Father CONSISTENTLY NEGLECTED to CONTRIBUTE to my higher education expenses but set aside

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Father consistently neglected to contribute to my higher education expenses but set aside

funds for his other offspring.

Therefore, he was greatly surprised to learn that my sibling would be escorting me down the

aisle at my nuptials instead.

Of him he got mad and said he doesn't approve of my marriage.

So 25 years ago two dumb 20-year-olds got drunk and made me.

They had and still have nothing in common, don't particularly like one another, but for

some reason decided to keep me.

I always lived with my mom full time.

I love her don't get me wrong, but she's pretty messy.

I have six other half siblings, two of them have the same dad.

We always had a clean place to live and never went hungry or anything, but I know there were

times that she did so we wouldn't.

Mom very clearly loves all of us individually and as her family, she's just pretty irresponsible.

My dad I'd say more has his shit together, but we're not close.

He married Hilda, also mid-forties now, when I was six-ish and they had my half-brothers

Jesse, 16, and Kyle, 14, a few years later.

They both have really good jobs and a nice house and cars.

I know my dad paid child support, but their lives simply were very different than mine.

I'd come over every other weekend, but after a while they were too busy with the other

two so I'd just wait for dad to text me when he was available.

He did, don't get me wrong, but he works a lot so I probably saw him once a month before

I went to college, and after that we talk every now and then but mainly just see one another

on holidays.

One of these holidays, Hilda got kind of drunk and told me that after my mom had me my

dad basically blocked her and just paid child support until his parents, my grandma and

grandpa, basically shamed him for being a deadbeat and he got some visitation.

I heard a lot to hear, but it made a lot of my childhood make sense.

It all came up because she was resentful that he had to pay my mom child support until

I was 21 and was saying she had wished I'd skipped college.

It's also sad because I know she was busy with her kids, but I always thought she at

least liked me.

Like, I know she hates my mom because it was maybe petty but when they had Jesse they

replaced my room at their house with the nursery and pout my stuff and another one, so

my mom filed and was awarded much more child support than she had been getting and that

affected them.

It's fine, there was free therapy at college and I'm actually doing great career and

mental health wise now, in fact, my fiance and I make about as much as they do, granted

less property etc so I'm in a good place.

Literally freshman week I met my now fiance John, 25, but we didn't start dating for

two years and have been inseparable ever since.

His family is amazing, super loving, involved but not pushy and kind.

They do have a lot of money and it if you don't believe me but even if they were broke

I'd be so lucky to be marrying into their family.

Like just an example of how amazing they are, his mom gave him her grandmother's ring

to propose and has offered me any and all of her or her sister's jewelry to borrow for

the wedding.

His dad helped my brother get a job in his industry, he deserved it, but it's a hard

one to crack into and even his sister is going to be my MO okay maybe these are stupid examples

but they've told me before I don't need to apologize for my crazy and kind of trashy

mom and have even thanked her for raising.

The love of their son's life.

They're just so happy and positive and full of love, I'm so lucky.

I've been so good about setting up boundaries like with my mom, I laid it out that I'm not

her best friend, she's not Laura like Gilmore and I'm not Rory, I'm her daughter and always

have been.

Had some come to Jesus moments but are in a much better place, and I am sad, but also

very happy to say that she's been a much more responsible mother to my four youngest siblings

than she was to my brother, Diff Dad, Jake 23 and me.

And my dad and I have never been close, but I've tried.

When John and I were talking about getting engaged, he asked me if I wanted him to ask

my dad's permission.

At first I said no, what's the point?

Then I was like, okay, I'm his only daughter, he's kind of traditional and he was more or

less there for me growing up.

So he did, and dad was tickled pink just as I expected.

They never said they had any money for the wedding or offered any, which wasn't shocking

or anything, and I didn't ask.

So after all that background, we're getting married soon.

It will be in John's hometown, which is a pretty nice place that people go to for vacations

and they know basically the whole town, so it will be a huge event.

His family, and to be honest, we, won a big wedding, but since we're just starting our

careers out, his parents are paying for the whole thing.

I am paying for my dress though, and my mom and younger Sib's travel.

I kind of just assumed my dad would walk me down the aisle, but a few weeks ago at one

of my showers, Hilda was talking with John's mom, who was saying how proud they must have

been that I paid my own way through college.

Hilda was like, oh yeah, it looked really hard, we're glad that we started saving towards

our son's college funds a long time ago.

They have more than enough for undergrad and probably grad school.

