Fighting on a Plane

0:00Music Pretend Problems with Chad Daniels and Kelsey Cook Hello everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Pretend Problems Podcast. I'm Kelsey Cook. And I'm Donald Glover. Oh, hey, Donald. Hi. Why are you Donald Glover? Because I got his name wrong. I couldn't think of his name in a trivia question a while back and it bugs me and I'm going to continue to just say his name out loud a couple times a day Because I was so frustrated with myself. He's so talented and it really bothered me. Yeah, child or schianbino. Yeah, I mean, I can't even tell you how many times. Is it just called America? This is America? This is America. How many times did I watch that? I mean, it's just like it's so good. So good. So creative, brilliant, all the words you want to use that get tossed around and have lost their meaning, but for this I mean it.

1:03Yeah, he's so good. I laughed pretty hard at the episode of middle of somewhere your other podcast that came out yesterday. And you were trying to think of Regis Filben's name. And he said, who's that guy? Phyllis Rubin? Well, I said Phyllis just to be silly. I don't even know if it was Rubin. It was some, it was Phyllis something. I think it was Phyllis Riddin. Okay. I don't know. There's something about. I mean, I'm just. I'm in a picture in that sweet old man who I believe passed a few years ago. Is that correct? I don't know. I don't keep track of that stuff. It hurts my heart. Okay. Anyway, Phyllis just got me. Phyllis Rubin. It just got me. Chad and I started our tours off last week and we had the first show of the tour together. Yep. Which is a first for us. We had a one, a one night stop in Aspen, Colorado. I had never been.

2:03You'd been there a long time ago. And our first night, you had landed a few hours before me. I got in around like eight or nine maybe and we were going to go find some dinner. So we're walking around downtown and it's like a small. It almost feels like a little village, but it's you know, it's these like high end stores. It's this ritzy city. And we're walking and I see this kind of figure on the sidewalk and I was like, God, that looks like a fucking bear. But your brain is just like. No, maybe the altitude's fucking with you. These are buildings. These are people walking around. It's not a bear. It's not a bear. It's like the Louis Vuitton store literally like. You're just like this, not a bear. And then at one under a street living, like, oh my God, it's a fucking bear. I've never seen a bear in my life besides at the zoo. So there's a lot of emotions.

3:03First of all, it's like, do you run? No. You don't run. Okay, remind me. Black bear get big. Grizzly bear. You get small but and move away unless they approach you, then you play dead and that like kind of sucks because I think they throw toss you around a little bit. Oh my God. Yeah, but it's better than running because guess what? They're gonna catch you. Maybe I'll just hide behind the tree. I'll send fucking swipe and you're like, it's so weird that I can see at a 360 view right now. Oh, that's because my eyeballs been cut out of my head and it's looking fucking behind me. Crazy. It's crazy. And so this bear is just lumbering down the sidewalk. And so we got our foot, we were like far enough away that I think we felt safe and we started recording. And then there's this guy, this man who's just walking down the sidewalk looking at his phone.

4:03And he looked up within what two feet of this bear. And I mean, you just all the blood left his face. Yeah, because he came out up. So there was like this shrub fence that he could not see the bear and he was walking alongside of it at a like perpendicular angle to the bear. Yes. And then turn the corner and the fucking the bear was right there and he just like slowly reinvented the moonlock. Yeah, the Homer Simpson back into the bushes. It's fun when you can see somebody shit their pants in real time and be like, okay, that's a wrap for you for your evening plans, whatever you were on your way to that's done. And then this like, I mean, she had to be my size if not smaller. This woman just starts walking up a hand the bear going, shoo, you go get and she like harassed the bear out into an alley. I was like, wow, there's some stuff going on in Aspen that I could not have prepared myself for. Well, you're in the mountains. There's a lot of mushrooms I would imagine.

5:04Yeah, people go there and they're like, I can't believe this giant cat won't come sit on my lap. And she's just like, come here kitty. The bear's like, get the fuck away from me. It's not like patchouli. Get out of here. Yeah. You're not even worth eating. Yeah, smell disgusting. I can smell your hair from a mile away, dreadlock. Back it up, please. So this was an adolescent bear. Yeah. And it was probably mid thigh on me. Okay. And then do you want to talk about the next thing? Well, so then we saw cubs. And anytime there's a cub walking around, you go, hey, I know who's looking for you. Yeah. So then I requested that we walk down the middle of the road because there were no cars. And that way, yeah, at that way, at least you can scan alleys and you're not doing that guy on the phone thing. And so we get to our street and we are a block away, but still on the other side of where we need to go. And then we're about to cross the street to get to our side.

6:06And it looks to me like the hood of an SUV moved. And I was like, what's that? And I stopped for a second and then all of a sudden appears the mama bear. Now the mama bear was up to my back fat above my hip. It's true. And when she crossed the street, we got the side view and she was a big gal. It's like a sedan. And she's looking for her cubs. So everybody needs to fucking back it up. That lady with the dreadlocks, that would have been front page news that just like we found one dreadlock. And I guess when you die, you must release some sort of toxic fume and you're like, nah, it's a dreadlock. And I don't even choose a life. Yeah, it was unlike any show experience I've ever had. We did the show at the Wheeler Opera House. And as we were about to leave the building, the security guard was like, so I'm going to need to walk out with you because a group of 10 from your show.

