How to Welcome Your Future Son- or Daughter-in Law into the Family (and truly mean it)

Yes, you melted down and you cried at the wedding when Gabby was getting married. But you tried to

make it clear that you loved Christian too. You weren't just crying because you were losing Gabby.

And maybe in that moment, everybody was like, Oh, poor Christian. But we've joked about that.

We've laughed about that. And you've gone before that enough that Christian knows. And if he doesn't

know, he has an open space to come to you and say, Hey, and if he isn't intimidated to come to

you, we've created environments where we're like, Hey, is that a problem?

Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Family Business with the Elses.

Alessies. Wow. I wanted to keep my voice. I want to come out energetic. Not being myself

caused me to miss me. Look at you. Look at me. Hey, thanks for joining us with this episode. It's

Stephen Mary. We're in the podcast booth. We're trying to talk about things that are relevant to

family and business life. That's right. We've said it early on that. Listen, if you don't take care

your family, right? The family business, helping you do that because if not, then your family

will be everybody's business, right? People just talking all about you. So what are we doing?

Well, we're very fortunate in that we're evidently touching a nerve with people because we're

coming up on 250 episodes of our podcast. That's pretty cool. Going back a few years now. So

this is really a sweet spot. We enjoy this. We really do just being able to get in here and chat.

And we're getting close to one million views on YouTube. Amazing. That's fun. That's exciting.

So let's keep getting the word out there and hopefully what we have to share. Even today

is going to be an encouragement to you and to somebody that you know. So Mary,

yeah, hold on a second. Yep. I think one way we're getting more views is because we just talked

about things like makeup sex. What? We just talked about things like makeup sex. Yes, we did.

We just talked about it. So go back and listen to those previous podcasts. We talk about just

about everything in this podcast. So go back and listen to episodes. Maybe you've missed about

family and marriage and relationships and difficulties and conflict and how we overcome and how do

we how do we approach change? Yeah, AP, you're here. Do we get more views when we talk about family

or when we start talking about politics and all the controversies out there?

Family family. Isn't that crazy? There you go. Families everybody's business. Yeah, it really is.

We have a good one today. Yeah, we do. Well, it's really good. Well, I'm going to let you go ahead and

give kind of serve the ball for this one. Okay. Well, we're going to discuss today if your

the choices of partner that your kids choose, which could potentially be your in-law kids,

are they good investments? How to help your kid pick the right partner? What to do if you don't

like the partner that your kid is with? Maybe they're dating and they're not they look serious,

but you're not feeling this person. And once they are married, how do you incorporate them into

not only your life, but into your heart? And how do you see them? Are they another child of yours?

Are they yours? Or are they your son's wife or your daughter's husband? And we've had a we've had a

lot of education on this recently recently recently recently I just made up a word recently

because in the last five years since COVID, all four of our kids have gotten married. The first two

got married right after COVID in 2021 within four months of each other gave us a little bit of a

break with weddings but had three kids in between three grandkids and another one on the way.

Now the last two are getting married within four to six months of each other. So we've adopted

in-law kids in a really real special way. So let me start my comments off this way. Okay. I hated

my kids going through the dating period. Yeah, I agree. It was tough. Not only because of the

emotional mess that sometimes the girls and our son, our son would be in. Yeah. You know,

that was one aspect but that's cool because that training that goes through a broken heart

or trying to help them communicate with somebody or dealing with the peer pressure. Thank you so

very much. More coffee. That is one aspect of it and that's a great life lesson but the part of

the dating scene that I hated for my kids was falling for one of their people. Yeah.

That starting a relationship like, you know, I can remember one of my daughters coming in the room

is saying, you're not, you know, given enough attention to so and so that I brought over and it was

like, why do you want me to give them attention? Yeah. Because if I give them too much attention,

I'm going to start liking them. Yeah. If I start liking them and then all of a sudden you guys break

up, my heart's broken. I know. And so what do I got to keep doing? Starting and stopping,

starting and stopping, starting and stopping. Which is why we hate dating. That's why one of the

reasons why I hated it was because I would fall for the person that they were dating because my

thought is marriage. I know. You can't help it. I'm thinking long term. That's how I that's how I

process. Right. So if it's long term, everything I'm doing right now from sitting here at McDonald's

having a burger with a Moroccan into the living room when they're there is like setting the ground

work for what the future is going to be. So I hated that part of dating with the kids. I know. I

did too. And I'm glad they didn't date too much. They dated just enough. But at the same time,

we got a taste of what that's like. And I know there's a lot of parents out there that don't like

the person that their kid might be with. They're dating someone that they don't like. And how do you

handle that moment when your daughter is bringing someone home and you do not like them in the long

run for your spouse or your son brings for your son or for your daughter or if your son brings

home someone a girl and you think to yourself, she is not a life partner. What should be the litmus

test for somebody that's going to be appropriate for either a long term dating relationship or marriage?

