Gina Gardiner & Friends - Self-Worth in A Comparison Culture

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Gina Gardner is a multiple number one international best-selling author, motivational speaker,

business coach, and trainer.

She's the founder of Genuinely You.

It has over 30 years experience of helping people step into their genuine, authentic power,

personally, and professionally.

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Hello there, and a huge welcome to today's episode of Gina Gardner and Friends.

Today is one of those episodes where I share with you my experience and my expertise.

And today I want to talk to you about comparison.

And comparison, how it in terms of how it impacts on our self-worth.

Because never before have we had an opportunity to compare ourselves with so many things in

so many ways, and so many of them being inauthentic, being fake.

If you navigate social media, your career pressure, your relationships, your identity, it's

very easy for all of those to impact on our self-worth.

And I want you to think about, have there ever been a time when you have thought, I'm

not successful enough, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not accomplished enough, I'm not

happy enough, I'm too tall, too short, too poor, too old, too young, all of those comparisons

give us a real sense of inadequacy, of not being enough.

And the reality is actually each of us in our own way is a unique, amazing human being

and we are enough.

Does that mean that we can't be even better?

No, it doesn't.

But there's a huge inherent danger about comparing ourselves with the illusion of the images

that we see or the stories that we make up about ourselves and about how we measure up

in the world.

Somewhere along the line, we stop measuring our lives by our values and started measuring

them by everybody else's highlight reel.

We live in a social media culture.

What's interesting though is I speak to many clients and when I look at their Facebook

pages, one would assume that their life was a delic because what they portray in social

media and the reality of their lives is often very different.

So it gives the illusion that everybody else is highly successful and doing really, really

well.

And the problem of that is that that leaves us feeling that we are not enough, not good

enough, not anything enough.

And the neuroscience of that is that those neural pathways get laid down of having a habit

of seeing ourselves as being lesser.

Many people will compare their value as a human being to their bank balance.

If you're rich, then in some way you're a better human being.

If you are a celebrity, doesn't matter what you're a celebrity for, that gives you status

which I would suggest to you is often undeserved.

Now we see ourselves, the perception that we have about ourselves colors everything in

our world.

Now comparison isn't new.

Humans have done it since time immemorial, but we were never expected to compare ourselves

often with thousands of people and to do it before breakfast time.

We compare upwards, people ahead of us more successful than us.

If only I could be like, whoever.

If only I had as much money as whoever.

If only I was as beautiful as whoever.

We compare ourselves downwards to feel safe.

Oh well, when I compare myself with thread blogs, I'm much better off than them.

I'm richer, I'm more successful, I'm taller, I'm prettier, I'm younger or whatever.

The problem is exacerbated by the fact that algorithms, particularly in social media,

amplify people's idealized lives and they have a danger, an inherent danger, that the

people who are comparing themselves with that fake image, that fake life, that all that

idealized life are going to find themselves wanting.

Now if they start with a good sense of self-worth, you can look at that and smile to yourself

and think, well, but I'm doing well or I'm a lovely person.

And if you have poor self-worth, then the danger is that you erode that self-worth even

more.

And if you're sitting on the fence, particularly if you're young, that erodes your self-worth

before you've actually created the confidence to feeling good about yourself.

And there are a number of really common scenarios and I want to share with you as we go through.

Not only what those common scenarios are, but actually the antidote to that, one of the

antidotes to that is an off switch.

And I want you to think about how often you are comparing yourself, not just on social

media, but maybe in the media or within your friendship group or within people that you

are aware of through history or in the now, are you comparing yourself?

Because success without self-worth, I would suggest you as an empty success.

And if you don't have a sense of who you are in a constructive and positive way, that

can cause all sorts of problems.

And I think it's one of the reasons why we've got such a proliferation of people who

are struggling with poor self-worth, mental health problems.

Because if you don't have self-worth, everything in your life is coloured.

We're under pressure to succeed and we can never measure up and very often that's because

we're measuring up to an illusion and not the reality.

And so we need to define how we represent ourselves, how we compare ourselves.

