I Couldn’t Stop Drinking Once I Started… I Blacked Out Every Time

What was the craziest thing that happened to you as a bartender, or at least when you witnessed?

I mean, one time I had like this guy try to grab all my tools and like hit me with the

bar spoon. He was like a college kid. This was when I worked in New York and I was just like,

no, and I like grabbed it. And then actually the same place I worked at, I think we just got those

types of people. Somebody tried to reach like this guy tried to reach over the bar and like

grab, like kind of put his arm on my shoulder. And I was like, you don't need to touch me for me

to take your drink order. And then you got very upset by that. And he started getting like mad at me.

And then I had to like get security. And I was like, we could have avoided this. You didn't need to

like reach over the bar and grab me. And that's one of the reasons I liked bartending is like,

there's a physical, there's a, there's a space between us. There's a barrier, you know.

Touching someone is crossing the line, especially a bartender. Yeah, you don't touch a bartender.

I mean, listen, if you're walking and you're, let's say you're interested in someone or you're

trying to get someone's attention and like you're walking up to me, like this actually could be

borderline inappropriate. But like if you just, hey, that's okay. But like a bartender. No,

you don't touch a bartender unless you know them. I mean, yes, if you know them,

that's different. But like reaching over the bar and like putting your arm on them. And I was just

like, and then yeah, the proximity. I'm like, no, close. You're like in my space. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I want to thank you, Jessica, for coming on. Thank you. Congratulations on two years

of sobriety. I know two years. When was your anniversary? Um, a New Year's day actually. New

years day. Yeah. So New Year's day. 2024. So 23 going into 24. You must have had an insane

New Year's Eve. I did it. That's the thing. And that's what you'll find out is like it was kind

of like a slow bird with my sobriety. Yeah. Like 2023, I took like a bit of time off and then it was

just like obvious that I just didn't need to be drinking because like the few times I would drink,

it was like I still didn't know when to stop. Like essentially like 2023 rolled around and like

the first three months I went sober. But then I had a few bachelor at parties and weddings and things.

And like I was still finding myself the few times I was drinking. I was just like getting

blacked out. And the last time that I got really drunk, I brownically it was with my dad. He was

visiting Miami and we were seeing he's a huge soccer fan. So I went to go see or take him to see

Messi and we went to the game. And then my partner's DJ. So we went out after so I could show him

where he was DJing. And then we just kind of like went out in Brickle and like we were drinking.

And like I don't even remember us walking home. And I was like so hung over the next day. I was like

sick until like 9 p.m. And I remember being like this is it. Like I'm done. Yeah. I'm done feeling

this way. And ironically like a month later I was set to go to a retreat in Peru and take

plant medicine. And so like I took a month off before I went there. I like didn't drink caffeine.

I didn't drink alcohol. I was like had a really clean diet. And I went to Peru. And then when I got

back I went out for New Year's Eve that 2023 because my partner was DJing. And I had two glasses

of sparkling rosé and I had to teach yoga the next morning. And I woke up feeling like garbage just

from like two glasses. And I was like you know what? Like this is it. Like I'm done with this.

And so the him and I decided 2024. Let's let's go sober together for the year. And then 2025

rolled around and I was like why would I drink at this point? Like I feel so good. And this is

obviously like years of unraveling my issues with alcohol before I finally got to this point.

Yeah. Of like healing fed up. So with alcoholism amongst my guests. They're people think that an

alcoholic is someone who drinks every day all day around the clock. I've had many guests who were

like, well, no, I took a week off. And then I drink on a Saturday night, a week after every time

I started with one drink, I could not stop for the entire night until I blacked out. That is a

problem. Yes. You know, people would think, well, no, you stopped for that week. Yeah. No alcoholism.

You don't have a control with it. Yes. Once you start, you can't stop. So for you,

the three months in the beginning of 2023, I think you said you stopped drinking. Did you do a

program or anything or know? Was it just I'm going to stop and with your partner?

