Caller: “Will My Affair Cost Me My Marriage?”

0:00I had an affair. It was a two-week, yearly, the cold thing. What did the affair mean to you? It got felt alive. It felt like something that was all mine. I just had this little thing that was just about me. It didn't have to be about the kids. It didn't have to be about my husband. It was all about me. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Doctor of John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad you're here. There's a trillion podcasts and you pick this one. There's a hundred trillion YouTube clips and you pick this one. I'm so glad you're with us talking to real people about real problems going on in their lives. Man, I'm just so grateful that everyone is here. Thank you so much for joining us. If you want to be on this show, we're talking about your marriages, your mental and emotional health, the affair, life after kids, life with kids, your mental and emotional, all of it. If you want to be on this show,

1:04click the link in the show notes and it will go to Kelly and she'll get you on the show. So what's a Salt Lake City Utah and talk to Emily? Hey, Emily, what's up? Hi John, how are you? I'm doing all right. How are you? I'm fine. Thank you. What's up? I am calling today because I want to know how to respect my husband's wishes after my affair. Who? Tell me more. I had an affair back in June and since then my husband has been on and off whether we should stay together or he wants to divorce me. Okay. So June, we're taking this call to the beginning of August and so that's pretty fresh, right? Yeah. Tell me about the affair. It was a two week, yearly, physical thing and it was some guy that I knew from back when I was a kid.

2:08My husband had just switched to being an over-the-road truck driver instead of an at-home truck driver. We've been distant for years, which of course is no excuse, but he gave me attention and I was hung as that. What, how long have you all been married? We just passed five years. Okay. The beginning of July. What did the, this is like a strange question. What did the affair mean to you? You know, I've actually thought a lot about that and the answer that I can come up with is that I felt alive. Like it was, it sounds dumb. No, it's the most common answer I get, by the way. I'm glad to hear that. It just, it felt like something that was all mine and it was, I got to have this little thing

3:10that was just about me. It didn't have to be about the kids. It didn't have to be about my husband. It didn't have to be about that I'm a responsible adult. It was just, it was all about me. And now there's a chance that your life may truly be just all about you, right? Yeah. Yeah. Whew. So how did your husband find out? Tell me about the aftermath because again, it's pretty recent. So she's known the whole time. Like I thought I was really good at hiding it, but apparently not. Okay. And he called me while he was on his way back from one of the states that he was in. It was just like, hand. And he did. Oh, you just cut out on me. He said he called you from another state. And what do you say? I guess he was on his way back because he's an over the road truck driver. He was on his way back and he was just like, I need to tell him what's going on.

4:10Something's going on and I know it's something's going on. And I was just, I start crying and I'm like, you're right. Like I've been having an affair with this guy and he was just like, what does that mean? I was just like, well, he's. We've been intimate. Several times. So then he was just like, I can't talk about this right now. After I get off work, we'll talk about it. So he got home and I'd already put the kids to bed by the time he got home and he was trying to figure out what exactly that meant when and how and kind of details. And then he was just like, I need to go somewhere for a couple days. So he left. He came back and he was just like, I don't want to divorce. Like our boys deserve better. My kids deserve better. He's got two kids from his previous wife and then we have two boys together. Okay. And I was like, okay, like I don't know how to make this better. But I do know that like this was on me.

5:11This was not anything you did that led me to this. He was just like, no, I have, I know I haven't been a good husband. And I was just like, even still it doesn't deserve this kind of betrayal. And he was like, I get that. So then we were able to talk and then it turned the next day where he's dreaming at me, yelling at me, done he wants a divorce, calling you all sorts of names. We have this punching bag that he brought into the living room. At any time he was talking to me, he's hitting the punching bag. Very aggressive like in my face. And then the next day it was back to, I love you. I'm sorry. I know I messed up. We can work from this. I don't trust you, but I know I need to figure out how. So then I told him what you said of here's how we rebuild trust. Is it the week by week kind of we're checking in? How can I love you today? Here's what I need from you and then through the actions insistently over time. Learn how to rebuild trust. He didn't like that very much.

