Are You Compromising Your Boundaries? | WSABM Chapter 4

0:00Join me for the Hello7 AI Accelerator. Spend two weeks with me and I'm going to show you how to become a power user of Claude. I'm going to show you how to use AI not just as a chatbot but as your assistant. Where it is doing work for you while you are sleeping. You're going to leave this training knowing how to train Claude to get you clients and serve you up leads every single day. You're going to learn how to use it to manage your inbox and handle all of your scheduling. This is an advantage that we need, especially as entrepreneurs from historically excluded backgrounds. This is a leg up, a huge advantage that's going to allow you to grow your business exponentially without spending a lot of capital to do it. So join me for this AI Accelerator and let's get you to that million a whole lot faster. Go to Hello7.co slash AI Accelerator and sign up now. A girl should be who? Oh, wait, sorry. A girl should be two things. Who and what she wants.

1:01Okay? That is a quote by Coco Chanel from my book We Should All Be Millionaires. And you know how you get what you want? Million dollar boundaries. That's what we are talking about today, friends. Chapter four of We Should All Be Millionaires. We are continuing with our weekly book club. I just want y'all to know that I just literally landed from Italy. I'm in France. As I'm hopping around the world, I am prioritizing y'all. Thank you, everybody. For those of you showing up, I know we are starting late today, but you know, the airport does what the airport wants to do. So I couldn't abandon my luggage. All right. So we're talking about million dollar boundaries today. Who is excited? I hope you are pumped. I hope you're ready to go. Let me pull up the comments. Oh my God. I see all of y'all here. Okay. Okay. Yay. Good to see you. You know what? I just try to love on the people is what I'm here to do.

2:02You know what I mean? Hello, hello. We got the Netherlands in the house. Where is everybody checking in from? Let me know in the chat. Million dollar boundaries. All right. So listen, just be prepared to have your ass whoop today. That's what this chapter does. Like truth be told, but it is a ass whoopin that everybody needs, right? We all need it. We're all hopefully you're here for it because it's the truth telling that we need to hear so that we can recognize how we are cutting off our own opportunities, how we are giving away our time, giving away our energy, and how that prevents us from getting what we want, right? Where everybody gets prioritized, except for us. Okay. So that's what we're going to get into today. Hello. Okay. So I love seeing all of y'all. First I'm joining and just purchase the book. Yes, Lisa. Welcome. Welcome. And you can always go back and watch the recordings from the previous sessions that we've done.

3:03Another dragging. I mean, sorry. What can I say? I'm just the book is doing the dragging. I'm just here to lead us through it. To gently drag us so that we can get what we want. All right. Because we should all be millionaires. And this is what's required to get there. All right. And also to just always know, I'm never asking you to do anything that I haven't already done myself that I'm not already actively doing myself. Okay. Oh, by the way, I have to show y'all. While I was in Italy, I went to Italy. I just did a two week sprint to finish my next book. I'm making a big announcement about that next week, next Wednesday. So hopefully y'all are on the mailing list for this book club because then you'll get the announcements about all the details that are coming for next Wednesday. But mark the day. It's in the evening. So hopefully you can all join us. But anyway, so I did a two week sprint and then I went. My friend Susan invited me to go to her retreat in Italy with a bunch of her clients in Positano.

4:04So I just came from there where I was jumping off boats. And you know, spending time at the beach. I went to an Italian cooking school. That was incredible. I did a big ass hike yesterday. So my legs hurt. But I had a great relaxing week. And now I'm in Paris with my sister and literally every black person from America for the Jay-Z concert. Which is basically just like it's like the soundtrack of the 90s. You know, so for all the millennials, this was the soundtrack of our lives. I can't even say that I'm a big Jay-Z fan. But my sister wanted to go. So I was like, I'm coming. So that's what's up. And you know how I'm able to have this life and do the things that I want to do and accomplish what I want to accomplish. And still, let's be clear, while I was in Positano, I'm organizing after school. I'm making sure that the kids get their music lessons on the days that they want them. I literally was like, chess was full.

5:05You know, whatever else was full. I had to negotiate with the after school coordinator to get my kids and all the activities they wanted. And I'm still being mother of the year while I'm tracing around the world. Make no mistake. Okay. Both and we can be very present, amazing parents and mothers and we can also have what we want. We can also travel. We can also have fun. We can also make time for the other people in our lives besides our partners or besides our children. Okay. So let's dig into this today. Let's really get into it. Oh my God. I just want to talk to y'all on the chat, but we got to get started. All right. So we are starting with chapter four million dollar boundaries on page 59. Okay. And I want to read you a little something and I'm really curious to see like notice how this lands for you as you're as you're listening. Okay. My daughter is a master negotiator. She gets it from her mama. True story. Unfortunately, her preferred negotiation tactic is the guilt trip.

6:06Anybody familiar with this? I'm certain that you are. I'm sure you guilt trip yourselves even without your children guilt tripping you and then on top of that, they do it. And it's just like a stab in the heart. Okay. I know y'all know. So she'll stop by my home office while I'm knee deep in a pile of work intensely focused on my laptop and say, are you still working? I wish you had time to play with me, right? And I said, what an adorable little pain in the ass. Of course, this used to work very well on me. I would immediately be riddled with the guilt the patriarchy has taught every mother to feel from the moment she becomes pregnant. And this guilt was exacerbated every time I saw the charcuterie board level snacks that other moms were sending their kids to school with. Seriously, how do they find the time? I will never forget. My kid was in like preschool. I mean, it was like the three three year olds. And it was like some holiday or whatever.

7:06And one mom made beautiful decorated cookies for every child for like the beginning of summer or something. And every parent had to bring something. And I probably bought like a bowl of popcorn. Like, like I was like, I had shaved like my snack was so wet compared to it. But I was like, I don't know how this woman does it, but I definitely do not have the time. Okay. We all have our gifts. If I continued working, I'd feel like a terrible mother for not spending enough quality time with my daughter. And if I stopped working before I had completed my task for the day, I'd feel unproductive and like I was disappointing my clients and my team. This is the trap. Okay, friends? That so many women are caught in every single day. We bobble between other people's needs like the tiny pinball and an arcade machine. You get racked around all day long and end the day frustrated that the things that are actually important to you never got done. After decades of this, you wake up to a life that you feel you never got to live.

