5 Stages: How to Leave a Toxic Relationship When You Have Kids

Are you wondering how to leave a toxic relationship when you have kids…maybe even part of you is still hoping things will change…for the kids’ sake. That makes sense. In fact, here’s the five stages most women go through when thinking about leaving a toxic man.

THE 5 STAGES OF How to Leave a Toxic Relationship

1. Things Get So Bad That You Wonder If There’s Something Better

Sometimes, things have to get really bad before you even start thinking about how to leave a toxic relationship when have kids and you realize things need to change. Maybe something big happens or things just keep getting worse and worse until you can’t ignore it anymore.

It’s like waking up one day and realizing, “I can’t do this anymore.” Maybe you even discover he’s emotionally abusive. To discover if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take my free emotional abuse test.

2. You Start to Do Something About It

After you decide you can’t take it anymore, the next step in how to leave a toxic relationship is, to do something about it. This might not fix everything right away, and that’s okay. Trying to do something, even if it’s small, means you’re learning and getting stronger each time. It’s like practicing for a big play, trying different things to see what works best.

3. Commit To Protect Yourself (No Matter What)

This step is when you decide to make a big change and stick with it. It could be deciding not to do something for the person hurting you anymore, or maybe even moving away from them. It’s like crossing a bridge and making sure you can’t go back to the way things were before.

4. DEVELOPING NEW Protective Strategies

Even after you’ve made the change, it might feel strange for a bit. You’re getting used to a new way of living where you’re in charge. This time is for healing, finding out who you are, and starting to build a happy life. You might pick up new hobbies, make new friends, or work on your career. Little by little, things start to get better.

5. You Can See A Clear Path To The Peaceful Life You Want

In the last step, you start to really believe you can have a happy life without being hurt. It feels like seeing the light at the end of a dark tunnel. You think about having a safe home, doing things that make you happy, and being with people who treat you well. This step is all about going from just getting by to living a great life, finding out who you are, and doing things you love.

Thinking about a happy life helps you make good choices for yourself as you move away from being hurt. It’s like a light guiding you to a future where you’re happy and safe.

Transcript: How To LEAVE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS

Anne: We have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Janet. As we describe the processes we went through in determining how to leave a toxic relationship when you have kids, listen for how you can protect yourself from his emotional abuse. As you’re listening, if you can’t quite visualize this. There is a map embedded in this transcript below. And you can see that map.

I’ll share part of the story of how I discovered The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop Strategies. The strategies work, whether you’re married or divorced. Before I discovered these strategies. I was trying to leave a toxic relationship with kids, becasue my ex-husband, even eight years after divorce, was being emotionally abusive almost daily. He was messaging me all the time.

And was counter-parenting. He cancelled my kids’ medical appointments. He was trying to manipulate the situation so my kids wouldn’t take sports, so he didn’t have to pay for it. It was just constant stress and trauma. And I got really, really angry because I was like, I’m so good at boundaries. I was doing everything “right”. And the court wouldn’t help me, and clergy wouldn’t help me. I thought like, is there no way to actually live free from abuse?

And people often said things like, well, you got to move on with your life. Why don’t you just get over it? You got divorced eight years ago, they’re thinking the abuse happened eight years ago, and I’m like, it happened today. When he messaged me today, he lied to me, and he tried to undermine my children. So I wondered how to stop emotional abuse from husband?

The Communication Trap With Abusive Ex-Partners

Anne: Janet before you enrolled in The Living Free Workshop. Can you talk about all the things you tried, in knowing how to leave a toxic relationship with kids?

Janet: A lot of us have gone through counseling, marriage therapy, or 12 step for wives of pornography addicts, and most of the time they focus on our communication skills with our husbands or our exes. I felt that I could change the outcome if I could just communicate and explain it in a way that he could understand, treating him like he just didn’t know.

We catch him in a lie, in real time, and we have full evidence. And we think if I point out, you just lied to me. He’s going to have an aha moment, own it. Hey, I’m so sorry. I totally just lied to you. And maybe do differently. So if I told him and explained it to him, it would stop. And the opposite happened every single time.

