He Broke Down On Camera, This Is What Men Never Say Out Loud

and handle a Florida, I'm almost certain it's a,

oh gosh, what was it?

Like an ibis feather or something like that?

Something super magical.

This is the flame quartz.

It is going to go on the top of it.

Let me get to the chat.

Absolutely gorgeous piece.

I cannot wait to see it.

Is it too bright?

It is a little too bright.

You can still see it.

It's just not as crisp as it was.

Yeah, there you go.

And then for the staff itself,

shout out to my friend, Caitlin.

She gifted this to me.

It is a massive piece of driftwood

that someone in her family had found in Lake Michigan.

Come on, the zoo.

Are you just not able to do that?

There we go.

Funnily enough, I'm wearing the same shirt in this photo,

but just so you guys can see how tall it'll be next to me.

And then the flame quartz is going to go on top of it.

So it's going to have a little bit of height to it.

I'm very excited.

Very excited to see what comes of all of this.

So somebody in the chat said that there's laws around bird feathers.

So please be careful.

We share publicly.

I feel like just to be safe,

even though all the feathers that are on that staff are okay,

I should probably just cut that out just so that it's not public,

just in case.

Okay.

But we can finish talking about the stuff

and then Carrie can just clip that out.

And it's not public information.

The great legs are so haunted.

That's funny.

Yes, they are.

I believe it.

Somebody asked about the website.

The website for the church is the awakened consciousness.org

or a consciousness.org will get you there.

And if you can't find it, let me know.

I'll post a link before I forget.

I want to get a big necklace as well to wear.

Yeah.

She's, so a lot of things that

are going to be like passed down kind of things

because of the legality of it.

But we're going to end up with some things

that are kind of hard to get.

And I'm pretty stoked about it.

I am pretty excited about that too, yeah.

So that's our housekeeping.

For those of you who are not a member of our Patreon,

you missed a really cool show and tell

but not everything is for the internet.

So sorry, guys.

And then one more thing that I want to share

that I'm really excited about.

Can this go on the internet or should this go on the internet?

Yeah.

That helps Carrie.

She said it helps her when we tell her to cut shit.

Perfect.

So this part can go on the internet.

I have been delving really far into my star studies.

And now that it is getting, we're in daylight savings

and now it's getting lighter later.

I can go out in the morning at 6, 6.30 in the morning

and it's a totally different night sky

than it was when I went to bed.

So I'm able to see constellations

that I wasn't able to see during the winter time.

And I am so stoked about it.

I'm seeing Scorpio.

I got to see Draco this morning,

that massive dragon constellation in the sky.

I got to see Virgo for the first time the other morning.

I cried about that.

I'm not gonna lie.

I am really, really stoked.

I want to get so good at looking at the night sky

and seeing where I'm at by the constellations

and like telling what time of night it is

based on where the stars are in the sky.

Wait until we get to the desert

and you can actually see everything with no light pollution.

It sucks that you don't have an iPhone.

Why?

This is my sky guide app

is way better than the app that you have on your phone.

Well mine is still pretty good.

Yeah.

I think mine's better.

I don't like the iPhone.

I love my say I'm song.

Upside is we can put it on a tablet too

because we have enough iPads.

Oh that's true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I have to blow my nose

and then we can get into some email.

So do you want to find that while I go below my book?

I already have one pulled out.

All right, let me go blow my nose real quick.

Okay.

I always carry things like that.

Okay.

Someone has to see my nails.

Nothing crazy.

Remember I am cool with the length.

I really don't like super long fingernails.

Yeah.

And I don't like short fingernails on women

like just no nails.

So this is a good length for you.

Yeah.

It's not bad.

I noticed they're getting a little longer over time

and I don't know if that's just to get me acclimated.

It's going to get to the point that I'm like

that's too much.

No, this is probably where I'm at.

This is the longest I've ever had in my nails

and I almost told him to go a little bit shorter with it.

Yeah.

But if it makes you happy,

then it wasn't about acclimating you to longer nails.

It was more about how comfortable am I

and then touching base with you.

Do you remember me interviewing Michael Lang,

the guy that had a home invasion

and he used mushrooms to get over the PTSD from it?

Yes, vaguely.

I vaguely remember that.

I texted him this morning just checking in,

seeing how he's doing.

And he is one hour off of I-10 in Austin.

So when we go across the country,

we have two Texas stops that I know of for sure

that we have to make.

Okay.

So one of them, he wants us to come and hang out in Austin

with him for a day and see Austin, which is cool.

Yeah.

And we have to go and see if they've offered us

an RV spot on their land.

Love that.

And they're like 10 minutes from I-10.

Almost certainly so they for somebody that doesn't

is incapable of doing so right now, so.

Oh, I love that too.

Yeah, Steve's a good dude.

Steve's a good dude.

Great couple.

I took a picture of them at the couples retreat

when they were having a moment.

Yeah, definitely made my heart happy.

We have the men's retreats this weekend.

So today is March 12th.

For those of you who are watching this live,

you know what day it is.

But for those of you who are watching this,

the replay of this, this will be recorded

or released at the end of April, early March.

May.

May, I know how that goes.

That just didn't make sense to me when I said it.

I know I saw the confused face.

This will go live on April 20th.

No.

May 4th.

Oh, it's Star Wars Day.

Yeah.

This will be going on live on Star Wars Day.

