Ep1180 - Dating 101 | Ask Nick

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1:03Plan required 15 bucks month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes May slow when network is busy includes up to 20 gigabyte hotspot Capable devices required availability speed and coverage varies see Mitt mobile comm for more details Most women have been there something feels off you don't feel like yourself yet your doctor says everything Looks fine spoiler. It's your hormones. Midi is a virtual care platform built for women by women and offers specialized Hormone care from trained clinicians Plus it's covered by most major insurances getting started is easy you can book your first visit with a clinician right away It's not you it's your hormones visit join midi dot com to book your first visit that's join M.I.D.I dot com insurance coverage varies check with your plan for coverage It started about three years ago, but it's just really awkward. Are they friends? Are they not friends? Does there an am Amosity between them. Yes. Yes, so friend a sister passed away four years ago Friend B is now dating friend a's dead sisters widowed husband

2:18How's it going good? How are you good? What's your name? Meredith How old are you, Meredith 40 how can I help? So one of my best friends is living her hallmark love story while the other is living a devastating family loss How do I keep them both in my life without feel like I'm choosing one over the other? Why do you have to choose? I don't have to and I don't feel like I do But I didn't know the right question to ask because I feel like I had set really good boundaries with them It's more about like like say my birthday wanting to do something I want to invite all my friends and I do it started about three years ago and Like I'll invite them to my party sure sometimes one chooses to come and the other doesn't or they both come But it's just really awkward when they're both there. Okay. Are they friends? Are they not friends? Are there any animosity between them?

3:19Yes. Yes. So there's one friend Let's say her name is Chloe She has been like my number one best friend like since we were born our parents grew up together grew up on the same neighborhood Have been friends forever the other one. Let's say her name is friend B Friend B and friend B became our friend in high school. Okay Um, and we all became pretty inseparable Chloe a friend a sister passed away four years ago tragically to cancer and friend B Is now dating friend a's dead sister's ex no my ex has been but widowed husband Hmm Okay So we're all best friends at first like we knew friend a really struggled With the passing of her sister of course it was pretty fast seven she still hasn't really

4:20She struggles with it a lot the grief which yeah, there's no right way to grief Right way, but I imagine her sister's widow dating her friend is a choice answer sure Yes, and so when they first started talking well, it was a choice of friend B. I'm good. I met friend B and Wouldowed husband started talking they met at a cheerleading practice and um Friend B didn't know anyone there because it was from an outside town and Their town didn't have a cheer game. It's a really convoluted. So friend B didn't know Friend a's sister at all so by the time we became friends in high school friend a's sister had moved off into college Like wasn't around at all when we became friends with friend B Sure, but regardless it's you guys the three of you were friends close friends, yeah

5:20Yes, and while she maybe never met Friend a sister who passed correct. Yeah. Yeah She certainly was aware her friend lost her sister correct Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah At what point did friend B realize that she was Hanging out with the widow or well, she knew it was the widow she just asked she's like hey She introduced herself as friend B's best friend and was like hey, can we be buddies? I don't know anybody You know because they can't go into practice together So they're all just kind of hanging out in the lobby area while they're their girls when you were kind of explaining the story It almost sounded like you're trying to justify friend friend's bees choices like well. She didn't really know This sister who passed type of thing Right. Yeah, but like Does that really matter? No, I mean at the end of the day I'm not saying friend B's wrong for for dating this person and yeah, I don't think either of them are wrong Personally, I get both sides

6:21Sure, but then I guess when you start justifying things and it kind of like it sounds like a guilt in a way if I may you know Yeah, yeah, it's like you know, they're like I didn't know and I didn't realize or you know like I didn't really know her And like it all sounds like a Like something wrong happened. Yeah, and it's lacking the appropriate empathy It's you know certainly Friend A who sisters passed sounds like maybe she hasn't fully processed this loss and we did So when they first started talking friend B was like told the widow. Hey Like you should probably ask if this is okay like we know that this is kind of weird territory You know, so he did and she said yeah, sure Talk to her. This was about a year and a half after your sister passed you kind of got her blessing at the time Yeah, yeah, and then what things kind of it took off and they really kind of fell for each other and then then began and then it got weird Yes, yes, so she knew but she knew that they were talking

7:22She knew that they hung out and about a month later We had our typical girls night. We're we're just hanging out and You know, we talked about it face to face and we're like I'm crying friend B's crying because we know Like this is just kind of something that happened and didn't expect to happen We know how much from a hurts and so we're like are you really okay with this like I've she's like I really enjoy talking to him and she's like yes, I want you to be happy and I want him to be happy She has since About a year into their relationship has since once you realized how serious it was getting even though they've been very slow in their relationship She slowly has changed her mind Okay Yeah, so what and that's where that more of the awkwardness comes and it wasn't awkward at first it was So what are you hoping I can help you with just kind of let go of like what what am I holding on to like I What are you holding on to what do you mean what do you what are you holding on to but why why am I letting it affect me so much

8:29Why assume you care about both these women you know they're both hurting you don't really have a clear answer in terms of like No one's like you said doing anything wrong at you know Yeah, everything you're saying makes sense, you know, it sounds like friend B acknowledged the sensitivity of this situation Not the first time You know a person passed and a friend group and you know, it's like hard to meet people and and sounds like there is like in a you know Like an organic meat cute, I guess I don't know and we'll also describe it Right in friend A things that was set up And it wasn't Set it by who friend B She at first she wasn't like saying thinking like that But now she has like more negative thoughts towards it and but it sounds like you're opinion about the situation is You don't think friend B did anything nefarious or shady or wrong You empathize with your friend A

9:29And you and you feel like you're stuck in the middle of it Yeah, and I just want to be able to have the normal things like okay saying we like to go to like craft fairs and markets and things Invite them and then it like Not be so awkward like I want them and I know I can't do this But I just want them to talk and be like okay Like Well, I think right now it's never gonna be the same. Yeah, but right now I find it in normal. Yeah It sounds I mean this that I can't I don't I can't help friend A or friend B right And you're calling in is it to your problem and I understand that you feel like you're stuck in the middle of it But I wonder if the solution isn't to center your feelings on the situation. I mean, it's not ideal I get it, but like right now it's like if I'm understanding you You're trying to figure out how to continue to keep the friend group Civil so that you can hang out with both these women But you know because it used to be the three of you and you enjoyed those times

10:29You're not able to do that anymore and you're still trying to figure out how to get that done. Is that my my accurate? Yeah, and then we do hang out, but with it not being so Me feeling like you know like I'm having two separate conversations because they don't talk Yeah, yeah, but I guess right now I think you've got to let that go is my point like right now You're focused on how this is affecting you. I understand it's affecting you it sucks But you are the third wheel in this story right like obviously friend B is Sounds like she has genuine feelings for this person and probably feels like she's being accused of something she didn't do And she's being presented by friend A seemingly like the only solution is to end that relationship Out of respect for her sister who passed which doesn't seem practical to friend B because she's like I didn't do anything wrong And like I'm so sorry this happened your sister, but like and again, it's not really you know Her ex-husband now is he has the right to move on with his life