I think social media is one of those things which comes at a high cost.

It's very instant.

It's something where the algorithms are actually designed to make you want to look more.

And it can cause all sorts of problems.

Anxiety, you know, I don't measure up to my friends and what they're putting on in social

media.

I don't measure up to the influences.

It can learn to imposter syndrome.

Those people who are doing a really, really good job, but think I'm going to be found out.

I'm going to be found wanting.

My success is a mask I put on, but in reality I am feeling anxious and I'm having to overwork

in order to compensate for my sense of inadequacy.

It can lead to people pleasing.

I myself worth is attached to how much time and challenge I'm prepared to invest into helping

other people, doing what other people want.

And the danger with that is you get lost in the process and people pleasing in and of

itself is not bad in the sense that you want to please others.

But it's when that becomes the major motivator and your own priorities, your own dreams, your

own wishes are consistently put at the bottom of the list and put on hold because you are

so busy pleasing other people.

It can lead to that quiet resentment which builds up like a canker because not only do

you feel that you're comparing yourself, but you feel that other people are comparing

you with something outside yourself.

And it can also mean that you abandon the real sense of who you are and in doing so you

lose track of that sense of of wholeness with yourself.

When your worth is measured externally, peace becomes impossible.

Because if you think about it, if your self-worth is measured by your bank balance, the reality

is that no amount of money is actually going to be enough to make you feel good enough.

And we get our significance in so many ways.

We can get it in a positive and neutral and a negative way.

So if your sense of self is tied up to something external to you, then you will want to do

more and more of it in order to feel good about yourself.

And so whether it's I only wear designer clothes or I only wear clothes from a thrift shop

or a charity shop, you want to think about what's going on here.

Is it that you are tying your identity to those things?

Is it that's where you get your significance?

Think about the internal dialogue.

You know, when you see things on social media or the media or you're just comparing yourself

with people that you know, are you asking yourself the question, should I be further?

Should I have been more successful?

What's wrong with me?

Why can't I do that?

And the problem is we normalize that.

That becomes our conversation that consistently goes on within our head.

And that script tends to be cyclical and it tends to be never ending.

If you think about the infinity sign, it's rather like that.

It just goes on and on and on.

And we look for evidence to support it.

And of course, we can find it because we are basing the evidence on something which is

external to us and it's our perception of that evidence, not necessarily the reality.

I want you to ask yourself, what do you put on social media?

You know, do you put on social media?

There are some people who use all of the things that are going wrong to put on social media.

And that I'm a victim is part of their identity.

And so this is not just about showing success and making your comparison with your successes,

but it can also be at the other end of the continuum.

Well, you have no idea how much pain I'm in.

My pain is worse than yours.

My situation is worse than yours.

So it can come at every different level.

But that comparison can bring with it shame of not being enough,

shame of not being able to override that sense of inadequacy or sense of something being wrong with you.

And when we do actually choose to create a very different reality,

where the only thing we compare ourselves is with us.

And that we look at where I am now is good enough,

but I want to be even better.

And so how do I build on where I am now?

How do I become the better version of myself?

Because I've got the best version of now,

but it's the foundation of the best version of me moving forward.

And when you do that, you give yourself absolute freedom.

Now, very often our identity starts with the messages that we receive when we're children.

Children within a family are often assigned a role.

Well, you're the pretty one.

You're not very clever, but you're pretty.

Or you're the clever one, but you're not very attractive.

Or you're the silly one.

Or you're the black sheep of the family.

And that happens very much at family level,

but it can also happen in a classroom.

You become the class clown or the class what?

It can also be based in terms of work.

And we can be assigned a role,

which is only one element of us,

only one aspect of us when the reality is very, very different.

I wonder how many of you got the sense that your parents loved you when you had achieved.

And so if you got 10 out of 10 on your spelling test,

or you passed an exam, or you were in the football team,

the scored a goal, that's when you got your parents' attention.

That's when you were given the message,

I love you when you achieve.

But ultimately, that praise is conditional on you behaving in a particular way.

