God Told Me I Was the One Who Needed to Change

0:00Emile when I saw her get baptized, like from the time she went down to the time she come up, I went back to nine years old. And it's just like, you ever seen a movie? They be flicking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw it like from the minute she went down to the time she came back up, bro. I went back to nine, seen her get shot, going to jail, everything going up, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I removed myself. And I said, oh, this changes everything. Like these last four months, bro, like the finish this year, I want to really like, locking with God, bro. Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying? And like, I want to plan, I want like really being, like I want to change the mindset of why I'm mad. Like I want to really go like, like I want to put myself in this frame of mind, like it's all possible. Mm-hmm. I just got to line it up. But the problem with I was saying this when I was saying my prayers back there, just now, I said, God, like, I don't want what I want no more.

1:03I don't want what, I don't have enough what I want what I want. I want what she want. There it is. I said, God, like, like everything I've asked you for, like you've given it to me a bundle, even the life I live right now, bro. Like such a modest life, bro, but it's like, I'm living in the exceedingly abundantly above. Right? And so I look at it not like if I keep asking God for stuff, it's like, I feel like a spoiled child. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I have my hardships. Right? But like every time I ask God for something, it'd be like, here, here, here, here. Like, it's like he never tells me no. Right? But I'm in a season now. I'm like, I write God.

2:03Like, I fumbled some of the stuff you've given me. But like, I could come back and you still be like, I lay on here. Yeah, I got you some more. Right? So in this season, it's like, I got like, let's start this all different. Let me let me renew this relationship. Like, I don't want to be a spoiled kid anymore. I want what you want. Yeah. Yeah. And I want to be quiet. I want to be still. Like, bro, he's like, try to be a little quiet right now. I'm like, bro, I just been praying all day. I'm like, I just, I want what you want. I got everything I need. financially, like, bro, I'm good for some years. You know what I'm saying? Like, how do we build this business all so it can impact the way it's supposed to be impacted? You know what I'm saying? Like, how does the Wall Street Shop a brand like impact lives generationally?

3:05How does the freedom center become like a financial, spiritual, you know, institution? Right. You know what I'm saying? How do we plant flag? You know, how do we create other ones and put them in other cities? You know what I'm saying? And, you know, how do we shoot movies and write books? And how do we just become more impact? Like, and I look at my life, bro. I look at my life, but I just look at all of this. Like, I look at like, what I could represent. If I position myself a certain way. And I say, God, like, when I look at, like, I look back at my life, and I see that, like, I know how to say this. I want to say this to my right way. Like, I've been through so much stuff in my life. If I put it out there in certain ways, I know it could be a game chain. You know what I'm saying? Like, if I put it out there in a way that people can,

4:07but sometimes I get distracted. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes I'm, you know, just having too much fun. You know, and sometimes I'm, you know, life's thought life. And you got to deal with this. Right? But how do you not put yourself in a space where you should be like, I got like, I want what you want. And I remember, bro, like, I remember, you ever seen somebody you'd be like, like, I was just sitting like, I would say my president, I said, God, like, this phase of my life, when people see me, I want them to see you. Yeah. Like, I don't want them to see like trap. I want them to see me like, damn, bro, that boy walking with God right now. You know what I'm saying? Because it's on me. It's on my spirit. It's on the way I talk. It's on the way I think. It's on the way I move. You know what I'm saying? And so I was reading some of my notes back there. I just nod and it said that, it said, and my notes, it was saying like, don't be spiritually passive.