11:31And if he's found comfort in this person again, I understand the weirdness of it But like and it sounds like friend A just really needs to process this you know, and it can be very difficult and All you can do is encourage your friend A to Is friend A mad at you for supporting friend B? She doesn't show it to me. It's okay. Well there. There you go So like that's good But right now I think your primary concern you need to let go this like of this desire to get the band back together and to make things how they used to be that's Not gonna happen anytime soon. Maybe never I don't expect it to yeah, I don't and that's why I've had that conversation with friend A. I'm like it's never going to be The same. I'm not asking it to be I just want to move forward Well, that's what I'm saying. I think you need to stop talking to friend A about what you want. I mean this with love what you want is

12:33Um the least important thing in this equation You right now I want you to focus on wanting friend A to get whatever help she needs Yeah, I've signed her up for counseling. I told her I know but I think the goal needs not to be because it's sound the way you talk It sounds like the goal is to like Again get your friend group right together and that makes you sad that you don't have your friend group And that creates complication in your life because you feel awkward like when you do invite these two women You feel awkward Right it feels different. You know, you don't like the vibes And that is everyone around ever sure that's completely understandable But nevertheless there's no solution to your problem Right and and quite frankly I Great frankly. I don't think like friend A is going to empathize with your uncomfortability of this situation Right no, and I guess gosh, I hope I don't coming I'm not coming off that way. So that's a good perspective

13:36Well, I mean, I again, I'm I've I've just talked to you and I understand this is why you're calling in because it does bother you and night I get that but if you are communicating To them the way your community me it does come off that way that you care that your your big frustration with this whole situation Is your problems which and again like I understand why you have a problem with this situation But it's not going to land with friend A for sure And as far as friend B I'm sure it might land a little bit better because I'm sure she doesn't like These accusations from friend A Yeah But again, I don't think her biggest concern is the friend group either I think she's more concerned about not being painted as some sort of home wrecker or some You know shady person Right. Yeah, no her image for sure. Yeah, and so if you people that know the situation know it's not true You know, they Yeah, but I guess what I'm saying is when you tell the story you you talk about how it's affecting you the most and I understand that it is affecting you

14:39But I don't know if centering That is the solution to your problem I think you have to try to for the time being separate the friendship I would stop going out of your way to try to find ways to invite them both the same thing if that's not what they want because that's what you want It's not what they want Yeah, no and I don't do it very often Why do you do it at all at this point Well like my birthday for example, okay Well listen, I mean at this point all you can do is just be honest you can say hey listen I'm having a birthday party. I love you both to be there. I hope you come and then it's like sometimes she comes and sometimes she doesn't okay Great right and then when that happens you have to at that point I guess with I guess my advice for you is to like not make you have to accept that this is a situation And for the sake of your birthday party you can't go and expect friend A to be like I need you to go I need to be cool and not ruin my birthday party so to speak Yeah, you know, I can't they don't really ruin it They're fine. They're cordial. They're just it's that you can be a better you you let it bother you let it bother

15:42So again like if your goal it you know, you know, I'm saying you you have to stop you just have to Accept this situation. I know it's tough Yeah, but it bothers you the most when it you you're trying to enjoy both their company at the same time correct Right, yeah, and I think you need to stop trying to have that expectation for the time being Because that's when it sounds like you're you're centering your feelings on the situation more than either of theirs It's hard it yeah, I'm very good with boundaries like They and I've set them and they know Um what that you know, I don't want to be in the middle So don't but don't be in the middle, you know like you have you you have to not you you are putting yourself in the middle Right, and I understand that you are organically I guess in the middle But right now you have to accept that and right now in terms of and you have to maintain these friendships separately It sounds like There is some civility here where like it's not like friend A has demanded you stopping friends with friend B right that that hasn't happened

16:49Okay, no, no Right, and so it sounds like they have accepted that you are friends with both and it's not a big deal What they haven't accepted is specifically friend A she hasn't accepted To not feel a certain way about friend B doing what she's doing which is totally understandable If you want to invite them both you have to invite them both knowing That friend A is going to feel a certain way and be a certain way and act a certain way and You inviting friend B and friend A and then Knowing what's probably to go down then it goes down and then you choose to like be upset about the thing Which is again is understandable, but that's when you are you're making it about you Yeah, and again, I'm not saying you know, I'm a right to be sad or feel about this But I don't that's not solving the problem right now. I think you need to I don't think the problem will be solved maybe not But in the meantime you need to pour your love you need to focus on these friendships individually Because right now it sounds like you're still focused on on on saving the the group dynamic

17:51Yeah, I mean I I can see where you know that comes off for sure Then I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong and it totally makes sense why why you why you're Doing this but it's like I think just focus on your relationship with friend A try to be there for her Certainly encourage her if there's a lane there for her to try to process this loss But it can't it can't come across as you have alternative motives Which is I just want to get the band back together What you want is friend B friend A to just be able to move on with her life and you know And and be able to memorialize her sister in a way that doesn't stop her from living her life Right And then you can still be friends with friend B and and And support her in her relationship, you know But like this stop trying to bring them together if it is a situation like your birthday and you're just like listen I just want my friends to be there And you give them a head up heads up and they choose to be there Then you have to accept that there still might be an awkward vibe and and you can't really get you

18:56You're choosing to get upset about that right now Right and it's I get it's on a Understanding but like you said this is being going on for a while now and you just have to kind of accept the new normal And maybe things will change but right now you're trying to force it. It sounds like And then and that wound But you force it and then it just like you're just like yeah, I just missed the old days and I can't believe it's like this And why does it have to be this way and it's all centered around your Discomfort with the new reality and it's less about your friend's discomfort It's about the reality like you're doing beyond us. You're kind of annoyed Which I get like it's frustrating for you. You're like why does this is Yeah, no definitely annoying because that's like really like we just need to I just am ready to move on and find our new normal like But yeah, but that's what I'm saying you are Yeah, you're ready I get why you're ready But your friend friend a is this not ready Maybe she should be ready. I mean, maybe she's not helping herself out to be right you know, but like

19:59You just have to accept that and she's gonna have to go at her pace and if you want to Be a friend to friend a you're gonna have to be more accepting of her pace and not your pace That's a very slow pace But I'll be there like you said this is the reality and You don't have to be friends with her But if you want to you're gonna have to try it like you're gonna try to have to meet your friend where she's at right now You're trying to get her to meet her you or you're at which is like this I don't like that this how happened. Yeah, I mean, but you have to process the loss of the group But your friend has to process the loss of her sister and then process What feels like abandonment from her ex brother-in-law and the weirdness of her dating her friend Which probably whether it's is or it is not has some level of feelings like a betrayal and she's processing that Which is probably why she's you know again, it sounds like she knows that it's not but like it just feels a certain way Yeah, but meanwhile you're just really annoyed that the vibes off. I guess. Yeah, I mean

