Dating Advice We Need to Question

0:00Some places promise you a change of scenery. Others show you the world in a whole new light. Take Ilamarada between the brilliant sunsets as your skies, warm clear water and endless activities including legendary sport fishing and diving. Ilamarada will take you places you've never been before. In more ways than one, for more about Ilamarada visit FLAKES.com slash Ilamarada. Welcome back to your safe space, the podcast hosted by me at Delmarine. Just like the name says this is your space to chat, reflect and dive a little deeper into the things that matter. Today we're talking the idea of masculine and feminine energy in relationships. You've definitely seen it online or heard it in dating conversations. Women getting told that they need to soften. Men getting told

1:02that they need to lead and relationship problems often being explained as someone being in the wrong energy. The more I hear this conversation the more frustrating it is, is this actually a helpful way to understand relationships or is it just another framework that we've created to simplify something that is a little bit more complex than that. Let's open up this space. Hello everyone, good afternoon, good morning, good evening, good whenever you're listening to this. I'm trying to stop there. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, because that's how I open every single episode. But thank you so much for coming back. I, as always, appreciate it. I'm very sad to tell you that this is the last episode ever that I'm recording here and I still don't have a new studio locked in. So the Chronicles continue of me not knowing and figuring it out. But you know what, I just tell myself it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. If not this something better, that is a core principle, a mantra that I rely on and even

2:04though this situation is not the right time for it to be happening for me. I trust that I'm protected by the universe. I trust that I am the universe's favorite and I'm going to be okay. That's how I get through this time. But I am also a little bit sad, not only is it the last episode I'm recording in the studio, it is the last week of my Better You Challenge. So I want to shout out to my Better You girls who have been doing it. We had, I believe close to 600 of you. I don't know if you're all listeners of your safe space, but I just want to say a big thank you doing this challenge was so incredibly cup-filling for me. It was amazing to really dive into that community element with you and it gave me so much joy and purpose and I'm really gutted that it's over. It's so bit of sweet. I'm very proud that well I mean it's not officially over yet. We've got a few more days after this app comes out. But I'm just sad. I'm sad that it's done and I'm grateful it happened, but bit of sweet absolutely. And so without any

3:05further waiting, I think we should get into today's episode. And why I kind of wanted to do this is on the back of watching maths, I saw Tyson, the character that they have on there, definitely not my cup of tea, definitely not somebody that I would ever match with on a dating app. And in one of the episodes I was watching last week or the week before he kept referring to his partner as masculine and kept saying you're so masculine, you're too masculine and she's just having a normal conversation with him. Like maybe she was being a bit firm or direct, but she definitely in my opinion, I don't think I would call that behavior masculine. And every time he kept saying it, I was literally sitting there saying to my boyfriend, take a shot every time he says feminine, masculine energy would be pissed, would be hammered. And it's not just on maths that we've seen it. I see it on social media. I see it, especially on any of those like dating coach. I feel like that's there for you know, the clips or the podcast episodes they put out feminine energy,

4:09masculine energy. It's always you know, he needs to lead. He needs to be the dominant one. She needs to soften so that she can be nurturing and she shouldn't be too masculine. And it's fascinating to me because the idea of feminine and masculine energy doesn't actually come from modern psychology or the modern dating world. It goes far back way, way, way back. And a lot of it does pull from much older concepts and ideologies. Some of it I believe comes from ancient Chinese philosophy, Yin and Yang. Now in Chinese philosophy, Yin and Yang represents the duality in nature and the dual nature of reality, where opposite forces are interconnected and interdependent, creating balance and harmony in the universe. Yin and Yang were always about balance, not about strict roles for men and women. We also have psychologists Carl Jung, who spoke about something called the Anema and the Anemis, which

