Classic Radio 03-21-26 - Orson in for Jack, Ego Builder, and George the Genius

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Now, the greatest radio shows of all time.

Suspense, the shadow node.

Washington, calling.

Classic radio theater.

The great gilder sleeves.

Faber McGee and Molly.

Dragonet, gunsmith.

The lone ranger.

Now, step back into a time machine with your host, Wyatt Cox.

Good evening, friends of the NSA.

Comedy on this Saturday episodes of the great nut swipes program starring Orson Wells, Ozzy and Harriet,

George and Gracie, my friend, Irma, and Piber and Molly.

And I should say Orson Wells on the great nut swipes program is actually sitting in for Jack, who is very sick.

Alrighty, and we thank you for joining us on this Saturday.

21st day of March.

This is the 80th day of the year, 285 days remaining.

Charles Lindbergh presented the Medal of Honor for his first transatlantic flight on this date in 1928.

In 1952, Alan Fried presented the Moon Dog Coronation Mall, the first rock and roll concert in Cleveland, Ohio.

At a press conference on this date in 1962, President Kennedy discussed the protests of Army reservists who were being called to serve in Vietnam.

You've heard the quote, life is unfair, but here's the president, put it into context.

There's always an equity in life. Some men are killed in a war, and some men are wounded, and some men never leave the country.

And some men are stationed in the Antarctic and some are stationed in San Francisco.

It's very hard and military or in personal life to assure a complete equality. Life is unfair.

More than 58,000 American men killed in Vietnam and a war we weren't allowed to win proving life is indeed unfair.

Alcatraz, a federal penitentiary on an island in San Francisco Bay, closed on this date in 1963.

In 1965, NASA launched Ranger 9, the last series of unmanned lunar space probes.

In 1965, also on this date, Martin Luther King, Jr. led 3,200 people on the start of the third and final successful civil rights march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.

This march from Selma to Montgomery will be as historic in American history as Gandhi's march to the sea turned out to be an Indian history.

The historic marching King's participation in it greatly helped raise awareness of the difficulty based by black voters in the South and the need for a voting rights act passed later that year.

And also on this day, busy day in 1965 as President Johnson committed the U.S. spully to the Vietnam War.

It is and it will remain the policy of the United States to furnish assistance to support South Vietnam for as long as is required to bring communist aggression and terrorism under control.

Now at the same time North Vietnam rather and now say would support the be at Kong till the Americans were driven out.

John Lennon, Yoko Ono, traveled to Amsterdam on this date in 1969 to begin a bed in for peace where they stayed in bed for eight days except for bathroom breaks to draw attention to the cause of peace.

I can handle that. Later they spoke on the importance of the event to a BBC reporter.

First of all we made people laugh and that's good. I mean John and Yoko are like the wind, you can't see it but when it passes the trees bend, you know, and that's what we do.

And they had a lot of results apart from us getting a nice film out of it and probably an album. A lot of people wrote to us and sent word and people from the state all around the world.

And just instances like some guy wrote and said now because of your event and I'm saying I'm not joining the RAF and I'm growing my hair.

Now all we are saying there symbolically instead of kicking a shop window and say do something I grow your hair for peace.

For me it wouldn't be a protest. I'd just like to stay in bed for eight days.

It was 1970 on this date, the first Earth Day Proclamation issued by the San Francisco Mayor Joseph Aleoto.

Minko Boja crashed during a ski jumping craft championship in Germany on this date in 1970. His image became that of the agony of defeat guy in the opening credits of ABC's wide world of sports for deep for years.

President Carter announced on this date in 1980 a US boycott of the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow to protest the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan.

I can't say at this moment what other nations will not go to the Summer Olympics in Moscow hours will not go.

I say that not with any equivocation the decision has been made.

65 countries boycott of the games because of the Soviet war in Afghanistan though some athletes from some of the boycott in countries participated in the games under the Olympic flags four years later the Soviets would boycott the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles.

On the season finale of the soap opera Dallas on this date in 1980 the infamous character J.R. Ewing, Larry Hagman shot by an unseen assailant leading to the catchphrase who shot J.R.

In 1989 sports illustrated reported allegations that tied baseball player Pete Rose the gambling.

In 2000 Pope John Paul II made his first ever pontypical visit to Israel and the Biden Supreme Court on this date in 2000 ruled the government like authority to regulate tobacco as an addictive drug.

The social media website Twitter now X launched with the first tweet by co-founder Jack Dorsey and you can follow us on X if you go to our web page classicradio.stream you can find us there.

The link to get you know if you're into the X thing and for place officers shot and killed on this date in 2009 a fifth wounded in two shit shootings in Oakland, California.

Passing away on this date in history actor Sir Michael Redgrave Dean Martin Sunday Paul Martin actor McDonald Carrie these are the days of our lives.

Jack Rambo from Dallas and guns will sonnet Bobby short find singer the man behind the gong show Chuck Barris and a year ago today we lost both first lady of Massachusetts kitty do caucus and George Foreman who named

dollars boys George but find boxer actor business man made a lot with those George Foreman gills passing away on this date in history Johann Sebastian Bach actor Jimmy Coco and musician Eddie money all born on this date in history.

They're performing on an entirely higher plane.

Hi, this is Jeff Foxworthy. It is now time for the birthday announcements the following people are now officially older than dirt.

He was bond James Bond in the living day lights and license to kill two movies Timothy Belton 80 years old today.

Sandra on the Cosby show Sabrina Le Ball is 68. He won an Academy award as Winston Churchill in the darkest hour Gary Oldman 68.

Now is the time to negotiate in order to obtain the best conditions possible.

Hitler will not insist on outrageous terms. He will know his own weaknesses. He will be reasonable.

Listen, be learned. When will the sun be learned? How many more did teachers must be a wound? A piece? Good God. Give it a minute.

Just before we learn you cannot reason with a tiger when your head is in its mouth from the darkest hour Gary Oldman 68 today.

You knew him as Ferris Wheeler in Ferris Wheeler's day off and more games Matthew Broderick 64.

I want to be a producer with a hit show on Broadway.

I want to be a producer lunch at parties every day.

I want to be a producer sport a top pat and a K.A.

Oh, from the very funny movie the producers Matthew Broderick 64 years old today.

Rosie O'Donnell also 64 today.

Here's how it gets fun in the media. Rosie big fat lesbian loud Rosie attacks innocent pure Christian Elizabeth and I'm not doing it.

Rosie O'Donnell 64 today. From Ace of Base the Joker Jonas Bergen 59 today.

Haley Smith and American dad Rachel McFarland is 50 and Clint Eastwood son Scott Eastwood is 40.

Those just feel the people celebrating the 21st day of March is their birthday if this is your birthday.

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Alrighty.

Let's go in a moment to the Great Nut Flates program.

Usually stars Jack Benny, but this time around.

Orson Wells is filling in for Jack.

We'll tell you about that in a moment.

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This is Mike Voilo of Lexicon Valley.

And I'm Bob Garfield.

Are you one of those people who sometimes uses words?

Do you communicate or acquire information with, you know, language?

Hey, us too.

So, join us on Lexicon Valley to true over the history culture

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and the wait what stories that make you sound way smarter at dinner.

Subscribe to cool stuff daily now because the future is happening fast

and it's way too fun to miss.

So I did a check in during the break and yes, my memory was accurate.

Jack Benny was very sick.

He was suffering from pneumonia.

And in 1943,

pneumonia was still very serious.

And so, Jack was hospitalized and was off to show for what was it that came up with here?

Five weeks.

He was off for five weeks.

Well, I'm not sure what he was going to do.

I don't know what he was going to do.

What was it that came up with here?

Five weeks.

He was off for five weeks.

Well, it's filled in for four of those weeks.

From March 14th until many should turn on April 11th.

His comedic timing.

Well, I'll just let you hear it because you'll find this is a very fun hour.

And the one of the great things that Wells does during this show

is he pokes fun at himself.

The caricature of Wells is the ultra-brilliant, ultra-savisticated, ultra...

Well, the genius that Wells was always thought to be exists in this universe.

So let's go back 83 years, March 21st, 1943.

And yes, great Netflix was sponsoring the show.

Because at this point in time,

Jello wasn't...

Well, it was produced, but not in the quantities that where it could be really sold.

Because of wartime rationing.

So post moved from supporting Jello to great nuts and great Netflix.

I think I'd rather have the Jello.

83 years ago, March 21st, 1943.

Orson Wells.

The great nuts flakes program starring Orson Wells,

who's pinch-hitting for Jack Benny,

with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson.

How's this for a pretty good little motto I saw in the Taylor Shop the other day?

A man is not completely well dressed unless he wears a smile.

Pretty good philosophy, huh?

And ladies, wouldn't you like to see your husband leave for work every morning

with the same completely well-dressed look as smile?

Well, the right kind of breakfast is certainly a great little starter offer.

And I can't think of a man or boy who doesn't like crisp,

toasty-brown, great nuts flakes.

And I can't think of a better break for you, ladies,

than this easy-to-fix, nourishing, breakfast cereal.

There's a teasing, pleasing zest,

weeding great nuts flakes.