5:07And my notes, I had that. I'm about to say you got to dig into that. Yeah, like don't be spiritually passive. Meaning like, don't just like read the word and then that's enough. Don't just like go to church, that's enough. Don't just read your notes, that's enough. Don't just pray and that's good. Like, when you read the word and you're taking your notes, apply them actively. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you worship them, you listen to worship music, when you do it, like being gratitude. When you speak it, speak the truth that you know. Yeah. Also, don't be spiritually passive. Like, like stand on the spiritual beliefs that you build in. Don't be spiritually passive. Like, know what you're learning. And so when things start attacking you, use this and not you. Like use this truth and not you. Not being spiritually passive, bro. You know what I'm saying? Not being spiritually passive and really just being like more

6:08than anything like being spiritually like aggressive. Like, like, like, like this what I'm on. You know what I'm saying? Like, it okay with losing whoever. You know what I'm saying? Like this what I'm on. And that's a different walk. You feel me? I don't know how deep you want to go, but I appreciate your vulnerability that's weak. You know what I'm saying? You're posting on IG. Huh? That joint you posting on IG or whatever? Well, what? Your love for vulnerability that you put out on display where you took the trip? I'm lost. Titticity? Oh, it moms. Yeah, that was a big win for me. And it was a win for you, but a win for other people because it was like, yo, like, bro, that was such a big win for me because, um, it was like, you know, me and mom have been through a lot, bro. You know, like, she been shot. I've been shot. She went to prison. I went to prison. You know, and I remember I was telling a friend of mine it's maybe a couple of weeks ago. How like,

7:10when she first came home, when I first came home, like, we was, I used to be doing stuff in the street and I used to bring her with me. Hmm. You know what I'm saying? Like doing not like, robbing and not like that, but like, there's other little stuff I was doing in the street. And I said, do that. I just, I just have her with me. And it was because like, I don't know. I guess I want to have a sea like, like you earned your stripes. But I already did my time in prison for whatever. So striped. And I ain't right on nobody. So like, who's already good? There. But I just think I was just trying to, I don't know, man. Maybe like, I don't know, but I just just let her see stuff. Save me doing stuff, for me breaking stuff down. And you know what I'm saying? And I think over time, she,

8:11I think over time, she's went to try to prove to me that she still was the person, mentally that I grew up looking up to. But I think at that age, I had done already surpassed that. Right? And so, as we got, as I got older, I started realizing like there were empty parts of me that I attributed to her. You know what I'm saying? And instead of like really like loving moms the way I should, I started having a little resentment and trying to be the parent at the same time. Like I know what's best for you. I'm the one that did this. I'm doing this. I'm doing that. You know what I'm saying to me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you want to do that. You want to do that? You know what I'm saying? And like, not realizing that both of us trying to start speaking in that moment.

9:12You know what I'm saying? Like both of us paying, starting speaking in that moment. And just because like she was getting older, like, and I was like stronger, like I had more power. You know what I'm saying? If that felt back a lot of terms. And for like a better terms. And I was like, I started like putting these conditions in place. And that wasn't the best, bro. And so that's why therapy has helped me a lot, prayers helped me a lot. And just having a few people in my life that kind of understand how the dynamic between me and my mom's was. And so, I, man, just to be honest with you, bro, like I saw my mom lately just going through this, this journey, like she'd be going to therapy.

10:13And she'd been like going to church. And so, I saw it, but you know how you just be like, all right, bro. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? The residue. The real. Yeah, like it's like, all right, bro, like because in my mind, I'm like, I'm done with you. You know what I'm saying? Just realistic because it's like so much pain and so much like, we agitate each other. You know what I'm saying? But it really like my mom would just love me. And like she trying to figure out like how to love a son. Like my mom would look up to me now. You know what I'm saying? And so you got things, bro. She has this kid in 1982. She's 16. You got to remember that it wasn't cool to say you gay. She didn't ever get that space. Afterwards. So, you know, she'd been in the streets. She'd been shot. Multiple times. I'm on shot six times, bro. Like people like my mom, I'm six times. She got shot three times the first time, three times the second time, bro. And two of the bullets still in her spine, bro.

11:14They're still walking, bro. Yeah, bro. Like she been doing. She did a stretch not telling on nobody. Took the L. You know what I'm saying? Like, got a gun shot where she's bust out. You know what I'm saying? Like she been through it. The all like, you know what I'm saying? And so like, you like, I, bro. And I remember listening to ET a while back when ET said like he had an issue with his mom. And he was like, and his dad. And he was like, you can't keep holding on to that. You don't want to equip. They wasn't. And like, I don't know why that one are popping up on me. But like, hit me like, yo, you equip my nigga. And I heard. Like, you equip my nigga. Like, not her. She ain't got the tools you got. You know what I'm saying? So. And then I thought about this. This really, I'm not going to lie. This one punched me in my heart.

