From Grief to Grace: Prayer, Fasting and Life After Death

MUSIC

Welcome back to the Let's Be Friends podcast. Today we are blessed to have Father Sarah from Holland

returning for a second time. Father Sarah from is the head priest at St. Nicholas Orthodox

Church in McKinney, Texas. You may know Father Sarah from Holland from his YouTube channel

orthodox net or from his social media accounts where he shares helpful,

candid and often funny information about being an orthodox Christian.

Welcome back to the show, Father Seraphim.

Thank you. God bless. Thank you. I'm so excited to have you back on the show.

Thank you so much for coming back on here. I'm glad to come. I'm glad to come.

We did an episode, I think a couple months ago, and it was called,

what is salvation? Stormtrooping evangelism versus orthodox Christianity.

We talked about the video that went viral where a woman named Sarah, who is in my prayers now,

and I hope many others, came up to you when you were in Greece, and she acted like she was

interested in learning some things and asking you some questions, but really she kind of had

an alternative agenda to evangelize to you. Stormtrooping. I guess, yeah. God bless her.

Actually, it's still the fallout of that is still happening because the comments I get are

right around that same kind of genre and everything, and it's sort of a brainwashing, you know,

to believe in the Bible, but not the first 1500 years of Christianity.

Right. I know. It really is. All of that's gone. All of it's trashed. Yeah.

100 percent. No, it is like a brainwashing. It is, but you know, some people come around.

There are people who have told me that they've started coming to church because of that video

or my videos, just as there are people who sometimes you say this name and people start to get a seizure.

Charlie Kirk started looking in the Orthodox Christianity before he was killed, and people have come

to church because of him. Yeah. Yeah. So God works out whatever way he, whatever he wishes to do, God does.

I was working on a video for this channel where I just kind of explained why I became an Orthodox

Christian, because I became a Christian five years ago. I became Orthodox. I became a catacumin almost

two years ago, but I was looking back on when I first became a believer in Jesus, and I had this

video I recorded, and I say, I'm just reading the Bible now for the first time. It's blowing my

mind, but the biggest thing that I've discovered is I think there's a spell around Christianity that

made some of us not even believe Jesus had ever lived. So it is like a brain, because I didn't believe

Jesus had ever lived. I didn't think he was real. And so I do think there is like call it brainwashing

or mind programming, whatever a spell. There is something that kind of that keeps people from the truth.

Someone like me, you know, that very well, that very well could be that very well could be.

Yeah, and I think it really is just like the state of the world, you know, the world that we live in

the culture and everything. But so in this episode, I would love to talk to you about a couple things.

One is I want to talk about loss, because a lot of people go through loss. You went through a big

loss in 2017, your son Daniel passed away. And I would like to talk about that. And what kind of

came, like how you move through that experience, how what has come out of that, because you created

something called Daniel's list, which is about praying for Daniel or praying for others because of

that and talk about like what happens after we die and the importance of the prayers of the dead.

And then also at the end, second half of the episode, I'd like to talk kind of shift into talking

about fasting because we have great lent starting coming up and just talk about why we fast and

how to properly fast. But first, I'd like to talk about Daniel, if you'd like to start.

All right. Well, he died June 11, 2017. And I will say shockingly until I explain it,

didn't bother me a bit the day he died. Not a bit, because I didn't know. He was Saturday night,

for us, the eve of the Sunday of all Saints, the Sunday after Pascha. And I said Sunday after

Pentecost, excuse me. And he had said something on Facebook saying it's six o'clock in the morning

in Berlin, and that's time to go swimming. And he was going to jump in the spring river and swim

across, you know, as kind of a prank kind of thing. And then they were going to go to Czechoslovakia

and then he was going to go to I think Finland, I'm not sure if it's Finland, maybe Denmark,

and do the studies because he was doing this part of his college program. And I thought, okay,

he's going to go swimming 6 a.m. About an hour and a half later, he was dead, but I was asleep.

And the embassy didn't have our number correctly. They was one number transposed.

And we found out later. So we didn't find out until Monday morning.

So Monday morning, I'm drinking my coffee. My wife calls me from work. And she just blirts out. Daniel

is dead. And I'm thinking, that's the worst joke I ever heard. And my wife doesn't joke. I

said, that's stupid. Why do you tell me a joke? No, he's dead. And then of course everything springs

into action. I go and immediately go serve upon a heat at the church. My son and I followed me

because they were worried that I wasn't going to be okay driving. But I served upon a heat at the

church. That day I served upon a heat of three times. And then we served liturgy too. We literally

came home after having had breakfast in the whole works and served liturgy like at about 10 o'clock

in the morning. And then the next day we served liturgy and we got on a plane to go to Berlin.

And we were in Berlin for a week to get his remains. And there was a lot of stuff to happen.

And one of the things that happened was we got his remains ready to be put on the plane

blah, blah. And we had some people help us. That was just fantastic. And so we flew ahead one day ahead.

And then he flies over. I think it was a Friday. I don't remember what the day was, but he flies

ahead. He flies behind us one day. And there was a terrorist threat in Heathrow Airport. So they

had literally emptied the plane of all cargo. And it was sitting on the tarmac for several hours.

And then the plane flew, I think it flew empty or with the passengers, but no cargo.

And so he's the cargo. My son was a piece of cargo. And it had to be arranged for him to be flown

the next day. So the funeral was going to be that day. It had to be moved to the next, I moved

to day over. So there was all these kinds of temptations and everything like that.

Bishop Peter, Archbishop Peter, lovely man. May his memory be eternal. I loved him very,

very much. He called me up before the funeral. And he said, for the Seraphim, I'm coming to you

just to celebrate the funeral. I don't want you to do anything. I'm not even going to tell you

my plane arrangements. I'll get to your church. What Bishop does that? Is that bizarre?

He calls me on his cell phone. It tells me exactly what he's going to do. And he did. And then his

plane had to be delayed. And so then, but he did come. He did come and celebrated the funeral. He

had to change his plans and everything like that. So Daniel was buried. And oh, there was a

lot of stuff that happened. Should I tell you that phenomena? I think I'll tell you the fun.

One thing that happened is there, I don't remember the exact words, but there was a child in our

parish. He was four years old. And he had a dream the night that Daniel died. And he told his mother.

He was kind of scared. He getting trouble because it was kind of a weird dream. He said, I saw,

I saw Daniel swimming. And then he was looking up. And there was an angel telling him,

it's going to be okay. You're going to be fine as he was drowning. We actually have a picture

of him drowning strangely enough because somebody took a picture from the other side and saw his hand

sort of like this out of the water. And there were guards, lifeguards from Denmark, I think, that

were vacationing, drinking coffee on the other side. They saw him go in, but they didn't see him.

They saw his floundering. So they jumped in to go after him. Well, if you've been to San Antonio,

the spring rivers like that, the river rock is disgusting. The spring river is dark and cold.

And so his body got across and looked for him. And by that time Daniel had fallen under the surface

probably because of the coldness of the water and the clenching of his muscles. And he was only

no more than 10 foot underwater because that was as deep as the river was there. But you couldn't

find him. So they got him out. And his heart was stopped. They did restart his heart. But it was

really, really, this was after 30 minutes underwater. But his heart was really unstable. And then he

arrested again. And he didn't. He died in the ambulance. So he could have been alive when we

went to Germany on a machine. And we would have had to go through all that. But it was, I think,

one of God's mercy that he did die. And not that he wasn't just half dead with us coming to

try to decide or to what to do. But that was that was in June of 2017.

So one of the phenomena was the angel talking to this boy saying he's going to be okay or talking

to Daniel saying you're going to be all right. Don't worry. Don't be afraid. And then the other

really amazing one was he had a really good friend named Ramsey. They were in different plays

together and stuff. And they were just very, very, very, very good friends for all the high school.

And she comes with a funeral. And she's, you know, she doesn't know all this stuff.

She looks at these pictures. She doesn't understand. But as we were

putting the top on the coffin at the very end. And I was the last one to do the nail.

Actually, we didn't use nails. We used, you know, wood pegs and stuff. So I was the last one

of pound. And I remember I was going boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, five, right? Sort of a pattern.

And at the last one, there was a crash. And an icon had literally, literally,

levitated off of the icon, conostas, moved about four feet or so and fallen straight down.

And the reason why we, I say that is because it didn't hit the icon lamp.

Nor did it hit the gigantic bush that was in front of it.

So, and a person saw it from the side, saw the icon move forward and then down.

And this icon was the heroine of hell or the heroine of Hades.

It's so called, the so-called resurrection icon. And she had asked God, oh God, please,

just give me a sign that he's going to be okay. Could you maybe move one of those pictures

off the wall? That's what she said. And so it happened. And then she comes to me. It's like

she's all afraid. Like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Father Sarah, I might have done that. And I did

that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your picture. I was just like, I could have just

about hugged her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Really bad if it was like, you know, the last

judgment that fell off the wall. That would, yeah. You know, the hearing of Hades. Yeah,

that's, I love that icon. That's, though, that's so symbolic. I love, and the story of how

that child had the dream and the angel saying, Daniel in the water and the angel saying,

that it's going to be okay. And him happening on all, all same stay, too, you know. Yeah, you know,

Daniel was a college student. He wasn't always doing the right thing, but

may God, may God grant him eternal memory. So, right. So that's the story of his death. One more

thing that happened, I consider his death to be a great blessing. I don't think anything God

does is not a blessing. And from the very beginning, I felt that way. From the very instant of his

death, now there was a lot of grief. I believe that literally for 50 days, I wept at least

every day at some portion of the day. I did 100 prostrations all those days. I can't do 100

prostrations anymore. 50 is my limit now. But I was, and I could do them faster. I time everything.

When I did under prostrations, before it was like in six or seven minutes, now I do 50 prostrations

in six minutes or seven minutes. That's still good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, anyway,

there was the blessing is that the very first great blessing was on the day of his funeral,

right after we secured the casket. And we're going to bring it out to the car. I got a phone call.

And the phone call was from the fiance of a person in prison who I had baptized. And his son

had committed suicide. And he didn't know yet, right? And there was going to be a family visitation

the next day that was scheduled. And I, on the way down to Barry Daniel, I'm on the phone to

everybody I can in the prison to get permission from the, you know, from the warden to come down

because clergy don't go to the prison on Saturdays because that's a family visitation day.

And so he gave me permission. And so I was in the visitation room with his fiance and his sister

and waiting for him to come. And it was a really a crazy moment because

everybody's happy, right? People buy vending machine stuff and they're all,

hi, how are you? And everybody sit at the table. It's just, there's just joy in the room, right?

And he walks in the room with a big smile on his face. And then he sees me.

And I'm the canary in the coal mine because I didn't belong there. There's only one reason for

me to be there. There's got to be bad news, right? So he came up to us. We didn't say a word to

each other for 10 minutes. All we did was hug each other and weep. Nothing else. And I knew that

was the right thing to do because I'd been through grief. You didn't, you don't have to say stuff.

It's like I'm sorry for your loss or something like that. No, all you need to do is just be there

for the person, feel for the person. And as a, as a priest, of course, I was, I had an agenda to

help him get through his grief, right? But I knew his, I understood his grief to some extent. I

hadn't had a son commit suicide at 12 years old, right? I hadn't had that, I think 12 or 14.

I hadn't had that to happen, but I'd lost the son suddenly, right? And so that was the, I knew what

to do. I knew exactly what to do without even thinking about it. And I've had that happen all

the times when people have had extreme grief. And there's a mission that's founded because of this.

Because the woman, the family, and Jason and Millie, they had lost their son,

Jack, and he had had an auto accident. This is, this is a couple of years later, actually several

years later. I think Jack's three year anniversary will be this March. And so she's going through

incredible grief. He was 23 years old, primal life. And he died in a terrible auto accident. And

she's beside herself. And she'd heard about me because everybody in the world had heard about me.