8:09Hell no, my friends. Okay, no, I do not accept it. As a species, we women must stop giving away our power to our spouses, to our bosses. And yes, even to our children. Okay, when we allow other people's desires to take precedence over our own, it creates a situation like the one we have today where many women have no idea what they actually want. It's like you can't even hear your own voice, right? Because you're so used to just running around serving everybody else. We become so accustomed to the world telling us what to do. We can no longer hear our own voices and that ends now. This chapter is called Million Dollar Boundaries. When we talk about boundaries, we are really talking about power. By the end of this chapter, you will understand how to stop giving away your power, how to reclaim your power for your own purposes, and how to invest in your power to build everything you want for yourself, including wealth. This is not only for yourself, but for each young woman and girl who is watching and learning from you.

9:10As a society, our environment is riddled with messages that tell working women they are never doing enough, and tell men and children that it's their job to make sure we women feel as bad as possible about it. And damn near every book, TV show, Instagram feed, there is a storyline that tells us that women exist for the benefit of others. What my daughter now knows is that her mom has spent a lot of time thinking about and coaching around this topic and has come to this conclusion. My children are not entitled to my attention all day every day. Okay? Yeah, I said it. Who want to fight? Okay? I work because I want to work. All right? I'm allowed to work and I'm allowed to do what I want. Okay? I find joy in helping other women and other mothers, and I frankly don't want to set a precedent for my children that how an adult spends her time should be dictated by first graders, right? Where did my daughter learn that she is entitled to every moment of my time? I noticed also that she never, ever acts this way about her father.

10:11She doesn't feel entitled to her father's time. Right? Do you notice how men are never struggling with dad guilt? That's not even a phrase. It's not a thing. Okay? But mom guilt is deeply ingrained at us, right? Like that if we have lives outside of our children, there's something wrong with us, right? And women and mothers will shame each other for having a life outside of your children. Okay? You might be uncomfortable right now even listening to this. Good. Notice that discomfort because that's what needs to be shifted. Okay? Yeah. We forget ourselves until we get smacked upside the head until we've had something happen until we realize like we get this one precious life, right? And we can be mothers and we can be great daughters and great friends and great spouses. We can be all of these things and still take care of ourselves, right? Like this idea that we can't. Why? Men do it. You know? So why can't we? So from where did my daughter learn this?

11:12From me feeling guilt ridden, from books she reads and TV shows as well. And from the same messages that we are all getting from all forms of media, from the people around us, from our employers, even directly from our government, right? By failing to provide us with adequate parental support, right? The message is clear. Do more with less. So what do I say to my daughter when she tries to lay this learned guilt trip on me? I usually say something like, and this is a true story. Most other moms have to get in their car and commute for an hour, go to work, be gone eight hours and then commute back. So they're gone 10 or 12 hours out of the day and some can't make it home for dinner, right? How lucky are you that mommy gets to work from home? So I'm here with you in the morning. I'm here with you. When you get home from school, I even get to see you whenever I take a break from my work day. Isn't that awesome? She's not moved. Okay. And true story. These are conversations I used to have with her when she was like eight years old, right? Like she was little. And we were talking about this. Or maybe I think she was like nine or 10 when I was writing this book.

12:14This is a true story that happened while I was working on writing this book and I was like, you know what? I'm going to throw it in. Then as she's standing there, I continue. This is a family and we all get to benefit from mommy's work. You get to go to a great school. We live in a nice house. We eat good food and we do fun things together like kayaking and traveling, but we all have to contribute to. So go entertain yourself while I take this call. That's your contribution to our family today. Can you make that contribution? At this point, my daughter is on board. If not particularly pleased, she says, okay, mommy, but after you're done with work, you have to play candy land with me. And I say deal. And so I talk to my daughters about the realities of life, right? I talk to my sons about it. Like we have to make it clear, right? Like we're all contributing. It is not going to be, mommy does everything for everybody always and never takes time for herself. And everyone just expects that and is okay with that and demands that.

13:14No, we're not doing that. I find when I talk to children and I'm crystal clear with them, like here's my thinking, here's my reasoning and I want to share with you, they get it, right? Like they're smart, intelligent beings. They understand. And so, you know, we negotiate. All right, right now I need to focus, but I can in an hour or in two hours, I will have time for you. What do you want to do? Whatever you want to do, I'll do it with you. You want to play Candy Land? Deal. Let's go, right? And so there's an actual balance to it. But I think it's important to have these conversations with our kids because if we don't, then they contribute to this constant guilt trip and I'm like, nah, I'm not having it. I personally, I am not having it and I don't think you should be having it either. Because then we just take on all of this, we expect like something from ourselves that is not actually possible. It is not actually possible for us to do everything for everyone and be a balanced, healthy, human being. You know, and get a decent amount of sleep. Join me for the Hello7 AI Accelerator.

14:20Spend two weeks with me and I'm going to show you how to become a power user of Claude. I'm going to show you how to use AI not just as a chatbot, but as your assistant. Where it is doing work for you while you are sleeping. You're going to leave this training knowing how to train Claude, to get you clients and serve you up leads every single day. You're going to learn how to use it to manage your inbox and handle all of your scheduling. This is an advantage that we need, especially as entrepreneurs from historically excluded backgrounds. This is a leg up, a huge advantage that's going to allow you to grow your business exponentially without spending a lot of capital to do it. So join me for this AI Accelerator and let's get you to that million a whole lot faster. Go to Hello7.co slash AI Accelerator and sign up now. So we got to have these conversations. Who here is having these conversations with their children and if you're not, tell me how that lands for you. Because I know, trust me, I've gotten it all. Okay. People used to comment in my social media saying like she must never spend time with her

15:23kids. You know, like because I was talking about the business that I had or talking about the book that I wrote, she must never spend her time with her kids. Why do we assume that? I spent a, I was going to curse. I spend a lot of time with my kids. I spend a ton of time with my kids. I take them to school every day. I actually, my work hours are actually extremely reasonable, especially now. So when I'm not busy writing a book, I have a ton of time available for my kids. I spend every weekend, all weekend with them, right? And every day, right? Like in the mornings, we have quality time together when they come home from school is the afternoon and I live in Portugal and my clients and not all my clients, but a lot of my community is on East Coast time. So I'm working in the evening from like two to six, my time. And then after that, I'm hanging out with them. We're doing dinner. We're chatting. We're doing homework if they need help with that, right? So plenty of time. And notice how like I'm going to bring it up and it's a polarizing conversation I know,

16:26but when Emma Greed was promoting her book and she was talking about, I think, what did she say, the two hour mom, where she's like, you get an hour in the morning and then you get an hour or two when they get home for three hour mom, when they get home from school. I mean, everybody jumped down her throat as if that was the most horrible thing to say, but it is the truth for the average mom. And instead, we'd rather make people feel horrible and make them feel like they should be trying to do something superhuman. We got to support our families. You know what else is being a mother, supporting my kids, making sure I can make money to take care of them and their lives. That's also being a mother, right? Being a mother is not just snuggling all day, although I love it. Okay, don't get me wrong. But listen, stop with the guilt tripping, particularly around motherhood, but this works in other areas too, where people will get guilt tribute. Okay? So anyway, I think negotiating with your children is important. I think teaching them that is important because otherwise we don't get what we want.