In the Living Free Workshop, one lesson talked about when he has access to communication to continue to abuse us. The problem is that communicating with them is a trap. Right in the beginning, when we started to share the kids 50/50 from both of our houses, and things were falling apart at dad’s house.

The Temptation To Argue & Communicate With Abusers

Janet: And then I would get the kids back, and they would kind of unload all the things that had happened at dad’s house. I call him and say, hey, I can help you. You know, the mornings are chaotic. Can you set a timer? Wake yourself up at six, so you can wake the kids up at six thirty. the lunches pre-made, or teach the kids how to make their own lunches if you’re busy getting ready for work. And I thought it would help. Guess what happened? It just got worse, more chaos.

Then he stopped waking the kids up altogether. They were late almost every day to school. If the kids would say anything, their dad would start to cry and say how sorry he was that he is trying his best. This is so hard, he’s working so hard, and he can’t seem to do anything right. His manipulation was so bad, so communication just doesn’t work.

Anne: Yeah, and The Living Free Workshop explains why. So I’ll leave that to Living Free, because it does a really good job of explaining why communication doesn’t help. And then what to do. Luckily, the Living Free strategies can protect you from his emotional abuse in knowing how to leave a toxic relationship with kids without communicating anything to him.

Strategies for How to Leave a Toxic Relationship With Kids

Anne: It will teach you how to do strategic communication. So that if you communicate with him, the communication is protective. Betrayal Trauma Recovery is not a religious organization for many reasons. One of them is that we have clients from all over the world. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery team is interfaith, inter paradigm. We have women from different Christian faiths, other religions, agnostics, and atheists. Everybody is welcome here.

I always hesitate to share my own religious experience, because their husband and clergy have spiritually abused so many women. Many women are still experiencing the effects of spiritual abuse. So they find scriptures or scriptural references to be very triggery and I absolutely do not blame them. So for women who find religious things to be a little triggery or for my agnostic or atheist or Muslim friends. If you can bear with me as I talk about deliverance in the context of Christianity, because this is how I discovered the Living Free strategies.

If you take The Living Free Workshop, all of it is secular. It’s not in the context of religion, and the principles work, no matter what your religion or paradigm is. If you’re interested in reading more about my study, you can see some of it at the back of the Living Free Workbook. If you’re not interested in learning more about my study, you can just disregard those last few pages.

I realized the court could not answer stop the emotional abuse from my husband? Or would not, they probably could, but they refused to do anything to help me. I went to my clergy and said, hey, our church does not tolerate abuse. What are you going to do to not tolerate this?

Anne Blythe’s Personal Journey Toward Deliverance From Abuse

Anne: They literally just stared at me and blinked their eyes and didn’t know what to do. So I started praying. Everywhere in the scriptures, Christ is the Deliverer. He is the Savior. He delivers people from their enemies, saves people. So I thought, through my Savior, Jesus Christ, I should be able to get delivered. I didn’t have language for it at the time, but I was desperately trying to understand how to leave a toxic relationship and still protect myself and my children. In part of my study, I read a bunch of deliverance books from various religions. And the best story we have of deliverance is Moses delivering the children of Israel out of Egypt.

So after studying deliverance for a year and continuing to pray. I decided to take a trip to Egypt. And Jerusalem with the specific intention of studying deliverance. In preparation for the trip. I wrote a bunch of prayers, and I put them on tiny pieces of paper. And while I was there, I prayed at the west wall in Jerusalem and stuck those prayers in the wall. And one of them was that I would be delivered, and then I could help deliver women all over the world.

Within six months of returning home from Jerusalem, after implementing the strategies I had discovered. I was delivered and my children were delivered. Without going to court.

Anne: I had a legal document written up, and I used strategy to send it to my ex, and he signed it, but there was no court involved. So now they do not have to go with him if they don’t want to. And the parent time schedule is only one weekend a month, from Friday at six to Sunday.

The Israelites’ Story As A Metaphor FOR HOW TO LEAVE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WITH KIDS

Anne: With no midweek and only two weeks in the summer. And only two holidays ever, period the whole year, only two holidays. So basically, we get to do whatever we want now. I no longer need to protect myself from from my husband’s emotional abuse. I’m free now.