I mean, I have people on Daniels list from everywhere. And so she calls me. And I, Maureen and I

go down there. And we just, we're there for them. And then I kept coming. And then we started

a mission. So now I'll be going there. Actually, this, this week, we go try to go twice a month

and serve, you know, investors, liturgy, we have catacumans, we've married people,

person, we've married, well, I guess two people. And, uh, baptisms, everything. We just, it's

right out the middle of the country in, in the Panhandle of Texas, you know, where there's rattlesnakes

and deer and stuff like that. And wheat, wheat and cotton. So there's, that's one of,

oh, yeah, tumbleweeds. They're cool. I like them. Kind of random. When you see them, like,

they are, I like them. I like them. I put one in, I put one in my car because I,

that was cool. And I was going to like put it as an ornament. And, uh, there was just tumbleweed

all over the back, the back of the trunk, because it just slakes off. It's pretty crazy. They

can get gigantic. They can get it. They can get as big as a man. Yeah. You know, they're pretty

cool. But that's one of the great blessings is the, is the helping the person in prison. And then

also, uh, sort of a ministry to people that have lost. And I've, um, I've given some talks and

things about using the energy and grief. Um, I'm very convinced that, uh, you have a question here,

why don't, why does some people don't deal with grief? Well, I think it's primarily because, um,

they don't look at it spiritually. They just only look at the, the human loss. You know,

they feel the human loss greatly. And oh gosh, there was a lot of human loss. Like I said,

I went for 50 days. Easy. Right. And, um, uh, I, it was in a tense time. I was serving

liturgy every single day and going to prison. Uh, so because I was afraid prison would, uh,

not always let me serve liturgy because stuff could happen, even our schedule liturgy there.

I was, I would have liturgy at midnight. And then I drive to prison. Wow. Crazy. You know,

for that, for that during that duration. And I believe I, I didn't serve liturgy on the day

after his funeral because I had to go to prison. And then after that, I started the 40 days count

again. And, um, uh, I think it turned out to be 48 days in a row serving liturgy.

What, can you explain the importance of the 40 days after somebody reposes, like to pray for

the dead? Well, we believe that the, the, after the 40th day, the person has the particular

judgment. And then basically the status of their soul determines, will they be awaiting the

resurrection in paradise or in Hades? And Hades is kind of a dark place, not a place of punishment,

but a place of, of sort of a uncertainty and darkness and sadness. And, um, we do believe

some people have been rescued out of Hades. Uh, I don't really care too much about, um,

the, all the details there. For me, it's very simple. I pray because I love and I don't stop loving

somebody because they died. And so we have this tradition of after person dies, we serve upon a

key to certainly on the day they die, the third day, the ninth day, um, and then, uh, the 40th day

and then yearly. And, um, I just do it. But definitely on the 40th day, we believe that they,

they've, the soul has been around the people it loves and the things it loves for the first three

days after its death. And then after that is it's shown, uh, heaven, paradise. And then after that

has shown hell, actually for a longer period of time. And then after that, uh, I believe on the

ninth day, they're, they're shown hell. So that's why we pray for them on the ninth day. And then

on the, uh, 40th day, basically their disposition to a weight eternity is, um, is on the 40th day.

So we pray for them upon a key to the first couple of days you said that they're close to their

loved ones is, you can explain. So what is, what does that kind of mean? Like, what, how would someone

experience that? Well, I mean, like an icon moving maybe, it could be, it could be.

Basically, sometimes phenomena occurs right after person's death and around the time, you know,

shortly thereafter. I don't really understand these things really well. I've got several big books.

I haven't read about it. I'm a simple guy. I really think the most profound thing that we can

believe about the dead is that they're not dead because God is not the God of the dead but of the

living. And because of the resurrection, they are alive. We are eternal creatures from the time

of our creation, right? We come out of nothingness. And then, well, I mean, we, the world was created

out of nothingness. We come out of our mother and father. And we are created at that incident. We have

a soul. And from that point on, we will never die. Our body will die, but our soul remains alive.

And our soul remains conscious and able to see and hear and remember and think. And therefore,

the righteous are not dead. The wicked are not dead in terms of, they're not winked out of

consciousness, like stepping on an ant or something. So we pray for everyone, good and bad. And if

you pray for someone who's righteous, they pray for you. If you pray for someone who's in Hades,

then may it be that they are benefited in some way. And I don't really, I don't try to

put a fine point on it. I know a lot of people really want that. Right. I find, I'm a Christian,

I pray. That's it. And that 40 days that you're kind of talking about is also what some might

refer to as like the tollhouses, kind of which is again, some people, you know, kind of almost like a

well, yeah, I talk about this and some of his chats, some from orthodox ethos. And he says it

very specifically like this days, the toll house, this is the toll house of lie. This is the

toll house of lust and kind of like specifically. But then also like I heard other priests kind of

don't really talk about it or like really think about it that much. I know the tollhouses is used

in our liturgical services. The term is used. And definitely the soul, if it has an attachment to

something, it feels pain at losing that thing. Right. So if you're attached to lust, you feel pain

upon death because you can never act upon your lust again. Right. You can feel your lust but not

act upon it. But if we're attached to God, there's no pain. To the extent we're attached to God,

I think there's no pain. So toll houses for me, obviously, they're not little, you know,

booths up there. But there definitely is the soul will go through the demon screaming sins at it,

even making up things. And I don't pay too much attention in that. I don't want to just be terrified

about that. I want to become a better person. I want to, you know, that's my approach to it. I am

not an expert about it at all. There are books that really talk about it pretty well.

So really, I'm just not a theological expert about it. But I do know that that when you're attached

to something, then there's pain when you lose that thing. And so if we say that we're Christians

and we don't love money, but then we get jipped out of a hundred bucks by somebody and we're mad,

we'll clearly we live money, right? So, so, you know, we'll have sort of still have a problem

with our attachments in when we die. When you were first talking about kind of the loss of Daniel

and you said that you saw it as a blessing and that other people that kind of like that can't see

it like that, they're thinking it more as like the human loss. And I know I used to hear a lot of

stuff like when people would say, Oh, Christianity's not for me. Our God's not for me. I don't

why would God ever like let anything bad happen? I like even, you know, my blessed my mom's

heart. I love her. My step my stepdad died when he was 54. He had a brain tumor and that hit

her very hard. And when I became a Christian, I told her, you know, I'm praying for you mom like

and she got she got upset with me and she said, if God were real or God existed, like he never would

have let al die like and she's and I was just like, I just have kept praying for her, you know,

through that. But I remember hearing that anger that she had and I've heard that anger from people

before like God, why would God ever let someone die? Like why would God let that happen? And you said

right away, you knew it was a blessing for you, but you saw it as not that human loss. Can you kind of

go into more detail on like you kind of get him saying that mindset where some people see like

losses as an attack on them or a God's a mean God or how could God do that versus you? And the

other hand, you're saying, I see this as a blessing or like, you know, not as as such a,

you still feel the grief from it, but you see it as more than that.

Well, I think if you have an experience of God, then you believe God. If you don't have an

experience about him, then you believe things about him. And I think most people live a life that

is not at all spiritual. They just live where they have things they believe about God. You know,

they might believe in the resurrection. They might believe that if you confess your sins and

ask Jesus in your heart, you're saved. They might have very sincere beliefs, but they're just

external beliefs and they're not where they've actually internalized that that God actually

loves us. And God made us for a purpose and that he's not in any way cruel to us. So if you

fundamentally believe that by experience, not by convincing yourself. You can't just convince

yourself of it. You have to believe it by experience. And if you believe it by experience,

then then I immediately, I, this is really true. I am not trying to, you know, con anybody.

The moment he died, I thought, glory be to God. And I thought, what is it that is going to happen

now that is God showing His grace to us? And many things happened like I've, I've detailed a few

of them. And I think that people don't live spiritually. They don't have a prayer life. They don't

do frustrations. They don't weep for their sins. And then there's a self-centeredness. And really

intelligent people thinking that why did God let him die? Everybody's going to die,

sister. Everybody. We're all going to die. And why are we upset about somebody dying that we had

30 years with when children die of leukemia? And they're dead at a year and a half or two years old

after suffering, right? Or people have horrible accidents or whatever, you know? I mean, there's

all these ways that people die. And I don't really judge any of them. I don't think that,

I don't think that God punishes us per se through the way we die. I think we, we become

like him or we don't. And people don't pray. And I think everybody should look for,

for in anything that happens. What is the, how is this going to bless me? Because it's going to,

if you allow it, you know, you lose your sight. How is it going to bless you? You lose your job.

How's it going to bless you? Everything's going to bless you because it's,

meekness is to accept God's will and all things to accept everything is God's providence.

Not to evaluate it, you know, in terms of why me, you know. I had a dog. I don't have children.

I wish I did, but I don't. But I have had a lot of animals in my life. And I've been very close to

them. And I had a dog named Leica, who I was very close to. And she got, she was 14 and a half.

She was very sick. She had diabetes. She had pushing. She really was a trooper and stuck with

me for a long time. And this was right about when I became, this was during the time when I became

a believer in Christ. And when she got to the close to when she was going to die, I lost it. I

didn't know how, I was in a very hard time of my life. And I, I just didn't know how I was going

to get through it. And I remember, gosh, I'm almost going to tear up. God really did use her death

to bring me closer to him. And I can, because when I had to take her into, you know, have her put

down, I literally just was like, I don't even know how I'm going to drive the car there. I don't

know how I'm going to pick her up. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I was alone. And I just

remember, no, that, gosh, I'm really going to cry. God took the wheel of the car, you know. And

essence, he drove me there. He was with me. I felt closer to God through that experience. And my

faith was strengthened through it because after it was all done, I saw that God answered my prayers

and was with me and helped me get through that in a way that like I never had felt before. And

it was, you know, through the loss, something really good came out of that for me. And it was

brought me closer to God through that. And so I mean, I did that because you didn't just become

angry. If you had become angry, why me, et cetera, you could have become an atheist because of,

you know, why God? My mother did that. She didn't become an atheist, but she, she, she was Roman

Catholic and my dad was a man upstairs kind of guy. And she loved him very much. He loved her.

And he got cancer and he died because people give cancer and they die. And they had many, many

years together. And she basically thought, why did God take him from me? And she still kept going

to church, but she, she was just a shadow of her former belief. I remember she, she worked in

a, a library. And there was a guy there working there too, who was a former Roman Catholic who

had become a wicked. And she thought that was just great because he knows that the Pope just

gives people guilt trips. And he got out of that guilt trip. And now he's, he's living his life

as, as he, as it was mentally be an eye and orthodox priest was defending the pope to her.

Because I say, no, the pope is not just trying to make everybody guilty. I mean, you got to stop

that. And by, she was just bitter because of his death. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and so you, what's, one of

the amazing things that I can see tangibly that's come out of, you know, the passing of Daniel

is Daniel's list, which is a prayer list that you have up on your website for your church. And

it's on there. And it has, you have a list where you're praying now for people that, that need

prayer. You have this opportunity for people to be on your list and ask for prayer. Can you explain

a little bit what Daniel's list is? Yeah. From the very beginning, I was looking for something

to channel my grief. I felt this urge. And I think we all should find some purpose in our grief.

You know, getting closer to God, yes. But in a practical sense, what does that mean?

What that is meant for me is Daniel's list, increasing frustrations in my prayer, praying,

increasing in general prayer for everyone, really making my prayer more intense. And from the very

beginning, I was asking people to pray for him. And I'd say, if you pray for him, I'll pray for you

for the rest of my life. And so, and then people started giving me names of people that had had

sudden losses, right? I mean, somebody died, you know. There's one story of a little girl.

Her dad died. And she was 13, I think. And she was so sad that she, from the second story window,

like a week later, she jumped out and killed herself. And I mean, that's just terribly horrifically

tragic. And that's so dark. And what do you do with that? Do you just say, oh, that's terrible.