Oh, he was still drinking at that time actually in 2023. No, it was, oh, actually, I have a story

of kind of what I think preemptively made me decide to do 2023. That December of 2022,

I had went to a concert with a friend in Fort Lauderdale and it was like we started drinking

really early in the day and I got so intoxicated I like fell asleep on the beach and my partner was

home that day because he wasn't going to the concert with me and I ended up like

waking up being like kind of confused because like I couldn't find my friend and like I think she

disappeared at some point too. And then I took an Uber home. I got home. I was like covered in sand

and literally just came and passed out on the couch. And I remember him being like really concerned

and he was like you should not get like I'm not there. Like if something happened to you

and I was just like that was a little bit of a wake-up call. And then also I was like how did I get

that intoxicated? I thought I didn't even drink that much. I don't even think I ate that much

that day. And I'm like falling asleep on the beach at a concert. Yeah, I think this is like

it's time to take a little break from alcohol. And so then 2023 rolled around. I'm like let me

take off like the first three months and like see how it goes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I will and you can

put your leg up there if you want. I saw you creeping it up. Yeah, I don't care if you put

it across my nose. No, no, you're good. You're good. Okay, cool. So you in the two years that you

have been sober, you're you have a nice following on TikTok. Yeah. What is your TikTok, by the way?

Jessica Tanner. Jessica Tanner at T-A-N-I-R. Yeah. And it's one word. No space in there. No space in

Jessica Tanner T-A-N-I-R. Yep. And you also you started making mocktails. Yes. And let's I want

to go into so you made me a mocktail. I did. I brought one today before it melts. I know we're

enough to sit on the table. What's in here? Okay, so I actually used to make this drink a lot for

people behind the bar when they would want something but they wouldn't know exactly what they wanted

but they wanted something refreshing and it has muddled cucumber. I'm like I hope you like cucumber

because it definitely tastes like cucumber. Yeah. Mint. I actually cold brewed some lemon bomb tea

which is really great for calming the nervous system. You could you simple serpent it but I used

a little bit of agave fresh lime juice and then it actually has a mushroom non alcohol experience

in here that has lion's mane and dameana flowers which both of those the lion's mane is really great

for mental clarity focus. The dameana kind of is a mood booster. So all the things that you would

want when you're drinking an alcoholic beverage right you want something to make you feel calm

maybe boost your mood but it's not alcoholic. This is this looks amazing. Yeah. And coming from someone

who was a bartender for 10 years right. 10 years yeah. And you have you you haven't been bartending

since you got sober or I did bartend for six months. Nice. While I was which was like way more

challenging that I thought it would be. Yeah. Yeah. But the fact that you've you've brought that

craft over to sobriety now you're making mocktails. You started you said a seven day program on

how to get sober. Yeah. And in that seven day program you have a different mocktail each day.

Yeah. So that way people can get curious and find fun ways to drink because that's the one thing

that's helped me stay sober is because I bartended and I really enjoyed drinking cocktails.

When I go out to dinner when I'm hanging out with my friends or even if I do go to a bar I still

want something fun to sip on but I don't want to be drinking alcohol anymore. For sure. And like

what a time to be alive we have so many options now. Like way more than we used to. So I feel like

if you do have something fun that feels celebratory while you're drinking it feels like you're still

included in hanging out or even if you are at the bar. Yeah. Part of. Exactly. You're part of.

All right. Here we go. Cheers.

This is very good. Thank you. This is very good. And I was like shaking up a cocktail at like

as you're driving here. Eight a.m. No, but I was like eight in the morning. I'm like shaking

up a cocktail. I'm like don't always do this every day. This is very good.

The mint comes in as a kick at the end. Yeah.

Is there is there what what its lines mean? And Damiana. Okay. So it's this company called

Lions Little Saints. Okay. Make like mushroom mocktails or not I'll call it cocktails and

spirits. And I've really enjoyed their products because it's they have these properties of these

different plants that are still giving you maybe that compensation. Maybe that mood booster.

That's like adding to the drink. Yeah. It's really good. You did a very good job. Thank you.

Do I get to keep the cup? No. No, my cup. My kitchen. I'm imagining set. I know. I do. They're like

six of them. I won't take your cup. Thank you so much for bringing this on. Of course.

And treating me. No one has ever done that before. I know you said that. And I was like very

surprised. No, it's creative. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Oh, I think like it's such a big part of

you like you can still have fun things to drink. It's like so important to remember that.

Yeah. Even though you're not drinking alcohol, you're still the world is still your oyster

when it comes to non-alcoholic drinks. Did you ever think of starting your own line?