With that moly-rich, sweet-as-a-nut flavor,

your favorite great nuts flavor in toasty-brown flake form.

And great nuts flakes are a whole grain cereal, you know,

so they bring you grand all-around nourishment.

Better make it great nuts flakes at breakfast tomorrow, ladies,

and remember, great nuts flakes are not racial.

...

That was something for the boys played by the orchestra.

by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we would like to turn the clock back to yesterday

morning and show you what happened when our whole gang visited Orson Wells at his motion

picture studio where he is writing, acting, directing, producing, and enjoying his new

picture. Mary had just returned from the east the night before, so Phil and Dennis stopped

by her house to give her a lift in the studio. Will you please stay on the outside driver,

we have to make a turn up here. Take an easy goalie lock so I know how to handle a car.

Okay, sister, okay. If you want to drive, come up here and sit on my lap. Nothing doing,

honey, that'd be pleasure driving and they'd take away my gas book, catch on. Oh, Phil,

behave yourself. You know how nervous I am today. Listen, Mary, there's nothing to be

nervous about. You're just going to meet Orson Wells and he's a nice guy. Well, I hear

he's very temperamental. Sure, he's temperamental, but who wait? Take me, for instance.

You? Sure, my age was cold this morning, so I

said to Alice, listen, movie star, go out in the kitchen and give me a retake on this

hand fruit. I told her. You know, Mr. Harris, that's the way I'm going to treat my wife when

I get married. I'm going to be the boss like you are. Who said I was boss? I'm still

coming egg out of my hair, Bob. You know, women in the morning is poison. Watch your driver,

you nearly hit that lamp post. Well, I'd like to see you drive and straighten your girdle

at the same time, brother. Well, they ain't no excuse. Oh, leave her alone, Phil, I know

just how she feels. And getting back to Orson Wells, I think you did a great job in the

program last week. What did Mr. Benny think of him? Yeah, I had an old sniffle snoot

like the show. Well, when Orson called up Mr. Mortimer, the sponsor and balled a heck

out of him, Jack thought, sure, we'd all lose our job. He was really worried, huh? Was he?

He pulled a string out of his pajamas and tried to hang himself on the bedlam. He was

hysterical. Hey, Mr. Harris, isn't that the studio right ahead of us? Yeah, pull up

here, driving. Okay, go a lot. How much do we owe you miss? Skip it, handsome. Just

give me your phone number. The meter says a dollar and a half. Don't underestimate yourself,

Jr. So long. Gee, I don't know what women see in me. Me neither, and I'm a woman. Come

on, let's go inside the studio. Wow, get a load of that sign over the gate. Where? Right

there, through these portals past Orson Welles. Ain't that classy? Hey, who's this fellow

coming to us with the long black cape and sword in his hand? Well, that must be the gate,

man. I'll ask him when Mr. Welles is. Hello there. Paul Folletson, state my mission and

having heard I trumpet to the walls and sound I welcome. Now, let's all get a load of

that character. Yeah, pardon me. Could you tell us what stage Mr. Welles is on? All the

walls of stage, and all the men and women milleplails. I'd give a million bucks if I could

march mouth like that. You will find Mr. Welles on stage five. Thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Harding is such sweet, son of. The dyes shall say goodbye till it be mulled. Long fellow.

That shake there. Oh, yes. All right, come on. Follow me, kids. They're stage five right

over there. Yeah, I wonder if I should have given that cape driver my phone number. Now,

play hard to get. That's my motto. But, Dennis, you can figure that out some other time.

Okay, but I want to get married while I'm young and beautiful. No use waiting. I got

to have a talk with that kid. Any time, any place, Mr. Oh, quiet. Well, here we are on stage

five. Being an actor, I'll lead the way. Oh, that's Mr. Tuttle Quirtle, Mr. Welles,

the secretary. Hello, Mr. Tuttle Quirtle. Hello, Dennis. I'm right in, folks, Mr. Welles

is expecting you. How is the old boy, old boy? Oh, he's been in a marvelous mood all morning.

His uncle died and left him a pound of butter. I don't see Mr. Welles around the set. Where

is he? He'll be here shortly, miss. At present, he's in his dressing room with his valet,

changing into formal dinner throws of the next season. I found this blasted tire always comes

out longer on one end than the other. Oh, valet, valet, right here, Mr. Welles. Rochester,

Rochester, let me ask you something. Yes, Mr. Welles. Why is it that I am able to write

act, direct, and produce a motion picture, and yet I can't tie a simple little bow knot?

It's the same with me, Mr. Welles. I can cook, drive a car, clean the house, and answer

the phone, but I can't make it eight the hard way. Here's your couplings, Mr. Welles. Thank

you, incidentally, Rochester. Why don't we continue with that interesting game? You've

been teaching me the one that involves those little spotted ivory cubes. You mean Central

Avenue Shovelboard? Yes, that's a fascinating sport. I don't think you ought to mess around

with those cubes anymore, Mr. Welles. Why not? If I make one more seven, you'll be handing

me my couplings. And understand it ever since you introduced me to this game, I've had

bad luck. Well, with my dyes, don't look for any improvement. They work so well together,

I call them Abboton Costello. Oh, I see. Here, let me help you into your tailcoat. Thank

you. By the way, Rochester, I noticed a dab of ketchup on my gray suit this morning.

You may have it. Thanks, Mr. Welles. ketchup is hard to get nowadays. I mean the suit,

the suit, suit is yours. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Well, thanks, Mr. Welles. Thanks very much.

What are you so excited about, hasn't Mr. Benny ever given you an old suit of his? Just

a warning war with Teddy Roosevelt's rough riders. But I ain't got a horse. Oh, in that case,

I should give you a horse to find a rabian steed. Mr. Welles, what in for you is paradise?

Come in. Yes, Miss Harrington. Ready for you on the set, Mr. Welles. Here's the next

scene we're shooting for your approval. Good, I'll glance over it. Oh, no, no, no. Now,

this will never do only an idiot could compose such a drivel. But, Mr. Welles, you wrote

this yourself. And there's no use waiting. I'll have to have a talk with me. As Harrington

take down these changes. Yes, Mr. Welles. Instead of a ranch house in Arizona, it shall

be a penthouse in New York City. Yes, Mr. Welles. Instead of guitars playing softly in

the background, I want a thunderstorm with lightning. How many boats? At least a dozen. And

finally, instead of a girl slapping my face, when I kiss her, she shall thrust a dagger

deep into my bosom. Yes, I shall die. Die! But, Mr. Welles, it's only the second real.

Who'll handle the rest of the picture? My goat's, I shall work in whitewash. That is all

Miss Harrington? Yes, Mr. Welles. After you later are to surf, anyone calls. I'll be

down on stage five being stabbed. What a man. Never done woman around here.

Yes, Mr. Welles.

Yes, Mr. Welles.

Yes, Mr. Welles.

Yes, Mr. Welles.

Good morning. This is Austin Welles.

Well, Dennis and Phil, I'm glad you dropped by. Have you been here long? Yeah, quite a

while, but I'd pull the kids. Let's hang around for Lorsie, get set.

Lorsie, who is Lorsie? That's you, silly. Lorsie, that's murder. Well, who is this

charming young lady? Come, come, my dears. Speak up. Well, my name is Mary Limitson.

I'm not at least a bit nervous over there. Well, no, Mary, there's nothing to be nervous

about. Why don't you get back to town? Yesterday on the Super Chief, I got off at Tacadena.

Oh, I wish I'd known that. I would have arranged for the tournament of roses to be held simultaneously

with your arrival. Gee, I like this guy. Yeah, didn't I tell you that Austin really

does thanks in a big way. Who did anything? He just said it. Well, Dennis, I have spent years

inflating the balloon that his welles. Please do not puncture it. Tell me, Mary, how's

Jack coming along, see up and about? Oh, yes, he's feeling a lot better. A few more days,

and he'll be all over his nervous breakdown. Nervous breakdown? I thought Jack had a cold

in his chest. He did, but when he got his doctor bill, he went right from a mustard

clatter into a straight jacket. What? It's a quorum, it's to hold him down. Good heavens. Pardon

me, Mr. Wells. What is it, Miss Harrington? Would you mind okaying the budget for this sequence?

Not at all. There'll be one change here, Miss Harrington. Instead of wardrobe, $8,000, make

the wardrobe cost $9,000. But, Mr. Wells. But nothing, I promised one of the extra girls

a mint coat. That is all, Miss Harrington? Yes, Mr. Wells. Yes, Mr. Wells, yes, Mr.

Wells. Sometimes I wish I weren't perfect so people could differ with me. Written out

for me, I did. Dennis, what are you doing with that script? Oh, I was just looking at

over, Mr. Wells. I thought there might be a part in it for me where I'm a big lover.

Lover? Well, sorry, Dennis, but you're definitely not the romantic type. Oh, yes, did a cab driver

ever ask you for your phone number? Yes, and I'm having dinner with it tonight. Oh, I

see, you're really on the theme, kid. Whatever that is, I'm glad. Here's Don Wilson. Hello,

Don. Hello, Arthur. How are you? Hello. I'm glad to see you, Don. Did you have any trouble

getting through the gate? No, they just rubbed some Vaseline on him and give him a shove.