May the 4th be with you guys.

I almost did this, but that sucks your strange.

That is definitely Dr. Strange.

I mean, you could, these are not the drones

you're looking for.

I can do this.

I can do this out.

Right.

I think that our son is super in a Star Wars right now.

So I'm getting the gist of it, which is funny

because he's into the toys and not the movies.

I have tried so hard to get him to watch the movies

and he just doesn't care.

I think he is watching them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just on his own time.

Right.

So, not on his own time.

I watched a video the other day that talks about,

Um, when kids are actually learning and retaining, they're moving and

fidgeting. Yeah. And when they're disassociating and spacing out, they sit still.

I think that's what our son's doing. Maybe I didn't think about that. Right.

Somebody said they're very close to Austin and living in Antiquing town.

What is the name of the Antiquing town? Because if it's an

Antiquing would not be a bad day. We have, we have two to three weeks to

kill. And like we're going from Florida, I 75 up to I 10 and we're going to

take I 10 all the way across to California. Yeah.

We're new California up to Route 66 and then take Route 66 all the way back

across the country and then back down to Florida. And we, as of right now,

have nothing planned other than stopping to see Steve and stopping in Austin.

Yes. So if you guys have cool, like roadside attractions that you think

we should look at, like leave that shit in the discord.

I'm sending you this now before I forget again.

Write that down. Is it for the tar pit?

No, it's a fridge lock for the RV. Oh, good call. Yeah.

I don't know why it does that. I don't know why it does that either.

You ready? I am. Let's jump into something else.

So this one is titled Mistakes Trying to Be Repaired. Hello, Chris and Peaches.

I was like, who the fuck is texting me and why is my phone making noise?

You literally just did that. Right. I was like, who the fuck?

Only one that makes my phone make noise.

You are also the only one that makes my phone make noise.

All right.

Not us being invited to help you plan your trip. I don't think that was stated.

I want to know all the cool shit.

I mean, I'm down, I'm down to know about the cool shit, but don't try to plan our

shit. Just let us know of the shit. Right. Right.

Very clear line being drawn to sand. Go with a pair of social relationships.

We don't like being told what to dance, but we're like, hey, but we do want to know about

all the cool shit. Yeah.

Being on the internet is a lot. Yeah. And being open about the things that we do with

our life is a lot. So that wasn't a fuck you to anybody. That was a clear line in the

sand of, yes, please let us know of the cool things, but don't send us a whole

itinerary plan with days and times and all of that.

It's not too much. It's funny that you actually have to say things like that

because it's happened. It has. Yeah.

We have to get the van or the RV wrap before we do this.

We got time. Don't spend the money on it. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to be honest. There's a lot of other things I'd rather buy.

Like, we need a clothes hamper. We need a new clothes hamper.

We need a lot of things. I keep getting distracted and like,

I need cable management stuff. Yeah.

There's a lot of things that we need to do. I just, it's not like,

it's, I think about it the one time every other day I'm moving the laundry basket.

Right? Like, it's cosmetic shit. It's not things that really impact our day to day life.

Just because they handles broken on our basket doesn't mean we need a new basket.

It just means that I need to be the one to move the basket because I'll stick my fingers

on the holes and just carry it. But the basket's super cheap anyways, right?

So like, it's not that big of a deal.

Haven't you had that thing since you were like 19? No. No. No.

I had to start over. Remember? Yes. I do remember that basket's new.

Ish. I guess not. It's like eight or nine years at this point, but you know,

that's funny. All righty. Yeah. Let's go.

I originally found y'all on TikTok and started watching the podcast on YouTube.

I started from episode one and have watched up to currently season two episode 11.

Okay. I watch and listen to y'all all day, watched a pot watching.

Cut that. Watching the, my spouse and I have been together for roughly 10 years.

He has taught me so much throughout those 10 years.

I bet you've taught him things too. Yeah. It's an equivalent exchange. Yeah.

It's, it's, it's growth, right? It's growth together.

Yeah.

Continuing. We met off kick and grew love from there.

For those of you who don't know, kick was a up back in like the 2010s.

Very grummy. Yeah. Yeah. Very

snap chatty. We could say the evolution of secrecy. Yes.

Continuing. He has taught me patience, trust, compassion, and composure.

He has shown me a traditional relationship and what a gentleman does for his lady.

He is the only man that has shown me that men won't leave you when they love you.

Yeah, they will.

That's some, so I totally understand what she's saying, right? I fucking get it.

I promise you, I'm not trying to

discount or put anything negative on to her relationship,

but men can only take so much. I was just going to touch on that. I love that.

There's a whole lot of men out there that will stay out of love,

but realize that some point love is not enough, right? Yeah.

Beautiful points.

The point of that is that you guys need to treat your men well if you want them to stay.

Yes.

Spot in my neck that's hurting in my trap. Like rolled.

Do they do that? Mine don't, but I also don't have the mobility you do.

If I could take half of my stiffness and give it to you and take half of your mobility,

we would be dope. I would do that for you. You would do it for you,

because I don't have any of those problems.

None. My shit doesn't roll and move the way that it's not supposed to,

because it doesn't move. Oh, you're right. I'm hyper flexible.

Right. Yeah, no, we should. We should.

Is that the washer? It is.

It sings for so fucking long.

I should probably go swap that. I'm going to go swap that. I'm going to be right back.