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I have and it's funny enough for my partner and I have like the perfect name for it and I'm like

maybe eventually it'll come to life. Yeah. He like already took the Instagram handle so he's like

so my confident that we'll bring it to fruition. Yeah, that's great. It's a grind. It is,

especially now because it's like so many of everyone's starting their own non-alcoholic.

But yours, so I don't get down with non-alcoholic beer. Oh really?

There's still it's like point something percent of alcohol. I mean I go to 12-step meetings,

12-step program. I don't consume any alcohol even if it's point whatever. That's a non-alcoholic

beer. These don't have any. There's nothing which is very attractive to most people who are

in drinking or in that don't want like any alcohol at all. Yep. Yep. Okay, so let's take a step

back. You were originally from Virginia. I am, yeah. What was early childhood like for you?

It was pretty traditional. I had both my parents. I have a younger sister. She's like two and a

half years younger than me. My background is a little bit eclectic. My father's Turkish. So he

was born in Turkey. He came over when he was about 16. So I had that huge culture, cultural

influence of my life like being Turkish. And then my mom is very American. How do they meet?

Oh, it's so funny. It was like a mutual friend of theirs that they're still kind of friends with

today. I think like my dad was friends with her. She was having a party and then like my mom was

there and then they met and then yeah. But your dad had already moved to the states. Yes, yeah.

Like his his family came over when he was 16 because my grandfather had gotten a job here in

the US. So he moved the family over. Got it. One of my best friends is from Turkey. His parents are

from Turkey. And then they moved when he was young. His first name is Vulcan. Vulcan.

Yes, we decided to call him Walter. Vulcan. The Vulcanator. That's funny. Awesome culture though.

It is. And I finally got to go this year for the first time. And I was just like, why did I move

to New York in my 20s? Why did I move to Istanbul? It was just like so colorful and the people are

so kind. Like even cousins, I got to finally spend time with there that I hadn't met in person.

Yeah, like the host like everyone was just so hospitable. Yeah, the hospitality. Yeah, that's

awesome. Yeah, his parents are great. His dad is awesome. I love talking with his dad. Doesn't

give a shit. Yeah, you know, very. They don't there. Like even when you're there, like everyone's

just so like chill and you're like, this is nice. And it's different in the states than it is

anywhere else. Yeah. And you're up anywhere. That's wild. Yeah. Okay. So you, you're younger

sister, pretty traditional childhood. Yes. Did you play sports or anything growing up?

I figure skated actually until I was like 12. And then like I started middle school and high

school. And then like got into I think cheering and soccer. But like figure skating was like a

huge part of my life when I was younger. And did your sister kind of fall in your footsteps?

No, she actually did dance. She was like really into tap dancing. Okay. Yeah. Now you have a

tap dancer and you have a figure skater. Yeah. Were you guys, did you guys get along? Did you guys

play well together? Did you guys fight? What was the dynamic between your sister? We got along,

but also I feel like when you have a sister sometimes, you know, you do have disagreements. We

were very close in age. So we were in the same school together. But I think overall we did

get along. But just normal. I feel like normal teenage sister stuff. Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

You have each other's back. You love one another. But there are some instances where you butt heads.

Oh, yeah. I have two brothers. I have two older brothers. And we're all two years apart.

Me and my middle brother. We were like plotting to take each other out. Yeah. We were. And then we

got older and then we got we were we're closer now. Yeah. Like really happened. Yeah. As you get

older and why is there you're like, oh, forget all the bullshit. Yeah. Let's go. Let's just live.

Life is hard enough as it is. It is. So okay. You go on. What was middle school like for you?

Middle school was a little weird. I want to say. I always like had this. And I know I've heard

you speak about some yourself of like kind of like you didn't fit in or a little bit self-conscious.

And I think middle school was a little bit hard for me. I felt like kind of like an ugly duckling.

I really didn't feel like I fit in. And so I mean, I had I'm really thankful. I had one really

good friend or like a few good friends in middle school. But one of them, her and I were like

really goofy together. And we would make these whole movies. And that was like an outlet for me

to really like tap into who I really was outside of feeling. So like an oddball. Yeah.

I feel like once all the elementary schools came together, I was really good with small groups

of people. So my elementary school, I was able to, you know, politic enough across everyone.