7:09They walked out and it was a mama bear and two cubs. And they were like getting a little too close trying to take pictures. And the mom snarled and swiped at them. I mean, that's how you fucking lose your bowels. That's how you see your intestine on the ground. Oh my god. One day you're walking out of a theater and you go, I think I'm going to be William Wallace from Braveheart for Halloween this year. And the next thing you know, it's the ending scene and guts everywhere. And you just hear freedom. And then you know that someone's been murdered by a bear. Yeah, that guy, it was so funny. He was like, that's my job, man. I just got and make sure I got the bear spray in my pocket. Hey, okay. They're living on another planet. And I was like, wow, this is the first time I have ever had a security escort after a show for bears. I mean, my god, like female comics have it very differently on the road where, you know, we've got security things.

8:11We've got to deal unfortunately with some creepy people sometimes. And I, this was a first for that security for bears, but I'm a fine piece of ass to Chubby Harry men. They love me. Chris Voth, hilarious comedian, headlines on his own all over was going to come just hang out and watch the show. And ended up being nice enough to do time and open the show. Couldn't have done better. Crushed. I kind of wish he opened for us all the time. Such a great, well, I can't do that, but it's such a, such a great setup. Yeah. And a lot of times, you know, when you've been being the last person on the show for a while, you forget what it takes to be the first person. It's a different skill set. He crushed. It was so great to see him. And so it's supposed to take like three and a half hours to get from Denver to Aspen. It took five hours and 45 minutes because there was an accident on the road.

9:14And it's the mountain. So there's nowhere to go on the road. You just have to sit till the accident's cleared. And then he showed us a video of a ram eating something out of a pothole in the road. Colorado. It's, there's some different shaker. And we've got foxes in our front yard and all kinds of stuff, but, but bears in rams. I'm still saying NFL season. NFL Sunday when the rams play the bears, I'm actually going to watch and I might bat on it. Yeah. We were told that the bears, apparently this, and this makes me so sad, they're not getting enough food up in the mountains. And so that's why they come down into the city and they go through the dumpster and stuff. And boy, the, my mom, you guys know, would feed cat food to raccoons. And I could feel that little tinge in me act up where I was like, oh, I just, I just wish we could give the bears some food. And it's like, well, that's how you lose your fun. Maybe we should order an extra meal. I wish you would have brought your salmon with you so we could give it to the bear.

10:16And I'm like, wow, this has been a really fun. I can't believe I'm going to be done being married after four days. I did have sense come back into my brain after I realized that I wouldn't want to get anywhere near, but I would have liked to just like set it out in an alley for them. Yes, I understand that. And that's also not the same. Yeah, for others, right? Yes. Like the people that have to bring garbage out to the dumpster. I know. Fucking shaking in their boots, just unbelievable, right? I know. Hair is going from treads back to regular hair shaking so much. I don't know why I'm coming over the top on treads this episode, but they stink. Yeah, so that was fantastic. And then we had some donuts. We ate so much good food, some of the best brownies of my life. And our sweet fan Delaney, whose email is the one who got cut off last episode. I will finish reading it on this episode brought us a whole goddamn wedding cake.

11:20Yes, it was so good. It was butter. I believe, right? Buttercream. Yeah. And then it said just married in the shape of a heart, two layers, three layers at the bigger part. Three, I think. It was three for sure because I remember I kept breaking it off and being like, well, there's a nice chunk of frosting. I was eating it with my hands like a fucking bear going through the dumpster. When an ass bin. That's right. That's what they say. I thought I heard that. We didn't do the cake feeding thing at our wedding because we didn't have like a full on wedding cake. We just ordered slices from the restaurant. And so we did. We did a mock. I was so close to wiping it all over her face, but I know how that would have gone. Then all of a sudden, either way, my marriage would have been over after four days. To do that to somebody who has struggled with acne their whole life is, I mean, that's how you wind up in a prison cell. Yeah, I mean, to do that to someone 17 feet away from two soap options and a sink seems pretty safe. But I'm not going to do that to you because all of a sudden it'll come up. I'm still kind of like a man.

12:21There are two types of people. Spoken like a man. Here he is. Not grown up with acne. I grew up with acne. Hold the fucking phone. We had acne when you're young. Sylvia Ellingson, my across the street neighbor, the mom who was so glorious to me up until I don't remember the last time I saw her. Five years ago, maybe. Always so lovely. Even when I was over there and she would always save me orange slices because she caught me one day going into the kitchen. She had those little like a grouch beer where you have to take the little metal piece and flip it up and then you have to unhook the lid and then the back of the lid is on a hinge. It's like it's clear with a little bit of white plastic to seal the lid. Anyway, she had orange slices in there. Like the candy and she caught me sneaking in there. Then every time she worked at the grocery store, every time I saw her after that, she would have a special bag of orange slices for me. Very lovely. That's really nice.

13:21However, the one time I went over there and she goes, you need to start washing your face. What is it with I have a joke in my eye right now about like parental figures saying. Because I really think it is. It's like you get to this trust and you get to this relationship where you go, well, if I don't tell you, who's going to tell you? You need to start washing your face. No, no, no, no, you need to start like, there was a gutter old noise that came out of this little tiny Sylvia. Oh my God. You need to start washing your face. Like almost go home and don't come back here till you've washed your face. It was almost like that. I'm going to start giving these orange slices acne. But let me tell you something. And then I started washing my face because I never had washed my face. And this must have been going into sixth grade or something, right? Catching some pubes. And so then I started washing my face and then I was told that you have to pat your face

14:27dry. You don't rub it all over. And that spreads the oil. And then a little while after everything was taken care of. But I haven't struggled with it my whole life, but I did for sure have it. How long do you think you had it more? I don't know. I mean, I got some pimples in high school like everybody else, like, but big ones. Ones that started, you know, like an iceberg where they go, you only see the top fourth of it. That were my, those are my zits. Oh yeah. Those people go, hey, I have a zit right there and they touch it. And then my whole body would almost go unconscious. Who the deep underground, the cystic acne. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. That's where I used to stick. And this was a problem too, but I would try to get them to pop so I'd stick a pin way in, way in. And then I would take my knuckles and just go get out. Way in. And never, it never does. You just have to let those in, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But who wants to do that? I know the people who are like, never pop a pimple, not it just spreads right. I'm like, I'm not going to walk around with a giant white head coming out of my cheek.