21:01I don't know if I would use annoyed but frustrated. I mean man, it's all the above I'm sure there are moments of annoyance sadness Just I got it. It sucks. It sucks But my point is it it sucks for you and that's the thing that makes you the most sad because you wish it was different And I think right now you yeah, but that's from your perspective right now It doesn't sound like friend A is remotely sad about the friend group. Yeah, I don't know. I'd be willing to I'd like to ask her I just don't think that the group is her primary concern right now No, it's not it's your concern Yes, that's the point. I think you need to try it for to let go right now You you still have both these women in your life. Yes, you're still friends with them Yes, that's what you need to embrace And maybe it will change but it's going to change on their time night not yours And in the meantime You're just going to have to accept this new normal And then when when certain situations that are sewn around you like your birthday

22:04You're just going to have to make some choices and and it sounds like maybe that choice is to invite them both Right, and I do great But when that happens you can't do the thing where it's just like then you you make that you make the choice to invite them both And then you make the entire Party or event about you Hoping or wishing or worrying about how those two women interact with each other Yeah, I don't I don't do that But it's the aftermath like people coming to me being like oh my gosh Did you feel the tension like they didn't even talk they you know well? I mean you're used to that So again, you just have to get used to that and again you can you know don't indulge in the drama don't And draw all the calls in the gossip and and if that happens But yeah, it's a tough situation if there's no you know, I I'm sad for the situation Obviously, I love them both and like just don't lean in the gossip. You know, be like yeah, I know that was really weird It's like you know, it's going to be weird Right. No, I do. Yeah, I just like I just Want them to be happy. Yeah, no, I told you that day isn't happy. Yeah, and I just want her to be

23:08Well focus on that and focus on being there for her Yeah, and I am and I she and I know she appreciates it like I know she It's just I want her to be happy. I can't make her happy though You can't but you still can be there for her. Yes, and I am but the more you the more you Make her feel bad for being uncomfortable with the situation She is the right to be uncomfortable with whether you intend to make her feel bad or not It's not helping the situation and that's what I mean like the whether again you have ever read to feel how you feel That's not the point the point is a little more than I think you should be for the sake of the big picture You're you're just kind of centering How this is making you feel over how it's making them feel Okay, I mean, I know that's not I'm not I'm not really probably no I just I don't yeah It's hard like I feel like I'm like over empathizing for a friend a I just want her to be happy I want to I don't think you're over empathizing. I mean like how can you over empathize in this situation?

24:10I just like take on her energy and I'm just so sad for her. Yeah, that makes sense. I mean you're a good friend You know just you got to let go of the group. I sort of Right, well, I have to let go of who she was you know, it's not necessarily even the group It's let go of who friend a was for now for now, but you know, she'll never be the same, but yeah, I don't know You don't you don't know that In the meantime, you just got to be there for Yeah, which I am I am like I said, I just want her to be happy And there's so much more there's like so my friend a widow's mom friend a's Mom and dad widow and friend a's grandmother all live in a cul-de-sac That's where it's like more daily Because obviously friend b goes over and she spends the night and she So it's like in her face more Because like when she's doing dishes out the kitchen she sees friend b

25:12Drive in like man. It's couldn't be more entwined. Yeah, there's nothing to do with me But no, I know it's yeah, but yeah, and that much you can do about that That's another stressor, but it's not my stress let it go. Yeah, there's gonna be there's a lot more drama But it's not mine You gotta try to I mean as much as you can just try to get your friend not to Encourage her to try to move forward. I've tried everything. I'd feel Time but it's been not saying for her to be completely moved on but like Something yeah, something to help her move on. Well in the meantime just be a friend Yeah, and and try not to make it something yet you need you like you're not gonna solve this problem No, no, but what you can do is still be a friend And that friend will evolve that friendship can evolve and change but like you know And that's I think this is what you got to focus on Yes, I appreciate it. All right. Sorry. I wasn't more helpful. Sorry for getting emotional

26:13No, no, it's it sounds like a very you know, it's your whole life and it's you know Into your people and it sucks when your people are you know, I'm not getting along Right, and like it's just I just want her to be happy. I wish I could help her move on Move forward and I move on you know like she's just Is she getting therapy? Is she getting help? She will do anything It's too bad. You know, I tried like I said I've literally signed up for her I will go with her like she just isn't ready. Well, just all you can do is keep encouraging her. Yeah. Well, thank you Well, thanks for calling in sorry. I wasn't wearing a full no, oh, it's just good to hear like I said This has been going on for three years and I'm like I listen to the asthmic obviously and I'm like I'm just gonna write in and if I get picked it's meant to be All right, well, I appreciate the call Thank you all right take care I'm not getting a ton of time to like get ready in the mornings for literally anything

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29:19You got to check out tonal so many options with tonal. It's truly incredible right now Tonal is offering our listeners two hundred dollars off your tonal purchase with promo code V I L that is tonal.com and use promo code V I a L for two hundred dollars off your purchase that's tonal.com promo code V I a L for two hundred dollars off How's it going? Not bad in yourself I'm good. What's your name? My name is Claire and I'm 37 talking about Claire I am trying to navigate my 25 year friendship into a relationship I've been struggling with his and my dynamic for The better part of two years now because We get overwhelmed when we are trying to be romantic with one another because of our dynamic in our Past so I'm I'm just trying to figure out what we're able to do with so you've been friends with this man for a lifetime Yeah

30:21So we started Becoming friends when we he was 11 and I was 13 When I was trying to figure out what was going on with him and his mental health I blurted out that I loved him and I don't know how to navigate our friendship moving forward if I I'm at the point where I don't know if I should go back to being friends with him or stay romantic with him or not So you guys are currently romantic? It's currently romantic right now. Yeah. Okay, and what do you what's the problem with your dynamic? What's what's what's the issue? Because I'm pretty sure that him and I are both neurodivergent To a certain degree I found out that I am possibly autistic and my dad and my niece are both autistic and I also have um An uncle and I didn't know that I was that I was autistic until recently

31:21We have you being diagnosed by doctor? No, not yet I because I found all of that out at the same time as um our dynamic kind of change um A lot of it comes to do with our dynamic with our friends and my mom and whatnot they've They've gotten really involved in our friendship and they basically say that he's only out to just have sex with me, but we can't do any of that If our life depended on it, so What do you mean? We just we struggle we're struggling with being romantic with one another even though we want to be with one another Is really what it comes down to he gets really overwhelmed when I get upset about anything and then I get overwhelmed when When our dynamic has to stop for a bit so that we can stop being overwhelmed and