Well, I think that's stupid to just do that. I wrote her name down. I pray for that little girl

every day. I pray saying virus is prayer for her because there was suicide. I had probably

60 suicides I'd pray for. Oh, some people tell me, don't say suicides. People who died by their own

hand or whatever. People who died by suicide. And I pray for those people. And I don't have any

prejudices when I pray for him. I just say, God, have mercy of them, if you will. And I pray for

people who've lost someone, people who pray for Daniel, and people who've died suddenly.

Both Orthodox and not have gotten divided up because obviously I commemorate the Orthodox

and the Prost Committee and I don't commemorate the non-Orthodox, but I pray for everybody every day.

You have probably thousands of names on that list.

You know, it's not thousands, but it probably be 2000 or 3000. Yeah, it's probably that much.

Yeah, and I keep adding to it. In the beginning, I was doing it all the time, you know,

and I was getting names from every source possible, Facebook, from texting, from email,

from other stuff. And people telling me and I have to write it down. And I tried my very best

to keep a good record. And I'm terrible at those things, but I was always working on it. And I'm

still updating Daniel's list. There's somebody that told me about a suicide of a family member

just a couple days ago. And I promised them I would add them. And I've got them in my notes I

haven't yet added it, but you know, eventually it'll get there.

Did you name Daniel after the prophet Daniel? Yes, yes. That's, that's a beautiful thing. I mean,

yeah. And actually, another great blessing is my boys. I've got, I've got lots of grandchildren.

And I don't really favor any, although people could, excuse me, because my three boys, Noah and

Ezra are brothers and Owen, but Owen is Owen Daniel. And he's about seven and a half, Noah's

just about to turn eight. And Ezra just turned five. And the, they got pregnant, Natalie and,

and Elizabeth got pregnant with their, their sons, the year that Daniel died. So 2017, they,

was, they got pregnant. And then the next year, so I considered it sort of like,

God, give it, got to take it the way he gives, you know, blessed be God kind of thing. And it was,

it was a, it was a real great consolation. And I remember telling them, I'm going to take care of

these boys. I mean, you know, like when you go to work or something, I'm going to take care of them.

And they're not, no, no, you're, you're going to get tired of it or you're going to, they were,

they were kind of like, you know, what's the word for it? The show of anistic is like, oh, no,

you're, you're not, you're going to get tired of diapers. And I said, dude, I was a nurse. I took

care of every bodily excretion there ever was. And I changed my baby's diapers. And I didn't even

use gloves. So that's it. Yeah, absolutely. So I almost had to get a letter from the Pope, but then,

which would have been pretty hard, because the Pope knows I don't like him at all.

Well, you know, so I, I, I took care of him sometimes. There was a, in the peak, I took care of him.

I think twice a day for twice a week for one, for one and, and once a week for the other. And I,

I'm really attached to them. And they're really attached to me. And they're just an incredible

blessing. And I just kind of poured my life into them. And in a way that maybe I didn't as much

for my children, because I was busy working as busy being a stupid 30 year old or whatever. And

it's just sort of almost like getting a second chance to really be a dad. And it's been a huge

blessing. You mentioned earlier that, you know, after you experienced this loss and went through

that and then you had the woman who contacted you whose 12 year old child had committed suicide

and you went to visit the husband in prison, that you were able to connect, because you had been

through that. Well, actually, he wasn't, it was his child. And she was engaged to him. And it wasn't,

it wasn't hers. And he had gone to prison partially to as much as he could to protect David. It was

a kind of a limited story that I want, don't want to say publicly. But yeah, so go ahead. Yeah.

And I just, you know, just relating on my own like through, I would, I mentioned like the loss of

my dog. And after going through that, and I talked about it like publicly on my Instagram,

there's a chapter in my book where I talk about the loss of Leica and how it much it hit me,

I feel like when other, because a lot of people really experience when someone dies or a dog dies,

it really like that grief comes and it's heavy. And we go through those stages of grief. It's

something that we all do differently, you know, experience differently. But I feel like after, like

with someone has the loss of a dog or they have to say goodbye to their dog, like I'm able to

be there more for that person because I went through that experience and you said that

one of the blessings of you going through this experience with losing your son Daniel,

I mean, especially as a priest, you're going to have a lot of people probably come to you that

have loss and go through loss. But you're able to relate through that. And I just, I think that

that's a really profound thing to bring up as one of the blessings that comes from loss is that you

can, because you've been through that, you can relate and be there for other people now that are

going through that. Oh, that's absolutely. It happens all the time. It happens all the time.

But my approach is always how to describe my approach. I try to get people to think spiritually.

And that's sometimes quite a, quite a, quite a difficult thing. I don't, I think if you don't think

spiritually, everything's a problem. I mean, gridlock in Austin is a problem if you don't think

spiritually, you know, yeah, no, you're actually, you're, you're right. You're, you're totally

right on that. And I, I experienced that gridlock a lot on the highway. And then I have, I think this

is happening for a reason off. And I think it's so that I can practice patience or get my prayer

rope out and pray and be like, cause I'll get really upset. Oh, I'm going to be late now. And then

I get angry or the road rage can come out. But it's like, no, I'm instead, I'm getting an

opportunity to practice like when I started really trying to practice the prayer, the Jesus prayer,

I started getting a lot more moments in my life that gave me an opportunity where I needed to

pray. It's like, you have to have the ball thrown to you if you want to learn to catch it.

Well, those opportunities were always there. You just didn't see them. And now that you have

the prayer, you can get through them. Yeah. You know. And speaking of prayer and praying for the

dead, the, the, the, the prost fora, then we're saying that right? The, the holy bread.

prost fora. Yeah. A part of that is this, is it the part is set aside for commemorating the

living and the departed? Can you explain a little bit why some of that is set aside for the departed

for? Well, we have the prostra bread in this different style. So the rush was due five. And we do,

I actually used the Greek loaf, which is one big loaf. So you cut out the lamb, put it on the,

discuss, you cut out the portion for the Theltokos, cut out the portions for the nine ranks of the

saints. And then for the, your ruling bishop and for the, the, the, the, the civil authorities

and for the repost. And then you start commemorating people and you take your, you take your knife,

you take your sword, we call it a sword, but it's just a little kind of like a knife. And it's

usually in a triangle. And you just start taking little portions of bread out. So, you know,

for the serve of God, care, care, what is that? What is your fort need, right?

What's your? Eleni. Eleni. So Eleni. If we don't take care of, we'd say Eleni. And so, you know,

the serve of God, Eleni and the serve of God, Daniel and so, etc. And we, we'd commemorate them.

Some people take a portion out for every single person. Some people like me because I have so many

names and I'm just, it's just otherwise is just impossible. I take it and I twirl it and pieces

come out from that. Oh, yeah. Nice. Some people are not purist about that and they think that's

terrible, but I do it. So, everyone is commemorated who is Orthodox has a portion of bread taken out

and put on the discos. Then we, and they're not Orthodox. I pray for not people are not Orthodox

in the Presckermity. I do not take out bread for them. I just pray for them. So, now we celebrate

the liturgy. We commune the mysteries. Then we, what's left on the discos is only that bread that

represents those we've commemorated. So, then we pour it into the chalice at the, when the priest

comes back after giving communion to everybody, he commemorates them with the prayer. It's kind of

funny that I say the prayer all the time in liturgy and right now I can't think of it. Oh, Lord,

God, remember the souls of the servants. By the precious blood, oh, Lord, remember the souls of

the servants by the prayers of the saints. Then you pour the discos into the chalice.

So, in a way, you could say, communing those people, right? We're uniting those people with a body

in blood of Christ. That's why we don't commemorate non-Orthodox because non-Orthodox don't take

communion. There's a story that I heard of a priest that was told by, I think, his bishop that he

needed to do the liturgy for 40 days in a row. It was a story, but it's real. So, he's like, I don't

know how I'm going to do this. I'm just a small church. He was going to bake the bread.

How am I going to get chancers? Somehow, he had someone who would bake the bread every day.

The chancers came. So, he served the liturgy for 40 days and he realized he looked up one day

when he was serving the liturgy and he saw like what was like a stadium of people just surrounding him,

but they were, it was the dead and he realized that they were coming to the liturgy and he could see it.

And so, he just continued serving the liturgy for like a year or something and then he saw his

bishop again and he goes, well, how did the 40 days go serving the liturgy? Because why never

stopped? I'm still doing it. And it's just, it's a really beautiful story about how you, the dead

does commune. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. We don't know how all these things happen. We just know

that God is merciful and he tells us to do things and we do them. Yeah. There's another story that I

heard about, and I think this is going to be in the book coming out about Elder Ephraim of

Arizona and he had a, he was caught up and he was just like, you know, and God takes someone

somewhere in prayer and he found himself in a room with a long dining table and at the table

there were all sorts of people kind of like raggedly dressed and intense hunger in their eyes as

if they were like starving and he knew his mom was in a kitchen on the other side though he didn't

see her. He just knew she was there and she would take a pan and kind of put it through swinging

door and she would hand it to him and he would go around and hand the food to the people at the table

and he watched that it would, it satisfied them and an angel would come and take them away

and then another person would come and take that place. But he realized through that experience

being caught up and having that that vision from seeing that from God that the same thing that the

the prayers that this was the prayers during the divine liturgy for the prayers of the dead that it

is that it's doing something it's actually real they're actually communing and we're it's helping people.

Oh absolutely now it's it's it's two way street though. One of my favorite stories is I will get

it all completely right but there was a priest who was very pious and had long commemoration

lists so he his proch committee would be hours long and he was loved by his parish but he had a

problem. He was he was a drinker and one time he got drunk on a Saturday and he was his

customs on that so drink after services on Saturday and he was still drunk when he was going to serve

and he thought oh what am I going to do and so you know probably vanity and everything he

did want to tell the bishop so he went and served and he dropped the chalice and spilled it you

know now he has to tell the bishop he tells the bishop and the bishop summons him and says you

know come to my office so he comes and the bishop is very stern with him and it's late in the day

and it's very clear that bishop is just going to defrock him and the bishop the priest is trembling

and everything and the bishop says I don't have time the day you come see me in the morning

and we'll finish this then the bishop had a vision at night in which all these people came to him

and said what are you doing with our priest leave our priests alone don't you do anything to our

priest and it those were the dead that he was commemorating and so the next morning the bishop

tells him about this vision and he says you know I won't defrock you but you have to stop drinking

and and in the bishop consult him and then he actually stopped drinking and you know obviously

became better in serving as a priest but it was his praying for all of the dead that saved his

priesthood wow wow and it's so interesting too having coming out of Protestantism and there's this

like they they're like they're dead you can't pray for like just the dead's dead like you can't

pray for them there's no need to pray for them the saints aren't alive like they're dead too

well you know they don't say the saints aren't alive but they they just they're I don't know they

really don't define it they just they just they're sleeping or something yeah I don't they don't

get it I don't understand they don't understand when St. Peter says he says you know I will I will

endeavor after my deceased that you still have these things in remembrance it's like St. Peter says

I'm going to die but I'm still going to take care of you yeah St. Peter's speaking with confidence

that he knows that he's still going to be a pastor in their life but they don't take those

verses that way then you know right they take them whatever way they do I was talking to

none from Paris Gaville that was visiting my church and we were talking about Elder Ephraim he

started the monasteries and she said when he passed someone came up to her and said well who's

going to take over now that he's gone and she started laughing she goes what's not like you know

the church is a he needs a CEO or something like that Elder Ephraim still alive he's still here

he's still taking care of this place like we you know we have said we don't die it's not like

your die your dead you're done the saints are almost they're more alive almost you know in paradise

and that God you know said well they're definitely more they're definitely more alive they have

better intelligence and vision I mean how many prayers of St. Nicholas are being said right now

right you know two million ten million he hears everyone wow I mean that's by by the Holy