And so you start to compare yourself with,

well, when I do this, I'm a good girl or a good boy,

when I don't, I'm not.

And so that conditional praise starts to set up these comparisons.

And comparisons can be useful if they are used as the rocket fuel

to help you grow and move forward.

But I would suggest to you that more often than not,

that they are used as a stick to beat you with.

And there's nobody as unkind to you as you are.

That's the reality.

Somebody says something to you and very often it's said once or twice, that's one thing.

But if you have that voice going on in your head over and over again,

oh, I am just useless or I can't do that or I'm,

I'm nobody likes me or, you know, I don't have anything to offer.

Those messages are really hurtful and very damaging.

I think the other thing to put in the mix just before we go to the break

is the cultural definitions of success.

And if you are living within an environment,

whether as a strong cultural expectation of you

and comparing yourself against that expectation,

that too can be very challenging,

particularly when that cultural expectation

maybe something that doesn't fit with your values

or it's something that has been there for generations

but actually doesn't suit the modern day world as far as you can think.

So we're going to go for a short break and when we come back,

there's so much more to talk about and it's such an important theme

because ultimately you're the common denominator.

You take yourself into your life every moment of every day

and if you are not engaging with yourself in a constructive and positive way

but are using negative comparisons to make yourself feel

really pretty grim, not enough, then it's time to do something about it.

So please don't go away, we'll be back in just doing it.

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Mondays are working for me.

I can be the person that I want to be.

Now that I'm saddened, my Mondays are working for me.

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Welcome back.

One of the things that I've done in my professional career is to work with many people

in very high leadership places and I find it fascinating how often

people who've got high powered jobs who are being, you know,

all of the metrics demonstrate just how successful they are.

They feel like an imposter.

They're waiting for people to find them out and when I say to them as clients

let's look at the evidence.

What does the evidence say?

They look at me and initially they say yeah but that doesn't matter.

I've managed it this time but will I manage it consistently for example?

And they're very good at smiling publicly and playing the part but in private

that they doubt themselves all the time and it means that the very often that

they feel that they can't relax.

They feel stressed.

They become workaholics because I've got to keep going because if I don't

people will find me out and there are all sorts of negative connotations.

And I want to ask you who taught you what good enough?

Have a think about that question again.

What does good enough look like?

And that's really important at an individual level but if you're a boss,

if you're a leader, a parent, a managing a team or a company.

What does good enough look like in that context and how do you share that

with your colleagues, with your family members?

Having an understanding of what good enough looks like for ourselves and with others

is really really important.

So I want you to introduce you to Lisa.

She's 34.

She's got an amazing job in a big corporate company.

She is a high level leader.

She's got a fabulous salary and people think she's doing really well.

But when she came to see me a couple of weeks ago, she said to me that each day that

previous week, you know, things were quite challenging at work.

She was working really hard and that she had got into her car to go home

mid evening because she had felt that she had to work harder than anybody else

in her department that actually she was so tired and so overwhelmed that she cried.

I want you to think about that.

Somebody who's got external recognition at every level that she's successful.

She compares herself with this mythical creature that would be successful in her eyes.

And I asked her, you know, what would success look like to you if you wanted to be really secure

that you were being successful?

What are the criteria that you're using?

And to start with, you couldn't tell me.

So I asked her to think about what criteria would you use to measure anybody else's success?

She found that easier.

And I said, well, now let's start to look at you've given me a dozen different criteria by which

you can measure success. Let's go through them.

Where do you met?

Where there are gaps and perhaps areas for development.

And as she went through those criteria, she recognized that actually she had fulfilled

all of those and more in pretty well every one of those criteria.

There were one or two where there was areas for development, but then life is an opportunity

for development. None of us have got there wherever there may be in its entirety.

Understanding that your life, whatever that may be, is your life and comparing yourself with

other people is not necessarily helpful.

I want to talk to you about another client who was a housewife, a mother.

She was bringing up three children, one of whom was on the autistic register.

And she came to me because she was feeling depressed and had low mood.

And said, you know, my life doesn't count for me.