Hmm. Short answer. You know when they're not right. Like you just know why? Because they're not,

they don't necessarily bring the best out in your kid. That's it right there. Whereas the

right person brings the best out in your kid. You and I made judgments and as a man,

that's how I did especially for the three daughters. The girls that they are when they're with the

guy is what makes me shows me what kind of quality the guy is. Right. It's very true. Your

your kids will respond to good people and they'll respond to not good people. So we are very

sensitive. Our DNA is connected to our kids. So when they're attracting someone or they're

bringing someone into our world, plus we've created a culture and a family environment where we've

done our best to safeguard us as a family unit from someone who isn't like us. And I don't mean

that in a weird cultish. You got to be like us or what I don't mean it that way. I think it's just

the spirit of our family. We're not insecure people. We are conscientious. We're considerate. We

open our home. People come in. We're very mindful of how we've taught our kids when you go to people's

houses. This is how you behave. This is how you act. So with they bring someone which

thankfully not one of our kids ever did. But if they had brought someone home that did not

operate in those same family values, just the little things that would have been really difficult

for you and I to have have. Well, you said something there if they bring them home.

Right. Hey, if your kid is already connected with somebody that doesn't want to be in your home,

they never want to go to your house. That's right. They don't want to watch the ball the game

at your house or they don't want to come sit home and watch a show on television or something.

Now, right right there, you're going to have this red flag like, wait, I mean, that's not necessarily

bringing out the best in my kid. No, it's not. They're pulling you away from. And it's, you know,

it's so important as parents to teach your young adult son or daughter that you may feel like

you have fallen in love with someone. But if the whole family doesn't feel excited about this

for you and your family's fair, right? Your family's not toxic and not talking about that,

but your family's fair, but they're just not feeling this person. Be mature enough and wise

enough and responsible enough and love your family enough to listen to them and to go slow with

that relationship that your son or daughter. Yeah. I think that we, it's all about how do we

respond? If we back up and we raise our kids with this mindset of, we're not trying to control who

you marry, but let's just put some expectations in place as a family because you do marry the whole

family, whether you like it or not. And we see this every single day in our profession. We see it.

Yeah. If his mother is, excuse me, I'm not trying to cast persuasions, but if his mother is a

wacko, and you can see that he can't deal with her, you won't be able to either. And you get to

choose whether or not that's a healthy environment for your whole life, your whole life. So if you're

seeing things on the dating side as a parent that you're concerned about, I think it's okay and

it's important to lovingly sit your son or daughter down and give those, give that input. Listen,

I just want you to think you're doing an adult situation here. This relationship is adulting.

I want you to look at it. Look at all of it. Look at the landscape of all of this.

Teenagers go into a job opportunity, McDonald's, whatever, restaurant, car wash, whatever.

And they are told in advance, this is what the job requirements are. If you can meet those

requirements, then apply. The parent needs to be sitting down way before the kid ever starts

dating and laying out what requirements look like to be a part of the family. That's it.

And so they know that they have to be respectful. They have to be kind. They have to be

Christian. They have to be, you know, pursuing an education. These are requirements that, all right,

if you want to be a part of, you know, work here, you've got to be able to meet these requirements.

Marriage description. All right. There you go. That's it. That's it.

Relationship description, marriage description. Be thinking. Yeah.

Before the kid ever gets to the place where they want to bring somebody home. So the kid knows

your daughter, son-in-law, son knows. This is what the requirements are for you to even start

liking somebody. And what's good about that is you give them a goal. You set them up for success

really, really. So they're able to look at somebody. And maybe it's their star on the basketball

team or they're a good looking person, just because they're a cheerleader or something. Doesn't

mean that that should be what pulls you in. You may find them attractive, but to like them,

just to want to have a relationship with them, there should be these requirements that are set

up in place. So once you look and say, all right, they meet the requirements for this particular

job that they can fit in. Now all of a sudden is the application process. You're going to bring the

kid home with mom and dad. And mom and dad are looking for things that this person's doing.

