Figuring Out the Opposite Sex

0:001992 Then our from Mars woman are from Venus came out and hit Oprah, but every couple on earth was like oh, we're not crazy Want the fun part it became a best-selling nonfiction book for the entire decade the entire decade Was not that guy Gary? Oh, no, I want to read it. Yeah, we should go back and read We should have a book club and see if it's like if it's relevant in 2025 what how many years in 1990? Oh my god, we need to read it. Wait, tell me about chapter one. Oh, I can get my my coals notes Hello, you know, we were talking about not has this thing about Billy Bob Thornton and she really likes him Oh, you don't like him. You like sorry. You like post mom. I don't just like post mom By the way, I'm just saying I think a lot of people are attracted to Billy Bob Thornton and I understand being attracted to like a like a gross guy

1:03I mean Angelina and Julie married him She's like a you she was she I feel like was a unique character and like married But a lot of women just like like I mean marrying someone and but I can never be Like a skinny, you know how like the skinny rockers. Yeah skinny bottoms. Yeah, I can't do skinny I take there's a lot of people like that. I know and people like that Thank God because we all like different things for different things So this one is like kind of on that because You know, it's really complicated when you are when Everyone like something different so you're like oh some people like skinny jeans some people have a vibe for someone who plays guitar Some people love facial hair some people love bald heads So we had done a previous previous previous you were we did up we had did a previous podcast on um like relationships and um why women and men are married

2:07What's that about but this one they're like actually there's a bigger problem and It's what men think Is Helping that will lead to desire and to us wanting them, but it's just a big fuck you Now I'm not sure why people don't talk about this more like I don't know why that this topic is such a taboo topic Because you're not going to go to your friends and be like so well you and I do but you're not going to go to your friends and talk about It's not a general conversation like you're not going to go to the hockey ring can talk about what killed the desire I I yes and but I also think that is if people get into the conversation about Desire then we might conclude how odd it is that women and men are supposed to be together I was watching a movie last night And they they they were like it's been 30 years and when she died yeah, he was like up like a like an actual part of him

3:07was like Like You know it was half the man he was without her okay lovely, but then He's they encourage him to go into a grieve like counseling thing yeah, and There was a woman who was lesbian. Yes, and she had lost her love. Yes. Did they get together? No, no but she was so much She wasn't half the shell that she was ah and I feel like a lot of men You know, he didn't know how to do anything like he didn't know where the charger for the computer was He didn't know how to pay the water bill So like a lot of what that's a lot of women though too. It's kind of tricky. Yeah, that is a lot of women That's the thing is that you rely on somebody when you say you're half the person you were It's because you actually have relied on this person to be your partner in life, but like Is it really your heart and your love? Or is it convenience? Yeah, the things that you needed from the we when we talk about how love is like needing things from each other too But I think that if people really get into the conversation too much

4:10We'll conclude that the way society is Maybe worked a really long time ago, but Kind of weird now I Hmm It's weird that men and women aren't taught about men and women It's weird that men aren't different talk about women and it's weird that men aren't that women aren't taught about men Yeah, that's weird and I and I feel like to my children sometimes I'm talking about the opposite sex And I'm like Okay, so part of that is that person's that way But part of that is that person is the opposite sex of you and that's what they're like and that part of them is never gonna change I wonder what universal traits are men and women. Huh do you want me to ask that before we get to mixing? What? Is because people do say like they're incompetent in the like with chores and stuff is men But that's not our experience. Yeah. What do is it a trait? What is a universal

5:11And I would also think that like women seem to be in general so much better at multitasking um, oh yes um but Yeah, but that's hard in a relationship because you know in the first part in let's say the first couple years You think you don't see those things But like men and women are very different. Okay They are and you're blinded in the first couple of years and then after because of attraction because of attraction It's like a puppy mint. Yeah, it's like the puppies are so cute and babies are so cute You fall in love with them so you can build the connection for long term and then what I think like it's Okay, ready a few strip boy culture, um hormones, um personality childhood in all of the chaos of adult life there's one general universal pattern that shows up across almost every study every therapist office and every married couple's kitchen table