And I asked her to think about what she was doing as a housewife and as a mother.

And I know that very often, you know, society may dismiss that.

But I asked her, what does parent would meet to you?

What is it you're trying to show your children?

And this is no way criticizing parents who work.

But working with her, she felt that her life felt small.

And because it felt small, it didn't feel important.

And I think that's the challenges, isn't it?

A life well lived is not necessarily somebody whose name's up in life.

And somebody who is a huge success on a global stage.

And I think that's been a really important lesson when I've worked with other people

who want to know what's my true purpose.

You know, and I'm reminded of another client who,

whose view he felt that if it was going to have a purpose,

it had to be something huge on a global stage.

And when I pointed out to him that, you know,

even if you're working on a global stage,

each act of compassion or courage or, you know,

whatever you're doing is your sense of purpose.

Each act of service is serving individuals.

It's serving small groups.

And so a life well lived doesn't mean that your name has to be up in light.

It means that you have to live your life well intentionally helping people.

And so for that housewife and mother,

recognizing there was huge value to what she was doing.

And that because she didn't have a big title or a big salary,

didn't diminish her, her comparisons were diminishing her.

And I think it's really important that you recognize

each of us in our lives on a day-by-day basis

have the capacity to live that well.

You know, recognizing that when parents and schools,

you know, give accolades to the person who always turns up as the responsible one,

or if you measure your life in terms of the number of gold stars you got as a pupil,

and that you see achievement equals approval,

the identity of the successful one.

Be very careful that you don't create connections between

if I do everything right, I'm a good person, I have self-worth.

If I make mistakes in my life, if I fail things in my life,

that makes me a bad person or not good enough.

And I want you to think about everything that we do is our choice.

And every choice has consequences.

And so think about how you turn up moment by moment,

and it's not about the big accolade.

It's about how we interact with our self-first and with other people.

Are we making the best decisions that we can?

And what are we basing those decisions?

Are we basing them on our values and do you know what those are?

Are you basing those decisions on a comparison that you've made?

Now that leads me to social media.

I want you to think about it just before midnight.

The lights are off, the room's quiet, your mind isn't, you're on your phone,

you're looking at photos, promotional posts, fitness transformations,

vacation, sunset, and through that, scrolling and scrolling and scrolling.

And if you're doing that, well, I would suggest you it's not a great way to get a night's

good night's sleep. But moreover, if you're doing that and you're thinking to myself,

I should be further in life.

I'm wasting my time. What's wrong with me?

Why aren't I slim like that person?

Why aren't I successful like that person?

Why aren't I on the holiday looking at those sunset?

I want you to think carefully.

I want you to take a deep breath and give yourself a few minutes to consider

that's how comparison enters quietly, privately.

And recognize that the media, the social media,

have algorithms which are based on psychology and upward comparison.

They're not necessarily helpful to you.

If they see something you're interested in, they keep bringing you more of it.

And if what they're bringing you makes you feel less and less adequate,

you have to consider whether or not that's healthy.

And there is an off button for a really, really good reason.

But I want you to think about how you turn up moment by moment

and how you actually engage with things like social media.

And whether social media is something that you find yourself feeling really good

and energised and empowered when you have looked through and scrolled along,

or whether it makes you feel lesser.

Because if you're feeling lesser, it's time to change the pattern.

Remember everything you do as a choice and every choice has consequences.

I just want to return to the high achiever for a moment.

And one of the things for all of us is that we can set ourselves goals, we can achieve.

But then often the goal posts get moved.

And they get moved by external influences very often.

You know, the company is changing that we're working for.

And so what was seen as success in one context?

Well, everything's changing.

It could be gull of government policy.

It could be a change in relationship.

It could be all sorts of things.

But ultimately, you know, you have to ask yourself the question.

If no one else was watching what I was doing, would I still want to do this?

Would I still want to be interacting in this way?

Would I still want this?

I want you to let that land.

It's in those quiet moments when nobody's watching.

When you ask yourself those questions, and I would really urge you to ask yourself three times.

Because quite often when you ask the first time, it's a conscious mind that answers.