6:14He wanted it a right away thing. Okay. So then after, I don't know, months maybe of going back and forth. This is the end of July. He said he just needed some actual space away from me and not just a couple days. So I took our boys to stay with my parents in a different state. And he called me a couple days into that trip and he was like, I'm done. Like I'm filing paperwork. I can't do this with you. Okay. So is as you filed? He has not. Okay. It is now, I've been back home for just over a week and it's pretty consistently. He's saying I still want a divorce, but then he'll come back a couple hours later. I want to work this out and I want to work this out. I just don't know how to get past it. Okay.

7:17Um, what happened in his first marriage? Um, they got married right out of high school, like high school graduation. They ran away together and aloved and then they had a kid right away and then another one a couple years after that and she had been having multiple affairs. Okay. That's what I was saying. Their entire relationship. That's what I like. And his mom had had multiple affairs throughout him growing up. Yeah. So like this cut steep for him. Yeah. The, so let me, let me say this above and beyond everything. Okay. I've heard you take ownership. I've heard you like regardless of your marriage wasn't great. He was on the road trying to provide for his family. Yeah. Yeah. You, you're taking full ownership. I went and slept with somebody else. Like I hear you owning that and that's good. The, the big picture though is nobody in any circumstance

8:19needs to not feel safe in their own house. Okay. So if he's making violent threats, if he's screaming, if he's punching things, why is he like, like, I'm leaving. I'm getting the kids I'm leaving. Okay. Now we all, I want to just put a, put a, like a nail in that coffin. Safety's first. Okay. So I'm assuming I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that like you've heard me say, I said, like you've listened to the show before. Like you blew the world up. And so there's some volatility there. Meaning one day it's going to feel good. Next day it's like this is insane. The next day it's going to feel good. Then at night all he's going to do is just keep having like, lightning bolts of images of you having sex with somebody else. And it's going to be layered. Like you said, on top of his first wife, cheat on him all the time. His mom blowing up his childhood home. And so yeah, you're right. There's a ton here. Okay. And probably underneath all of that is he swore to himself,

9:19especially after his first wife. I will never put up with this again. Yeah. Yeah, he said that. And then it happened again, right? And so he is at war with himself. Are you a guy that you can trust? That's what his body is asking itself. And if you don't keep your promises to yourself, you get them saying so that war, that volatility you're feeling is originating inside his chest. Okay. Okay. You're there in the room and you're the recipient of that up and down, but that war is inside of him. And so the first thing he's got to do is go sit with somebody and unpack it. I think space was wise. I'm glad he had the courage to say that. And I'm glad you had a place to go with the boys for several weeks. Space was good. But if he just used that space as a time to hit the punching bag and to replay his imagination,

10:19of you and this guy having sex over and over again, that wasn't productive time. In fact, it was in touch. It was in touch. I'm sure that appears it was. Okay. It was entrenchment time. It actually reinforced the fantasies, the stories. He's got just not the stories. The movies he's got playing inside it said. So when you told him what I say, you left out a key part. You're all good there. I love that. I love us out of kids. You left out a key part. And the key part is he gets to give you a path to reestablish trust. And you get to decide whether you as a grown woman are going to walk it or not. And so it's not just a matter of how can I love you today? And it is, I'm gone five days a week. And so here's what I'm going to ask of you. No, no, no, no, no.

11:22You're still there? Yeah, I'm here. Okay. Okay. So if he won't do that or can't do that, then nothing else works. Because he's going to be chasing a feeling. I'll trust her when I don't have these images popping in my mind. I'll trust her when. And he's gone five days a week over the road. So he's going to be chasing a feeling of trust instead of the actions of trust. Okay. And I have to, I have to be super honest with you. I understand and tell me if I'm out to lunch here. You know what you did violated your course in some value. And you know what you did hurt your husband. But I'm not hearing that you regret that it happened. I definitely regret it. If you could go back every single day, if I could go back and change it, I know exactly the moment where I was like, you know what? It's okay. Like I am so done.

12:24Like it's very aware of what I did. And I would change it in an absolute heartbeat. Okay. This was not worth those two weeks. Okay. This wasn't even worth once. Okay. So the question before you and your marriage is A, will he give you and the week by week is, here's what I want this week. I want to see your phone. I want to, I want to look at all of your messages. I want us to share a single checking account so I know where all the money is coming to go. I want you to check in with me every, I'm making up stuff now, right? I'm being ridiculous. But I want you to check in with me every hour when I'm on the road. I want to geolocate your phone. So I know where you are. So I can look whenever I have a panic attack, I'm driving, where's my wife, where's my wife. I can just pull it up and look. He's going to give you that map and then you get to decide whether I'm going to do those things. And then at the end of that week when he feels like, I don't feel like I trust her yet. A, that's right, but he's going to have a path. He's going to see she walked this path.