I

did the matrix stretch today before my workout. I hated it. That's funny.

It works, though. Right? I have to do that in the morning.

And I have to go in both directions. Otherwise, I can't move.

Like, I swear to you, that has to be my morning routine or I'm in pain.

Like, I'm sitting here right now with no discomfort.

And I do, I do three rotations in each direction. I probably should do five,

just to make it an even 10, but I don't know.

Kick with something else as a child with no adult supervision. I bet it was.

You guys see all the shit that's coming out right now about Roblox.

Like, the Sean Ryan showed just interviewed somebody that's going out that used that to

groomed children. It's all I have to get cut, Carrie.

Jeff Graham is creating the logo for the church or redoing the logo so that it's not an AI thing.

I heard you say something about Roblox.

Yeah. I was just talking to keep them occupied what you were doing your thing.

I am so on top of that shit with Roblox.

Our daughter came to me about two weeks ago and said that I've played Roblox.

I was like, where? And she was like, at my friend's house, so and so's,

their mom and dad let them play it when I spend the night.

I'm like, I messaged their dad before I have the mom's phone number,

but I didn't want to lose my mom, my mind on the mom. I messaged their dad and I was like,

did you know about this? He was like, no. And I was like, I am very staunch against either of our

children. I don't even want them to know what Roblox is. Let alone be playing the game.

He was like, no, I'm on the same boat because I send him every time something pops up in

regards to children and their online safety. I send it to him. Just so we're on the same page

about like, this is why I'm not allowing them to have social media x, y, and z.

He was like, I'll reach out to the mom and let her know and this is in that.

And I let him know I was like, if I find out again, for any reason that she's playing Roblox

or she is watching this other little girl play Roblox, she's not going to house anymore.

Who did you message?

The dad, their dad.

Their dad, okay. I wasn't sure if you meant the kids dad or the friends of the kids dad.

No, the children's father, our children's father.

That makes a lot more sense.

Yeah.

All right, ready?

Yep.

Carey cut all that.

To all it.

All right, recently my mother passed away unexpectedly on 9-3-24.

He was with me for the most of the process and has supported me throughout the process

and has helped me stay alive.

I lean on him heavily throughout my grieving process.

Around five, cut that.

Around month five that she had been gone, he went out to drink with his friends.

He told me he would be, quote unquote, home early from the outing.

When I woke up around 5am, cut that.

When I woke up around 5am, I couldn't find him in the house, but I heard noises.

I went downstairs to the walkway and saw him extremely drunk, half naked, soaking wet,

and covered in mud.

I'm sure this isn't a funny situation, but like the image of it.

Yeah.

I know my husband, and this isn't my husband, so I would click on that line and be like,

so what's going on?

How you doing?

Glad you found the right house.

One of yours, I'm stupid.

Yeah, that has nothing to do with that.

Kerry, when you edit this, put a timestamp of where this goes back to the email so that people

can skip this if they don't want to watch it.

I am maybe 17, 18 years old, and jinkos are very popular.

I had a pair of kangaroos that I wore every day.

Like they were my fucking go-to pants.

They were super comfortable.

They fit perfect.

The bottoms of them were afraid enough that I didn't walk on anymore because they were destroyed.

Me and my buddy Dave, we used to trip a lot, like a lot a lot.

One night, we ate a bunch of gel tabs.

These kangaroos, and we decided to go for a walk in clear water, and we walked through retention

ponds the entire night.

I remember bits and pieces of it.

Obviously, this was a long time ago, fucking 20 something years ago, 25, 26 years ago.

And fucking walking through these retention ponds, and those things were so caked in mud when

I took them off that I was able to stand them up.

And when I woke up the next morning, my kangaroo pants were crusted and dirty, like nasty

retention water, standing up in my room.

That would have scared the piss out of me.

You know how hard it was to get those things off and stand them up like that while I was

fucked up, but I did it. That was fucked up.

That's so funny.

It happens. What is a thing?

Okay, continuing.

I have never, all caps, never seen him drunk at all, especially not in that manner.

He said to me, I'm so glad you were here.

When I saw him like that, it scared me shitless.

And that's perspective.

Yeah.

Why is that perspective?

Because I wouldn't have been scared.

Like also, I do guardian work.

Yeah, that's true.

So we're going to get through this roller coaster together, buddy.

I'm not feeling the wind the way you are, but wonder how you got home.

Yeah, that's a good question.

Yeah, not feeling the wind the way you are.

That's true. That's the thing.

That is a whole last thing.

Continuing, I got him upstairs and settled in the bed and grabbed all of his stuff

that was scattered outside.

I went to living room to cry and to try to settle my anxiety, anxiety.

Why am I adding an L?

And try to settle my anxiety and adrenaline.

Carrie, you don't have to cut any of that.

You can leave that fuck up.

When I finally calm down, it turned into anger.

I was upset that my support person was in that condition.

I have a whole lot of stuff.

I'm upset about that.

What do you mean you're a support person?

As a married couple, you are each other.

So where was his support person that night?

There it is.

I don't have to say shit now.

Get it?

I agree.

I've had moments where I've been completely vulnerable in medicine.

We're like,

there have been times where I looked at you and been like,

I can't fucking do this anymore.

I need you to help me.

And I've had to completely submit my sovereignty,

completely vulnerable,

and allow you to take care of me like a fucking child,

like a toddler child because I went too deep

and couldn't control myself.

