Ep 634 - Department of Jokes (feat. Yakov Smirnoff)

0:00Wow, wow, Wes. Y'all cough. Thank you very much for being here. Thanks for thanks for having me. Yes. Is it actually coming at a good time? Matt's become a bit of a russophile. Okay. Yeah. Okay. You're crazy. I know. I heard I was like, dang, that's not good. So obviously I'm reading Dosty Eski right now. And he's, he's made me a russophile. You, you're liking it. I'm sure otherwise. Why would you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not that I can do about it. Well, it is an interesting time. Like, uh, side, which side. No, I don't think it's big. Culture, I don't think it's culture. I'm not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's just a joke. I did. I thought I thought you were creating it. I'm like, oh, that's not how it gets, you know. Well, I grew up in Ukraine. But I speak Russian and my wife is from Ukraine. And we speak Russians to each other.

1:02And we have a one year old that we're teaching Russians. So all of this that we're just hoping that this thing will blow over, right at some point. And, um, what? So how does the name thing work? Cause I noticed there's like three names for everybody. There's like, there's like a pet name. Yeah. There's like a formal son of father's name in the middle. Uh, so it would be, uh, my, my dad's name would, so it would be one of each. If your dad's, uh, uh, Ivan, it would be like Yaka of Yvana Vitch. And then the last name. So did you have like a pet name though? Like a nickname too. No, no. Well, my mom would call me like Yasha. There is a Yaka, right? But, uh, not, yeah, that's not normal. That was reading that book and everyone has three names. There's like, yeah, Ović name. There's the Asha like pet name and then there's like a one more.

2:04Yeah. Just like first name kind of thing. But most, most of the time it's your name, your given name, then your father's name, uh, and, uh, at the end of an itch of whatever that the bond of the garbage, whatever, Kevin of it. And then your last name. That's normally and, uh, yeah. It's confusing. When I came to America, I just chose not to not to have that drop the bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're reading this. The bitch fell off. You like that, Nate? Well, no, yes. Well, as you saw, we're going through some struggles here. The guys are down bad. Nate flicked off Joe Rogan yesterday. Yeah. What happened? He, he made a mistake. Staking identity. He gave the middle finger to the boss last night, which is, I might be cooked. I, uh, I thought it was Tony. I thought I saw him come out from the back. I thought his car was Tony's car.

3:05So I was just given what I thought was Tony double middle finger, stand in front of the car. She were gunning for the vice president. The vice president of cool. So I could get away with that with the vice president. I don't know the press. Press of only spoken up. Yeah. Double middle fingers. Crane double. Double virgin. Rogi's, he's probably. He's probably about to get out the car beat the shit out. He was literally just showing us he could do round, roundhouse. Kiss still. He was just amped up. I saw the cop. Like once I noticed what was happening, that's what a cop that was like watching him leave. Like had, he was like, had that alert. Like what the fuck? You're getting tackled. Yeah. I was about to get shot down the street. Dude, I, there was also hitting splits in the green room last night. So funny. The splits are right. Rogi was like, I can still do the splits. That's awesome. Because there was a rumor that David Lucas could do splits. Interesting. And I said, I don't believe it. Yeah. And then Rogi in the media was like, I can't and did it. And then while he was on the ground doing a split, David Jolly walked in.

4:08I was like, the fuck's going on in here. The wonderful night. I used to be able to do this Kazatsky dance. You know, with the kicks. Yeah. And so now in the show, because I have a, I have a theater in Branson. So there's more like a variety. So I do stand up stuff, but I also do some fun, funny stuff. So I have like dancers in the show. And then I come out and I, and I sit on a little stool that they don't see. And I go, and people just love it. And then I, then I get up and turn around. And there is a stool back there. That's like kind of rock. What's the name of that dance? Kazatsky. Kazatsky. Kazak. Kazak. Kazak. Well, no. Kazak's were. Kazak's are close. Yeah. The soldiers and they used to do.

5:08Do you also like drop it? I've noticed they'll drop it low on that too. Like they'll be kicking it. Yeah. I used to. I like when they drop it. Yeah. Yeah. This fun when they drop it low on the ground. I love there's some spinning going on sometimes. Yeah. Yes. Is that reserved for like an occasion? Or is that just like you, if you're on the dance floor, you break it out. Is that like a formal kind of thing? We didn't do that. Like if you're busting out the Kazatsky. Can I go to a club and just fucking? Well, when, when you're capable to do it, it's like doing splits. You know, it's like really? Yeah, it's, it's not an easy thing to do. And, and you watch those guys that they can do spinning and jumping up and doing splits. I've been there. Like sheer legs straight over there. He's my life. Yeah. I used my arm. I'm like, let me chill with that too. Yeah. I'd been in hospital. Yeah. Before I, before I, no, I would be. Yeah. But you can break, if you can do it, break it out. It's like the worm basically. Yeah. Weddings.

6:10It was normal. Yeah. Yeah. Huge, huge glass of vodka and. They were dancing. It honestly sounds awesome. Yeah, it is awesome. Getting hammered and just kicking like crazy. Yeah. Yeah. One thing I did enjoy about the Red Army. The dance. It's a fun thing. I feel like if the Germans had had a fun dance, maybe. People would have been like, these guys are kind of good. They would not. The Germans had no dance. What's that? They just they just they had no. They weren't they kind of crippled. They kind of crippled. They got the goose step. They got some country still hold down. North Korea still rocks a goose step. It's pretty sick. But everyone the whole from military drill perspective. Just from visual perspective. For sure. Military aesthetics. Nothing else. Can I actually, I want to run something by you. Yeah. I, this is for everybody. I saw this thing a couple of days ago.

7:12And I think this is a new development in like ultra white behavior. You know, when your dog poops, you grab a dog poop bag. Right. The guy was squat it down next to his dog holding the bag open while the dog shit into the bag. And I just wanted to say right now, I hope that's not a new trend. Because that way it was so, so disturbing. It was so disturbing to watch. What did this guy look like? Give me a description. It's like one of those, it's like an ultra white. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like someone who's old probably like 60s. Like it took a fleece like a fleece vested kind of soft handed. I don't know. I probably like some shit with a car being around it. I guess like probably some cargoes made. Maybe a Harris voter. Undeniable. I got to be honest that it screams Harris. It was a Harris voter. They need to talk about that, man. I think it was an establishment Democrat for sure. It was definitely as well as them as a guest.