32:23Like I said, I'm at the point where I don't know if I should Stop the dynamic completely because our friendship was easier to have or maintain moving forward with it and just give myself a lot more grace Okay, I guess I'm still a little confused by what this dynamic is so you you said you couldn't be Intimate if your life depended on it That I understood that correctly. Yes We're having a hard time with it. Yeah, okay. Just a lot of nerves. Yeah, so you guys are have some anxiety around Physical intimacy which Yes, probably more commonly you realize Yeah, you said so you also think he's neurodivergent or autistic. Yeah, and it was he died is he diagnosed? I I can't really claim it, but I I tend to connect better with you and neurodivergent people and it's been a pattern in my life But I usually only hang out with them

33:25And how do you know that they're neurodivergent are they diagnosed? Yes, most of them. Yeah, okay. I can't really I can't really go based on who he is It's just how how he acts with me and how does he act with you? There's always been an underlying Romantic connection that we were not able to Figure out for a long time and he said the same thing himself. So I don't know I I was dating his best friend and his friend attempted to hook up with me and I got really uncomfortable and I told him that I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with and I Don't think that this is the right thing to do and Just before his friend had passed away in a car accident He had told his friend that I was dating that He did love me, but I didn't find out that information because his friend had passed away. So um, that's another

34:30Huge hurdle that him and I have been navigating as well Which is that he Told someone that he loved you? Yeah Well somebody that was close to him, but he passed away the Thing that I've been struggling with I think the most is that I worry that he thinks that something happened More so with him and nothing ever ended up happening. Did you have a conversation? I mean, I guess what conversations? Do you have with this person about your relationship? So he's he's openly said that he does Does want to be with me? Both him and I are navigating He's got kids. I don't have kids He's trying to figure out what's going on with his children before we end up getting together What what is he trying to figure out? He's still currently living with his partner because of financial reasons Okay, that's complicated for sure. Yeah It's

35:31complicated That doesn't stop you guys from like getting coffee or ice cream and and You know, it might stop you guys it certainly is complicated It might be something you have to navigate around, but it doesn't necessarily have to stop you guys from being together Do you have any Reservations about his relationships that is with his ex partner? I do sometimes yeah That's part of the reason why I don't know if I should end it because I don't want to ruin a really good friendship That I've had for 25 years. Yeah, well, I mean like sometimes you know sometimes relationships past the point of no return I mean, yeah, it doesn't sound like you guys have a ton of like healthy communication um It would require a lot of communication to Take a relationship backwards You know, short of you guys both being like yeah, we listen we tried romantically It didn't work out we both accept that No hard feelings, but we do value each other's friendships. Let's do that. I mean, it's possible

36:35But you both have to want to do it. Yeah, I'm still a little confused by the the neurodivertency aspect of the story um It's mainly because I just found out I just found out like within the last few months What did you find out again remind me my mom told me that I was neurodivergent your mom's not a doctor No But she she thinks that I am autistic to a certain degree if it's something you're really concerned about You should see a doctor, you know, I want to be careful with how I say things because you know, listen like Maybe you are I don't know I think again. That's something a doctor needs a diagnose and and it sounds like the way You're talking to me is like this moms diagnosis has really thrown you for a loop like it's it's like hit you like a ton of bricks It has But I'm I'm just but again she's not a doctor and what's changed other than your mom Self-diagnosing you like I'm just wondering why moms diagnosis is

37:35Is bothering you so much? She's always been super critical of everything that I do in my life And I'm gonna use my sister's situation for example. She's She's had seizures and she's she's been diagnosed with epilepsy and she's kind of been the main character Okay, and in my parents life and I've always expressed a lot of the things that I've struggled with in my life and instead of them having the grace for me like They do for her I haven't received that so um navigating and doing Big life adult things and choosing people that matter to you has been a struggle for me because Of the main character syndrome. Okay. Yeah. I mean that's probably pretty relatable for like you know family dynamics Are you do you get therapy? Are you in therapy at all?

38:36Um, I try not to I I lean more deeply in my faith um, okay I'm more into Bible studies um, I follow Taylor Welsh very heavily. Okay. How is that helped you? Why can't you do both? The application the application so with Taylor Welsh he he helps with like the application Of what the Bible reads and how you apply it to your life a little bit better Just hearing words and then trying to apply it because I I struggle with like the like I I understand it to a certain degree but applying it to what's going on right now didn't make sense So his podcast his podcast does really helped me and who he's just a podcaster Um, he actually does like business coaching and stuff like that Okay, but he's not like a he's on a doctor Spirit spiritually, okay I'm glad it's helped you. I mean, it sounds like maybe it hasn't helped you as much as it you know like I guess like what because like listen like you you're describing some

39:39Like sound like some some wounds from your childhood that have carried over an adult hood Yeah, and it sounds like you're looking for some answers Yeah, and I Yeah, I know that this is not the place to do it because I know that you're not an expert by any means but I mean I mean listen like like this other guy I'm happy to talk through Stuff with you and I hope that you find it someone helpful Yeah, I just like again. I just You it sounds like you are looking for answers correct Yeah, yeah, and oh, I'm just curious is like is it against your faith therapy or something? Why are you resistant to the possibly of getting answers from someone who is a professional? I've struggled with finding the right one. I've been to I've been to therapists for the like pretty much quarterly every year and I haven't really found any of their advice helpful by any means is there a particular bit of advice that you got that you didn't find helpful?

40:39I just I feel like I spend more time talking about what my situations are and then I I need answers and a lot of it is like trying to navigate my moms and my relationship as opposed to my personal relationships Okay, so it sounds like you maybe you need to set some healthy boundaries with mom. I had to I had to cut my mom off Okay, and that's been been a little bit more. It's been easier on me. It's made me navigate my life a lot easier but um it still doesn't change the fact that I struggle to find the answers in my own personal life So yeah, no, I hear you But I like so if we cut my mom off, why is mom diagnosing you throwing you perception loop? I don't I don't know if she's trying to make up for lost time and her With her being a mom and not really being there for me and she's I feel like she's just kind of grasping its draws and throwing Fireballs at me if that makes sense. Yeah, maybe I don't know. Maybe like I don't know that's your sister has sounds like

41:39Has some health conditions for whatever reason your mom. I don't maybe connect like it allowed your mom to like I guess But it sounds like more than anything you just like It sounds like you just have some poor communication with your partner the friend That sounds like You know see of that relationship you're trying to figure out you have a relation with your mom I'm trying not to focus on my mom's in my relationship as much because um, she hasn't really made me feel like I mattered and After I've after I've said that I loved him. I I don't know how I'm supposed to either one rain My relationship back or continue to move forward with it. Do you love him? I do Do you think he loves you? I know he does. Okay, so that's a great start Yeah, why don't you guys focus on that? We have you guys talked openly to each other about the love you have for each other We we have talked openly he

42:40He does get overwhelmed every once in a while about it and what do you what do you mean by that? He tends to distance himself every time the topic comes back up So when you guys talk About each other's feelings he he he he leaves He bolts Okay, that's not good. How do you know he loves you, man? I can only go based on what he said And I can only take what he said at face value to a certain point How do you take his actions at face value? Yeah, he's always so he's always been the type of person that's Shown up for me. So after his friend died he I used to work in I used to work in wireless just like you did and he used to come up to my kiosk often to go like come and visit with me. We are now since self-employed and we do what he we can do We do what we can to meet up in between and go for coffee and stuff like that but