5:14represents the archetypes within the human psyche. And the idea in this psychologist theory is that with every person, they carry both the masculine and the feminine qualities within them. So the point wasn't ever actually that women should only be feminine and men should only be masculine. It was almost the opposite actually. It was that humans are complex and layered and contain both. And I guess over time, with the likes of social media technology, especially if we add in self-help books, self-development, dating advice, it has in a way lost its way. The idea has slowly been simplified and turned into something a little more rigid when it comes to gender roles. And instead of balance, it's just been more about following rules. It's been very strict. As I said, women always being told to be soft, to be surrender, to be

6:14receptive, to be in your feminine energy so that he can lead and guide you and men should be the leaders, the protectors, the providers, because they would hunt and gather back in the day. And I just think it's really fascinating how these complex ideas about human personality get turned into something that is about traditional gender roles, just with different language around them. And I think when we see people talking about feminine and masculine energy, it is so important to remember that a lot of what we're hearing is that it is those old outdated views with new branding. And I like to hold more of a more modern view, something that is grounded in, I want to say, psychology, relationship research. And I haven't always held this because I want to be so honest. A part of me maybe did subscribe to this whole masculine feminine being

7:16your masculine. He needs to be being your feminine. Don't be too masculine. When I was single, and I thought it was interesting that even though I've changed my view on it, and I see it from a different pair of E now, it is common that a lot of people are drawn to it. It is not lost to me that people bind with the people believe it. And I think part of the reason that this idea has become so popular is because humans often will gravitate towards explanations that are simple when it comes to complex things. And relationships are one of the most complicated parts of life. They are sometimes really hard to deal with dating involves a lot of heavy emotions, dating involves getting the timing right, communicating with somebody else, navigating all your baggage, navigating the next person's baggage, being vulnerable with this stranger. There are so many moving parts when it comes to dating. And so when we see a framework that makes it sound simple,

8:20it looks appealing. It feels appealing. There is also a concept in psychology called cognitive ease. And it basically means that our brains prefer explanations that feel clear, that feel neat and easy to understand, even if they're not the full picture. And I think even being aware of that makes so much sense to me because I struggled when I was single. I struggled, especially in my late 20s. And I did really subscribe to this whole masculine, feminine energy in that way. And I'll give you an example. You know, if you hear something like it's not working with this person because you're too masculine, that's a much easier explanation or thing to understand rather than unpacking the real things behind it or the things that might be actually happening underneath it. I'm talking about attachment styles. I'm talking about how we learn to connect with people, how we watched our caregivers show love to each other. I'm talking about our communication patterns, whether someone shuts down

9:21in conflict and stone walls or rather heated or they can talk through things calmly, even just how we regulate our emotions, how you handle your big feelings, how you handle conflict, something like compatibility when I think about it. Sometimes you might not be compatible. That's actually not a really heavy thing, but sometimes it might be easier to blame it on the feminine energy or the masculine energy. Two people can be very good people and still not be a good match for each other. But those conversations that I mentioned and those examples are much more layered. They require a little bit of depth to it. They require some reflection and not everyone is comfortable with that. And I think the masculine and energy conversation that idea gives people that ease that understanding and it feels easier to swallow. And it's almost this instruction. If you do this, the relationship will work. If you shift into this energy, things will improve. And in a space like dating, which is, like I said, very hard sometimes.

10:25It's exhausting. It's fucking uncertain. It's vulnerable. It's unpredictable. Certainty can feel pretty good. Even if it's not the most healthiest way to look at it or the most productive way to look at it. But my main issue with the idea of masculine feminine energy, especially when it comes to dating is that it does reinforce outdated gender stereotypes. And it's very subtle. I didn't think I was doing that when I was subscribing to the masculine feminine energy in my mid 20s. But very quietly, it does reinforce traditional gender roles. When you look at the language around it, it often ends up sounding a lot like old ideas about how men and women are supposed to behave, just packaged up in this modern, nice sounding word. And then I think if we look at what modern dating is like and what a modern relationship is in 2026, those rigid roles aren't what we determine whether

