Do Men Want You To Pick Up The Check?

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Hey there, I do part two.

I'm one of your mentors, Mr. Wright.

And I'm here to continue answering some of those questions that we got last week.

So let's dive right into some of those voice mails and emails asking about dating in chapter two.

Hi, I'm calling in for the hotline question.

This is going to be an anonymous question.

If I've been talking to a guy for almost a year, we text before we have great chemistry.

But he's never planned a real date.

Am I being patient or am I being delusional?

Let me know.

Well, anonymous.

I'm going to have to say it's been a year and you have a plan to real date.

I'm thinking there might be some issues there.

I'm not saying you're being delusional because the heart wants what their heart wants.

But I just, I think much quicker than a year, there should be some momentum there.

There should be momentum in the relationships.

There should be progress.

And a year's a long time to wait.

So, gosh, I can't think of a situation in which this makes a lot of sense to keep pursuing.

So, I would, I would put you kind of more, in your words, in your words, not mine, in the delusional category to think that this is going to work out.

Now, anonymous, this sounds like it could be a long distance relationship.

So, maybe you're dating an astronaut.

You know, he's been out of the country, out of the orbit for a while and can't do anything.

But maybe, you know, if it is long distance and not an astronaut.

But if it is long distance and that's the reason that a real date hasn't been established,

I think this might be some time, you know, a time frame should be put on this.

And start building to something, you know, towards something and put it on the calendar.

And if the person on the other end kind of box it that, then I think that you could probably answer that question and not waste any more time if it isn't going anywhere.

Now, I think if you are going to end this with this person, I think there should be some wrap up.

There should be some conclusion to it.

I don't think you should just leave it hanging.

You know, I think you should definitely say, you know what, it's been amazing, you know, talking to you over this last year.

But it doesn't look as though we're really making any progress.

You know, I really wish this could have worked out, but I'm looking for something more.

And so, I think you can take some responsibility for yourself because you know, you haven't pressed the issue to the point where something's happened.

So, take some responsibility and don't just put it on the other person.

And then, you know, maybe, you know, that would push that other person to make a bigger effort.

Just say, oh my gosh, I do not want to lose you.

I'm going to take a flight out.

I'm going to drive out to see you or let's meet somewhere.

So, don't just, you know, don't just ghost them.

That's the worst.

But give an opportunity for it to be made right.

And, you know, maybe it doesn't, but maybe it does.

That was a great, great question.

I got another email here coming in from Kathy.

She says that she's been dating a man that she met through a mutual friend for eight months.

I really like where our relationship is going, but I want to talk about finances and don't know how to bring it up.

I think I make more money than him.

Do guys care about that stuff when we're in our fifties?

My ex-husband was terrible with money.

And I need to be with someone who isn't like that again.

All right, Kathy.

This is one of the biggest deltas between a first relationship, a first marriage, and a second marriage.

The first marriage is starting off, you know, you might have made more money than your ex, but like, you know, it's kind of a horse race.

Who knows where it's going to go because you're starting off your young, you're building your life.

In this second chapter, in this second go round, if you think that this might be the man of your second dreams,

I think that it is important to make sure that everything is out on the table.

You know, past history with other relationships, all these sorts of criminal records.

And I think that finances are right there with those topics.

I think it's just as important.

You want to make sure that there is no confusion because maybe it isn't a big deal at all.

But if you don't know, the not knowing is going to eat at you, especially if you're bringing it up right now, it is going to eat at you.

And, you know, if I was a guy on the other side, you know, maybe, you know, I'd be inspired that my partner is doing better than I am.

And I hope that you would be with somebody that would not be jealous of you, that would want you to be as successful as possible.

So this might be a great way to figure out what kind of guy this is.

So don't be scared, especially if, you know, if you guys are in similar situations, he should expect that because, you know, that's just one of the ways that you go and avoid a landmine.

Down the road.

Now, what does Mr. Wright think about how guys feel about the woman making more money?

I think if he's a good guy, he would be inspired by that.

I think that, you know, you don't want a guy that's going to be, you know, kind of a gold digger going the other direction.

But I think that that guys might feel an initial intimidation by it.

But really, if you've got a good guy, he wants to say, oh, God, this woman has been accomplished.

She's done things. She's, you know, she's smart with her money, works hard, whatever the case may be.

But I don't think guys are going to be intimidated by that.

And if so, I think that might be red flag.

And Kathy, I'm going to let you know right now that guys talk about finances about their dates, you know, the women they're dating, all that sort of stuff.

That does come up.

Usually what the caution is, is this person dating you for your money?

Are they a gold digger? So it's usually that direction.

Now, conversely, if, you know, if the woman, you know, is successful or independently wealthy, able to take care of herself, that's usually something to brag about.

