Defensive Dating

In "Defensive Dating", Figs explains how becoming our "protector" selves in relationship backfires.

In a 30-second clip, reality tv star Tiffany Pollard lays it all out for her date:

• "I want my eggs cracked" (I want a child)
• "I want my name dropped" (I want to be married)
• I'm not your bed maiden, maid, floozy, or [redacted]
• I'm not perfect, but I'm good to you, and you're going to have to give me something substantial.

This is an example of a character strategy — a "protector" self deployed to shield our vulnerable, hurt selves from emotional pain.

Though her date doesn't speak during the entire video, we can also observe his character strategy — a skeptical, nonchalant, still-faced man.

Those 4 "people" are present in every conflict — your vulnerable self, your protector, your partner's vulnerable self, and their protector.

This strategy completely makes sense… and is a self-fulfilling, self-defeating prophecy.

Figs explains that every time you ask for your needs to be met as your protector — "I'm not playing with you." — it's like throwing a boomerang. 

It guts your partner, who then deploys THEIR protector (Mr. Nonchalant Pants), and your boomerang swings back around to gut you — "See, they really DON'T care."

And on and on.

Most people who come in to have sessions with Figs are locked in this cycle.

So, how does he break you out of it?

Well, first, you have to see all sides of the boomerang effect at play and feel, "Look at how sad this is for both of us!"

Then — once the trust and understanding makes it safe for both of you — you can go deeper into vulnerability.

It is only then, with your protector reassured and from the voice of your vulnerable one, that you will ask for your needs to be met and have it actually happen in the way you long for.

And this happens in both directions — one partner is able to reach out to have the other be there for them, and the other is able to finally be good enough.

What is really transformative about this experience occurs when this moment becomes a memory. All those "files" informing your view of the world — telling you that you can't trust others to love you in the way you need, that you're alone or not good enough — now are up against at least one shining piece of proof that you ARE lovable.

Then we do it again. And again.

And those old files become less and less relevant.

And before you know it, you're both living in a world that's a little bit safer and brighter than before.

This can happen for couples with dramatic displays like this, and it can happen for you.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.