Yeah. And being good graces with everyone. And then middle school happened. Sixth grade was

very weird for me because it was call it eight different elementary schools that just pulled

together. And now I need, I'm trying to get to know everyone. And it's just unmanageable.

And it was a weird time for me. Seventh grade was a little weird. And then eighth, I kind of

established my identity. And then high school came. And it's the same group of people that you're

going into ninth grade with. But what was what was high school like for you? High school was fine.

I feel like I came into my own a little bit more in high school. I will say, and this is like so

important part of my story is my freshman year. I ended up dating this one guy. And he was like

really into like drinking and like smoking weed. And I started to feel pressure from like him and

hanging out with his friends to, so like, I think that's like one of the first times I really

drank and like tried maybe smoking weed for the first time. And I remember thinking like I don't

like how this makes me feel. And so him and I ended up breaking up because I just feel like we,

we want different things even in like high school. And then after that, I kind of

decided I didn't really want to drink in high school. I mean, I maybe did still a handful of times.

But I was like really against it because I just felt kind of upset that I was like pressured

into it. And I just knew it wasn't really something that it felt even at that time, something

that like aligned with me. And so I kind of went through high school and I would like still go

to parties and stuff. But I wasn't really like drinking much. I had a good group of friends.

And thankfully, like my core group of friends, like we were all very much like prioritizing

getting good grades. Like maybe we were doing a sport and being active. I was in like a lot of clubs

in school too. Yeah. I was in like five clubs. Yeah. So you were involved. Yeah, I was. And I look

alcoholism, whether it comes later in life, it doesn't matter. Yeah. It's just at that time,

you hadn't crossed that line. You weren't ready for it. Yeah. And were you skating as well

through high school? I wasn't. No. No. Okay. I quit before. Okay. No, then I started playing soccer

in high school because like a bunch of my friends played soccer. And it was very interesting going

from figure skating to playing soccer. Yeah. Like a contact sport. Yeah. Much different. And

you're not by yourself. No. Yeah. You have a whole team. So were you getting good grades?

I was. Yeah. Okay. Say for the most part. Yeah. I got good grades. I was in like an AP

a few AP classes my senior year. Oh, you were smart. Yeah. Okay. Just plain it down a little bit.

Okay. So you're an AP class. Do you graduate on time? I'm assuming do you go to college?

I do. Yeah. I ended up staying close by and going to Old Dominion University, which is like

a great school. It is. It's a great school. It's like 20 minutes from where my parents live. I

decided to like stay home and just go to school there because my ultimate plan was to move to New

York City after I graduated college. So I was like, let me just stay close to home for college.

And then you were living at home. I was. Okay. And you were just going to you weren't partying.

No. And that's what's so interesting is like I was working because I put myself through college. So

like I worked full time putting myself through college. And so I would have these moments where

I'm like, I should go to a college party. I'm in college. And then I would go to these parties.

And I just felt like I couldn't relate with the kids because most of them didn't have jobs.

They were just like going to school and partying. And I would drink and hang out. But then I would

just be like, oh, and I'd be over it. And then like three months would go around. And I'd be like,

I should go to a party. I'm in college. So that's kind of like how my college experience was.

I'd say until like my sophomore year. Yeah. That's very interesting because I feel like

the dream route is to go away to a college party, be in a fraternity,

sorority, play a sport, whatever it is. And just party all the time. And that's what I did. Yes.

I went to Albany. Okay. But I became a degenerate in college. Oh, I think a lot of people do.

It's like kind of like the culture. And especially I feel like if you if you're in a college where

there's like nothing else to do there, you're like in the middle of nowhere. Then it's like

you're just partying. Yeah. Albany is in the middle of upstate New York. Yeah. It's cold.

I lost my identity in college. I lost my identity. I was playing football. Then I wasn't playing

anymore. And then I was just floating around and just numbing out. And that's where I discovered

pain pills. But so that's that's interesting. You were putting yourself through caught. That's

very mature. You had a job. You were putting yourself through college. You'd pop into a party

here and there. Were there any issues with drinking through your college years? Or was it pretty

tame? It was pretty tame until I started dating this one guy my sophomore year. And he was a huge

partier. And like I didn't really know it at the time because I had actually switched jobs

that year. And I started working at this like very cool, senior restaurant in Virginia Beach.