Spirit he can hear right because we definitely know that the demons cannot hear our thoughts nor

can anybody else but God can reveal our thoughts to a saintly person or to an angel but nobody can

read your thoughts right except only God knows them but certainly God reveals all these thoughts all

these prayers to all the saints yeah I'm glad you said that because my saint you know like I said

you know I'm a Lenny and my saint is Helen and she's a great saint oh she's a lot of people

saint and I want to feel closer to my saint and I actually was just thinking I was like kind of

talking to her and I'm like I know you have a lot of people that you're they're saint but maybe like

you could we could get to know each other better and it kind of hit me that same thing that the

saints they can almost it's like they they don't not like limited to just being with one person or

like having hearing the prayers of one person they're able to do much more than that where they are

right oh absolutely absolutely what I recommend you definitely is do a prostrationist to her every day

or three yeah hold the saint Helena pray for me yeah you know you know have her I have her icon right here

right next to your saint I brought one of my icons of saint Sarah from Sarah of out for our chat

yeah so that's that's another thing is that you know I always like to think about like

I'm getting so much clarity now that I'm orthodox from the teachings and Protestantism is

they have such a problem with um not just praying for the dead like they they just they don't

they don't do it and so they're missing out they're they're loved ones are missing out

on those prayers from them and it's actually it's very sad well they don't understand the resurrection

I don't believe the Protestants truly believe in the resurrection now they's doing a you know

objective way but they don't experience it like orthodox do I mean for us you know the saints

are alive and around us we have millions of occurrences of the saints doing things even for

just terrible people like me so uh it's it happens everywhere and they don't understand that the

resurrection means that they're they're loved ones they're still alive and those that are in

in paradise can certainly hear them and those that are not in paradise will pray for them

and may god have mercy on them so they don't understand that there's just this uh this weird

is a strange kind of uh bizarre delusion to believe in the Bible but not the church that wrote it

right right right i don't i don't i've never understood that that's really what led me to

Christianity because here we are preaching the the preaching the four spiritual laws on the

beaches of New Jersey and stuff and it's like what's our what's our authority for this

right you know it's like i interpret the Bible and you say oh Baptist and we all got to be

baptized it's to be born again to be born from above to become a new creature of for us that

this is a symbol you can only do it when you when you're like adult and you're showing the congregation

that you're that you're a believer well you know okay we read the same Bible and we come up with a

different conclusion we read John chapter six and came up with vastly different conclusions

yeah right yeah uh so where who's right there has to be the church

interpreting the Bible because the church wrote the Bible so they don't have that interpretation

and they don't have this um idea and it's not well developed among most or at the

luxuries to be honest but the church itself at its core has this idea of what our purpose is

and that that uh we we have fulfilled that purpose to become like the in the likeness of God

with watchfulness with repentance with remembrance of death with very many prayers etc they don't have

that idea at all they don't have this idea of uh you we talked about before we started nepsis

which i don't understand very well i can't claim to to understand it in terms of really

experientially but definitely i my whole soul knows that this is the way of life is to have

watchfulness and do always see everything as it really is never as it partially is and the only

way you could see everything is it really is if only God is we abide in your heart because God

sees everything as it is so if there's any darkness in your heart there might be something you see

in a distorted way or because of your ego or because of your passions or because of your ignorance

or whatever God has none of those things so if you see things learn to see things even partially

as God does then you're a seer of mysteries and they don't have any of that they don't have any of

that mystical tradition they don't have the idea that you pray the Jesus prayer until the prayer

starts to become active in you and then there's a sense of of God in you they don't understand that

to them that's like repetition i mean when i was a Protestant the only thing we did was uh we had

quiet time with our bible you know that was prayer right and there was nothing else you know

and once in a while some sweet person would say i'll have you in prayer and i thought no you won't

you didn't write about down my name and what are you going to do you're going to just pray for 180

people saying oh Father God i just want to pray for pray for Tim that that was my name well

before i was baptized right and you know that that he would that he would get a good grade in his

classes and i mean what are you going to do i mean it's it's it's kind of ludicrous you know

instead just pray for people with boy Jesus Christ had mercy or even lord had mercy and the ones

that are really sort of hit your heart in a certain way then you do frustrations for them

they don't have any of that they don't have any of that ascetical tradition and so they don't

understand the experience of God they experience they understand the knowledge about God but not the

experience of God as as a general rule but then again if you walk into any orthodox church and

you look around 90% of the people are the same do you think that that's more of a recent thing

that's happening in orthodoxy or do you think it's a kind of always spend that way

read this read the sermons of st. John chris's them he's complaining about the same stuff that

is happening to us that's true and Paul's letters right

Paul's letters to uh so i mean well they were they're they're a little different because they

were coming out of paganism and they still had all these old habits and stuff but we don't have

in our own excuses we've been way out of paganism and now as a as a christianity is diving back into

it with quotes around it of course we're not doing it but now Christianity is being defined as

whatever you want it to be right right right and people are defining it on their own as they read

the as they read the bible on their own and if you're a Protestant you don't have the church fathers

interpret their commentaries or the saints interpretations of things you're just figuring it out

on your own and then all of a sudden you've got a new another new denomination that's right and

there's no there's no continuity right and there's so that's why they they don't understand

prayer for people or or or that people would pray for them that are dead it just that's just

doesn't compute to them it sounds like um idolatry to them literally they get i know i know someone

that a person said i'm going to pray i'm praying for your mother she became angry what do you mean

you think she's in hell or something she's with Jesus right right just automatically just so

certain about it automatically i remember somebody had a i think an uncle and this uncle was

just a bad dude he'd been through multiple marriages multiple destructive relationships drugs

criminality blah blah blah he was a bad dude and he died and their comment was i'm so glad he's

with Jesus now because when he was 12 years old he won some camp and he went to the altar call

as we accepted Jesus in his heart and because of that he's with Jesus now and instead they should say

i love my uncle i loved him very much he really screwed up his life i'm going to pray for him the

rest of my life with a prostration right right that's a better approach you bring up prostrations

a lot i know that's a big part of your prayer life can you can you explain like to the listeners

who might not really understand the reason why we do prostrations and kind of like the more

depth behind that well we do prostrations the simple answer to all this stuff is we do some

prostrations because that's what the church does and we're obedient now you can understand why

but you don't have to understand why to do things and do things correctly so basically why do we

fast because we're obedient i mean that's a fundamental primary reason why do they're prostrations

because we're obedient why do we go to the surfaces to prepare for communion because we're

obedient well maybe maybe 20% of us are obedient about that you know to go to the

standard of your services but the reason we do prostrations is because when you do a prostration

your whole body is praying and you're also you're also putting yourself in a in a state of mind

of that you're you're weak and that you need God's mercy it's not like please don't judge me

please don't kill me because that's not what how we think of God what an idea to think of your

father is please don't kill me instead you you have awe before him and you just are overcome with

a sense at least theoretically a sense of God's greatness and your terribleness I guess it made

up a word and terrible yeah chief of sinners and so you do it you have a compunction when you're

saying doing the prostration and and prayer is it has to be quality and quantity so you

should do a lot of prayer and you should do it well yeah and prostrations help you to do

prayer better because it's better to concentrate it's better for concentration um in general I

injured my knees um in October I had a fall I felt on some stairs and landed on my knees and had

a really bad injury on them and they they've been very they're still swollen I still have like um

synovial fluid like underneath one and when I first what I was like I'm not going to be able to

prostrate like I like I'm not going to be able to lean on my knees and I was really going through it

at this time and I would remember the first time I just went into front of my you know my prayer

corner to cry in front of God and get down and prostrate to the ground to cry because I need

and it hurts so badly and I felt so much more how weak I am because of the injury on my knees and

and then going down to prostrate and feeling that pain and then even like at church where

you know there's times where we prostrate and doing that in front of everybody and having to get

it's so hard for me I get to put weight on my knees and to get down and it just isn't that injury

just increased my how I'm like oh I'm even weaker than I even realized when I so you mentioned

like we prostrate to kind of show how weak we are like I feel that for sure but you know

God gave me this injury too as a blessing I mean what's our major sin I mean our major sin is

we're proud right I mean somebody would argue it's vanity I still don't understand the difference

between pride and vanity I read read it all the time but basically we're proud right we're proud

we're vain we have a tendency to elevate ourselves we have a tendency to self idolize ourselves

to think of ourselves as the center of life like a one-year-old does and when you prostrate you're

trying to break you're breaking through that a little bit prostrations are so important for one

thing we're such lazy people and we're barely we're barely physically anymore and you know

it's it's healthier for us and when your blood is flowing you you can think better right I find

that definitely the case when I when I've prostrated and right now I'm doing 50 prostrations in the

morning and I sometimes do them you know without touching anything sometimes I have a stool and I

kind of put my hand against it a little bit because I feel kind of kind of stove up that morning

for a little while and then then I get back to doing them without touching anything but then I

do 50 prostrations and I'm warm and I'm I'm a more alert and I can pray I can pray better

it's it's just it's physical it's spiritual it's psychological it's all of those things

and it's we have to have a sentiment that that we are submitting ourselves to God

and then we wouldn't ask why did God do this to me why did God make all this gridlock in Austin how

dare he do that or why did my why did my son die or why did my dog die or why

why is the priest so mean or whatever it is right right so bringing up fasting kind of like

switching more into it means it's a great like kind of transition from praying,

prostration, obedience um I didn't realize this but the like when you look back in the garden of

Eden like they were fasting then right and then the first obedience was broke in the garden of

Eden because Eve she essentially ate from the tree that she was when we talk about how

obedience was broke in the garden of Eden and how fast yeah well let's talk about the progression

of sin first because that's I think that's important because certainly they were fasting

but they were eating delicious foods they were not fasting in the way we fast in which we

you know only fast there's certainly things that we would like to eat that we don't eat and

maybe we'd go hungry a little bit et cetera et cetera they they were not they were

satiated they were eating delicious food but Eve comes to the tree and the serpent is there

and Eve is no intention she's just walking by and she has no intentions of eating from the tree

she's you know my father told me not to do it so I'm not going to do it and then the serpent

talks to her and Eve answers and what Eve should have done is say I'm not talking to you I'm going

away right but she didn't do it so she allowed that first impulse to come in now that's not a sin

that's not a sin that's not it's not a sin it's not a sin and then the serpent says well you know

God doesn't want you to be like him you'll be eat this you'll become like gods that's the

honest truth that is God's truth that if they they will become like gods but not then they weren't

ready yet right so the serpent tells them a partial truth and it appeals to her vanity right

and she engages with these thoughts and even then she could have broken away but it was really

hard at that point and then she looks at the fruit and she said it looked good to eat right

the scripture says it looked good to eat right and then she ate it so she had the lust for food

after she had the provocation to her vanity so she hadn't listened to the serpent at all she

would have been home free if she had disengaged after the serpent says oh you'll become like gods

it's like are you stupid God is God and I'm his child you know I'm get away from me but no

she listened and then then she was broke the fast because she looked at the fruit and

thought it was good to eat so there's that progression it's really a fourfold progression

you have the provocation and then you either and then you either engage with it or you don't if

you engage with it you're going further down the line and then you get an attachment to it or

or a coupling to it and then there's the commission of the sin whether it's just in the thoughts or

in the actions right and so fasting is our way of being obedient to God we need to eat we we have

to eat so there's the old saying you can't eat just one potato chip but yes you know it's really

hard to eat one potato chip yeah so it's easy to eat no potato chips right so we have a really

in a desire to eat and we have a desire to eat good foods that are good and foods that we really

like and and stuff like that and it's fine to eat and delicious foods but it's also fine to put

foods in perspective because God is our life God is our bread so we put it in perspective our

fasting is not meant to fully debilitate us now with some of the really holy fathers and

mothers they did stuff that was just crazy but that was by the grace of God we shouldn't debilitate

ourselves by fasting but we should go hungry and we should eat less and we should definitely follow

the fast and to the extent that we're able and this always should be done under the counsel of

the spiritual father if you don't have a spiritual father if you're living in you know you know

out in the middle of nowhere and and there's no church well then I have people contact me from

like all these countries Pakistan and India and Korea and North Korea and I mean everywhere

and so they have any access to anything and so they you follow the fast of the church

but if you it's better if you have a spiritual father and and a lot of times the fast might be

mitigated because of a person's weakness but then it's been being done with a blessing right

it's not done with a blessing it's bad news right yeah I am I can be a little rigid when it comes

to fasting sometimes and I actually like I went to confession recently and told my spiritual

father I was I go I I had olive oil and Wednesday and he goes you have my blessing you just like

shot back right right but you have my blessing for that and it just like broke like I was like oh I