There's an honor that goes into guardian work by itself.

Oh, yeah.

Being able to serve somebody when they are in the medicine

is fucking massive.

We're not trying to say the alcohol is medicine.

No, we're not.

I actually think that it's poison.

I agree.

Um, but the point of that is to be able to be there for somebody

when they are too far gone to take care of themselves

isn't as part of your marriage.

Like, yeah.

And knowing that he did this for her for five months,

six months through,

where the fuck was the support?

Why did you get mad?

Why weren't you?

Why didn't you step to the plate?

And this is the first time she's seen him drunk ever.

Right.

So this is out of behavior.

This is like a once in a,

not even a once in a blue moon.

This is the

comment that comes around every 3000 years.

Right.

Right.

There could be a whole lot more to this,

but where we're at in the email

and what she's laid out so far, she's wrong for this.

I agree.

Okay.

What I'm getting from this is like her immediate reaction

of being scared shitless of him being drunk

and saying I'm so glad you're here

is that there's some sort of trauma,

either from childhood or previous relationships

where she had to take care of a drug addict.

It may be.

Or an alcoholic parent.

Maybe.

There was a caregiver role there somewhere.

Yeah.

For me, this is my opinion.

This is not fact.

For there.

I am not long.

For it to go from fear to rage,

I could see that being the case.

Yeah.

I could see there being frustration

as somebody being gone until five o'clock in the morning, right?

And not coming home when they said

they were going to come home.

But who knows what happened, right?

Like this is allowing your emotions

to get ahead of the cart is a problem.

Who knows that it totally made up?

Maybe he met up with somebody he hasn't seen since high school

and they started talking

and had a good time reminiscing about life

and like the drinks just kept coming, right?

And things got a little bit too far.

And once this is why you don't go to the bar

or ladies and gentlemen, but maybe he got to the point

where he was no longer restrained enough to quit drinking

because he got past the point of no return

and just kept going.

That could say a whole lot of things about his personality,

but if this has never happened before,

why not just roll with the punches?

Right.

Have a discussion about it a couple of days later.

Like, hey, I'm glad that you got to meet up with your friend.

I'm glad you got to have a good time moving forward.

Can you try not to be out till five a.m.?

Like, you know, it scared me.

Whatever, whatever, whatever.

But getting mad about it, like is this really something

to get mad over so far?

It's not.

Well, she's, she's getting mad in my,

what I'm taking away from this in my perspective,

she's getting mad because she felt abandoned.

Yeah.

Except that my support person was in this condition.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That is, this is definitely not an ebb and flow.

This is purely a flow.

Yeah.

And I'm not saying that the emailer wrote this out

with my support person like that kind of tone,

but that is how it's received.

Yeah, that's what she said, right?

Your words matter.

That's what she said.

Yeah.

Yep.

Continuing, I was upset that nobody called me to tell me

that he was home or to at least unlock the door

for him to get into the house.

He doesn't have a key to his house.

I thought he was in the house.

I went downstairs to the walkway and saw him extremely drunk.

The way this was written makes it sound like that he is

already in the home.

That's what he had to help him get up into the stairs.

Yeah, upstairs.

I mean, even if he was half naked,

covered in mud on the front porch,

why doesn't he have a key to his house?

That's a good point.

Yeah.

This is also one of those things where if I'm dropping off my friend

and say it's four o'clock in the morning,

I'm not calling my friend's husband.

Your wife is home.

Right.

Like you should know that she's home.

I'm also not pulling out of the driveway

until somebody gets inside the house.

Exactly.

I'm the same exact way.

So once I know that person's in the house,

like you're golden.

I don't know if I would wake you up.

If it's nice outside and it's five o'clock in the morning

and I know you're getting up in an hour, two hours,

I'm just going to hang out on the porch.

Yeah, I'm going to listen to the birds

and wash the sunrise.

Right.

Yeah.

You know, this is one of those situations

where you have to trust your husband to be a man,

even though he's in an inebriated state.

And this may be an extreme perspective,

but I view that I was upset that nobody called me

to tell me that he was home as a catering behavior.

Half naked for a man means his shirt is off.

Yeah.

When you think about it.

So like even that's not even a big deal.

Unless he's sitting out there in his underwear.

That's true.

You're going to make sure the camera was on.

Oh, recording.

And when I say catering, I mean,

why does somebody have to call

and even let you know that your husband's home?

Right.

Right.

I don't know.

It has never crossed my mind to call

my friends, boyfriend, spouse,

whomever to let them know.

Like your grown adult,

I just saw you walk through the front door.

I don't know.

Continuing, I was lastly upset

because seeing him like that reminded me

of the man my mom used to be.

She was addicted to pills.

There you go.

Okay.

You were right about the childhood trauma.

Oh gosh, I hate this next part.

I texted him a message out of anger,

saying how I found him and instructed him

with where his items are.

At the end of the message I said,

please don't reach out to me.

Don't talk to me.

Don't come to my house.

Leave me alone.

I don't want anything to do with you.

Enjoy your life and love the house.

So they're not married.

That's fucked up, but they're not married.

This man has been taking care of this woman for months.

And she just abandoned him in his time in need.

Oh my God.

That real shit, I will not take somebody back after that.

Me either.

Like, I understand that you're hurt

and you're grieving and you're going through

all these kinds of things.