I have this map of the children of Israel delivered, so Janet, you can see this. All right, so when I went to Egypt, I’m going to make up numbers here. But let’s say 500 feet on either side of the Nile is the most luscious, beautiful farmland because the water’s right there. And you can see when it changes from farm land that’s easy to water, bordering the Nile river, to a crazy absolute scary desert.

We were on the Nile, and I looked out and it was like green and then like sand. So, if you look at a map of Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Jordan and Israel at that time. Where the children of Israel were captive by Pharaoh. They were actually in the Nile delta, where there was a good farmland, lots of water. They weren’t living in a hole.

And they’ve been there for hundreds of years. They were born there. So the Israelites at that time didn’t know anything else. They had never been to the promised land. They knew nothing about it. So even though they were enslaved and oppressed, it’s the only thing they’d ever known. So when Moses is commanded to deliver the Israelites. They ask Pharaoh to let them go. And he says, no. So then God sends frogs and fire from the sky and turns the Nile into blood. All of those plagues.

STAGE 1: Things Get So Bad That You Wonder If There’s Something Better

Anne: Now everyone sees this as God’s way of forcing Pharaoh to let them go. But I actually think. It was for the Israelites. Because when these things happened to Pharaoh, when the Nile turned to blood and all the frogs and the fire from the sky. It wasn’t just happening to Pharaoh. It was also happening to the Israelites. So even though it’s the only thing they’ve ever known. It got so bad. They started thinking. Maybe there’s something better.

So for all abuse victims, this is stage one. When things get so bad, you start wondering. If there’s something better out there.

STAGE 2:You Start To Do Something About It

The second stage, I’ll talk about in a story of Moses in just a minute, is you start to do something about it. Now many women are trying to figure out what’s going on. They start to try to find out how to leave a toxic relationship with kids.

They’re resisting the abuse by getting help. So many women will try pornography addiction, recovery or couple therapy. Janet. What did you try during this stage?

Janet: I tried anger management, sex addiction therapy, CSAT, couples therapy. All of the above.

Anne: Yeah, because that’s what everyone tells us to do. We don’t understand it’s abuse, we try to get help for betrayal trauma in marriage. We go for help. In the case of the Israelites. Moses starts by trying to negotiate with Pharaoh. I wonder if some Israelites wondered if they could maybe strike a deal with Pharaoh, where they had to work a little bit less. Where they got a little more food. The land, there is goodness there.

How To Leave A Toxic RElationship With Kids: Overcoming Fear

Janet: This is the man that I built a family with, I love him. He isn’t horrible a hundred percent of the time, because I’m still in the fog of the abuse. So I haven’t even gotten the chance to feel relief enough to realize how much abuse is going on.

Anne: Right, at this point, the Israelites like legit might think more about the frogs, the fire from the sky, and the blood of the Nile. Than they are about Pharaoh’s oppression. Thinking that some of it is good. Not realizing that the good was also bad. It was grooming to keep them stuck, to keep them oppressed. The Living Free Workshop explains this really well.

So finally, after all these plagues, Pharaoh was like, fine. I think we underestimate how difficult it was. For an entire group of people to pack up and leave. They’re going out into the desert, they’ve never left before. They don’t know anything else. So I imagine them getting out their carts. And putting everything they own in these carts.

And I’m wondering if Pharaoh’s like, hold on no, no, no. You can’t take all those animals. You can’t take this cart. So there’s this period of time of figuring out who’s going to take what. And finally, they can actually move out. And they’re making their way out of Egypt. Now, if you look at a map, you’ll notice that the Jerusalem is up near where the delta is of the Nile,. And they could’ve just walked across the top of the Sinai peninsula instead of going south.

Navigating The Exodus: A Journey Of Survival

Anne: Assuming they’re led by God, he wants them to go this very hard way. That has a massive body of water in between Egypt and the Sinai peninsula. What are they going to do? Like build boats, you know? When I was there, I was like, what in the world? Why wouldn’t you just walk from point A to point B? That does not have a giant body of water. In between. But instead, they go south to the Red Sea. And they get stuck.

