How to Stop Auditioning For Roles You Already Have

Have you ever noticed how some people walk into a room like they already belong there?

Well you walk in like you're about to be voted off the island, you rehearse what you're

going to say, you double check your tone, you laugh the things that are mildly amusing

and best, and you monitor everyone's facial expression like you're running some emotional

surveillance, all because somewhere in your nervous system there's this quiet persistent

thought.

I hope they like me, I hope I'm doing this right, I really hope I don't mess this up,

chosen, already invited, but you're still acting like you're in the lobby holding a resume,

waiting for someone to call your name, so today we're talking about why so many recovering

people pleasers keep auditioning for roles they already have, and how to finally walk

on to the stage like the part is yours, because it is, so let's unpack the crap and

start the way we always do by getting tuned in, tapped in, and turned on.

Welcome back to pocket full of mojo, I'm Steph, your mojo maven, and if you grew up as

the peacekeeper or the helper, the good kid or the easy one, maybe the overachiever or

the one who just never caused any trouble, then you probably learned something early.

Love felt a little bit conditional, not in a dramatic villain origin story kind of way,

more in a subtle everyday emotional weather kind of way, like you noticed that people were

warmer when you were helpful, the things felt calmer when you were agreeable, and that

praise showed up when you performed well, and tension showed up when you had needs, so

your nervous system made a very smart, very logical decision, okay, well, I just have

to be impressive, helpful, pleasant, and low maintenance all of the time, and just

like that, you didn't just become a person, you became a performance, a walking, talking

audition tape.

And if we put it all under a microscope, you'll see that this shows up everywhere, like

in friendships, you're the one who always texts first, always checks in, always organizes

the plans, because if you stop, well, what if the friendship disappears, or maybe in your

romantic relationships, try to be the cool one, the understanding one, the one who doesn't

ask for too much, or the one who says, I'm fine, even when it is spiritually, emotionally,

and logistically, very not fine, or at work, you over-deliver, over-prepare, over-explain,

and over-apologize, because deep down there's this tiny voice saying, don't get comfortable,

you could lose this at any time, so you keep auditioning.

For the role of best friend, girlfriend, partner, employee, daughter, team player, easy going

overall human who never needs anything, and what you really are, is exhausted, because

these auditions never end.

Let me tell you a story, years ago, I was invited to this dinner party with a group of

people that I didn't know very well, and I showed up, like I was competing at the Olympics

of being likeable.

I brought a hostess gift, I offered to help in the kitchen, I left it every joke, I asked

everyone about their lives, I complimented the food, like it had just saved my life.

Oh gosh, the salad is incredible.

See, if it's just, is it just lettuce?

No, but like it's really good, like I was on, charming, engaged, agreeable, low maintenance.

That was a delight, honestly.

At one point the host said, oh, you're just so easy to have around, you just fit right

in, and instead of feeling relaxed, my brain went like good, keep it up, don't ruin it.

And that night I went home, a completely drained, not fulfilled, and then it hit me.

No one else at that table was auditioning, just me, like they were just being themselves,

looking like normal people, disagreeing occasionally, sitting on the couch, like they had a right

to exist there, and all that seemed real foreign to me, because I was performing like there

was a panel of judges holding score cards.

So let's have a look at the cost of constant auditioning, because when you live like this,

there's a few things that start to happen.

First, you're never relaxed in your relationships, even with people who love you, like you're always

monitoring and adjusting and improving and polishing, like a human software update that never

finishes installing.

The second thing that happens is you're going to feel unseen, because people are responding

to the performance, and not the real you, because that's not who you're showing them.

And then you think, well, why doesn't anybody know the real me?

Well, bibs, it's because they've been only been watching the highlight reel.

And the sneaky number three is that you tie your worth to your usefulness.

So if you're not helpful, funny, easy-going, or impressive, then who are you?

And that question feels terrifying.

So wanker yourself in the big truth.

You're already cast in the show.

Like, here's a reframe that might make your nervous system blink a few times.

Like if someone is your friend, if they're dating you, if they've hired you, if they invited

you to the party, if they call you on the phone, if they show up for you, you already have

the role.

You are not in a callback, and you are not in round three, and there is no panel whispering

Let's see if she earns it.

You've been cast, and continuing to audition for a role that you already have is like bringing

your resume to your own birthday party, or asking your best friend for a reference letter,

or submitting a cover letter to your own couch.

Look, it's unnecessary, and a little tragic, but very fixable.

So let's do it.

We do best on pocket full of mojo.

Let's get a practical.

Practical shift number one, you want to start noticing where you're performing.

Like start paying attention to where you feel like you have to earn your spot.

Is it at the family dinner table?

Is it at the water cooler at work?

And just ask yourself, where do I feel like I can't relax?

Where do I overthink every text?

And where do I feel like I have to be extra helpful or extra funny or agreeable?