12:17You don't get too many dudes and women most chastity than you get your mom. Well, about to run around this building. Why are you holding her to that when you. And I said, like, I was just sitting in my bed. And I was like, damn. All right. You know what I'm saying? And I'm, and I'm stern on both dudes. And like, if you cross the line, I'm like, well, I'm good. Same thing. But I have had people who I don't give like, chance out the chance out the chance. You know what I'm saying? You like, bro, like why are you so stiff on your mom? I'm like that, bro. Bro, show me what you asked for you money like that, bro. Like, bro, because in my mind, what is you working for? Because why is this real talk? I'm looking at how people going to look at me. Yeah. You feel me? Like what people are going to think of me if they see you working?

13:18Yep. You feel me? So I'm trying to force you to do something so they can keep making so they don't make me look bad. Right. That Wall Street trap mama. Man, I should be trying mama doing this for what? So now I'm putting the condition. If you want the money, you gotta stop doing this. I'ma see them. You gotta stop doing that. You don't even understand. You feel what I'm saying? Like just being realistic. And so I had to like, I was like, again, like I'm, I'm like, I'm a good guy. And like, I'm like, God, like, she won't get it. And God, like, no, you won't get it. God, I know you won't get it. You ain't getting it. You, you not getting it. It ain't that she not getting it. You not getting it. And I'm like, oh, I'm not getting it. That will reverse. Oh, I'm not getting it. Okay.

14:19And Brahms just sitting like, I had that. So like, even, I'm fighting with it. Like, even up to the day the goal is only a three-hour drive. I'm like, man, I ain't going. I don't love I'm going. She texts me every day like, son, you coming, you coming? I really would like to see you. And you know, I still have a nanny. My nanny is her best friend. It's somebody that watched me when I was young. My mom was young. My mom had a scholarship for basketball and everything, bro. And so she'd go down and get my nanny. I'm like, man, I'm good. My nanny hit me. She like, man, you know, I would still love to see you. And that few of you come out here, you know, something like, man, I'm with the sleep that night. I was like, you know, I'm going to see my mom. So I got a, you know, I had got a phone call, probably like four o'clock at the morning. So I wanted to just be in it. But I was like, man, let me go. I ain't had no clothes picked out at nothing, bro. Let me go put my clothes on. Like, let me put something on. Like, quick to go see my mom. Didn't tell I was coming. And even when I was out there, I'm sitting in the truck in the church parking lot. And I'm like, it was still like contemplating.

15:19Yep. Yep. And I had just feeling over me, bro. I was like, bro, like, I'm going to tell you what I said to myself. Why I got to keep showing up for a whole machine. That was showed up for me. I was in prison, she showed up. I went to trial, she showed up. I went through this she ain't show up. I went through this she ain't show up. Why I got to keep showing up. And bro, God said, you still ain't getting it. You still ain't, I'm in the, bro, I'm in the church parking lot. God, are you still ain't getting it? You still not getting it. And I, I just remember it's just like saying a little prayer. I was on the phone and I was like, man, I'm about to say a prayer right quick. And I said a prayer. And I was like, God, whatever it is that I ain't getting, man, help me get it. Because I can't see past my own stubbornness.

16:19Like, help me get it. Help me get it. And there was, it just can't some is like, to day changes everything. It's all I heard it was like to day changes everything. But you gotta be present. You can't be here with a stink attitude. You can't be a resenting. You can't, you gotta be here and be present. Yeah. You don't gotta stay all day but you gotta be present. So bro, I went in. They wasn't even know yet, bro, I just said, huh? She came in, she didn't even see me. She turned around saw me and broke down crying. Grabbing, she was like, my son, her whole energy changed. Because she had to hustle for my son. I really wasn't having to come. But if he don't come, I'll understand. Yeah. I know he's busy. She had built up that callus already, that spiritual, that mental callus. You know me? Just the... So man, I went, bro, and... Why still get baptized?