By this time, Pharaoh has changed his mind. He sent his armies after them. They can’t go forward. Or they’ll drown. And maybe some of them wanted to go back, but chances are, if they did go back, Pharaoh would take it up a notch and oppress them so that they could not escape again. And a miracle occurs. Moses parts, the red sea. Aside from the absolute awe of being completely blown away by this incredible miracle. Let’s think about the practicalities of this situation.

The Red Sea was not parted until this point. Water had covered the bottom of the red sea for thousands of years. There’s no well-worn path at the bottom of the red sea. So, if you start down this path, you’re going to be up to your waist in mud, tripping over rocks. And if it were me, I would think the entire time, is this water going to fall down on us and kill us?

They didn’t know if they would even survive crossing the Red Sea. I’m guessing that, due to the practicalities of the situation, some people were like, uh, I’ll take my chances with Pharaoh. Because, the way forward seems too dangerous.

HOW TO LEAVE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS: THE RED SEA CROSSING

Anne: We don’t know how long it took the Israelites to cross the Red Sea in the mud, and the rocks. But it could have taken days. Luckily, the Lord held the Egyptians back with that pillar of fire. So they couldn’t come destroy them during the process of crossing. But again, the entire time they’re crossing, they don’t even know if they’re going to survive.

Janet: And they didn’t know what was on the other side. They’ve never tasted that freedom. They don’t know what that land will look like. So they could see the Red Sea parted freeze and not take those steps through the mud.

Anne: I remember praying. Save me, God save me. And God is like, yes, I’m here. I will save you. Start walking across the mud. And I’m thinking. But I don’t want to get my feet dirty. As I learned these strategies, I remember telling God, like, what, you want me to step in that mud?

Janet: This analogy of the Israelites approaching the Red Sea and not knowing what’s going to happen. Their life had to get so bad that it pushes them to conquer the fear of watching those waters part. Looking at that ground and actually doing the hard steps of sludging through with all their items. With the fear that the water might come down on them. They don’t know what’s on the other side. They don’t know if their enemies will get through.

It’s almost that gift of the emotional abuse from my husband got so bad that there’s no other choice. I don’t know what this will look like to leave a toxic relationship when you have kids. I don’t know how hard it will be to pass through those waters.

Stage 3: Commit To Protect Yourself (No Matter What)

Anne: When I look at this map, I think the reason they went down south is instead of just going up and going east over the top part of the Sinai peninsula. Is that once they got to the other side and the water fell down, they couldn’t go back.

And that’s the third stage of how to leave a toxic relationship when you have kids, protection. It’s protecting yourself through the strategies I teach in The Living Free Workshop, and committing to those strategies no matter what. No matter how much he tries to manipulate you or whatever grooming tactics he uses. That you maintain those safety strategies, not just with him, but with people around you.

https://youtube.com/shorts/J4S2vwdknzc

Because I think the reason God had them go south and cross the Red Sea was because he did not want them to go back. It was also a protection. There would be no other way to stop Pharaoh’s army, had they gone across the north of the Sinai peninsula. God wants us to use safety strategies to protect ourselves. And to use them, no matter how hard it gets. The Living Free Workshop gives women strategies to protect themselves.

And these strategies work, but the key is commitment. If your husband is abusive. He’s going to try to exploit you in all kinds of ways. He may groom you. You don’t know what’s going to happen when you start actually protecting yourself. The Living Free Workshop lays out exactly what to do to protect yourself. In a way that he can’t get around it, it’s not up to him anymore. It has nothing to do with him. You can protect yourself no matter what he does.

The Emotional Journey Of Post-Abuse Recovery: Wandering In The Wilderness

Anne: The Israelites only had two options. Be slaughtered by Pharaoh or recognize that God had presented this safety strategy. He parted the Red Sea. And they could walk through.