That Harris is a new loo. Mr. Harris. Mr. Harris, at this moment I find it very difficult

to refrain from slugging you. Oh, by the way, Arson, I brought along a copy of what I intend

to say about grape nuts flakes on the program tomorrow. Would you like to hear it? Oh, yes,

I'd like to pass on everything that's set on the program, everything. Well, there goes

all them jokes I think up. Yes, Phil, I don't want them jokes thinking up the airways.

I'll be darned, I pull the loo-loom myself. Now you're getting somewhere well, see? Thank

you. Well, Don, let's hear your message. Okay, now about halfway through the program tomorrow,

and I'll say, ladies and gentlemen, a few words about toasty brown sweeties and

nut grape nuts flakes. Just open a 12-ounce economy-sized package for breakfast tomorrow morning,

and you will see why grape nuts flakes with its moldy rich flavor is America's fastest-growing

flakes cereal. Very good, go on. But that's all the resource. That's all. That's all you're

going to say about grape nuts flakes. Good heavens, man. Use a little imagination, Arson.

Ah, let me show you what I mean. Mr. Harrington? Mr. Tutel Quettel? Sound effects, please.

Yes, Mr. Well. Places everyone. Curtain, music.

Presenting grape nuts flakes, I love you, and Olsen Welles' production, produced and directed

by Mr. Welles, and starring Olsen Welles.

Ladies and gentlemen, whether you live in the heart of a great metropolis,

or on a farm where all is tranquil,

whether your home is in the wintery north,

or here in sunny California.

Hmm, wherever you live, ladies and gentlemen, you will love the multi-rich flavor of toasty,

brown, sweet as a nut, grape nuts flakes.

And remember, ladies and gentlemen, each economy-sized package contains not one ounce,

not two ounces, but twelve ounces of those delicious golden brown flakes, I thank you.

Well, I feel much better now. The flakes and I have had our fling.

Well, by the way, Dennis, speaking of the program, what song are you singing tomorrow?

Black magic. It's a great number. Let me hear it. Can't be any more magic than Ruchus's dice.

Sing, Dennis.

That old black magic has in its spell,

that old black magic that you weeks so well,

those mighty fingers up and down my spine,

the same of its crap when your eyes eat mine,

the same old tingle that I feel inside,

and then that ill of a heart starts to thrive,

and down and down I go round and round I go,

I believe that's taught in the time.

I should stay away, but what can I do?

I hear your name, and then I'm a flame,

a flame with such a burning desire,

that only your care can put out the fire,

or you're the lover I have waited for.

Oh, may I have made, have me created for,

and every time you'll be fine.

Darling, down and down I go round and round I go,

in a spin, loving the spin I'm in,

under that old black magic all along.

Darling, down and down I go,

round and round I go,

in a spin, loving the spin I'm in,

under that old black magic all along.

Excellent, excellent, Dennis,

I like that number very much, you may sing it on the program tomorrow.

Thank you.

However, the following Sunday, I think you should do something operatic,

I want you to sing the quartet from Rigoletto.

But Mr. Wells, the quartet is four different voices.

I'll handle the other three.

Gosh, you mean you're going to sing soprano,

contralto and baratone at the same time?

Yes, Dennis.

That I got to hear.

You will, you will.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'd better get on with my picture.

What a busy guy, he's a bee with brains.

Well, by the way, Arson, what's the title of this picture you're making?

Well, I've called my story very simply the much of destiny,

the deals with everything that ever happened.

From the beginning of creation to the present day.

Hey, Arson, is there anything in it about me?

Well, no, Phil.

My picture is handled in silence, symbolic retrospect.

What?

What was that? Give me that again.

He could give you that all day long, he wouldn't even feel it.

Sit down, will you?

Oh, Mr. Wells, a terrible thing has happened.

Mr. Villar, your leading lady has just developed a Las Vegas with Jeffrey Hamilton.

Jeffrey Hamilton?

Yes, the man who plays the part of your brother in today's sequence.

What will we do?

I have a very simple solution, Mary.

You shall be my leading lady.

You're leading lady?

Gosh.

Phil, you'll be my brother.

Your brother, are we twins?

Heaven forbid.

Well, let's get started, shall we?

Here's your script, Mary.

Gee, if I'm going to be your leading lady, I better throw away this bubble gum.

No, keep it. I may have you do a dance later.

Hardly for you to rub, Mr. Wells, but we just had a long listen call from Mr. Venny.

From Mr. Venny, what do you want?

You want to know if I was happy in my new job, weren't you?

What'd you tell him?

I lied, now he's happy.

I know Jack, he didn't call long distance from Chicago just to find out if Rochester was happy.

I wonder what else he wanted.

Well, he's getting better, maybe he wanted to know if that cab driver has a friend.

That probably is.

Now, Mary, Phil, before we rehearse, I think I'd better explain the scene to you.

The quiet everybody, Mr. Wells, is explaining.

Now, Mary, in this scene, you with my fiance and Phil as my brother have parts which

overshadow mine in dramatic intensity.

You mean we're more important than you are?

It's definitely the motivation of the scene.

It's mood and pulse and temple rest entirely in your hands.

I want my faith in the picture, too.

You, Phil, will play the part of my younger brother, who is a cheat.

Acre and a scoundrel.

Oh, I get it a heel without a soul!

All that air is as solid when he gets rolling.

Phil, you're a genius, and I ought to know.

Now, as the scene opens, I enter your apartment, Phil, unexpectedly, and to my surprise,

I find my sweetheart in your arms.

Remember, Mary, you and Phil carry the burden of the scene.

Okay.

All right, now let's try it.

Airquire at home, the set, Mr. Wells, is about to emote.

Thank you.

The door opens.

What?

What's this?

Mildred, what are you doing here?

Answer me, I say.

What are you doing in my brother's apartment?

Well, no explanations are necessary.

I have eyes.

I'm not blind to what's been going on.

If I have been madly in love with you, Mildred,

I'd have brought things for climax long ago.

And now, clearance, what have you got to say?

Well, alibis!

Alibis?

Nothing but alibis.

The things that the two of you have been together every afternoon for months.

Why are you looking at me like that, Mildred?

Have you something to tell me?

Come, speak up.

Where?

Never mind, I know what you're going to say.

You're going to say it's me you love and that clearance is just a passing fancy.

You're both strangely quiet.

Why don't you speak up?

Is it because your guilt is so obvious?

Well, I...

Wait a minute, that's my line.

Oh, pardon me.

Come on, Mary.

Give me the cue.

Well.

I said, well, so much.

I feel like the old oak and bucket.

Okay, well.

This is the end, Mildred.

Our engagement is broken.

Check out beyond repair.

But you may keep the engagement ring I gave you.

That is, if you want it.

Well.

It's yours.

I must leave now.

And as for you, clearance, if you ever so much has crossed my path,

again, I shall press you with an inch of your life.

Goodbye.

Clarence, my love, kiss me.

Carling, I love you.

No, no, no, no, let's cut that after my exit.

The scene is definitely over.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's shoot it, camera, lights, action.

Ladies, ever stop to think of all the wonderful new substitutes being worked out these days

to take the place and things of which we're short, like the amazing Aralach dress material

made of milk.

And the substitute for silk conjured up out of coal, fire, and air.

But there's one thing we don't need to find a substitute for, because it's abundant.

And you don't have to give up any precious ration stamps for it.

That's the whole grain cereals our government nutrition program is asking us to eat more

of.

Whole grain cereals, such as delicious, post-the-brown grape nut flakes, are plentiful,

frifty, and one of the most nourishing foods you can serve.

When every bowl full of malty-race grape nut flakes and milk, you get a goodly amount

of minerals, vitamins, proteins, and carbohydrates, many of the same food essentials found in meat.

So while you're enjoying that distinctive sweet-ass nut flavor, you're getting the type of

all-around nourishment that can help you make up for other food shortages in your meals.

So serve more whole grain cereals.

Work your grocer for grape nut flakes, delicious, nutritious, frifty, and not ration.

Although until next Sunday night, ladies and gentlemen, this is your obedient servant

Dawson Will.

And Mary, I'm glad you're back on the show.

It's been a pleasure working with you today.

Same here, Arson.

Good night, everybody.

Good night, Daw.

Arson Welles of the Genius, but this program is written by Bill Morrow and Eddie Ballard.

You gotta love the self-deprecating humor that Welles got into overplaying his alleged genius,

and there's a lot of fun.

Welles could do humor.

Better than anybody ever gave him real credit for it.

83 years ago, March 21, 1943, the grape nut flakes program starring Orson Welles on classic

radio theater with Wyatt Cox coming up next, we'll check in with Ozzy and Harriet.

It is Ryan C. Crest here.

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This is Alex Cantrowitz, I'm the host of Big Technology podcast, a long time reporter

and an on air contributor to CNBC.

And if you're like me, you're trying to figure out how artificial intelligence is changing

the business world and our lives.

So each week on Big Technology, I bring on key actors from companies building AI tech

and outsiders trying to influence it.

Asking where this is all going, they come from places like Nvidia, Microsoft, Amazon,

and plenty more.