13:28Right. And so we're going to begin to teach our body that the feelings we have, because his feelings are going to do one thing. Try to keep him safe. And you aren't safe because you're just another and a long line of women who he trusted who heard him. And so like we're going to have to, he's going to have to see action steps and begin to recalibrate his feelings. And that's hard. It just takes time. But if he's going to throw around divorce, throw around on filing, then you'll need to have that conversation. Right. I'm already doing all of those things. Like we didn't have a shared checking account. I stay at home with the kids. He would send me money or give me his card when I need to go get something. Well, that's a, that's a stupid way to do a life together. No, that means you can tell me about it. I've tried to talk to him about it. I need a little bit of care. Well, and so reestablishing trust is he can't sit on the side of the river and watch you row. He has to get both feet back in that boat too.

14:29And that means he's got to have to risk getting hurt again. And that's going to be a scary proposition for a season. But that means I have to risk. Man, she did this too. I've got to risk. We got to go all in this thing together. Because part of that aliveness, that's going to be the lesson. I mean, that's going to be the thing you have to work on down the road, which is how do we create a liveness inside of our own marriage? We have two little kids. You're gone a lot. We have to be extra intentional about creating life inside of our own marriage inside of our own home. It can't just be that you sit at home, but as a, basically, a single mom with two kids, you're not in your trap inside your own home, and you're not allowed to leave. And you have to go beg daddy for money. That's not a, that's not a marriage. He's your dad. And you're the babysitter. You get what I'm saying? Yeah.

15:34I think the time... We'll do if he just wants to be done. Then you're going to have to own this is the consequence of what I did. Then you're going to have to work on being the best co-parents possible. I mean, what's the other alternative? Yeah. If he files on you, he files on you. But I think you're not asking that question and you're all kind of dancing around it, because he made a pretty grandiose proclamation. And you're right to not just sit there and take it, but to sit down and say, okay, a month ago, you said you're filing for divorce. I'm in limbo here. I've told you I want to rebuild this thing. I'm asking you for a weekly path. It's going to take time. There's not a light switch that you're going to be able to flip. And I understand that I, and in your first wife, your mom, I did it too.

16:40But I'm 100% recommitted to build this thing back up from the floor up. And tell him, if this is the truth, I'm not going to file on you. I never will. Or if you want me to go do it, because you don't have the courage to do it, I will. But you can't just sit there and limbo. The kids can't be in limbo. He can't just sit there and limbo. Okay. But, man, this isn't going to be fixed in 30 days. It's not going to be fixed in six months. Or fix is the wrong word. It's not going to be healed in six months. It's going to take a long time. Because this is a guy with deep, deep infidelity wounds already. But it is going to take both of you saying, what must be true for us to trust each other. So thanks for the call. I wish I had some better news for you. I think right now it's a matter of clearing the deck. And being really honest with each other and the volatility, the ups and downs, the big swings.

17:44He's going to sit with somebody. He's going to melt himself from the inside out. And you need to go talk to somebody too. Hang the line here. We'll get you hooked up. We come back. A woman asks how to revisit what was said during a fight after the apology. We'll be right back. The other day I went to the movies with my family. I used a driving app to get to the movie. I had to order my tickets online from another app. I had to order food in the theater using yet another app. Every app asked for loads of personal information. My home address, my phone number, my email address, my geolocation, my card number. And this was just to go to the movies with my family. No matter what you and I do, our personal information is everywhere on the internet. This is why I use and recommend to leave me. We give away our personal data all the time. And many of these apps and businesses turn around and sell our data for profit. There are hundreds of data broker websites collecting, posting and selling your personal information without your permission.