Mom and dad's got a lot more wisdom. They know human nature. They see how habits produce kind

of a lifestyle and choices produce either regret or turns around and gives them success. Mom and

dad's of wise enough to do that. So now they're home. They're in the interview stage. They're looking

at the application. And now it's going to decide together as a family. Does this person

are they required or are they allowed? Do they qualify to be part of what we do relationally?

Because you don't want to put your kids through too many heart breaks.

No. Well, which is why I think holding off on the dating thing is very important. Don't just

let your kid at 16 day day day. It's ridiculous. I'm just going to say that. That is ridiculous.

That does not build their confidence. It erodes their confidence because then they get confused.

I am grateful I didn't have any relationships before you. I have no judgment if you're 18, 19 and

you have a boyfriend in your life and that doesn't work out. Absolutely. There are benefits

to dating too. So it's not one way or the other. But I one thing that has been a key ingredient

in our parenting is we over tell. We over share. We set the expectation. The job description is

very highly described. We have had those conversations with our kids so much to the point where

they're like, okay, we get it. They would never say that. But all right. We get it. Mom and

dad, please. Fine. We're not even there yet. Yes, but you will date. You will be there one day.

And we're preparing you. Now our kids will come in all the time randomly. Oh my gosh, dad. Mom,

I am so grateful. You told me you said it. Wow, I am so thankful. Like they won the lotto

because they had parents that prepared them for a moment that was high conflict. And they were

able to look at this other person and go not for me or even better this person's for me because

they think the same way. They're like us. Parents need to prepare their young adults not when they're

young adults. Start preparing them when they're teenagers for what the expectation is. And you can

do that with love. That is not controlling. I get so tired of wisdom being put in the category

of control. It's wisdom. It's setting your kids up for success so that they can avoid the pitfalls.

We say this too all the time. Our ceiling should be their floor. Yeah. Why wouldn't you want to set

your kids up? Yeah. That's ridiculous. In good, healthy relationships too. Well, you're if you're

going to be a good father that expects us your daughter to choose a certain kind of young man,

then be that person. Absolutely. Be what you want them to be attracted to. So you

I was always very not super over the top huggy and kissy and loving. But my daughters know that,

you know, I'm going to love on them. I'm going to hug them and I'm going to smell them. And if

they smell good, I'm going to let them know that's I like that cologne or they look pretty. I'm

going to say something to them and even to this day because that's for one, I appreciate that.

And I want some guy to help be able to emphasize those things in her. I hear some guys are so

crazy. They're like, nobody's going to be good enough to date my daughter. Well, dude, you're not

setting the bar too high. You better you better start acting like that guy that's not going to be

good enough for your daughter. That's true. You better start being that first and not just allow

your ego. Yes. Shoot off at the mouth. Well, mouth like nobody's going to be good. Right.

You're not going to like the person they bring home because you're going to look like you.

Just like you. Right. And if you're not loving, caring, embracing,

lifting that's it. Model it. They're they're going to pull somebody in that's just like you and

it's not going to be the person you're going to be happy with for them. All right. So here,

here, let's move on from that dating part. Now that they're young adults and they're coming in

the picture. I got a text from a father whose daughter just recently got engaged.

And I guess because he saw how I melted down at Gabby's wedding. I lost it. Oh, that was horrible

because Gabby's a lovey-dovey daughter and she was she was a tough one to let leave the house

because she has great conversation skills and I love the way she just handles things with me.

She's phenomenal. So that was tough. So he saw how I had to melt down and he's like, all right,

so he texted me. I understand it now. If his voice, if his text had a voice, it was, I understand

it now. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this. Can you can you help me?

There something happens now when the guy or the girl moves from that dating stage to

now I really want to get serious. This is this is a future. Right. I might want to marry this person.

