BOYFRIEND ASSERTED that he was residing briefly with his former partner while SEARCHING

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Boyfriend asserted that he was residing briefly with his former partner while searching for

his own residence.

However, after a span of two years, I was still unable to pay him a visit or acquaint

myself with his companions, nonetheless, I found out I was the side chick.

Tim and I have been together for two years.

We are both foreigners living in Europe.

Tim's have been changed.

Tim is a very private person in general, and so maybe some of the strangeness stems from

that.

In order to explain everything, I think I have to start at the very beginning.

Tim and I met at an event for native English speakers after each of us having lived here

for a year.

We hit it off immediately.

Later that week we went to a pub crawl with other people from the event and hooked up.

Only a few days later we decided to meet up again, but when trying to decide if it

could be at my place or his, he told me it has to be mine and he'll explain why later.

For the record, I do not live in an ideal situation to be having people, much less men,

over, and he was completely aware of the situation.

He came over and told me that he is currently still living with his ex-girlfriend of about

three months.

He had his own room and everything, but because he had prepaid for six months of rent to

lend her some money, he was staying there.

Okay, so yeah, I know this is weird.

But who am I to judge?

He says they are definitely broken up and I'm just sleeping with the guy right now, so whatever.

A few weeks go by and we decide to start dating exclusively and officially.

He says he's just living with his ex, who will name Stephanie, temporarily for another

three months, and then he'll find another place.

Alright, so it's a weird situation, but I trust him, and he'll leave in three months.

He complains about having to live with her and says it's uncomfortable.

He also told me why they broke up, which was because he caught her cheating on him with

her ex at a party, so I'm not worried about them getting back together.

I'm not 100% comfortable with the situation, but it's manageable.

A few months pass and Tim doesn't move out.

He says he's now got his own little apartment in the same house, but that it's so much better

for him to stay there because he doesn't have to buy any furniture and the rent is cheap.

Remember we're foreigners, so buying a ton of furniture that you're just going to have

to sell when you leave is annoying.

He eventually starts saying that he's going to bring me over there to show me that they're

living separately and whatnot.

Long story short, that never happened.

Every time I asked him to ask her about it, he'd say that she'd get upset and blah blah blah.

Apparently she was aware that he had a girlfriend, but didn't like it and wanted to get back

together.

After a year, he finally moved out.

Not into his own place, but into the spare room at his buddy's house.

I had been to this buddy's place before, only once, though, and that has been the one

and only time I've ever met one of his non-mutual friends, which is suspicious and strange

on its own.

I didn't help with the move, not for lack of trying, so no, I never saw him move his stuff

there.

Again, this was a temporary solution until he found a place of his own.

Through various circumstances, company being bought out which lead to job insecurity, him

being extremely picky about finding an apartment, he is still yet to move into a place of his

own.

It's been about 10 months since he moved into his buddy's place, and I've yet to be there,

even though I've asked many times.

He always says yes, but then later says that he doesn't want to intrude or be a nuisance,

et cetera.

So essentially, I've never seen where he lives.

Those things, along with me never having met his friends or skyped with his family, are

the underlying basis for my suspicion, but here's where the real stuff comes.

Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I went Facebook stalking, I searched for tagged photos

of Tim because I know he's weird about his Facebook and doesn't let tagged pictures

and posts show up on his wall.

While going through the pictures, I found three pictures of him while he was visiting

home over the summer.

In each of the three pictures, there is a girl who is untagged and sitting next to Tim.

In two of the three pictures his arm is around her, but the pictures are more posed and

everyone's arms are around each other.

Two of the pictures are with friends, so I figured she's a friend from home, no big deal.

In one picture though, they are with his sister and her husband and daughter.

So a much more intimate picture.

I do not know what Stephanie looks like, and she doesn't have Facebook.

I can't find a picture of her through googling, but I think this girl might be her.

I don't know exactly why I think that, but I do.

I did some more Google research and found Stephanie's grandmother's obituary.

She died in January.

So after Tim would have moved out of the house indefinitely after they should have been

broken up.

And yet, on the obituary his name is listed next to Stephanie's as members of the family.

I do know that he was close to the grandmother and that she left him stuff in her will,

but still I'm suspicious.

If what I suspect is true, that means that he was able to hide this from me and her for

two years, which is honestly just impressive.