15:30Like it's, once it's time to, it's going to get popped. I can't not do it. This is going to surprise a lot of listeners because of my general disposition on this podcast. But I can't tell you how many times I looked up and yelled, there's a dance tonight, Jesus. Just furious. Like today, today. This should happen on a Monday when I'm stressed out about homework. But on Friday, when I have the weekend coming, mm-hmm. I'm 37. I still fucking back me. You came home today. I was like, don't look at my shoulder. I have a pimple. I just popped. I was like, have I not served enough time? I've had, I mean, this is for another episode. It's too long to talk about now. Don't give me, don't get me started on acne. But anyway, thank you for not rubbing frosted on my face because you would be surprised. You'd think, oh, well, they're so bright. They're saying, nope, it's too late. And suddenly that even touches the skin. In the pores and that's done. That's my next week. Well, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that. That felt sarcastic.

16:32No, it's just why I didn't do it. I knew you had to do that. I know not to touch your face after you wash it because a lot of times, you know a lot of couples, at bedtime, you will take your partner's face in your hands and you will slowly guide it over and gently and I mean gently kiss their lips. And if I did that, there would be some sort of move you see on Instagram on a fight account where they go, here's what you do. You take your hands and put them in a prayer, bring them up towards the sternum and then spread them out, taking the hands off your face. Then you can either uppercut, uppercut, dick punch, throat jab, whatever you need to do. And it's like some Navy SEAL telling you how to kill someone. You're like, I don't even, fuck, slow down. Shoulders first move again. It's crazy. I do love when you take my face in your hands to kiss me, but not right after I wash my face because that's then.

17:33Yeah, we have to be in a cold room. I have had to just wash my hands and I have to dry them with a hair dryer to make sure no oil from a towel gets on them or God forbid a scent from a dryer sheet or any fucking thing like that. And then I have to slowly, I have to take you with just my fingertips. Yeah. It's the craziest thing in the world. If you're an actor, you're prone person listening right now, you know, you know it becomes like just every day is the OCD of how do I not get more acne? Yeah, I understand that, but you need to understand that I only have so much RAM. So my daughter, Olivia, was like, are you going to come out to California for my birthday and I said, when's your birthday? And she said in February and I said, what day? And she said the 17th, she goes, are you kidding right now? And I go, no, do you know how much shit I have to remember about not giving Kelsey acne that I've had to take all that information in and I have had to lose a bunch of shit

18:37I used to know. I got lost on the way home today. You're a fool. You're a fool. You're a fool. So, I mean, we're in such a jovial mood right now. It's really nice. I'm really soaking up every second of it because who knows, and we're going to have a travel day to each other again. So Chad and I, we don't travel together that often, especially compared to like how often we travel apart. And some travel days together are so wonderful where it like, look, can I start this? Yeah. Is that okay? Yeah. Okay. I just want to say first, first and foremost, that we both travel a lot and I believe we are very good individual travelers. Yes. I think because of that, we travel so much that we have our ways of doing things and we have our styles. You like to sit when you wait for the plane. I know we're going to be sitting for three hours on the plane. So I like to stand and you don't necessarily appreciate that. And so I'm just saying like we have our own way of doing things.

19:44Yeah. Okay. And so then sometimes when you travel together and you go, oh shit, this isn't how I do things. Right. Although that didn't have anything to do with the fight unless you had been silently in the bed. No, no, no, but I think it does exacerbate other situations. Totally. That makes sense. And you're like usually not sleeping as well the night before a flight. You, I mean, especially on a flight home, you've been traveling. You're not sleeping in your own bed. In Aspen, the altitude was so crazy. I woke up feeling actually hung over the first night. I looked on my ororing. The lowest my heart rate got that first night of sleep was 68, which is like my walk and around. That's like I hope for a 58 lowest heart rate. Right. 68 is very high for me. Now I want everyone to know I felt her twitch a little bit and I got in there. And that was probably the 68 because I'm still on my honeymoon. Oh my god.

20:45I'm still on my honeymoon. Anyway. Anyway. So I was not sleeping very well. You had not been sleeping very well. Correct. Then we traveled together and we got into a little argument on the first fight. We got into a little argument on the plane. And this was our first of two flights for the day when we got into an argument. And then it becomes okay. Are we going to just give each other the silent treatment through the rest of this travel day until we walk in the front door and have like our own space to then have an actual discussion about the fight or are you going to try and find like a nook or cranny in the airport? Yeah. To because you can't do it on the plane. No, I can do whatever. I always leave it up to you because I'm a Swiss army knife.

21:45I can fight loudly right next to our gate. We'll probably get free shit. I don't care. I cannot talk to you for seven straight hours. If that's what the situation calls for, I can just find shit to do and do it. Okay. And I think it depends on the day. Sometimes it's like we're just like whatever. If it's a short flight and then we're going to be home, it's like, okay, maybe we can just get through until we get home. But this was a, we then got to our layover, found out our next flight was going to be delayed. What was it? An hour or two hours, something like that. And at that point, as soon as they made that announcement, that's when I turned you, I was like, do you want to not talk to each other because we're annoyed at each other until we get all the way home or do you want to go find somewhere in the airport to talk this out? Sure. And you're like, we can go find somewhere. And so we go. We went to like an area of a gate that had very few people around it. We had a little whisper fight.