I overheard this and confirmed with John's mom what she said.

It hurts so bad.

College was a struggle, there were times all I had were multivitamins and PB and JS, and

only because my mom would send me $20 here and there.

Don't get me wrong, I'm also proud of myself, and I know the boys are both their kids while

John just my dad's so of course they'll give them more, but it really solidified to me

who and what I was to them.

So I asked my brother Jake to walk me down the aisle.

John and his family know about this and 100% support me.

Hilda called me yesterday asking about the rehearsal dinner, where they need to be and when,

and I told her they wouldn't need to be at the church or anything and could just go to

the restaurant after.

She was like oh well how will your dad practice walking you down the aisle?

It was super awkward and I let her know Jake would be, but I was excited to see them.

A few hours later my dad came to our condo and told me how disappointed he was, he said

he's been dreaming of giving me away my whole life.

I was in a pretty good headspace luckily and was just like, oh I didn't know you'd want

to and didn't expect you to care, trying to be nonchalant and avoid drama.

He was aggressive, though and wouldn't let it go, saying I was trying to make him look

like an idiot and if Hilda hadn't asked he would have shown up thinking he'd walk me

down the aisle.

I asked him why he would assume that and he looked at me like I was stupid.

But I wanted to hear him say it and he finally said that any father would expect that.

I was just like, sure, but any other father probably didn't ignore their daughter for the

first few months of their life, have as minimal custody as possible, or have college funds

for some of their kids but not others.

They probably did do things like take their daughters on vacation, attend a single father

daughter event and help them out even though they were legally done.

He got mad but honestly couldn't even argue and just said he wasn't sure if he approved

of this marriage anymore.

I told him I wasn't worried about that and the truth was that we just simply weren't

very important people to one another.

He got really sad after that and left and even though John agrees with my decisions,

he said I should have given my dad the heads up about what I wanted from him at the wedding.

As much as I value his opinion, I also feel like he doesn't get it.

His family loves him and would do anything for him and has, while my dad has only ever

done the bare legal minimum when I needed him.

I never assumed he would help me and he shouldn't assume he can play a role in my wedding.

I know I'm not the asshole for having my brother walk me down the aisle, that's no

debate.

But was I wrong for not directly spelling out for my dad that he would be attending

as a guest and only a guest?

Comments where OP has replied, downvoted commenter one.

O-O-D-A.

If you only had multivitamins and pvj and college even though he was still paying child

support it sounds like your mom was using it to pay for her other kids since you paid

your whole college.

Plus it's your dad who was there.

Get over yourself.

Boop, until I was 21.

The hard years were after that.

I didn't graduate with my masters until I was 23.

When he was paying child support she sent me money minus the health insurance premium.

Not one.

Not sure how child support works but if your dad had to pay it till you were 21, wasn't

that supposed to include tuition as well?

No.

The amount didn't change and my mom sent me money for the first few years I was in school

from it.

It stopped on my 21st birthday and that's when I really started struggling.

Sorry for the confusion.

Comment too.

Not even remotely close to being an asshole.

Your dad has some nerve having expectations of you after not treating you like an equal

child your entire life.

I'd have punched him at the dreaming of giving me away his whole life.

You don't owe him jack shit.

Did he give you a heads up before becoming a deadbeat?

Did he give you a heads up about not paying for your college but paying for your half sibling?

The audacity to say he doesn't approve, honestly good, because now you can uninvite him without

feeling guilty.

Who would want to attend a wedding they don't approve of?

Boop, honestly, I doubt he's been dreaming of this for more than a few years.

One of my brothers is trans so I'm sure he thought that was his redo daughter he could

do all of the father daughter stuff with, but that isn't happening anymore.

Comment three, sorry legal bear minimum is invite you to the wedding.

Father of the bride costs extra.

Be sure to add a speech in about your amazing mother who didn't always have a lot but gave

you her last dollar when you couldn't afford food in college.

How you've learnt the value of struggle and who really shows up for you when it matters.

Then ask her to join you for a mother daughter dance.

NTA Oop, my mom was a billion times better than dad but honestly they both had their own

issues.

Down voted commenter too, I mean Ooda in this circumstance because one of the showers

is usually a month before at least.

Boop, yes his family threw a small one because he had some family in from out of the country

and it worked out and my friends are throwing another one for more people.

I also clarified for the few people that would be at both that they didn't need to get

us gifts for both or any.

Oop clarifies on the money she received from her mother that was child support.

Jesus since this keeps coming up.

One, it was the first two years of college.