Yeah. Yeah. How in the world do you handle that as an adult parent? You know, there that has been

for you and me the scariest and then the best part of our parenting. It's very scary. It's a step

of faith for sure. You have to go back and say about your parenting. Did we set up and equip our

kids to choose healthy spouses? Did we do our part? And I think that has been really a key indicator

to see our son choose such a wonderful young woman that we love and we tease our kids that we

like their spouses more than we like them. And of course we love our kids. But we've also because

children we believe have chosen very well. We love them too. Now they're not perfect. They're

not perfect. They're kids. They're young people. But we love them. And at some point if they don't

have to check every box because they're still in process and you know they got to marry your

kid. You know your kid. You know how your son or daughter could be. We don't just give all the

grace to our kids. I'm not just standing in solidarity anymore with my children. My in-laws are

my children too. Yeah. And that's one thing I've told the girls. He's our son too. So you be

mindful and respectful of him because he's our son. Just like we would expect our daughter in

law to be respectful to our son. We expect our daughters to be respectful to our son-in-laws.

That blows their minds when we say things like that because they don't expect. Are you

texting someone? I am. Go. I'm walking. You are a man. You can't text. I need something.

Just keep going. Come on. Are you getting me something? Did you order me some coffee?

I want a cappuccino. Would you please send some sugars? You don't have to look at me.

I have to look at you. We're in a podcast. We're having a conversation. Who am I going to look at?

Alan, let me just share with you what I think. No. How long is this text?

You're interrupting me. Please get back on track. Go ahead. I got my go.

Can I? No, I don't know what I said. Oh, okay. I got it. No. So like we have to tell,

we let our kids know. Yeah. And we don't feel it before we do it. We do it because it's right.

And then the feelings and the affections for our in-law kids do catch up with that because we

always want the in-laws to know we are just as much for you as we are for our kids. Yeah. You are

in it now. Our devotion and our loyalty is with you just as much as it is with them. Yeah.

And I think the mistake that parents can make is we protect our own and you're still an outsider

and you've got to prove yourself. Yeah. Whereas you can do that and with time they may prove

themselves and you let your guard down or you could say from the beginning, okay, you married

this person. They're a part of the family now. Yeah. And we're going to embrace them as a son or

daughter. Um, I, I for some reason, I can't tell you exactly why. I, I connect with the son-in-laws.

Yes, you do. And Chris, my son, of course, when it comes to the marriage thing, I'm just as open

with the son-in-laws as I am with my daughters. Meaning I'm, I'm going to go to defend my son-in-laws.

I'm going to help. Of course, I'm going to help my son-in-law be a good husband.

I'm going to address things and talk to them and coach them along even though they may have had

a father raise them up. I don't, I don't know. Yes. What kind of example that was in the home.

But I don't look at them as like an adversary like an intrusion. Yeah. Now that they're in the

family, it's like, Hey, what's going on? Yeah. Are you fighting? You know, what are you,

what are you talking about? How she treating you? How are you treating her?

Mostly how she treating you? What's going on? Are you guys doing okay? And do you need my help

with something? I'll make that little comment, you know, just elbow them a little bit just to kind

of let them know guy. I'm on your side. And it has never offended our daughters. No. That you

say to them, I'm taking his side. They love it. Yeah. Because they know, they know that you are

with them because they're your daughters. Yeah. But what it gives them, the confidence it gives them

that dad loves my husband as much as he loves me is that it gives him so much confidence and

peace. You said he takes his side. I don't take anybody's side. No. You know, I try. Yeah, but no,

I don't go sit there and go with them against my daughters. No. What I tried to do is go with both

of them. That's right. And be able to then bring without my ego getting involved. Yeah. Because

if I feel like my daughter's hurting or my son's hurting over some, it's natural for me to want to

take my kids side of it. But at the same time, I can't take my kids side of it so that she wins and

he loses. Right. I can't do that for my daughter. She wins and my son-in-law loses. Because then my

daughter-in-law is ultimately going to lose. Her husband's got to win with her. Yes. That's

really good. So she can win. That's really good. So I'm processing all of this stuff. And I

think of Solange, who's in our podcast booth over here. She's helping us out. And I look at her and

her husband, Alex. And they met here in the church. And I think it's just so beautiful. And they

have that precious little girl, Grace, you know. And working with her father, Enrique.

There's something about him that raised two wonderful daughters. And we have, of course, Kevin and

Melanie, who also have a precious little baby. Melanie, Solange. I don't know how Enrique did it.

They're daddy, but he's strong. And I like he's a hard worker. He gets his head down.

When he comes along, works with us. He does things at such a great level. And I see the example he

is. I see the kind of man he is. And that tells me right away why he has strong daughters. That's

right. That young men both married here in the church and they're involved with us and so forth.