17:27All right? So I want to read you this other section. So like, what is the solution? Okay? The solution is bitch, you need boundaries, right? That's what this section is called. Okay. So I implore you to stop letting people dump all over you, whether that's a boss emailing you at night or a partner who expects you to do all the housework. When I was growing up, both of my parents had full-time jobs, but only my mom was hustling at home to make dinner. She was the only one doing laundry and cleaning, but there was no reason that my father didn't have to do household work, except that she was a woman and he was a man. And this unfair division of labor persists today, okay? Let me tell you about Kendra, right? A perfect example of this is my client Kendra. I changed the name just to be clear. She lives with her boyfriend, Jack. Both Kendra and Jack have full-time jobs, but Kendra has a substantially longer commute, like two hours each way. She leaves at 6 a.m. for work and comes back at 8 p.m.

18:27Okay? So a very long day, but guess who is making dinner? Jack literally comes home at 6 p.m. Two hours earlier than her and sits on the couch doing nothing, waiting for Kendra to arrive home and start making dinner at 8 p.m. Dinner's not done until 9 p.m. Every night, so all Kendra has time to do his eat and crash out. And then she does it all again the next day and she spends every weekend running errands and doing the housework. She didn't have a chance to do during the week. That is ridiculous, but it is not unusual. It is more common than you think and you might be living it right now. I cannot count the number of times a client or a Fred has said something like this. My partner is great. He cooks once or twice a week. But why are you impressed with the bare minimum? Why is that impressive that he cooks once or twice a week? Last time I checked, you got to eat every day. Cook more than that. Once or twice a half a week, right? What else does he do?

19:27What else he got? Is he cleaning the bathroom in the kitchen? Okay? Is he doing all the grocery shopping and taking out the garbage and running the kids around? What else? Right? Because that is not an equal division of labor. I hope that if that is what you have going on in your house, you are willing to have some conversations with the people in your life and stop letting them take advantage of you. Because this is commonly the case, right? Where there is so much work. My husband is a stay-at-home dad. So he does all of the cooking, he does all the grocery shopping. He does some of the cleaning, mostly on the weekends. We have a house cleaner that does the cleaning otherwise. And she does the laundry and stuff like that. And he will do the laundry when she is not there. He also runs the kids to all of their activities, to school every day, blah, blah, blah. And still sometimes I get mad. Because there is always a mountain of paperwork to deal with and I am usually one dealing with it. I read all the school emails, right? Like I make the doctor's appointments.

20:28There is a lot of things. So I started shifting more of that to him. Look, I noticed you got free time and I don't. Here, you take this. Heck you know, let me get this off my plate. Like let's look for some equality here and here's why. Because so much of our time, part of your homework is going to do is going to be to calculate the value of that time. So much of our time is given away and it's so normal and so natural to us. We don't even notice. And that time then doesn't go to money making activities. And because you don't have any time for money generating activities, right? All your time is taken for people, you know, doing all kinds of services for all kinds of people. And that's just immediate family. Sometimes it's aunts and uncles and moms and dads and, you know, like sisters and brothers and like all kinds of people in your life that you're taking care of. Listen, the people in my life, I care a lot about them and I do contribute to their lives, right? But I can't overdo it, right? We have to have boundaries and limit how much we're willing to do so that we're not constantly pouring from an empty cup and we have time to think about our money.

21:32We have time to look at our money, right? To do money church every week and pay attention to where our money is going, what is it doing, what could we be doing to make more, right? So we have time to think about investing our money. So we think we have time to think about negotiating our salary or starting a side hustle or earning more money. That's what you're going to do with all this new free time you're going to get when you shut these people down and say, no, I'm not available. Okay. I ain't doing that. Right? So boundaries are absolutely necessary. So let's talk about what a million dollar boundary is. Okay. Sadie says, I gave dinner responsibilities to my kiddos father a couple months ago and it's been awesome. Yes. I mean, I still do a lot of the planning and grocery shopping, but it's better. Great. Now, next, so that's phase one. Phase two is actually, I would love for you to do the grocery shopping. Here's some recipes that I would love for you to make. This is what I do. Like, if I'm on Instagram and I see a good recipe, I'm like, babe, make this. And then he goes and he goes and goes as the grocery shopping and he plans it out. You know, one of my favorite mantras was coined by the up in the grass, just say no to

22:34labor diggers. Yes. That is such an excellent phrase, right? There are so many ways that we are just laboring for free. No, it must end. It must stop. Okay. Okay. So, um, I, there's so much I wanted to say to y'all. Oh, I know there's another thing. There's another section I wanted to read to you. Okay. So, my question for you is, what are you tolerating at home? Okay. Are you letting your children run a nightly guilt trip on you when you work the same hours as your partner? Are your housemates watching the dishes, watching the dishes pile up as if dish washing as a science only you are capable of doing? Are you the one arranging all the play dates, fielding all the emails from your children's school, doing the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning, and managing to make sure the toothpaste magically never runs out? Yet your partner never so much as offers to make you a cup of coffee. Unacceptable. Are you everybody's domestic bitch?

