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Have you ever noticed how some people walk into a room like they already belong there?
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Well you walk in like you're about to be voted off the island, you rehearse what you're
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going to say, you double check your tone, you laugh the things that are mildly amusing
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and best, and you monitor everyone's facial expression like you're running some emotional
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surveillance, all because somewhere in your nervous system there's this quiet persistent
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I hope they like me, I hope I'm doing this right, I really hope I don't mess this up,
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chosen, already invited, but you're still acting like you're in the lobby holding a resume,
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waiting for someone to call your name, so today we're talking about why so many recovering
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people pleasers keep auditioning for roles they already have, and how to finally walk
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on to the stage like the part is yours, because it is, so let's unpack the crap and
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start the way we always do by getting tuned in, tapped in, and turned on.
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Welcome back to pocket full of mojo, I'm Steph, your mojo maven, and if you grew up as
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the peacekeeper or the helper, the good kid or the easy one, maybe the overachiever or
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the one who just never caused any trouble, then you probably learned something early.
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Love felt a little bit conditional, not in a dramatic villain origin story kind of way,
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more in a subtle everyday emotional weather kind of way, like you noticed that people were
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warmer when you were helpful, the things felt calmer when you were agreeable, and that
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praise showed up when you performed well, and tension showed up when you had needs, so
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your nervous system made a very smart, very logical decision, okay, well, I just have
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to be impressive, helpful, pleasant, and low maintenance all of the time, and just
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like that, you didn't just become a person, you became a performance, a walking, talking
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And if we put it all under a microscope, you'll see that this shows up everywhere, like
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in friendships, you're the one who always texts first, always checks in, always organizes
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the plans, because if you stop, well, what if the friendship disappears, or maybe in your
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romantic relationships, try to be the cool one, the understanding one, the one who doesn't
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ask for too much, or the one who says, I'm fine, even when it is spiritually, emotionally,
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and logistically, very not fine, or at work, you over-deliver, over-prepare, over-explain,
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and over-apologize, because deep down there's this tiny voice saying, don't get comfortable,
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you could lose this at any time, so you keep auditioning.
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For the role of best friend, girlfriend, partner, employee, daughter, team player, easy going
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overall human who never needs anything, and what you really are, is exhausted, because
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these auditions never end.
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Let me tell you a story, years ago, I was invited to this dinner party with a group of
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people that I didn't know very well, and I showed up, like I was competing at the Olympics
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I brought a hostess gift, I offered to help in the kitchen, I left it every joke, I asked
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everyone about their lives, I complimented the food, like it had just saved my life.
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Oh gosh, the salad is incredible.
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See, if it's just, is it just lettuce?
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No, but like it's really good, like I was on, charming, engaged, agreeable, low maintenance.
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That was a delight, honestly.
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At one point the host said, oh, you're just so easy to have around, you just fit right
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in, and instead of feeling relaxed, my brain went like good, keep it up, don't ruin it.
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And that night I went home, a completely drained, not fulfilled, and then it hit me.
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No one else at that table was auditioning, just me, like they were just being themselves,
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looking like normal people, disagreeing occasionally, sitting on the couch, like they had a right
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to exist there, and all that seemed real foreign to me, because I was performing like there
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was a panel of judges holding score cards.
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So let's have a look at the cost of constant auditioning, because when you live like this,
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there's a few things that start to happen.
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First, you're never relaxed in your relationships, even with people who love you, like you're always
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monitoring and adjusting and improving and polishing, like a human software update that never
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finishes installing.
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The second thing that happens is you're going to feel unseen, because people are responding
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to the performance, and not the real you, because that's not who you're showing them.
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And then you think, well, why doesn't anybody know the real me?
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Well, bibs, it's because they've been only been watching the highlight reel.
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And the sneaky number three is that you tie your worth to your usefulness.
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So if you're not helpful, funny, easy-going, or impressive, then who are you?
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And that question feels terrifying.
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So wanker yourself in the big truth.
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You're already cast in the show.
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Like, here's a reframe that might make your nervous system blink a few times.
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Like if someone is your friend, if they're dating you, if they've hired you, if they invited
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you to the party, if they call you on the phone, if they show up for you, you already have
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You are not in a callback, and you are not in round three, and there is no panel whispering
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Let's see if she earns it.
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You've been cast, and continuing to audition for a role that you already have is like bringing
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your resume to your own birthday party, or asking your best friend for a reference letter,
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or submitting a cover letter to your own couch.
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Look, it's unnecessary, and a little tragic, but very fixable.
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We do best on pocket full of mojo.
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Let's get a practical.
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Practical shift number one, you want to start noticing where you're performing.
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Like start paying attention to where you feel like you have to earn your spot.
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Is it at the family dinner table?
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Is it at the water cooler at work?
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And just ask yourself, where do I feel like I can't relax?
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Where do I overthink every text?