That is audition energy.

And awareness is the first step to turning off the spotlight.

Practical shift number two, do one unperformed thing.

Like in a relationship where you usually perform, try one small, unpolished, messy,

honest action.

Like for example, just admit that you're in a bad mood.

Or say that you'd rather stay in than go out.

Let someone else choose the restaurant.

Don't be the one who fixes the plan.

Or send the text that's simple and real and not perfectly crafted.

Because what you're doing is you're teaching your nervous system that I don't have to earn

this moment.

I'm already part of it.

Like I once dated someone where I felt the urge to craft the perfect text every single

time.

You know the ones where you write it, then you delete it, then you write it again, then

you add an emoji, and then you remove the emoji.

And then you're like, oh, is this too much or oh, maybe it's too cold.

Is this mysterious enough or am I coming across as emotionally stable, but also interesting?

It was a full production.

In one day, I was tired, like spiritually tired, like no editing energy left.

So then he texted, how's your day going?

And instead of my usual perfectly polished response, I just said, you know what?

Honestly, I'm kind of a mess.

I spilled coffee on my shirt and I'm behind on everything.

And that was it.

No sparkle, no wit, no performance, no polish.

And he replied, he replied the cutest thing, he's like, sounds like you need a hug in

a snack.

I got both.

I'm on my way.

And I remember thinking like, oh, I don't have to be dazzling to be cared for.

What a concept.

Or try practical shift number three, let there be silence.

Like people, pleasers, we often feel responsible for keeping the energy up, right?

Like we fill the sciences, we smooth over the tension, and we keep conversations going

like emotional cruise directors.

So now try this.

Next time there's a pause, let it be.

You don't have to entertain the room, and you don't have to carry every interaction.

Sometimes belonging looks like just sitting on the couch, saying nothing, and still being

welcome.

Little shift number four, I want you to ask for something.

Like audition energy is all about proving your worth.

Belonging energy includes asking for things.

So find a relationship where you feel safe and say, can we watch something like, I've had

a long day, or can you pick up dinner tonight?

I could use some encouragement.

Can you help me out?

As asking for something without overexplaining or apologizing, it sends us really powerful

signal to your brain, and I'm not here to perform.

I'm here to participate.

So as you step into your new role as participant, as opposed to auditioner, your new job is not

to impress everyone.

Your new job is to be present, it's to be honest, it's to be real.

To let people see that unedited version of you, not the curated highlight reel, emotionally

air-brest version, I'm talking the real one.

The one who sometimes feels grumpy, or insecure, or needs reassurance, or just wants to stay

home, who doesn't have the perfect response, because that version of you is not a problem.

That version of you is perfectly imperfect, that version of you is human.

So here's your challenge for the week.

I want you to pick one relationship where you tend to perform, and in your next interaction,

I want you to do one thing as if you already know you belong, because you do.

And maybe that looks like speaking your real opinion, or saying no to a plan that doesn't

align with you.

Maybe it's just simply admitting that you're tired, or trying something radical, like

not over explaining yourself.

Just one moment of, I'm already cast in this play, energy, and I want you to notice how

it feels.

So if you've been auditioning your whole life, it makes sense, that you learned that love,

approval, and safety were things that you had to earn, but you're not in that environment

anymore.

You're not a contestant, and you're not a candidate, and you're definitely not a maybe.

In the right relationships, you're a hell, yes.

And the sooner that you stop performing for the roles you already have, the sooner you

get to experience what those roles are meant to feel like, comfortable, mutual, real, and

surprisingly peaceful.

So this week, I want you to retire from at least one audition, put down the metaphorical

resume, step off the imaginary stage, and cancel the call back in your head.

I want you to walk into one relationship like the part is already yours, because chances

are, it is.

And if this episode felt like you just read your search history, your draft texts, and

your emotional diary, I want you to send it to a friend who's been overperforming maybe

for years.

Let's start a little rebellion, a little quiet one.

One where we stop auditioning and start actually living the roles that we already have.

And that my friend is some high quality new audition required Mojo, and you've got a pocket

full, and you're ready to make these challenges, and take them, and make them your own.

And if this episode just calls you out in high depth, then the Mojo 7-Day Makeover is

your next move.

It's for recovering people, pleasers, who are just done with the overthinking and the

overgiving.

And inside of it, we rebuild your confidence, your boundaries, and your self-trust, so

that you can show up as yourself without the guilt spiral.

So if you're ready to stop performing, and start living with real Mojo, then this

link's got your name on it.

Check it out in the show notes, and you can start today to reclaim your Mojo, and reconnect

with your fabulous self.

And by this time next week, you'll be one step closer to the unstoppable force of nature

that you are born to be.

This has been Steph, your Mojo Maven.

I'll see you in the next episode.

And until then, love yourself, love each other, and keep your Mojo close.

Tell for now, gorgeous.

Love you, bye.