23:36Delivering a plethora of snacks, cold beverages, and a variety of sandwiches to suit every family members exacting specifications while they lay on the couch and relax, something you never have time to do. No. Okay. Enough. Enough. So where are you potentially giving away your time? And I know this is true because I've done so much research on this. This is a worldwide problem. It is not just in America, right? It is all over Europe. It is all over the world, right? There are worldwide studies that are done about the way we use our time and the way men use their time versus women. And even when women are the breadwinners, they still tend to do more domestic labor than their partners, right? It's like no matter what, no matter the scenario, women are doing all the work, enough. Okay? So we need to stop letting people take advantage of us. Let's talk about what a million dollar boundary is, right? So the definitions on page 67, what a million dollar boundary is.

24:37And I think this is really important because I think sometimes we misinterpret million dollar boundaries or boundaries in general, we think it's about controlling other people. And it really is not. So million dollar boundary, noun. A declaration to yourself and others, friends, family, boss, and so on, where you clearly state what you will do and won't do in a given situation. The purpose of setting a million dollar boundary is to set reasonable limits, protect your energy and sanity, and therefore feel more joyful, more powerful, and more moneyful. Okay? A million dollar boundaries help you become rich in money, joy, time, and peace. However, in order for boundaries to work, you have to actually enforce them every time. If you set a boundary and communicate that boundary, and then it gets violated and you don't do anything about it, it's going to continue to be violated. When your boundaries are violated, it must come with consequences.

25:38If nobody experiences any consequences when they violate your boundaries, they are going to continue to violate your boundaries. So there has to be consequences, right? And the consequences are not about, well, I'm going to show you, I'm going to punish you, I'm going to make you suffer. The consequences are about protecting yourself, right? And saying, like, if you continue to treat me like X, I'm no longer going to make time for you, or I'm going to stop picking up your phone call, or I'm going to leave you, right? It's sometimes what it needs to be, right? Or we're not going to go do that thing together anymore. I'm going to use that time for something else because I don't like how I'm being treated here, right? So when we get into this sort of tip for tap punishment thing, then it takes, we don't win that way, right? Like it doesn't actually prioritize us. It prioritizes getting back at the other person, which is a waste of our energy. I think our energy is better used, protecting ourselves and saying, how can I use this energy, not to get revenge on somebody who did something I didn't like? But how can I use this energy to get more of what I want?

26:40How can I use my time, my energy, like whatever, I'm going to spend my time on that is not that anymore to get more of what I want? How can I point it to what I want instead of pointing it at, I'm going to make them pay, you know? And listen, my Scorpios here, I know you love to make somebody pay. And I get it. I'm not mad at it, all right? I love Scorpios. But I want you to use that revenge energy, like use the revenge for yourself, right? Get revenge by living your best life, not by making somebody else suffer, okay? Yes, okay, I'm going to answer some questions, you know, I see some questions and some scenarios coming in. And I'm going to answer them. I want to read you a couple more things or show you a couple more things. And then I will answer questions, okay, so be ready. All right. This is the section that, you know, I was like, I might get pushed back for this,

27:41but I'm including it, which is women are complicit. This is our fault. So if we are allowing people, like if you never have free time and you are constantly watching your partner, right, your children, you know, especially older children, like teenagers, if everybody in the house got free time, except you, right, it's your fault. You've allowed that. You've basically sent the message that yes, it's fine for y'all to take up every inch of my life and every second of my time. And it is fine for me to never have a second to myself, to never have time to do what I feel like doing, right? And then we do low grade activities, like my friend Susan says, right, like low grade entertainment, like scrolling instead of reading a book or going to hang out with friends or going for a walk or doing something we really would enjoy, because it's like we're too tired to even do the things that we would enjoy, because we've let other people wear us out. Okay? So we really have to ask ourselves, why are we doing this?

28:42You know, so what about you? What are you tolerating at work? Are you allowing your, because this is not just about home life. This is also about work, because you know they love at certain workplaces to make whoever the woman is, plan all the office parties, you know? Just asking her to take notes in the meeting, even though like, don't we have an assistant for that, right? Or somebody else who does that? All of these little ways in which your time is taken up, you're doing additional work that you're not being paid for, right? So boundaries are required at work as well, you know? Same thing with, you know, your boss emailing you at night and on the weekends on a regular basis. Now, if there's an emergency, sure, right? Like I can understand that occasionally. But if this is happening all day every day, right? Like that is a problem and it becomes the norm. This is what happens, right? You allow the boundaries to be encroached and then it becomes the norm, right? And then people expect it, okay? So are you sleeping with your smartphone under your pillow in case your supervisor has an idea at 3 AM, right?

29:50Have you taken on a whole host of new responsibilities without the promise raised that was supposed to accompany that pile of additional work? I've heard that story way too many times where, you know, your job description expands exponentially, but there's no discussion about a raise or promotion, either now or in the future related to it. Are you allowing your coworker to keep dumping work on you that he should be doing himself? This used to happen when I was in law school. I was in a legal, I was in a, basically we had a law clinic and I was, I had clients that we were representing and I was paired with another young man who was a law student. I did all of the work, okay? All of it. He did bupkiss, okay? And I would try to get him to do things, but he wouldn't. You have a group project with somebody who just will not pull their weight. And so like you're like, I'm not going to get a bad grade, so you just do the whole thing. And then I remember, you know, our client won, but my professor didn't like how we won.

30:50And so my professor chewed me out afterwards. So I did all of the work. The other guy did nothing. Then when it came to chew somebody out because my professor, even though I still won the case, he didn't like something I did when we were at court. And so he chewed me out about that, said nothing to the other guy. I remember I was enraged. I remember, I this yearly remember today, stomping down the hallway after leaving his office. Like with burning hot tears coming down my cheeks because I was so angry that I worked so hard that I won the case that I got the client exactly what she needed. And it still wasn't enough. And this man didn't do shit. He didn't get reprimanded. No one even mentioned, right? Like what happened? My professor expected the world from me and expected nothing from him. And this is what happens. This is the culture. We expect the world from women and we expect absolutely nothing from men.

31:52And I'm just, I'm not having it. I'm sorry. I'm done with it. Okay. All right. Y'all get the point. So what is the solution? The solution is boundaries, right? We have to put boundaries in place. We not only have to put boundaries in place, we have to communicate those boundaries. And then once we communicate them, we have to actually enforce them. All right. So I feel about that. Do you feel good about boundaries? Do you feel like you really need to work on this area of your life? Tell me in the chat what you're thinking or what you're feeling about the whole boundaries thing. I now have a chart with a movable arrow. It says available. Focusing but can be interrupted and focusing. Don't interrupt. I color code it like a stoplight works most of the time. I love this. Yes. Let people know. Listen, I just want you to know. My phone stays at my phone is on silent 24 seven. Okay. My husband and my children will ring through and my sister like basically the closest people in my life.