And so, you know, the joke is, and I'll be able to golf all I want because, you know, my new wife, girlfriend, person I'm dating is going to take care of me.

So usually when we're talking about finances between guys, we're making sure that the other guy isn't getting taken for, you know, and, and someone dating him just for his money.

But if it's the other way around, that's usually a pretty cool thing.

So taking Kathy's email a little bit further, you know, there are situations in chapter two and, you know, guys are now dating a divorcee.

And their previous lifestyle might have been extremely extravagant.

Now, they might have gotten a big settlement, they might have gotten a bunch of money, they might be a widower, all sorts of situations.

And I think the guy has to be mindful of, are they going to be able to keep up?

Are they going to be able to provide or keep up with what the, you know, what the woman is expecting?

So I think, you know, in that conversation about finances, I think there's a big conversation about expectations as well.

And, you know, in chapter two, I mean, love is so important, love is so important.

Compatibility is also equally important.

And I think that's where in chapter two, really finances do start to play into it.

And I think that that is part of a conversation that needs to be had before you have kind of these false expectations and find yourself all of a sudden, wait a second.

Why didn't we talk about this earlier? This was so obvious.

And that's, you know, this is really a chapter two issue that doesn't come up in chapter one.

In chapter one, you know, you're thinking we're going to spend the rest of our lives together, we're going to build towards a common goal.

In chapter two, it's like, yeah, I'm kind of, we've kind of done a lot of that stuff independently.

Do our lives merge.

And that includes finances, that includes lifestyle, that includes vacations, all those sorts of things, you know, those have to mesh as well.

All right, Kathy, now you brought up, you know, kind of a hornet's nest.

Now, if we're talking about finances and we've got to talk about debt, we've got to talk about things like leverage and credit scores.

And, you know, when you're bringing on a partner in chapter two, you got to make sure you know what you're getting.

It's just like investing in a company a little bit.

You want to make sure that the balance sheet works.

And I mean, there's always mitigating circumstances.

I mean, maybe the guy just got taken to the cleaners by his ex-wife, the settlement, child support, all these sort of things.

So there could be mitigating circumstances here.

So I don't want to just make a blanket statement.

But I do think you need to be careful if one or other is coming into the relationship.

It could be man or woman is coming in with a bunch of debt is coming in with a bunch of credit cards they can't pay off are coming in and not employed.

Or are living a lifestyle that is obviously outside of their means.

Those are things to get to be very, very mindful of because it doesn't get better.

It gets worse.

And if you are coming into it and you're going to be the one expected to bridge that gap.

You got to be ready to bridge that gap all the way and continue to bridge that gap if it's a lifestyle thing.

So this is probably the least romantic thing we'll ever talk about on this podcast.

But there are credit scores and debt.

Those things do mean a lot, especially in chapter two.

I mean, if this is a topic that is compelling to people, I would say bring in those questions or there's voice mails, emails.

And we can talk about some of the less romantic parts about relationships and especially in chapter two.

What are the things to be mindful of?

What are the things that guys and girls should be looking for aside from just that spark?

Sparks are important. Don't get me wrong.

But as you get into chapter two, you get in a different phase of your life.

You know, you're thinking about your security, your safety, you're thinking about maybe your kids and where they are in their lives.

So there are parts of this chapter two, this next phase of your life that have to be considered that are just really not considered in chapter one.

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Well, great question, Kathy. And you know, that got us on all kinds of tangents. And let's get centered here with our next voicemail.

Hey, it's Emily. I'm in my 40s. I'm just thinking about getting on to dating apps for the very first time. It's scary.

Can you tell me what we should be putting on our profile that won't make you just like swipe by immediately?

What are the top things that men want to see when they see these profiles? Thank you so much for your help.

All right, this is a great question. Now, Mr. Wright, this is what I feel. There have three things have changed the trajectory of dating in mankind.

It's been alcohol, deodorant, and social media. There is nothing that has been more responsible for hooking people up than those three things.

Unfortunately, the third part, the social media part, the profiles, what do you put on there? I mean, there is so much fluff out there.

There is so much filter and fluff, which is fine. And it's great for likes and clicks and all that kind of stuff and follows.

But if you're at that point in your life where you're trying to find somebody through social media or even a dating app, what should you put on there? I would say put on the truth.

I mean, you can put some fluff pictures. You can put some filter pictures. But if you want that first date to go to a second and a third and a fourth and whatever else comes after that, you don't want to be selling a false bill of goods.

And if you're into hiking, then put some hiking photos in there. If you're not into hiking, don't put hiking photos in there. Don't put out dorsi photos in there.