I love that. It goes back. Yes, the mama's strong. And she's beautiful, sweet, wonderful smile on

her face. But there's something about a strong man. Oh, honey. That is a hard worker puts his head down

that allows her daughter then to attract to her. Yes. Be attracted to a young man that is also

that stable, solid guy. So so much of this dad's is on you. It's true. And I know maybe some are

listening here and they're not married. And the mom's raising the kid on their own. It's harder.

No doubt about it. But lean into some strong men that we have in this place at Metro because that

helps with the boyfriend that comes along and eventually wants to be the fiance.

I do look at my son-in-laws as now my family. So knowing our our type of work that we do

all the newbies coming into the family have to be brought up to speed to how we do our lives.

Because it's not just you're marrying just my daughter. You said it earlier. You're marrying the

family. And this family just happens to be leading a ministry, a church. It's like that's our

business. So now your life is out there for everybody to see. And because you came to us,

you pursued our daughters and the son and the spouse here in our church, your life is going to be

this church. Yeah. There's no getting around that. You can't all of a sudden say, well, you know,

Pastor Steve, I don't want to be a part of this anymore. Yeah. And pull the kid up. Pull our

child out of here. It's like, no, this is what you signed up for. Right. Now you've got to be a

contributing member of it. And because you have to do it, I want to help them enjoy it as much as

possible. Sure. Because it's the greatest profession that I've chosen. You've chosen. Right.

It's brought tremendous blessings to our lives. This is fun. Let me help my in-laws also enjoy this.

That's on me. And if you've had a relationship with a mother-in-law for years,

like my mother tells the story of her mother-in-law, who was my grandmother, who I thought hung the

moon. I had no idea that my mom and her struggled to get along. And my mother to this day will say,

she never really loved me and accepted me. Even though I was everything she wanted for her son,

musical, young, talented, would travel the world with my father and do all the things my father

wanted to do, she was still very jealous of my mother. And what I have appreciated, what I've

taken from that is if you don't have a good relationship with a mother-in-law, then you be now,

you be that, you be that. My grandmother's off today. You can be that to your future-in-law, kids.

Be a healthy grandmother. Be a mother-in-law that's not jealous of your son-in-law or the daughter-in-law

that comes in. Because that is a chronic problem today, where there are mothers who are so jealous

of their daughter-in-laws. There's a situation the last few years of a lady that I know who

has sons. And she was sharing with me that she just has battles with all her. You're talking about

Enrique and how wonderful whatever he did. He did so well with his daughters. They've married young,

young, great young, many as a relationship with. But that can also happen on the flip side of that,

where you have sons and they marry young women. And they don't get along with the son's mother.

At all, the daughter-in-laws and the mother-in-law, the mother just, it's hell. They can't get along.

Well, that's disastrous. And I just feel like it always goes back to the elder.

The elder is responsible to fix that. If you're younger and you've not been down this road,

you don't know how. You've not been down this road. It will always be part of the elder ship.

That because I'm older, I know better. I've had a mother-in-law and it was good or bad. So I know

what my role has to be to bring peace to this relationship. And it can't be my ego. It can't be my

insecurities. I'm losing my sons or I'm losing my daughters. You've got to destroy that because

you're gaining so much more. Here's the season that's to come. You're a grandchildren.

And you do not want to be in a battle with an in-law that will hold it against you and not let

you see your grandkids because you've got so much conflict and you're jealous and you're not

willing to work that out. That is so, so sad. That's horrible. They are an investment. I look at my

son-in-law's and daughter-in-law as an investment. Everything I do now is going to pay some kind of

reward down the road, which was why a couple of weeks ago, we had our first alessie family

ministry retreat. So I've heard of different businessmen doing this that have pretty successful

companies and they want to be able to prepare their kids if they want to be a part of the business.

What this looks like. So I've seen that in the business aspect. I've also seen some guys do it

for ministry. So I went in and I created all my whole manual things that we were personally

going to be dealing with because I wanted the others to be a part of it. Not just my own kids,

though, that's important to create vision for the future because we are in one day the transition

will occur from my son, from me to my son. So that's coming in the future. So all of that's important.

