since you came in a house with me sitting there, I just know how long. Get up. Make the baby. Who you think you're talking to my dad? I'm not doing nothing. We'll be talking to my dad. Learn how to talk to people. Show some respect. I'm not doing that. Yo. Bro, can you get up off your phone and make the baby a bottle? You're just thinking about that. I'm not your bro. I'm not your bro. You don't know the talk. That's why we keep having a problem. Learn how to respect me and learn the talk better. Thank you. I'm just sick of you always on your phone. I don't know. You need to make the baby a bottle. No, you don't know what I'm doing. I'm already talking to you. No, I need you to make the baby. No, not on my side. Hi, babe. What are you doing? I was doing a scam campaign for the business. I'm a bit tired. I want to accept you can make the baby a bottle.

32:05Of course. Same issue. She wants a certain result, but the way she said it brought about different responses. How you say it matters. In fact, I got a couple of great statements that came across. I think helps with this is not just what you say. It's how you say what you say. The message lands based on the method. How you say it determines if they can hear it. Same words, different tone, completely different outcome. I like this one. Say it right or you'll start a fight. And this one delivery determines reception. Another one you can be right and still be wrong by how you say it. Another one, tone sets temperature.

33:12You don't just speak words. You said an atmosphere. And then the last one, harsh tone closed heart gentle tone open door. And the Bible says that a man, a brother offended is hard to be one. If you offend them in your tone, you can have a hard time getting them to listen to anything you've said. But it also says a soft answer turns away. They could be mad at you. And you find a way to respond sweetly and all of a sudden, maybe we can make some progress here. How you communicate, how you say what you have to say is massive. One of the individuals said this, how communication is not just about talking. It's knowing how to talk in a way that makes your spouse hear you. One lady said this, the best strategy to have harmonious conversations and never fight.

34:14To me, has some discrepancy, but you never actually fight is to start off your conversation with praise. A knowledge what they're doing that's good. And if you want them to hope around the house, don't say, well, you don't ever hope around the house. He probably does do something. A knowledge what he does do. And then say, but I like your help over here. Another woman said this, she said, men melt when a woman speaks softly. But a lot of women don't want to hear that because they think being sweet makes them look weak. Well, that's a huge mistake because a woman's greatest power is her softness. Think about it. If he wanted another alpha energy in his house, he would have married another man. If you ever caught yourself thinking, oh, he never does anything that I ask him to is probably because you talked to him like you're another guy challenging him. Try using your feminine soft lighter tone of voice more often and just watch how differently he treats you.

35:17She wanted to say, I've never heard a no for my husband when I speak to him gently even told me that he can't resist when I ask that way. And since I'm reading things is one more thing I came across for ladies feminine ways to talk to him instead of saying, why didn't you call me? Say, I missed hearing your voice. It would have made my day. Instead of saying, you don't care about my feelings. Say, I feel. I feel safe when I know you understand how I'm feeling. Instead of saying, you need to listen to me say it would mean a lot of you can hear me out. I value your attention. Instead of saying, why can't we just do a mile way? Say, I trust your decision, but could we try it this way as well? Instead of saying, you're not doing enough. Say, I appreciate what you do and it would make me feel more cared for if you did this. See, there's always a way to say it sweetly.

36:17And just take a few seconds to get yourself to calm down if you irritated it. And to think about the better way to say this could make all the difference in the world. As you saw in that video, they went from conflict to hugging and kissing. Same topic. And this is really true when dealing with men because men need respect. And the way respect and disrespect is primarily communicated is by how his wife talks to him. And so you want him to do something if you're disrespectful about it, he's either not going to do it or he's going to do it begrudgingly. You're going to bring harm to your relationship. It's just better to say it better. And women are the same way. You know, women are heavily impacted by the words of their husband. And so you want to make sure as a man that you're not always trying to be dominant. She don't sometimes she doesn't need that.