18:46And most people don't even know it's happening. Delete me finds your personal information on those data broker websites and their privacy experts get it removed for you, making you less vulnerable to personalized scams and spam. Delete me keeps monitoring and removing your information throughout the year and they send you reports showing you exactly what they found and exactly what they've removed. Giving away your information sometimes is unavoidable, but delete me helps you take back control. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloni and get 20% off an annual plan. That's joindeleteme.com slash deloni. All right, Salt Lake City Utah. Let's talk to Sarah. Hey Sarah, what's up? Hi, just hanging out in my car because make sure kids are here. Very cool. So what's going on? So pretty much, I'll keep it as simple as that. Just how do my partner and I actually talk about the things said during the fight

19:47after the apology or after you know, it's kind of just set down. How do we talk about it and move forward? Don't know what happened. So I guess there's like a specific one that afterward I was riding and rode into you. But it's kind of a repeating pattern where just as usually I bring up a want and I try to make sure to dress it as like a want in our relationship and then instead of it just being the conversation about that, he'll bring up like, well, I see it's more like character personality issues of me. And it kind of, I guess, more so. The original problem gets dropped and then becomes like a bigger issue.

20:52It can even be really long until we both kind of just get tired of it and either both to apologize because we don't, you know, we love each other and we don't want to be in that fight or and it doesn't but it doesn't we don't really move forward. You know, tell me to keep happening. Yeah, long conversations, long grown-up conversations never solve a problem. Ever. Sometimes they are cathartic and they feel good because everyone's just tired. And I can give you a path for solving an actual issue. But there's something, in my guts, affect there's something beneath this. So give me a real example. You told him one day, hey, I want this. And he responded with what? What did you tell him and then how did he respond? So the situation that most recently happened was very small compared to

21:54other ones we've had. But I kind of a bigger issue, I wanted better communication with his work schedule. Something for a long time, we've kind of had issues with where if he's working late, I just want to feel like thought about, you know, he doesn't have to tell me what time he's coming home, he doesn't have to have like a clear plan. But I just want a quick text like, hey, I'm not going to be coming home, you know, like it's going to be a late night, just something. Where does he work? He got, he is a plant manager at a machine shop. Okay. And there's not a regular routine or schedule. No, it's kind of been, we're in one of those seasons in a winter storm, where the shop kind of has turned over. He just became the manager, new ownership the last year about. Okay. And it's

23:01kind of just the season of a lot of hours. I actually ended up last week personally working there for like 15 hours to help out. Just it's a busy time and just meeting deadlines. This isn't forever, this is just a messy season. Yeah, messy season. There's even like an extra strategy for like this whole project, but even before that, it shouldn't be like, yeah. So what in the world, what in the galaxy could his, could he have a problem with you saying, hey, at five or six, can you let me know? That seems like a basic form of human decency. That's not even a way you treat your wife. That's the way you treat a roommate. That's the way you treat any human on the planet. Hey, I'm not, it's times going to be a late one.

24:04What in the world is the, the negative response to that? I'm sorry. No, you're good. Did not think I'd get a massage. Sorry. Well, you're walking around your own home, feeling like you're a nagging lunatic because you wanted just, hey, are you coming on a six or at midnight? That's human decency. It is very refreshing to hear that not in my own way. You're not, you're not insane, Sarah. I know many wives who were like, no, no, I want to know the minute. And if I'm going to call your supervisor and how dare you come home late, that's not you. You're just saying, hey, I need to know if to put an extra plate out. Yeah. Yeah. I need to know if I need, if I'm going to go to bed early tonight or if I want to stay out with you, I want to be a good wife. I'm going to be plugged in. I've tried to explain to him like, I'm good. I have, so we are blended. I guess family.

25:10We have a lot of, it's been a rough road. I have four kids that we have 50, 50 custody. And so that our house half time. And like, like, he is amazing. Like, when he's there, he's so plugged in. He does breakfast and he packs lunches. He's really an incredible person. But it is just the feeling of being communicated with. And I've said that to him. Our household functions really well. And like, it's not a need. It's not a logistic. Like, there's not a, hey, I have to have you do this because it's, and I've told him like, it's just I want to feel like, you're thinking about me that we're sharing this life together and that you know that, you know, we want you home.