So if you want to be smart with your wallet, your career choices, and meetings with your

colleagues and at dinner parties, listen to Big Technology podcast wherever you get your

podcasts.

Hi, I'm Alicia and I'm Stacy and we make trashy divorces.

Everybody's favorite good podcast about bad relationships, looking for something true

crimey without the gore or the body count.

We've been churning out funny, feisty feminist episodes since 2019.

So if you're looking to put some scandalous stories told well into your ears this summer,

check out trashy divorces wherever you listen to podcasts, trust us, we've covered someone

you love or someone you love to hate.

If you are planning a new building, the architect can make inexpensive changes in his design

to shield against the dangers of radioactive fallout.

This technique is called design slanting, which simply means designing for added fallout

protection without adversely affecting the use, appearance, or cost of a building.

To learn more about slanting, contact your local civil defense director.

And you can find the information on home shelters and the show notes here or over at classic

radio.stream.

It's free.

Don't even have to send an email.

It's all just there.

It's downloaded if you want it.

Okay.

Up next, we go back 74 years, March 21st, 1952, Ozzy Nelson and Harriet Nelson, or Harriet

Hillyard, which was her singing name in the adventures of Ozzy and Harriet.

We present the amusingly transcribed adventures of Ozzy and Harriet, starring America's favorite

young couple, Ozzy Nelson and Harriet Hillyard.

On things have been rather quiet this morning at the Nelson's, I think much unusual has

happened.

Harriet called the boys and they got up as usual and came down to breakfast.

And she called Ozzy down for breakfast as usual.

And she called Ozzy again as usual.

And then she called him again as usual.

And then the boys went up and helped drag him out of bed as usual.

So you see, the whole family had breakfast and things have been very quiet and very, very

usual.

As usual.

And offhand, I'd say it was just about time for things to start happening.

Now, there goes the phone.

No, that doesn't seem especially unusual, but you never can tell.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mrs. Peabody.

I, uh, believe she's the president of the PTA.

Oh, that's too bad.

Oh, who is it, Harriet?

It's Mrs. Peabody.

Oh, well, thank you, Mrs. Peabody, I'm very honored.

That starts this afternoon, doesn't it?

What's up, pop?

Shh.

Just a minute, boys.

I'll be very happy, too.

Oh, not at all, and thank you so much for calling.

Goodbye.

Oh, this is awful.

Awful, you sound mighty pleased on the phone.

Sometimes women are a little hard to understand, pop.

It's the big PTA meetings at the school auditorium all this week.

Well, what about it?

Well, one of the regular council members can't make it, and I've been chosen as alternate.

Well, I certainly don't think that's so awful.

I do, mom.

I hate going to school, too, boy.

It's just that I'm totally unprepared.

That's the same feeling I get sometimes.

Never mind, Ariggy.

You should have been there yesterday, boy.

Our history teacher asked us questions about stuff we never heard of before.

I guess that stopped you for a while.

I had no.

I gave him some answers they never heard of before.

You probably get a mark like you've never seen before, too.

Well, I'm afraid I'm going to look like something you've never seen before.

What do you mean by that?

Well, in the first place, just look at my hair.

What's the matter? I think it looks fine.

Well, thank you, dear, but it looks just terrible, and I know it.

And my good suit is that the cleaners and sore my gloves,

and I don't have a decent hat to wear.

How do you think I'm going to look?

Not so hot, huh?

That's putting it mildly.

Oh, Harriet, don't be ridiculous.

I think you look fine right now.

You know, Darnwell, Harriet, you look lovely no matter what you're wearing.

You're just saying that because I'd crown you if you didn't.

No, I'm not. I really mean it this time.

But that is, I mean it every time.

I mean it this time, especially.

Well, thank you, but I'd feel much better if I'd had a little time to get prepared.

And another thing, I don't even know what subjects they're going to discuss.

With all those professional educators and teachers there,

I'd be very happy to lend you my schoolbooks.

Why don't you keep quiet for about five minutes?

Nobody was talking a few days.

Look, look, cut it out, boys.

We've got enough trouble with your mother so upset.

Upset, I'm not upset.

I'm just a little frantic, that's all.

There's no reason the world why you should be.

Well, it's easy to say.

In the first place, you won't be expected to compete with professionals

when it comes to the technical discussions on education.

If you just approach every problem with your usual good sense and judgment,

you can't go wrong.

I hope you're right.

Oh, sure.

Pop knows what he's talking about.

Your mother has a good head on her shoulders,

and if she just uses it, she'll make the grade.

Do I have a good head on my shoulders too, Pop?

Yes, I'd say so.

I hope my mom makes better grades than I do.

That won't be hard.

Well, I don't know.

I wish I felt as confident.

Don't be silly.

You'll be the highlight of the conference.

You're beautiful, you're intelligent, you're well-poised, you're...

If you think I'm going to stop you, you're crazy.

Hi, Tharnie.

Oh, hello there, Oz.

What are you doing, catching up on the latest news?

We're just looking over a couple of magazines.

That's what news stands for, you know.

Oh, they also like to sell a couple occasionally.

Well, I'm trying to decide which one's to buy

and which one's to read right here.

If you're looking for something to take home, you're trying this one.

Yeah.

Good, huh?

That's not bad at all.

But I don't think Katherine would approve

of my having this around the house.

Why would he mean?

Well, it might make a few little self-conscious.

Self-conscious?

Yeah, being married to a guy who reads major strong bull

in the planet eating space monster.

LAUGHTER

What kind of comic books do you read, anyway, Oz?

Well, I just thought it might be interesting for your boy, Will.

Our boy's thought it was great.

How things going, Tharnie?

Oh, that's right.

You haven't heard the big news.

Well, that's not surprising.

After all, I haven't seen you in quite a while.

When was the last time, anyway?

I think it was when you dropped me off

after bowling last night.

Honest? Has it really been that long?

It seems to me.

LAUGHTER

Well, what is the big news,

all the way you're just trying to be funny?

Well, I suppose it is funny in a way.

It's funny how women seem to have these little feminine frailties.

The point is that Harriet has been chosen to be a representative

to the big PTA conference this week.

Well, I think that's wonderful.

I don't see any sign of frailty there.

You should have seen her this morning.

Yes, the very thought of facing these people

and she practically fell apart.

No confidence in herself.

Well, I suppose they don't get the name weaker sex for nothing.

And now, wait a minute, Oz.

This may sound like heresy, but let's face the facts.

According to people who know,

women generally stand pain and cold better.

They live longer.

In fact, girl babies are supposed to be more rugged than boy babies.

Well, so what?

So I just thought you ought to know

before you made any speeches about women being the weaker sex.

And I've seen several articles that say the same thing.

And they all haven't been in the reader's digest either.

LAUGHTER

In the first place, Tharni, you're talking about the physical side

of it. What I mean is the emotional weakness.

Women suffer from a lack of assurance,

a lack of self-confidence.

Did you ever take a look at some of those magazine articles?

How to win a husband?

How to keep him after you've got him?

How to get him back again after you've lost him?

LAUGHTER

I'm all the same.

All articles directed to the women

trying to boost their self-confidence.

Well, OK, but what's this got to do with Harriet and the BDA?

Everything, Tharni.

She got the news and went into a panic.

Didn't know what to wear.

Didn't know if she'd look right.

Worried about how she'd get along.

I don't see what she has to worry about.

That's just it.

She has nothing to worry about at all.

But try and tell her that.

Well, why don't you?

And show her, too.

Reinforce that feminine ego of hers.

Oh, that's what I was trying to do this morning.

Well, then go back to that woman.

Show her she can have confidence and assurance.

You know, Tharni, that's just what I think I'll do.

Good boy, eyes.

Now, aren't you glad you talked to me?

Yes.

I don't know what I would have done without you.

Any time at all, Oz, any time.

Well, I've got to run along.

If you have any other little problems,

just address them to me in care of this magazine stand.

Thank you.

And good night, Dr. Poppano.

Is that you, Mom?

No, it's your old dad.

Go on, Pa.

You're not so old.

Well, I can't fool you, can I?

No, sir.

Would you let me quarter if you try hard enough?

Yeah, but I could at that.

What's that for?

I just thought I'd run down and have a soda.

Well, I think you'd better think again.

We'll be eating dinner, too, soon.

Size, I want to talk to you, fellas,

before your mother comes home.

You should've seen Mom when she left.

She was really dressed to kill, boy.

She was only going to a PTA meeting.

Who's she going to kill?

I don't want to mention any names,

but I have a couple of teachers in mind.

I just think we ought to help your mother

little now that she has this responsibility for a few days.

You'd probably come home dead, tired, and discouraged,

and ready to give up the whole deal.

So let's try to be very encouraging and very considerate.

I'll cook dinner, if you want.

You're kidding, I hope.

No, I don't think that'll be necessary,

but you can help out by setting the table.

What's going on here?

Oh, hello, dear.

Hi, Mom.

Sit down.

You must be dead tired.

Oh, no, I feel fine.

Besides, I've got dinner to get.

Well, why don't you rest a while and let the boys and I get here?

That's very thoughtful of you,

but with the time I got through showing you how to do it,

I can have dinner already.

