Father Knows Best - "Anniversary Event"

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Welcome to Classic Comedy of Old Time Radio.

I'm your host, Ron Eklbarger.

Mother is on cloud nine because she is convinced that father has remembered some super important romantic event.

The only problem is that he has absolutely no clue as to what it is.

This is episode number 83 of Father of the Knows Best Entitled Anniversary Event.

It originally aired on May 24, 1951.

Mother is Maxwell House really the only coffee in the room?

Well, your father says so and your father knows best.

Yes, it's Father Knows Best transcribed in Hollywood starring Robert Young as father.

The half-hour visit with your neighbors, the Anderson's, brought to you by America's favorite coffee.

Maxwell House, the coffee that's always good to the last drop.

Since the beginning of time, songs have played a vital part in the history of our civilization.

There are songs that nerve a nation's heart.

Songs have song get all divided.

There are old songs and new songs.

Gay songs and blue songs.

And then there's the song that bounces innocently about the breakfast room of a certain white frame house on Maple Street in the unsuspecting city of Springfield.

That's a mysterious type song.

And it can lead to all sorts of things like this.

I am the monarch of the sea, the ruler of the Queen's Navi.

Who's praise brother?

Good morning, dear.

Do you want me to set the table or anything?

No, everything's all taken care of.

I'll have your eggs ready in a minute.

And we are his sisters and his cousins and his aunts and his sisters and his cousins and aunts.

Mother, yes, dear.

Have you ever noticed Stanley lost his eyes?

No, but I presume he has them.

They're blue.

Oh, dear, I forgot all about the blue thread I was supposed to buy for Elizabeth Smith.

Mother, you be furious.

Mother, how can you think of thread?

That's just the point, dear. I didn't.

Morning, mommy.

Good morning, Angel. You're a bit of hurry up, or you'll be late for school.

Well, I couldn't help it, mommy.

Bugs would let me in the bathroom.

Drink your orange juice and stop blaming everything on your brother.

But he wouldn't.

You know, why?

I think he's shaving.

Never mind, Kathy.

He said he might even grow a mustache.

He did?

Betty, will you stop making those ridiculous jokes and eat your breakfast?

What jokes?

Imagine Bud with a mustache.

I didn't say anything about Bud.

Oh, you did too.

You said he was going to grow a mustache.

I said Stanley lost in mind.

Oh, him.

The bird watcher.

There's nothing wrong with being a bird watcher.

Is there, mother?

Betty, if I were you, I'd spend a little more of my time thinking about,

well, something other than Stanley lost in.

But you just don't understand.

You and father have been married for long.

You simply aren't, well, romantic.

Aren't we?

Well, maybe you are, but father certainly isn't.

He's had his moments.

Mother, how can you say that?

Last night I asked him to look at the moment.

And you know what he said?

I can't imagine.

He said he saw it last year.

Well, if he said so, he probably did.

I think daddy's very romantic.

Doesn't he kiss mommy every morning?

Never mind, angel.

Well, doesn't he?

Some kiss.

I've seen goldfish who could Betty.

But mother, if you think that's being romantic.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning.

How was the big deal for breakfast today?

Hi, honey.

Jim.

What's the matter?

Come here.

What?

Now look, Margaret.

Margaret, I...

It's Margaret's cheese.

There.

See?

Honey, what's the matter with you?

Why nothing?

Look what you've done.

You've got lipstick all over me.

Some romance.

What are you talking about?

Oh, it isn't important, dear.

Betty told mommy that she didn't talk to you.

You have to eat your cereal.

But I have to tell daddy.

You're cereal, angel.

That's much more important.

She wins.

Margaret, there isn't anything going on here that might interest me, is there?

Oh, I don't imagine.

Well, yes.

Maybe there is.

Betty said that she didn't talk to you.

Can I get your coffee, father?

Betty, sit down and let me hear what Kathy has to say.

Yes, father.

Go ahead, give me.

Well, Betty said...

Kathy doesn't have anything to say.

Do you, dear?

Don't I?

No, dear.

Daddy.

Yes, Kathy?

I don't have anything to say.

Well, at least that's a novelty.