Right now, though, I'm stuck.

I'll come back up pretty soon.

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I don't want to bring up my relatively weak evidence with him until I can be sure, because

I'll just have an excuse and I'll just accept it because I want to trust him and be with

him.

I don't know how to get any more proof that the girl in the pictures is Stephanie or how

to know for sure one way or the other.

So that's where I'd like advice.

I'm not going to break up with him without knowing 100% because I honestly do love him,

but I don't know how I can know 100%.

Any advice or help is appreciated.

Although please be constructive.

Update 1.

So, it's been a while.

The story was developing and I didn't want to update without knowing anything for sure.

I never expected my post to get so much attention, and minus the few comments and PMs about being

a slut, I really appreciate all of the input everyone had, and I read every single comment

and message.

So first off, thanks to everyone.

As many people suggested I do, I started with a conversation with Tim, where I made very,

very clear how much the whole situation bothered me and why it was an issue for me.

I tried to show him things from my perspective and tried to make him understand why I was

so upset.

He said he understood and apologized profusely.

He cried and I cried.

He said it was never his intention to hurt me and that he hadn't realized this had been

such a large issue for me, and that he had been selfish about it.

He said it was all going to change and that I would meet his friends and see where he

staying, and get to Skype with his family, etc., etc.

He said I was the most important part of his life here and that he can't imagine his

life without me in it.

He said he wants to find an apartment for us to live together and that when I'm done

with school, he wants to go back home together for good.

He also told me that the girl in the pictures was an old family friend, and that he was in

the obituary because he's still as close with the family and they still wish I was a part

of the family.

I decided to wait and see if he actually held up his end of things this time, and so

we made up and all was well.

What I didn't mention is that during my snooping phase before this conversation, I found

the phone number to the landline where Stephanie lives and decided to give it a call asking

for Tim.

Stephanie's dad answered and when I asked for Tim, he told me to call his cell phone because

this was the landline.

So, not exactly helpful, before you guys freak out about the dad thing, the house is like

a duplex where the parents have their own half and Stephanie has her own half.

This is not uncommon in small villages here.

A couple days after Tim and I talked, he texted me asking if I had called Stephanie's

house asking for him.

I decided not to lie and admitted it.

He said that she texted him saying that some girl with an accent had called the house

asking for him and he immediately thought that it must have been me.

I explained that I did it because I felt desperate for answers and just wanted to know what

was going on.

I also told him that it was inconclusive.

He got very upset and said I had betrayed his trust and that I was acting like an insane

person.

He isn't exactly wrong about that part, but I explained that I felt forced to take such

actions because I felt like I was never going to get any answers any other way.

I apologized for the invasion of privacy and for bothering Stephanie and her family.

After a few days, he calmed down and forgave me, saying however, that this may push back

me meeting his friends because he told them what happened and they were pissed that I would

treat him that way.

I waited a few weeks to see if anything would change and unsurprisingly, it did not.

So, this past weekend, he got very drunk one night and I was able to open his phone with

his fingerprint while he was sleeping.

I found text from Stephanie from the day before talking about what they should make for

dinner that night.

He told me he was out of town for work that night.

I found lots of hearts and I love use and even him using the same pet names for her as

he does for me.

He told her he was going out of town this weekend for work and how much he'd miss her.

I looked through the past few weeks of messages between them and saw that he had sent her

quite a few of the same pictures that he had sent me.

He had invited her to have a glass of wine with his buddy and her girlfriend.

He picked her up from work multiple times and there were lots of conversations about who

was making dinner that night and what they should eat.

I went back and looked for dates where I knew he had slept over with me and he had always

told her he was crashing at a friend's place or out of town for work or something along

those lines.

I also found a group text message titled Family that included Tim, his sister, his mom

and Stephanie.

I looked at pictures of Stephanie that she had sent him and was able to very obviously

see that it was her and the pictures that I found on Facebook.

So you guys were right.

For the last two years, he's been living with her and seeing me on the side.

All the while telling me how much he loves and admires me and how we're going to have

a future together.

I have been duped and taken advantage of and I feel like a complete idiot because of it.

I haven't talked to him yet, but when he comes over later in the week, I plan to tell

him that I know everything.

I also plan to tell him that he is a complete asshole.