You have never seen me drunk.

She said that.

This is not my pattern of behavior.

This is a once in a, our relationship now.

And you're going to explode over trauma

and take it out on me.

Like I may have just had a super great night.

Like with that hypothetical that we made

with an old friend coming into town

and haven't seen for 15 years.

And we're catching up on life

and we're feeling like we're 18 again.

And I'm going to wake up to this nasty ass message.

Right.

After he's taken care of her for the last five or six months.

After he's in there.

I thought they were married.

Why are they living in two separate houses?

Or is she saying that that's her house?

And he's not welcoming me.

It says my spouse and I.

Can you read the text message again?

Because that don't make sense to me.

At the end of the text message it said,

please don't reach out to me.

Don't talk to me.

Don't come to my house.

Leave me alone.

I don't want anything to do with you.

Enjoy your life and love the house.

I'm so confused.

Is that oh, she went to her mother's.

Oh, okay.

I read for it a little bit.

Gotcha.

So continuing she said after I fully calm down,

hours later I went back to the house to check on him

because he wasn't responding to messages or calls

and to further explain how I felt.

I would absolutely.

We ain't got nothing to say at that point.

We're done.

Yeah.

We don't get to talk about how you feel anymore.

You told me how you felt.

Yep.

You made it very clear.

Yeah.

That in my time of need I was a burden to you.

And I have been there for you the last five or six months

or however long it's been.

And I needed you and you abandoned me.

There's nothing else that needs to be said.

Also now I'm like kind of starting to shake a little bit

because of the crazy fucking manipulation

that I just caught.

That you're going to text him.

Please don't reach out to me.

Don't talk to me and don't come to my house.

Leave me alone.

And then go back to the house

because he wasn't responding to messages or calls from you.

Yeah.

Because you wanted to further explain how you felt.

That's insane to me.

Wow.

Continuing.

He didn't want to talk, which I expected.

I left the house again to go back to my mother's house

to allow him and I to calm down more to be able to communicate.

Later on, I realized how wrong I was

for communicating like that to him.

He has taught me so much and has been so protective.

Got that.

He has taught me so much and has even protected me for myself.

I hate that I possibly made him feel

like a shell of a man or possibly caused oppression.

I try to apologize to him, communicate to him,

and I haven't gotten any response back from him.

It's now been about two months since the last time

we had talked or even seen each other.

I continue to reach out to him to correct the problem

to assure him that I have learned the lesson,

not sure if that's a good term.

There's nothing to learn here.

You abandoned that man in his time of need.

There's no coming back from that.

Yeah.

You shown that man that you're not a teammate.

Yep.

Yep. It takes one time, one time for us

to really fucking need somebody and them not be there for us

and that's the end of that shit.

And it was because of your feelings.

Yep.

Because she didn't do the fucking work on her bullshit

from childhood.

I feel bad for that man.

I do too.

I feel bad for her too,

but only because she's lived her entire life living like this

and this is just okay for her.

Yeah.

It's obviously not okay now

because it finally came back to bite her in the ass.

But if you got childhood trauma

and you're in your 30s or 40s,

I don't wanna hear about your childhood trauma anymore.

Yeah.

You're an adult now.

You've had years of life,

decades of life as an adult

to get your fucking mental health together.

Living your life as a fucking complete wreck

and destroying other people is unacceptable.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I am not shocked at all

that he's not responding

or even communicating with her about what's going on.

I agree.

I think he should.

I think he should tell her

you abandoned me in my time of need

and made me the problem when I fucking needed you

after I supported you and took care of you

through whatever it was that you were going through

for five or six months.

And my one mistake,

which we don't even know what he did.

Like it could have just been a,

it could not have been a mistake.

We have no idea.

Like there's not enough information

there about what went on.

Which means, which leads me to believe

that there was nothing nefarious

because she would have threw him under the bus

if there was.

Right.

So it probably was just one of those things

where we went out and had a good time

and it was not a big deal

and she made it a big deal.

Yeah, I wouldn't, I wouldn't speak to her either.

Yeah, I view it selfish to continue

trying to push communication

when he hasn't responded after two months.

You need to leave that man alone.

You self-destructed, you blew up your life

and now this is the consequences

of unregulated self.

This is the importance of facing your trauma,

healing through your trauma,

recognizing that not everything

or everyone is out to get you

and learning to have a regulated response to something.

If I were him, if I were him,

there would be no coming back from that for me.

I've taken care of you for the last X amount of months.

Your mom's passing.

I've made sure that your life is easy,

lazy, lemon, squeezy,

and I've been carrying the stress of the world

on my fucking shoulders.

And the one night that I cut loose,

and I go a little bit overboard

because I was having a good time

and I wasn't stressing all these kinds of things,

you fucking left me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Someone in the chat made a really good point, guys,

again, if you're not a member of our Patreon,

you're really missing out

because we've got a lot of intelligent people there.

They said, also, I'm questioning

how the trauma is really affecting her

if she ran to her abuser when she was triggered.

Because her mom was the one

that was the addict.

And as soon as this happened, she went to Mama.

That's true.

That is true.

I think it's because the night didn't go

the way she expected it to and she wasn't catered to.

She wanted people to call her

and then this, this and that.

Like I said, I'm not gonna call the spouse

on my friend who I'm dropping off.

Right. There's no reason.

I don't even have my friend's spouse's phone number.