32:52If they call me twice back to back, it'll ring through. But other than and you can set that up on your iPhone. But other than that, my phone is on do not disturb at all times. All right. I do not want my phone going off constantly. I turn notifications for every single app. Every single thing under the sun. Off. My phone is more important than my own focus. Right. Jen says I have a question. I read this chapter and set some boundaries. I do have more time, but cleaning. Neither of us enjoy it, but I'm willing to pay for a house cleaner. But my, my hobby is an on board. Okay. But last time I checked, you grow. So you don't have to wait for him. You could just say, listen, my solution is we're higher than cleaner or you could do all the cleaning. Right. And I'll do something else. Right. If you really don't want to spend the money on the cleaner, great. You do the cleaning. And I will do something else. I'll do paperwork, right? Because our lives are filled with paperwork that has to be done. Whether it's like renewing our passports or going over bank statements or applying for this or applying for that, whatever it is, you know.

33:53So and I think it's important just to say like this is a priority for me. My goal is to not clean at all. So if you don't want to clean or that's fine, but I'm going to pay for a cleaner for me. So basically say you could clean one week and on my weeks I'll have a cleaner come. Because that's what I'm choosing to do with my money and my time. Right. That's another solution to that. But these men love to be like, no, I don't want to pay for that. Okay. Then who's going to do it? Because 90% of the time they ain't doing it. Right. They're not going to do it or they're going to do less than you no matter what. Right. They go find a way to somehow be doing less, but then also don't want to pay for help. Listen. I haven't. All right. Fight them. Okay. All right. All right. So boundaries are the solution. There are a lot of misconceptions about boundaries, right? Many people, like I said, think of boundaries about controlling what other people do to you and around you. And that is not true. Boundaries are not about controlling other people in any way.

34:56Try as I might to tell my toddler to stop whacking the spoonful of mashed potatoes out of my hand when I'm trying to feed him. He just keeps doing it. Right. You can control him any more than you can control your boss, your romantic partner, or your bestie who insists on going back to her shitty acts for the seventh time. Okay. But what you can do is decide how you are going to behave and what you are going to do in response to any given situation. You do not set a boundary to control other people's behavior. Boundaries aren't about saying no to other people. Boundaries are about saying yes to yourself. Okay. That's where my boundary comes in with my toddler. And he waxed the spoon full of food out of my hand and it winds up all over my clothes and the floor. I get to decide what my reaction will be. I get to decide what I will do when he does that. And my decision is to tell him no. Stop feeding him and take him out of his high chair. Meal time over. Now he understands that when he waxed food out of my hand, I'm going to assume he doesn't want to eat and shut it down. All right. Because I do this consistently, he has stopped whacking food out of my hand when I'm trying

35:57to feed him because he wants to actually eat. Right. He understands that if he wants to eat, he needs to eat. The food and I keep throwing it in this situation. I use a boundary to say yes to my sanity and no to wearing mashed potatoes, right? Like that's an example. So here's some other examples. If you stop airsing the phone when your boss calls late at night, your boss will probably stop calling you after hours because they can't reach you, right? And even if he doesn't, who cares? Your phone's on Do Not To Stir. You know, and you no longer get pulled into non-emergency situations at 9 p.m. at night, right? And if you and your honey agree that you will cook and they will clean, but you keep it winding up cleaning the disastrous kitchen every night before bed, then you can choose to stop cooking for them or stop cleaning up after dinner and just leave the mess, right? You can't make them clean, but you can stop doing the cooking you never want to do in the first place, for example, right? No anger, no fighting, no attempt to control others, just a boundary and your own freedom from a situation that isn't working for you, you know? Same thing with your girlfriend who keeps going back to the X and then keeps calling you

37:00to talk about it and you get on the phone and they run it, you know, go right into a story about it and you can say, you know what? I love you and I support you, but I do not have time to have a conversation about this. I have to go. Talk to you later. Bye. You bang up the phone, right? I can't make you stop going back to your X, but I can stop listening to it. You know what I mean? This is not a good use of my time. So that's what it looks like to be a woman with boundaries. So on page 71, we have another chart because you know, I love a chart with examples. Okay. So let's look at this. So you keep a mental scoreboard of every broke ass boundary. You keep a mental scoreboard of everything you've done in the house like a bad round of family feud while making your loved ones guest why you're so pissed. We'll go with she's mad. No one is picking up the damn dishes to you. Million dollar boundary. You have a real and vulnerable conversation about sharing the responsibilities in your household, outlining clear outcomes if needs aren't met. Here's the thing I will say too. If you have people in your life who you've had you feel like I've talked about my boundaries

38:04or communicating my boundaries and it hasn't changed anything. How have you done that? Because if we only wait until we're in rage to have these conversations, it's not going to land well, right? If we're screaming or we're really, you know, hot and bothered, the other person is immediately going to get defensive. Like that's a natural response, right? So maybe wait until you cool down and then go have a real conversation and say, listen, let's be grownups here. This is not working for me, you know? And here's why it's not working. And here's what I need from you. And here's how I'm willing to show up. Can you do that? You know, that's a very different way at coming at someone and having a conversation about it than when you're pissed and stomping shit and throwing shit. And trust me, I've done both. Okay? I don't think I'm above a slamming everything because I'm mad. You know? So listen, I've been there, but that is not the most effective way to get what you want, right? So better to have the conversations about boundaries when you're calm, when you're feeling

39:06more even, you might even make a couple notes because if you know it's an emotionally charged topic, like make some notes before you go into the conversation, all of that will help you. Okay? Have that. You know, have that conversation and really get a better response and really enroll someone in your cause, right? Instead of screaming at that. You know, sometimes you feel like it's 100% justified, but I don't think it's the most effective way to communicate your boundaries, you know? And then also too, you've got to be willing to shut it down, right? Like when your boundaries are violated, make sure you have your plan B, right? Like this didn't work out the way that I wanted. You didn't respect my boundaries. So now here's what this looks like, you know? So yeah, that's the way to go. So let's look at another example of this. Your family member asked to borrow money from you. You are not comfortable lending money, but you do it anyway. She doesn't pay you back at the agreed time and you are irate, but say nothing.