Jim?

Yes?

Listen.

Well?

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Doesn't watch mean anything to me?

That song.

Honey, you've probably been working too hard.

Why don't you go back to bed and let everything...

Jim.

I'll get it.

You don't need something about the way that you're going to stay.

One thing at a time, dear.

Listen.

La, la, la, la...

You already saying that?

Honey.

Doesn't that make you think... anything?

Yes but I'd rather not discuss it.

Jim, I'm very disappointed in you.

I thought certainly-

At longs for you.

Thank you, dear.

We'll talk about the song when I get back.

But it'll be fine, honey.

Betty, watch this all about.

I don't know, father.

She does, too.

I don't know what the song is, and that's what father-man, isn't it?

I don't know what anything is. Why should La La La mean anything to me?

I think mother's trying to bring back something.

Well, it isn't boredom till I can tell you that.

But it helped any if you knew the words?

It might, what are they? La La La.

Kathy.

I guess not, huh?

It was, it was something about a sailor.

I think. My body lies over the ocean.

Look, if you can't do any better than that.

That's about a sailor.

Betty, you know more about songs than I do.

What could that one possibly be?

What? What? Morning, everybody.

But we're having a very serious discussion about a matter of great importance.

Had a boy. Say that.

What would you please, but I have to ask you something.

Notice anything different?

You're wearing one of my ties.

I mean something else different.

No.

You don't see anything, huh?

It was about a captain in the Navy or something.

Well, that's a big help.

How about if I hold my chin up like this?

But please.

I heard mommy singing in the song last night and it was either about a sailor.

All I know is that it has something to do with being romantic.

Not even with a light on it.

But we're talking about a song.

Oh, what song? We don't know.

And how can you talk about it?

It's not about a sailor.

It's about a man who has dozens of cousins.

What do we know?

But.

Yes, Dad?

Would you rather drink your own juice or wear it?

I'll drink it.

Go ahead.

Yes, sir.

What about the cousins, Kathy?

The man had them.

I think she's right, father.

Cousins and sisters and aunts.

Something like that.

Oh, what could that?

Oh, my gosh.

Cousin Louise.

What?

That's what your mother was trying to remind me.

I promised to buy a punchbow for Cousin Louise's wedding.

Cousin the song?

No, but all that stuff about cousins and aunts.

It's a good thing I remember.

Dad, don't you see anything on my chin, honestly?

Orange juice wipe it off.

Holy cow.

Fifteen years old, he still can't steer food into his mouth.

He has to bounce it in.

I'm awfully sorry.

That was Elizabeth Smith, and I had to explain about the blue thread.

What blue thread?

The spool I forgot to buy.

Yes.

Margaret.

Yes, dear?

About that song.

I finally got it.

I knew you would.

It was a tough fight, but I made it.

I knew you wouldn't forget.

Not my husband.

And what's more, I'm going to take care of it the second I get downtown.

You are?

Naturally.

What's the good of remembering if you don't do something about it?

Well, I guess now we know who's romantic and who isn't.

May I have a cream and sugar, please?

There you are, Dad.

Thank you.

Many what?

What's romantic about a punch bowl?

What's they put in it?

Oh!

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual.

Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird.

What is this, your first date?

Oh, no.

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We're married.

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Need a human, him to a bird.

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league anyways.

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Music

Margaret, honey, I'm home.

Hi, Margaret.

We're in the dining room, dear.

I'll be right in.

I've gone heavy as punch bowl I've ever seen.

I had a letter from your mother this morning, dear.

And she's...

Jim, what on earth is that?

Honey, the next time you want me to buy a wedding present,

will you please pick something a little easier to carry?

Did you get it, Potter?

Naturally, I got it.

I want to see it.

Move some of those dishes over, but like a good fella.

Okay, Dad.

Jim, I don't know what you're talking about.

The present for Louise.

You told me to get it, didn't you?

I went back to Gorman's and they'd sold the only one they had.

Jim.

Wait till I get the paper office thing and you'll see a punch bowl.

It's really a punch bowl.

Jim, if you'll only...

Have you go clear to plain till to get it, too?

Look me all afternoon.