26:12And like, and if you're not coming home, like, that's totally fine. But like, that you know, we're here. And what's his response to that? What, how does he turn that into a character issue about you? Well, it kind of goes away from that because the response to that is kind of more so. Just you got pulled into a meeting and didn't see the time. And you know, didn't realize how late it was. But then it gets like moved away from that conversation completely into he was frustrated that I didn't consider his day. But like, he had, and like, he validly did. I did think about it. Because like, I feel fairly like a participant in his shop. And like, he did have probably one of the worst days. Just he was preparing for an audit. And like, it was, it was probably an

27:15unbelievable stressful day. And like, and so his, he was like, you know, you don't consider me. And, and there's just so many things of, you know, I don't consider, yeah, I didn't consider his feelings. And then also, there's no space for him to talk in the conversation. If I have negative feelings, then that's, you know, that's the atmosphere for the relationship. Like, I control my feelings, control how we are. And you're kind of losing me. It's getting really abstract. I, I'll give you the path forward. Okay. Like the getting, there's a lot of scorekeeping going on on his side. It sounds like, look at all I'm doing. I've scored 30 points. So you need to score 30 points. That's just how marriage works. Marriage works with some days I need you to score 50, because I can only score 10.

28:20And some days I'm going to take care of all four of these kids. And I know you're having a crazy day. I know that. And I still love you. And you're not out to lunch to, to wish he would step aside and be like, this day is bananas. I love you too. Or maybe he's not a, I love you to text or kind of guy, whatever. But hey, I'm going to be late tonight. You all do dinner without me. And so if you've given yourself a mantra, I'm okay with this season. I'm okay with the nature of the shop. I'm okay with this. And you're not. I want you to be honest with yourself about that. Okay. Yeah. If you're drowning in four kids all over the place, all by yourself, because he's working 15 hour days, I want you to be honest about it. I got to get some help.

29:23Especially if this is just a season, this is the way things are going to be for a while. And but they're not going to be this way forever. Great. We're building something together. Awesome. The path for, I want to solve an actual problem. You've probably heard me say this on the show. I'll repeat it for you, but it's pretty simple. And it's not foolproof and it's not a motion proof. In fact, it's often the opposite, but it is you saying the story I'm making up is when you're fully working, I'm a bother to you. Thinking about us as a bother. And when you're working hard, the story I'm making up is you don't think I'm working hard too. The story I'm making up is I'm not worth a text message to say, hey, thinkin' about you. And what ever, and you going first saying, here's what I'm making up. And those stories make me feel

30:26small. Let me feel less than. Let me feel real real sad. Let me feel like I'm doing this all by myself. Because otherwise he's going to think his head, I'm working 15 hour days and I'm taking care of all this madness and trying to provide. And I get up and I do lunches and I do this. And now she wants one more thing from me. And what we want to get away from that. Too, he's just trying to run through a checklist. Because it sounds like the real thing is you miss your husband. Yeah. And so saying, here's the stories I'm making up. Here's how I feel about them. And here's what I'm going to do differently. Whenever I wonder if, why you haven't texted, I'm going to text you. And I'm going to start assuming if I don't hear from you by five or by six that you're not coming home for dinner. And I'll play it accordingly.

31:30I guess I kind of, I probably listened to your show too much to be honest. I have tried that. And I've tried to have that conversation with him. I've tried to show up that way. It doesn't work. He doesn't care. And yeah, it doesn't really feel like he's scorekeeping. I recognize that my recognition that he does show up so much. He's not putting that out necessarily as an attack. But it's just the, and I think for a long time since we stop dating each other. I feel like we stop to dating each other. He just, he's that work. He comes home. He wants us to be convenient. And I've tried to rewrite the narratives in my head. And I, part of me

32:37wants to be able to keep with that. But after weeks of just telling myself, I know he cares. I know that, you know, like I see the things that he does. And I know that's his way of showing me. That's the problem. It's my responsibility and my marriage to speak in a language that my wife can hear. Not to do all the things that I want to do and expect her to interpret that. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And so there is, the most telling thing you've told me on this call is the expectation is that we're convenient. And that is an expectation that goes out the window when you take somebody else and say, I'll marry you right or die until one of us dies. That's not convenient. There's nothing about

33:40love that's convenient. There's nothing about marriage that's convenient. We're building something. Yeah. The challenge for you is it sounds like you've done the things you've set down and said, here's what I would love. Here's what I want. Here's what I want us to build together. And your husband said, I don't want that. Am I overstating it or is that true? He has said, I want to work on my career. I want to help out with the kids. And I want you all to kind of stay out of the way. Yeah. That's what it feels like sometimes. That's a hard, hard place to find yourself. Hang on the line. I want to hook you up with my buddy, Luke LaFever. I want you to go through his,