Ask yourself the question a second time.

No judgment.

This is not about judging whether your answers are good, bad, or indifferent.

It is about being honest and being brave enough to be honest.

If no one was watching, would I still want this?

Would I still want to turn up in this way?

And the second time you ask that question very often,

it's your unconscious mind that will answer that question.

But by asking a third time, it's very often that inner wisdom.

And giving yourself that quiet time to do that can be really, really powerful.

So long as you do it, one of the problems with poor self-worth,

with comparing ourselves, is that we can very easily get into the spiral of shame.

That not being good enough becomes synonymous with I am ashamed that I'm not good enough.

And although we might not language it in that way,

it is very easy to get into that place.

Probably the easiest example is that when you look at somebody else's photograph

and then you compare that with your body or your house

or your jewelry or whatever.

So when you look at that picture and then you look at your own life,

it's often through a distorted lens because those pictures are very often photoshopped

or people are giving you the photo but not the story behind it.

And if you are physically when you are watching something,

scrolling through, listening to something,

that gives you a tight chest or a sense of heaviness.

It could just be overall or in your stomach.

A sense of restlessness, a sense of just not fitting,

then you need to really think about it because that's the coolest part.

You're not just comparing achievements, you're comparing timelines.

I ought to have achieved this by a particular age.

Um, marriage, I should be married by the time I'm whatever.

I should have a great career.

And I think perhaps one of the coolest ones is for women

who find that they can't have children.

And I've worked with a number of people who have tried every way to have children

themselves going through IVF, which can be fairly brutal.

But they feel measured by the fact that they cannot feel children.

They feel ashamed because they can't.

They feel culturally, um,

societally, that they're not whole women.

And I think you need to think about instead of asking

why am I failing? Why am I behind?

It's asking behind or failing according to whom.

We're going to go for another break now, but I want to,

to continue with this thing when we come back because it is so important.

Self-worth is at the heart of everything we do.

And it certainly is a huge factor.

The most important factor, I think,

in terms of our sense of well-being and happiness.

So don't go away back in just a minute.

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Welcome back.

I want you to think about that moment when you can feel enough.

Is it something that you have ever felt or is it something that you get

and it's very much tied to your accomplishments?

You're a human being, not a human accomplishment.

I want you to think about how you are measuring yourself

because when we limit ourselves,

that triggers us into all sorts of thoughts and behaviors.

Defining your personal view of what does success look like?

What does it feel like?

What kind of life feels aligned for me?

I'm living my life for me or my parents or my children or for someone else.

Who do I want to be rather than just what I want to do or have

or whose approval is it that I am looking for?

And I want you to think about speaking to yourself

like someone you love dearly.

Think of an area that you feel behind and then think about

when I'm comparing whose voice am I hearing in my head?

Whose voice is it that I'm asking about that standard or not?

And I want you to think about how you feel when you are just still.

No laptop, no productivity, just stillness.

Ask yourself, are you tired of running after a dream that feels impossible?

What if instead of being behind or not achieving in the way

that you think other people want you to?

What if you just are a different path?

I want you to think about how your life would be

if you separate your worth from the success criteria

that you have set yourself.

So I want you to think about, you know,

what are the things that trigger you into feeling not enough?

Be aware of those because awareness is the first stage.

You can't actually do anything about it

unless you are aware.

And a great way of doing that is to journal your own definition

of what success looks like and doing it within each of your

of the areas of your life.

And one of the things you can do is imagine a bicycle wheel

and then put the spokes in and put within each of those spokes,

put an area of your life.

It could be health, wealth, relationships, work,

not enough of that.

Spirituality and so on.

And then imagine that if the whole spoke was coloured in,

that would be 10 out of 10.

If there was nothing that no satisfaction,

no sense of achievement or success,

no sense of self-worth, that would be a zero.

And then look at where you score yourself.

It's a really easy way of looking at which areas of your life

do you need to focus on and which would be your priority.

And then thinking about when you're offered a new job

or an opportunity to do something,

do you normally say yes because you think it will be prestigious

but it doesn't fit with your values.