And it's like all the people there, they would work hard during the shift. And then they would

go out and party. And that's when I started to learn that hospitality culture of like you work,

you make your money, and then you go out and you party. And so I started dating him. And then I kind

of fell into this a little bit of this rabbit hole of like I would work. I would spend like 12 hours

a day like cocktail serving. And then I would go out and I would drink. And I was doing this even

before I was 21. I remember the girl, there's one bar I went to. He like snuck me in. And one of

the bartenders there, she like came and kicked me out. But then later on when I finally turned 21,

she was actually the first person to serve me my first drink. That's so funny. I know. Yeah.

That's ironic. It is. Yeah. So okay, you're now and you were bartending at this. This is the

start of your bartending career. No, this is when I was serving. So I actually worked 14 years

in hospitality. But the first four, I was, I was just like a server serving at this nice restaurant.

Yeah. Okay. So you're making good money. Yeah. And now this guy, where did you meet him at the

at the restaurant? The new restaurant. Yeah. Okay. He was looking good. He was serving and he

was looking good. Well, he was bartending. Oh, yeah. Okay. Actually, no, maybe he was a bar back then.

Got it. But yeah. Okay. And like all the people that worked there, they kind of had all gone to

school together. Because I think most of them were from Virginia Beach. I technically grew up in

Chesapeake, which is like 20 minutes outside of Virginia Beach. So like, I didn't know any of these

people other than I had one girlfriend who started working there too. And so she was like my one

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more at Microsoft.com slash M365 co-pilot. Yeah. And then so I was like trying to fit in and like

go out with everybody. And he was a little older. Yes, he was. Okay. Virginia Beach is wild by the way.

Is I spent like a week there one time. It was during COVID. Oh, because we had New York City

was a disaster. I know where to go. So we went to Virginia Beach for a week. It was it was a disaster.

Yeah. And especially the ocean front. There's like, there's a lot of partying there.

Like all those bars along the ocean front. Like you can just like go bar hopping. Yeah.

And I feel like there was like one point like where I worked at that restaurant. Like everyone

I knew had like a DUI too. DUIs are really big there. Yeah. It's it's unfortunate. But

the cops are on that place. Yeah. Then iron fists. They do. They have to. Yeah, they have to.

You have to. There's a lot of riff raff that goes on around there. Yeah. A lot of shenanigans.

I saw this one guy running from the cops. Oh gosh. And he made it like a block and they just

they surround. They got him. Yeah. But he did. I think he was wanted. And the cops just pulled

that it was staged. The cops just pulled up out of nowhere. Yeah. Or it was like a controlled

buy or something. And then the guy was like, Oh shit. And just started running. And the cops started

coming out of nowhere. It was wild. I know. You don't want to get in trouble in Virginia. No.

Nope. No. Too close to DC. Not even like don't even get a speeding ticket there. Yeah.

Like their laws are very strict. So you continue dating this guy. How long were you dating him for?

We dated like four years. Oh wow. So we ended up moving to New York together. You and him

moved to New York. Now you graduate old Dominion. Yes, I do. What kind of degree? Marketing.

Marketing. Business. Yeah. Awesome. So then you go to New York City and you are now

bartending then? Not yet actually. Okay. So initially the reason I moved to New York was because

I was going to pursue an acting career. That's why I wanted to move to New York all along.

I kind of got my degree to appease my parents. And so literally two weeks after I graduated,

I moved to New York. So I could do the six week acting program in New York. And then I was

I was working at this like awful restaurant in Brooklyn. I don't even think they paid us hourly.

I feel like it was a front. And then I ended up like getting another job. And if like I feel like

maybe two years later, I ended up bartending. Got it. Yeah. Where did you go to acting school?

William Esper studio. Okay. Did you like it? I did. Yeah. Even though it was really intense,

it's like you go I go from like living in Virginia to then I'm like living in New York City.

I'm in this like really intense acting program that's like trying to pull a lot out of you. And I

just feel like it was almost too much too soon. And I remember like for a year after I didn't try

to pursue acting at all because it was just like too much. Yeah. And then on top of that, I'm trying

to like now learn how to live and survive in New York City, which is like a whole thing in and of

itself. Yeah. And then the guy came with you to support you because you wanted to pursue acting.