22:47I want everyone to know that if you saw Kelsey yelling at me during this fight, picture a manager yelling at an umpire on mute, you cannot turn it on during work hours because there might be cursing. That's, I bet you what it looked like because a lot of people were watching us because as you were yelling at me, I was kind of just like looking around. No. Yeah, they were just watching, right? And that's why I stayed super calm and just looked like I was getting thrashed. Yeah, right. Truth be told. Oh my God. Okay. Well, so here's the thing. So yeah, my back was to the people. Yeah. And so I would like occasionally, like, I'm usually like, I'm maybe looking at us. But when you yell, you approach, your feet don't move, but your face gets closer to me. So you lean in, but then in order to counterbalance, you have to throw your arms behind you. It looks like Superman's trying to fly for the first time. And I think that's what got a lot of people's attention. They're like, what was this fucking lady doing? Okay, foot planch.

23:47What a weird thing. So they have those like lactation stations in the airport. Can we not get like a fucking shouting booth? Can't we get a couple's brawl? Let them have some privacy in a small space, a small soundproof space. So they don't have to be awkward the whole rest of the travel day. You know what I'd like? What? Like a money tornado booth? Oh, yeah. Except just one thing flies around like Harry Potter and you whoever grabs it wins the fight automatically. I would love that. You would see so many people getting checked into the glass and just like their face up against it, cheeks mushed. Yeah. I'd love that. That'd be awesome. Let's bring it up to the committee. Yeah. I was talking about it with our friends Ben and Ali and I was like, do you guys get into

24:50fights on travel days? And they're like, oh, my, of course, it's like, it's just a more stressful day. And I was saying to them, like, isn't it annoying that there's no, there's like no good place to have an actual discussion about it without a bunch of people around. So anyway, we did the best we could in the area that we were in. I keep looking over my shoulder. I mean, there are cameras all over the airport, of course. I'm sure every security agent had just like popped popcorn and was like, let's fucking, they can hear everything. I'm sure they have whatever they do to zero in on sound that for sure heard a whole fight about fucking pets. And then I, because I would look over my shoulder and I didn't see people looking and I told myself, nobody, nobody saw that. And then I get a comment on Instagram the next day from a guy that's like, that was a crazy second flight, huh? I almost came up and said something to you guys, but I didn't.

25:52And I was like, God, damn it. I'm glad you saved that and didn't tell me that. And I'm like, look at it. This is very rare. This is very rare. This is very rare. I was like, was he somebody that was like really close to us? Could he hear a whole fight? I don't know. Who cares? Were you good to be human beings? I know. You got to fucking dance monkey. No thanks. Well, I know. It's just, and we're, look, we've sat on here before. I am grateful that when we do have arguments that you guys comment and say, hey, thanks for like being real and it's nice to see not just like the Instagram version of a couple. But it's, I still don't enjoy, like if I had my preference, I would not have a fight with you in public. I might start them on purpose now. No hush. I just, I also feel, I don't know if this is like age or just where we're at in our relationship.

26:52I hate a wasted day with you. I hate having an argument in a setting that makes it hard to like immediately squash it. And then you're just like for hours, you're just weird. You're not talking to each other or your what? No you. No you. That is like someone who married an old person. I hate every wasted minute. You get married in your 20s. You're like, fuck it. Come back when you're ready to be a normal person. You asshole. And I'm like, I just, we need to get to the bottom of it. You don't have much time. I say that in my act. I know. It didn't need to take, maybe we could have someone take our picture when we're fighting. So I have it just in case it's the last one. That's what that's literally what I say at the end of a joke I ever know about us fighting. It was just like, you don't have all the time in the world. I don't fucking figure it out. Anyway, yep. But I appreciated that you, a little ways into our fight, you were like, you know what?

27:59I'm in such a bad mood. I like, we shouldn't even be having this right now because like, I'm in this sort of mood. That's just like, this isn't going to go as well. And I appreciate it. I feel like you're getting really good at being able to be like, you know what? Like now is not the time. Even like regardless of the fact that we're at an airport gate, it's also not the time because I haven't slept. And I'm starving. And our first flight was delayed. And that's just, I thought we're going to be home at, we're supposed to land at 4.45. We ended up landing at eight. And then you had only the next morning. And I had to go the next morning and had a bunch of shit to do. I was hungry. I slept like shit in Aspen. I mean, I don't know how people do that. I don't either. Obviously you get used to it at some point, but yeah. But anyway, I was just a lot. It was just a lot. And they didn't know.

29:00So if a plane is broken, no problem, right? Maybe don't have us get on if you know it's broken. Or maybe you thought you could fix it. And that's why we were boarding. And then we get off the plane. And then nobody knows anything. And then we go, well, we just talked to someone and they still don't know. And it's like call headquarters. Call the people with the planes that know where all the planes are. I mean, you have to be ready for something like this. That's like when we land and they go, hey, everybody, we're just waiting on a gate agent to bring the, whatever it's called, the jet bridge over to the door. And you're like, how do they not know we were coming? Tell them to get the fucking Delta app and look at our arrival time because we've been in the air for three hours, they had three hours to get ready. And I know they're doing other shit, but chop, chop, motherfucker. Truly. And then we got on the next plane and we sat on the tarmac for one hour.