37:19And we talked about this before. How a real man is hard toward the world, but soft in his home. And so she needs those words. So you need to be careful how you talk to her. In fact, Colossians three tells men not to be harsh with their wives. So remember your tone speaks louder than your words. Say it better. It might say say it better. This is such a big one. I thought about making this the whole message. Because this is where I'm working on this. I'm just you know, when I get these messages together, I'm not up here preaching what I'm, you know, I'm perfect on. Usually God beats me up. Then I get to beat y'all up. I'll read this like, yeah, I ain't doing that. I got to fix that. My goodness. Right. This is the things to remember to make your marriage great. Okay. Number five. Somebody say number five. I'm about to pick up the pace in a minute, but I want you guys to get this one too.

38:21Remember that communication is more than words. Communication is more than words. I don't know what the percentage is, but I know there's a pretty sizable percentage of communication that is unspoken. That happens through body language. And I don't know a better example than in Luke 22. And Luke, you find Jesus telling the apostles that he was going to die and he was going to rise again. And Peter, he says, you all are going to leave me and Peter says, I'm never going to leave you. I would die for you. And Jesus says, bro, before the cop grows three times before the cop grows, you're going to deny me three times. So sure enough, they arrest Jesus. They bring him before they had Sanhedrin council and some people confront Peter. Hey, weren't you with Jesus and he denies them three times. And we get to this verse and Luke 22, 61. It says, and the Lord turned and looked at Peter.

39:22Oh, anybody know what that looks like. Come on, anybody remember your mama giving you that look? She didn't even have the Sanhedrin. The looks said, if you don't stop, you will die today. Right? He looked at Peter and Peter knew what happened. He read the story and you know, he ran out crying because he realized what he had done. Listen, you're always communicating even when you're not talking. Your mouth isn't the only thing speaking. Your body's preaching too. And so you want to learn to communicate well with your body too. One woman said this, she said, rolling your eyes speaks louder than anything you say. So how are some of the ways to communicate with our bodies? What maybe we should watch out for? What maybe we should do? Well, my arms are folded. What am I communicating? I'm closed off. If I'm rolling my eyes, I don't respect what you're saying. Right? If we're having a conversation, you start looking at your phone.

40:25Obviously, you're saying I'm not very important right now. If you're turning your body away or you marching off, I'm disengaging. That's disrespect. If there's just silence, you're saying I'm done. If you're leaning in, you're saying I'm listening, I care. If you hug them, you're safe with me. I saw one great video and a woman walked into the bedroom and her husband was doing something. I think he's playing a video game and she just starts crying. And he stops. He's wrong, baby. He was wrong. She said, I'm upset. I'm upset. And he just gets up and he just holds her. He didn't have to say anything. Him just taking a moment just to hug her, just let her know, I got you, baby. I'm here for you. There's multiple ways that we can communicate with our spouse just through what we do with our bodies. Negative and positive. So I came across this woman preacher online.

41:26I think she's from Nigeria. I don't be honest with you. I hope she has protection. The way she does that online, I'm like, they be looking for you. She is very bold in talking to women. She has something called the wife school. But I'm a reader of what she said because there's some truth in it. She says, wives, your silence, attitude and mood swings are not communication. They are manipulation. You don't say it directly, but you show it through coldness, withdrawal, tone, and energy shifts. You punish what you don't like without saying it clearly. That is not emotional expression that is control. You're trying to influence outcomes without taking responsibility for your words. That is manipulation. See, this is one of the things that we do, women and men, is instead of having the courage to do the first thing we talked about. Let's go have a conversation about this.

42:27I'm going to make sure you know that I'm unhappy and I'm going to punish you without having to say the words. I don't have to be held accountable for my words. I can pretend like I'm not upset even though I am upset. You come back and say, well, you was kind of saying, well, no, I wasn't. I was just this. You can lie your way through it. Instead of taking the responsibility for addressing this, I'm just going to try to manipulate you through these actions. It goes the other way in terms of withholding. Usually, holding hands, usually hugging them, usually kissing them. You know, you rub in your head or something and you refuse to do any of that. Because you're trying to punish them through your actions without addressing the actual problem. That's one of the things you've got to watch out for. Men do the same thing. You've got to make sure you remember that your communication is more than your words. In the Bible, we see multiple times where Jesus communicated with people, reached out and touched them. Other things to reassure them.