And are you prepared to say no and say thank you very much

for the offer, I really appreciate it,

but I'm going to decline.

How do you feel about taking a whole weekend away

from social media?

You know, to think about clients

who are particularly thinking of one client,

Rana hugely successful company, manufacturing company,

but his home life was really challenged.

And it turns out that he was busy on his phone

or his computer all the time.

The children were behaving badly

because they wanted his attention

and he just got very cross with them.

And they were quite young,

there were probably four and seven at the time.

And I set him a challenge which was to turn his phone

and his computer off between tea time and their bedtime

and to focus purely on them.

The transformation was remarkable.

And I want you to think about can you use that off button?

How do you feel when you do?

And if you are feeling, oh, I'm not quite sure about that,

that's an indication that you need to turn it off

on a regular basis.

So I want you to think about when you get that thought,

I'm not good enough.

I want you to think about, is that really true?

Am I comparing myself with the me of yesterday?

Am I comparing myself with my own ideal

or am I comparing with somebody else's ideal?

One of the things that I found really, really helpful

is to ask people to create a list

of two sides of a page with a vertical line down the middle.

And on one of those the sides is to put all of the things

that they think are areas for development

and listen to the language.

Not areas where they're rubbish,

not areas where they don't measure out,

but areas for development.

And then on the other side of the page,

all of the things that they're proud of,

that they like about themselves,

that they feel is an achievement.

And not just an achievement in terms of a measurable success

like an exam, but also an achievement

in terms of how you live your values,

if you like your approach to life.

Now interestingly, people can write reams and reams

and reams on the development side,

but often struggle with the other side.

And so one of the exercises that I ask them to do

is to ask between five and 10 people, people that they trust,

ideally a cross section across family, friends and work.

And ask them to ask that person to write down,

and she's quite important that they write it down,

and I'll tell you why in a moment.

And ask them, what is it that they value about you?

What is it that makes you uniquely you?

And ask them to write that down,

and it can be a few words, it can write it in prose,

but it is really helpful to have that written down.

If they give it you on the phone call,

then please put it through something transcribe it.

Because then I want you to have a look at the words that they use,

and to look at the comparison between the words

that you use about yourself,

and the words that they use about you,

and to look at where there are common things

across the people that you've asked.

When I've asked clients to do this without exception,

I want you to listen to this without exception.

What's been written about them

has been positive, constructive.

And when they have looked at that

and done a measure against the list that they have written,

there are sometimes they can see commonalities across those lists,

but more often than not,

there are lots of things that other people have noticed about you,

have value about who you are and how you turn up.

And then the next part of the exercise is,

every day, before you go to sleep,

to read the list of all of those amazing things

that people have said about you.

Because if you won't believe yourself,

maybe you'll believe them.

And it's a really interesting exercise to do,

and I want you to think about quite carefully

the people that you speak to and ask to do it,

and you can blame me, you heard this on a radio show,

it's a really powerful way to help build self-worth.

And it's a healthy comparison

because you're asking people to talk about

the positive things about you.

And in doing so, you create a body of evidence

that actually can work to demonstrate

just how out of whack your comparisons are

about yourself when you're comparing yourself negatively.

So I've got to think about that.

I also want you to think about

when you're comparing yourself to things on social media,

just how many filters that's gone through.

It could be a filter in terms of a photograph.

I've had fun with filters,

never used them to share with other people,

but a filter that takes 20 years of your life

in terms of, I'm 73 next month.

And you know, when I think of myself in my 50s

or my 30s or my 20s, you know,

it was lovely to see no lines, for example, on my face.

But each of those lines, I've learnt to appreciate

because that shows I have lived a life.

My laughter lines demonstrate that I laugh often.

But it's also easy to put a filter on in terms of your body shape.

And that's fine if it's fun, but it's not fine

if you're comparing your body shape

with models who've starved themselves

and whose photographs have been put through 93 filters.

So there's not a blemish.

You know, I really applaud, you know,

some stars have put pictures of themselves with no makeup

and compared that with the image that is put out

on social media.