30:00And then they came on and they go, hey, sorry about this. You guys, there's a weight differential issue. Okay. Number one, again, if you have to fix a problem before we go up in a metal tube, do it. But also first day loading a fucking plane, I doubt it untied airlines. I mean, for Christ's sake, this is already a long day. And you fucking put too much luggage on the left side. Get out of here. I know. I mean, for real. Yeah. I just don't get it. And also there are people on the plane. How do you know like how much everybody weighs? I know. That's crazy to me. Yeah, it fucking flies sideways, motherfucker, but get me home. I'm hungry and I'm grumpy. I need sleep and food and. Yeah. Yeah. And of course. Okay. I don't mean take care of all of that. So you're worried about fighting and being like, we don't have much time.

31:03I maybe have like nine boners last. So I can't be fucking wasting them by myself. It's so funny. So also really quick, before we do trivia, I found out that I'm doing the first pitch at the twig. On Monday, some of the time we record next, I will have done it. And I want you guys to think all of your good thoughts that I don't throw it like 50 cent. I want you to just, yeah, envision me throwing a fucking smoker down the middle. That's what I'm hoping for. Also, you've heard of the band three doors down. Well, four cabins down, Amy, dropped off such a nice gift. Oh my God. So nice. And it was like the card was so funny because it was just all of these things we had talked about on the podcast, like your color palette, getting married, pets, like all of this.

32:07If you're so intricate and so well done. At first, it scared me because it was just hanging on the door knob and I'm like, who has found us? Because it said Kelsey on the card and I was like, who the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a scary feeling. And but it was just a lovely neighbor and a big fan and just like, they're such a great family and so supportive and everything. So thank you so much, Amy, for the cat game and for the beautiful tote bag. I was so sweet and I just I appreciate it very, very much. Anyway, we'll have a twins game update. But now this is so fun. Now we will both have grown out the first fiddle of a twins game. What a life. No kidding. And NFL's Tarts this week. Pretty great. Cannot wait. Okay. We're going to do some trivia and then we will do some, some tour dates and some listener questions because you know we've got some listener questions to make up for. From the last episodes technical difficulties.

33:09That's right. What character says I think I've been impaled after being stabbed by an icicle in the movie Frozen? I am the only human on the planet who has not seen the movie Frozen. I'm going to say Elsa or Olaf. We're trying. Olaf. Elsa? Olaf. Yes, I got it. I just know some of the characters names from Emmy, but he's the snowman. Yes. And so to get stabbed by an icicle. Very funny. Very. What kind of animal this is a boomer card? What kind of animal was Clyde? One of the stars of Clint Eastwood's every which way but loose. Arangatang. Yes. Nice. Who played Rhoda Morgan Stern on the Mary Tyler Moore show and then in the spin off bearing her name? No idea. Valerie Harper.

34:09Great. One she's by the way so funny. Such a great sitcom actress so so so funny. Once famous, now infamous, who loved the NFL and rushing yards four times during the 70s? OJ Simpson. Warren Thalgey Simpson. That's correct. His girlfriend during the trial, my first kiss. In sixth grade, Christie Prody. That's true. The girl he was dating during the trial, her name is Christie Prody. Her brother grew up in Fergus Falls and she came there in sixth grade to live with them because I guess it's like going to school in the city's area and getting in trouble. And it was like an accidental, it's this game at a Halloween party where you both have to bite. You both have to eat an apple that's hanging. Yeah. And then someone pushed the apple and then we like brushed lips and everyone was like, they're kissing. Everyone stop. They're kissing.

35:10And we were like, we're not just someone pushed the apple and everyone was like, no, no, do it again. That's a crazy six degrees of separation story. Yeah, truly. What the fuck? Mm hmm. Whatever we with him. Yeah, I don't know. Jerry Foggin, Leonard. Oh my god. Such YouTube creator created a photo app that gives each picture a disposable camera effect. I don't know. David Dobrik. You don't know that. I don't know that. You don't know that. I don't know that. Oh, that was a hard one. Gen Z. Hard. In the 1969 classic True Grit, who portrayed US Marshall rooster Cogburn? True Grit. I don't, I'm just going to say John Wayne. That is correct. Wow. Working for Franco-American when he invented their signature product, Donald Gerkey, was known as the Daddy-O of what pasta product? Spaghetti-Os? Yeah, the Daddy-O fuck off. That's crazy.

36:10Give it to me. They did. In the question. Who played the lead role in the record-breaking Netflix original, The Queen's Gambit? Oh, boy. She's real talented. And she then went on to play, oh my God. Mad Max. She was the main character. I don't know what her name is though. Anya Taylor Joy. Yeah, she's really good. Sorry, Anya. Fucking Donald Glover. No, she's listening. What is the name of the fictional town in SpongeBob Square Pounds? I don't know. Bikini Bottom. Which Disney Channel actress is also famous for her songs Wolves and lose you to love me? Ooh. Demi Lovato. Selena Gomez, that's a good guest though. Dang it. That's a good guest though. Okay, we're gonna do some tour dates. And listen to questions. Oh.