There.

Oh, Father, it's gorgeous.

It's sure big.

When did they put the stuff in it?

Well, Margaret.

Jim, I've been trying to tell you I bought the one at Gorman's.

Well, the man said that.

You did.

Well, I knew you'd forget and darling, it doesn't make any difference.

But this morning you told me what are we going to do with two punch bowls?

That isn't important.

Nothing is, except that you remembered what you did this morning.

Creepers.

Honey, before it goes any further...

You didn't forget to take care of that, did you?

I...

Of course I took care of it.

Betty said you weren't romantic.

We showed her.

Didn't we?

But daddy, if you...

Ow!

What's the matter, kitten?

Betty kicked me.

Pardon me, my foot's left.

Oh dear, I think the string beans are burning.

Put the punch bowl in the dungeon.

Maybe we can take it back tomorrow.

Okay, honey.

Father, this is awful.

You know, there's only one thing I don't understand.

What's everybody talking about?

But it's a long, sad story.

But if La La La wasn't about the punch bowl, what was it about?

You know, kitten, I was just wondering the same thing myself.

Situation normal, all fouled up.

That's the Anderson's for you.

And once again, father's in the middle, wondering what it's all about.

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In fact, he's the world's greatest coffee expert.

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And tomorrow, if you'll fill his cup with the richly satisfying,

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The dinner hour has passed in the white frame house on Maple Street,

and a delicate situation is developed.

There's an air of intrigue and excitement as spies fit merrily.

Well, it really is nice to call them spies, I suppose.

When they're on our side, they're always known as counter espionage agents.

But spies or agents or whatever you choose,

the ambison living room is crawling with them like this.

Father.

Did you find out anything else?

Well, I found out a few things.

Daddy, do I get to go in next?

We'll see, Kidney.

Betty.

Why don't we just go in and ask her? That's the easiest way.

Oh, Bob.

Well, isn't it?

You know, but might have something.

But father, I practically followed the whole thing.

Well, what is it? Don't just stand there.

Mother told me that it's a date,

and you're going to take her somewhere.

Where?

I don't know.

When?

Well, she didn't tell me that.

And why?

Father, I've only been in there twice.

And you've got practically the whole thing.

Well, we just need a few little details.

Did she tell you what lala lala was?

We found that out, Kathy. It's that Gilbertan Sullivan thing.

Why don't we just go in?

Well, just a second, please. Betty, did she say what kind of a date it was?

A birthday and anniversary?

She just said that it was an important date.

Maybe it's the first of July, Kathy.

That's a date.

Why don't we just go in?

But will you please stop that?

You said maybe I had something.

If you have, I hope it isn't catching.

How far did I do?

Betty, we might as well face it. We're getting nowhere.

But father, if you could have seen how happy she looked.

I know, sweetheart.

But just knowing that you remembered is made of the happiest woman in Springfield,

you can't take that away from her.

Betty, this is a practical world and your mother is a practical woman.

We'll all just have to face it. I don't remember.

How about May 28th?

What about it?

That's a date.

Why don't you try Dramadary? That's a date too.

How about Dramadary?

Dad.

We thought of everything we could. We've tried everything we could.

Dad.

I'll just lay all of my cards on the table and explain the whole thing.

Dad.

I'll just go in and tell it.

Right now.

Dad.

What is it, bud?

Why don't we just go in?

Father, maybe if you wait.

I'm going in and get it over with.

Jump and creep first.

Daddy, I know a lot more, Kate.

Margaret's a reasonable woman.

She'll understand.

Men aren't supposed to remember things like whatever I didn't.

Jim?

Oh, still in the day, honey.

I'm just getting a few things straight now.

Are you and the children having a good time?

Well, we're... Margaret.

Yes, dear.

Look, honey, I don't want you to get upset.

Upset? Why do you, nothing, can upset me tonight?

Honey.

To think that you remembered after all these years.

But that's what I want to tell you.

You see...

I told all the girls at our bridge lunch in this afternoon.

And you've never seen such a bunch of envious females.

You told them?

They didn't believe me at first.

But that was because they didn't want to believe me.

Oh, look at what that boy did to these socks.