In my ideal conversation, he'd explained to me why he did this and what the fuck he was

thinking during all this, but I am pretty sure those are just things that I'll never

know or understand.

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Obviously, I will break up with him.

I also plan on contacting Stephanie with a letter telling my side of the story.

I will give her dates that I know he spent the night with me so that she can cross-check

them with dates that he did not come home.

I also plan to include a USB stick with pictures of Tim and me from the last two years and screenshots

of some of our conversations from the last couple months.

I can't make her believe me, but I want to at least do my best for her.

I feel like I owe it to her as a fellow human being to let her know what kind of man she's

been with for the last four years.

I am open to absolutely any advice on my plan and on how to move forward from this.

I won't lie, I feel so lost and so helpless right now.

By breaking up with Tim, I'm losing a huge part of my life in this country and I'm definitely

going to be feeling this whole for a while.

So any help is appreciated.

Thank you guys so much for listening and sorry this is long AF.

I got carried away.

Update 2 Again, I'd like to start off this post with a thank you to everyone who responded

with constructive and helpful advice.

I read every comment, reply, and PM.

So, I took your advice and did not try to have a conversation with Tim.

I realized that since he was so successfully able to manipulate me for two years, having

one last conversation with him was bound to end up with me doubting my findings and perhaps

my sanity.

I wrote Stephanie a three-page letter, detailing the relationship that Tim and I have had

over the past two years, making clear that it was serious and not just a fling.

I mentioned dates and events that most people would not have known about, and I included

the intricate lies and backstory that he had told me.

I included a list of dates from the last two months that he spent the night with me and

encouraged her to cross-check them with nights that he wasn't at home.

I printed out a few photos of us as a quick visible proof, and I included the rest of the

photos on a USB stick in the letter.

The stick also contained screenshots of any particularly incriminating conversations that

we've had over the last few months.

I scanned postcards that he had sent me from various vacations and included those as well.

For a safe measure, I also included a copy of the letter, in case the hard copy went

somehow mysteriously missing.

I gave her my email address and phone number and asked her to contact me if she wanted

to.

On Wednesday night, I had someone drive me to where she lives.

If Tim was there, I would just have confirmations that he actually lives there and we'd leave.

If he wasn't there, I'd ring the doorbell and hand her the letter personally.

We drove the 45 kilometers and Tim was sitting there in the living room on his laptop.

It was obvious he lived there.

She was nowhere to be seen.

His and her names were on the mailbox.

I called to see if he'd pick up and he ignored the call.

We headed back home.

On Thursday morning, I mailed the letter.

I insured that it was registered post.

In order to receive the letter she'd have to show her ID and sign for it.

On Friday, the letter arrived.

She was not home, so she received a notification to go pick the letter up at the post office.

On Saturday morning, she picked it up and I got an email of the receipt with her signature

on it.

Throughout all of this, I conversed normally with Tim and made excuses as to why he couldn't

come over during the week, so as to not tip him off to anything.

He stopped talking to me about 20 minutes after she picked up the letter Saturday morning,

and I have not heard from him since.

He has, however, de-friend me and my family on Facebook.

I have not heard from Stephanie either.

So, now it's really over.

I hope with my whole heart that he was not able to lie and manipulate his way out of the

situation with her, but I will probably never know.

I do not expect to hear from him again.

I feel very lonely, take an advantage of, and beat him down.

I am going to do my best to try to come out of this situation without trust issues and

without being cynical and jaded.

I am seeking therapy to make sure I don't slip into depression.

For now, I need to find ways to distract myself and fill up any free time.

Thanks again for all your help.

This really sucks, but I'll get through it and hopefully be a stronger person for it.

Quick edit, I forgot to mention that I'm going to go get tested on Tuesday to be safe.

Obviously if anything comes out of that, I'll do my best to notify both of them.

Next story, coworker who is married with kids started getting friendly because we live

in the same neighborhood, but then he told me my hot librarian look was a problem for him

and made it sound like I was flirting with him.

I started a new job this summer around the same time as another coworker, Mack.

Our office is one where we're often up and moving between different areas to complete tasks,

so there's a fair amount of brief socialization that goes on as paths intersect.

Mack and I have started to gravitate to each other often in that context.

I had assumed it was because we're some of the only employees in the same particular

stage of life, married with kids the same age, similar lifestyles.