37:10I'm gonna be an Indianapolis this weekend. At Helium, please come out. And then I'm going to Portland next weekend, Addison, which is outside of Dallas the weekend after that. And then I go to Cincinnati and Atlanta and then Chad and I go to Europe for our honeymoon tour. Basically, we're doing Dublin, London, Paris and Amsterdam. I cannot wait to do that. I'm so fucking excited. Then we come back and started in November. I am at Akmi and Minneapolis. Two of those shows are already sold out. They're going fast. Please grab a ticket if you want one. Yeah. Des Moines, Chicago, Irvine and Denver, Kelsey Cook dot com for tickets. I'm gonna be in Cincinnati this weekend. Then her most of beach, California, Irvine, then starting October, Chicago, Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, East Providence. And then I'm going to London. I'm going to France and I'm gonna squirt on Kelsey's underpants. Sorry, Kathy. Oh. And then we're gonna be, so whatever else she said, Richmond, Virginia in November, Virginia

38:11Beach, Oklahoma City, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Springfield, Missouri, then in December, Atlanta, Albuquerque, Spokane, Washington. Come on out to the shows. Please. And you know what? Fucking buy tickets early. So I don't have to ship my pants all the way up until the week of. Agreed. I mean, listen, do whatever you want with your money. I'm just kidding because nobody knows what's gonna happen tomorrow, but I get it. I do get it, but I also would like the security. I second that. Please. Also, if you have not yet, please remember, go watch my new Netflix special Happy Hour. Do it. Thank you, thank you. Okay, so just to finish Delaney's email from last episode, that was titled Netflix Special Release Day. She also said, again, congratulations on your new marital bliss. Congratulations on your special Kelsey. And since you got Shifu, when all of this exciting stuff happened, I hope for no diarrhea when you return from your travels. That is a really wonderful wish for us and one that we can use often.

39:13Have an entire year for a little bit. Pretty good. Ella Bell, see you in a couple of weeks. Since you're the Delaney PS chat, I am Delaney's Delights that made you cookies and Denver. I will happily take a request for Aspen. And you've I don't think we gave a request. We didn't. But man, like looking back, I don't know that I would have requested anything better than what she made. No, it's so good. Whatever. I mean, I could have eaten that forever. I know. It was perfect. Yeah. So moist. Okay. This one is called Sleep Apnea Email. That one really, we got so many emails about that guy who was just like, yeah, yeah. Let me, I got to pause you. So then in Aspen, we also, after we got back from walking back to the hotel from the venue, then we went out again and we went to like this private club because our friend Jeff, his

40:17sister Kelly, runs this place out there and offered us like, come in and get a drink, come in and get dessert, like all of this amazing stuff. And so I'm eating this cake, knowing I'm going to get dessert and then still go get, which by the way, there were bears up in trees. It was this place is the fucking Wild Wild West. But anyways, also had a great time there. So it's like, man, we just had a, it was nonstop once we got to Aspen. It was so great. Okay. So this is titled Sleep Apnea Email. They say, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Cook. Winky face emoji. Thank you. First off, congrats on the wedding guys. Thank you. So happy for you to next congrats on top five on Netflix. That's incredible. Thank you. I just randomly let it play while I was doing stuff at the house all week, but I've seen it. So that's all for today. Thank you. Thank you very much for doing that. Excuse me. Hold on one second. I don't know if you can tell that my cat is basically trying to be a parrot and all of

41:17her dander is cascading down my throat. I really love the football dance joke and the story about how you helped the game go over time. Humped. Yeah. Interesting choice of words. Sure did. That's what we wanted. The main reason I'm writing the sleep apnea guy that falls asleep, driving, etc. Bro, get checked yesterday in all caps. He 100% has sleep apnea. Everything in the email, especially not resting while particularly sleeping on his back, are leading signs. I've been on a by-pap, which is a step above a CPAP since 2009. And mine has actually improved enough because I've lost a bunch of weight, especially in the last year, but it's still there. Congratulations. But yeah, dude needs to get checked so he doesn't check out early. Can't wait to see you guys on the road soon. Katie and I send our congrats on everything best. This is Jim. Yes. Mr. B. Jim, thank you. Almost said the full name and then I was like, man, I don't know if that's what we're doing here. But congratulations. Number one on the way lost and hope to see you and Katie out.

42:22And yeah, no shit get checked. That's wild. I know. I know. I think that's the one about the guy who was driving. It was. Yeah, the guy that was a limo driver. Yes. I think he was bringing someone to the Mayo Clinic. What a weird thing. I'm trying to live and he's like, I'm going to bed. See you. She's like, take my appointment. Okay, this one is titled Not Mad, Just Disappointed. And this is so epic. I have to show you this picture when it's done. Hello, Kelsey and Chad. And by the way, the picture is epic, the email and the things that happened very much opposite of that. Just let me be clear about that. Hello, Kelsey and Chad. Congrats on the marriage. We love listening to your podcast. Thank you. Thank you. Check. Thank you. My husband and I have seen Chad's show two different times and we were at Kelsey's Happy Hour Comedy Special. Wow. Thank you. We have tickets to her next show in November.

43:22Well, my next show. Not everything has to be equal. Are you a great grandma? Have you put yours on sale yet here? No, I was just kidding. I was just easy. My husband Christopher emailed your podcast the same night of the show when we came back from it and you read what he wrote on the show. Oh, great. We bought your sign Not Mad, Just Disappointed. I thought it was funny. It's been in my key Rio ever since. I thought about bringing it to my classroom. Then our 17 year old daughter, come and, come and deert it and the car. Last Thursday night, I got the call all parents dread when their child begins driving. Our daughter had been driving for about a year now. She was heading to a football game to cheer. She was driving the speed limit because she checked since she was going down a hill. Just as she entered the intersection, green for several seconds while driving the speed limit of 50, another car took a left into the intersection. My daughter saw it coming, slammed on the brakes and swerved. The other car slammed into hers. Multiple airbags deployed in the car. She crawled out on the passenger side and called me.