8:15Like 10 pins on your back just holding a bag for your dog to shit in was like, I'd rather you leave it there. Just leave it and walk away. I really, I'd rather you leave that and maybe like, mother fucker than watch that and be like, whoa dude, why are you doing that? What if it has, who's dog as dire is? That's what I've been thinking. Yeah. How they catch that, yeah. Dude, it was my older dogs, what kind of skewed a little bit too. So you know, it was, I couldn't believe what I saw. So I'm hoping that stops now. Yeah. Yeah. Was it a trash bag? It was like like a dog poop bag, the tiny little bag. He was just holding a tiny little dog bag. Right next to the bag. Right on the crater. Just, you know, down a little bit, he let it drop. Scream down. Dude, I should have, I should have beaten them up. You should have fought him. So this is, this is a good job for like a robot to go behind the dog.

9:17Yeah. You're exactly right. At that weight, nobody's upset. I don't like it. Dog shit robot. You might be on a billion dollar idea. I've been trying to make money off a dog shit for a while. I have because like you had to think it has to break down into something that's worth some, you know, I think they off gases. There's all this dog shit. I'm so serious. I mean, it was like all this dog shit is getting just thrown in these bags and trapped in plastic. And it's like, there's got to be some quality within dog shit that you can eat. Like it's like way protein. It's ethanol. Something man. You want the gas. I want to corner the dog shit market and turn it into a million dollars. I mean, you might be. I've been thinking about this a lot. So I can call for a cussac. You. I'll celebrate with a guy. If you do this, I'll get in the enough shape. I'll get stem cells in my knees. I'll hit it. So this is why it's called secret podcast. No one can know about it. Yeah. No one can know about it. Because if somebody gets wind of Matt's dog shit idea.

10:19True. They're going to take advantage of it. You know, I'm asking my belitts right now. Dude, please. Could fuel his rockets. True. It's so shit. No. You could be. It's got to be some use of all that dog shit. Yeah. Apparently it doesn't work as fertilizer because that was my first line of thought. Apparently the bag would not work. The bag. Well, they say they're compostable. Some of the bags. But I've looked into the fertilizer. Like I could be carrying some nasty, you know, I don't know. I don't know why a cowl shit would be looking into it. I do the for sure. Yeah. I've looked into it deeply. It's always me walking dog shit to my out of my garage to my thing. And I'm like, is there an industrial application? I forget it. Whatever it rocks as I got forget. But yeah, stay tuned. Yeah, what do you do? The robot picking it up. Now you're sitting just cleaning it up as a robot. That's just that could just be a form of getting it to you. Yeah. You could use the, you know, those robots that carry like food orders. Yeah. When there's no order in between orders, I could go and just.

11:19Backing dogs. Yeah. Felt the shit. I can't have it in a separate compartment than your food, which would be a good deterrent for the people kicking those things over too. Every once in a while, you go, I was actually carrying dog vomit. Vomits got to have something. We got to get vomit going too. Got to be some stem cell. How about come? Dog come will be. Dog come could be very valuable and lucrative. Probably there's got to be like B12 in it probably. Do you have any dogs? I had a dog for a while. I had them in the show. It was part of this kit. And then I had them for about a year and a half. It was a working dog. It's a working dog. Yeah. It was kind of a half and half. He was supposedly a pet and part of the show. And it was a sheet suit and a poodle. So called him shitpool. So it was a cute little dog. But I realized that I didn't have enough patient for that.

12:20You didn't know. And so I, when I was in the road, I felt guilty that he was alone. And so I would put him into dog motel. And I realized that I was paying more money on dog than me. Yeah. Staying in a nice motel. The lady home, the motel said, why don't we co-parent this dog? And I said, great. So she took him and that was it. That's great. I visited him a couple of times. He was running the motel. He's really cute. So he would sit on her desk and greet people. And he was really, so it worked out really nice. Nice. There's a happy story. Well, the mega rid of his dog. The way him and his family got rid of their dog is they took the dog to the park and they threw the ball and then got in their car and drove away. You serious? Dead serious.

13:20And the dog is still with the balls. It's probably no dog motel. Literally. The least part was just white tail. Fucking hand on the chair after you had a chicken finger. No, I was getting it up. Oh, you had already spilled. Yeah. I'm sorry about it. I didn't mean to actually get upset with you. But that genuinely would have made me angry. That you like to catch up on the fucking chair. Crazy. I would have actually I would have been the truly mad. I would have been like, dude, you got to leave. I just talked to a storm chaser. Talk about it. Read Timmer, I believe his name. He had a, he is the guy who has the tank. He goes to the tornadoes. He had a dog that would do storm chases with him. That's right. I was like, what's that dog's name, Toto? Well, was it a wise joke? They're going to get it in Russia soon. Yeah. Well, yeah, it's like, well, that's got to be crazy for a dog.

14:24They don't like like light thunder. I was like, that dog in that tornado must have been bugging. He was like, yeah, he was actually pretty scared. You be it was called the Dominator. It's an F 350. Dominator is awesome. It's an F 350 that just anchors down into the ground. And it's just like, it's like bulletproof glass. You can go inside of the swirl. Not in F five, obviously. But you can go down and just be inside of a tornado. Then you they launch rockets up into it to like study the wind pattern. Damn, the guy saw Twister. Yeah, pretty much. The guy saw Twister. It was like, I'll do that. I'll do that. That's crazy. I mean, that was actually the, I think the name of it was Toto. Really? Yeah, I was, I loved that movie. You're supposed to. Did you like Twister? Twister was good. I guess. Did you see water world? Uh huh. Did you see water world? Water world Kevin Costner. I remember that. I loved it. I thought it was sick. Yeah, smoke. The what? The smokers.