Be honest about the sort of guy that you're trying to attract, not just for the first time, but for the first 10 times.

And so, of course, you can put, you know, show pictures of what you look like in your best of best, but also put a picture in there when you've just finished a marathon.

Or when you've just finished a hard day or you're at the beat, mix it up. I guess is what I'm trying to say. If there's 10 glam shots in a row, that might attract the wrong type of guy.

And what I mean by a wrong type of guy is a guy that's maybe not getting the full picture of who you are. And so it's tough to say because it's not going to give you the likes and the follows and whatever else.

If it's just bikini picture after glam picture after prom picture, but an honest profile and honest set of pictures, I think is going to attract the right type of guy that you're going to eventually be looking for.

And I'll say for guys, you know, for your profiles, be honest, you know, make sure that you're not portraying yourself to be six foot five when you're five foot five.

There's nothing wrong with being five foot five. There is something wrong at showing up for a date with a girl that thinks you're six foot five and you're five foot five. That's lying.

So just be honest about it. You can, you know, you have to be obvious about it, but just don't, don't lie. Don't, don't be fake.

You know, if, you know, if you've, if every hat or picture that you have has a hat in it, then they're probably trying to hide something.

Don't need to hide it. Be honest because you don't want to end up at that first date and think you're going to fool them forever.

So be honest. I think that posting pictures with your friends is important because I think a lot of times girls are looking at profile and single, you know, who did you hang out with?

Does he have friends to begin with? Are they all hanging out watching video games, you know, smoking pot and, you know, eating popcorn?

Or are they going out and doing things? Are they involved in a community? Are they, you know, going to the beach and parties and traveling and stuff like that?

Those are the photos that I would highlight. If you have kids, show your kids. Show what you like to do with your kids.

I think that's an important part as well to give kind of a full picture of the person that you are.

Now, I would say almost the exact same thing for the women as well on your profile. Show things that you like to do. Show places that you like to go.

Now, if you've only gone to Hawaii once, you don't need to spam 500 Hawaii pictures, but, you know, mix it up. Show the guys that might be looking at your profile, the type of person that you are.

Also show your friends. Also show if you have kids. That's an important part of it as well. And especially don't think about, hey, I just want to get the first date.

Think about how is this going to first date going to turn into 10 dates or maybe a happily ever after. And I think if you're not being honest with your profiles and your pictures, if you're using too many filters or, you know, hiding your, you know, your hairline or hiding your eyes or whatever that is.

It might work once, but it's not going to work a second time.

And lastly, I want to talk about this new thing that I've seen on dating apps, which are the voice memos of the voice notes.

I think it's great. I think every kind of like turning a person from 1D into 3D as much as you can is great. I think there should be video notes. I think as much of that out there as possible. I think is a great thing.

So there's less suspense when you're going to go meet the person. There's more kind of expectations are going to be realized once you once you see them or meet them.

You know, that's why I think it's also a great thing to talk to somebody on the phone, text with them before you ever meet them.

So you can kind of get a familiarity, kind of get a rhythm and a pace to the way you communicate before you just have that awkward first hug when you meet each other at the restaurant or the bar wherever it is.

So I'm all a fan of as many different ways to break the ice with someone before you actually meet them.

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The catch? Everyone but the new guy is an actor. Oh yeah, and the company's fake.

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Alright, we have one more email here from Leila and she writes, I'm trying to date with more intention the older I get.

How soon into dating a guy do I mention my timeline when it comes to getting engaged and married?

I feel like I wasn't up front quickly enough in past relationships and I don't have time to wait anymore.

Alright, Leila, great question, especially as we're working in chapter two, we're working in this next part of our lives.

Yeah, you do want to date with more intention, but I'd be careful about timelines.

Timelines are just boxes and your box and somebody else's box might not be identical.

They might be similar, but as soon as you start putting a box into something in a deadline, the other person might start to feel trapped by it.

Now, you want to make sure that you are continuing to make progress and I think that that's more of a personal responsibility thing where you're saying, okay, by the fifth date, I want to make sure I've met his family.

By the tenth date, I want to meet his kids or whatever, whatever those little kind of hurdles are that you want to hit, make sure you're doing those.

But maybe use those with the other person as opposed to getting engaged and getting married.

I think that stuff will come more organically as you're hitting these milestones and it can be up to you to set those milestones for that other person.

So they know, okay, yeah, so meeting my family is important.

Okay, great, meeting my friends is great.

Okay, so put those things out there.

Don't put a timeline on engagement necessarily or marriage necessarily.

You can talk about that's your goal in life.

I do want to get remarried.

I do want to have all these things and talk about those things.

But as soon as you say that I want that on June 15th this year, you might find a little bit of apprehension from the other side.