She sent me a few hundred dollars am but did use the money for my health insurance and

if something came up an issue at the house that I lived at in the summer by the way.

Two, even if she spent any of it on my siblings it doesn't matter.

It was her money.

Three, after I turned 21 is when it got hard and she'd sent me twenty dollars when she

could.

I haven't received a dime from dad since I turned 21.

Comment four, you should have told him that walking you down the aisle was not required

by the court so why would you expect him to do it Oop?

LMAOOOO lovadoop responds to multiple comments regarding if her father paid for college.

He did not pay anything for college.

He simply had to continue to pay child support in extra three years.

My dad never tried to have joint custody.

Most non custodial parents are ones that don't care to seek more custody.

My mom never fought any of our dads who sought fifty to fifty.

I paid for my college.

He paid nothing for college and is offered the same for the wedding.

Update, thanks for all of your comments, I think I read all of them.

It was very cathartic and to be honest, even though it was overwhelmingly NTA, I actually

started to agree with the OODA folks, who were mostly still very nice.

I should have put on my big girl pants and just told my dad he would be a guest at my

wedding and nothing more, I wasn't doing anyone a favor by not being up front.

I apologized, kind of, to my fiance, he totally understood and admitted he doesn't really

understand my family dynamic, which I told him I was glad for.

I mentioned in some comments, but one of my dad's sons came out as trans a few years ago.

I know they were hoping it was a phase, but to their credit they did let him take puberty

blockers.

Well it's at this point not looking like a phase anymore, and I think that's where the

whole my only daughter slash only chance came from.

In fact, after spending time with Hilda and hearing, with horror, about the things she's

done, my cell confided in me that she's pretty sure that if he and Hilda did have a daughter,

he would refuse to walk me down the aisle before he was able to do it with her.

My dad wrote me an email, I'm not going to post it because it's super lame and was just

the same old song of poor him his life is so hard, he wasn't ready to be a dad, he did

the best he could, he's always loved me blah blah blah no action items, no, probably

false, promises to change, nothing new, no, he didn't offer any money for the wedding,

but reiterated a lot that he's always dreamed of walking me down the aisle.

He did the whole oh I know I haven't been perfect and you deserved a better dad and how

he knew he could do better with his grandkids.

I just replied that we looked forward to him being a guest at the wedding and to remind

me if they had any food allergies.

Unfortunately I care a lot and I know their youngest allergies but whatever.

I had already decided who'd be walking me down the aisle by then so it didn't matter.

My sill is one of my dearest friends and she and my fiance John have been very sweet

to me about all of this.

They are their parents only two kids and very close, she's the one who convinced me to

date John in the first place and I can never stop thanking her.

She and my fill always go, don't laugh, to this amateur wrestling thing in our city whenever

he's in town, drink a lot of beer and either John or myself pick them up.

It's a fun thing and they've always done it just the two of them so I was shocked and

thrilled that she invited me to go with them this past weekend.

I fill kept bragging about his two daughters and my sill told me she's so excited to

finally have a sister.

I told them my new plan for the ceremony and who would be walking me down the aisle, I had

already told jakers and he approved and even though they're pretty traditional they thought

it was a great idea.

I'm excited for the future, I've worked really hard for my life and yes I got super

lucky with John and his family and it's going to be a great rest of my life and the wedding

will be a great start to it.

This where Op has replied, Oop clarifies on if her brother, Jake, is still going to walk

her down the aisle.

I was having him walk me down the aisle because he's the closest man I have in my family and

that's what I thought I had to do, be walked down by a family member, ideally a man.

But I will be giving myself a way smile comment one, curious to know some of the horrific things

that Hildi has done that makes you know that if Hildi had a girl your dad would have dumped

you like yesterday's trash.

If it's too personal to tell, it's fine.

I am just how curious what a POS Hildi really was.

I seriously think some people watch Cinderella and Snow White and think the stepmothers are

role models.

Oop, my brother is trans, a fab, so yeah comment too.

Ah, Hildi is also transphobic.

Gacha, total POS.

You and your brother deserve happiness.

Screw her.

Oop, she's not.

I've been very supportive of my brother.

I'm saying I think a lot of this came out because he realized I'm his only daughter.

I'm also almost 100% certain that if he had a daughter with Hildi he wouldn't be allowed

to walk me down the aisle until he walked her down first, just like how he was never able

to go my father-daughter dances.

Fine and retrospect B.C. those were cringe, next story.