I just I guess it was just confessing and saying that I did that and not being so sometimes I

can be kind of fair cynical about it and just like want to follow like check all the boxes do it

perfectly but am I actually just am I doing this for obedience or am I like doing this you know to

to grow from the fast I mean the fast is supposed to be a struggle right it's not supposed to be

something that's easy for us you know I don't know about that I think the fast is just a way to

come become more alive I don't really yes they're struggling it but I don't consider it a struggle

yeah I don't think of it with those that terminology I actually feel more alive in great length

than any other time of the year yeah so I I love fasting now when I want to fast literally

for the rest of my life I don't know if I have the strength to do that but and I think it's good

the church has fasting it's feasting and we should just do with the church dance you know right

so the when we come in so now a new thing for me as a new Orthodox Christian was learning how much

that we fast you know I like we fast on Wednesdays and Fridays and we have the fast of the door

mission in the summer we have the the tote the fast for the positivity in about 40 days and

then around Christmas and then we have the great hunt fast and then we have the apostles fast

and every fat you know then there's like certain days where we get exceptions because it's maybe

a feast day or there's a certain saint where we can have some wine or some fish or something but

kind of like entering great length like we're basically going to be going like 40 days without

meat without dairy we'll have a couple you know on weekends we can have olive oil I believe in

some days wine if you can have olive oil you can have wine it's always olive oil and wine why is that

do you know I guess well the pressing of grapes the pressing of olives I guess it's wine and olive

oil go together now the the oil thing some people some people say that you know you can have other

oils and you know I don't care I really don't care I I personally would prefer not to have other

oils so personally in my own private eating I don't have oil but if somebody serves something with

oil and it's not all about fine you know I'm not going to have a conniption fit right you know

and some people also say wine is like wine and and hard liquor which is basically wine that's been

distilled but beer that's different you can have beer all right if you want to have beer go ahead

but I I've taken the more strict approach but when I was younger I didn't always I'd say oh I can

have beer that's funny so then fasting is more than just fasting from foods too right if somebody's

in a marital relation marital relations are to be fat we're supposed to be fasting from that type of

yes that's the that's the the optimum but that is something that has to really occur

under this the supervision of a spiritual father first we don't eat meat then we don't eat

cheese and eggs well I guess then we don't eat we don't eat meat we don't eat cheese and eggs we

don't eat fish and then we don't eat wine and oil right we have a progression and there are days

that you can have one but not the other etc etc if you can have wine you can have oil if you can

have fish you can have wine and oil as well if you can have eggs like we can this week then you

can obviously have fish wine and oil right so like this week we can everything except meat are

we can choose to have everything except meat you can have anything you want you want to go to

want a burger go ahead but that's your choice we should choose not to choose not to have foods

out of obedience and that's where it's really really useful but it's and that's the same thing now

the greatest progression would be for a marital couple to to be apart from one another to not come

together for the purposes of prayer okay that's right there in the scripture so we could we stay

away from one another for prayer not just for some sort of piety right and if one person

doesn't have the strength for that then the other person must participate in sexual relations

gladly not like you know okay I know you got to do this no it's it's that's very important

same Paul same Paul did something that was unbelievably revolutionary for the time he he not only

said that the woman's body belongs to the man which is like duh from time immemorial man

have possessed women right it's a terrible truth right he said that of course he didn't mean it

in that in that terminology like the pagans would possess a woman but he meant that the man's

marital conjugal rights the woman must respect them then he said the man's body belongs to the woman

the exact same thing which is revolutionary it's like women are an equal setting here firm

equally have sexual rights as much as men now we all know that men tend to be more sexual than

women but a woman has sexual rights as much as a man does so the two must decide to not come

together for the purposes of prayer and if one is weaker than go you know then they shouldn't

what I tell people is if especially if a woman she might have become an orthodox Christian she might

have been baptized when she was in Russia but she married somebody who wasn't you know orthodox

or whatever and then she's pious and he's not and if he wants to have sex on Saturday night

then I say be obedient and yes you may come to communion now maybe some people are horrified at

that but let them be horrified right right well we're not supposed to judge each other right

and like everybody's got it's kind of getting out like to like different medicine from God you know

for different you know right but it's really important you've got to do the other stuff before

you try to stay apart from each other in sexual relations so in general with young married couples

I would say you know limit your sexual sexual liaisons don't don't do it I was a Friday try not to

have sex on on Monday but do not allow yourself to become tempted especially because we're in a

culture now that people have been exposed to such uncleanliness before they're married right

and the the whole culture is the wash with uncleanliness with perversion that it's very easy

for a person to slip into porn masturbation bitterness irritation all those things are much more

terrible sins than coming together on the marriage bed right right right right I so I do not

absolutely so I do not limit people I try to say limit yourself in some way

you know but don't don't make it to be your your your idol that you have to do this I want you not

to be eating meat you know not to be in cheese and eggs etc etc and even those things some people

can't handle it right you know I mean it's really bad as a as a mother as a father as a priest

anybody who's has authority you should not tell somebody to do something they are not capable of

doing that's a sin because it creates like a stumbling block for them or exactly you should move

them towards the ability to like your spiritual father what did he do you have a blessing yeah I

was surprised you know you know why he did why tell me did because he wanted by his blessing to

remove the sin oh see so because it is love for you he's like oh I don't want it to be responsible

for that I you have a blessing so and I have a story for that that's that I heard in

in Greece from father so he there's a there's a monk there he was the abbot for a long time for the

Kippurinos and he was obviously he's very old now and he's has some dimension he's a sweet man

but he's was the abbot there but before that of course he was a novice and he was this and this and

this and this so he was a young monk on a monastery in I believe I believe it was the man out there

but it might not a bit I think it was and anyway he was told there were some people coming and they

told him oh you need to fry up some potatoes for them they were able to have fried potatoes twice

a year in the monastery twice a year and everybody was like really looking forward to it but this was

not one of those days so he was supposed to fry the potatoes and give them to them right and of

course he wasn't supposed to eat any and he listened to his thoughts and it's like why are they

why won't they let me have some and all you know I'll just have a few so he just he lost his his

ability to resist that's in he locked the door to the kitchen and he started frying potatoes and then

he also got some soap suds and like like he was supposedly cleaning and people would not

gonna do and he'd say oh I'm cleaning I can't don't come in yet and et cetera et cetera his

spiritual father was praying and by by God's allowance knew this was happening he came to the door

Father Kippurinos you know through the praise of our Holy Father's and he doesn't hear anything

and through the praise of our Holy Father's he doesn't hear the Father Kippurinos I know you're

in not it wasn't Kippurinos then I I think his name is Kippurubim I don't remember and I know

you're in there oh Father I'm I'm washing dishes and everything he says I I know that you're

cooking potatoes and you're eating them and and he opens the door and he's like all that and then

he comes in weeping his spiritual father and what he says is I give you a blessing to have to

eat potatoes I don't want this to be your sin and he was weeping because he knew that his spiritual

son was committing the sin wow you know and and that was the last major encounter he had with

the spiritual father I think he died the the next the he he said something like I I know that

I'm dying soon and I don't want this sin to be on you so I'm I'm taking it off wow and you

imagine instead of like going in you're eating potatoes you're dissipating you're 500 prostrations

you know you know no ice cream after dinner and instead he was like I'll take the sin upon myself

God bless you wow did you imagine that's a whole different way of looking at things you know

yeah no and now I understand why I got the blessing for the olive oil like I didn't I mean I

I was I thought oh it's supposed to be because I'm so rigid he's trying to you know teach me

and then now I'm talking with you and it kind of it just clicks like yeah he's covering that sin

and he yeah by saying that yeah wow I mean so if you're if you have a tendency if yeah they're

awesome if you have a tendency towards rigidity then you know he's gonna do that another

spiritual father might say well you know you shouldn't have done that God bless you but don't do it

again or whatever but his approach was God bless you because he didn't he didn't want you to

ruminate on the sin yeah well and then I had I think it was last week I didn't realize that

you know I went I was at went to the you know the my church the monastery I go to and uh it was a

when it was a Wednesday and there were hard boiled eggs out serve for breakfast after

liturgy and I was so excited I was like oh I'm gonna go have an uh you know hard boiled egg and I

get the egg and I start peeling it and uh friend of mine next to me goes you know that if you want

a commune on Sunday you have to fast still on Wednesday and Friday and I stopped and my heart almost

broke because I was gonna put salt and pepper on the egg I was really excited yeah and it was like

so excited eat this egg I'm gonna oh well I really want a commune on Sunday so I was like I'll

take this egg home and I'll I'll um give it to my dogs and I was there waiting around after

liturgy to see my spiritual father and so I went in to see him and um it's actually while I was

waiting to see him he sent one of the fathers out to ask if I wanted a cup of coffee while I was

waiting because he was going to be a little bit longer and I'm like oh no I couldn't bother you

for cup of coffee I'm fine I'm fine I know thank you so I get in to see my spiritual father and

instantly he goes you didn't get a cup of coffee and I was like no I didn't want to bother the

father for a cup of coffee and he radios him and he's like a Lenny's right here she was too shy to

ask for a cup of coffee get her a cup of coffee and then he goes you want what kind of coffee do

you want and I look down he has one and I'm like I think there's cream in it and I go well we can't

have cream so I'll just have black coffee he goes and he's like he goes she'll have you know cream

in her coffee too and then and then I go well I didn't want to I want to be able to commune on

Sunday though and I go and I go and I pull out the egg and I go I have this egg that was gonna

eat it but then I heard that if I eat this egg I won't be looking and he goes eat the egg right

now he goes pull up and then I go and then he radios the father guy goes bring a Lenny some salt

and pepper too for the egg and then I go well I go but if I eat this egg now I was like I don't

really like the yoke and so then I'm have to set that aside because I'm getting all awkward he

goes you don't eat the yoke he goes you need the yoke for your brain so he goes eat the yoke eat

the egg he breaks and have salt and pepper's it the father brings me a coffee he's like oh

it's this whole thing was just this beautiful moment of medicine for me and I needed I needed that

and I need and of course he said you tomorrow you can just um I'm Saturday just make sure you

don't have olive oil and you follow the fasting that day you'll be fine to commune on Sunday so

he gave me the blessing for all that but yeah I ate that it was such a good egg there's another

there's another person that that went through some difficult times and was is at the monastery it

is still around uh well it's now around the monastery in in um Arizona and she was just a mess

and she was just having trouble staying her prayers and stuff and so she uh didn't say her communion

prayers and I think he met her before something and she she was like how to look he says what's

wrong I didn't say my communion prayers so I can't commune he says you can commune just say

them afterwards can you imagine I mean this is this is this is this is love this is what a

spiritual father does it's not like we should just make this for everybody but these exceptions

are are beautiful little economies right yes but it's not it's not a rule for everybody it's not

like you can eat eggs and then have communion right but in your case you needed that and and I love

how he forced you to eat stuff and and that's really really good why is it that we do this fasting

during great lunch can you explain why that this long fast happens while we go through great

lunch and we go through the resurrection of Christ oh sure sure because because fasting really really

helps you spiritually if you do it with the right intention then uh it really really helps you

become just more intelligent spiritually uh more vigorous spiritually I'm more vigorous in my body

when I fast I you know I know I know not everybody's like that but uh certainly prayer is easier when