44:22She walked away from this with minimal injury. I believe firmly her angels were protecting her. We are so grateful. The police officer said had she not been a focused driver, it would have ended badly. The driver happens to the other driver. The driver and her friend also walked away with minimal injury. We are grateful for their families. She's been through a bunch of emotions over the past few days. She feels bad for the girl that hit her because she knows she's dealing with the trauma of hitting her. That's a very sweet girl. No kidding because guess what? I don't have any of that right now. I'm like, when does that fucking person go to prison for not paying attention? She misses the car. It was a great car. She is grateful. She is not injured severely. She's frustrated that we have to figure out a car situation when the car was paid off and how to pay for it because someone was distracted. She dislikes Minnesota's no fault insurance. For real. What a stupid like of course it's. There's somebody's. Yeah, yeah. Of course it is. We have told her that she is the only thing that matters.

45:24A car is replaceable. She is not. True. We went to the to a lot to collect her things. She pulled the sign out of the car and said, this is how I feel. I looked and there she is holding this. Look at her face. It really is like, I am showing you an emotion on a cardboard stick. And that's really how she feels where she's like. Of course. Yeah, you can tell. Actually like not that angry about it. She's just disappointed in this girl which is such a nice thing to feel. Or really just disappointed in the whole thing. Yeah. That's specifically the girl. But yeah, that sucks. Obviously that girl shouldn't go to prison. But God damn it everybody. Pay attention. Please. Yeah. I'm going to. Be nice and pay attention. I will send this picture to Justin to include in the in the YouTube version. If you want to see it, but yeah, that picture was pretty epic. Yeah, you're right. Be nice and pay attention for sure. Okay. Her name is Rio and she's nothing on the thing.

46:25Oh, that's really nice. Okay. It was. You always think I'm joking. Well, I do when I have sing. You know that one of my biggest pet peeves is a high pitched half singing hum. Yeah, but you have. And now my nephews have started doing it. And I love them. They got to dive it in. You know, but you have a beautiful voice. So even when you're joking, you know what my sister said? I go, what's he doing right now? Why is he doing that? And she goes, I don't know. Maybe he's self-regulating. And I go, okay. Is that like an excuse for when psychopaths carve letters into women's chests before they bring them down to the basement? And she goes, what? And I go, exactly. Tell them to stop doing that, please. Well, you can't and not everything can be. Well, he's got some stuff and this is how he deals with it. Well, I have some stuff too. And my stuff is, I don't want that stuff. Okay. I want to read one more about this sleeping while driving thing.

47:27Okay. And then I think that'll probably be the most emails we take about that. We'll do a wrap up on that part. This is titled Sleeping While Driving Danger. Hello to the newlyweds. I am right about the guy who was driving for extended periods while sleeping. It is possible. I was driving from Milwaukee to Minneapolis on 94 about 30 years ago. I drove past a sign that showed black river falls was 30 miles away. I remember feeling very drowsy. Next thing I knew, I was lifting my chin off my chest to see I was driving past that exit. Yeah, but like chin on the chest. That means his head's down. He's not even looking. And it's 30 years ago. So I would imagine this is before like lane assist on it. I don't know. I guess I don't know when like lane assist on your control. Is it signed you on? No. Okay. A week later, I was getting on I 94 at highway 30 in Maple Grove. Next thing I knew, I was on the exit to Weaver Lake Road. Those extras were about two miles apart and I had zero recollection.

48:29Less than two weeks later, I had a sleep study to see if I had obstructive sleep apnea. It revealed I have severe obstructive sleep apnea. Yeah, no shit bro. 30 miles. I'm not even a doctor. Good at fix. Well, I don't I just don't understand how you're sleeping. See I don't think it is sleeping. It cannot be sleeping because people that are sleeping sleeping go in the ditch. Yeah. Or the rumble strips wake them up. Right. Or whatever it is. I think there has to be some sort of checking out. Like when we as humans, when we sleep, right, we came from monkeys or for those of you who you get it. Right. We came from monkeys and or a rib and the ribs and the monkeys, their brains when they're up in a tree, only half of their brain sleeps at once. Because they have to be sort of almost like a parents brain.

49:32Right. Like I talk about this when Isaac came home from the hospital, my sleep changed forever. And so half of your brain is sleeping and then half of your brain is up. And so you can like that's why I tell you like it feels like I'm always up. But it's it is a defense mechanism from when we were monkeys or ribs. And so just imagine you're going like, man, we're. Wow. Do I have a great comedian for you? So I make myself laugh sometimes just watching you panic. But anyway, so I'm wondering then if that can be the case where half of your brain is out and you're just not remembering the drive. And then you come to because I have done that for several miles where I just go, oh, fuck. Don't feel like I was paying attention there. But no one's in front of me. I'm on the road still. Yeah.