Boyfriends mom copies everything I buy and makes say you'll comments about our relationship,

but when she tried to watch him pee on a road trip right after I did it as a joke.

I realized she's obsessed with him and we had to cut her off.

I, 27F, have been with my boyfriend, 26M, for two years.

Our families are very close, both of our moms get along and pretty much became best friends

once we started dating.

I adore his mom, 50F, too, we've had a genuine friendship since her son and I got together.

Let me start by saying my boyfriend and his mom are pretty close and they have a great

relationship.

But since we started dating, she seems to be jealous of our relationship.

And she seemed to start copying me.

My boyfriend bought me a beanie from our favorite local company and suddenly, she needed the

same beanie.

We went bikini shopping and she bought the exact same becini I decided to buy.

My boyfriend bought me a camping ice chest, so she went out and bought the exact same one

for herself.

And now, she's looking to buy the exact same car as me that I bought for myself six months

ago.

For reference, I bought a four by four off-roading SUV with full towing capabilities because

I go camping and ride dirt bikes quite a bit.

She does not do any of that, nor have a single use for any type of four by four car.

Aside from the copying, she makes very weird inappropriate jokes.

I said I wanted breakfast, she responds, don't you get enough sausage for my son?

I say I'm tired, she says maybe don't stay up so late having sex, has literally said

that.

One time I made a comment about my boyfriend having big hands and she said you know what

that means, right?

Mama didn't raise no shrimpies.

We were on a road trip once, and we had to pull over for a pee break.

My boyfriend got out and just peed on the side of the road.

Jokingly, I stood behind him and peaked over to watch his business.

His mom saw and she came over to do the same.

She does say this stuff in front of my boyfriend, her son, and he'll snap and tell her she's

being weird, but she only ever laughs it off.

When she came over to see his business, he immediately shrugged her off slash elbowed

her and snapped at her to knock it off.

She just doesn't take it seriously.

I want the entire future with my boyfriend, kids, house, land, all of it.

So cutting her off or giving my boyfriend that ultimatum doesn't seem feasible.

Is this an overreaction?

Do I just let the weirdness fizzle out and ignore it in the meantime?

Edit, shit hit the fan.

She absolutely lost it when my boyfriend sat down to have a conversation with her.

But in the end, we did cut ties.

I made a full post explaining how that batshit crazy woman reacted.

Thank you for all the responses and advice.

While it wasn't what I ever wanted to hear, I apparently needed to and so did my boyfriend.

Update, hi, everyone.

I was overwhelmed by the amount of responses I got on my previous post, and fucking horrified

that my fears were put into words that outsiders were able to very clearly see.

I'm not gonna lie, it made me nauseous reading some of the comments and realizing it was

a form of emotional incest, which I had to research by the way, hated every second of it.

Anyways, here's an update from the drama that went down the last month.

I sat down with my boyfriend and had a really uncomfortable talk about all of it, and he

was equally horrified.

I don't think it ever really hit him how completely bananas and sick the behavior was until

everything was laid out on the table back to back.

He assured me he hasn't dealt with any deeper abuse from his past, and this seems to be

a more recent behavior.

I'm his most serious relationship, so we're assuming it was some weird sick jealously

like many of you said.

The real drama, he sat down with his mom, without me, and told her how he felt, that it

was inappropriate, and that it needed to stop.

Well shit hit the fan after that.

That woman completely snapped, she blew up my phone with messages about how I will never

compete with her, she will always be, BF's name, first love, and that I shouldn't have

felt so insecure, especially since we considered each other friends.

She also said there was nothing weird or sexual about the comments she's made, and that

were all sensitive snowflakes.

Eventually they got into a screaming match, he told her we'd cut ties if she continued

acting like this, both his siblings have cut ties with her for years now, and she pretty

much said I dare you, you'll deal with the consequences.

So ties were cut.

But we have learned she's been twisting the story quite a bit to her friends and family,

and they apparently blame me, saying I poisoned her in my boyfriend's mind.

I personally have no guilt for the situation, I think cutting ties was the best outcome,

but I do worry about my boyfriend, his dad is still very much in his life, but I worry

about him not having his mom, even though she was toxic.

For the ones who have cut ties with family members in the past because of a spouse, what

kind of advice can you give for a smoother transition to essentially losing a parent?

Is there anything that will make it easier on him or both of us?

We want to start planning a family soon too, but how am I supposed to ever explain to

our child what happened to their grandma?

I'm truly scared my boyfriend might hold resentment towards me one day for bringing light

to how toxic his mom was.