Right.

Because I'm friend with my friend.

Right.

Yep.

Let's go on in the next one.

Someone said, and she said her mom passed away

and I was like, you know what?

I have to double check that.

Because she did.

Recently, my mother passed away unexpectedly

on 9 3 24.

And then she said, I left the house again

to go back to my mother's house

to allow him to calm down.

So did she inherit the house?

Maybe that's what she meant

by don't come to my house.

Okay, that makes sense.

Information matters, guys.

This is why we tell you guys.

Yep.

This could be one of those bullshit ass emails

that people send us to.

It could be.

We do get a lot of emails that are made up stories

just to get them right on the podcast.

Do you want to tell me the growling?

Yeah.

I feel to double check.

We did.

Yeah.

Okay.

Can you move that one?

That one actually made me really mad.

The one you just read.

The one that we've read already.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One that we've read already.

No.

That I'm moving now, because I forgot to move it.

I forgot this shave today.

My chin.

My love, all of the hair's on my chiny chin.

Or are you laughing at me for?

Because you're funny.

The kids get so sad when I shave my little beard.

You don't have a beard.

You have a couple of whiskers.

Yeah.

It's, it's not Irish blood in me.

Was that what it is?

Yeah.

The kids will sit here and rub me like this.

When they get home, they're going to touch my chin and then be like, you killed them.

You can cut that care.

You can leave it in.

I don't care.

All right.

So this one is titled, Help Me Get Better.

Your Chris and Peach, I saw your videos periodically on TikTok, but I don't think I paid

much attention because I wasn't ready to confront myself.

Oh, I sound familiar.

But there was a video someone reposted of Mrs. Peach raising Mr. Chris's head when

he was having a low moment and reminded him of the King he is.

Ooh, that's the gym video.

That is the gym video.

She reposted that.

Yeah.

I thought to myself, I want to imitate, okay, cut that.

I want to imitate that Queen's behavior.

I am the type of person that I can't start in the middle.

So I started listening to your podcast from the beginning on Spotify.

I made it about halfway through before I decided to email you to give background.

My husband and I started dating as soon as we met in October 2021 and married in October

of 2023.

Okay.

Two years.

It's good.

Yeah.

It's a good time frame.

I was born in 1990.

He was born in 1986 because I don't know when in time y'all will actually read this

email.

LOL.

My husband, let's call him cowboy, was married before and decide that he was going to

take a long time dating someone before getting married again.

Three years isn't a long time, but I actually think two years is the right amount of time.

I agree.

I think that in two years, you've got the year of the honeymoon phase where everything

is just sex and great, then a year of conflict where you're working through all of the ugly

that comes because you're no longer in the lustful phase.

And after that two year mark, you know, like if this is somebody that has the right amount

of mental illness to be with, right.

Want to sign up to be with this person for the rest of my life, right?

And by that point, you're also going to start enmeshing your life habits.

So levels of cleanliness.

Are we compatible?

Yeah.

All those kinds of things.

Yeah.

I think two years is the continuing.

Yep.

He told me this in the first month of his dating and I told him I was fine with waiting.

I knew I was going to marry him, so it was worth the wait.

You wanted to see how he would handle various situations, good and bad, together as a

team and how I would react or respond.

I didn't laugh at that sentence.

I laughed because she said I was fine with it.

I knew that I was going to marry real shit.

My husband told me I'm not getting married again, and I don't want to be a dad.

And I was like, I'm cool with that.

I'm going to be Mrs. Berkett.

And here we are.

That's funny.

That's funny.

That's funny.

I knew it in my bones.

I knew it in my bones.

So I believe her.

I believe her that she knew it.

All right, continuing.

He actually taught me about the love languages and discussing the hard topics that should

be discussed prior to getting married, traumas, experiences and past relationships, preferences.

We talked through everything, our expectations, our past, our goals and dreams, children,

et cetera.

We wanted to base our relationship on the way we believe God designed marriage to work.

That's wild and contrasty hearing.

We want our relationship to reflect the fact that we're feminists.

Yeah.

From the other days.

Oh my gosh.

Love this.

Yeah.

So far so good.

All right.

In today's verbiage, the traditional marriage is what we believe to be the closest thing.

Love that.

While we were dating, I lit fire hours.

My name may cut that.

While we were dating, I lit five hours away in a different state.

We spent our dating phase seeing each other every month.

He would come and visit me for a weekend one month.

And since I work from home, I'd pack my computer and stay with him for a week in the next

month.

Okay.

So the, okay.

During this time, I helped around his house like cleaning, taking care of his dogs, helping

with little things in the business and some cooking.

My work, oh God, I just remember we have shepherds pie in the fridge.

Okay, continuing.

My work volume at this time was able to let me do things during the work day so that

this was the standard that was set.

Fast forward.

He proposed and less than a year of us dating.

He's my king, my best friend.

Everything I could have asked for in a partner for life.

He is my Superman.

Can we pause?

First of all, I love the Superman thing.

That's not why I'm pausing.

I heard that after I mentally succumbed to pause, hell yeah, Superman.

Who would win in a fight?

Goku or Superman?

Don't do that.

Don't ever do that, especially around nerds.

Unless you're like I am and you just want to say it and then back up like Homer Simpson

into the bush and watch.

Yeah, you don't even have a stake in it.

I never, never have a stake in it.

Never adds to the conversation.