We even discovered we live in the same neighborhood, just a few streets apart.

But Mack said something to me this morning that has me scrutinizing all of our past interactions

and unsure how to move forward.

He said, you have this whole sexy librarian thing going on today, and I think it's a problem

for me.

His statement was made with a bit of a smirk and a raised eyebrow, and it came across

like he was making a pass at me.

Now I'm looking back at all of our past interactions and wondering if I've been giving the wrong

signals.

I make no secret of the fact that I'm happily married and I love my husband, but I talk

to Mack more than any other coworker.

I'm also open, friendly, and quick to smile, but I'm like that with everyone.

Even our clientele regularly comment on my upbeat and smiley demeanor, and I am definitely

not flirting with any of them.

Not on purpose at least.

Now I don't know.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do from here.

In the moment, I laughed it off and kept moving to where I was going without comment.

I did do my hair and makeup a little differently today and wore my often neglected glasses,

so maybe I won't do that combination of things again.

I don't want Mack to think I'm interested in a clandestine office romance, but I don't

know how I should act around him going forward.

I'm not very good at turning off the happy that apparently reads as flirty.

Update 1.

I have an update regarding my coworker, Mack, who told me my sexy librarian vibe was a problem

for him.

Reading your response and all the comments was very illuminating.

I had been feeling as if I'd somehow brought it upon myself, but you and the commentary

it really opened my eyes to the reality of this being entirely on Mack.

I'm a little ashamed to admit I was too chicken to bring it up to Mack directly, but

I made a point of avoiding his usual paths and successfully dodged him for two weeks straight.

Last Friday he came to my workstation and asked if everything was alright, and said,

I feel like you've been avoiding me.

Well, I took a deep breath, summoned all the resting bitch face I could muster, and

said, Mack, you implied that your inability to manage your pants feels in the workplace

was somehow my fault for looking like a sexy librarian.

How exactly would you suggest I handle such gross comments in the future if not with avoidance?

His neck and ears turned bright red and he said something along the lines of, ah, I'm

sorry, I didn't, sorry.

Then literally turned heel and fast walked away.

I think I was in a state of nervous shock afterwards, my ears were ringing and I felt

strangely tingly, but also incredibly proud of myself.

I'll come back up pretty cool.

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First thing Monday morning, Mac came to my workstation again and gave me what seemed to be a

sincere apology.

He said there was no excuse for his comment, it was out of line and he was being an idiot

not thinking of the implications, that it would never happen again, and asked if there

was any way he could make it up to me.

I thanked him for apologizing and said I don't think this is something that you really make

up to someone, but to please truly ensure he never says anything like that again, he reiterated

it would absolutely never happen again and asked if I thought I could ever forgive him.

I told him that while I accept his apology, it'll take time to move forward and that

I don't really know what that will look like and to please give me space and time, summing

it up with it'll be what it'll be, please don't try to force it, he said, of course.

Again, I'm so sorry, and left my workstation.

I think I need some time to process Max apology and how I feel about him moving forward.

I'm still struggling to reconcile the friend I thought I knew with the lecture that made

that comment and now with the seemingly penitent dope I saw today.

People are complicated, but I at least feel like I can go back to taking whatever route

I want to get from point A to point B and I won't be walking on eggshells worried about

potentially running into him.

I think we can exchange trivialities and move about without issue now.

Thank you so much for your response, and to the commentary it as well.

Update 2

I am a religious reader of Aum and love update season.

I thought you all might enjoy another update on my situation with Mack.

I can't believe it's been over a year.

Mack never said anything sexualizing or out of line to me again.

We never got back to the kind of easy work friendship we had previously, but things were

cordial and while not necessarily warm they weren't chilly either.

Unfortunately something eventually came out that likely cements his comments as less

innocent than he portrayed them in his apology.

He was having an affair and his wife is divorcing him.

He's moved out of the neighborhood and no longer works here, which I'm grateful for.

This new development definitely made it harder to assume he didn't know exactly what he was

doing with his comments.

Thanks again for opening my eyes last year and to all the commenters that helped me find

my gumption.

I still can't believe I pulled that line with a straight face, and it still feels amazing

that I did, and thanks for all the wisdom and entertainment over the years.

Good way to keep reading more.