Why aren't you terribly tired?

I mean, from the PTA and all?

Oh, no.

It was a lot of fun.

It's going to be very interesting,

and Mr. McCarrie is such a nice man.

Oh, who is he?

Well, he seems to be taking charge of everything.

He's a superintendent of schools, I believe.

He said, I made some wonderful suggestions.

Oh, well, good for you.

Appart me a minute, dear.

I know you must be starved.

I'll get dinner started.

No, no, no, wait a minute, Harriet.

Isn't there something I can do to help?

Yes, there is.

You can stretch out on the couch and rest until dinner.

You look tired.

I'll have it ready in a jiffy.

Hey, how about one of you guys drying these things for me?

Go ahead, Ricky.

Who me?

That's what I said.

Yeah, I suppose you got a broken arm or something.

I did my share, I fixed lunch.

OK, I did my share too.

I ate it.

How do you think Mr. Macarie is, Pop?

Oh, I don't know, David.

He must be an older man.

He don't become superintendent of public schools overnight.

I'd say he's probably in his early 60s.

She doesn't look that old to me.

Well, when did you see Mr. Macarie?

There's a picture of him in today's paper.

Oh, I didn't see that.

Well, just a second, I'll get it for you.

Is that all the dishes, Pop?

Yeah, that does it.

And I guess we can relax for a while now.

Here it is, Pop.

You mean this is Mr. Macarie?

Yeah, that's what it says.

Wallace Macarie's superintendent of schools.

I'd somehow pictured him a little different.

He's got a crew cut.

And look at that bow tie.

Certainly isn't a very dignified way

for the superintendent of public schools to dress.

Pop said he's real swell to work with.

Well, you know your mother.

She gets along with anybody.

It's pretty dull to me.

Bow ties.

Nobody wears those anymore.

Oh, sure.

A lot of guys wear them, Pop.

Well, yes.

Certain types can get away with it.

I think it looks good on him.

Well, it's not too bad, I guess.

I think that crew cuts a little ridiculous for a man his age.

Looks pretty young to me.

Young?

He's at least 30.

Well, isn't that young?

How old are you, Pop?

That isn't important.

Some men are old at 30, and other men

are still young at 30.

Take this Macarie person.

He's probably a bookworm who doesn't

bother to keep himself in good physical condition.

Definitely isn't the athletic type.

Says here he was captain of his football team.

I imagine that was an honorary title.

Holy smokes in a champion at the low hurdles.

Well, yes, low hurdles, not as if it were high hurdles.

Can't even get all of his shoulders in the picture.

Well, I've got a couple of padded coats myself.

Mom said he's very nice.

OK, your mother thinks he's very nice.

It's about time she stopped kidding

around with that PTA junk anyway.

I thought you were proud of her, Pop?

Well, of course I'm proud of her.

She's done a fine job, and now it's time to come home.

I think so, too.

How a young guy like this Wallace Macarie

gets to be superintendent of public schools in the first place.

Probably has a lot of political connections.

Mom said he's very smart.

All right, then why does this boy genius

need a big committee to do all his work form?

Waste your mother's time over there while we're practically

slaves here at home.

Are you sore, Mr. Macarie, Pop?

I'm not sore at anybody, Ricky.

Look, will you fellas kind of straighten up

the rest of the house I'm going out for a while?

Where are you going, Pop?

Oh, just down to the barber shop.

Kind of clean up the sink, will you fellas?

What do you want me to do with all these orange peels

and coffee grounds?

Here, wrap them up in this newspaper

and throw them in the garbage can.

Ah!

Hey, us.

Oh, hello, Thornie.

I was just talking my way over to your house.

I wanted to shake the hand of a truly great man.

Who's that?

Well, you, of course.

I was your positively amazing.

I never realized what a really brilliant neighbor we had.

And what's this all about, Thornie?

Well, don't you remember that talk we had the other day?

You know about women and how they lack confidence in themselves?

Oh, oh, yeah.

Well, I've been spending a lot of time

in the last couple of days building up Catherine's confidence.

And the results have been marvelous.

She's another woman, huh?

I almost feel like a bigamist.

I'm glad it's worked out for you.

Oh, Catherine's ready to tackle any job now.

She's even talking about painting the house this summer.

She was talking about painting the house last summer, too.

Well, yes, but then she was talking about me painting the house.

Well, don't get too excited.

You probably end up doing all the work.

Oh, never, I would want to destroy Catherine's confidence

on herself.

I guess you're pretty proud of Harriet, too, huh?

Understand she's been doing a great job at the PTA conference.

Yeah, I guess she's doing all right.

Oh, now don't be so modest, Taz.

I hear she's even on a special committee

with a superintendent of schools.

Yeah.

I have a walkin' down the barbershop with me.

Barbershop?

Why are you going to the barbershop?

Well, a rumor's gotten around that some guys over there

are cutting hair.

But Oz, you had a haircut last week.

And I'm having another one this week.

Is there anything wrong with that?

No, it's your head.

Have a shave clean, if you want to.

I just don't think you need a haircut.

Well, summer's coming, and it's kind of silly

to have a big mop of hair when it's so high.

Wait a minute, I was only kidding about having a head shave.

No, no, I'm just going to have a little more taken off the top.

Short haircuts are in style now, you know.

I've seen a lot of women with them.

I think they're called poodles.

But I've always thought of you as more the shaggy dog type.

Oh, no, I think I look pretty good with a crew cut.

A crew cut?

Well, not really a crew cut.

I mean, kind of a modified version.

What do you think?

I think it's ridiculous.

Well, naturally you'd think so.

You're always against anything that's new or different.

Wait a minute, you asked for my opinion, and I gave it to you.

Of course, I'll admit that I'm no beauty expert.

But then you're no beauty either.

Sorry, I even mentioned this to you, Tharni.

You can't discourage me, however.

I think a crew cut's going to look very good on me.

Say, ah, don't you think you'd better take along

a sack for the hair they cut off?

After you see yourself, you may want to put it back.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, boys, will you take some of these packages for me?

You sure got a lot of groceries.

Well, I've invited Mr. McCarrie over for dinner tonight.

He's very anxious to meet your father, and I know you boys will like him.

Oh, swell.

I'd like to talk to him about long or summer vacation.

Also, no homework.

I'm sure he'll be happy to hear any suggestions.

I can think of plenty, boy.

Was today the last meeting, Mom?

Yes, and thank goodness.

It's going to feel wonderful just being a housewife again.

I'm going to feel pretty good not being a housewife again.

Oh, Harriet, aren't you home kind of early?

Well, yes, there wasn't much to do at the last meeting.

Gee, look at Pop's hair.

I just saw it.

What happened, dear?

Did you fall asleep in the chair?

Oh, I had them cut it this way.

Don't you like my hair a little shorter?

It looks just like a crew cut.

Well, a mild sort of a crew cut.

What do you think of it, Harriet?

Oh, I imagine it's very comfortable.

Yes, it is.

After all, the weather is getting warmer now.

And I thought this might be a practical part of me.

Are you catching cold?

No, of course not.

Maybe you better put something on your head.

I've got a wool stocking cap you can wear.

My head feels fine.

What's so unusual about a crew cut?

A lot of men have them.

Oh, it's fine, dear.

It makes you look very...

And besides, it'll grow out in a couple of weeks.

You don't care for it, huh?

Well, I guess I'm just not used to it.

Well, if you excuse me, I've got to get dinner ready.

I invited Mr. McCarrie over tonight.

Oh.

Is that all right?

He's very anxious to meet you.

Well, yes.

I think I'm kind of anxious to meet him, too.

Well, he'll be buying a little while,

so you better start getting dressed.

Okay.

Hey, what's this, Pop?

Rick, where'd you get that?

You fell out of your pocket.

Well, it's just something I happen to pick up at the men's shop.

Are you going to wear it?

David, don't look at me like that.

Don't look at yourself.

A lot of men are wearing bow ties.

Oh.

Aussie.

Yeah?

Would you help me set the table?

Oh, sure.

Do I look all right?

Yes, fine.

I wish you'd stop staring at my head.

I didn't realize I was staring.

You just look so...

Well, so different.

I should think you'd be used to seeing a crew cut by now.

I know this isn't as short as Mr. McCary wears his hair.

I should hope not.

You mean you don't like his crew cut, either?

Crew cut?

Well, I wouldn't exactly call his a crew cut.

Hey, Mom, somebody's coming up the walk.

Oh, it's probably Mr. McCary.

Hmm?

No, this is an older man.

Older than Mr. McCary?

I'll get this, boys.

Mr. Nelson?

Yes?

I'm Wallace McCary.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Won't you come in?

Thank you.

Oh, hello, Mr. McCary.

Hello, Mr. Nelson.

I hope you didn't have any trouble finding the house.

Oh, not at all.

I certainly appreciate this invitation.

Well, I'm so glad you could make it.

I see you've met my husband.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, please come in and sit down.

Thank you.

And these are our two boys, David and Ricky.

This is Mr. McCary, boys.

Hello.

David and Ricky.

Would you excuse me?

I have dinner ready in just a moment.

Oh, certainly.

Take your time, Harriet.