Superman would win because I'm a Superman kid.

So like, there's no way to justify either one of those because in both of those universes

they become godlike.

Yeah.

I am a Superman fan.

I learned how to read while I had chicken pox reading on a tape recorder that had read

along books to Superman.

So like, that was a huge, huge part of my childhood.

Anyways.

Somebody in the chat said, so he tested her and then the people were like, yeah, I knew

it too.

I knew it too.

I knew it too.

I want to talk.

See, there it goes.

What?

Who tested who?

The guy tested her saying that he wanted to wait a long time before he got married to make

sure somebody fits.

Yeah.

Bro, we're testing everybody.

You should.

Yeah.

And using the terminology he tested her puts a negative spin on it.

It's malicious intent.

Yeah.

What do you think the courting and dating phase is?

This is a trial experience to make sure that we mesh well enough to actually get together

and make this work as a team.

Yeah.

This is a test.

Life is a test.

Right.

Life is a fucking test.

End of the moment.

Their density being as many times as it takes to reach for a density because there's

free will here.

There's a whole lot of things that we have to be able to transition into whatever is

next.

Your relationship should be no different.

When you meet people, you should be challenging their thoughts, challenging their opinions.

See the way that they respond when you challenge their opinions.

Are they free thinkers?

Are they fucking so obsessed with being right that they can't take somebody else's opinion

because they have to be right.

There's a whole lot of things that goes into your courtship.

It is absolutely a test and there's nothing wrong with that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Continuing.

Yes.

I moved states to live with him and got a promotion at my company so I could work out

of state.

This promotion has put more work volume on me so I have found I am unable to maintain

how I used to help around the house when I have had less work volume.

My full-time job is for an insurance company from home while he runs a construction and

general contracting company that he started with his dad back in 2018.

Okay.

So they do fairly well for themselves.

Yeah.

Contractors can make a lot of money.

Our company and I am able to help in small ways but I did try and take on more responsibility

after we got engaged and took the responsibility of being the owners' wife seriously.

The problem was I took on too much and didn't want, oh, fuck, got that.

The problem was I took on too much and didn't want to let it go and to me that was failing.

Cut that.

What the fuck is going on with the sentence?

The problem was I took on too much and didn't want to let it go because that anything

in life and all you're doing is bed rotting and doom scrolling and you set a goal to

get up and make your own lunch but instead you door dashed, I would qualify that as a

fail.

Yeah, I would too.

Right.

But if you are working and you're adding more things to your plate and you're recognized

that, oh my God, I'm full.

Next time I don't need to put as much on my plate and it's okay to clock that.

You're still being productive.

You are still doing things with your life.

The whole point of that is to say that you're being your own abuser.

When you apply that kind of pressure to yourself and you think that you are failing and you

have to continue to do this until you run yourself into the ground, you have picked up

the mantle of being your own abuser because whomever made you feel this way in prior

years and got your nervous system accustomed to this is how you should feel.

They're gone and you're doing it for them.

Anything to add to that?

Nope.

Yeah, I do want to just say that none of that's just really a big deal.

I understand that there are people out there who are OCD that feel like things have to

be done a certain way.

I really am.

I'll get to it when I get to it.

There are things that are important to me that I'm going to do right away but for the

most part, it's not that big of a deal.

I want to enjoy my life and I'm going to do the things that I enjoy more than the things

that I don't.

So continuing?

Yes.

I now know that it's not okay and I've allowed the tax I handle to be Minuni got that.

I now know that this is not okay and I've allowed the tax I handle to be given to someone

else.

Good.

He helped me realize that it's not failing.

Delegating responsibilities as a business owner and I'm not going to get it crazy in

a business unless this is what the email is about.

As a business owner, you should be operating at about 10% of your business and that's it.

You should be working on your business and not in your business.

So if you are a business owner and you have the financial capability to hire someone to

do the jobs, that is their responsibility and they're going to be good at it.

Pay the fucking money and let them do the thing and then work the 5 to 10% of your business

that truly matters.

Yes.

Beyond that, it doesn't.

I am so disengaged from the tattoo industry at this point that I've delegated everything

to Jeff Graham and like his wife and the only thing that I do is handle the finance

shit.

Upgrades, things of that nature when I'm told that we need it and the business is thriving

and I'm able to focus on other aspects of our life.

I'm able to handle the podcast and editing and the church and all the things that we've

got going outside of that.

And I have allowed my first business to become mailbox money so that we can build other

brands and other things to continue to grow this fucking legacy if that's what you want

to call it.

Yeah.

To do the thing, right?

So like that's the goal for everyone.

You should never let your business own you.

Yes.

That's all I have to say about that.

And this is totally off topic to everything.

And that's all I have to say about that.

This is totally off topic to everything.

For a very long time, and this is because you said that our legacy is what triggered

this thought.

For a very long time, I was very scared of dying alone.

Like my children, not around me, my grandkids, not around me, you've already gone like

alone in desolate.

And I recognize that I was taking on the fears of somebody else.

And I now have this, I'm fully confident that I'm going to pass away on our compound.

Yeah.

And I'm going to be able to be buried under whatever tree that I want.

Gotta get the compound.

We will.

Gotta get the compound things, things are happy.

Note we have a hundred members of the church already.

I did know that.

I saw it this morning.

Well, and that's just on the Patreon side of things.