Maybe you won't, which is great, but I would tend to think that the other person might have a similar timeline, but maybe not the exact same one.

It would be a shame to break up a relationship because you're off by a couple of months.

So I think that timelines definitely are more important to women than the art of men.

And again, a lot of it depends on how long has the person come out of a relationship?

Where is their headspace at right now?

And maybe that they both people want to get remarried.

And maybe they want to get remarried to each other.

One person's timeline says, I've been out of a relationship for five years.

I want to get married now.

The other person might say, this is the third person I've dated.

I just need a little bit of time before I'm actually ready.

So I think that it depends in timelines, I think, for chapter one when you're first getting married.

I think that women definitely have very hard and fast timelines for it because they want to have babies and they want to start a family and all these other things.

In this next chapter, even though you might not think it, we have time.

There is time to make sure that you are comfortable, that you're in the right headspace, that your finances are right, that your situations are right,

that your kids are right, there's all these mitigating factors in there where it might not just be the guy or the girl that says, I need some time.

Not because I haven't made up my decision about the other person, but because I need to get my landscape right.

I need to get my life organized so I can be the best partner I can be for the other person.

So I think ultimately that two compatible people are working towards the same thing.

And hopefully you've talked about it.

Hopefully you've talked about your goals, if it is marriage, getting married.

If it is moving in together, it is moving in together.

But I would just be careful about setting too many expectations on exact dates.

And like I said before, put in these little pieces, little kind of hurdles that you want to see happen along the way that are ultimately going to lead there.

Meeting friends, meeting family, meeting kids, vacation together.

And then the other things just kind of come organically and make sure that you're being responsible for yourself and protecting your heart to make sure that you know the other person is working towards the same thing that you are.

But again, I'm just, I would be cautious about putting a firm deadline saying that we need to be engaged by the end of the year.

Because maybe that's not quite what the other person's thinking.

And again, it would be a shame to mess up something really great, you know, over a calendar.

All right, it looks like we have one last voicemail on this topic today.

So let's hear it.

Hi, my name is Stephanie.

And my question is, is it ever appropriate to have sex in a public setting when you are,

let's say above the age of 30 or is it just entirely gross?

Maybe like outside or in a restaurant bathroom, etc.

Thanks.

Bye.

All right, Stephanie, that's a, that's a doozy to end up with.

I love it.

Is, is it gross to have sex in a public place after your 30?

Well, usually the options for public spaces are pretty gross to begin with.

I mean, we're talking about bathrooms, you know, it might be hot and heavy and romantic in the moment.

Maybe, but I'd still put that on the gross factor, especially, you know, if you're, you know, if you're a mature adult, you know, I don't know what, but the 30 threshold is.

But like, you know, if you've got, you know, kids, friends, anyone that could possibly ever find out about it, I think I'd be mortified.

I like the idea.

I mean, it's, you know, it's definitely a sexy thought.

But I think that I think probably sex in a park after 30.

I just, I just can't imagine that that's anything that anyone would want to see.

But if I'm thinking about it, okay, what are public places?

I'm just thinking, you know, you know, in the bleaches of a ballgame, which I think is probably a little bit more of an extreme thought.

But maybe, you know, if you're thinking about mile high club, you know, if you have the flexibility and if you're back and hold up, then that's an option.

And that's obviously something that people like to brag about that they've, they've accomplished.

You know, camping, I guess, is that a public spot?

I'm not really sure if it is or not, but if it is, I think that's fine.

As long as, you know, you haven't been camping for too long.

So I think that it probably depends on the, on the place, the time, the situation.

And, you know, that's a, that, there's, there's a lot of factors, a lot of mitigating factors in there.

But generally, I think that, you know, sex and a bathroom and a bar, probably leads up to the kids.

Well, I got to say that for our first time out, that was amazing.

I was not expecting the wide variety and colorful questions and thoughts.

But I'm, I hope it was helpful, my Mr. Right perspective on all these things.

And, you know, if you're single and in your chapter two and need some advice, call us.

Email us. Find all the info in the show notes and make sure you follow us on socials.

And, if you like this podcast, rate it, review it.

It's great to get some response on this.

This is I do part two, an I heart radio podcast where falling in love is the main objective.

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It's an incredible nonprofit empowering kids through music education.

Thanks to Hyundai, we recorded a special podcast episode while we were there.

How do you think learning an instrument helps kids with confidence?

Learning an instrument allows them to discover a little bit further of who they are and be comfortable with it

and then share a little bit about that with others.

And if it's done in an environment that is celebrating and championing them,

then that confidence can only go up.

The full episode is out now presented by the Hyundai Ionic 9.

To donate and learn more about Yas mission, just visit yeahrocks.org.

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