Mr. McCary, now I sit here in chat-a-while.

We saw your picture in the paper.

Oh, did you see that?

That was my college graduation picture.

Oh, I see.

Whenever they want a photograph of me for the paper,

my wife gives them that one.

It's her favorite picture and I must say I'd rather like it myself.

Oh, yes.

Well, it is a good one.

Yeah, but it looks so good.

So now, why don't you, boys?

You think you can help your mother?

She may have a little trouble finding things.

Okay, Pop.

Is that chair comfortable?

Oh, good.

Here, let me pour you a glass of cherry.

Oh, fine.

Thanks.

I've been very anxious to meet you, Mr. Nelson.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, indeed.

I don't mean to embarrass you,

but Mrs. Nelson is such a well-poised, well-organized and adjusted person.

I just knew she must have a very happy home life.

Oh, thanks, yes.

We certainly do.

Show me a happy, confident wife and there's always a strong,

capable, understanding husband,

giving her that feeling of security.

Oh, I never really thought of it that way.

Well, we're wonderful and we really couldn't get along without them,

but they do lack of man's drive and forcefulness.

Yes, I guess you're right at that.

Well, I suppose nature really fashion it that way.

Woman is the frail and frivolous creature.

Unpredictable, emotional.

Man is the steady, sturdy, solid influence.

Excuse me, Pop.

Mom wants to know where your toolbox is.

My toolbox?

Yes, sir.

I think she wants to fix something on the oven.

And she can't find the toolbox?

No, sir.

Pardon me for laughing, David,

but Mr. McCarry and I were just discussing this very point.

What would women do without their husbands?

Isn't it the truth?

David, tell your mother the toolbox is right where she left it last week

after she fixed the lock on the back door.

Thanks, Pop.

Well, that sounds just like our house.

Well, a toast, brother Nelson, to our wives.

As the fellow says, we can't live with them and we can't live without them.

This is Vern Smith, saying tune in again next week for another transcribed adventure of Aussie and Harriet,

starring Aussie Nelson and Harriet Hillard.

This is the United States Armed Forces Radio Service.

I've mentioned this before.

Let me talk just a little bit about this.

That Aussie negotiated an innovative deal with ABC that was unprecedented at the time in Broadcast History.

Before they moved to ABC,

Aussie negotiated a 10-year contract with ABC.

That guaranteed they would be paid whether the show was canceled or not.

It made the show immune from a sponsor network interference.

One reason the show, notably the only couple that was allowed to double bed until the Brady mention 1969.

In 1949, they signed a long-term contract for their radio service.

It was the only couple that was allowed to double bed until the Brady mention 1969.

In 1949, they signed a long-term contract for their radio service.

They signed a long-term contract for their radio show,

which gave the network the option to move the program to television.

Then ABC,

the weakest of the big three networks,

needed proven talent.

They saw it as a golden opportunity.

They were an established hit.

ABC unlikely to attract bigger stars at the time.

So they negotiated it.

And they made it happen.

And Aussie was not the bumbling fool when it came to business that he portrayed on radio.

Aussie and Harriet, 74 years ago, March 21st, 1952,

on Classic Radio Theater with Wyatt Talks.

Let's look at what is coming up on Sunday,

and it will be crime amongst Radio Theater production of Death Takes a Holiday,

starring Frederick March.

From 1937,

we'll go to 1949 next for the deadly summons,

an episode of Big Town, Edward Polly, as Steve Wilson,

the crusading editor of the illustrated press,

and an episode of Escape,

Pressure,

a 1953 episode where a submarine

is trapped underwater

with a Japanese destroyer right above them.

They're being quiet, you see,

so they don't get bloomed up.

Alrighty, on Monday, we'll have more crime.

Lawn Clark, as Nick Carter Master Detective,

Sydney Green Street, as Nero Wolf,

Frank Sinatra, as Rocky Fortune,

and Stephen Dunn, as Sam Spade.

Comedy on Tuesday,

Willard Waterman is the great guilder sleeve along with Jimmy Duranty,

Abin and Costello,

and George Burns and Gracie Allen.

On Wednesday, Fred MacMurray,

Barbara Stanmake,

and the Lux Radio Theater production of Remember the Night,

and the Edgar Bergen Hour.

On Thursday's podcast,

we will have Inner Sanctum Mystery.

Sherlock Holmes did Justice Triumph,

and Gerald Moore in the Adventures of Philip Marlowe.

On Friday, we'll have Frontier Towns,

starring Reed Hadley and Gunsmoke,

along with an episode of Have Gun Will Travel,

and a fantasy from 1949.

The diamond is big as the Ritz.

Yeah, we're talking the Ritz Carlton Hotel,

an episode of Escape from 1949.

And then a week from today,

we'll have more comedy, A Jack Benny Double Header.

We will have the follow-up

of Orson Wall sitting in for Jack Benny,

along with the wonderful episode

of The Jack Benny Program,

Your Money, or Your Life.

And then we'll have an episode of the Lux Radio Theater,

Lawrence Tibet, and Helen Jepsen,

starring in Naughty Marrietta.

That's all coming up a week from today,

and that's your week ahead on Classic Radio Theater

with Wyatt Cox.

Any time online at classicradio.stream,

go there to learn more,

or to just support the podcast,

which we would greatly appreciate.

By the way, I want to thank Jerry Henshi,

a wonderful, remastered episode of Aussie and Harriet.

I'd like to give him as much notice as I can.

And besides, I call him out,

because nobody else knows how to pronounce his name, so there.

George Burns and Gracie Allen,

from 84 years ago is next.

Tyler Reddick here from 2311 Racing.

Victory Lane?

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It's all the cool stuff you didn't know you needed to know.

Join us for cool stuff daily as we take a quick look at science,

tech, and the wait what stories that make you sound way smarter at dinner.

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because the future is happening fast,

and it's way too fun to miss.

Do you love romcoms?

Do you wish you could talk about Christmas movies year round?

Then we have the perfect podcast for you.

Holmarke's podcast.

Throughout the year, we cover all things.

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We are an all-female group of friends who are passionate for these shows and movies

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That's Holmarke's podcast, wherever you listen to podcasts.

What's with the basket, Mom?

Picnic?

Nope, this is grandma's pantry, modern version.

Great, Mom.

Only what's it for?

Civil defense.

And you're the one who brought the idea home from Scout Meeting.

Here, help me check off the list.

Fruit juice?

Yup.

Powdered milk?

Right.

Can't meet.

In whose civil defense comes grandma's pantry,

the symbol of preparedness.

Unexpected company?

Grandma always had plenty for everyone.

No matter what unexpected disaster, your family should have a seven-day supply of food on hand,

kept well protected in jars or tins and safe in a shelter area.

In an emergency or during evacuation in case of enemy attack, it's too late to plan.

You will have to depend on your own resources.

On grandma's pantry.

Assure the future.

Know the six steps to survival.

Make this year your family's year for civil defense.

You take the first step.

Civil defense and American tradition.

I just know how to pronounce Jerry Henshi's name.

I couldn't spell it for you if my life depended on it.

Up next on Classic Radio Theater is a 1944 episode of George Burns and Grace Yellen.

And as I said, this goes back 84 years, March 21, 1944.

And as I mentioned yesterday, this show has a link to Orson Wells.

Why?

Because it stars his wife Rita Hayworth as the guest star.

Who talks a little bit about her genius husband.

Well, hello, come right in.

Oh, George, we've got confidence.

And now it meets the people who live in the Burns house.

George and Grace Yellen.

Well, Grace Yellen spent a very happy afternoon getting the complete works at her favorite beauty shop.

She's just leaving when someone calls her name.

Hello, Grace Yellen.

Why, it's Rita Hayworth.

Oh, my, it's nice to see you again. It's been a long time.

Yes, I believe the last time is at my wedding.

That's right.

George and I still talk about the day you became Mrs. Orson Wells.

We'll never forget it.

Neither will I, Grace Yellen.

Well, he was just the first time we'd ever seen a groom mushroom in the guest.

Play the organ, carry the bride's bouquet, and throw rice at himself.

Yes, it was a typical well of production.

Oh, it's such a versatile boy.

I hope you didn't mind my crying at your wedding, Rita.

I always cried, waiting.

I even cried at my own. I don't know why.

Oh, you married George Burns, didn't you?

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

You know, Rita, I've been a lot of women wonder what it's like to be married to a genius.

Yes, they do.

Well, sit down and I'll tell you.

You'll tell me.

Yes.

Oh, I almost forgot. You married one, too.

Gracey, this beauty shop is new to me.

What girl do you recommend for a manicure?

Oh, well, Edna knows more about fixing the cuticle.

Yes.

And Betty knows more about putting on a polish.

Yes.

But I always go to Lucille.

Why?

Or she knows more about the other customers.

Thanks.

Thanks, Gracey. That's the girl for me.

Oh, not that I believe the gossip I hear at a beauty shop.

Oh, well, neither do I.

I just let it go in one ear.

Yes.

Yes, it's unreliable.

Oh, I know you like this shop, Rita.

I've been coming here for years.

Good.

Of course, lots of people don't understand why I bother with beauty shops.