40:08Who here has been in that situation? I know I have, right? So that's a broke ass boundary. A million dollar boundary would be your family member asked to borrow money. You are not comfortable lending money, so you say no. The end, right? You are not responsible for people's emotional response to your boundaries. So if you say no and someone feels mad about it or feels hurt by it or whatever, that's their problem, right? Like those are their feelings to handle. You handle your side of the street, which is I'm not going to do it if I don't want to do it, you know? My personal rule is to be a joyful giver. So if it doesn't bring me joy to give, I'm not giving. I'm just going to say no. And deal like whatever the fallout is, it is what it is. But my answer is no because I don't want to, right? And if I'm a generous person, so if I don't want to give something to me, that's information, that's valuable information that, you know, that it, like my, my self is trying to tell me. So I don't ignore that. I follow that, okay?

41:10All right. I'll read one more. An old client decides to launch a competing business. Okay, we're my entrepreneurs. And steals your intellectual property and tries to pass it off as his own. He even goes so far as to file a trademark application for it, afraid of fighting a legal battle, you change your company name and let him steal your work. Okay? This is far more common than you would believe. As a former IP lawyer, I can tell you it's very common. An old client, so a million dollar boundary, an old client decides to launch a competing business and steals your intellectual property and tries to pass it off as his own. He even goes so far as to file a trademark application for it. You hire a lawyer, send him a cease and desist letter and suit up for the whole, for a whole lot of not having it. He immediately withdraws the trademark application and issues and apology, right? Standing up for yourself and saying no, right? Like this is not acceptable. Okay. So tell me what questions you have about boundaries, right? I would love to answer your questions before I give you your homework because we have

42:13really good homework. Okay? That I want you to check out. But here's the main thing that I want you to understand. We are participating in our own oppression. When we just do whatever anybody else says we should do, when we do not communicate our own desires and create limits around the way other people can waste our time, our money, our energy, right? And to use our and have access to our time, our money, our energy, our stuff, right? Like all of it. We're not receptables to dump other people's requests in, you know? And so let's not participating and let's decide what is my priority. Let me put my priority like in the jar, you know, first, right? Like my priorities are the big rocks. And then based on what I have, from what I have left, I will support other people. You know what I mean? That's what that looks like, right? What do you want? What's a priority for you? How can you make sure that lands on your calendar? How can you make sure the energy that you're putting forth is going to your priorities as

43:15number one? And let's be clear, as women, it is almost always the case that our priorities actually serve everyone, right? Me prioritizing the growth of my business has helped everyone around me. Okay? Literally everyone from extended family members to my immediate family to others, right? And so many people have benefited, right? From me deciding to start my business and make it a priority. Same thing, writing a book, same thing, right? So I am sure that when you prioritize your goals and priorities, what's going to happen is it's going to help everybody, okay? Okay, Pauline says also getting a cleaner is like a cyclical environment as you are helping someone with their small business do something they like or are good at. So you get to work on your small business. Win-win exactly. We're all winning. Okay? We can all win together. Okay. What other questions you have after this live is over, I'm scheduling a cleaner because you're absolutely right. Let me tell you what, Jen. So I just want you to know this is the gateway drug to domestic health.

44:16I started with, I started, I used to dream about this as a kid. I always hated cleaning my room. I've always hated cleaning. It was my goal in life. Okay? As a young person, was to make money so I could pay somebody else to clean my house. Because I always, I used to get in trouble all the time as a kid because my bedroom would be a mess. Okay? Now my house looks like a hotel. It's immaculate every day. And so I went from, I had a cleaner once every two weeks. Then I went to a cleaner weekly. Now I have a full time house cleaner. Okay? So she's there eight hours a day, Monday through Friday, and the house is spotless. And she has more than enough time to, she does the laundry, she does the ironing, she takes care of the house, and we take care of her. By paying her well and providing benefits. And it's a huge win-win. You know? And I never have to clean. And my husband will clean on the weekends, right? Like he'll do the straightening up and stuff on the weekends. We also make the teenagers clean on the weekends. So that's how we do it.

45:17What are your thoughts on writing a job description for your partner? Sitting there as down and showing how much value even if it's not dollars we contribute? Yes. Exactly. I love the idea of putting it in writing and saying, this is all the things that I do. And so I look this up and in order to get somebody, this would be like a house manager or this would be a house manager, a nanny, and a personal assistant, right? And if you put all these hours together, this is how much it would cost to hire someone to do all the things that I do. You know? So like helping them understand the value of your work and how, you know, like they need to start also putting some value in instead of just taking value all the time. And I have an exercise for you in just a second that I'm going to share that is going to help. Any other questions? What other questions do you have? I don't make a lot currently, but I have a million dollar mindset. Yes, that's all it takes. Okay, that's what I started with. I work hard and his drive stops after work. He is helpful, but when it comes to our daughter or our house, I take the lead. Okay. So here's the other thing.

46:18This is the other part of this. And we have to be honest about this. Sometimes we have all the work because we want to control how the work is done. Okay. So it's like you got to do it like this. You got to do it like that. You know, like this is how I want you to, you know, cut up our daughter's food. And this is what kind of clothes I want you to put her in. And these are the activities I want you to take her to. And you know, my husband and I had this conversation. He said, I will do all the things. But and I, you know, he of course listens to a lot of my input and feedback about our parenting. But also what like I'm away right now. He's like, yo, I don't feel like taking them to some activity on Saturday. That you set up. I'm not taking them to that. We go on the movies instead because that's what I like to do with my kids, you know? So I can't control every little thing that's going on in the house when I'm not there. Right. I can't control every little thing and how it's done. Like if you want to make chili for dinner instead of lasagna, we're having chili. I don't care. I didn't have to bake it. You know what I mean? So I think we have to release some of the control because whoever is in control also

47:21gets most of the work and it's whack. So that might be part of the equation as well is like, this is now your domain. I don't care how you do it. Just get it done. And I'm going to be over here doing these things. Let's divide and conquer, right? I have a great podcast episode that I did with my husband years ago. It's on the Hello seven podcast. So if you just go scroll back in the feed and look for my husband and you will see like a conversation that we had about division of labor that will be helpful and listen to it with your partners. Have them listen to it so that they can see how we talked about it. Both of us. After setting boundaries, how have you managed to reset your nervous system from the aftermath of not setting boundaries? Okay. So to be honest, I've always had decent boundaries, but I've gotten better right over time as I've gotten older. But I think resetting yourself is just sort of, you know, walking away. You know, I realize that as long as I'm present, people are going to ask me 1,000 questions,