So I put it together and I asked all the kids, send me what is your greatest challenge

and ask the in-laws to do the same thing. Michelle was just so precious. She just wants to know

how to support her husband, which is such a great role as a woman that comes alongside. She wants

to support the sudden laws, however, have some different challenges because they're used to

calling the shots in their home. They're the head of their home. How do they fit in? How do they

juggle the late-night demands with their own family? They're here at church so many nights

a week, so many days a week, so many hours with you and I. But how do they fit in time with

their own family? And when that happens, it'd be just as impactful days off when they're being asked

to put in so much overtime because of the evenings. When is it a day off? When is it a

comp day? When is it a family day where leaving like vacations? When we go away, when we're not in

the office as a family, is that a vacation? Because I'm saying to them, I want you all up at the farm

or I want you over and steward because we are working on something, is that a vacation when they're

at the office? These guys needed to know just some issues, some clarity. What is my role?

Where am I fitting in? Is this just going to be Christopher's deal in the future, your son,

or do I have a role to play in this? What will be my role? I have gifts and talents. How will I

fit in and not just with Chris, but my wife is strong. She carries platform responsibilities.

And I have a gift too. Will my gift fit in with hers or will it always be one step behind?

Will she be the lead on the lead of my home? But what about when I come to the church, not just to her,

to church where we go to worship together, but the church where she's in

ploy and she's on the platform? Will I have to always be a second or will I be an equal?

There is a lot that as a family, we, especially the men in the family, I know they're going to

struggle with and I want to try to be as transparent as possible with them. As I did when we first

started talking about them being actually dating my daughter, I had this conversation with them all,

but one conversation doesn't make it. You've got to have information, you've got to have follow-up,

you've got to be intentional. So I wanted to have this meeting because what they thought they got

into, they couldn't see everything and there was no way to get them up to speed. Meanwhile,

they're dating the daughter and they're getting ready for engagement and then getting ready for

a wedding and they should be able to enjoy this first year of their wedding at least without the

pressures of work. So why bombard them with all these things on the front end? We had the

conversation, but it can't be a one in done. Repetition is important. So that's why we had that

family business retreat and you tell me because you were in the room. What were you feeling that

first day in the room? So I was a little nervous as to the relationship with the in-laws,

especially the sons being more recent as to, did they want, did they really want to open up

and be transparent about their feelings? Did they feel safe enough with us? Did they feel that

were they feeling under pressure to share? Did they feel kind of forced to be in this

environment? Was that something that was going on in their mind? Was it a pressurized thing?

Were they frustrated at all because they're looking at their wives, our daughters going,

you know, your dad's asking this of me, but I have plans too and I have ideas too. And that

independent spirit, which is important, we want them to have versus the family mindset and how would

they respond? And I was I wasn't really nervous about it because I know that these guys love God

and they love our daughters and they love our family. But you know, you I always leave room for

how I might be thinking if I was in their shoes. So I was really processing it more from that

perspective, but I was blown away with the reality that we all want leadership and young men crave

clear, direct, leadership, and expectation setting. And that's what that conference did. We

call it a conference, but it was a retreat for our family. It set their expectation. Nothing

more, nothing less. Yeah. And I think what it did for all of us in that room in that moment,

this sense of, well, we really are all in this together. Equal sacrifice, equal deposit,

equal withdrawal. And we're all seen, we're all heard, wherever we are in this journey, we've got

grace given to us from our boss father-in-law pastor, which is a difficult role to carry all three

and the grandparents to our children. Yeah. And I think what you did by setting the example

was it helped us leapfrog, leapfrog over real potential landmines,

relationally that we could have had with our kids and our in-law kids because you went in clearly

right before the battles ever fought. We're going to win this battle. We're going to have battles

because we're people. We all have expectations. God's calling us in different ways to different

things. But right now, all of us are called to this as a family. And right now, what we're

going to do is make clear lines and let you guys know what our expectation is, what it isn't,

take the pressure off and be everything to you that maybe we didn't have. That would have gotten

us so much farther. And that gave me such a sense of, I love this moment so much because you put

this incredible booklet together. It took you weeks and it was just so beautiful what you rolled

out for the family. It just shows you the spirit of leadership that men can step into. What an

example you set for your sons-in-law and your son for them to be able to say, that's what I want.

I'm going to lead like that. I want to lead my family like that. If this is what you get,

guess what? I can avoid the pitfalls of anxiety and fear about my future. How's this going to go?

How's my marriage going to go? Are my kids going to pick the right? Are my kids going to rebel?