6:11Wait, is this the same thing that a man and a woman both experience? No have women seek connection. Oh men seek stability Which makes so much sense So men want consistency and stability women want an emotionally available man with connection show me some of those Here's what this means in real life women are wired to monitor the emotional we're talking relationships I'm gonna have to go actually personality traits, but women are wired to monitor the emotional temperature of the relationship men are wired to monitor whether things are fine and predictable So they want a robot Women are always seen where we are emotionally are we good like what's happening within the family Women tune in to how we're doing men tune into What's wrong? women

7:13Often feel the emotional shifts men don't like the shift so they're just like Let's like they don't like the feelings of things changing women feel secure when they're emotionally close men feel secure when things are calm steady and not full of drama Now I'm gonna go step further and this is general Totally general that women Men are more basic in their interactions and I would say that more men don't know how to read The room the same as women So when we might have a lot going on They personalize it rather than look at the entire picture big wow That's a lot going on for that person. So there we have an outside view they have a one-side view so we're very good at seeing the big picture and Taking everyone into account. I feel they per if some if we're a little off

8:14Because of all the things that are going on. It's a them thing. Mm-hmm, and you're like I don't have time for this So it's like it's this weird You know, it's kind of like what the another thing that I've seen oh happen with a lot of men is if like if something is wrong or if a kid gets hurt Instead of being compassionate they get Kind of angry yeah, and it's their way of trying to fix it But it comes across feeling they don't like the feeling of it comes across very insensitive But really they're trying to fix the problem. Yeah Um is I was curious. I think I just thought that you were looking up that makes a lot of sense There's more oh, okay a general truth that show up everywhere not every person but most women process Internally before acting mm-hmm men act first and process later They don't want to think about what they're feeling. They just want to act out what they're feeling And that's why it like they come out. It's sort of like It's like it's they're almost like like we would say

9:16That they're a little bit less well. They're less emotionally evolved sort of like how a teenager They react and then they think later a lot of them Puh then are got to like not fully grown Women bond through talking sharing and feeling understood Men bond through doing things Sex Women pick up set subtle changes in tone body language and mood men miss 90% of it unless they spell it out So again the stress of the house all the things that are going on I don't know if it impacts men like women but women were like um temperatures I feel like we're a temperature gauge and we can feel everything you know maybe why you know those women that like Um these women might have it figured out although I wouldn't want to live like this The women who like knee or needy like they're very very moody or emotional in front of their partners Yeah, and they're like they really like show it and like

10:18You know It becomes everyone's problem. Yeah Like in a way they've kind of got it figured out because they're forcing their partner to realize Like that something's going on and instead of like because if 90% is missed Those ladies aren't missed Because they're so extra about it. Yeah, I wouldn't want to live like that No, me there But in a way They're getting They're making their partners are recognizing more of their feelings than Us who probably are like let's just handle it ourselves. This is in general. We will We'll Put that out there. We didn't take a quick break and I'm going to get to one that I think most people would be like oh my god Yes I know you're going to hear this and think of it as a different way, but I think of it This is very much us women prioritize emotional closeness Men prioritize functional peace To me functional peace would be

11:21A need Rather than understanding that we're we need you to be okay because we're okay I feel like men just need something that is is tangibly they can't have because it's them Where we women you know like if you're to prioritize Going out with friends seeing like family all of those things. That's emotional closeness with people in your life And men just want a functional peace. They just want to just like can we just like just make it okay? It's functional which makes so much more sense because they can't get much from emotional closeness with people Because that's not what not everyone. I'm just saying emotional closeness is very hard For a lot of men because it's not what fills their buckets in terms of relationships in terms of Part of that is not their fault. It's the way we raise. Oh my god. Yeah, I'm sorry about it like It really there is for a lot of them. It's it's innately that way And because a lot of men feel like product productivity is their worth like how much are they producing in the family?

