How To Dom When You’re A Sub

0:00It's the King Consultant Podcast, where we're turning up the heat on all things King and dating relationships and top culture, so close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down to it. Hey everyone, welcome to this week's episode of the King Consultant Podcast. I am doing a solo episode because I have been getting a ton of questions lately about how do I dumb, how do I switch, how do I play the dominant role? People seem to have a lot of anxiety around being a dumb, and I wanted to address some of the concerns here. So think of this as like quick tips and tricks into how to be a dumb. As you all know, in my stories on Instagram every Monday, I host Monday asked me anything, and this is the question I get the most. My partner wants me to dumb, and I'm willing to do it, I just have no idea how.

1:01This one is super common because usually when I get this question, the person asking me is used to playing the submissive role, and their partner wants to be in the submissive role sometimes too. Number one thing right here is, I need you to let go of trying to be the dumb your dumb is to you. That's not the type of dumb you have to be. I say this all the time, as a switch, the sub I am is not the type of sub I would want if I were a dumb. My dominant energy, the type of dominant I play, is a caretaker role. I can be strict and authoritarian. What I need from my dumb is a little bit harsher. And that's the thing. When people think, oh, I have to be a dumb. How do I get into my dumb energy? They're thinking, how do I act like I'm in charge and they have to do what I say? Which is funny because that's the joke we all say not to do. As subs, we don't want our doms acting like they're in charge and they know what's best and that's that. We want them to pay attention to us. So dumb energy isn't about being that in control, our authoritarian type all the time,

2:04although it can be fun to play with that. Dom energy is about presence. That's like the beginning and end. You are there and you are creating a space. Think of it like a bubble of energy that you are pulling your submissive or the person who's going to play your submissive into, okay? Once you have that frame of reference, you realize this is a world you've created. They're in it and you get to call the shots. Do you see how you're still in control? But the idea is they're in your bubble and you have to protect them in this bubble too. You don't want to make this a prison experience unless it is a prison role play. What you want to do is you want to decide that you are creating a space for you and your submissive to enjoy a scene, a dynamic. And it might just be for a short time, it might be for a long time. But the point is while you are the dumb, you do call the shots, but you are constantly looking at yourself. You are there with them. You are connected within the same bubble and your job is both to guide them, lead them,

3:06and take care of them. So that requires a lot of presence and paying attention to who they are and what they want. But you do not have to do this blindly. What I mean by that is you get to ask questions. You don't just invite them into your bubble without saying what are you looking for? What would make you feel good? Get to know them. I originally started teaching dumb energy because I, as a switch, have struggled to lean into both my dumb energy and my sub energy at times. So what I did for myself was I sat back, carved a path for myself to easily step into my dumb energy or my sub energy. And that's something that worked for me. And I realized a lot of people are struggling with this because they're not even thinking about it from a point of, oh, I can step into this energy. I can be in my dominant space and really owning it authentically, same for this submissive space. So I decided I want to teach other people my method of how I've done this in the past

4:07and what's worked for me to give them options because I'm a firm believer that you just need to create the right neural pathways to be living a life you want to live. And that applies to dumb energy as well. I have a lot of clients come to me where one partner is submissive and they want their partner to be dominant. Their partner loves them very much. They want to try it, but they are lacking both the confidence, skill, knowledge, understanding and belief in themselves to be able to do it. But last part belief in themselves is what made me realize this is a very common issue that has a semi easy solve. So without that belief in themselves, they weren't able to reflect in words and think, OK, how do I want this to play out? They were so focused on living up to the other person's expectations. They didn't take time out to think, what do I want out of this? How do I want this to look? Which by the way, is a large part of how I work with couples because oftentimes people are there to make their partner happy and then I ask them, well, what do you want?

5:08And I'm telling you there are usually two minutes of silence because they weren't prepared for that question. So I asked people in my dumb energy class to do the same thing. Tell me what you want from this and there can be a range of answers. A really common one that I don't want to scare anyone off is I don't want to do this at all. You have to remember, when things are unfamiliar, they're super scary and it seems like something you don't want to do. But until you try it and give it like the old college try, you're not sure whether it's truly something you don't want to do. If you have a boundary and being a dominant is that that's your boundary, I totally respect that. But if you're feeling like, I don't want to do this, it seems like a lot of work. I don't think I'm going to enjoy it. I would encourage you to give it a try. So when I'd ask what it is it that you want, people would say, well, I just want to give them what they want. And while I really appreciate that answer because it comes from a place of love, I try and tease out, okay, these are the types of dominance there are. And I think if you've been following along, you may know, but maybe you don't know, there's the caretaker type of Dom that might be the mommy daddy type of Dom. There's the strict master type of Dom and they have a slave, usually who does everything