11:25a relationship works out or not. And one of the most well-known researchers and my personal favorite, I follow Gotman Institute on Instagram. He sure will be following them. Famous psychologist, John Gotman, he has spent decades studying couples and what predicts long term relationship success. And to me, it's very interesting that his research highlights things that have nothing to do with masculine energy or feminine energy at all. What the Gotman Institute suggests predicts long term relationship success are things like emotional responsiveness. An example, when your partner reaches out to you emotionally bids for attention, bids for connection, you respond to them with care rather than dismissing them, things like respect. Even when you are not in the same page or maybe you disagree, you're still able to talk to each other with care and kindness rather than with content, conflict to repair. That's talking to the ability to come back from

12:27an argument, the ability to reconnect instead of letting resentment build and fester away. And the Gotman Institute also suggests that friendship within the relationship is another big indicator, genuinely lacking each other, enjoying each other's company and feeling like you're on the same team. No, we're in there. Do I see anything about the relationship being successful as being dependent on someone being in their masculine or feminine energy? What healthy couples or healthy relationships do is they are able to flex the masculine and feminine roles depending on the situation because we all have masculine and feminine energy within us. We all have masculine and feminine traits. Sometimes one person might be taking the lead in something. Sometimes you might have to swap roles. Sometimes one partner might need more support than the other. Sometimes the other does. Is that not 50-50?

13:28Sometimes it might look like 60-40 or 80-20 or 70-30. It is much more fluid than the structured, rigid idea of you have to be in your masculine if you're a man and you have to be in your feminine if you're a woman. I also think it can be a little bit unhelpful if we're so focused on like this feminine masculine conversation. We end up missing other really important parts of what to look for when it comes to dating or in a relationship. Emotional safety, communication, mutual respect. I think it just limits it if we stick to that feminine masculine conversation. The other thing I wanted to mention is that the feminine masculine conversation quietly shames women. It concerns me. It places a lot of the responsibility on women who maybe in relationships that aren't working. It puts the responsibility on them. The message is sounding like if your relationship isn't working you must not be doing your femininity correctly. I see this all over social media. Women are being told

14:31you're too independent. Don't be too independent. You're too career-focused. Definitely don't focus on your career. You need a soften. You need to be nurturing. You need to be open to that feminine. Lean into that feminine so that he can guide you. Some places promise you a change of scenery. Others show you the world in a whole new light. Take Ilamarada between the brilliant sunsets, Azure skies, warm clear water, and endless activities including legendary sport fishing and diving. Ilamarada will take you places you've never been before. In more ways than one, for more about Ilamarada, visit flak.com slash Ilamarada. And it pisses me off because it's like this idea that if a woman is confident, successful, sure of herself, driven, self-sufficient, as we should be, that now she's

15:32somehow stepped out of her feminine energy and that's why her relationship isn't working or that's why she's struggling to find a partner or that's why she's not having luck in the dating pool and that is just bullshit. And then I think if you look at research on gender roles, it also shows that women are judged at both ends of the spectrum very harshly too. If a woman is, say, confident, assertive, direct, she's often always labeled as aggressive, intimidating, or too much. On the other hand, if a woman is more passive, quiet, or say, accommodating, she might be seen as weak or lacking confidence or not strong enough, we can't kind of win at either end. And it's this double bind that psychologists call it where women are criticized for opposite behaviors at the same time. If you're too strong, it's a fucking problem. If you're too soft, also a problem. And we're expected to sit in this

16:33middle ground, this very narrow space where you can be a little bit confident, but don't be too confident. You can be a little bit successful, but don't be too ambitious. Don't get too big for your boots. You can be a little bit independent, but make sure you're still soft and make sure you're still a people-pleaser and make sure you're still accommodating. It's exhausting. And this line is constantly moving. It is shifting, dependent on your culture, social expectations, even the people around you. And that's why it's so frustrating because when we get the relationship advice that we need to be more feminine, that we need to be more soft, it just adds another layer for us to think about, for us to perform to, for us to be this version of ourselves rather than just being ourselves. And that can make dating feel like your constantly just playing this role, that's not really you. Instead of showing up as who you actually are, I did mention this a moment ago, relying on the feminine and masculine energy really just ignores personality