I'm sure that there are free members that have signed up on the website that did not

become free members of Patreon.

But we are.

We're over a hundred people already.

That's insane.

In a week.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's somebody pop into the church discord this morning and say that they were very nervous

about joining the church because it's a church.

And like they're, there's religious religion trauma there.

You know what I mean?

Like they didn't say that.

But that's what the way that they word it indicated that it's either religious trauma

or they're afraid we're going to try to convert them away from what they already believe.

And that's not what the church is for us.

The church is not a change.

It's an addition.

Yes.

An enhancer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're just trying to add a little bit of sparkle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A little bit of magic.

A little bit of self love.

I want to write a song now.

All right.

Continuing.

We are not quite yet to a point where we can comfortably afford me being a stay at home

wife so that so this is our current lifestyle.

We have discussed in depth our love languages.

We each have a moat.

Cut that.

We have discussed in depth our love languages.

We each have multiple that we respond to and took the time to rank them and important

to us.

Cowboys number one is acts of service.

My number one is physical touch.

Okay.

See, but this is important.

Does he receive love as active service or does he give love as active service?

Right.

Does that matters?

That also matters.

Pause for just a second.

Carrie, this is for you.

Somebody said, clip this.

Please.

You guys want us to clip certain aspects of content.

The easiest way to make sure that that gets clipped is in the discord tag, Carrie, which

is a fire nation.

And then say the episode and the time that it starts and stops so that she can clip it

when she edits it.

Yes.

Because otherwise it won't get clipped.

I have no say in that anymore.

She does all of that shit.

Yeah.

And she is active in the discord if you tag her.

Carrie.

Yeah.

She's got her headphones in.

Yeah, she didn't hear that.

Let's go.

All right.

I have found that acts of service while his definition of acts of service, taking care

of the home to a point that he doesn't have to worry about anything is hard for me

to do while working a full-time job.

We have had discussions where he has communicated that his love tank hasn't been filled and

I just cry because I don't know what else I can do.

I work full-time.

I meal prep for the week, pre-cook all breakfast lunches and dinners for both of us for the

week and one weekend, clean those dishes, pack his lunch every day, manage the schedule,

and the house.

I clean.

I manage the calendar and tith for a Bible study group rerun.

Tith.

Tith.

Yep.

Cut that and do that again.

Which is only, I'm not going to get into that.

Okay.

Really not going to get into that.

All right.

You guys aren't supposed to tide the church.

I know that everybody.

Is that paying?

It is.

It's the 10% that you give to the church.

When you read the Old Testament and they talk about tithing, it has nothing to do with

today's religion.

Yeah.

It's just something that's implemented to make money.

I know that we own a church now and we are supposed to be getting donations and things

of that nature.

I don't want people to give me 10% of their income.

Yeah.

No, that feels uncomfortable.

Right.

If at the end of three months you recognize that you have an extra 50 bucks and instead

of buying McDonald's, you want to donate to us dope.

Yeah.

Right.

But I don't want 10% of your weekly earnings.

I would rather people not give us anything until we need it.

Yeah.

Hey guys, we have a member who's been domestically abused for the last six months and she's

trying to get her own place.

We have a single dad who's got nothing for Christmas.

Right.

Let's come together and be a community.

Right.

I would rather that be a thing.

Yeah.

This has to get cut.

With the way that the church is set up as a 508, everything is a nonprofit and we are

able to pay ourselves out of the church and we've spent over $20,000 so far setting the

church up and like buying the things that we need for ceremony and all of that shit,

website, whatever.

I'm not taking that money back.

That's a loss.

That'll be written off on the taxes as a loss.

All of the money that we make through the Patreon, all of the money that we make through

services, ceremonies.

Donations.

All of that is going to stay in that account until moving forward.

We either do another ceremony or someone needs help or we buy land, right?

Yeah.

I'm not touching that income.

It's not ours.

We don't need it.

Right.

And then that's the mindset behind all of this community funds.

Yes.

Yep.

Yeah.

This is going to be this is going to be a very big deal.

It's coming.

Yeah.

So.

All right.

Let's get back to that because I don't want to make this too hard for a carry to edit

and carry when you clip that just cut that back out to be where I said we can get back

to it.

I don't want to make this hard.

That way it's clear that it was a clip.

And I'm also going to go back to I work the full time I meal prep week.

So when you cut this and I have to repeat the tithe, that's where I'm starting.

Oh, that'd be way easy then.

Yeah.

Go to there.

Okay.

I work full time.

I meal prep for the week pre-cook all breakfast lunches and dinners for the both of us

for the week and one weekend.

Clean those dishes pack his lunch every day, manage and schedule the house cleaner.

So you guys have a house cleaner, you're not the only one.

That's what it sounds like.

Okay.

Manage the calendar and thife tithe for the Bible study group rerun.

I do one social media post for our company a day, update family calendar, that is couples

who choose not to have children.

Dual income, no kids.

Yep.

What an acronym.

Yeah.

Um, so we update the family calendar, make the bed in the morning.

I am not consistent every day with it, but I do my best.

Handle animal visits and most recently laundry disclaimer.

I am not perfect.

I do not handle all of these with perfection.

I have lapses just like normal humans do.

We have never gone through an assigned chores just because we have never thought to do it.

I know I just listed all the things I do for the house and I would list his, but it really

varies on his availability.

There are times that situations come up in our company.