15:24That's who they're fighting. Is that the guy I don't remember? Smoke six. The bad guys. What? Dang. I just remember Smile of Niel took us to saw it. I don't remember. I just remember seeing Kevin Costner's butt in the movie. You see his butt? This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. Football is finally back. And PrizePix is bringing the heat for the start of the season with stacked September. Oh, I can't. Oh, yeah. New promo is every day including guaranteed picks every Monday. A profit boost. And daily discounts throughout the whole month. It's super simple to get started. Just pick two to six players. Then choose more or less projected stats. You know, I always want more. Just like like past yard, rush yard to or fantasy score. Looking at week one's opener. Sam Donald. Week one opener. Sam Donald. He's just one yard. Let's do it. He's going to get his cash as a pick. When you see him open, it doesn't get any easier than that.

16:27So get locked in for football season. Check out everything PrizePix has going on this September. Download the app today and use code wrench to get $150 in line-ups. If you win your first $5 line-up, that's code wrenched to get $150 in line-ups. If you win your first $5 line-up, PrizePix. Run your game. When you were growing up in Odessa, how long did you live in Odessa? I was 26 when I left the Soviet Union. So I lived all my life in communal apartment with my parents sharing the room. So basically that was my life. So when you hear people talk about how cool communism is, what are your thoughts? Well, it's a good question. Because I'm curious, because I never lived under communism. If you don't know any better, that's the way people live.

17:29So some people live just a little bit better than others. But you get used to it yet. No, I grew up no phone, no car, nine families in one apartment, one bathroom, kitchen shared with me in all those nine families, one stove. And you have a schedule like when you can cook and got for a bit, you cook longer. Then other people get to relapse that and you can have led pipe in your soup. Just for flavor. But you don't know any better. You just live like that. And in my case, I was lucky that I kind of discovered comedy because I wasn't good in sports. I wasn't good in studying. But I was good in making people laugh, getting in trouble and still keep doing it.

18:31And so that's what got me. Yeah, how did stand-up start in the Soviet Union? What did they do in there? Well, in my... Normally, there was like two stand-up comedians in the whole country that approved by the government. It's awesome. So they can be on television, they can be on radio. And so... We're doing that for a few years. Yeah. We did that for like six years. Yeah, for like eight years in the United States. I don't think there's anything close. It's kind of like that. No, no, no. We all share an apartment with one bathroom. No, I got to tell you, this was like when I came to America and I was hoping that I can do comedy about it in speaking English. But I remember going to... I'm sorry to stop you. In the Soviet Union, would any of the people in the communal apartment leave dishes in the communal sink?

19:38Because that would be a beating. Yeah. There was a lot of challenges. This was not one of them. This was not a challenge. They cleaned up and dried up. Even Soviet Russia. Wow. They would... Are you hinting on someone? So if you had been really good at sports though, would you get like a different apartment or would you still be locked in with that? It would still be in the same situation. You would probably have more opportunities like going outside the country like representing the Soviet Union. Comedians were not sent out to represent the Soviet Union. So you would have like a... You were ballet dancers, you know, opera singers. Those were... They were pride of... You guys weren't proud of your comedian? They weren't proud of the comedians? No. Well, if you were approved by the Communist Party, then you were an asset to them.

20:38And then so what would happen in each apartment, there would be a speaker that was connected to... And they were on all the time. So on Sunday mornings, they would broadcast a comedy skit that were approved by the government. And so I would record that... Like a big recorder and I would record that thing. I would memorize it. Because there was no riders. There was no... It wasn't like you were stealing because there was nothing allowed. So... But this was allowed. So then I was able to memorize it very quickly and then would tell my friends and they would laugh. And it was kind of like an impression they knew where I got it. It was everybody heard it. It wasn't like I was... And... But it gave me a chance to be popular with my friends and that's what encouraged that.

21:42Damn, there's something kind of bleak about that though. You're just memorizing like State Propaganda. That was the only thing you're allowed to do, which is... I get it. That's the only thing that was there, but that's like pretty wild. And your condition so much, I remember seeing one of the comedians in New York. And he said that Jimmy Carter had a hemorrhoid operation. And he will be perfect asshole. And I literally docked behind the table because I thought somebody was going to shoot him. I swear. I mean, this how conditioned you were. Don't say anything against the government. And literally we had a department of jokes that each state... We had 15 states or 15 republics. And each republic had the minister of culture that had a department of jokes.

22:42So if to become a professional comedian you had to submit your material in writing, all the jokes that you're going to do. And it would be more like vaudeville comedy. So you're not doing an hour special. You're doing hosting something, few jokes here, few jokes there. And then they would approve it with a stamp. What type of jokes would they approve? Like make fun of your wife or something? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, mother and law jokes. Stuff racism. Oh, no, no, no, no. They didn't like racism. No, you can't do political jokes. You can't do sexual jokes. You can't do religious jokes. You can't do... You can talk about fish. You know, I mean stuff like that. And those jokes were pretty much like old jokes that everybody was hashing them over.

23:42So you didn't have to deal with the communist party. And the informers were everywhere. So you could not just like sneak in a joke because they were watching. So it was pretty, but backstage you would tell jokes about a Christian brezg. I mean, this was just okay. Surprise it in catch on worldwide, like they thought. Do what? Surprise the communist dream didn't catch on worldwide. Well, I, I, you survived. Yeah. I survived in that environment, came here and realized that you can do whatever. What was that light coming here? And when you first got here and you were just kind of like existing and... Well, I didn't speak English. For the interpreter, the guy, you know, was laughing at me and at the immigration office, like he was saying, like, what do you want to do in America?

24:42And I said, I want to be a Russian comedian. And he started laughing. And I go, why is he laughing? He said, well, it sounds like Amish electrician. And so, and then I see dogs are sniffing my luggage. And I said, what is, what's going on there? And, and the interpreter said they're looking for drugs. And I, and I go, I thought in America, people are hooked on drugs, but dogs. And they start laughing again. I'm going, kill it. I'm doing pretty good. Without even knowing the language, I'm doing good, you know. So that's how, but then I didn't, I, I got a, I was really determined. I knew that I wanted to do it, but I know nobody to kind of, there was no sound. Robin Williams was doing suppression jokes. And people kind of thought that he was Russian.