43:28Use that your body to communicate well, not to harm your relationship. Number six, might say number six. Y'all still with me? We're almost there, but I want you to get this. Sometimes I like to split this up and do this in two sessions and I thought about that with this one. But I just kind of feel that just to dump it on you. So, okay, if I dump it on you, you got more to go. Next week, I want to talk about how to get the spark back in your marriage. So, I want to leave a little time for that. But number six is also in your face. Here's another rule. Hinting manipulating or nagging is not communicating well. Hinting manipulating or nagging is not communicating well. We're looking at Mark chapter, Matthew 537. But let your yes, be yes. And you're no, no. For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.

44:29What's he saying? You should not have any yeses that really means no. And any noes that really means yes. You shouldn't be giving these little tests that we like to give. So, I can get my own emotional needs met. I'm a liar, I'm a misdirect, I'm a, you know, he said anything. Oh, that stuff is evil. That's deception. That's manipulation. Say what you mean and mean what you say. See, health and communication is complicated. It's honest. It's clear. It's consistent. And this is really helpful when it comes to marriage, you know. My wife and I, we laugh about this. I'm terrible at reading lips. You know, if she and I are in a room and she's trying to tell me something but she didn't want anybody else to know what I'm trying to say. And she's trying to mild something at me. I just, I can't do it.

45:31I'd be like, what? What do you want? She'd be like, oh my gosh, you know, come on, man. And she's figured out, don't even try. You know, just terrible at it. You know, for men, we are terrible at reading hints. Settle hint. Strong hint. Doesn't matter. Obviously, hint. We can't read hints. You're trying to hint at something that is outside of our skill set. That is not how men communicate. Now, that's how women communicate. They communicate through a hint. They communicate through a motion. But men are not like that. We're very forthcoming. There is no in between the lines for us. So you have to understand that if you're trying to hint at something and what he should know and he should this and he should that. Well, I guarantee you he don't know unless you tell him. I had a video I was going to show you guys. I did it in the first experience, but it was the young leader that was in our podcast this last week.

46:31And she's a whole video about this talking about how, you know, I'm thinking he should know, but he don't know. Maybe I should tell him. And to find out when I told him, oh, great, things worked out. You got to tell him. And it's not an intelligence issue. Sometimes, oh, men are just so dumb. No, everybody has their strengths and their weaknesses. Because it's a whole another topic and you will look dumb too. It's not about how God has wired us. And so you have to understand that hinting doesn't work. Manipulating also is bad communication. That's the whole, I'ma let me, let me, let me. Propel Fitness Water With Gatorade Electrolites, Zero Sugar and Vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolites. Chronic Migraine is 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more.

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48:31powered by Verizon's 5G network, with no contract holding you back. And for a limited time, you can get visible for just $19 a month for 12 months when you use promo code SAVE6. All the features of Big Wireless Service for half the cost. Tap the banner to switch today. Terms apply, Standard Rate applies at month 13, see visible.com for plan features and network management details. He loves me not. I'm going to say this, and if he don't say this, and he must not love me, he must diss that, if he wanted to, he would. He don't even, he don't even, he don't even a whole another planet. He had no idea what you're talking about. And you've created this entire story in your brain. All those little tests. I was just, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to say something else, I'm trying to be good time wise. Can I go there? Y'all wait me, because I'm about to be overtime.

49:31But you know, this is what happens in dating. Is you have, I've had this done to me before, and I think I did this to others too. You know, somebody talking to you, you kind of like them, but you kind of don't. And you are just kind of communicating, and you know, and you won't really be upfront. You like the attention, but you really kind of got them on hold. Why are you trying to get to them? Oh, y'all, looking me like you don't know what I'm talking about. Come on now. Come on, how many of those evil? That's messed up. I've seen people do that to me. I've seen people do that to me, and then end up with some luck ahead. I'm like, are you idiot? You had me that whole time, and you messed around, and you got stuck with them. But I've also had to apologize to some ladies about that when I was younger. You know, because you're not being, you're not being, you're not being, you're playing with people.