6:13they say pause here because I want you to understand all of these roles still require you to care deeply about the submissive and care about their needs as well. There's no version of this where you don't give a crap about your sub. There's the financial Dom and I know a lot of people have stories about how they became a fin Dom and someone bought them a house, but it really requires expert knowledge and how to be a Dom. There's the pleasure Dom, someone who's very focused on using pleasure as a tool in their domination. And then there's the stereotypical, I guess we just call them Dom. And that might be the more authoritarian type who has a firm guiding hand as opposed to the caretaker Dom who has sort of like a more gently guiding hand. I ask people, which one of those sounds most like you or the version of you you'd like to be as a Dom. Once we start to look at that question, we can get to the authentic version of who that person is as a Dom. That was such a common question that I created a free guide for people called speaker desires with confidence. That's a free download you can get in the show notes today where I teach people how to

7:17talk to their partner about their kink and discover their communication style. It's a worksheet for both you and your partner to fill out independently and then come together to walk through all the directions are inside to make it a really fun, enjoyable workbook for you and your partner as opposed to feeling like homework. So obviously I used to be a professional in Dominatrix. I have played dominant to people in really quick succession like five or six sessions a night. I would meet someone. Sometimes for the first time, figure out what they wanted and then dom them in a session. That gave me a really great understanding of being able to ask people what they're looking for. Being able to play the Dom they wanted me to be something that I didn't fully appreciate about that experience was how good I got at asking people what they were looking for and really listening, pulling out the themes that they wanted from their session. And I think that's something I didn't give enough credit to that ability to do it because I trained on it, but it wasn't like a sit down lesson where I learned how to do it. I learned on the job literally.

8:18It wasn't until I got into a 24 7 dynamic myself and watched my Dom do that for me that I remembered, wow, this is a skill. He is really good at it and I'm good at it too. But for him, he has been a full time Dom to people for longer periods of time, whereas I was doing it session by session or in short relationships. It gave me a new perspective on what it means to really communicate with yourself and take the time to understand them better. And I think that's something that's missing. So I originally had a very popular class. And still one of my top selling courses, how to tap into your Dom energy. And while I stand by that class and I still think it's extremely valuable, I decided to launch Dom Energy 2.0 to include more of that authentic communication style and how to truly create a scene that is right for you and your partner. I go through actually communicating with your submissive and asking what they're looking for, learning to understand the themes and pull out the threads that make this their

9:21desire so you can play with those in your scene with them. By doing Dom Energy 2.0, I'm really going to help people step into their Dom energy by helping them learn how to command a room in an authentic and convincing way. I'm showing people how to quickly study their partner to create the scene they both desire. One thing I think almost every Dom, no matter how experienced, could change today that would give their sub a different experience. Show up with your real feelings. Do not pretend to be feeling stronger than you are happier than you are, calmer than you are. Show up with your real feelings. If that is not the right energy to bring to a scene where you're doming, like if you're very anxious, I would say don't go into a scene, okay? But say you are tired, say you are really happy. Do not change who you are just to do a scene as a Dom. So show up with presence, be true to who you are and how you're authentically feeling. If you're tired, don't go into a very dramatic scene with maybe a lot of intricate work.

10:24Go at the pace you need it to be at and communicate that with your submissive. If you don't want to say I'm tired today, so we're just going to do some ground road work. No, what you're going to say is this is going to be a slow session today. I'm going to be taking it easy and you're going to follow my lead. You're setting their expectations and being true to yourself. Because if you have to pretend to be happy, to pretend to be more energetic than you are, there's going to be an imbalance in how that scene plays out. You're pulling a lot of the weight. And although people think, oh, doms are in charge and sub just follow, I truly believe power exchange is a full on balancing act. And if either one of the people playing in this role are overextending themselves just to be in the scene, it's not going to be authentically fun or a fair exchange at the end of it. Anything I've talked about today resonates. If you are a switch who wants to just become more empowered as a dom. If you're a sub who wants to understand how to be a dom, either to better yourself as

11:24a submissive or play with the dom role at some point now or in the future, I cannot recommend tapping into your dom energy 2.0 enough. The link to sign up is in the show notes. It's going to happen on April 23rd at 8 p.m. Eastern time. A recording will be available afterwards. So I highly encourage you to sign up. I will be answering questions live. Check it out. I think this is going to be fitting for anyone who is an experienced dom or someone who's just even curious about what it could possibly like to be a dom or who just wants to understand better what their dom has to work through and how their dom operates to have more appreciation as a sub. So this course really is for everyone. Check it out. I know. Every time someone comes to one of my classes, even the most experienced dom, most experienced sub, they tell me they have learned from it. So if you're even curious, check it out. Let me know if you have any questions in advance. Happy to answer those two.