What did he do when he moved there? He was bartending. Okay. Yeah. He was bartending. He was working

in restaurants. Beer and hospitality. You can you can find a way to get a job and make it work in

New York City. There's so many yeah options. Yeah. Exactly. Okay. So do you stay in hospitality?

Do you pursue anything in marketing or are you you take that era from acting and you're just

working in hospitality? You eventually then become a bartender. What is your drinking like at

this point? At this point, I started probably drinking a lot because that partner I moved with,

he was drinking a lot. He was drinking a lot. He was staying out late. There was like some nights I

was like waiting up until 7 a.m. waiting up for him, like not knowing where he was. It was like

really intense. He was like also doing drugs. And then so like I kind of found myself coping with

a lot through drinking and going out with him. And then like later like hindsight's 2020, right?

Like I see now a lot of our relationship too was based on like us going out and drinking together.

Yeah. That's where you had that bond. Yeah. And then too like in hospitality, it's so woven in

the culture that like you sometimes you drink while you're working. Sometimes you drink when you get

off. And so that was also part of my life of like I would work and then I would go out and get a

drink with my friends. And then sometimes like you get one drink and then you get a few and then

in New York, a lot of the bars are open until 4 a.m. So you could be out all night long. Yeah. Yeah.

It's and it's past 4 a.m. some of the bars. They say 4 a.m. but they're open. Oh no. There's like

there was this one bar in Chelsea that they would like do after hours. Like and if you knew the

right people you could go and you could be drinking there until 6 or 7. But the irony was it was

like a cocktail spot at night and coffee place in the mornings too. You would have the people

like coming in to open for the coffee spot. And there's like still people they're drinking from

the night before. Oh my god. That's a disaster. Yeah. Pretty genius though. Yeah. Yeah. You just

turn it into a coffee. But yeah. Okay. So now you are living in the city and you're you're

drinking with this guy. Would you say it was a toxic relationship at that point? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

And like in some ways he's he was a great guy. I think he just had a lot of his own demons. Yeah.

And that's why he was also drinking and using drugs. And it was just one of those

relationships where you kind of bring out the worst in each other. And like I see now where I was

also toxic and I was like a bit controlling and yeah. Well, you're taking that's huge.

The accountability that you're taking on yourself. A lot of people will point the finger at the

other person. Yeah. But it takes two to tango and relationship. No, it does. It does. But a lot of

people don't see their side of things. Yeah. In certain situations. But that is the work you've

done on yourself. Again, hindsight 2020 looking back. You've realized and you've done the work on a

lot of the things that had happened in your life. Yeah. And also I think in relationships,

the person you're with mirrors back so much to you. Yeah. So if you have all this unhealed trauma,

they're just mirroring it back to you. Yeah. And if you're like not in that awareness, then like

you're just getting triggered and taking it personally. And then you're acting nasty to them.

And it can be like a whole cycle. Yeah. Yeah. So what happens next year? How

do you guys eventually break up? Yeah. So we event I think there came a point where I realized

that in order for me to do the things I wanted to do in New York, I couldn't be with him anymore.

The ball enchant. Yeah. Well, and it was like I felt like I was taking care of like the both of us.

Like I would have to make sure all of our bills were paid and like we had groceries and I kind of

felt like his mom at some point. So I just was like, I'm getting kind of tired of this. So we

broke up. But I actually had a lot of guilt. And it took me, I think, longer to leave that

partnership because I think when you are with someone like that, you assume this responsibility

for them. And I knew that if I, if we broke up, there was going to maybe be an unraveling with him.

And he wouldn't be able to like take care of himself there. Yeah. And so I think I was guilty.

I felt very guilty that I was going to leave him. And but eventually I had to, right?

Yeah. We take on responsibility like that when it's not our responsibility, you know,

but that person will be okay. Exactly. Eventually they will be fine. And they, they will get better.

Yeah. You're actually helping them. You're helping them by just cutting it and moving forward.

So okay, what happens after you actually said you stopped acting for a year. You went back to

acting. Yeah. Well, I went back to classes. Okay. Yeah. I like found like a new teacher and started

like going back into like training and taking classes. And then him and I broke up and I was like

living with a girlfriend. And like that was like the first time in my adult life. I was really

single. So like I kind of went a little crazy. Because like I had had a high school boyfriend too.

And then like, you know, you were always in a relationship. I was. And so it was the first time

that I was like I finally get to like just be with myself and do whatever I want to do. Yeah.