34:45he teaches journaling courses, but he helps you get to the feelings beneath the feelings beneath the feelings. And I think right now you feel so lonely and right now you feel just nuts. And I want you to go through his course. So hang on the line here. I'll get your information and I'll connect you with Luke and he'll put you into his course. But I want you to go be a part of that for a few weeks or maybe a few months. And there's something you can do on your own and it won't cost you anything. But I want you to go through this and I want you to begin to develop your voice and not a dramatic, this is my voice. I want you to develop. Here's what's actually going on in my chest. Here's what I actually feel. And here's what I now know beneath the feelings, beneath the emotions. Here's what I know to be true. Because I don't want spouses to have to manage each other. And I don't want spouses to be this is going to be an inconvenience to hear how my wife feels about something

35:49so that I can get on to the more important things of scrolling or having my alone time or being left alone. That's not a life. It's not a marriage. And yeah, if you're not married yet, I mean, you're getting a visual of 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the road, but you're signing up for. And maybe he got hurt bad in his last marriage and he circled the walls up and said, never again, like it hurt like that. I'm going to manage every moment of my life. You get to decide whether you want to be married to that or not. Thanks for the call. We come back. A man asks that to honor his parents while moving forward with his marriage. We'll be right back. You know what I keep talking about Cozy Earth because every Cozy Earth product I've ever tried has been great. So great that they've become integrated into my home. I love Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets. They're soft. They're breathable. They're temperature regulating. I've got them on almost every bed in my house. I love Cozy Earth's

36:51towels. They're awesome. I got the huge thick and ridiculously comfortable ones and I got the thinner waffle towels. They all survive multiple loads in the dryer. They're the best. And I'm not a pajama guy, but my wife and my daughter love their Cozy Earth pajamas. They've started changing into them way before bedtime because they're so comfortable. Most companies have one thing they're known for. Cozy Earth somehow makes everything incredible. Go to CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozy earth dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. And if you get a post purchase survey, toe Cozy Earth, you heard about their amazing gear right here on the Dr. John Deloney show. Make home the best part of your life. All right, Allentown, Pennsylvania. Let's talk to Chris. Hey, Chris, what's up? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm all right, brother. How are you? Excellent. I'm doing great things for taking my call. You got it. What's up? So I am getting married in a couple of months. Congratulations. I did about that. Thank you. Yeah, great

37:58support system. I'm just super excited. My parents are not in support of the relationship or the marriage. And so I just wanted to talk to you a little bit about how maybe I can move forward relationally with them in this season and try and work through some of those things with them. Sure. How old are you? Yeah, I'm 35. Okay. Why don't your parents support your marriage? We are all of us involved in the situation or born again Christians, but they might might be out there has been married and divorced before and my parents are just very opposed to any kind of remarriage after divorce. It's a belief system thing. So I'm going to sound crass or I'm going to sound not crass. Call us. Is that okay? Yeah, please. All right. So I like as I'm going to say things like obtucally like I keep saying dorky words. I'm going to say things real direct. I don't want you

39:00to push back on me if I'm wrong. Okay. Yeah, it's one of the things I'm a little about your show. Go for it. Okay. You're 35. Hey, yes. Are you going to marry this woman? Yeah. Are you? Yes. Okay. Then who cares what they say? Here's next thing underneath that. They've judged a lot of things you've done over the course of your life and held that over you for a long time. True or false? True. Okay. They always have had opinions about decisions you've made and decisions they haven't made and often their opinions are wrapped in some sort of faith value system of theirs. True or false? Yeah, true. Okay. So let's not expect anything different this time. The question you have to ask yourself is are you still going to marry here? You said yes. Yes. B, you had a fantasy, a picture, a fantasy. I always use that word. It's the wrong word. You had a picture that you painted. They were going to be standing next to you

40:07at this wedding. They're not. And that. So now I'm going to retract what my first statement I said who cares who they think? Of course you care what they think. They're your parents. And not only that, they are using the same label for their value system that you use for yours. But it's different. And so they're trying to weaponize your value system against you because you all both use the same label for your value system. But your values are very different than each from each others. And often that happens when people want to control what other people are doing. Are they going to come to the wedding? No, no, I don't. I don't think so. Okay. So there's going to be a season of grief. Be sad. In this may be an open door for you to finally begin to unhook yourself from they get a vote in the decisions that you make. You still love them. Still going to treat them