Margaret.

Elizabeth Smith even said I reminded you.

But I didn't, did I?

No, you...

Oh, yeah.

Of course, I did give you a hint.

But it wasn't much of a hint. Was it?

No, it wasn't much of a hint at all.

It's going to be fun, isn't it, Jim?

Yes, honey. It's going to be lots of fun.

Well, I might as well get back to the children.

Tell Kathy she'll have to get ready for bed pretty soon.

All right, honey. I'll take care of everything.

Thank you, dear.

You're welcome.

Coward.

That's what you are. Nothing but a spineless coward.

Father.

Betty, don't even talk to me. I'm ashamed of myself.

Did you tell her?

Well, no.

Oh.

But I ought to kick myself from here, peer down to the corner.

She's going to be heartbroken when she does find out.

Maybe she won't have to.

Betty, I haven't the faintest idea of what I'm supposed to remember.

And what have we got to work on?

A song about a sailor with a bunch of relatives.

A big help that is.

Daddy, how about January 16th?

You mean where was I on the night of?

I think I'll go in and try again.

No, she's liable to get suspicious.

But you go into the den and try.

Try far. Find out where I'm supposed to take your mother and when.

How do I do that?

Well, ask her leading questions like, uh...

Well, you think of something.

I will. Of course you will.

Now, go ahead.

Holy cow.

Daddy, how about June 5th?

That's a good day.

Why don't you stop that?

I'm trying it out.

Things are so clumsy.

How do I know what to ask?

Oh, hi, I'm mom.

Hello, dear.

Fixing some socks, huh?

Bad.

You don't conceal pieces of old razor blades in your shoes, do you?

Well, what I do back for.

I was just wondering.

Same mom, speaking of dates.

Where are we?

We weren't, huh?

We were speaking of socks.

Oh, well, speaking of socks, where are you and dad going to go?

Wendy!

Uh, that's what I was going to ask you next.

Oh, you mean on our special little celebration?

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Well, that's a secret.

It is, huh?

It's a special secret just between your father and myself.

It's more of a secret than you think.

What?

I mean, well, it's a pretty good secret.

Yes, sir.

But, are you and your father up to something again?

Oh, no.

I mean, you know what?

What?

What?

I mean, well, it's a pretty good secret.

Yes, sir.

But, are you and your father up to something again?

No, I mean, he just said, well, he didn't.

I mean, Betty was a...

He was going to...

No.

And Doug.

There's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual,

even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird.

What is this, your first date?

Oh, no.

We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together.

We're married.

Need a human, him to a bird.

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league anyways.

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Maybe we'd better go in and talk to it.

Okay, but it won't do any good.

He doesn't know any...

I mean, now...

It's all right with me.

Wasn't my idea in the first place.

Come along, bad.

And I told him I didn't know what to say, but they wouldn't listen.

What do they care what happens?

Jim, do you know what's been going on with these nosy children of ours?

What's that, honey?

What do you mean?

Well, first it was Betty, now it's bad.

The determined to find out what our secret is.

I didn't say anything, mommy.

I know, dear.

Margaret, let's be fair about this.

After all, we are a family.

And it isn't quite right for one part of a family to have a secret.

They won't share it with the other part.

Is it?

Well, it isn't, mother. You know it isn't.

I suppose I have been a little selfish wanting to keep it just for ourselves.

But...

All right, Jim, go ahead.

What?

You may tell him if you wish.

I may.

Well?

You know, Margaret, when you get right down to it, why should we?

That's what I said.

Father.

You want your mother, Betty?

Why don't you all go somewhere and do something?

I'll get it.

Never mind, kitten.

I'd better answer it before I...

Well, I'll answer it.

First time I've been glad to hear the phone ring in five years.

Hello?

Hey, Jim, what's the big idea?

Thank you.

You know, Don, well, we're supposed to play poker tomorrow night.

Well, who said we weren't?

Well, how can you play poker and take Margaret to see some cock-eyed show?

I'm not taking, Mark.

What?

Elizabeth said Margaret told her.

Wait a minute.

What's the name of the show?

Who knows?

Penifer, something like that.

That's it.