I'm fasting and the whole purpose of great land is to meet God is to somehow change to open your

heart and God comes in and God is always here to come in but we're we're not always open to him so

we can't do it for 365 days but we can for these 50 days basically we can be fasting and praying

and and saying the prayer of Saint Ephraim all every weekday and all these things which is more

intense and so it's like a sprint for for that period of time you can't sprint the whole time

but you can you can now we have 50 days of the year approximately where we're going to be fasting

and praying and being more intense about it but by no means should we be saying oh lent is so hard

oh it's so hard not to have me oh oh I'm so tired no all these things are to bring you to a better

awareness a better watchfulness a better sense of feeling God in your heart I'm more alive during

great length than any other time of the year and and does it get tiring sometimes yes but uh

is it hard sometimes I don't I don't eat before uh pre sanctified liturgy I don't require that

of my parishioners they have to not eat after basically after we have one morning and one evening

and the evening one I don't eat yeah fast all day fast all day with the exception that I'll drink

coffee in the morning right and because I found that I just that is I I I'm able to carry over

with coffee maybe some people can do it without coffee I bless them uh you know what you're

roasting your own beans your coffee's excellent I'm sure it's good yeah I should I should during

great land I should only drink Folger's coffee oh no that's terrible that's terrible oh that's

so terrible I have issues with gluttony sometimes where I like I'm an extremist where I can like go

without I can not eat but then like get the food and it's like oh it's cheese fair week

I'm gonna eat all the cheese I can I'm gonna cheese cake I'm I'm cheese pizza and all this and

I'd have too much and I feel like when you think of like the passions and the way to help

heal the passions is with the virtue you know the opposite of that and so fasting is a good thing

for me to combat my glut my you know my falling into gluttony I so I do I'm looking forward to

practicing fasting and practicing um the you know not having as much and I also uh I wanted to

kind of talk about not you know there's the fast where it's like you can't have the dairy you

can't have the meat you can't have these certain things but there's also fasting where you're not

eating if you kind of just said that because before we have communion we're supposed to have prepared

with prayer and fasting and the blessing of our spiritual father before we commune I don't know

like I don't you know for at least you know midnight I don't have any water before I commune

we don't have any you know no food before um yeah we that's that's that's a that's a standing rule

yeah and so throughout we know when lent is happening you mentioned that you're not eating before

the pre sanctified liturgies um how do you go like long do you go for a couple days ever during

let where you're not eating at all like do you well there's a tradition that there's a tradition uh

that uh for the first three days of lunch you don't eat on Monday you don't eat on Tuesday

and then you'll eat on Wednesday after pre sanctified liturgy uh vespers in the evening and I

follow that tradition but I do drink coffee right but I'll tell you something about that tradition uh

in uh simino petra where uh bishop emina north is from and he just was at our parish and he was

talking to our catacombs and in this he had so many nuggets it's just it's an hour and a half of

of gold and one it's there now yeah well it's it's on the youtube website youtube website

youtube yeah yeah um orthodox net is the is the youtube uh um whatever it's called um channel channel

so anyway he said that the the the custom was in semen of petra you don't have

water you don't have anything until Wednesday night nothing wow and so and he'd done that several times

and he was gonna do it again and he just got sick uh and that started vomiting I think it was on

Tuesday right and he goes to uh his elder who is

uh elder emily knows who's if he's not a saint that we betters we bet a quitter right now

he's not declared a saint but he was certainly holy and the the elder said he tells him

I elder you know I'm throwing up I I don't know what to do and the elder literally told him he

says what are you stupid you need to eat something and and so he says go get a coffee and and some water

and some dried bread and you'll and you'll be better yeah and so it's like dude if you can't do it

you can't do it right okay so I don't require things to do people to do things they cannot do but I

do try to stretch them beyond what they think they can do yeah you know that's kind of the

purpose of you said in light we're supposed to change and grow through that experience right so

try to fast and you know maybe you'll break the fast and you'll go to the habit and and he'll say

you know well god bless you you shouldn't do that or maybe he'll say I bless you to eat an egg

but there's another story from Jordanville Archbishop Averike was there some novice or some I don't

remember who it was but he was getting all uppity about about fasting during great length oh I

think what it was this Archbishop Averike asked for an Oreo cookie and I might be confedulating

two stories but it's better this way anyway so he's once an Oreo cookie and the person says

of Ladica that has milk products in it I don't think Oreo cookies have food in it but I don't

think there's any food in it at all but anyway so he says I asked for a cookie not a glass of milk

and so he had that cookie and then I might be the same one but there was somebody was really

getting uppity about fasting and everything and he says you have to go into town and you have to

two hamburgers bring them bring them back and eat them in front of me this is during great length

you have to eat hamburgers in front of me because I'm tired of you talking about this stuff

yeah because he was you know fasting sounded good if you're bragging about it if you're

complaining about it fasting is good if you're struggling and you know if you're not able to fast

okay well then you you tell your spiritual father and your spiritual father says you know

what is stupid is not a big deal or he might say you know you should try harder or you know etc etc

you know that's fun yeah it's very it's extremely personal it's extremely personal

that's right yep and that's why we all need spiritual fathers too I feel like that was the first

thing I wanted once I was baptized as well as like I need a spiritual father like I can't do this

alone like I you know I need the guidance of an elder so important to have that how quickly do

you think that people should get a spiritual father oh that's an interesting question I think

pretty pretty quickly I suppose it really depends on sometimes people they have to have some of

the gunk worked out of them and they don't they won't listen to a spiritual father or they'll just

become hyper fixated you know and and and not follow them in a in a healthy way I have an awful

lot of catechumans and I'm trying to act as a spiritual father to them that's all all they got is

me you know so I'm trying to do my best for them so really from the beginning as far as I'm concerned

yeah I there's something I wanted to circle background that we've talked about at the beginning

you mentioned that you come into going to the prisons and that you are serving

liturgy and you you baptized well I have I that's that's been some time ago but yeah I think it's

awesome that you go into the prisons and do that because I've wondered like what is that like

because I have a friend of mine whose boyfriend is in prison and I've learned a lot about

you what how awful the conditions are for me they don't turn the lights off at night in the

summer they'll put the heat on so the air conditioning like just they barely feed them like when

you mentioned like the vending machines will be on Saturdays people are visiting it's like the

most exciting thing to get you know a hot pocket from the vending machine room it's just a horrible

environment for people and nobody should have to be in that awful environment and then I've also

thought in my head but how do they get the liturgy like how would you celebrate your like practice

your faith when you're in prison and hearing that you've gone into the prisons and that you've been

there for these prisoners I think it's just such an amazing thing that you offer can you talk a

little bit share a little bit as we finish up our conversation kind of how you got into doing the

work and the I haven't been in the prison for a while they kind of made it very difficult for me

because of their staffing and I was going on Mondays and I haven't gone for a year I think

the pandemic that shut me down I was going to I was doing 10 prison visits a month and then

the pandemic came and of course they shut us down and I think really it was easier for them to say

oh you know we have to be shut down because of this you know manufactured virus yeah yeah say

what it is literally manufactured virus and it's easier for us to say we can't do it because we

ease our staffing and everything so we were really shut down for about two years and then I was

able to keep going start going again to a unit that I've been going to but I went on Monday which

means I could go down their Saturday Sunday night and stay and then my my commute would be easier

because it was it's a three and a half hours and if I if I see them eight in the morning I'm getting

up at three at the at three is too late and may I can hardly say my prayers by getting up at three

so it was easier to me to to go down to the hotel and then and then go to see them and so

that was easy Monday was was was workable in my schedule and really no other day was workable

anymore and then they said oh we don't have any staffing we we can only have three days a week and

they offered me you can come Wednesday it's like right you know Wednesday night at seven o'clock going

through rush hour traffic to get there and then I'm going home I won't get to bed until one o'clock

and I serve liturgy at six in the morning on Thursday so I mean now so I stopped going but

Father David Campanek he's a real workhorse down in Houston and he's going to a zillion prisons

he started after me so I started because I met a guy came to came to the church when we were in

Dallas he came with the parishioners that knew him and he wasn't orthodox but he just seemed

troubled about something so at the end of the liturgy we had didn't lunch and stuff and I said

underneath a hackberry tree and we literally talked to him for five hours it turns out that he had

committed a crime and that he was running and that he he didn't tell me about that but he really

told me about so many difficulties in this life and he eventually gave himself up on Wednesday

and then so he goes to Fort Worth jail on Wednesday and and I go start to visit him this

the guy didn't know from Adam right start to visit him just he he was really a mess

psychologically and just started talking to him and I visited him like as often as I could in

the Fort Worth jail and then I would he what he was convicted eventually and he went to the

Hughes unit well he did he went to one unit before that but he eventually got to the Hughes unit

and I would visit him and you talk by the phones you know like on movies you know it that's

horrible that's horrific right through glass and everything so I was asking how can I get a

contact visit with this oh you could become a volunteer chaplain so I went through the volunteer

you know training which is only one day and then I was able to have contact visits and that

as it were services with him so we would be in the chapel or we'd be in the library and

you know I could have a prayer service I could to counsel him etc and eventually he's he wanted

to become orthodox and so he was and asked I categorized him turns out that there were two

people in the prison that that one was orthodox and one was wanting to be orthodox they find out

about me they come to the baptism and then I categorized the other one and he's baptized and now

we have three then we have four five or six and then they know people of course that are in

like other units and I contact them and all of a sudden I'm going to like three units and then

eventually it expanded to five units and in my heyday I was going on Tuesday night and a Wednesday

for one person then Tuesday night and Wednesday for two prisons and then go down to a huntsville

stay overnight and then two more prisons to come home on on Thursday yeah and drive in like

1,500 miles or more I went to a couple other prisons here and there and I'll develop because I set

under a hackberry tree and talk with this guy wow wow it's amazing I mean it so much can come out

of just one encounter yeah yeah yeah like what happened with Daniel you know and how Daniel's

list came out and all these people are being prayed for now and you have his experience with this

gentleman under the hackberry tree and then you're going to the prison and then also in your

busy so many people and other people you know one or one person's baptized and people see that

baptism then they want to be baptized it's just it really you know the way that we live our life

and like God being like an ontological experience rather than just this knowledge thing it's it's

it's an experience that we have in life absolutely everything everything matters everything matters so

if you live life in a spiritual way and I'm not claiming that I live life very spiritually

more spiritually than I used to for sure that's that's true you'll just see things and then

you'll react to them but speaking of seeing things behind you you have a some art that's new

from the last time we interviewed and it's the little prince it's from the little prince and I got

the book the little prince off your suggestion because you had mentioned it was important to Daniel

right or a book that reminds you of your son do you want to explain why you have the little

prince behind you yeah well yeah oh yeah yeah Daniel went to a French bookstore that was

specializing in books of all languages when he was in France and he got the little prince

and read it in a cab on the way somewhere literally read the whole book because the book you

can read the book in less than an hour yeah and it's very whimsical but it's it is it's of morality

play it's it's a it's a parable and it's really beautiful I I counted among the finest of literature

and I would put it right up there with Moby Dick and you know everything to crime and punishment

all the rest because it just has a message and it's a beautiful message and he loved that he wrote

about it in his phone we actually got the contents of his phone because the password he had used

was always the one he used for his lunch password at school so we we had it from years of marine

to remember it and we unlocked the phone and we got all these messages he actually written a letter

to us the whole family two years before when he started college and he'd written like if I'm

somehow incapacitated I want to say these things to you because obviously I won't be able to say

them to you because I might be dead or I might be in a coma or something and he literally said all

these things to various people so one of these days I'm going to make a tapestry out of that and

the whole thing is going to be written out but so he he really loved the little prince and we just

kind of connected with it immediately there's the fox there and his relationship with the fox

is amazing and there's things that he said that the fox says that he says it's just it's just

beautiful and there's so much spiritual meaning in the little prince so much so much so much

and so I read it every year and it's just kind of our connection with Daniel so now we have little

prince coffee cups and we have little prince comforter blankets and I think we have the little

prince of like eight languages people have given it to us and stuff like that and of course

down this tapestry that was given to me one I don't remember when I love it I love seeing that back

behind he makes me smile so much hearing about Daniel and hearing you talk about him and just so

many amazing things about your son and just hearing that he I mean he was what if he passed away

when he was in his early 20s right so he was 20 years old so he would have written that letter if

it was two years before that when he was 18 I mean that's a very mature you know thinking to have

that letter to say that those things you know at such a young age just a really a really beautiful

soul and through that loss you know what has come out of it like you were saying how you have

this ability to relate to others now and how you pray even more now you've been through that