Hold on. We just live through an experience that set the stage for us. No, we can live and raise

our kids and be married to our spouses with a security that we are doing it right and we're

going to make it and the storms may come, but we are not going to get tossed around and destroyed

in this storm. There won't be collateral damage. You can actually live your life with that knowing,

but it does have to back up and it starts with you. How do you want to lead your life? How do you

want to lead your family? How do you want to love your in-law kids? You really do have total autonomy

in that regard, but you've got to take that personal responsibility. I go back to that was

eldership on display and God honors that. That's the investment that we got to make. That's the

investment. It's thinking, what can I do today that's going to help them tomorrow? None of these

guys have to follow our daughters. No, absolutely not. In industry like us. They really don't. No,

they don't. They're strong and the whole belief and cleave thing. You know, Mary, they can. They can.

They can. And what's our daughter's response to follow their husbands? Follow their husbands.

So we're not naive to that. We're not blind to it. Yes, you made a promise to me when you

wanted to date my daughter. You met her here in the church and you knew that this was going to be

your future, but you know, guys can change their minds. And if they do, then that's something they'll

have to continue with. But the fact that they would be willing, that we could be willing to put

ourselves in a position to just be honest, because when I got their responses email-wise and I looked

at them, my heart, you know, touched my heart. Yeah. Touch my heart that they could be as transparent

as they were without feeling like they were the repercussions, without feeling like they were weak

to share what they shared. And I wanted everybody in the family to know what they said. I know.

So I actually put in the documents everybody's email, including our own kids.

The emails they sent to me. I wanted each other to be aware of it, because I wanted them to see

the struggles that I wanted Kristen, though, what his brother-in-law's would be struggling with.

And the girls who know what Michelle would be struggling with. That's right.

And each other would be dealing with. And what was cool about that was all of them pretty much

were dealing with the same thing. That's right. And that was sweet that they could see. Man,

I'm not the only one having this struggle. Now, as they go forward, you and I, as time goes on,

we won't have the influence 10, 15 years from now as they're all making huge decisions and

talking about business and handling the ministry. They can start the dialogue now to help each

other with some of their issues today that they're dealing with. And hopefully that, again,

the investment is going to pan out later some of their dealing with bigger issues like buildings

and budgets and programming on a much larger scale. They'll be able to have the same kind of

conversation and dialogue that they know, all right, that's something you're struggling with.

I got it, man. I'm struggling with it, too. How do we resolve it? So I do, that's just my brain.

I do look at the long-term investment of pretty much everything I do, because I feel principles

are my deal, boring at time, no doubt about it, because it's principles. But I know they pay off

in the future. I wish dads would see that. I wish men could see that, moms, as their kids start

today. What's the person they're allowing into their world now? And if they're going to be the ones

that the family all agrees on, this is a good mix for our family, then how do we all come together

to make sure tomorrow and next year and next month, so on? All of that stuff's being,

it's going to be a blessing for us in the future. It is an investment. Take the time. It's not

just your daughter's boyfriend or your son's girlfriend. It's not just their spouse. They're

going to be your grandkids, so that's your daughter that's just married into the family. That's

your son that's just married into the family. And be okay with stepping into their world and

saying, can I help you with things? I want to be here. I want to be a part of this. You're mine now.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you did that. And I had to overcome a lot of mind monsters.

Absolutely. Because I was as young men coming into the family. Three of them.

Sure. I knew they had their own dads, their own experiences. But now you're with me. Here's

what I can bring. Well, here's the word we haven't used. They have their own agenda.

The young men come into our lives. They want our girls. Let's just be honest. They want our,

they want our daughters. You're mine now. Is your dad and your mom? Are they more influential in

you in your ear than me? Those are things that are real. I don't care who you are. I don't care

how far ahead you get. And you have your own family retreat. Those are real issues that's real

world stuff. They come into your world. They want to marry your daughters. The daughter comes in.

She wants to marry your son. And it is a natural response to say, we are our own thing now.

And that is healthy. There is a balance to that. So as parents, we do have to learn to pivot.

We do have to learn how to put our, our foot on the brake and the gas pedal at the same time.

And understand our role is not to stay in a place of ownership. Yes, you melted down and you

cried at the wedding when Gabby was getting married. But you tried to make it clear that you loved

Christian too. You weren't just crying because you were losing Gabby. And maybe in that moment,

everybody was like, oh poor Christian, but we've joked about that. We've laughed about that.