41:09with honor and respect. But they don't get a vote in the decisions that you make. Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. And I agree with all that. I do some counseling myself. And that's the advice that I would give certainly. It doesn't make it easy. No. No, no, it doesn't. You know, like you said, it's a belief system thing. So at the end of the day, I am objectively wrong. And they are objectively right. And it's hard to have a relationship when they're on God side. And therefore, I'm not. So tail is old as time. Yeah. All right. I mean, you probably heard that that in a war, both sides are praying to their God. All right. One of them is going to move. Right. And so as long as you try to morph and twist your value system to match

42:16theirs, nothing about their life will change. You will just become a diminished lesser version of yourself. And if you haven't already, I would take the time to write down your personal values. And the day after you get married, not the day after that's kind of lame. But shortly after you get married, you and your wife or beforehand is a part of a premarital thing. Like write down who are we going to be? Let's have a joint value system for our marriage. I mean, for God's takes, we do it in our businesses. You're a minister. Is that what you said? Yeah. Yeah. You all have your church has core values or whatever. Like, I don't know why marriage just don't have that. Marriage is should. This is who we are going to be. And then other people get to opt in or out of your value system. But I'm man, maybe I might be reaching. But just the fact that you're asking this question at 35 tells me they've been hovering over you your whole stinkin life. Fair?

43:24Yeah. And at some point, you have to have the courage to say, yeah, don't get a vote. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's exactly where I'm at. I don't, I don't mourn that. I mean, I don't, I'm fine. Moving on and making decisions. I am. Is that kind of relationship worth pursuing? Obviously, they don't get to say they don't get a vote. My wife and I get to determine what our life is going to be. I think you said I'm a letter. I mean, that just says, I'm sad you're aren't going to be able to make it. I understand you are making a principled decision. And I respect your right to make this principled decision. I'm going to miss you. And we hope to have kids someday. And I hope you'll be a part of their lives. And if your principles don't allow that, it'll make me sad. But you're adults and you all get to make your choices.

44:25My front door will always be open. And then they get to choose where they walk in it or not. And the most people are not prepared for the heartbreak on the other side of that sort of statement, that sort of boundary, if you will, when they choose to not walk through it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Because they would rather be right in their version of right than be in relationship with their freaking son, man. That sucks. That's the worst. Yeah. Yeah. Makes sense. Do you and this woman do you all plan on having kids? I'm not sure. Okay. I'm biased. I hope you do. But I don't want to put my bias on everybody. But I hope you do. But here's the thing. The thing here that you can control is moving forward.

45:35My kids will know wherever you happen to be. I'll be right there. I'll chase my kids to hell and back. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Absolutely. It's definitely changed my perspective on that and looking to the future in that in that way. That's true. You will probably, if you truly metabolize it, you'll probably enter into a pretty dark season of anger. Because this has probably been happening a lot. And you could probably go back to elementary school and middle school and your college choice and the relationships you did it didn't have as a young adult, the decisions you made where you lived, you'll start to realize, oh my gosh. These people have been using their set of values to force me in a particular direction my whole life. By the way, since you're an adult,

46:35they haven't forced you. But sometimes it takes a while for that to come on, right? I've made choices to stay attached to their value system. And I don't, it's not a part of my life anymore. And by the way, I say this often on the show, the executor of my will, one of my greatest friends on the planet is an executive at a bank. And my day job is telling people to get out of dead. Right? A co-host of financial show that helps people get out of debt. That means that when it comes to that core value, every day of his life, he goes to work trying to get people to borrow more money. And that means that the core core value, every day I go to work, I'm hoping his business fails. And every day he goes working, he's helping my business fails. And he's one of my best friends on the planet. Right? So it doesn't mean I'm not going to be in a relationship, it doesn't mean I'm not going to love you. But it means we don't agree on everything. Great.