50:33And it's like several miles. This is back when I had to like drive overnight to get back to the kids. But so I think it's possible that 30 miles seems like a lot. Yeah. I'm not saying I don't believe them. I'm saying I could just seems like a lot. And then taking your chin off your chest, you would be looking down. But I don't know, man, that's like. Because I've had friends that have fallen asleep at the wheel and they they're in the ditch, like rolled over in the ditch. Yeah. So Kanye West, jaw wired shut. That's good. Just a shoot back. Yeah. For real. We only recently found out. Pretty crazy. Okay. They came in. Sorry, guys. One on one second. Okay. This is a preview into what it's like to sleep next to me, poor Chad. Yeah. No. Half my brains not sleeping. They came in after 90 minutes and woke me up to put on a CPAP machine. The technician said they normally give the patients three hours before putting them

51:35on it. However, I had stopped breathing 46 times in the first hour for an average of 50, 50 seconds each time. Do the math and you will realize that it was terrifying to watch me sleep. Oh, my chest is tight thinking about this. The next day they did a nap study. Why do I have a feeling like that one horribly? They have you lay down for 20 minutes, two hours after waking up. Most people should not be able to fall asleep in less than 15 minutes. People with narcolepsy will fall asleep sooner than 15 minutes. They repeat the test every two hours for a total of three nap attempts. I fell asleep all three times in an average of 90 seconds. Then when I was significantly narcoleptic, I was medicated to keep me from being a danger to myself or others while driving. I have no longer narcoleptic as my brain chemistry and function has changed over time. Wow. Amazing. That's really, really great. Derek needs to see a sleep specialist now. Was it Derek? I thought it was like a Garrett or something. You see if I can find it. He is clearly having sleep related issues that are very dangerous.

52:37Thank you for your time, BJ. BJ, thanks for writing in. What was it? I don't know. I'll try to find it. Anyway, you know who you are. If you wrote in and your name is not Derek, you know who your name is. I didn't think it was. I thought it was something. There was a guy named Clint. I feel like that maybe was it. Or maybe he was the other one. That could be. Maybe it's for Derek. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. We have time to read one more. Okay. Do we? Hustle. Okay. Do you not want to? I have eight minutes before I have to be in the other Zoom room. Let's do it. Okay. We'll do it quick. This is titled Holiday Anticipatory Grief Continuation. Hey, Chaden Kelsey. It's your buddy Brandon. Say that name. Say that name. I wrote you just before the holidays talking to about my dad and how he's had COPD, asthma, and emphysema, and my mom and sister are always fighting. Well, here we are.

53:38My dad passed away on July 16th. So sorry. My sister and I are talking to my mom again. My sister and mom are talking again more and more, which is what my dad wanted. We sadly did not make it to see him in time. He passed away at 1015. We got there at noon. He was still warm and in a nice hospice facility. I had my cry and said, my goodbye, even though he was already gone. I know that was one thing I told you. I'd been living with that anxiety for 14 years of what I make it there in time, and I didn't. In fact, my sister is the only one that was in the room. Here's why I'm writing. I've been swamped between working somewhat in the entertainment industry and on my degree. I just landed home from LA from the live-action Wanna Premier when I got the call about my dad. Between that and getting a second chance in life to get my degree, I've been hyper-focused. Am I a shit person for not being more sad about my dad? I'm sad. Don't get me wrong, but I feel like I should be absolutely broken and I'm not. I know they say grief comes in waves and when you least expect it, but it's so fresh, just two weeks, I feel like I shouldn't be this with it. But I've also been so busy with work and school and I honestly feel relieved about not having

54:40that anxiety on a daily basis for 14 years. Am I a horrible person? Thanks again, as always for your advice. You're both playing the same weekend in Indy and Sinci, so I'm playing on scene Kelsey Friday night and coming to see Chad and Sinci on Saturday night. That's so nice of you. Okay, this is from Brandon. Brandon, thank you so much for writing in. Man, I feel like I have heard this so often where there's no right way to grieve. And every person's grief process is so unique and so different. I think the fact that you have been grieving your dad for 14 years, that's a very, very long time. And I think that sort of grief looks very differently than somebody who loses their parent unexpectedly. So I think also sometimes when people are extremely busy at the time of a loved ones passing

55:41or they're like really throwing themselves into work, it's a survival tactic. And it's a coping mechanism and it's just like sometimes your brain cannot handle all of the feeling at once. And it's like, you know what? I'm going to focus on this stuff and I'm going to let parts of this grief in in increments that I can handle. And I just, I of course do not think you're a horrible person. I think that this is like a very specific situation. And I'm sure you will be grieving your father in some way the rest of your life. You know, it's not a race. There's not anything that it's like you have to feel a certain way at a certain time. Yeah, I think maybe you've been grieving throughout the whole thing. Yeah. You know, either that or the other shoes about to drop and you're about to get your ask kicked, which either way you got to let that in. You can't push it aside because it's, you know, grief is going to keep coming for you.

56:43I think about what you say about your mom sometimes about it feels like a train is about to hit you. And then all of a sudden it doesn't hit you. And so then you have to line back up on the tracks for the train to hit you again. And maybe, and I'm not saying for you, and I'm not saying for you, but maybe there comes a time where you step onto that track and you go, fucking hit me. I am so sick of this. You're fucking hit me already. And maybe that's not an emotion you will feel forever. And maybe if you say that, then you feel bad and there's some guilt with it. I don't think you're a bad person at all. I think you are doing whatever you're doing right now is exactly what you should be doing. I also think that your sister being the only one in the room is a little suspect. I talked to her about that. Knowing that you wanted to be there, but we don't have to, I don't want to start a family fight. We can talk to your mom and see if she can get some answers. But man, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad and we wish you the best and grifle calm.

57:50It's not going to miss you. So either you've been dealing with it and it's been dragging you and you just haven't known because you're used to it or it's still coming. But like I said, either way, don't push it away. Grab it, embrace it, deal with it. That's it. Yeah. All right, you guys. Thanks for being here and write into pretend problems podcast at gmail.com. If you have an email, if you want advice, if you've got thoughts on what we're talking about, please write in and go watch Happy Hour in Netflix and go see us on the road. Yeah. Akiyari across the street. Mm-hmm. See that vibrato. I love it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

59:01Mm-hmm.