48:22whether it's my team, whether it's my children working on something, whether it's my husband doing paperwork for us. Like if I'm sitting there, they're going to ask 1,000 questions. So I leave. Bye. I'm not going to be present. I'm exiting the building, going for a walk, I'm going to the gym. I'm going to go do something else because as long as I'm there, they're going to try to suck me in is what I realized. So I have to actually leave physically relocate. Okay. Go do something fun. Go do something nice for yourself. Get out of the house. So that could be part of it, right? Like just making time for you, scheduling it and leaving. The other thing is just remember and make a list. Like I literally had an iPhone list in my phone, a no, I, I phone note in my phone that was like, waste to have fun. To remind myself like, what do I like to do for fun? Because I've forgotten. And then I'm like, oh yeah, I like to read. I love to dance, right? I love to go to new places and try like new restaurants and try different types of food. I love to travel. I just had to start like remembering what I like to do.

49:25So sometimes I would literally take myself out to the local Thai place, nothing fancy but delicious and bring a book, have a glass of Prosecco. Okay. You know, delicious meal. Read my book while I do it and be delighted with myself. Like take yourself out for a meal. That's one of the things I started doing too. Like sometimes in the house, like there's so much going on and I feel like I want to kill everybody. I literally be like, I'll be back. I don't tell anybody where I'm going. And I go take myself out to dinner to a nice place too. You know, get a nice meal, get dessert, everything that I want. Read a book, bring my headphones, listen to a podcast and just have delicious alone time. Okay. Even when my daughter was a baby, I used to go to Barnes and Noble two or three times a week by myself, right? So like I was breastfeeding. So I breastfeed her and I knew I had like three hours till her next feeding. I would hand her off, go out to Barnes and Noble. She was an infant and I would sit there and I would read and I would journal and I'd have a nice cup of tea or coffee or whatever, browse the books.

50:28And that was like my time to restore, you know, during a very busy time in our lives, we're taking care of an infant, you know? So like how can you get some of that time, put some time for fun and for what you enjoy in there. Okay. Okay. What's about one boundary you wish you had set earlier in your career? Work hours. Okay. So you have to work hours. When you work all night and all weekends, you are one, never going to be able to replace that. No employees going to work all night and all weekend for you. So you got to like come up with work hours that are reasonable. You get diminishing returns like when you're on hour 10 or hour 12 of your work day, what you're giving is whack compared to hour one or hour two when you're rested. So I like what I wish I would have done from day one is set regular business hours. Like I'm going to work from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Or if you like to work in the evening, great, work from 3 to 10, work from whatever hours you prefer and just set up your work day, right?

51:29Like as an entrepreneur, so that you have boundaries and so that, you know, the work is not spilling over because here's what happens when you have constraints and you're only working certain hour, amount of hours in a day, what's going to happen is you're going to do the best work, the most important work, not all the busy shifts, right? We spend three, three hours a day, answer and stupid emails that nobody cares about, right? Instead of doing the deep, important work that really moves the needle. So that's one thing I would do. Household wise, what else would I do? I think I would have hired help a lot sooner. I think I had to hang up like I was a bad mother if I hired a babysitter to come help me out, even though you know how it's like we hire babysitters because we're literally not available, right? So we'll hire babysitter only for our work hours or we'll hire babysitter only for like we have to go to this important event that is somebody else's thing. We don't hire babysitters for like just coming on Wednesday because I might want some time to myself like and I'm home, but you're going to hang out with these kids and I'm going to do what I want to do.

52:31That's what we should do. Okay, don't give yourself the bare minimum. Give yourself a little bit more than that, you know, even if it's only a little bit just to like have some margin. We need margin people, okay? Margin. First, financially, energetically with our time, we need margin, okay? All right, one last question. What else? What else do I got? Yes, single mom need to be alone in my house for a good amount of time in Madder so much. It really does. It really does. Okay, any other questions hit me with one last one if there's any others and then I'm going to give you all the homework. Let's see. My husband and son were kicking in screaming when I said boundaries, but I stood on them and eventually they accepted them. Yes, Denise, thank you for being an example. I love it. I love it. It is so true. You really have to stand on business, okay?

53:32So like be strong. People are absolutely going to push back when they are used to getting more from you, right? They're going to push back when you start taking and saying, no, you can't have all that anymore. You know, you used to get all my time. Now you can only have this much of my time. Of course, people are going to, there's going to be friction and you have to accept that. That's part of the journey and getting through that friction is part of the phase that you have to go through to get to the other side. Maybe I also need to do some thought work because for some reason I have anxiety about setting boundaries. Yes, Chelsea, of course you do. And I used to also because we are taught that we have to be nice. We have to be kind. We have to tell you give everybody what they want. It's very uncomfortable when you're new to setting boundaries, but I promise you you can do it, right? So just start with like what's the, what's something that has been frustrating you, something that you've been tolerating, some way that you want your time back, right? And just look at one thing that you're like, okay, this I'm not doing anymore, right? And you declare that for yourself and then you communicate that to whoever is expecting

54:32that of you. That's not going to be happening anymore. And that's it, right? You don't have to give reasons, but if you want to, you can say this doesn't, it doesn't work for me anymore. I'm always tired or I don't have the energy that I need or I don't have time to prioritize what's important to me. So I'm not going to do that anymore. Honestly, we dress, rehearse disaster. Whenever we think that when we communicate a boundary, people are going to yell and scream and be angry and rage and all these bad things are going to happen. Stop dress rehearsing nonsense, right? Half the time you're going to communicate a boundary and the people are going to be like, okay, cool. Like I don't love it, but I get it. I got you, you know, people who love you in your life are going to know when you're serious and they're going to react accordingly. And even if they don't, it doesn't matter because you're setting the boundary period. So I want to implore you to just try, just practice, even though you're uncomfortable, even though you have anxiety, that's okay. Anything that we want, we got to be able to push through the discomfort, okay? How do you know what a boundary is protecting your peace versus holding you back from an

55:32opportunity? Ooh, this is a good one. It really does depend on the scenario because for sure you could have a boundary, right? For example, like I have a boundary that like, you know, this is my fee for speaking gigs, which is like right now, I don't even know what it is. Honestly, I don't want to make it up. My speaking age would know. But I have a fee that I charge, the five figure fee for speaking gigs. And but there are times when somebody wants to meet us, speak on a stage where I'll wave the fee because I want to be in front of that group of people or because I want to help out that organization, right? So like, I think it's important to just always be tapped into your desires. Like, what do I actually want and does this get me there? You know, that's what to think about like when you're trying to decide because sometimes we can become so like rigid about our boundaries that we actually miss out on things that we do want. So that's the thing to think about, okay? All right. I'm going to give you all your homework.