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And where do I feel like I have to be extra helpful or extra funny or agreeable?
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That is audition energy.
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And awareness is the first step to turning off the spotlight.
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Practical shift number two, do one unperformed thing.
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Like in a relationship where you usually perform, try one small, unpolished, messy,
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Like for example, just admit that you're in a bad mood.
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Or say that you'd rather stay in than go out.
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Let someone else choose the restaurant.
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Don't be the one who fixes the plan.
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Or send the text that's simple and real and not perfectly crafted.
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Because what you're doing is you're teaching your nervous system that I don't have to earn
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I'm already part of it.
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Like I once dated someone where I felt the urge to craft the perfect text every single
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You know the ones where you write it, then you delete it, then you write it again, then
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you add an emoji, and then you remove the emoji.
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And then you're like, oh, is this too much or oh, maybe it's too cold.
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Is this mysterious enough or am I coming across as emotionally stable, but also interesting?
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It was a full production.
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In one day, I was tired, like spiritually tired, like no editing energy left.
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So then he texted, how's your day going?
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And instead of my usual perfectly polished response, I just said, you know what?
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Honestly, I'm kind of a mess.
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I spilled coffee on my shirt and I'm behind on everything.
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No sparkle, no wit, no performance, no polish.
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And he replied, he replied the cutest thing, he's like, sounds like you need a hug in
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And I remember thinking like, oh, I don't have to be dazzling to be cared for.
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Or try practical shift number three, let there be silence.
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Like people, pleasers, we often feel responsible for keeping the energy up, right?
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Like we fill the sciences, we smooth over the tension, and we keep conversations going
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like emotional cruise directors.
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Next time there's a pause, let it be.
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You don't have to entertain the room, and you don't have to carry every interaction.
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Sometimes belonging looks like just sitting on the couch, saying nothing, and still being
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Little shift number four, I want you to ask for something.
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Like audition energy is all about proving your worth.
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Belonging energy includes asking for things.
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So find a relationship where you feel safe and say, can we watch something like, I've had
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a long day, or can you pick up dinner tonight?
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I could use some encouragement.
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Can you help me out?
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As asking for something without overexplaining or apologizing, it sends us really powerful
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signal to your brain, and I'm not here to perform.
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I'm here to participate.
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So as you step into your new role as participant, as opposed to auditioner, your new job is not
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to impress everyone.
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Your new job is to be present, it's to be honest, it's to be real.
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To let people see that unedited version of you, not the curated highlight reel, emotionally
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air-brest version, I'm talking the real one.
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The one who sometimes feels grumpy, or insecure, or needs reassurance, or just wants to stay
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home, who doesn't have the perfect response, because that version of you is not a problem.
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That version of you is perfectly imperfect, that version of you is human.
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So here's your challenge for the week.
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I want you to pick one relationship where you tend to perform, and in your next interaction,
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I want you to do one thing as if you already know you belong, because you do.
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And maybe that looks like speaking your real opinion, or saying no to a plan that doesn't
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Maybe it's just simply admitting that you're tired, or trying something radical, like
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not over explaining yourself.
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Just one moment of, I'm already cast in this play, energy, and I want you to notice how
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So if you've been auditioning your whole life, it makes sense, that you learned that love,
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approval, and safety were things that you had to earn, but you're not in that environment
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You're not a contestant, and you're not a candidate, and you're definitely not a maybe.
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In the right relationships, you're a hell, yes.
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And the sooner that you stop performing for the roles you already have, the sooner you
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get to experience what those roles are meant to feel like, comfortable, mutual, real, and
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surprisingly peaceful.
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So this week, I want you to retire from at least one audition, put down the metaphorical
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resume, step off the imaginary stage, and cancel the call back in your head.
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I want you to walk into one relationship like the part is already yours, because chances
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And if this episode felt like you just read your search history, your draft texts, and
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your emotional diary, I want you to send it to a friend who's been overperforming maybe
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Let's start a little rebellion, a little quiet one.
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One where we stop auditioning and start actually living the roles that we already have.
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And that my friend is some high quality new audition required Mojo, and you've got a pocket
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full, and you're ready to make these challenges, and take them, and make them your own.
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And if this episode just calls you out in high depth, then the Mojo 7-Day Makeover is
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It's for recovering people, pleasers, who are just done with the overthinking and the
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And inside of it, we rebuild your confidence, your boundaries, and your self-trust, so
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that you can show up as yourself without the guilt spiral.
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So if you're ready to stop performing, and start living with real Mojo, then this
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link's got your name on it.
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Check it out in the show notes, and you can start today to reclaim your Mojo, and reconnect
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with your fabulous self.
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And by this time next week, you'll be one step closer to the unstoppable force of nature
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that you are born to be.
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This has been Steph, your Mojo Maven.
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I'll see you in the next episode.
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And until then, love yourself, love each other, and keep your Mojo close.
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Tell for now, gorgeous.