43:42After after we have opened up about our feelings he's been built in more because of him being overwhelmed How do you know it's so him being overwhelmed? He's got a lot going on in his life with his business and then I've got a lot going on with my business I mean, I got you know, we all have a lot going on. What does that stop him from usually like you know I can't I know I know like sometimes like you know But truth can be a little scary but usually when you find out someone loves you and you love them. It's usually a good thing yeah Um, and I can certainly understand why maybe it's just like oh wow that that was a lot to take in and maybe sit with it for a night But you're describing a theme which is he kind of disengages for periods of time And then it also sounds like since you also diagnosed him as autistic it it almost is suggesting It's easier for you to think he's autistic and that's why he disengages is rather than maybe just something else that's more

44:46It's possible. Yeah, you know to me. It's just like if I don't know what a diagnosis Does for you to other than if it's just like helping you better understand how your brain works and then maybe learning some Tips and tricks given how your brain works to help you know deal with situations, you know like coping mechanisms You know helping with anxiety Things like that these are and these would probably you would probably get these from some kind of expert of autism You know if that is the case but like you need to stop self-diagnosing If you actually think you are you should go get a diagnosis. I think that's a good idea And yeah, and and I'm Appreciate you listen to this podcast. I hope you find the things we talk about this helpful, but if you have some Real You know hurtles in your life that you're having a hard time navigating on your own It's okay to get the help of a professional, you know to help work through some of these these challenges

45:50I'm glad you have a faith-based life and I hope that brings you peace and comfort, but I hope it's I hope it's also getting you somewhere. I hope it's helping you, you know, and it doesn't sound like it's helping you with Understanding my brain you mean yeah, I don't know what I don't know what my mom is trying to solve with I don't know who cares. Yeah, I don't know your mom. I mean, you know parents who she doesn't know maybe maybe she's just Maybe she's got her own family trauma. I don't you know what I'm saying again like yeah What you're describing is your sister had a condition and you feel like your mom really Connected with your sister over that condition in a way that you felt almost kind of Forgotten as a child. Yeah And you and your mom ever since have had a very complicated relationship and you've had a hard time connecting with your mom Which is sad and it's another thing that you Probably want to deal with but I also don't want it to affect my My personal life to a certain degree either so

46:51Yeah, but it is and you know But you have to just deal with that. Yeah as far as your relationship goes that I am having a hard time kind of reading it But I Again One of the anything until he gets diagnosed. I would stop telling yourself he is Yeah, a lot of people do with anxiety A lot of people have a hard time dealing with stress a lot of people disengage. There's a million reasons why that's possible Maybe he is until you know if you're actually if he's actually things he might be He should get diagnosed simply just naming it and just being like well here I'm autistic he's autistic and I guess that's why we have a hard time connecting I don't think is is the best path forward for you to No to think that way because then it just kind of becomes a label That you kind of use it your convenience when you don't when you have a when you can't explain how you feel or what's going on your life You just throw a label at it which is almost like There be talk which is something that I hate yeah, I mean it's yeah

47:56um Very much so and again like I don't know You know the the fact that you're not totally confident in his relationship set of his ex I don't think I've anything to do with whether he or you are autistic You know, that's just a trust thing. I think it's more overwhelmed and Maybe our feelings are not there is I guess that's where my heads out right now I just don't know if my feelings are there as much as they were and I don't know if it's worth it to be romantic with him is I guess What I'm struggling with Well, that's only for you to decide No, yeah, but does he bring you happiness? Do you know again like it's Like what do you what kind of life would you want with him? I mean, you know, you guys are both adults like in an adult romantic relationship You guys should be talking about you know, A is this real Doesn't sound like it's all that real to him. I don't think it's not he's capable of being in a relationship He's proven that he might need some therapy He might need to process his emotions. He might need to do a stress a little bit better

48:59Maybe this is a world where some medication could help him. I don't know But he is capable of of being in a relationship And him disengaging I you know, I don't might just be he's incapable of being in the relationship that you want to be in regardless of the reason Yeah, so it sounds like I should probably just give up on it Move on Maybe I mean if that if you don't think there's a path forward I mean if you don't think you can talk to him about this stuff Ever without him disengaging the way he does If you can't get a clear answer from him If you're constantly just sitting around guessing how he feels or guessing his motives and then coming up with diagnosis is that are you know to try to help explain it that are just Best guesses yet. It sounds like a very difficult path forward, but if you can communicate, you know, you know, you just yeah My well, I guess the reason why I struggle with it is because when he goes off radar he I just live my life and then he comes back and then he come goes off and then he comes back and it's it's a constant yo-yo with my life and I'm like

50:09Kade is like what you want at this point. Well, what are you asking when he wants or what you want What he wants well, okay, yeah, but what you want is someone who doesn't pop in and out Mm-hmm But when he does pop in you don't you just accept him you just you just let him back in There have been times where I wasn't like when I was in relationships where I wouldn't let him come back Okay, I had on that I you were in relationship Yeah, it was in a relationship and so there was like an obvious like reason why you couldn't do that You were in a relationship someone else, but as a single person you can still enforce that boundary, but you're choosing not to Yeah, that's what everybody's been trying to tell me and I should probably just accept it at the point Yeah, maybe the way that I look at it is it's my life too and I don't really want to keep having this yo-yo in my life because I do have I do have other people in my life that are interested in

51:10Being with me and having a relationship with me and I don't want to say that I've held out hope for him being in my life by any means, but Because I I was single and he reached out and he's Single at the same time. It's just kind of what are we gonna do now? But I I honestly think that he probably is Taking advantage of me if he's popping in and out Probably, yeah, and that's just good old-fashioned selfishness I Could diagnose Well, I find this I feel this helpful and I Did find this helpful. I don't know what more else to say about this. Yeah, well, I'm glad you found it helpful, but again, I just again My biggest thing is like just be very careful with Diagnosing yourself or letting other people diagnose if you think there's truth to what people are saying by all means go talk to an expert, but let's That's not you self-diagnosis is an internet, you know

52:13Clips is a is a more convenient way to explain Things you can't explain and yeah, it sounds like you listen You have a lifetime with this guy and it sounds like you had some hope and some love there But you care about him and he probably cares about you But he's you know, neither of you are willing to do what it takes, you know, and it requires both of you Like you said you it sounds like you have a life that you've put on hold for this guy And you just thought you should stop doing that. Yeah, and I would just encourage you to be maybe open about therapy And maybe just finding the right therapist is really important maybe you haven't found that person yet. You can still Have a faith-based life you can still listen to whatever podcast you want, but like And again, like I think people can be over therapies I think there's a bad therapist out there I you know be you know, but the trick is is finding someone you feel like Here's you you know and helping you move forward and helping you understand yourself a little bit better And there's definitely someone out there who I'm sure it can help especially with your relation your mom You it just might require like some good therapy Just for no other reason just so you can be at peace with what you're where your relationship is with your mom