25:42And then they were thinking, oh, you're faking that you're from Russia. All of that stuff was happening for real. And so I, I figured I got a learning lesson. And so I got a job as a, went to a bartending school, because I figured we're just moved to New York, New York. So I went out of New York, oh, you know how to make was the Moscow meal before that. That would have been a good one. Yes, but I had no idea. I'm like, and I go to a bartending school on Fifth Avenue, and they want $200 for a week or two weeks. Or two weeks course to become a mixologist. So I would have a diploma, but I don't speak English. And so I, I bring that big tape recorder with me and record all the drinks that they're, you know, like grasshopper or dry martini, whatever.

26:42And then I try it and I get them. But eventually I got a job and it gave me a chance to start talking to and trying my jokes on Americans. What years? That was 77. Whoa. Yeah. When you came to America, how, like they must have interviewed you a lot, right? Like to come from the Soviet Union to the United States. No, the government was like, like the government being like, oh, government. Yes, they did. But we had to wait in Italy for three months to get past. So they didn't want people with Communist Party records or, you know, like criminal records, Barry Manell. Or I'm joke about that, but they didn't want any of that. And we were real as well. Just got right in. Yes, pretty much. Interesting. So and then and then the interview comes and the you think that, you know, CIA is going to like grill you.

27:46And I walked into that and and the guys in shorts. Yeah. Kind of, you know, relax, kind of going looking at me going for my papers and going, are you a spy? I go, no, it's okay. That's fine. So. Yeah. God, he's strict security. Yeah. Yeah. Tell me, are you a spy? Yeah, you have to tell me. No. I would tell I would be honest if I was a spy. That's pretty. So what was it? What was your impression though when you came here and it was if you're so used to that was so normal to be like nine families in an apartment. You got here and you had your own spread. Like where did you move? Well, you didn't. I mean, at first, at first, it was like, I had a friend. Who immigrated before me and she had an apartment and we slept on the floor for for a while. I came with my parents. So we didn't have any money.

28:47The funny part, how we survived the three months in Italy. They would allow only so many things to take out of Russia. And there was a list like a camera had something like that and a hundred dollars a person to exchange. That's it. So we as kind of a part of this research was, what do we need to take with us so we can sell in Italy? And one of the things was condoms. Because in Soviet Union, there were like a couple of pennies and there you could sell them for a dollar. And we heard that and there was no restrictions on how many condoms you could get. I would go to all different and you could, you got to talk to the pharmacists because it wasn't like just pick it up. You got to talk to them. So I would go from one pharmacy to another and just get as many condoms as I could get.

29:53So we got like a suitcase full of condoms. I'm not making this up. Full of condoms and we gave it to my mom. So figure they won't ask her why, you know, whatever. And so we passed them through and we got to Italy and my job and their job was on Saturday and Sunday. There was an open market and you go there and you open the suitcase and use so condoms. So it was funny because my parents who were very conservative, you know, never seemed capitalism. All of a sudden they become this capitalist. So my dad said, I'm going to be in charge of advertising. So he starts blowing those up. Right. And mom's clever. I mean, and she's a straight as a good, she translates into Italian.

30:53If you don't want to have a kid like this and points at me by a condom and people would laugh and they would buy it. And that's what gave us money to pay rent for this time and we survived. That's awesome. Where's Chernobyl compared to Odessa? It's about, it's closer to Kiev. Yeah. Yeah. So it's probably 60 miles from Kiev. And what year was that? Were you there? I know, no, that blew up in right before the Soviet Union collapse. I believe that that was kind of the last straw that broke the camel's back because Gorbachev did not know. They literally tried to cover it up for a long time. And I talked to a, when I, when I visited, so well, that point still saw you do.

31:54No, no, it was after so I think I've just took my kids to St. Petersburg. And we happened to, through some friends, knew a general who was in charge of covering up Chernobyl. And so, and he said, we tried. So we got all the heavy equipment from all over the country to get there, to bury it, the whole city, the whole thing. But, but after, afterwards already been out, the news were out. And, and that was kind of Gorbachev's, you know, and of that. It seemed like I've, I've went and I visited there and Chernobyl. Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. It's, and they give you a guyger counter and they're still, so if you walk on the pavement, no, no problem. Just same as in the city. But the moment you like, veer off just a little bit into like a grass area. Well, well, well, well, well, well, still there, still there.

32:57That was only like five, six years ago when I went. Jesus. And, but you walk in and there's, it's kind of like a monument to a fallen empire. Because everything I've grown with trees and, and so every day, the pictures are still of, you know, all the Soviet polity. All of that was still there, but it's totally a ruin. How far around it is like unusable, basically, or unlivable now? I don't think the, the radiation level, if you compare it to just a regular city, it has already just from the sun and all of that. So I would say 20 kilometers may be around that. And they build like a dome over it now. I don't know. Yeah. I think so. As a museum or as just a protective.

33:57Yeah. Well, maybe I shouldn't have gone. Yes, but I had them, I have a one year old now. So I guess it's still okay. Yeah. Got three arms. I'm great. It may be the opening. Did you ever see the show Chernobyl? I did. It was great. Yeah. Yeah. You're sitting at the edge of the, the edge of the seat and the music was over that sound that did. But I liked the, my favorite part is the Communist Party. Like when they have the meeting of all the townspeople and they're like, everything's fine. Yeah. And the one guy was like, why is the air glowing? And he's like, shut up. Yeah. And he's like, everything's fine. And then he throws up blood. Yeah. Get him out. Dude, that totally, that was good. What year was that again? I thought it was. No. What's that? Chernobyl. I think it was like when did the blow happen? What would it be? It would be 90. It would be, no, 89 or right before the collapse.

35:01The collapse was 91. So it was. Year of four. It was yeah. Damn. Yeah. That's an epic, that's an epic fail. No names. No names last title. So union existed. Really? That's tough. We'll be back. This is our year. You're ready for some college football. Uh, no. You got to get fired up. Really. It's time. You live in Missouri. Yeah. You Missouri Tiger fan. Well, I don't follow the sports. So I sure should. Yeah. Well, yeah, I With your background. Yes, but my background's like I don't know why grown man bent over and touch each other. I mean that you know, Put it that way. Well, if you say it's gay, I can't you know, hard to argue. I just described it. That's all. This episode is brought to you by Better Help. Oh, Oh, my God. I can instantly tell me tell me if you get better at anything or something. What would you choose?