56:33So if you turn to the end of this chapter, so it's page 77, here's my action stuff for you. I want you to choose one thing you are done tolerating. I want you to set a boundary and then communicate that boundary to whoever needs to know. And if you want an extra challenge, review areas of your life where your boundaries may be lacking, right? Calculate the cost of this lack of boundaries in actual dollars using your effective hourly rate to calculate it. Okay. So let's talk about this. So my team just put this slide on the screen so you can see here's the formula to calculate your effective hourly rate. So like, this is basically how much you're earning in the world. So it's the total amount of money you are making each month. It doesn't matter the source side hustle. It could be child support you receive. It could be your paycheck. It could be dividends. You get from an investment, real estate income. Like if you have property that you rent out each month, whatever it is, total amount of money that you bring in every month divided by the hours you work each month, all

57:39right? That equals your effective hourly rate. So let's say you make $5,000 a month in gross salary and you also work a 40 hour work week, which means 160 hours, right? So most people, if you work a 40 hour work week, 160 hours you would divide it by. That gives you your effectively effective hourly rate. So in this case, for $5,000 salary and you work 40 hours a week, your effective hourly rate is $31.25 per hour. Okay. So let's say your sister frequently drops her children off to be babysat by you while she goes out and has a night on the town, right? Let's say this is happening every week and you love your nephews, but you also got other things to do. And that five hours of unpaid babysitting every week is costing you $156.25 per week. That's your effective hourly rate times the five hours of babysitting you're doing weekly. Which adds up to $625 per month, right? And so it helps you to have dollar amounts. So start thinking about this, right?

58:40Think about what your effective hourly rate is for the money that you bring in and generate. And then think about, okay, if I charge that hourly rate for doing the dishes, doing the household management, right, doing the cooking, doing the grocery shopping, doing the doctor's appointments and the whatever else, right? I'm doing 50 hours of labor, you know, and my hourly rate is, you know, let's say it's this 31, 25, right? So now it's like more like three grand a month that you are not making. You're not earning because you're using all that time to do free stuff. And if you think about it too, right, if your effective hourly rate is $50 an hour or $100 an hour, and it will cost you $20 an hour to hire somebody to do some of this for you, pay the $20 an hour, right? The math, math, it makes sense to pay someone to do some of those things so you could keep earning at the level that you earn, right? So like if you make $100 an hour and you pay somebody $20 an hour to get the cleaning

59:42off of your plate, that's $80 an hour you just got back. Are you following? Does that make sense? So I want you to do this math as your homework, okay? And you can find the exercise on page 77 and page 78, okay? I want you to do this exercise. And then let me know next week how this lands for you, okay? And what this helped you to figure out in terms of million dollar boundaries, okay? So that is your homework. I hope you enjoyed our book club time today. I'm sorry, I was a little late. Next week might be a little funky too because I'll be traveling. I'll be in Los Angeles. So I will probably need to shift the time, but I will send a text out. So if you're not on the mailing list, definitely get on the mailing list. Maybe my team can put it in the chat or put it on the screen for how you can sign up. I think it's hello7.co slash road. Hello7.co slash road. And the reason why it's called road is because it's the road to the new book.

1:00:42So you know how when a movie comes out, you love the movie and then the sequel is coming out, you go watch the first movie first. That's what we're doing here. We're revisiting the original, right? The first installment, which was We Shall Be Millionaires. And then the sequel to this book is coming out in the near future. And I'll tell you more about that soon. So definitely sign up for hello7.co slash road. So you get all the details. And then if we change the time we can let you know. And the other thing is, I want you to be on that list so you can be there. Is it next Wednesday? My God, yes, next Wednesday, we're going to do a really fun activity together. It's not a webinar. It's going to be fun and entertaining. We're going to have prizes and I'm making a really big announcement. So I hope you'll be there for that next Wednesday. It'll be in the evening. If you go to hello7.co slash road, you'll be the first to hear about it. And maybe we've already sent emails. I don't even know. I've been in Italy. Okay, jumping in the Mediterranean. But anyway, if anybody is going to the Create and Cultivate Festival, I'm speaking and

1:01:48my team and I will have a booth there. So if you're going, we'll see you there. And if you're on our mailing list, you can get discounted tickets. We gave out a discount code. So if you're on our mailing list, just look for that email and you can get a discount to go to that event. Okay. So all the things. I'm just here to show up in every way possible to help you. Okay. I can't wait for the 16th. Yay. I'm so glad. Me either. All right. I'm going to go get some fabulous food here in Paris. I'm going to send this to all the people in the judgment for having a cleaner. Please do, Andy. Let them know that Rachel Rogers said, get you a cleaner. Send out your laundry. Okay. Give part time babysitter to help you out so you can have some free time. Margin. All right. We're not here to be stressed out and exhausted. We're here to win. We're here to live our best lives. We're here to get these millions because that's what we deserve. Okay. Any questions? All right. See y'all next week. Thanks for hanging with me. Bye, y'all. Here's what you need to do next.

1:02:49Join me for the Hello7 AI Accelerator. Spend two weeks with me and I'm going to show you how to become a power user of Claude. I'm going to show you how to use AI not just as a chatbot, but as your assistant where it is doing work for you while you are sleeping. You're going to leave this training knowing how to train Claude, to get you clients and serve you up leads every single day. You're going to learn how to use it to manage your inbox and handle all of your scheduling. This is an advantage that we need, especially as entrepreneurs from historically excluded backgrounds. This is a leg up, a huge advantage that's going to allow you to grow your business exponentially without spending a lot of capital to do it. So join me for this AI Accelerator and let's get you to that million a whole lot faster. Go to hello7.co slash AI Accelerator and sign up now.