12:24their sensitive to feel like they're failing and often a relationship is A status of they're doing okay, and if you're divorcing or not going okay, it's their personal failure Yeah, they might they must feel even more ice would assume they feel even more that way when they're wifes them Oh, yeah, oh my god. I think most men are embarrassed their egos are bruised like they're like I They don't want to say it rather than being like I we it broke down. It takes a very mature man to say yeah, oh, you know what we screwed up. I was part of this you know when Gwyneth and Was it was it Gwyneth and Brad Pitt no Gwyneth and yeah, oh cool play and They both kind of took responsibility and actually Jennifer and I said did too with Brad Pitt She's like it's 50-50 I am we're not all gonna blame him. I'm to blame too for the breakdown of a relationship I feel like that was the first time because everyone was so mad at him for cheating on Her with um jolly And you and she was like listen is fucking 50-50 here. This was a two-person relationship

13:28There was a breakdown for both of us not just for him. Let's Let's call that what it is and I was like that was in my Lifetime the first time hearing someone tick responsibility When they had been wrong done for taking Yeah, it's so easy to blame someone. Yeah, it's so much harder to be like this broke down. I fucked up Like I wonder though if a man had been cheated on if he would be able to be like Probably not all her I let her down to yeah, you know They're not diff these differences are not flaws They're not men or bad women are complicated. They're just two operating systems that need translation but no one teaches you the translation And what and so like So they need translation why Why your female and male relationships Uh important

14:29hmm And I'm gonna say aside from making children like why isn't why is it important for a man to be with a woman And a woman to be with a man like why is that why is that Take more importance than like two friends living together and growing old together What's what's what's the the deep meaning of why a man needs to be with a woman or as humans were not built to do life solo Uh-huh and a male female relationship force to totally different operating systems to learn how to work together I mean listen, this is chat. They don't there's it's not a fact. It's just it's just why did they have to Why why overcome a struggle when Being with oh well first of all to your attracted to Right so it's very hard if you are attracted to that for some people they're not they just do it because they're supposed to and then I mean a lot of people it's easier Yeah, and the long run because separating your two lives are really hard so you get into when you're younger You're not thinking about what it's gonna feel like when you have

15:32Seven kids down the road you're thinking right now you can't think of a future because you've never lived it And a lot of it is just was just the reason how we all got together It was just tradition You know, I mean the reason we got married and it was to make babies But it was just because they did it back then I do think though that like they men and women bring skill sets that make a more powerful Existence for a household if they both show up with their skill set because If you look at it, you know, did you for watch house of cards? I know it's with Kevin Spacey and the whole thing I mean, I wonder what it would be like now. I don't even know if it's out now, but basically It it was a fucked up show. I could not watch a lot of it, but it was this notion that They were a power couple mm-hmm, but a calculated power couple I mean they killed people to get where they needed to go, but they They knew exactly how to operate to be what everyone wanted them to be and and the way they looked but ultimately It's like you need two people to be a bigger force because if you're just one and one

16:39Like you and your friend don't have a shared interest You've got your interests with your kids. They've got in there interests with their kids You would have to have a shared interest so when you're married whether it's a man or a woman Or when you're a couple you have a shared interest of this unit that have to be able to move forward Because if everyone had their own interests, it'd be very hard to Navigate raising all of the people, but then no one stops I just think that I think the biggest problem with relationships is We don't stop to we want them to see our point and they want us to see their point And it's really hard for its maturity to stop and be like okay, I'm gonna try to understand it from your point without getting mad But also you can't always be the one understanding it from their point They have to understand your point of view too and it really just comes down to if I can tick to a cash tag POV So when you see and the reason memes go viral is because they're true They're true the reason mum trisco viral is because they're jokes, but they're true for the true

17:40So it is just I mean the question patterns that we do the two skill sets is true like I don't I do not Like doing the garbage right and you would do it if you had to but I wouldn't want to You also do the finances that a lot of men do the finances I cook in grocery shop which I like Sometimes to do I think if you're to like break it down We Have to work hard to understand each other but both parties have to work hard to understand each other because I think it's often women trying to understand and And I guess that's just one of the many child like the many like Challenges and projects that of life. Oh great a project of life. I mean yeah, it's ongoing I mean you I think the problem is women get older and they begin to get sick of doing it if they don't There was a there's an older couple that I just recently like