So let’s talk about the other side. On the other side, they’re protected from Pharaoh’s army, because Pharaoh’s army is now destroyed. But they don’t know where they’re going, and they don’t know where they’re going to get food or water. I’m sure. Some of them regretted crossing the Red Sea, because now they couldn’t go back. And they missed that lush farmland, where they used to live. Many of them probably feel worse off now than before.

Pharaoh is not oppressing them, but their situation is difficult. The Living Free strategies require sacrifice. It will feel like you’re just living day to day, and you won’t know exactly what’s going to happen. So it’ll feel like wandering around. But if you commit to the strategies. They can help you be delivered from the emotional abuse by your husband.

The children of Israel wander around what is today Saudi Arabia, the Sinai peninsula, for 40 years. They get manna from heaven. And they have to live day by day, they can’t plan for the future. They don’t have a map. They’re led by a pillar of sand. So they went from this lush delta where they had everything they needed. To living in a tent in the middle of nowhere.

STAGE 4: How to LEAVE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP Using Protective Strategies Day-by-Day

Anne: When I went to Jerusalem, we wandered in the wilderness. I looked out the window of the bus. There were actual dirt devils out there all over the place. I was, what? Some of them were bigger than others, but that pillar by day, that they followed to figure out where to go. I thought, I can totally see this happening. That is fascinating to me, and it was hot. I was there at the end of April, beginning of May, and it was like a hundred degrees. It was so, so hot.

The scriptures talk about the cloud that would come between the Israelites and the sun to shade them. There’s the pillar that guides them. They get manna from heaven day by day. They get water out of a rock. They’re committed to protecting themselves from Pharaoh.

As you use The Living Free Strategies, there will be miracles along the way. In my faith, we call them tender mercies. This is stage four of how to leave a toxic relationship when you have kids. Using protective strategies day by day. Not knowing exactly where they’ll lead you.

Janet: This phase was like euphoria, the waters did not crash down on top of me. For the first time in however many decades, I can breathe. I have a safe home for my kids. It’s like living for the first time.

Anne: I’ve heard women say, I can breathe again. Or at this stage, something like. I went outside and I could see color.

Janet: That I could taste food,.

Anne: Yeah.

Janet: Or sit there for hours, like, wait, what am I supposed to eat? I have the option of choosing what I’m going to eat. It’s like learning to live.

Finding Deliverance From Abuse

Anne: I think they’re amazed that they receive manna from heaven. They have what they need. Even though they might not have what they want, their lifestyle is maybe drastically different than before. They might not be eating the same foods they ate before, but they’re living on rice and beans. They’re not starving to death. For awhile, it feels good. Then it’s like, wait a minute. It would be nice to know what’s going to happen next.

Even though you’re mostly protected from abuse. There’s still quite a bit of uncertainty. When I was in Jerusalem. I also went to Jordan and literally wandered around in the same wilderness that it talks about in the Bible. Then we went to Mount Nebo. Mount Nebo is where the Israelites went right before they could go to the promised land. From Mount Nebo, they look out and see the promised land. Across the Dead Sea.

It was surreal to be in Jerusalem. It’s a lot, like the Salt Lake Valley where I’m from. I felt at home there, because it has the same geographical features as Utah. We actually have Utah Lake, and there’s a river between Utah Lake and the Great Salt Lake called the Jordan River. It’s the same thing in Jerusalem, the Red Sea, then the River Jordan flows into the Dead Sea. And the Dead Sea and the Great Salt Lake, both do not drain. So they’re both salt, and you can easily float in them.

STAGE 5: How To LEAVE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP AND FIND A Path To A Peaceful Life

Anne: Then in Jordan, we went to Petra, which is like Zion National Park. In fact, we even have a mountain in Utah called Mount Nebo. And my mom was raised right under the shadow of Mount Nebo, in Utah. So I felt at home in Jerusalem and in Jordan. I feel like God tasked me to help deliver women from abuse.

While I was on Mount Nebo. I wanted to talk to Moses. because Moses never made it down from mountain Nebo. He actually died on Mount Nebo. He never made it to the promised land. So on Mount Nebo, I thought maybe I would never make it. Maybe I won’t be delivered, but I want to make sure everybody else is. So Moses, please teach me what you want to teach me while I’m here.