And you've gone before that enough that Christian knows. And if he doesn't know, he has an open

space to come to you and say, hey, and if he isn't intimidated to come to you,

we've created environments where we're like, hey, is that a problem? Did that bother you?

Hey, you know, let me clear anything up that you might think would intimidate you in this

relationship that maybe my voice is stronger in Gabby's ear. But let's just be honest, it is right

now. It is because I'm or dad. And you just got here. And we can have these conversations.

And they get it. And they understand it. And we talk to them like we would talk to our own

kids. Is that always easy? Absolutely not. But does it work? Yes. Because we're the elder. We're

the older. It is our responsibility to take that role. And why not take that role? It's not

controlling. It's direction. Hey, babe, we can carry this over into finances too.

Absolutely. Are you kidding? If if we've got financial resources sitting there and

my son-in-law wants to provide a nice house from my daughter and I can assist in any way possible,

I'm going to do whatever I can. Absolutely. To help. If I'm willing to do that with finances,

why would not be willing to do that with any other realm of counsel that's needed along the way?

And fill in the gap. I'm good for that. That's great. What a blessing.

What a blessing. You know, it's one thing to have a nice, the future is going to be taken care of

with our retirement program that's been set up and the church is always going to have us

taken care of and blessing us. If I have resources, I'm going to invest it into my son-in-laws

who are providing a beautiful life for my daughters. I'm not having the mindset that that's

just your life now and everything's on you. Not if I wanted to live in South Florida and work

alongside of us. I'm going to step up and say, hey, how can I help? Any way possible.

This is what I can do. So let me do it. It's an investment into the future because when

we see these old grandkids running around and they want to come to me and Papa's house

to hang out. It's the best. It's a great return on that investment and to have son-in-laws

that are okay with hanging out on the patio with us all day long while the grandkids are running

around wanting to be there, not forced to be there. That to me is a good return on the investment.

Absolutely. They're my own now. That's right. They're not really in laws. They're my sons.

That's right. And I'm grateful for that. She's my daughter on top of my actual blood kids.

That's why when Daniel and Lauren were preparing for their wedding and they had gone together to get

his suit and she came back in the house and she goes, dad, he tried on some suits. Nothing fits.

He's six four and you said, okay, well, keep trying and then you walked away and you came

in the room and you said, what am I doing? What am I doing? He's my son now. His father passed away

when he was 10. I'm hit. I'm taken. I've got to go take him and you stepped in. It hadn't occurred

to either one of us or even to Lauren. She didn't say, dad, will you help me with Daniel? Daniel

certainly didn't ask. He would never have asked that. It didn't occur to anyone. And you said,

that's it. And not only did you take him, but you made all of us go and we went downtown and

invited a couple of your buddies and we made a memory. Daniel's mom came. She cried through that

whole thing and we tried on suits. Daniel tried on suits. And honestly, that moment, he'll never

forget. And we will never forget because it let him know, okay, he's my dad too and he's on my side

just as much as he's on Lauren side. He loves me. That was, that marked all of us in a way as a

family that we just saw such a beautiful display of love and investment. You are a good investment.

You're worthy of these dollars. You're worthy of taking my daughter into your life. You are a good

investment. We believe in you. You are awesome. You're our son. Come on. Well, I had that time with

Chris. We saw helped him when you had that time with his own father. Christian had this time with

his father. Yeah. I'm sitting there looking at Daniel. He doesn't have a father. That's my role.

That's right. And you stepped up and you did your great dad. I know. And we got to go out in this

podcast crying. They're worth it. They're worth it. We should look at them that way.

They may not be perfect. They're not like us. We didn't raise them. But love them like you did.

We could adopt them. Love them like you did. That whole outlaw thing. It's a cool joke, but it's a

cool. It's cruel. It's cruel to try to create that vibe in the old man. Come on. They're going to take

care of our kids for the rest of our kids' lives. That's right. They're going to be in their world when

I'm not. Yeah. So they better treat them right. All right. I love it.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Why those tears, babe? There you go. We went long on this. This was a good one.

So very cool. Well, hopefully you have learned something and enjoyed something since you chose this

subject matter marry. My son and law did. Yeah. Pretty good. They're great. Well, hopefully you enjoyed

it. Thanks for sitting in with us in the podcast. But take care.

Thanks so much for joining the family business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to

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