Daniel's list is you know available for people that need it's not updated I updated occasionally

but you know it's gotten longer on your website and also I want to mention before we

and this conversation here is that your church is growing quite a bit right in McKinney and you

have you're you're trying to have you acquired the new property already to build the new property

we really thought about and it turns out that we would have been running a deficit of at least

$4,000 a month okay that you know money we didn't have that we wouldn't have been able to pay

so you know we we just couldn't make it work out we could have maybe done a few things

but it just didn't seem like it was it was God's plan for us and we've had a lot of things that

have come through like that you know the thing is I mean we've got gotten up to about 400 grand

in our in our building fund and that you know we probably need four times ten times that to really

build and so you know you can obviously have a mortgage and stuff like that so we're just in

this situation we have we have two pastors two priests so we have two liturgies because we have

one in our hall which is just a house that is a big house that's near us so it's like a three-minute

walk from the church so we have one there and we have one of obviously in the in the temple and

then the temple we could have 180 people and that's really really tight I mean I would say normally

we have 160 and and then then we have could have 80 people in the hall so we could have we could

have usually somewhere 220 total something like that every Sunday and then we we have quite a

few people come for vespers we can fit them in the temple for vespers we probably be 90 vespers and

mountains the individual probably 90 all the way a total for the for that day and we're just

our out of room you know yeah and but we're and we have we can pay our little bills and everything

else but like a lot of parishes we just don't have the oomph to get to the next level right now so

well everybody listed if you have some you know hat what we're saying we're going to have

million dollars to donate in or ten dollars or whatever you have a dollar like please

consider donating to yeah we have a we have a fun a go fund me thing not go fund me give said go

okay uh and it's on the website and um and I'll put the link we also are on the bio forever yeah you

can put the link yep and we also uh we pray for people that uh that that will donate really

continually we're trying to get them to say just their families because when people give us

50 names I believe we have literally probably 3000 names that we pray for now from all of that

we've this is our third fundraiser in effort and uh and we have just this gargantuan number of

people that we're praying for like for the the term of the parish I mean we're praying from every

every every liturgy uh we know how we're hoping is we've been talking about that a lot in this

episode what we're hoping is that there's people that say wow you know I really love your videos

or I I love your church or I etc etc and I want to give you either give you money or

men people can't always give money but I'll give a friendly loan like we already have one person

is guaranteed 30 thousand dollars so that will be given to us and then we'll pay it back interest

free I don't know what we'll decide on the term 10 years or whatever and then but it would be

amazing if we had like a half a million dollar or a million dollar friendly loan now obviously that

Pete that for people who can afford to lose the money because we're pro out promising we'll pay it

back we've always paid everything back but there's a risk right right and uh and then we would be

able to get started because the friendly loan is not anything that we would disclose to the bank

we would just have the money you know right right well everybody so that's what we're hoping yeah

that's what we're hoping somebody says you know you know I'm hoping you know I thought I

should go try to avenge somebody on the Dallas stars there must be somebody that's a orthodox

Russian there's a couple Russian players maybe maybe go to that basketball the Dallas stars

basketball uh well you know I it's a I don't know where their Lucas look at Donches who's no longer

with the Mavericks uh if from Slovenia there's slight possibility he'd be orthodox more likely

Roman Catholic uh he didn't seem like the most pious individual of all time anyway but can you

imagine he becomes orthodox and he ties his income you're getting like you know yeah they're getting

like three million dollars a year yeah that would be that would be it that would do it all that would

be I mean rich rich people need to be saved too that's the change that somebody could make if

you're given that kind of money I mean you can't build up your treasures here like for what like

you can't take them with you so yeah I want to baptize some rich people

well I wish I had if I had and I would give it to you um maybe uh you know well but everybody

listening you know a little bit here a little bit there is really helpful father Sarah from

his kind enough to come on the podcast and share his wisdom with us God's wisdom and he's praying

teaching us and he's making us laugh I'm still laughing about what you said about Oreos I agree

I don't really think they are food either like and there's a lot of symbolism also about

the stamping on Oreos which is tied to the occult but um they spent a pleasure chatting with you

again father Sarah from so much joy I smile so much um be you know having these connections and these

conversations with you and your love for Daniel is so beautiful it's so strong and I think it's

such an important message for people because we're all going to go through loss there's no way to

it like he said we're uh each one of us is going to die all of everybody's going to pass on like

that's inevitable and so being able to look at that and not just like a human loss but see

it as like the spiritual growth that comes out of that it's really a powerful shift and it's

it's important message to share so thank you for coming on here and talking about that

I want to say something about that real quickly because yes um you know I I adapted to the death of

my son in a certain way and there's been many positives uh and that doesn't mean that anybody who

has more trouble with things says to say oh I'm terrible you need to talk to people um that know

what they're doing you know somebody like me who's gone through grief I'm not going to expect people

to go through grief the same way I did right right and I don't want people to feel like failures

just like your spiritual father says I bless you you can you you can have the olive oil right because

he didn't want you to feel like a failure right and um so it's very important and the untold story

is the the seven almost eight years now because it's eight years in June of life that I've gone

through after Daniel's death there's been ups and downs you know there's been you know feeling

uh very sad there's all that stuff but there's been an upward trajectory that I would say has never

stopped uh but that's because I had spirituality before Daniel died right if I didn't have it then

I would have been really lost so and the people that don't have spirituality and somebody dies

they have to come to loving spiritual fathers like yours who are gonna get them through and not

try to make them fulfill every single rule but more just you know be loved yeah I just recently

I have a little rant I won't mention the priest but it's a well-known internet priest and he warned

somebody against me he says uh don't go to Rokor don't go to Rokor because they're they're they're too

strict and and it's like he has no idea what he's talking about uh you know your monastery

uh uh uh it's uh holy archangels and certainly St. Anthony's this is known as being strict

yeah yeah and what do they do and they're making people eat eggs with cream in their coffee

right I mean because because because the strictness is something that if you could attain it yes

but if someone loves you they're not gonna force you to do things and this this not

strictness at whatever I say in public to people if person who knows me I'm going to I'm going to

change it when I talk to them privately right and it's it's it's kind of like that I tell people

to come to vigil right and people say can I have a blessing not to be a vigil today I have to do this

I say God bless you God bless you God bless you good I'm just a rubber stamp machine for blessings

and because and and some people have figured it out right they're asking me every Saturday I can't come

to vigil but uh most people are not taking advantage of it the idea of being super strict is just

stupid yeah we're not super strict we're not super strict fasting is not super strict doing

prostrations is not super strict reading the Psalter is not super strict it's not it's just it's

the way of life now if you you know I read a cathedral at least today and I read other things as

well and uh but let's say you can't okay can you read one Psalm all right you're you're on the road

right right but that's under the counsel of a spiritual father people shouldn't this super strictness

is just so stupid yeah there is I hear people calling me or calling rogue or super strict and

no idea what they're talking about I was they have no idea what they're talking about

when I left my first church I became a Catholic human that was Antiochian and they would not I've

mentioned last time they would not baptize me with christmas which I was like I want to be baptized

because there's one baptism I don't believe that the grace of you know the divine grace is found

outside the church you know that goes that the grace is in the sackedness in the church my

Protestant baptism was empty of that and so I ended up leaving that church and for a couple

months as I was still looking for where I was gonna end up I went to a row court church but

I told someone from the Antiochian church that I left that I was gonna go to a row court church

and she warned me exactly what you're saying boy I have to warn you they're really strict and they're

kind of fanatical and all this and I was then I went to the row court church and I loved it

actually it was they would baptize me I was like if that's the strictness they're talking about

then this is a strictness I want because I do I believe we should be baptizing everyone and you

know follow I think that you know what I love about orthodoxy is that it has stayed the same

like I don't want to Protestant church with a rock band is that is that not strict where they

have the rock band or they're not baptizing people or like you're making you know you've got

pews and everybody's sitting I mean I maybe I do sound a little you know fanatical sometimes but

I want to keep things the way it's always been and that's why I think these obediencees or call you

know they help adhere to that tradition and that's the tradition that the church fathers use

and the saints use to interpret the scripture which keeps it the same as it's always been

well you gave that example up I think that people are forcing people not to be baptized are

really strict oh wow they're really strict about you know because they're giving into the modernism

there's there's nuance to this it's it's not heretical to prismate somebody it is heretical to

prismate somebody because you you say you're you're not allowed to baptize them right right because

then you're you're assuming there's grace outside of the church right and and you know my position

my super strict position is to baptize everybody yep for sure you know very good no I I agree with

you I just put out a two-part series with father Peter here is where we talked all about baptism

and what the church father says with the tradition says with the canon say we did an episode on

economy because economy which is the exception to the rule is unfortunately often they're making the

exception the rule and we you know like I believe that everyone I feel I feel so strongly and I'm

trying not to get worked up about it that every convert should be baptized I don't and if you

were not baptized in the church you have not been baptized there is no rebaptism you haven't been

baptized you know you know if you were born orthodox and you were baptized as a baby then you

wouldn't be baptized again but if you had a Protestant ceremony or ritual I don't even know what to

call it the Ted talk on stage dunking like I had that's not a they call the baptism but it's in

it's not it's not the nice increase one baptism that has the grace of God that comes through the priest

well in the church you preach your preaching of the choir but certainly chrismation is is

possible and many people have been chrismated many people have been incorrectly baptized there

there are churches now that are only porting yeah and that's terrible yeah because then it looks

like a Roman Catholic baptism and really they're starting to believe just like the Roman Catholics

and that's a terrible thing so there's a progression a slide into heresy that is going to change

things a lot and eventually I think they'll be a schism and eventually they won't just you know

do whatever weird stuff they do in closed rooms but they're gonna do you know the Pope and the

patriarch are gonna celebrate liturgy and then then there's like there's something clear cut but

until then we just do we just I I'm gonna do the best best best I can I'm gonna baptize people

and that's all there is to it and even if people come to me and with my bishops blessing if

they've really been miss really been mistreated I've chrismated people and I know some people get

really mad about that well what about mistreating people and not allowing them baptism yep you know

yep you know that's a re it's a reaction to their problem it's it's not my so I know a lot of

people could really get angry about that okay fine but we have to follow I know that manathus

way I I really comfortable with manathus manathism and they've been doing it right for a long time

yeah there's their inroads in my manathus that are that are taken away that but still there's

the real deal there and by the way do you know that you must have done your did you do your stuff

with father Peter before or after he was accepted into the remaining we interviewed just before but