They think I don't need any treatment.

What do you think?

I agree with them.

Oh, Rita, the thing you say.

Well, it's true, Gracey.

You always look so attractive.

Uh, yes.

And so, uh, lowering.

You're taking the words out of my mouth.

Well, I just wanted to be sure they were there.

Oh, Gracey, I always enjoy being with you.

So much so that I'm going to ask you a favor.

Oh, what, Rita?

Well, I'm afraid to stay in that big house of mine.

Well, I shouldn't wonder with a man like Austin Welderow.

You don't understand, Gracey, Orson's away on business.

And, well, I'm afraid to stay there alone.

Oh.

So, uh, would you come over and spend the night with me?

Oh, gee, I couldn't read it.

Oh, why not?

Well, George is afraid to stay home alone, too.

We've been, been bringing him along.

I've had to have you both.

Well, it sounds like fun, but George might object

because his night shirts aren't back from the hardware store yet.

Uh, don't you mean back from the laundry?

No, the hardware store.

He's having some iron bolts sewed into the hems of his night shirts

to keep them from creeping up.

Well, don't let that worry you, Gracey.

I can give George a pair of Orson's for Jarman.

Oh, well, they'd be much too large for him.

George is very petite, you know.

Oh, well, then, then he can wear a pair of my for Jarman.

Uh, do you think that's good?

Well, sure.

I can take in the shoulders a little.

Oh.

Oh, all right, beta.

We'll be over the seat.

Thanks, Gracey.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, hello, dear.

I'm home at last.

Hello, darling.

I get you having coach George.

I've got a surprise for you.

We're going to spend the night with a friend.

I've got a surprise for you.

We're going to stay home.

But, George.

I'm tired, honey.

I want to relax.

I don't feel like sitting around listening to a lot of old jokes

and dull conversations.

Well, you won't have to, George.

We'll do all the talking.

Nothing doing.

I've had a hard day.

But, George, it's Rita Hayworth who wants us to come over.

Orson's out of town and she's afraid to stay alone.

We'll have Rita come over here.

But if she comes over here and we go over there, she'll stay alone.

She'll stay alone, yeah.

Honey, I'm not leaving the house tonight.

I planned to curl up with a magazine in a cigar.

We'll take them along.

I can't curl up at Rita Hayworth's house.

Oh, George.

Anyplace you smoke those cigars of yours, you're bound to curl up.

Forget it.

I'm staying home.

But, George, Rita and I can't stay alone in that big house all night.

We need a man.

We need you.

You do, huh?

Yeah.

Who's going to cook our breakfast?

Gracie, I have other plans.

I'm not going out of the house tonight.

Come in.

Hi, folks.

Oh, hello, Bill.

Say what's the matter, George?

You look troubled.

Oh, Gracie's always throwing cold water on my plans.

Now she wants me to spend the evening at Rita Hayworth's.

Oh, Gracie, splash a little of that stuff on me, will you?

You've got the wrong idea just that Rita is afraid to stay home alone.

Bill, see if you can talk, George, into going over to Rita's with me.

It won't do any good.

I'm staying right here.

Well, then I'll have to go by myself.

You mean...

You mean you're going to leave me here alone tonight?

Well, you're not afraid, are you?

Me afraid?

Oh, all right.

Goodbye, dear.

Goodbye.

Me afraid.

Did you hear that, Bill?

Bill.

Bill.

Where are you, Bill?

Oh, gosh.

Oh, gosh.

Wait, Gracie, I'm coming with you.

Mama's a little commando.

Jimmy Cash, sings an old favorite tonight.

The romantic ballet.

Wonderful one.

My wonderful one.

Whenever I'm dreaming.

Love's lovely to sleep in my sleep.

My wonderful one.

Mama's a little commando.

A little commando.

Just you, only you.

In the shadowy twilight.

And still very more like there's none.

Like you.

I adore you.

My life I live for you.

My wonderful one.

I always adore you.

My life I live for you.

My wonderful one.

This is a nice place where you're an awesome head.

Let's go integration.

Wait a minute, dear.

I want you to make a good impression.

Stand up straight and pull in your chest.

Pull in my chest.

Well, what if it has changed location?

To me it will always be your chest.

It's in, it's in.

Every wife likes to be proud of her husband darling.

And I want to be as proud of you as readers of Austin.

It's breaking his heart.

Her gamutized fate.

On a show reader I come pick him as better than she can.

Oh, please think so.

See, she picks Austin's ties too.

Let's go in.

Oh, wait a minute.

Now remember to watch your manners.

And don't put your feet on the table unless you take your shoes off first.

Don't come down a breath between your night shirt unless reader does.

You're not breaking lunch.

You're not breaking lunch.

You're not breaking lunch.

I want to show reader that your chest is intelligent as her husband.

So, discuss things like taxes and rationing and the soldiers vote.

Say, George, what is it the soldiers want to vote for?

For president, of course.

I was going to president.

I know, but every four years we elected no one.

Ah, silly boy.

Oh, come on.

Let's go in.

Now remember, George.

I want readers to see that my husband is just as smart as hers.

So, act intelligent.

Hello, Grace.

Hello.

Hello, George.

Come on in.

Well, thank you, reader.

Well, reader, you don't have to worry about being frightened now.

I brought a man along.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Where is he putting the car away?

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, you mean George.

Excuse me.

You know how it is.

Well, I don't think of husbands as the men.

Oh, well.

Victory itself, reader.

Now, George.

George, you take Orson's room with the head of the stairs.

I'm sorry, Orson isn't here.

He'd show you up.

Oh, no, he wouldn't.

George, it's just as smart as he is.

Ah, Grace.

And go on, George.

Be intelligent for me.

Now, give us your opinion on rationing.

How shall we solve the sugar shortage?

Look, honey.

Honey.

Oh, he's found it.

Now, George, what shall we do about the black market?

Oh, stop it.

That's it.

Oh, oh.

Now, why couldn't the government think of that?

All right, Gracey.

That's enough now.

Oh, well, I want to show you up, darling.

Now, let's say something intelligent about the war.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Honey, you see that?

What other man would give you Hitler's viewpoint?

Look, I'll take my things up to the room now, reader.

All right, George.

Oh, by the way, Orson said if you'd like a little something

to give you an appetite for dinner, adjust to help yourself.

Oh, really?

Yes, he left his rowing machine in his bedroom.

I'll take a few quick rows for myself.

See you girls in a few minutes.

Oh, well, there goes 132 pounds of solid intelligence.

I'll never know how they squeeze such an enormous brain

in that cheesy tiny head.

Yes, I guess it is a close fit.

You know, it's a funny thing, reader.

Some women marry a man for his money.

Some frizz looks.

Some frizz mind.

Guess I don't have to tell you why I married George.

No, I'm sure you had a good reason, too.

My goodness, we're awfully lucky to be married

as such fine men.

Yes, we are, Gacy.

How did you meet Orson?

Well, he was doing a magic show,

and he said if I did, it saw me, and, too,

he'd take me to the theater.

Just like George, do anything to get you in behalf of Christ.

But I still say we're the luckiest two women on earth

to have such wonderful husbands.

Yes, I agree.

When I think how close I came to marrying somebody else.

I have lots of chances, too, you know.

I guess you did, too, reader.

Yes, a few.

Oh, yes.

I'm going to see how men would be attracted to you.

You crochet beautifully.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, but I'll read it.

We're really so lucky.

Wasn't life empty before you got married?

Yes, it was.

Just a lot of fellows sending you flowers and candy

and rushing you off your feet all the time.

Oh, yeah.

Every night another day.

The theater, nightclub, dancers,

whining and dining,

and say that was fun, wasn't it?

Yes.

How I'm to think of it, it was.

I never see the inside of a nightclub anymore.

Neither do I.

I've asked and taken you to the theater, lately.

And I've heard nothing's been in the game.

That is the story that you can hear.

Well, when I had a coldly,

it brought me some cloth cloth.

It was crazy, isn't it an average miserable?

Oh, is a man!

If we were only single again,

we could go out with hundreds of the hands to men.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

There are hundreds of hands to men around anymore.

That's right.

If we were single now, we'd just sit around home.

So I guess we're pretty lucky to be married, Gracie.

Yeah, even to our husbands.

I'll never complain again.

Well neither will I.

Here we are.

Both married to geniuses.

Oh, and you have this lovely home.

You like it, Gracie?

Orson designer.

He's here?

Yes.

Oh.

Judge's clever too.

Mmm.

Beautiful furniture you have, Rita.

Orson built it.

He did?

Yes.

Oh, and George's clever too.

All that gorgeous painting over the fireplace.

And the original, isn't it?

Yes.

Orson painted it.

Oh.

And the rug?

Orson moved it.

Oh, I'm beginning to think that maybe Orson is cleverer than George.

Oh, let's forget about Orson.

Come on into the kitchen and I'll whip up an arm.

Oh, good.

Orson left some eggs on the ice.

Oh, my goodness.

It's even cleverer than George.

Time for Felix Mills in the orchestra tonight.

With the swan dead, we hear a great little tune.

Take it easy.

Done in.

Roomba style.

Watch.

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

Don't you know it's more romantic when a dance is slow?