36:10Oh, man, you know, if I could get better at anything if I could get better at something it would be I'm you know, I would just be better at just kind of like holding my friends holding them. Yeah, sometimes my friends are talking to me. You Stand like, you know, apart from why not just hold them embrace when you embrace when you talk. Yeah, grab the back of their neck. It's Interesting. I never thought of that. Yeah, feeling better, feeling better, being better. It's to find definitely for everyone for Better Help. It's the help of the better. It's a better help therapist who really gets you. It's a focus on global or yeah, global emotional well-being with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over a hundred countries. And it's creating space to help you. Sorry, I can't read any of this. To help you explore what better means to you. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash MSSP. That's better HLP.com slash MSSP. Excellent.

37:14Do you like any sports? No, not really. No, I never got into it. That wasn't good at it. So if I wasn't good, that was Scott loves basketball. I mean, you should see him. Sure. I might be the worst person to ever touch a basketball, but it is my favorite thing. He likes to see the men. He likes to see the big men. See what they can do. Cheers for them. I'd cheer for my word or shirts. He said he was a kiss a bunch of the players for them to win a championship this year. I said, I was kissable. Why are you saying mash butts with a bronze? I said, I was, no, I said, I was bad. He said, you take naked butts and mash them together. I said, I was bad. But with you, you said you would mash butts back. I mean, I'm not sure he's talking about basketball or yes. Well, it's also like, would you rather mash butts or kiss? That's a tough question. Damn, mash butts is disgusting. But it's almost like you guys ever do a naked mash.

38:14It's a little more clinical mash butts quick. Your offer a kiss is pretty intimate. What do you think scary naked butt mash or kissing? No talk. But wet lips. Do I do? But what lips? Those are the only two choices that you got. You got to pick one. You're mashing butts or kissing? I just think you made it out of the show. You need to be sitting in Texas someday talking about mash and butts. Who would have guessed? You must say. We want. We want. We can literally do anything we want. We can mash butts whenever we want. We can do it. Maching butts is our scissors. So what brought you to Missouri? Branson. Branson, Missouri. It's a little town that has a lot of fears.

39:19And I didn't know anything about it. My career kind of went through. I got canceled kind of idea. What did you get canceled for? For the Soviet Union collapsing. Blamed it on you. Somehow I got the brunt of that. Who did you get canceled by? Well, officially, Letterman had a top 10 list on the night of the collapse of the Soviet Union. The things that will now change. I made number one on the list. The Yacht of Smyrnaval, the Outer Work. And I thought it was kind of funny because I was playing Vegas at Lynex City. I was killing it. And one joke, what's a big deal, right? And six months later, none of my contracts were renewed.

40:22Kind of like SNL kind of a thing. It's just like one thing and it's just that you're done. And I couldn't find work for two. And I had two little kids at that point. And we were living in a house next to like Tom Hanks and Arnold Schwarzenegger. We were in the Pacific Palace. I'd say it's two and I have a million dollar home. I'm like going, this American dream rocks. It's never will end. This is it. And the mortgage didn't end. But the career did. And so all of a sudden, I can't pay my mortgage. And so just change the joke to Russian. Instead of so many, just say Russians, that is so be union. Nobody cares. Nobody, you know why, you know why. You have to stop talking shit. It I realized later on. And this was something that took me years to figure out that I was meeting the need

41:22that America had. America, the Soviet Union was a pain in the butt to America. I was like preparation age. I was like, uh, you know, so when they eat change, uh, yeah, yeah, there you go. Now we're connecting it. Yes, yes. You Russian America finally but mashed in. There was no more market. It tore down the wall. Everyone. There's one Germany much plus. It was great. So that sucks. But there when the itching and the swelling and it goes away, you don't need preparation age. So that's kind of what happened. I was like, put it aside and and literally couldn't find even going back to clubs were not, uh, nobody, it was like, you're who cares? Yeah. So a bit union is not their who cares. So there was also was that around when the comedy bubble itself first? Well, it wasn't like, it wasn't huge in the 80s and then like, 90s are kind of dipped or am I wrong about that?

42:23I think you you might be right. Timing might have been similar to that. And then I remember I was telling my agent, you know, what do I do? He goes, well, Willie Nelson is doing this concert in Ames, Iowa. And they won't pay anything, but he needs a co-host. Would you want to go to Ames, Iowa and I go, farmers would not know who I am. Why would I, you know, and it's but I had no choice. I've land and it was, you know, I, I did my set and they gave me a standing ovation. I was like, oh, this is pretty cool. So and then I want to say goodbye to Willie Nelson. This is where I opened the door at his tour bus and this smoke comes out and he and he goes through the smoke. He goes, Yaka, you did great. You should go to Branson. They'll love you there. And I go, what's Branson, you know, and so I went and in Branson,

43:29they didn't know the Soviet Union collapse. So I got 33 years out of that. I own two thousand seed theater and I entertain over six million people there. So it in some ways being canceled worked for me. So that's in the theater business. Well, I'm, I'm, I really, it's just my theater where I, when I got there, it was not easy. I rented it and I for show and thinking, well, I'll do well there. That's 17 people showed up. So it was started. Oh, my goodness. Two little kids. What am I going to do? They must, they must love you in Branson. Now the, well, it took a while, but they do, they do. And so it became, so I did 400 shows a year. I would just do show after show.

44:31And that was it. You performed it. You were thrown in place just you. Yeah. Damn. So you just first just were. And then it became because they liked more variety. So I added some dancers and sketches and things like that. But mostly it was me. That's awesome. Now I kind of, you know, I do only like 30 shows a year. And this is where I, for the first time really come back and kind of put my foot in the water go. They still know who I am. And then, you know, Killtony, you know, Tony says to me, sure, I'd love to have you as a celebrity judge. And all of a sudden it's like, I, and yes, that I was like, I felt like I was an ugly duckling walking into the swan lake. Honestly going, are they going to kill me? Or are they going to just accept me? And of course, well, of course, in your mind, your mind plays tricks.