I put the episode out last week and I added into it that he's been accepted

okay yeah because he's been accepted yeah I mean he was really exiled for for completely

fallacious reasons yeah he's a good friend he's a good friend of mine and I'm always gonna

stand and have his back and he and I have very similar points of view not identical because

we're not robots yeah yeah yeah none of none of and none of us like see things that absolutely

the same you know some of us you know like I said I have to eat the egg when our spiritual father

says that and some of us don't but yeah no I love father Peter so much and I was honored to get

to talk to him about baptism yeah I haven't listened to that when I generally don't listen to

podcast too much but maybe I'll do that I'll put it out honestly it just last week but it's

barely hasn't even been out a week yet and we talked about the reception of the heterodox the

book that uncut mountain press put out and we just looked at what are the church fathers say

what is Canon 40 what is Saint Basil saying Canon 47 let's talk about Canon 95 that people try to

use you know to say oh you don't need to be baptized because look at these heresies from 2000

years ago and that type of thing and you know we really went into detail and discuss all this because

I get lots of messages from people through my social media from sharing my story

better catacumans and they're being told the same thing that they can't be baptized or even worse

I have people I've talked to that have been orthodox 20 30 years and they were just

chrismated and they regret it to this day and it's not that someone's not orthodox if they're just

chrismated that's not what I'm saying here I'm just you know I just really believe like

from my experience after I was baptized orthodox that was the most massive change I've ever

felt in my entire life and I didn't feel that I agree with you even people that were

chrismated there's people that have transformations when they were baptized when they because they

had been mistreated we that's just the it's unfortunate that this this occurs but we have to have

a sense of pastoral work I would say that the major reason why there should only be baptism

it's it's not so much a theological reason because the books allow for chrismation

actually the books allow for chrismation strictly speaking when the form of baptism has been done

in the name of the holy trinity nobody does it nobody all the only people that would do the form

of baptism as the books require is the cops who would baptize in the name of the trinity with

three immersions nobody else does it right the Roman Catholics do a little pouring from a little

seashell or something the Baptist will do one immersion some people do it in the name of Christ a

lot of people do some people literally do in the name of the creator sanctifier redeemer they even

use feminist language yeah I mean in the in the angle can you have no idea what they're gonna do

no idea in fact I know people who were in the episcopal church that said that they were they saw

baptisms where a person was baptized in the name of creator sanctifier redeemer or even feminist

language but the documents said baptized in the name of the holy trinity so it was a lie right

so but the reason why I think baptism has to be done universally is a pastoral reason and we don't

have very many pastors anymore people are very broken people are coming from such crazy beliefs

from from strange religions and from strange rather their Christian or not it's so much that's

such a cacophony and they have so much that's wrong with their lives in terms of how they were

brought up and sexual abuse and and promiscuity and sexual depravity and all this stuff and so people

need healing and they need to be have a place where it's like this is the church and out there

there is not the church yep and and they don't have that and there are being told we are

christ made in you because you're already baptized well if I'm already baptized why if I had such a

weird life for the last 20 years I mean why I've been a Christian on my life why haven't I had

grace what clearly I've done this I've done that they don't it doesn't make any sense to them yeah

so baptism is a pastoral thing and now I know of people that have reported to me that that in one

jurisdiction they have people calling like the the priest or even calling let's say the the star

rista at the warden and saying has has the priest done any baptisms of people that are that that

like a Roman his he baptized in a Roman Catholics he would get suspended for that so they're they're

literally they're literally ordering their priest what to do and the priest have some of them have

no recourse and they're literally watching them literally I've heard reports that they're literally

watching them my bishop doesn't do that to me my bishop trust me my bishop knows me now I've

done things and my bishop is I've gotten in trouble with him because but he's said Father

Seraphim don't do that or Father Seraphim you shouldn't have done that or Father Seraphim you need

to apologize right you know but but he's but he's not like literally watching over me like a hawk

right you know and they're literally forcing their priests to do this and so so many of the priests

they they're there many of the priests have only been christmas in themselves so there's sort of a

vanity thing like you know and and everything it's like if you only be christmated yourself

all right you know I know one priest who that happened to him and he just said I'm done I'm

gonna go get baptized and he did and that was it I mean I thought okay yeah you know and that

doesn't that doesn't negate all the stuff he did before it just doesn't say the people he married

are not married the people that baptized are not baptized but you should correct the wrong right

so it'd be better not to have the wrong people are so broken psychologically spiritually

that baptism is is this is this font of illumination for them I'm not saying a person is not orthodox

if they're christmated but they're they're not they're not fed they're not they're not ministered to

because they're literally told oh you're you already were orthodox really you're all I mean that's

the message right right I mean they don't say that but if you're already if your baptism was

was effectual then yeah your effectual of the baptism where people didn't have a priest didn't

have a bishop didn't have the Eucharist their baptism was the baptism of the Baptist is only

a statement yeah right yeah it is only symbolic yep and yet that's considered valid

it's cruel and unusual treatment to orthodox Christians and it's because of ecumenism it's

because of the old boy network it's because of sort of a a mafioso mentality and thank God that

right now in our church in the Russian church abroad that we don't have a mafioso mentality and

they'd be always be that there's always somebody who knows Pharaoh's who know Joseph and if

if it ever occurs that it isn't well I guess I'll have a tough tough time but right now we're

being protected by God's grace yeah I mean you can see the difference in something I feel like you

can you can see the difference in someone after their baptized there was I became a godparent

actually it's the Saturday and I saw the woman who I'm not she's my goddaughter before and after

and Jesus a glow that you can see coming off of somebody and it's just it's it's it's it's even elder

after my various own it said in the book that's coming out about him about his life he could see

he could he had the gift God given that gift to be able to see if someone had been baptized or not

there's a story I don't know if you've heard of the the person that was baptized in New Mexico in the

80s I think and they took pictures of the baptism on film and they're literally glowing the

pictures of women is glowing in the picture on film have you heard of this story and I haven't

heard of this but I believe it yeah because I've seen other pictures like it look the pictures

up on the internet I mean it's it's she's literally glowing and there's a child that's looking

up at her and you can see that she's glowing and I can't remember what other saint it was recent

maybe that would when he would commune people he could tell like if somebody had been baptized

or not like you're illumined you're changed and I know this is just my personal experience but

I've talked before I came out of the cult I was working as a psychic medium I was taking psychedelics

I was mind melding with demons and stuff horrible things before I became a Christian and those demons

when we're in my head and they were trying to kill me seriously and my next book becoming human I'll

be talking about this especially when I was a catacumin and when I was fighting for this baptism I

want I was like I need prayers of exorcism done I need this baptism I need this removed I don't

worry man they in the anti-okin church they wouldn't do prayers of exorcism you can do prayers of

exorcism over me when I became a catacumin that's and I and I went to the priest and I was

abusive I went to the priest and I was begging I was literally had voices on my head June 2024

when I was a brand new catacumin these voices trying to give me to kill myself and I was like I

need exorcism and he wouldn't do prayers of exorcism he said he didn't want to beat the

drama he didn't want to bring the demons around he sent me home with holy water and it wasn't

until I went to the rocourt church that winner and I saw some people become catacumins and it was

like a 30 minute ceremony but my church where I and I became a catacumin it was like 30 seconds a

minute and there was no prayers of exorcism so I asked the priest at the rocourt church to do the

prayers of exorcism over me and he did and that helped but then when I was baptized summer 2025

they did the prayers of exorcism I have it on my you know I posted it it's in the video I just

put out and then I was baptized and I will tell you those voices in my head those demons did not

go away until I was baptized well that's a very powerful testimony and I'm sure there are

thousands like it and I don't know I don't know why this the the so many Orthodox bishops and

priests are so stupid and they don't they don't listen I don't think they're thinking spiritually

I really don't and people can say oh Father San Francisco is being judged metal I'm sorry I'm

a pastor I'm a priest I see people suffering and I can't imagine you know seeing somebody thirsty

and not giving them water I just can't imagine it and it's cruel it's cruel if you had just been

charismatic you'd be a neurotic half-psychotic person in that church and you and you might be dead

and they go oh you know oh you know they've they she she had so many problems well no she had

she had demons and she was struggling to be free of those demons and you didn't help her

yeah then that kind of stuff makes me mad and that's why people like Father Peter that's why

Peter like Father Peter and myself because some people consider me just you know Father Peter's

accolade or something that's why people say such terrible things about them and I get it here in

the town in town that you know that I'm and I'm sorry I don't listen to this stupid stuff I'm

going to baptize people because people are very much afflicted yes demons are everywhere I mean I

have seen demon position position I've seen I've had demons talk to me yeah I'm telling you as

you will know it's the real thing and and and we must do everything in our in our power to to

help people yeah now baptism is not absolutely in your case baptism removed the demons I had

had a occurrence wherein the people might be if they might be scandalized the baptism did not

remove demons but this these were quiet demons yeah that became more manifest later and you know

it's not one-size-fits-all you know I mean some sometimes your spiritual Father's going to say you

got to eat this egg right other times the spiritual Father's going to throw the egg at your face

you know I mean it's it's not one-size-fits-all yeah but it is in my opinion now I'll contradict

myself it is one-size-fits-all if a person's capable of being baptized yes you know I mean

absolutely I I baptized people on their bed dying of cancer having morphine pumped into their veins

so I didn't I baptized her by pouring yeah economy that was an economy economy yeah right but not

but that's because of that need not because of some predilection like there's already been a

baptism right like you know yeah yeah yeah no and you know and I also I I was baptized on

Saint Mary Magdalene's feast day which was there's no coincidences you know she had the seven

demons right and the yes she did so I that's what I I just I fought for that baptism I was and I

you know and and I I hope all the demons are gone like you said I that's scary to think that

there could be something still hiding or come out later but this is you know that that

well I'll deal with that when that happens but I just know that you know and another thing too is

I was addicted to smoking weed and I before even before my baptism and I came out and I I just

started kind of talking about this publicly I haven't smoked weed since my baptism I lost the

desire and I I feel cautious saying that's it's not my strength it's all glory to God from that but

that was that was all something that I you know you see people suffering with addiction and I

and it's like they go off to rehab and it doesn't quite help but they fall back into it's like

baptism you need a baptism to help you on that journey of healing on that it's sort of unbelievable

the the grace that comes out of that well yeah like I may be that more people find it I feel so

passionate about this issue and I try to not get too worked up about it so forgive me um I just

really I get pretty I get pretty worked up to actually I I um I've been accused of saying

disobey your bishop and you know the way it's been explained to me if you have one bishop

right now that's saying don't baptize for this or this reason are you gonna disobey that one

bishop if you or if you disobey that one bishop you're being obedient to all the lineage of

bishops that have come for hundreds of years that said that we should baptize so is it better to

be disobedient to the one bishop that's asking you to do something that it does it's not correct

to start with the church father's teach and then you're being obedient to the you know 20 other

bishops that came in succession before so I mean I don't know that was described to me that way

yeah for person if I'm pretty much if if a person in DFW who wants to be baptized and they're

and their priests won't do it if you've been categorized and I can be sure that you're

been that you're ready to go I'll baptize you yeah I mean I I mean you know because I just don't

that's not correct no to force people no you're right it's we don't force people in Christianity it's

more um what were they saying that you're you're too strict wherever it's more strict or

fanatical to not baptize someone then to allow them what they desire and want in their heart

and I can I completely agree with you and uh but unfortunately there's that great movement it's

all because it's all because of ecumenism lack of spirituality um et cetera et cetera you know

and uh people are being persecuted is going to increase uh and that's just all there is to it

so we better get with it yeah I know it's not the popular thing to say all this and but I'm you

know I'm here to share the truth and I care about the salvation healing of our land souls and so

this is this is we weren't planning on talking absolutely but I'm glad that you know got brought

up um I was planning to go on no rants whatsoever but I failed miserably no we get so good I was

trying to end the conversation say goodbye about the parents and then also the baptism got brought

up and you and I both got real serious so well father seraphim thank you again for coming on

let's be friends as always it was a joy to find father uh seraphim uh he is online or to dot

net this is youtube channel and his social media as well on instagram on huff the links here and he is

at st. Nicholas orthodox church in mckinney texas and you could if you have the extra funds to make

a donation that would be very blessed and very helpful and uh thank you father seraphim for coming

on the show you're welcome god bless