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

What's the good of feeling high when all the lights are low?

Take your time.

Take your time.

Take your time.

Take your time.

Take your time.

Swallow it, please.

Take it easy.

Weep that lots of time ahead of us tonight is young now.

Hey, take it easy.

Don't you know this music should be swayed instead of swan?

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

Don't you know you're not supposed to make the run but jump.

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

If you don't, I feel that our romance will hit a bump.

Don't you know it's more romantic when the music's swayed?

You should really try to make your heart and goal in your feet.

Take it easy.

Take your time.

Oh, Rita, this is awful.

Here I thought George was a genius and now he turns out to be just a man and I married.

Oh, it's nothing to get upset about, Grace.

Oh, you don't understand, Rita.

It's like having a great big dish of tutti fruity and then the fruity melts away and you're left with just a tutti.

Calm down, Gracey.

You're twisting and wanting that handkerchief to shrink.

I can't help it.

How would you feel if you suddenly found yourself married to just playing George Burns?

Give me the handkerchief.

Rita, I'm going to make George into a genius if it's the last thing I do.

Will you help me?

What can I do?

Well, tell me what makes us a genius?

He isn't, Gracey.

He's just an average normal everyday man.

But doesn't he do anything unusual?

No.

His daily routine is the same as any other man.

He goes to bed about 2 a.m., gets up at 3 and has a moon vac.

And then he writes a couple of poems in Chinese, has the breakfast of two free-minute Austria-Jegs,

and translates the morning paper into Egyptian.

By that time his brain is awake and he goes to work.

Well, does he have any recreation?

Oh, certainly.

He enjoys the usual sports.

Every spring he swims upstream with a salmon.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, George is going to need a lot of changing.

Well, I better get started.

He's asleep up in his room.

George.

George.

George, wake up.

What's, what's the matter?

Well, it's almost time for your moon vac.

My, my what?

Your moon vac.

And besides, you're not supposed to be in bed yet.

Why not?

Austin Wells goes to bed at 2 in the morning.

Well, okay.

I'll move over when he crawls in.

Oh, George.

George, concentrate.

Make up some poetry.

Poetry?

Gracie, what have you been drinking?

Oh, gone, George.

Poetry.

Mary had a little aunt.

Now say the Chinese.

Ming-Toy had a little aunt.

Oh, that's wonderful.

You're coming along fine.

Do you think you can swim upstream with a salmon?

Well, couldn't I just fly south with the ducks?

Well, wait here. I'll find out.

Rita, I think it's working.

She almost looks intelligent.

Come in.

Hi, girls.

Why are you still?

Well, I thought I'd better drop by and see if you were frightened.

Frightened?

Well, yeah, you know afraid of wolves and things.

No.

No, we're not afraid of wolves. Come in.

Oh, thanks.

Bill, you're the first to hear the good news.

A new arson well has just been born.

No.

Well, congratulations, Rita.

Oh, no, no, Bill.

What Gracie means is that she's practically got herself a new husband.

Oh, well, congratulations, Gracie.

No, no.

What we both mean is that we're making George into another arson well.

Hey, what's going on around here?

George, you're out.

But darling, you forgot your slippers.

Mom is a little genius and nothing let him pick you get cold.

I'll go up and get your slippers.

Rita, this place is turning into a man house.

What's wrong with Gracie?

Oh, she thanked the arson as a genius and she wants you to be like him.

Well, that means no rest from now on.

Say, it might cure Gracie if you became too much like arson.

What do you mean?

Well, you just hand it up and leave the rest to me.

Well, okay.

All right, darling.

Here are your slippers.

Take them away and bring me some leather.

Leather?

Yes, I'm in the mood to make my own slippers.

Oh, my goodness.

Let's come over you, George.

I'm obediently yours.

Why are you getting more like arson every minute?

I feel another mood coming on.

Bring me a book.

I'll get you one from the library.

No, no, no, that'll take you long.

Give me a pencil and I'll write one.

I'll get you a heart.

Oh, hi.

I just knew you had it in you.

I'm obediently yours.

Oh, here's the pencil, George.

Bring me some grapes.

While I'm writing, I'll crush them with my feet and we'll have some wine.

Darling, you're wonderful.

Say about the timidest my heart was reaching out.

What language are you speaking?

I've run out of languages.

That's one I just made up.

You're so clever, so irresistibly brilliant.

Come, sit here beside me.

I'm obediently yours.

No, no, wait a minute.

Hold my hand and tell me that you love me.

George, why don't you let go of her hand?

Kiss me, my genius.

I'm obediently yours.

Don't you dare kiss a meter, behave yourself.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was carried away because he's so much like Orson.

Is every word, is every gesture.

Well, I don't like it.

George, you're stopping like Rita's husband.

I thought you wanted me to be a genius.

Well, I've changed my mind.

I'd rather have you be your own sweet stupid self.

END

84 years ago March 21, 1944.

George Burns and Gracie Allen on Classic Radio Theatre

with Wyatt Cox.

Sad news for Jane Stacey, Irma got fired.

Let's hear what happened on my friend Irma next.

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Hey, I'm Josh Speagle, host of the podcast,

Lunatic in the newsroom.

If you enjoy journalism that drifts into mild panic,

wild overthinking, and a guaranteed nervous breakdown,

Lunatic in the newsroom is for you.

It's news like you've never heard before.

The only newsroom with a panic button.

You'll laugh, you'll cry, and gasp and horror

as the show spirals completely out of control.

It's not just news, it's emotionally unstable.

Lunatic in the newsroom.

What's in today?

Will you take the step?

Hi, Dad.

I want some help washing the car.

What?

Oh, sure.

Tom, you want something?

Nothing, Pop.

Uh, mind if I put some civil defense stickers in here?

Stickers, what for?

Oh, see, Pop?

Put them on the radio dial.

It's 640 and 1240.

That's Conrad.

Four wheels to survival.

That's your car in a civil defense emergency.

It will help you move away from danger.

If it's in good mechanical condition,

tires properly inflated, battery and tip top shape,

and your gas tank more than half full.

Mark your car radio at 640 and 1240 for official information.

Another sticker at the half full mark will help remind you

to keep plenty of gasoline in the tank.

Know the six steps to survival.

Make this year your family's year for civil defense.

You take the first step.

Civil defense.

An American tradition.

So, did you wonder how Irma Peterson always stayed employed

all those years?

That's so did I.

And I found that she got fired.

Here's an episode of my friend Irma from 77 years ago.

March 22, 21st, rather, 1949.

For the safety of your smile.

Use Peptid in twice a day.

See your dentist twice a year.

Leave a brother's company presents the Peptid and show

my friend Irma, created by Sy Howard,

and starring Marie Wilson as Irma,

with Joan Banks as Jane.

Friendship. Friendship.

Just perfect friendship.

Wham other friendships have been forked out.

There's will still be hot.

My friend Irma.

Well, this has been a pip of a day.

At 8 o'clock this morning the doorbell rang,

and I opened the door.

How do you do?

I'm the census taker, your name?

Jane Stacy.

Married a single.

Single?

Born?

1925.

Thank you. And your name is?

Irma Peterson.

Married a single.

Single?

Born?

Certainly. How do you think I got here?

Well, that's how this morning began.

And by the time the poor census taker was through with Irma,

the book in her hand and she was asking him questions.

And I was trying to drag her out of the apartment

because I knew we'd both be late for work.

So I finally succeeded in dragging her to the subway station,

and here we are.

Oh, Irma, what are you doing?

I want to see what I weigh on this scale.

Well, hurry, honey, if we miss this train,

we'll be late for work.

All right, Jane.

Irma, our train is coming in.

Will you please get off that scale?

I can't.

What do you mean you can't?

You've already weighed yourself.

I know, but on the back of a little card that came out,

it says, things are going nicely for you.

Don't move from your present position.

Oh, Irma.

Good morning, Mr. Clyde.

Don't good morning, me, Miss Peterson.

The phone's been ringing all morning, and I can't find it.

Where is it?

Oh, the phone.

Oh, I put it in a safe because of the letter you got yesterday.

You mean that standard form in which they said

they'd shut off the phone if we didn't pay the bill?

Yes, so I put the telephone in the safe,

so in case they call up, they can see we have money.

Well, all the idiotic ridiculous answer that phone, will you?

Yes, sir.

Hello?

It's Judge Randall, Mr. Clyde.

Oh, yes, yes.

Tell him I'd like to postpone the hearing and the Benson divorce case

because the wife is out of town and the complainant is indisposed. Understand?

Certainly.

Hello, Judge Randall.

Well, Mr. Clyde wants you to postpone the case

because he's indisposed out of town with your wife any complaints?

Mr. Peterson, give me that phone. Hello, Judge. This is Clyde.

I'm awfully sorry. You see it.

Oh, you understand.

You've talked to Ms. Peterson before.

Would you mind postponing the Benson case until next week?

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Goodbye.

Do I say the wrong thing, Mr. Clyde?

You did.

But it wasn't.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You did.

But it wasn't quite as bad as the first thing you said to me.

What do you mean?

Well, three years ago, when you first walked into this office,

you said a terrible thing.

I did.