18:43heard of and um You know the woman is not as well and so The husband said Looky kids had come over and um they had undone the dishwasher and they cleaned up and they done all that And then he said who did all this and they were like we did and like but that's your mom's job And it was just so weird Because like there's just things that she does and he does and and there's old-fashioned So much old-fashioned roles that go into even today like modern people like ourselves You know, but you need those. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to go change my tire because it's got a nail in it But also if you both did it wouldn't be efficient So you like you and I are very much the same way. I'm not gonna do your job You're not gonna do my job if we both did it be a waste of time. We couldn't get as much done No, but then you have to actually live with someone and communicate daily with a different language You know women are from Mars and when men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Yeah, whatever happened to that It's Same. We're people reading it

19:45Like was it a book? Yes It's a full book Yeah, and I just kind of thought it was a saying men no No, I feel like everyone read it. They should bring that back out again For like teenagers to understand too like because I think it's some like I think it's important to understand that there's just some things about the opposite sex that will never That will never be We'll never be the same. Oh, I thought this is what you're looking at before what trait What traits to both men and women equally have Okay, do you know what I mean? Well, I just got the book and I feel like they tell you a lot in it I don't get the book. I just asked them tell me the book Basically Here's the real Mars It's a book. Mm-hmm It's hold on I have to be get my touch of a tea. It's uh, just wear it like tell it us I just tell it you listen to me sir ma'am it they

20:45Whatever you want to say That was when you know when that came out 1969 I mean quite progressive Quite one was I forget what I feel like it was 90 90 something 90s What year like in the 90s because I feel like we were old enough to read it Not read it see it did it come out and I don't know why it hasn't come back out as it like a reboot I feel like that be a veer that was like no one's done that again. That was a very big book 1992 Men are from Mars women are from Venus came out and hit Oprah But every couple on earth was like oh, we're not crazy One third part it became a best-selling nonfiction book for the entire decade of the entire decade Was that the guy Gary? Oh, no, but I want to read it Yeah, we should go back and read. Yeah, we should have a book club

21:48And see if it's like if it's relevant in 2025 what how many years in 1990? Oh my god, we need to read it Wait, tell me about chapter one. Oh, I can get my my cold nose Like 40 years 20 are you joking me? Five years ago? 25 no longer because it's 26 years right now so 26 plus eight is 36 chapter one Men and women are both loving and well-intentioned, but they continually Misunderstand each other because they behave communicate and cope like they're from different planets I don't know where this book went and why don't they teach this in school? Maybe it needs to be updated maybe we should have did it. Yeah, those are old-fashioned stuff Men and women start strong until differences show up at the beginning of a relationship both partners feel seen and supported later When stress stress or real life hits their differences start to clash men are Martians

22:49Value competence and independence. They want to fix problems provide solutions and succeed They hate feeling useless or criticized Women value connection and communication. They want empathy emotional closeness and understanding they hate feeling ignored or dismissed Okay Both sides assume the other things the same way men respond with solutions women respond with feelings Both think they're being helpful both then up being frustrated neither Gender is trying to hurt the other they're simply using tools from their own planet The problem is the tools don't translate well the goal isn't to change each other It is to understand the differences so you stop taking everything personally Basically we are the book. I think I think I think a good example of that is again when like when I'm When I'm overwhelmed And then it comes down to it and he's like I know you take on too much. I know you do it all