45:31It's like, you go, I don't know. I'm sure when you went back, you know, in a certain that live, it was like, what's going to happen here? You know, yeah. So, hmm. Yeah. That's interesting. I still feel that way whenever I go to any, yeah, any other club. For sure. I'll go back to the cellar and be like, they hate me. They hate me now. I'll go anywhere. I go to the store. I'm like fucking L.A. And you hang out with them for 10 minutes. Yeah, I like going. Any club I go into, I'm like, I hate everyone here. Well, also luckily, there's somebody says, hi, and you go, hey, how are you? Thank you. I love your stuff. Yeah. Luckily, there's a plenty of political strife again with Russia. So what was that? There's a lot of political strife with Russia right now too. So, could be another harvest season. Yeah, yeah, I try. After, I feel like, after that whole thing happened in 90s, I feel like I developed like, I had like PTSD from going into a political direction. Yeah, right.

46:31So I started and I was going through divorce and I realized that this is a lot more job security talking about men and women cold war will never end. So I just, I doubled down on that. I got, I literally, while I was doing shows in, in brands and I got my master's degree in psychology at Japan because I wanted to research laughter. And here's what triggered it. It was like a realization that when the relationship started, everybody laughs. And then when it's over, the only people laughing are their attorneys. And you're like crying literally. So I was like, I start asking my audience, I go, let me ask you, how many of you, when you fell in love, remember laughter being part of that?

47:33And they all, yeah. And I go, how many of you would go on a second date if you didn't have laughter, silence? Oh, there's something here. All those guys are lying by the way. Yeah, she's hilarious. God, she's funny. And you fucker, you go, I don't get it. I don't get the what's the punchline? Well, but that was in brands. So it's different. What, I, so if you, you study what were you studying laughter like, first of all, what the fuck is laughter? How about that? The relief of psychic tension. Give them why they come out like that. I just remember hearing that somewhere. I had a feeling you'd know. It's perceived threat that gets. And you know, yeah, I was going after deeper, you know, like, there's a lot of understanding of laughter, a little bit of surprise, all of those things are correct.

48:33That was going for a route. My dad was an engineer and inventor. So my brain is like, what is it? What is it? I want to understand why there's laughter in the beginning of the relationship and why there isn't later on. And it's not just a relationship with your wife or it's the same with the children, the same with your coworkers, the same. So I was looking for what's it coming, the denominator? What is it? And so I did my dissertation and then I went to Pepperdine and got my doctor degree because I wanted to continue figuring this out. And the dissertation is online. You can 190 pages of no jokes, though. I mean, it's like serious research. And so the dissertation is called law of laughter, LOL. That's the only joke they allow me on the cover. That's it. And so what they boiled down to and it started and that's what explained to me my success

49:43in America, not just because I had, I was hard working, I had talent, all of that. But the main thing that got me on the level that I never imagined making movies and doing was that there was a need. America needed relief from that crazy tension, that subregion and cruise ship with the shoe, we will bury you, all of that. America lived in that. And here I show up and I'm like, we're afraid of this. And that's what got me together. Tonight show this, all of those things. And then I realized, so the need, so I was meeting the need. And that's what happens in the beginning of the relationship. You you do everything to meet her needs. She's doing everything to meet your need, whatever the needs are.

50:44And and then the humor triggers the laughter. That's it. So if the need is not met, you're screwed. And then and of the relationship. Normally you're saying, I'm not meeting her need. I'm done. Or vice versa. Yeah. Because I've noticed me and Lamar have stopped sharing your goals. Dr. Smyrnauf, could you do Dr. Smyrnauf? Can you please diagnose these two? I feel like their love is fizzled out. Their love is fizzled. My my love with Lamar is fizzled. It's not as funny. At first I go, oh, Lamar, he just wiped catch up on the chair after eating a chicken finger during the broadcast. Now I go, what the fuck was that? Oh, you left the dishes. I'm having people for dinner who cares. Now I go, what the fuck are you doing? Stop jacking off in the office. Well, what about the relationship of like years where like maybe the laughter has died, but then the wife falls on the floor and you go, because that never gets old. Then the need was met.

51:45True. Yeah, she just, yeah, you could marry a clumsy bitch. Yeah. I'm gonna laugh for the rest of your life. Till she takes a header off the fucking porch and you get, you get blamed. That's cool. You went back to school for psychology. So what do you do with that? You just kind of, you just sit on the doctorate or? Well, at first I kind of, I'm a post-possessor. Similar path. True. Yeah, I'm a master. I'm a master in social work. Okay, so at first I thought I'll, I'll go into that relationship arena, do TED talks. Maybe I did a PBS special called Happily Ever Laughter. But then I realized, I'm splitting myself that, you know, I believe that comedy is really what I want to do. But I was doing it to fit, to meet the need. And then I realized that most people don't want to change. They're whatever their pattern is in relationship. You can spend all your life trying to help them, but they don't.

52:48So I use that in my show. I use a lot of material, man, women differences, my, my wife telling stories about my wife, me, and that's basically incorporated what I learned into my standup. Nice. So that was a Drexel, by the way. I want the Drexel right next to Penn. We used to live, did you go to Penn? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we lived right there. We lived in University City in Philadelphia. It's beautiful campus. I loved it. It was, yeah, yeah, yeah. Drexel's ugly. Drexel's, it was literally voted, I want the Drexel right next to Penn. It was voted one of the ugliest campuses in America. You should see Harris for gay community college. I went from like very nice schools at first, and then literally the Harris for gay community college and Westchester, both of them look like Soviet, the architecture is Soviet block. Like that's why that's why I liked it. That's why he felt it all right.

53:50That felt right at home. Oh, there's only three windows. Yeah, Westchester building. Yeah, they got some rough. You know, it's fucking pretty great. AT&T building. The least they have like grass, Drexel's no grass. It's just concrete and it was run by Greeks for a while. So they got this idea to put like giant, almost an amphitheater thing in the middle of like a pavor. Oh yeah, horrible. Yeah, Drexel was Greek run for a long time. Hack was right next to the farm show complex and a bunch of fucking train tracks. It was like, it was tough, dude. I feel like it was always cloudy when I was there. That was a dark period. Yeah, that's a tough one. Although you definitely probably felt like Boy Genius at the HAC. Yeah, that's all, it's really not. Community college, you can go there. Yeah, college, you can go there. Wait a second, I am smart. Smart as hell. Yeah, that's a good feeling. So I'm curious about your coming back to SNL. The set, you were pretty, I mean, you were pretty set on that set, right? Yeah, I mean, it was, you weren't winging it there. No.