17:37and attachment styles. And that conversation, I think, if so much deeper needs its own another podcast episode on it, we all know attachment theory talks about our connection, how we seek connection in adulthood, but it's based on our childhood, it's based on how we watched our caregivers show love, how we watched them interact, our parents or whoever was raising us, it can talk to trauma that we may have had in our childhood. Basically, how our early experiences with connection and safety shape the way we behave in our relationships later in life. And I have spoken about this in a separate podcast before, all the different attachment styles. We have avoidant attachment where someone values independence really strongly and can feel overwhelmed when things become too emotionally intense for them. On the other side, you've got anxious attachment where someone might crave reassurance or feel unsettled when there's distance or uncertainty with who they're dating or their partner. There's also secure attachment where

18:39someone feels comfortable with closeness, someone feels comfortable with communication and someone feels comfortable with independence. And when you have a lot of people in the dating pool not aware of their own attachment issues or their own attachment styles, even not even saying that there's issues, it can really change dating culture and change the way that dating cycles work. And when you do start to date, you see these patterns and you see these dynamics start to play out. An example, if you're someone with an anxious attachment style, you might reach for more reassurance from your partner and you might be really on edge when they start to pull away or when you shift a difference in their energy, whereas someone with a more avoidant attachment style might actually try to create a little bit of distance when they're feeling a little bit too close or feeling like their relationship is demanding a bit too much from them. And if we just blanket that

19:41with feminine energy and masculine energy, she's chasing him because she's leaning into her masculine energy or he's pulling away because he's not in his masculine energy. But in reality, what's actually happening is an anxious avoidant attachment which is a lot deeper and two different attachment styles interacting with each other that has absolutely nothing to do with feminine or masculine energy. It is about emotional patterns, nervous system responses and the ways people have learned to experience connection growing up, which I think it just reduces it. If we start blaming it on femininity and masculine energy, you miss the deeper, more useful conversation. You miss the conversation around self awareness, communication and understanding our own relationship patterns and our own relationship history. And so, what is the solution or what is the way forward? I think it is to look toward relationship dynamics, dating dynamics in a more well-rounded, healthier way.

20:45And pushing back, challenging the feminine masculine energy conversations or even if it's not conversations that you're having out loud with people, but that's how you might view them, challenging that within yourself. Instead of framing relationships through that masculine feminine lens, be more flexible with it. In psychology, they call it psychological flexibility. It is really just the ability to adapt and be flexible with different situations and respond in ways that support your relationship or support your dating or support you as a human rather than feeling locked into any role or locked into any situations. I think learning so much about what I've learned by going to therapy, about myself and about my own attachment styles and my own history. Healthy relationships don't require people to perform a fixed version of themselves. That's not realistic. That's not possible. That's not something that is sustainable

21:49either. A healthy relationship in my eyes allows me and allows you, allows people to move between roles as they see fit. It allows people to show different parts of them. It allows you to be a deeply layered, complex human. Sometimes you might have to play the nurturing role. Maybe your partner is going through something, something serious, something that's upsetting them. But other times that might be you and your partner might be the one who is nurturing you. Sometimes you might be the assertive one. Speaking up on your boundaries, asking for what you need, explaining to your partner about something that matters to you. Vice versa, your partner might be assertive with you. Sometimes you're the vulnerable one. You might be sharing something that's difficult or that's hard that you're going through at the moment. Sometimes that might be your partner. Other times you might be the strong one holding down the fort, holding space when your partner needs it. Sometimes it might be your partner and vice versa. The key thing is that these