50:34You're playing with people's emotions, and you sure you don't want to do that in your marriage. And you manipulate them to get them to, so you can feel wanted. If you don't feel want to, let's just talk about that, rather than you playing these games that can have unintended consequences. Let's talk about nagging for a moment since you already don't like the message. So that's the problem. Provers talks about the contentions of a wife or a continual dropping. Who eventually just want to pull your hair out? What's that talking about? Nagging. Nagging is not effective communication. It harms your relationship. What is it? It's repeatedly reminding, complaining, or urging someone to do something in a way that feels persistent, irritating, or pressure-filled, especially after they've already heard you. It entails repetition, so saying the same thing multiple times, tone, so you're often frustrated, critical, or impatient.

51:39And as you say, timing, you bring it up when the person isn't ready or has already responded. Perception, the listener feels pressured rather than help. You know what? God doesn't pressure people through his words. He's trying to force you. That's what nagging does. This is the problem sometimes that someone may upset because, hey, God called me to help my husband, and he won't let me help him. It's because you're pushy. And if you're going to push him, you keep pushing him. But did you do this? And he's like, I'll do this, do it on my own. I'll need this. I rather than not do it, then have to keep hearing this. Right? It's about how it's done. And so when you're talking about nagging, what you're doing is you're actually making the other person feel controlled, feel criticized, and you're harming your relationship. Often what nagging really is is the woman taking leadership. That's what she's doing. I'm trying to force you to do what I want, so I'm trying to take control.

52:40And that's a problem. All right. I could go deeper there, but I'm just going to keep it moving. Come on. We're talking about how love talks. Talk to me like you love me. Talk to me like you love me. Talk to you spouse like you love them. Don't do these things. All right. Number 789 go together. So I'm going to give them to you quickly. James 119 says, so then my beloved brother, let every man be swift to hear. Slow to speak. Slow to rap. So the next one is, of course, be quick to hear. Somebody said something funny. They said, nobody told me when you get a husband, the ears are sold separately. Why? Because men struggle to listen. We don't talk as much as women in general. So when we do want to have a conversation, it can be quick. We say a lot. 15 words. And we go for a couple of weeks.

53:43And the woman will talk about the same thing, and it takes 15 minutes. But as a man, part of your job is to actually meet her need for conversation. We preached on that a couple of weeks ago. So I'm not going to teach on it now. But one of the things that we can see from this point is that you need to be quick to hear. Which means I am intentional about understanding what you're saying. I'm not just hearing words. I'm chasing meaning. I want to get my arms around, around this, right? Most people aren't listening. They're waiting to talk. They're not trying to understand you. They're trying to respond to you. And of course, that's why communication doesn't happen. Because instead of you listening to understand, you're listening to respond. And we don't get anywhere. But if you're somebody that's quick to hear, then when they open their mouth, let me understand what you're saying. You might even ask them clarifying questions.

54:45Is this what you're saying? Let me repeat back what you said. Because I want to understand. That's what the Bible says we're supposed to do. Be quick to hear. The next thing is to be slow to speak. That's a big one. Proverbs 19 13, or 18 13 says, he who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shamed in. What does that mean? That's a fool. Well, I'm slow to speak. Do you interrupt them when they're talking to you? Because if you're interrupting them, then that's not being slow to speak. That's being quick to speak. You're clearly not quick to listen, right? You're listening to respond. You think you know what they're going to say. And then you dive in and give a reaction to what you think they're going to say. And I'm going to tell you, that's a big problem. I have this happen to me professionally, where you're trying to have a conversation and they interrupt you. Assume they know where you're going with it. End up over here and left field and keep believing something is not true for a decade.

55:50Simply because they couldn't keep their mouth shut for 30 seconds. And this happens all the time in relationships where one spouse is trying to speak and the other one's interrupting them. They can't even get a word out. That's disrespectful and that's a fool. That's what the Bible says. That's a fool. You answer matter before you even heard it all. Here your wife is saying, maybe this happened the other day and you're like, yeah, it did happen. And she the whole time. I'm just trying to apologize. You just started the whole another fight. And she was, she was coming to say, I messed up, baby, but you know, you blew it up because you're too quick to speak. Slow it down. My mother used to teach us count to ten in your mind before you say anything. And that's going to help you to speak sweetly too, to say it right. To say it right. Then you, if you slow it down a little bit, you can start conversations by saying,