17:20And I cried. Because he immediately just seen her in the water, seeing it, I'm like, and it's like, I immediately, bro, like, and I'm gonna say, this is why it helped me so much. Like, immediately when I saw her get baptized, like, from the time she went down, to the time she come up, I went back to nine years old. And it's just like, you ever seen a movie? They'd be flicking. I saw it, like, from the minute she went down, to the time she came back, bro, I went back to nine, seeing hugged your shot, going to jail, everything going up, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and I removed myself. And I said, oh, this changes everything. Because trapped you, more efficient in your word, what if you start having Bible study with your mama, dog? Bro, you got so much in this dream. Yeah, what if you just start, what if you and mama's getting on the phone, so I'll talk my other word together? You feel me? Like, what if, like, because you're more proficient right now? Like, what if you, what if you start sharing notes with her in the word, bro? What if you start doing those things that, like, you trying to build a relationship on this?

18:20What if you, what if you rebuild a relationship? Oh, God. This changed everything. Now, you got to try to make her do nothing, because you old cable where she at right now. She actually, some money you could send them under, they know a big deal. Like, you waste money on dumb stuff. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. This changes everything. So, where we at, bro, I got it. We had a good time. I didn't stay. I stayed maybe like a couple of hours. You know, out of the baptism of state, talked to everybody, boom, and I felt good. I came home, I was like, yeah, that's good. Boy, that's the whole sermon that day. Yeah, man, like, it's just- Yeah, man, like, it's just- You can write that down. Because we've been through a lot, bro. Like, we've been through, like, even when I got shot, I'm like, you won't even know when I got shot. Yeah. God will use you to heal the same people that hurt you. Right. But here's the thing, though, it's only hurt because we looking at it from a certain lens. Yep. Yep. That's just a child. We looking at it from that, and that's all it was. Like, the whole while, I'm holding her to the version of her,

19:24and I got to get my friend- my friend helping with this, and like, it was like, and my old G.B.I. went. He called me. He called me yesterday. Sunday night, when I had got on me, he called me, he said, say, bro, I just want you to know, bro. You've been- I've watched you evolve. Yeah. In real time, he said, bro, but that post you put up with you on your mama, bro. He said, bro, I've read it, and I just want you to know, bro. I'm glad you did it, because you only get one. He said, bro, you can be in love with a person and get a heart broke, and you can- Over time, you can feel that voice. Yep. Yeah. Because, you know, you'll meet somebody else, and you- He said, bro, you don't get another mama. And if you're not on the best times, when the day guy called her, you never get to feel that voice again. He said, I know. I'd buy a set, he's speaking for some experience right now.

20:24Woo, bro. That's a- Bro. And I was just like, you know what? He said, bro, I don't care what it is. Say, hey, keep it up. Make sure you don't stop that. He said, you only get one, and say, bro, just like, bad. So anyway, let's get to our show, man. For somebody who's going through it, you fight with your mommy, fight with your daddy right now, man. Bro, like, you only get one, you're me. And it's easy for us to look at like what they did to us. Now, unless they done, unless it's you or something, then you gotta- That's the deeper story. That's the deeper story. You know what I'm saying? I get it. But if it's just on something, they wasn't there for me. Bro, like, fix that joint. Don't let- Don't hold on to that trauma like that. Because what you don't realize is, it's actually hurting you. I'm gonna say one more thing about this, like that played into- That put- That my relationship with my mama played into like

21:24my relationship with women. Because I'm always thinking, you gonna abandon me too. Yeah. So I can't really like- Like, I wanna get in, but once I see you do something, like, yeah, I gotta go right here, because like, she abandoned me. You feel what I'm saying? And so if I heal that, I heal this. So that's why when I heard, I say, like, this changes everything.