53:18And right now you you know, like it's I see your head spinning where you're just like you don't even really understand What's going on with your mom and and you've made a choice to like cut her off But it sounds like you're not even comfortable with that choice, but it's like the lesser of two evils Yeah, and if you are going to cut your mom off Maybe that is a necessity But I'd love to feed I'd love for you to be more confident about your decision and understand why you made that decision Feel good about that decision and and even understand if there's a if this is a decision Is this a temporary decision? Is this a permanent decision? Is there a goal with this decision? You know, it just sounds like a reactive choice you made and you don't really know if it was the right choice Definitely don't definitely don't feel like it's the right one Yeah, I'm a very loyal person. I don't like cutting people off in my life Yeah, especially your parents Yeah, if I were you I would want to understand that decision I'm making and I'd want to feel you know That you're gonna ever feel good about it But there are people out there who have had to cut their family members off and while that wasn't a fun decision

54:19They were better for it and they felt good about it because it you know, it maybe it was like a Again, not ideal in the lesser of I say two bad choices, but you know It may be brought to peace because the person they had to cut off was was bringing a lot of negativity in their their life Yeah, and it's sound you're the way you talk it sounds like you know offense or like heard the idea on a podcast and we're like Fuck it. Well, let's try this see how it goes pretty much I do my very best to try any opportunity to get answers In my life and I've always appreciated your advice and I wanted I wanted to see what you had to say about it Yeah, and I appreciate you calling and I and I I'm really am grateful that you you trust me But like again, like you know, this show is about just kind of talking about relationships and best practices and You know the thing like I've kind of said before the thing I'm really good at is you know I've there's been a lot of such as equations in my life that are where I've gotten stuck on

55:24People and situations and a lot of that I've had to realize was just my perspective on the situation and I've I've gotten good at seeing the big picture. I got in better at empathizing with the other side You know, but some of these situations that people people find themselves and do stem from childhood traumas and and are more complex and complicated that require you know You know ongoing conversations and probably the help of an expert and that you know this show or any other podcast can't Replace that if that if that is a need All right Yeah Well, this has been helpful. Okay. Mom glad Um, I wasn't sure if I was being helpful, but um No, it has helped I know that it's complicated and I didn't know where I didn't know where to land on this and because I A lot of things have changed And how I feel since I wrote in to you so I wanted to make sure that

56:26Okay I at least got some answers from you because that's that's why I reached out so Well, I appreciate you reaching out. I appreciate you listening. I'm glad you're a fan of the show And I'm glad you find the show helpful, but like You're stuck right and you need to get unstuck and you need to get some answers um And your answers Need to feel helpful and it needs to feel like you are getting some clarity and it doesn't sound like all these answers You've gotten even from this show has actually helped you get unstuck Yeah, and I think that is that is a sign that maybe someone who is more of an expert can help can help you do that I really appreciate that advice Okay, well, I hope you have a good day you too appreciate the call. Okay, bye bye My My relationship with money has definitely changed over the years monarch has helped me get a clearer picture of where my money is going And what I wanted to do for me monarch tracks everything in one place accounts investments saving goals and spending Monarch helps you set goals and see whether you're actually on track

57:29It takes a lot of the mental load out of keeping up with your finances It's hard to keep track of your overall finances. You're spending It's always great to track what we're spending money on Now, and I love monarch as it gives us that clear picture of our overall finances We can sit down and talk about doing you to save a little bit do we have a little bit left extra to splurge It's really great for every family looking to get a better picture of your overall finances The AI weekly recap gives you a quick look at spending spikes net worth changes and upcoming expenses You can also ask monarch ais assistant questions about your finances like how much you spend on travel or whether you can afford Vacation without torching your savings when life gets busy Sometimes you stop paying attention to the finer details and when you stop paying attention to the final details of finances Things can get a little tricky So get a clear picture of your overall spending and enjoy life a little bit more right your own money story with monarch Use code viall at monarch dot com to get your first year of monarch core half off at just $50 that's 50% off your first year at monarch dot com with code v I a l l I'm Serena Williams and I'm healthier on row

58:32I've lost 34 pounds in a year with GLP ones diet and exercise on row You can access GLP one options including the first FDA approved GLP one pill for weight loss go to row dot code slash journey to see if you qualify 14 to 20% average weight loss in one year and non-diabetics with obesity or overweight with a weight related medical condition versus 2.2% to 3.1% and placebo on rx only to stay informed about serious side effects go to row dot code slash safety How's it going? Great. How are you? I'm great. How are you? Yeah, great. All right. What's your name? My name is Pam. Okay. I'll be 29. Okay. And how can I help? I don't know how to date. Okay. Why do you say that? Um, I guess I've never really dated four so ever. I don't know how well I was married but like I feel like that kind of just like I fell into that so Sure, but okay, so off the bat you are definitely like underselling your

59:35experience and ability, you know, like some not really. Okay. Tell me about your marriage quickly. I don't know. It wasn't great. Um, but like we were friends before. Okay. So Like it just, you know, happened How old were you? We started dating when I was like 20 and then I got married at 21. Okay. Um, how long you've been divorced? Over three years. Okay. And what do you mean doing me for the past three years when it comes to your love life? Uh, not much. Uh, recently I tried downloading like dating apps. Okay. That's that's a Stray canal. What do you mean striking out? I don't know. It just like hasn't gone well. Yeah. It doesn't go well for anyone. Yeah. So don't beat yourself up But so like you don't like anyone. You don't feel like anyone likes you or just no one's really talking and just like Do you feel like you're getting rejected? Yeah, for sure. Um, how so like what's going on that makes you feel rejected on the apps?

1:00:35Well, like they'll just like not answer, which is fine. But like I think I also prompted. How so what do you mean? Well, like I think that like I don't see a whole point to like talking too much on an app. Like I'm like, oh, like let's just me. Yeah. So like I'll be like, oh, so when do you want to ask me out? And then just great. Okay. Well, I mean unfortunately I would have to be times how them work. I wouldn't take that personally. And if anything that's just you know so much about dating. So, you know, I know you feel like you have no dating experience or ability. But like so much about dating is just it's like sales. I mean you're ultimately selling yourself. And I don't As someone who used to work in sales, you know, it's like you have to get a hundred knows before you get one maybe And you kind of get used to that mentality and you don't take it personally type of thing. And dating is a little bit of like that, right? Because you want everyone to love you and be obsessed with you. And then you want to choose from that pool of people who are obsessed with you. And that's just kind of not reality. Right. And then you incorporate the dating apps where you have, you know, it's become a hot or not thing. It's become like a hookup app. And it's become something people do when they're bored.