Now of course we understand that when they are selling a film,

for example, they don't want the person who's not washed their hair,

who's not put makeup on, who's got their baggy house clothes on.

They've got to look the part.

And that's fine, but it's not fine if we are comparing ourselves

unfavorably with those really altered images.

You know, we call them fake.

They are fake, they're not the reality.

And I think it's important that you ultimately give yourself the gift

of recognizing that those comparisons are unhelpful.

We're going to go for our last break now,

but there's still a lot more to talk about.

So I look forward to having you back after the break.

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Welcome back.

I want to talk to you about how we compare relationships.

We can often believe that other people's relationships are idyllic

when they're anything but.

I've got a friend who, like jokingly, says that she wants to sue Disney

for all of the messages that we get about happily ever after.

And relationships are hard work.

You know, you don't go off into the sunset with your print charming

and your princess on a white horse, and you know, everything is lovely.

It's very easy from the outside of any relationship

to assume that everything's wonderful.

But we know that in many relationships,

there is a controlling relationship or an abusive relationship

which to the outside world looks perfectly good.

And I'm reminded of the number of people I've worked with

who have gone through abuse as children

who will say that the parents,

whether that was their natural parents or adoptive or foster parents

who to the world looked great and were the very pillar of society,

very often, you know, a pillar in their church

or their temple or their place of worship.

But actually, there was huge abuse going on.

And that's true of, you know, the institutional abuse that goes on

with people in high places grooming and abusing young children

or other adults because the perception we have

is that things are perfect.

And I want you to recognize that actually relationships

are not always what they seem.

And that, you know, most people are doing the best they can

with the resources they've got.

But ultimately, your relationship is down to you to work out,

that relationship with you,

most important relationship and with others.

And don't assume that everybody else is okay and you're not.

You look at how you consider your life in terms of your career,

your finances, your health and physical appearance

and recognize that different doesn't mean deficient.

And yes, there may be things that you want to change,

things that you want to work at.

But ultimately, that's an area for development,

rather than something for you to beat yourself over the head with.

So I want you to think about, when do you feel most enough?

Do you feel enough anyway?

Or do you only feel enough when you're doing something for somebody else?

Or do you only feel enough when you are in a particular environment?

What are the comparisons that you have been carrying?

What are the things that give you joy?

And what are the comparisons that keep you feeling small?

What would you change if you stop measuring yourself about other people,

about measuring yourself against fictional characters in films

or on social media?

I mean, so many people that I know want to be like a particular character in a film,

but they don't have to put up with the day-to-day challenges

that life brings each of us.

So ultimately, it's up to you.

What would you change if you stopped measuring yourself against others?

And how would that feel?

So this is not about pretending comparison doesn't happen,

but it is about refusing to let it define you.

You were never meant to compete with yourself.

You were meant to become the authentic version of you.

And so if you're going to compare yourself,

I want you to compare yourself with the you of yesterday, the you of last week.

You know, are you growing?

Are you giving yourself the opportunity to evolve?

You worth isn't a ranking, it's not a number, it's not a milestone,

it's not a bank account, it's not the size of your house as the make of your car,

it's not how many followers you've got on social media.

It is inherent in who you are, it's present, it is you, it's yours,

even on days when you doubt it.

So when comparison whispers, I'm behind, I'm not good enough.

A really great answer to use is I'm on my path, I'm a work in motion.

Ultimately, you're not behind, you are becoming.

And if you give yourself the opportunity and the support,

the time that you spend in comparing and comparing unfavorably with other people

to working on how can I engage with myself and do that in a work

so that I feel good about me and but recognize that there's always an opportunity

to develop and grow and evolve into an even better version of me,

then I think you'll find that your quality of life changes exponentially.

You're not late, you're not behind, you're not failing at life,

you are living it in real time.

Real life doesn't have filters.

And I want you to just think about how the world profits from your insecurity,

choosing to believe you are enough is a real rebellion.