47:43But if his front door is open, like it was two days ago when I was in another state, I'll walk right through it. And he welcomed me with open arms. And his awesome wife did too. And my son, who they haven't seen in a couple years, I wanted him to see my son. What a cool kid he's grown into, what a great young man he's turning into. Because they were a part of his life when he was really little. And so our disagreement on a shared value, sure didn't stop me from walking in there wide open door, and sure didn't stop them from opening that door for me. You know what I'm saying? Wow. Yeah, those are the best times of relationships in my experience where you can look at each other and say, we disagree on this, but come on in. I mean, that's exactly who I want to be. Yeah. And it would have been awesome if your dad sat you down as a 35-year-old, and he's 65

48:43or however old he is. And he said, hey, I need you to know, I happened to read scripture in this way. And I think that what you're doing is not wise, or isn't right, even. But you're my son. And I'll stand here with you. I've spoken my piece. And now I'm a stand here. That would be awesome. And the grief is, it's not how it played out. Yeah. And I hate that for you. I hate that for your parents for God's sake. When we sit there on their couch scrolling their phones while their son's life is transforming. They're choosing right over relationship. Good for you. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

49:44And then your work that you got to do is you got to have people in your corner that are 10, 20, or 30 years down the road from you. Especially as a guy who other people come to counsel. That means you especially need wise counsel. Yeah. I found so much comfort in the past seven, eight months in family that I've chosen, friends that I've chosen versus my own family. So it's, it's a strange transition. But I'm grateful. I have people in my life. I don't feel like I'm alone or floundering, but it's right. But yeah. And there's still going to be a hole there. And it's, it's not tough or cool just to blow over it or to pretend it's not there. What it like it is, it's there. It stinks. It's the worst. Yeah. So yeah, this is your independent state brother. This is like the freedom day. I want you to spend some time developing your core values. And I take back what I said earlier, I want you to you and your fiance to do it before you get married. Who are we going to be?

50:46What are our core values as husband and wife going to be? In terms of hospitality, in terms of loving service and caring and commitment, like all those things, who are we going to be to each other? Who are we going to be as a United Front to the rest of the world? If we do have kids, again, I'm biased. You should have 50 of them. Like, who are we going to be to them? To their friends? Let's do that hard work. Yeah, absolutely. You're right. I'll do it. And I'll tell you, I'm, I'm a big fan of marriage. I'm happy for you brother. Congratulations. Hope this is the time of incredible celebration. Joy, laughter, dancing, silliness, fun. I hope you all build an amazing life together. Thank you. I'm excited. Yes. All right. Hang on the line here. I'm going to hook you up with the together app. That's going to be my wedding gift for you. I'll give it to you for a year.

51:49I'll help you and your new wife get started on the right foot. With some daily microhabits, some daily action steps you all can take together towards each other to build an amazing marriage. Thanks for calling brother. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Health. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times. But then no one sees you snap at your spouse. Then I'll see you sitting awake at 2 a.m. running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where Better Health comes in. Better Health will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists. Someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying. They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. Better Health therapists all follow a strict

52:53code of ethics and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall is an weakness. It's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a Better Health therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com slash deloney for 10% off. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Alex. Alex. How's the IVS situation? Under control today. Can confirm. Can confirm. I saw you back there eating a bloomin' onion though. My bad. Not really. I would never eat a bloomin' onion. Even if I could eat onions. I would neither. Not a fan. So people didn't like me giving you a hard time about your onion sensitivity?

53:57Apparently not. I'm okay guys. I'm okay. I'm not offended. I appreciate the support though. The internet people came out full support of Alex and his onion sensitivity. I'm trying to imagine 150 years ago if your dad was an onion farmer and you were like, Dad, I can't do it. That points natural selection. I probably just die. Man, I got kind of dark. See? That's what... I wish. Here's my dream. My dream for the internet is that if people see an exchange, like me giving him a buddy, Alex, a hard time. Their first thought would be, man, that's awesome that they are good buddies. Not that you're in some sort of abusive work situation and I'm this tyrant podcasting YouTuber. Well... Okay.

54:59All right. Hey, listen, if you're still listening, I created something called the weekly run down. This is a step-by-step play-by-play PDF. It's as simple as can be for you and your spouse to do a weekly check-in together about what's coming up this week. It's a version of what me and my wife do. We've been doing it so long. We don't have a list that we go by anymore. It's just kind of innate, but this is a step-by-step guide. It's for free. Click the link in the show notes and we will ship it over to you. It's a weekly run down playbook for you and your spouse to get on the same page and build an awesome marriage. Love you guys. Thanks. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.