54:51It was because solid, it was great. Thank you. Yeah. No, I mean, I was winging a little at the beginning, just being like, I was like, how do I address getting fired? And I thought about it for a while of like what to say. And I was like, should I fucking tell him to let you? Yeah. That was like, why would I ever do that? Double birds to the crowd. Double birds to the Rogan. But I love that you had your family there. Yeah, yeah. That was a great setup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, oh man, he thought it through. No, that was last second. No, but really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, I knew they were coming, but I was like, can we, because I didn't even think to ask if I could get them on camera. And then when we were doing our hair swells, I was like, could we get a camera? Like, because I was like, where are they going to be sitting and they showed me? And I was like, could we put a camera on? Oh, yeah. Perfect. And I didn't tell them that they were going to be on camera. That's so funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was nice. That was a nice moment. Mom and dad held hands. That's really sweet.

55:51I was like, God, damn. This is like the sweetest moment of my life. Yeah, their needs were being mad. The kids are not a loser. Yeah. Look at that. We didn't waste time. Because it was good 30 years before that, where they were like, oh, God, damn, this is good sucks. It's got to be so nice to be like, holy fuck. But then I'm up there like, my dad's fucking gay. Get a camera on him. We'll see. Still, it's really nice. Yeah. It's so fucking funny. Very bad. Yeah, my dad's TV just like, yeah, okay. That's great. That's great. He's proud. But then at the, yeah, I remember at the after party, he was sitting at a table. It was just him, Lauren Michaels and Mike Myers. Yeah, that's awesome. And the booth just drinking Phil was holding court. But I can't. This is good. Yeah. Yeah, you can imagine what my parents thought when I wanted to do stand up in Soviet Union.

56:53You can imagine that. We're probably like, don't tell anyone. In saying, you are, are you crazy, totally crazy? But here we are. Here we are. Yeah. I mean, yeah, how did they feel? They probably said no, right? Oh, are you kidding? No for years. Yeah. I started when I was 15 in the community, it was community college or a trade school. I was, they kind of forced me to go to become a refrigeration mechanic because comedy, are you kidding? So, and I was doing amateur comedy there. And then I went to military and two years. And I was kind of doing amateur stuff there. And then I came back and I'm going, I

57:54want to do a kind of, they said, no, no, you got it. So I got my bachelor's in art. That's another thing that I do. So they said, at least this is not so comedy. Because again, going through the, they knew how difficult it would be to pass those communist party people and all that. And so in college, I was just doing it again as an amateur. But and then later on. They really do it as an amateur though. Where would you do it? In the club, like in school, there would be a club and there would be every like Mayday or a revolution day that would do some kind of a concert. And I still working on that calendar that was like completely cut off from the regular calendar. Well, regular like, what do you mean? Didn't they split the calendar? Didn't they take all the religious stuff out of the calendar? And I think that was France actually. Well, they changed like you mean Christmas like into new

58:55years, right? Yeah, they did. They saved the tree. But it was New Year's not Christmas. God, it was Santa Claus. It was Santa Claus. It was Father Frost. Father Frost? Yeah. And that's how and you know, and yeah, it's not like you stopped the tree. Yeah, Christmas trees too cool. Christmas tree rules. But they didn't, you know, we didn't even know that they took to Christ out of Christmas. They took the Christ out of Christmas. There you go. Absolutely. There was no. The next person was totally not allowed. You could not even say the word God in school. You would be expelled. You're so at those days. Yeah. God, I didn't try. I didn't try. So that was my reality. And so we doing this comedy thing. And then I get an offer to go on the cruise ship to do like stand or master of ceremonies,

59:57like a assistant cruise director. Do you like the Black Sea or what? The Black Sea. Yeah. So I was. And so they liked me and this is a cool thing that happened there. So I go there and they don't, they say, well, won't pay you, but you get your cabin. You get a cabin too. That's pretty universal. Yeah. They did that here to everybody. So now, well, and I was like, yeah, I'll be, I'll have my own room for like a week. Holy cow. That was amazing. And the bathroom for myself. Odessa is right there. Right. Right. What's it called? The peninsula. The, well, it's, it's near Khrime. Yeah. So, yeah. It, but it's a little bit more sour. So, but that's where the cruise ships go out of and they go around submarines. I don't know why. Submarine, things, things I know about Odessa. No, that's not a stupid goal.

1:00:58That's right. That's the Khrime. Yeah. They're great. It's a little bit farther south from, from that. So I thought you'd say the cruise ship was a submarine. No, but that's what it was. So, so this is. So this is. Yes. There you go. And do comedy there. You're the master of ceremonies. You're the MC of the. So I was MC-ing. And this is and how, because I didn't speak English or any other language, they had a lot of tourists from different countries. So you would have Czechoslovakia, you would have Polish, you would have Germans, Americans, Australians, whatever. And my job was to do like a games with them, you know, do some kind of miscruise or, you know, competition. And like, yeah, yeah, oh boy, I was 24 years old. And they let me, they let me into anyone can enter into the running for miscruise? Yeah.