56:50I feel this way versus you always. Because one of them starts a conversation. The other one says we're in a courtroom. The next one of course is to be slow to rap. We already read James 119. Proverbs 14, 29 says, people with understanding control they're anger, but a hot temper shows great foolishness. If you are a hothead, you're a fool. That's what the Bible says. You're a fool. You somebody just quick to get angry, quick to pop off. That's a fool. That's why if you're dating somebody like that, run, run. You do not want to live like that. That's what the Bible says about the contentious woman is better for that man who is married to her to live in the desert and be in the same house with her. To live on the rooftop. And the Bible talks about the angry man as well. Multiple scriptures. Full. You want to be slow to rap. It should take a lot to get you upset.

57:50You shouldn't be somebody that's so quick to somebody trying to communicate with you and they can't bear to get the words out their mouth. And now you all tore up and you want to tear them up. When individuals said this, they said, if your spouse has to prepare themselves to talk to you, that's a problem. Someone else mentioned that if you're hard, you can't get your spouse to talk to you. Your heart to be honest with. It's because honesty turns into consequences. When you tell them the truth, it becomes a fight, it becomes a correction, it becomes a long emotional reaction or something that's used against them later. So they filter themselves or worse, they just stop talking. Fast anger, broken relationships. If you don't control your anger, your anger will control your home. So this is one of those areas where you have to make a change. And if you're struggling with this, you need to reaffircify in 13 every day. For like a month, every day, every day.

58:53Every day. Love is not touchy. Love is not fretful. Love is not resentful. Love believes the best of others. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes. Get that in you because the word of God says, that word about hitting my heart, that I might not sin against me. Because if you're a hothead, you will not be happy at home. And nobody in your home will be happy either. Number 10, I know I'm a little overtime. Y'all good though? Y'all doing well? All right. Believe the best of the speaker. Believe the best of the speaker. First Corinthians 13 and 7, the number 5 Bible says, they love, believe the best of every person. What does that mean? That means I get people to benefit of the doubt. I don't assume when you open your mouth that you're trying to harm me, or you're trying to say something wrong or evil, when you mess up that you did it for some evil intent. When you don't do what I ask you to do, it's because you don't love me,

59:55or because you're, I don't make those assumptions. I assume positive intent before you speak. One individual said this, they said, most of us hear our spouses' words through the filter of our own wounds. They say, not tonight, we hear, I'm not attracted to you anymore. But what if there's another story? What if they're just tired, just stressed, just human? That's the problem when you have it. You take everything as though as some type of attack you end up jumping to conclusions. That very well, it may not be true. Once again, you create a story in your head because you're not believing the best of them, you're believing the worst of them. Someone else mentioned you need to have an assumption check before you react, ask them what did you mean by that? Because 90% of fights are about the tone you invented in your head, or you didn't mean. We're often touchy, we're often resentful, we're often respond in a wrong way

1:00:57because we assume the worst of people rather than assuming the best of them. So like I said earlier, you know, the wife says, hey, I want to talk to you about what happened the other day and he immediately jumps on her, yeah, because he's assuming the worst. He's thinking she's about to attack him again instead of assuming the best and saying, you know, maybe she, she, she, she's saying something and we can get past this. And this is a big problem in relationships is that we just assume that the person I'm married to is the devil. And they're not. I mean, everyone wants to marry me, but most of the time they're not. You know, you love them for a reason, they're good, decent person. They may have bad days, but you need to be careful because healthy communication isn't just about what you say, it's about the spirit you hear it with. I want to end in Colossians 4.6. It says, let your speech always, always be with grace,

1:01:57seasoned with salt, that you may know how to enter each one. So at the end of the day, you don't just build your marriage on love. You build it on how love talks. Love sounds patient. Love sounds kind, respectful. It listens. It doesn't explode. It doesn't manipulate. It believes the best. And so love causes you to have a happy home. Come on, lift your hands toward having for a few moments. Toon to our weekly podcast, where you'll be able to listen to the message from our Sunday experience, our podcast is available on platforms like Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Play, and more. Be sure to check us out, subscribe, and share.

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