That's the whole thing.

What is it?

Heck, you've got to do something for me.

Call the theater.

Get the two best seats in the house.

In my name.

What about the poker game?

I'll explain the whole thing to you later.

You mean you'd rather go to a show than play poker?

Of course not, but I have to go to the show.

Will you please do as I ask?

No.

I'll call you right back.

Thanks, pal.

Penifer.

How in the world was I supposed to sailers and cousins?

Well, what did he have to want, dear?

Oh, he was about the poker game tomorrow night, but I explained to him.

Yeah, and I've forgotten all about the poker game.

It isn't important, honey.

Not when we've got something like kids.

I think we ought to tell you.

How about it, Margaret?

All right, dear, if you insist.

But father.

I've already made the reservations.

And tomorrow night your mother and I are going to see a performance of HMS Penifer.

Exactly as we did on the night we had our first date.

20 years ago.

Mother, how thrilling!

You mean this whole thing?

Holy.

There aren't many husbands who'd remember a thing like that, but your father did.

Oh, it wasn't anything, honey.

What was that, Betty?

I didn't say anything.

I thought you did.

I might have been thinking, but I didn't say anything.

Daddy!

What is it, Kathy?

If you already saw it, why do you want to see it again?

We want to see if they've gotten any new cousins.

Oh!

Well, that's probably Hector again. I'd better see what he wants.

You know, children, you have a very lucky mother.

We have a lucky father, too.

Don't tell me the age of miracles is over.

That was the closest call I've ever had.

Hello?

Jim, have I got great news for you?

Did you get them?

They're sold out!

Oh, no!

It's not always easy these days to find truly good value.

But with coffee, all you need to is remember that flavor is the reason you buy coffee.

So the coffee with the most in flavor is bound to be the best value.

And there's one coffee famous above all others for flavor, our Maxwell House coffee.

Take home a familiar blue tin of Maxwell House with a big white cup and drop.

Then brew some for the world's greatest coffee expert, your husband.

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Always good to the last drop.

At the very, very top of any good theater, you're bound to find the root.

And the Springfield Opera House is a very good theater.

Immediately below the root, however, you don't always find Jim and Margaret Anderson.

That's where they are tonight, though, in the very last row of the very top balcony, like this.

Twenty years.

Twenty wonderful years.

The long time, isn't it, honey?

Wonderful years.

Of wonderful moments in this most wonderful of all.

Margaret.

Don't say anything to you.

Just hold my hand.

But I want to explain about the seats.

Jim, please.

I'm going to cry.

Margaret, believe me, I tried.

I know you did, Angel.

I know how you must have tried, but I never expected you to remember this.

You've got the same seats we had twenty years ago.

Oh, honey.

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Join us again next week when we'll be back with Father Knows Best.

Daring Robert Young is Jim Anderson, with Laura Bargay and the Maxwell House Orchestra.

In our cast, Lerota Williams is Betty, June Whitley, Ted Donaldson, Norma Jean Nielsen,

Herb Bighren, and yours truly, Bill Formett.

You know, United States savings bonds are now defense bonds.

So contribute to the nation's security as you build for your own future.

Buy United States defense bonds regularly through the payroll savings plan or the bond-a-month plan.

Now until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House,

America's favorite brand of coffee.

Always good to the last drop.

Father Knows Best was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Ed James.

Now stay tuned in for Dragnet, which follows immediately over most of these things.

Dragnet is the story of your police force in action.

Listen on NBC.

Wow, he lucked out in every single way possible.

With that kind of luck, he needs to go to Vegas.

Please send your questions and comments to host at classiccomedyotr.com.

Until next time, in the words of Amelia Earhart,

Preparation, I have often said, is rightly two-thirds of any venture.

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual,

even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird.

What is this, your first date?

Oh, no, we help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together.

We're married.

Need a human, him to a bird.

Yeah, the bird looks out of your leg anyways.

Only pay for what you need at Liberty Mutual.com.

Um, are you stuck staring at your W2?

Our tax refund worry is holding you back.

You probably have FOMO.

The fear of messing up.

The fix?

Using turbo tax on into a credit karma.

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