1:01:59Yeah. It was pretty much up to me. And they gave me an interpreter. So I could talk to them for the first time to those. Oh boy. I have, yeah, it was really adventurous and fun. That's awesome. And Russian women are a lot more conservative. And, you know, they're not like, they weren't like the hottest women in this room and down there. Trump would disagree. Who would disagree? Donald Trump. He loves Russian women. He likes those. Well, now, yeah, yeah, but those days, oh, big, burly, they were, they were all, no, they were nice. They were nice, beautiful women, sturdy, but they were standing behind those big, burly women. So you never saw them. Right. But, but, uh, here, all of a sudden, I have, uh, women who are from the Western culture and they are like, they know things about sex and that we never even heard of, you know,

1:03:03even though it's universal, but boy, you were so far ahead or they were so far ahead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Titty fucking. Yeah. Titty fucking. I was learning, I had to learn all of this really. So all of a sudden, I mean, this environment and I'm getting to know, uh, tell them about the fucking. Tell them this, oh, this doesn't happen too much. What should I do with it? Tell me where, tell her. So so that was exciting to be there. All this I was allowed something that I totally could imagine. And, um, and so then the cruise comes to the end and, um, I, I, they said, would you like to go again? I said, well, would it be possible to get my parents a cabin as well because they never

1:04:05been on the cruise and stuff? And the, the Communist Party, you know, boss who controls that whole company or the whole Black Sea cruise line. And there's only one cruise line. Yeah. Um, he says, who do you think you are that you're going to request something? We have hundreds of people like you get out of here. And so I was like, oh, shoot, well, I tried, but didn't work out. So I go home and I tell my parents that it's not going to happen. I'm, you know, and it's like in the morning, we have no phone and all of a sudden this messenger comes an hour later and he has two sets of tickets for me and my parents turns out there were not any other. Uh, there's no one else. No, no, no, no. There was a more kind of an interesting twist because so what happened, as well, we obviously got excited. We go and I said to a cruise director, I said, what happened?

1:05:06Uh, I never heard of them going back in their word because once they say it, it's over. And they said, oh, well, you see, these ships are rented by a European cruise companies during like nine months out of the year. And we go, the captain and the crew goes to those, to those places, could be Britain, could be whatever, whatever they need it. And she said, we learned that if somebody is essential, then they should get more than an average person. And the captain, he said, like to you, and he said, even if you need to give him my cabin, I want him on the ship. And I went like, wait, wait, are you just told me that if you are more talented, you will get more stuff and they go.

1:06:07Dangerous idea. Yeah. And I was like, I mean, we're on some mom, dad, we got started. We got started being talented. What the fuck? So how did you know the captain? What was your, that's had the captain's blessings and honor, especially on the craft. Captain would just come to watch the shows. That's awesome. That's it. And I didn't speak those languages. So my mom was very conservative. She was watching the show and be like, no, shit. I got to be driving this thing. I hear an alarm go off and go, oh, shit. That's got so fucking funny. So my mom watched me perform in front of like people who didn't speak my, I didn't speak their language because she always thought that I wasn't very smart and I couldn't do well. I didn't do well in school. So it was like, how is he going to go to another country and learn the language?

1:07:07And he's so dumb that he thinks that he can do comedy in that language. All of that stuff was in the back of her mind. And here she's watching me do it and watching those people laughing. And they don't understand even what I'm saying, but I guess my timing and facial expressions and then whatever their interpreters tell them, whatever it is, it worked. And then at that point, she said, you know, you, you may have an international comedy career. I was like, wow, really mom. And that's when we started. Oh, that's awesome. Then my mom told me we become a teacher. I was like, yeah. I had a club owner. I had a club owner. I had a club owner. I bombed so bad. He sat me down. He was like, what do you go school for? And I was like, history teacher. And he was like, you should do that. I was like, damn. So that's a few of them. Yeah, really? That's what fueled the escape, basically. That's when you got to give us a chance.

1:08:08And Jimmy Carter was at that time wanted to get some Russians were starving. There was no food. And they needed some wheat. And so they made a deal. So if you show human rights in, in Soviet Union, then you can, and let some people out, we will give you some wheat. So we were basically exchanged for some grain. You know, I salute every time I see a wonder bread truck. You never know. Yeah. So one hot commodity for another. Ah, one hot commodity for another. He's saying you and the wheat. Oh, yeah. Hot commodities. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm very grateful for that. That's awesome. And that's what allowed you guys to just that. That's what allowed. Well, it took still they didn't want people to leave.

1:09:11Even though they, so they would put a lot of challenges in front of you. One of them was that if young person applies to leave, they have to take their parents with them. But older people would not take that chance. And my dad wanted to get out of there years before my mom ever imagined that. My dad knew it. He was like, he was telling my, I remember I was like maybe like seven and we're in this little apartment right in one room. And I wake up in the middle of the night and I hear my dad. So listening to this huge radios and he's sitting there with his ear to radio. And I go, Dad, what are you listening to? And he goes, don't let neighbors hear us. This is voice of America.

1:10:13And they would jam the signal during the day. But at nighttime they didn't think anybody was listening. So they didn't jam it. And so he would get up and he was like, so now I'm listening to it with him. And so, and you know, it's like the voice, give me your tired, your hungry and your poor. And I'm like going, I'm qualified. And so that's how what about, what about, how did you guys feel about JFK? We was used obviously as propaganda immediately as look what they do in America. They killed their president. You know, so they they used everything as propaganda. They used the Charlie Chaplin movies. We watched that's the only American we saw. And so there was always that villain and this poor guy who's getting beat up by the police

1:11:13and that's America, you know. So they was your dad in the military during the Second World War. Yes. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. That's why did he see like was he in battle? He I think he was smarter than that. Yeah. I think he he was in the chemical warfare. So it was smart enough because they never it never you guys kind of stupid because you don't know which way the wind is going to go. So so if you if you brought a world war one, they found that out. Yeah. Yeah. So he went into and he got into that. So he was in charge of like having all this gas masks and all of that. So he didn't get hurt. And yeah. So damn. That's wild.

1:12:14Well, that'd be two. I think we're we did it. Yeah. I don't know any final thoughts. Is it? Oh, we did. This is not. I thought I wouldn't start rolling. That was great. Any final thoughts. Thank you for having me. Thank you. And I you know, I don't know. Do I can I plug stuff? Oh, absolutely. Okay. So I'm going on tour. Awesome. I'm on tour. I'm starting September 6 in Oklahoma City at the breakdown. Comedy Club. And then after that, you can go on yawkof.com and all my dates are there. I hope it's the first time I'm kind of getting out of Branson bubble. So I'm hoping that people will come. I think people will come. I hope so. We'll plug the thing too. Yeah. Yeah. You'll be able to click your website. Oh, yeah. Very cool. So thanks for having me and thank you.

1:13:15Yeah. Thank you. That was awesome. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it.