22:54qualities are not tied to genders. They are not tied to a man or a woman. Both people in a relationship should be able to access every part of themselves and be fluid with it, be flexible with it. And I think it's so important that we push back on this idea that relationships are about one person being the protector and the other being the soft one, being the protected. That's not helpful. That's not productive. Instead, relationships need to be about two people trying to meet each other's needs, trying to show up for each other, trying to respond to each other's needs as they arise, which Dr. John Gottman, the Gottman Institute talks a lot about responsiveness. And I love it. I think it is just a healthier approach. Are you guys emotionally responsive to each other? Are you emotionally available to each other? Do you listen when the other person is trying to communicate something important? Do they listen to you? Do you adjust and show up for each other when life gets difficult? Do they do that for you? These are the things that I think

23:56are more important to focus on rather than masculine and feminine energy. Does a relationship feel safe? Does a relationship feel supportive? Do they try to meet your needs? Not whether someone is trying to perform in their masculine energy or their feminine energy. At the end of the day, a good relationship is not about fitting into a role or fitting into a job. It is about supporting your partner, showing up for your partner and being flexible enough to meet each other where you are. And so I don't think the goal in relationships is about being more masculine or being more feminine. If you haven't got that by the end of this episode, I think it is just about finding, dating, being with someone who makes you feel emotionally safe. I think it's about being with someone who respects you. I think it's about being with someone who is responsive to your needs, who treats you with care and treats you with kindness. That doesn't make your partner then be more feminine. That makes your partner human. That makes your partner also trying to show up and do

24:58their best and meet you where you are. I know that I just rambled on that, but I had so much to say, I couldn't help myself and I really do hope that is helpful, especially to any of our listeners who might be single, who might be seeing content like that. Click on it, say not interested. Take it with a grain of salt. Of course, take anything you hear on a podcast with a grain of salt. Even the stuff I tell you, but I hope that I'm able to challenge anyone who might be leaning into that or might be even finding that they are leaning into it and not feeling very good about it. I don't believe that is the best approach when it comes to dating or relationships or showing up day to day. All right, guys, we are at the end of the episode. I am going to give you a different thing today. Usually I give you guys a recommendation, which I have a recommendation for you, but I've got something better for you today because tomorrow is HotCrossBunday with Bakers Delight.

25:59And I got to work with them over on my TikTok and I'm really grateful because I love working with Bakers. They're my favourite. At the moment, I'm going through a bit of a cheese and bacon roll face. I got to work with them probably about three weeks ago now. I made this video about HotCrossBunday where you can go into any Bakers Delight Bakery tomorrow on the 13th of March and get a free HotCrossBund. You can pick up either a traditional chocolate chip or a apple and cinnamon. And oh my goodness, their HotCrossBunds are the best. You already know that bit of free one. It is limited to the first 300 people per bakery so you need to probably get up early and go. But my gosh, I love them. They did it last year. I worked on that campaign. I got to do it again this year and I just can't fault it. Who doesn't love something free and who doesn't love a delicious HotCrossBund? Am I right? I think I'm right. Guys, I'm going to love and leave you there. If you like this episode, please share it. Share it to your stories. Share it with a friend. Share it to someone who you want

26:59to challenge about the masculine feminine conversation. And even though watching Mass CCR has low key, piss me the fuck off. I think I've been very grateful because it has given me lots of thought starters and then I've been able to give you guys all my thoughts and word vomit. But I'm going to say goodbye and I'll be back in your ears on Monday. Bye. As an independent podcast, your safe space grows through word of mouth. So if you enjoyed this episode today, the best way to support me is by leaving a five star review on Spotify or Apple podcasts or simply sharing the episode with someone you love. Thank you so much for listening and I'll see you next time. This podcast was recorded on Rurundjeri land. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. Some places promise you a change of scenery. Others show you the world in a whole new light. Take Ilamarada between the brilliant sunsets, azure skies, warm clear water and endless

28:06activities, including legendary sport fishing and diving. Ilamarada will take you places you've never been before. In more ways than one, for more about Ilamarada, visit flak.com slash Ilamarada.