1:01:43And they're just kind of unserious and everyone has their dating horror stories. And it's like, you know, and so when you are, you know, Trying to set up a date and they don't get a response. It feels like rejection. It's not they're not rejecting you. They don't even know you. They they see a picture or two. And regardless of whether the pictures are great and you think they're completely accurate. They're like, I don't know. I don't even know if it's really her, you know, like I just, you know, it's like Everyone's been ghosted or catfished or whatever. You know, everyone's who anyone who's been on the dating app for any period of time has gone on a date with someone where like that is not the person in the picture. What the fuck? You know what I'm saying? So now when a guy is like, I don't know. Do I want to spend 150 bucks on this stranger? I don't fucking know, you know, it's a lot of that. It's definitely not you. Right. So more the most important thing if you're going to go on the apps is to you really have to not take it personally, especially with communication with strangers. Like you haven't even confirmed their human yet.

1:02:48You know, I did confirm one person was a human. Okay. Good. And they still ghosted me. And how did you know they were a human? Well, like, we like thought he's whether on Instagram and then we had a mutual. Okay. And they're actually like dating somebody that I know or like their brothers dating on them. Okay. Hold on. Okay. Well, listen, I don't know you at all. You seem like a wonderfully eligible batch the right. So to speak, like there's. You're not quasi-moto. You're a good-looking person. You know, I don't know. Like you're just clearly have stuff going for you. You just have to like, and I think more than maybe there's a confidence thing you have to find. You know, all right. Where do you live in a like a big city small city, small town? Small city. Small city. Do you have a single friends? A lot of single friends? I'm not a lot now. Okay. A few any? Yeah. Like one. One. Okay. And do you have fun with her?

1:03:50But one, hey, listen, like a lot of sometimes are you going out outside of work? Not really. Okay. So you might. Okay. So you have. Okay. Sounds like you have a just kind of very, you're, you're very, you're very comfortable lifestyle at 29 years old that you've carved out for yourself. If you like that life, you need to change something about it for the sake of what you want for yourself long term. It sounds like because you're not going to meet anyone, you know, and you probably have a small circle. I have a small, like small circles are great. Are you in a little introverted? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Same. But you're going to have, you're going to have to get out of your comfort zone a little bit to make some, make something to make some changes in your life. You want things to change, right? Like by definition, you want to date. You're not dating now. So it's going to require some change. And I think step one is you kind of being comfortable with that and kind of like baby steps, right? Like maybe like, encourage yourself to this one friend that you have to go out and get some drinks. Just get out, you know, just go out and go out where men are, you know, get out there, be social, maybe join some kind of after work, you know, social, you know,

1:05:05go head volleyball. I don't know, you know, whatever it is, you got to put yourself in situations where there are other people. There's just a lot of lonely people out there and there's just a lot of people like yourself who people like me look at you and go, how could she have a hard time dating, right? But you're just not, you're, you're not getting yourself out there. You're not putting yourself in situations that, you know, you're surrounding yourself with other people are like, yeah, I really like to meet someone, right? And the apps are not that place. Right? And so I think that step one is to kind of change your day to day routine. And it sounds like you have a probably a fairly structured routine and you're and you like it. It's comfortable. You're, it's, you know, but it's, it's not, it's not allowing you to meet a lot of people. Is that fair? Yeah. I guess that's fair. And I guess like when I do go out, I don't need anybody so that I don't feel like it worth it to go out more. Yeah, you're going to have to have some patience and then being the introverted person who's probably quiet and you're not like, you know, it's and, and you're probably

1:06:09are more intimidating than you realize to approach, you know, you're, you, and that's why, you know, whether it's like a co-ed, like an activity where like you, you are forced to talk to people rather than sitting at a table with this one girlfriend and having a one on conversation and looking like two girls who are having a girls night and they don't want to be approached by a man and as an introverted person, you have to put yourself in situations that make it easy for you because it's not easy for you to like, you know, you're never, you know, you're probably not the person who's going to go out and start hitting on guys. And that's just a lot harder to do. No, I don't think so. Yeah. No, no, no need to be that person. It's just like it's getting out there and finding more girlfriends that are also single and I honestly think that's step one is just like find more people who are in the same stage of life as you. And I think that can make it a lot easier, you know, as far as dating, yeah, I mean, you know, I don't know if there's like, I don't think you need me, need me coaching you and like asking, you know, like, I don't know, you just, you know how to get to know people. I guess. Yeah.

1:07:15I don't know. We'll see. Two weeks of experiments. I think you also like want to, I think you want a little bit more of a if possible, you know, I think you need some kind of confidence boost, you know, like, you know, you're just you're kind of like, I'm, I don't know, I'm like whatever, you know, like, like, why should someone date you? What do you think you bring? Yeah, if gone. What do you, what do you bring? What do you bring the table? I am the table. No, that's funny. But no, I don't know, I don't know a lot. But I mean, what do you like to do? I don't think other people think I'm funny, but I think I'm funny. You have a dry sense of humor. You're acquired taste. Great. So you need to find someone else with a dry sense of humor. And I'm guessing you're funny and in smaller groups, one on one, you know, with, right? Like you're not the funny part. You're not a standup comedian who's walking into a bar and getting everyone to laugh. Okay, great. So you're funny, right?

1:08:17You, you, you, you, you appreciate a sense of humor that you jive with. Great. Okay. So you're looking for that. Like what do you like to do for fun? What do you, what do you want? What are the things you enjoy doing that you would love to enjoy doing with someone that you romantically liked? Like activities. Okay. Like what? Like anything like skiing or like going for like walks with my dog or like anything. Like things like playing games. Okay. Like what kind of games? I don't know. Like board games tennis, like anything. Okay. tennis. All right. So you like skiing you like tennis. I, you know, or maybe there's, I don't know, maybe in your small city, there's a pickle ball. I mean, the pickle ball is a big thing. And you know, it's tennis ish. Like that. But you know what I'm saying back to the whole you're going to have to find the things that you like doing. And then you're going to have to try to find other people who like doing them. And that just makes the, it makes it easier to connect with people.

1:09:18Because it's like, oh, we, we're doing this activity. Walking your dog is a little different, you know, but I don't know. Going to what do you go to dog parks? Yeah. Okay. Do you ever see a guy with this dog? No. No. Okay. No. Okay. What is what's the thing about dating that makes you the most nervous? Is it just the meeting them? Yeah. I think like all of it, like meeting them for sure. Like I think like all of the initial stuff is very scary on my head. Okay. It's not, it's not that scary. What's the worst thing that can happen? Well, yeah. No, I know when you think of it like that, like nothing. Like can really bad happen. Other than like they could be a serial killer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You could get murder. Yeah. There's that you could definitely get murder. Yeah. We acknowledge, we acknowledge that outside of the worst case scenario. But I guess like listen, you have you kind of have like I'm a low energy guy often. You have a low energy kind of vibration to you, which is totally okay. But I think people like you and people like me.