If you think about it, a lot of marketing for products, for services is all about

you not being enough and they pray on that sense of poor self worth

and they get in the way of you feeling good about yourself.

When we feel good about ourselves and that's not about being complacent,

that's not about being boastful, but it is recognizing that inherently we are enough

as we are and that making the active choice that I want to build on that,

I think that's really important.

But when you are comparing yourself with someone else,

I want to just suggest that the criteria that you use to compare are even.

Imagine the scales of justice, you know, the two pans on a chain.

Look at how you think about yourself and look at how you think about other people.

If the criteria that you use for other people are kinder, more generous,

to them than they are to you, something's out of whack.

And so often when I have worked with people, I've talked about being your own best friend.

Would you compare your best friend unfavorably and say, well, that's rubbish?

Or would you acknowledge them for who they are, the effort they're making?

Would you use the same criteria for success for them as you do for yourself?

Or are you using a very different criteria?

Because if you are, then I would suggest to you it's time to have a rethink.

I would suggest that you treat yourself no worse and no better than you would treat your most valued best friend.

Because when you do that, then you know that actually you're going to treat yourself well.

And I would say treat yourself with kindness.

Now kindness is not the same as indulgence, but you know, how you treat yourself is so important.

And if you are comparing yourself with others and you are really giving yourself worth,

the consistent barrage of, oh, you're not good enough for that.

This isn't good enough, that isn't good enough.

Your self worth is going to take a hit.

That in turn has a huge impact on your sense of self worth.

And as a result of that, it has an impact on your mental health.

We live at a time when I don't ever remember in my lifetime,

there being so much talked about mental health.

And that in itself is not a bad thing.

It is important that we talk.

But I think we've got numbers of people who are struggling with their mental health,

who identify as having mental health issues in numbers that we've never seen before.

And I think if you look at inherently what's underpinning that,

it starts with a poor sense of self worth,

feeling that you don't measure up, feeling you're not good enough.

And so developing a good sense of self worth is, I believe,

the most important gift that you can give yourself.

And to help you, I've created the leadership blueprint,

leading your own life.

And then as you lead your own life well,

then you're much better place to lead other people in a really conscious way.

And I've created a PDF that gives you a structured way

to help you look at how you feel about yourself,

your values, the way in which you engage with that in a wisdom, that in a voice.

And you can have it absolutely for free.

I wanted to create something where cost was not an issue.

The only thing you need to be able to do is to email me

at Gina Gardiner and friends at gmail.com.

That's g-i-n-a-g-a-r-d-i-n-e-r-a-n-d-f-r-i-e-n-d-s.

Gina Gardiner and friends at gmail.com.

Now, if you can't remember that, you can do it directly

through the Bratford Media website.

And just email them and say, would they pass it on to me?

Why wouldn't you? It's free.

It's based on 40 odd years of working with people at every age,

helping them to take charge of their life, to feel good about themselves,

and to move forward in a productive and positive way.

If you're feeling good about yourself, it's a really good way to check in.

If you're not feeling confident about certain parts of your life,

or you have a sense that your self-worth could be even better,

then it's a great way to do that.

So Gina Gardiner and friends at gmail.com

and just put blueprint in the subject line.

I'd love to know how you're doing, whether life is challenging

and if so, in what way? Are their themes should like me to cover?

But also, if life is going well, I'd love to celebrate with you.

I really enjoy getting your emails.

It's something that brightens up every day when I get them.

So that's Gina Gardiner and friends at gmail.com,

put blueprint in the subject line,

and I will send you a copy of the leadership blueprint with my love.

Ultimately, as I've said before, you're the common denominator.

You take yourself into every moment of every day,

and you deserve to have the very best of opportunities.

And I hope that through the shows and through the blueprint

that I'm here to help you.

You take care, and I look forward to seeing you on the next show.

Bye bye now.

Thanks for listening to Gina Gardiner and friends.

The show that helps you live a happier, more successful,

and fulfilling life.

To learn more about Gina Gardiner, go to genuinely-u.com.

If you would like to work with Gina, or book her as a speaker,

email her at gina at genuinely-u.com.