23:52I want to help you but you don't like share with me. I want to help you but really I want to do it I do want to do it all but I just want you to like Simpa thought like I want you to sympathize. I want you to recognize But I don't want you to take it off my plate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You just want validation And if I don't feel well I don't need you to go to store and buy everything. I just want you to say how are you feeling? I know again, though. They want to fix it. Yes and the metaphor the metaphor matters This the chapters whole job is to get people to stop saying why are you like this? Yes And start saying oh this is your wiring. I get this it's So thoughtful to like like Understand that they're different and to like do you're not we're not supposed to change them We're supposed to and same for them for that we're supposed to understand each other. That's that's a lot of thought A lot of work and that is also against human nature

24:53You do not think and they're just saying this shit that your brain doesn't develop to now like 35 That makes sense. 35 or something old like that. I'm like oh, sorry So you've lived a whole life raised children. They're going to move it probably till never developed. Yeah, really I know Of course not because we're always growing. Do you want to know chapter two and then we'll take a quick break You know I'll tell you chapter two and then we go eat Mr fix it And Helm improvement committee Men try to fix feelings women try to fix men Ha ha ha Both feel unappreciated both get annoyed There's no truer's day man than that. Is there? I I just try to fix things Women try to fix men Can I just ask you okay? So I know there has never been a time that I've done the dishwasher that he doesn't redo it Yeah, I mean too, okay, but I'm gonna ask you later The way how he does the bowls I've never ever seen it before and he says It's the only way they can get clean. I'm gonna do it for you and you tell me you've ever seen that before

25:57I can't wait and then we can ask the internet. I mean we should really ask on stories Have you seen terrible news of space? We're gonna save When this goes live tomorrow? We are gonna put it on stories. I need this clip for tomorrow. You're gonna show me how the How do you pull? Let's go And then we're gonna see why you try to fix him who's right and who's wrong? I think it's a terrible use of space I just want you to know because it's not using it the way that it's supposed to be and I don't know why he does it and I don't ask But every time I clean the kitchen he walks in the door Any cleans the kitchen. So listen to this When women share feelings they want empathy not a solution not a plan not here's what you should do She wants someone to sit in the feeling with her for a moment. That's exactly what you're saying When men hear a problem they go into fixing mode he thinks Europe set all solve the issue problem gone This is love is in action. She hears you're being dramatic. Here's the real answer

26:57That's what he's saying to you. He's like don't be so dramatic and you're like Fuck you So men give answers and women get mad not because the solution is wrong But because she wasn't asking from one she wanted connection first Women don't want advice unless they ask for it. They want I got why you feel like that I get that sounds hard. I'm here Five minutes of that equals miracle. Also. I'm here, but not I'm here give me some of that stuff I'll give it to you when I want to give it to you Oh my god Men fix to connect rule before a man gives a solution. He needs to give empathy first There's lots in this book that we can go through men get confused because they feel rejected Jacked he offers a fix she gets hurt he thinks I'm trying to help why she mad at me He feels unheard nobody wins women try to help men by improving them This is the home improvement committee women give advice corrections and you know what you should do Men hear criticism so they feel like they're failing so they shut down, but women are right

28:03I just put that in oh, okay, I was gonna say wow this book is really right Ha Men hear suggestions as attacks even when she means well she thinks she's supporting him He thinks she's grading him immediately defensive immediately immediately defensive. That's because it's an attack By the way, it was just a conversation and now we were offended for a week a week. We're offended Before a yep before a woman gives advice she needs to give approval first Oh, this is where it gets tricky when you have to do the work The chapter is big takeaway men need to stop fixing feelings women need to stop fixing men than everyone shells out Easier said than done. We're gonna go take a picture of the dishwasher y'all are gonna weigh in It's very hard. This is very hard work. This is this is not let's let's order these books. Let's read these Is it gonna be we kind of know it all? I know, but it's gonna be very validating and what I would like is that If our men read it to oh my god, they have to read it what they what they take from it

29:06I feel like we should do a Friday podcast on the book and reboot it and then have that I'll read it to you if you want. I'll give you the synopsis each week No, I can read it. I'll read it. I'll read a book and because I want my to read it book Okay, and then let's get the author. I feel like it's Gary Batman. Wow. Oh, no, maybe that's NHL commissioner Maybe it's Dr. Phil Bye y'all You Oh