1:10:24I guess in that regard are a little harder to meet and a little harder approach. And it's going to and you're going to have to challenge yourself to get out there and put yourself in situations where you're a little easier to approach. And you feel a little bit more comfortable to show a little bit more higher energy. You know, because like the your your resting state. And I say this is a low energy kind of guy is like doesn't just give. Fun and and yeah, and I'm sure you are. But like you know what I'm saying? You you you're you're comfortable with your like you're clearly a comfortable enough with yourself to be yourself most of the time, which a lot of people aren't. You know, right? Like you don't you don't need constant. You're not like one of those people, please. There's who like you just need constant validation from people I'm guessing, right? Not anymore. But I feel like you know, we've all been there. But like it is going to you're you're going to you're going to you're going to definitely have to get out of your comfort zone.

1:11:26I think it's more than anything when it comes to dating is you're going to have to challenge yourself. There's going to be most moment when it comes to you dating. Most of the things that I'm like you're going to be like, I don't know. Is this going to be easier for you to not it's going to be easier for you to stay home. It's going to be easier for you to put on a movie. It's just going to be easier for you to not. But doing nothing is not going to get you where you want to go. And you're just going to you're going to have to. I mean like you and I moved to a when the long time, you know, I moved to Chicago. I didn't really know a lot of people. I went to the I went to dinner by myself and set up the bar. There's a lot of like I'm a fucking loser. Thoughts going on in my head. And then I learned how to be like, you know what? I'm good for me for going out to a bar and sitting by myself. And I didn't mean I didn't mean I didn't mean anyone dating that day. I mean, I mean, I mean, you know, it's interesting interactions. But like I just you got to get out. You got to. You got to get out of your comfort zone. But like find myself. Well, you're all right. Yeah. I mean, listen, I was a guy's a little safer for me to do that. But I don't know. Just mix it up. Just try some do some things that you would think I would never do that.

1:12:30Even if it is, I mean, make sure you're safe. But even if it is going to a bar on a busy on a Friday night, you have no plans. There's this restaurant you want to try. And you go post up at a bar and have a nice meal. You get a glass of wine, whatever. No expectations. You're not sitting there looking around. Hope, you know, and most likely you'll just be a by yourself alone at a bar and you'll go home. No big deal. That's fine. No, it's all you got it. You got food. But who knows? But that's as you getting comfortable with not sitting at home and doing what you would normally do, which is nothing. You know, and you just have to get good at exercising that muscle, which is to get out of your comfort zone and try things out. You kind of called with this like lack of experience. I've oh, I got married when I was young and then I was married. It wasn't great. Then I got the voice and I don't know what to do with myself. And part of that is like you're just really comfortable with being which is a great quality to have. There's so many people who aren't comfortable. You know, they they're just they're kind of chameleons. Like you have you got the hard part figured out

1:13:33which is like you know who you are. You know what you want. Like I'm guessing you know like when I went out to the bars and you know when I was younger and I was like, shaw, I said I'm like, no, I'm not doing that. Like I had to own a problem being like, no, I don't know. Yeah, you know, I'm not a follower. There's a lot of people struggle with that. You don't struggle with that. You're struggling. You're your biggest challenges yourself is to get out of your own way. And and because you're so good at being like, I don't want to do that. And you're going to have to tell yourself, we need to do this. And it might be uncomfortable. It might not get anything out of it in the short run. You're not you're not doing it to meet people. You're doing it to just get the fuck out of the house and and change things up and you know, bring some new people and there's some new energy into your life. Okay. That's sound doable. Okay. Yeah. Because that's definitely the start. I would I would honestly try to like look at like what are some what are some activities that are you know, again, like the world's a lonely place. And I think they're in more and more

1:14:33people are recognizing that. And there's a bit of a renaissance of people realizing we have to like get out. I don't know. I mean, it's in his quarries. It sounds and honestly, you'll probably make your skin crawl. But like there are speed dating events. There are you know, there are. I you're right. But like just try it out. It do bring the girlfriend. Have some fun. You don't have to take it that seriously. You just need to get the fuck out. Yeah. And you need to meet some people. And so you have to put yourself in situations where it's easy for someone to ask, you know, just to be a human with you to it. They don't have to build up the courage to say hi. They're just there, you know, on the volleyball team. And then maybe there's a some organic flirting. And maybe, you know, got you know, like, she's cute. And you know, you're like, he's cute. And I don't know. And then you go from there. Does that make sense? Yeah. And the apps, you know, take them at least that is it is something to do. It might work. Have the lowest of expectations. And the moment a dating app makes you feel bad about yourself. Stop. Take a break. Okay. Because

1:15:40that's all it does. It's it's it's a validation thing that's so off to mix its feel worse about ourselves. And if you don't have that kind of awareness and self confidence, which is hard to have when it's the dating apps. And if you're like, this is makes me feel bad. I don't like just just take a break. Try it out in the future. I don't know. But you should have the absolute lowest of expectations with dating apps. It's anything that happens is a way. I mean, truly, you'll probably call back in six months. Be like, yeah, I find my husband on it. Anything's possible. But you need to get out there. And yeah, you need to get out of your comfort. Your biggest problem right now is you're really comfortable with your current life. And you're just but you. Yeah, which is great. But you need to you need to tweak it a little bit because you don't have everything you want. Yeah, that's fair. So this is helpful. I don't know. I feel like this is. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of helpful. Okay. Well, I'll take kind of. Yeah. Listen, you have. No, it is helpful.

1:16:40You have a lot going for you. You clear your your obviously a catch. You're not for everyone. And you just you have to allow people to get to know you. And you're probably difficult to get to know. Okay. Yeah. And that's okay. I think that's it. I'm not easy to get to know. You know, and I don't want. I don't want like fuck. I don't you know, I'm not I'm not here to entertain people. You know, I'm saying, but like, this is because because you want this and you're in you. There's something you don't have that you want. And it's going to require you to get out of your comfort zone and make some different choices in the short term. So that you know, so that you can find your equally low energy person or someone who's a little high energy who gets it out, you know, but find your person. No person that kind of is your match. And and you're you're doing it. So and then you guys cannot go out once you find once you find each other. You cannot do the, you know, but it does, you know, bowling, whatever, whatever the fuck, you know, try it out. Challenge yourself to mix it up. And honestly, like, you know, find more, you know, try to find some going out friends.

1:17:44I can do that. Okay. Any other questions? I hope I hope this is helpful. This is this is a tougher one. No, it was helpful. Yeah. Sorry. No, no, no, you got a lot going for you. And then that, I mean, you know, like, you've been married. So you know what it's like to be in a relationship. You've certainly had a lot of practice with that. You know, certainly what what you don't like. That's for sure. Yeah. That's a step in the right direction. That's a step in the right direction. The rest of it is just, it's a lot of trial. It's again, it's sales. My phone. And you know, it's you and you don't like a lot of people. And you have that going for you. So don't take it personally if someone's not. And you know, yeah, that's true. That's a good thing. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Well, keep us posted. I love to know how your dating life goes. And if we've made some progress. All right. All right. Good luck. You're going to be fine. All right. Thank you. All right. Bye.

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