So I left the tour group. Trying to find a quiet place where I could pray. And Moses did not come and talk to me, unfortunately. But Mount Nebo is where I had the inspiration for stage five. You can see a clear path to the peaceful life that you want. And you know exactly how to get there.

Janet, we were talking before. And you mentioned that was how you felt when you discovered strategic communication. You knew you needed to do it. Can you talk about seeing that clear path? And then of course. The difficulty of walking the path of how to leave a toxic relationship when you have kids.

Janet: Strategic communication was the hardest thing for me. The mixture of fears from my court experience, portrayed as gatekeeping and keeping the kids away from him. Just the fear of him and what he had put me through.

Seeking A Promised Future: From Mount Nebo To Wanting Justice

Janet: I was constantly worried about not explaining every detail to him, holding his hand through parenting, reminding him when early out was, even if it was his parenting time. Just constantly, he lived rent free in my brain. Getting to the part where you stop trying to explain. It wasn’t the fear, I just couldn’t give up wanting justice. Wanting to show him in his face what he is doing to the kids and have him own it.

Until I realized he’s even using that. That’s even a way of him trapping me on purpose. He was abusing the kids to get to me. There’s no justice. Just the pure anger for whatever the situation is, anger, fear. Will he take me back to court, or could I get in trouble somehow?

Being so worn out, the abuse will not stop, and just being tumbled like in the waves. Coming up for air, and then another wave comes, and then coming up for air, and another wave comes. the exhaustion of trying to communicate somehow. It all leads into a different trap.

Living Free made how to stoping the emotional abuse so simple. The lessons are very short. It’s like your best friend is holding your hand. Print out the workbook, you can watch it again. If you feel like you missed that concept, go back and watch it again. It makes it easy, and I wish I had it at the beginning of my divorce. Strategic communication was so good.

Lessons From The Living Free Workshop: HOW TO LEAVE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Anne: That’s so exciting. The tools in Living Free are about protecting ourselves. But they’re not about asking victims to let go, move on, or stop giving away their power. Or all those triggery, I think stupid things people say to us. Of course, you would want justice. That anger will serve you well. Speaking of anger when I first discovered the strategies. Uh, I did not want to do them. It. did not seem like the best idea. Especially with strategic communication.

I was like, what? You want me to write it like that? That’s ridiculous. But I did it anyway. And the fruits were incredible. Not only did they improve my situation, but I felt better from the inside out. It wasn’t until I implemented the strategies that I figured out why. And I explained all of it well in the Living Free Workshop.

Janet: When I started doing strategic messaging, I saw the benefits. You’re not, in harm’s way. But my ex shifted to come at me from a different angle.

Anne: Yeah, isn’t that interesting? Cause of their exploitative character. They’re not happy when they can’t exploit you anymore. Cool thing is though, after Living Free, you can identify the traps.

Janet: Absolutely, and staying kind to ourselves as we trip and fall and get stuck in another trap and use it as a learning experience. I learned each time, and keep going. And keep going and keep going. That’s the gift. You’re right where you need to do what you need to do.

Strategies For Peace And Resilience: Finding Liberation

Anne: The reason I laughed is because it’s a journey to find out how to leave a toxic relationship when you have kids. You know, there were times where I wasn’t sure. And then looking back, it was clear that the strategies led me exactly where I needed to be.

The cool thing about the Living Free Workshop is that it just teaches strategies. But it doesn’t dictate what you need to do. So for example, it doesn’t push you toward divorce or push you toward remaining married. They’re just safety strategies that women can apply in any situation.

Janet: Anne, thank you for having me on and talking about this. I love the map and just walking through the deliverance process like you did. The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop is so beneficial for any woman on any stage. If she is still overwhelmed in the fog of abuse, Living Free has made it so simple. It makes it easy, and I wish I had it at the beginning of my marriage.

Anne: Yeah, don’t we all? Again, these strategies work in any stage. Our coaches can help you implement the strategies and apply them. Thank you so much, Janet, for talking with me today.

Janet: Thank you so much, Anne. Have a good night.