Care of myself. Breathe. Yeah. And some good things came from that then also like, you know,

I still was going out all the time. Yeah. Yeah. What year was this roughly?

Oh, like 20, 2016. Okay. Yeah. Actually, yeah. I was 2016 because when everyone's been doing this

like 2016 trend, I went back and looked at like where I was, what I was doing. Single Jessica,

New York City. Yeah. Getting crazy. Okay. So then you're drinking ramps up then.

It does because I started working at this lounge and like we were closed on Sundays. And so

and it was like all these girls that work there. And like we would either go out after work

or then on Sundays, we would go to brunch. And you would start brunch around 11 or 12. And then

I would somehow find myself at employees only at 9 p.m. Which is like a, I don't even know if it's

still open in New York, but it was a popular bar in New York. And I'm like, how am I still out drinking?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So once you start, you can't stop. Yeah. All right. So you're living with

your, your girlfriend? Does she drink like you? No, not really. Was there ever a point where she

stopped you and said, Hey, I think your drinking might be a problem or not really? No, not really.

Okay. Yeah. She, her and I like weren't that close. So and we kind of like,

it was like two ships passing in in the night and in our apartment. So yeah. Yeah.

So you guys were just rooming together. Yeah. You both needed a roommate. So it lowers rent a

little bit, but you weren't running in the same circles. No. Yeah. Okay. So your bartending,

you're living in the city. Now you eventually meet the boyfriend you're with now. I do. But actually

there, I feel like I should tell you about the partner I dated before him. Because then like her

and I were living together. But then she wanted to like move in with her boyfriend. I end up finding

another girlfriend to move in with. And I ended up working starting to work at this other place.

And you think I would learn from the first time of like not dating people that you work with.

You work with. Okay. So you meet a new guy. I meet a new guy. And like the universe, I think,

was like trying to laugh at me because they had the same birthday. And you think that would have

been a red flag. Like the same year too? No, not the same day. But the same day. Yeah. The same day,

the same month. And I'm like, that should have been like red flag number one for me. Was he a bartender?

He was. Oh my God. I got a type. Jessica. Or I had a type, I should say. Wait, is your boyfriend now

was he ever a bartender? No, he was never a bartender. Thank God. No, he's like completely opposite

to all the people I used to date. Okay. So you meet this dude. He's bartender due to same

birthdays, dude, one, not year, but day and month. Yeah. Okay. And go ahead. Like they could have

been brothers. They looked alike. No, no, no. I just mean like in their, you know, yeah, the

similarities, the similarities. They're unhield trauma. Yeah. Or abusive alcohol and cocaine.

And that was the thing too is since I had dated the first guy, I thought like I knew better. And

somehow the second guy like really tricked me. Like somehow convinced me like, I think when he would

be like on coke that he was like just an anxious person all the time. And I somehow believed that.

I don't even know how, but like he was just like I'm always dealing with anxiety. But then he was

always broke too. So I'm like, and then later on I find out like from friends that like his friends

are like, oh no, he was like always. And I'm like, oh, okay. He never told you he was sniffing coke.

I mean, I found out later on. But yeah. But initially he never told you. No, no. Wow. So you only

saw his drinking. You can see his coke use. And he said he was very anxious and had a lot of

anxiety. That's why he was peeking out the window and or just like, oh man. I'm getting anxiety

thinking about it. Well, and then I should have put two and two together because when we would go

out drinking like I would be like almost falling down. And like he would be fine. And like we've

been out drinking and like look, I understand body weight, right? And all of that sort of thing. But like

there was something still keeping you like. He was holding court. Exactly. At like 5 a.m. at the bar.

Okay. So you're dating this dude. Now, okay, look, I get it. You should you said you should have

known. But but you gave him the benefit of the doubt you liked him. And you were in a relationship

with him. Do you guys move in together? Yeah, we do. Okay. Yeah. And then now do you know about

the coke usage at this point? No. You still don't know. Okay. But he's doing it like he's drinking

primarily and then going out Friday, Saturday and doing. He's like working, right? So he's like

working Friday, Saturday. Yeah. He's like out. He would go out after work. And then like it was

the same as the previous partner where it's like the thing we would always do together is like go

up drinking. Yeah. Okay. So you're drinking ramps up even more with this guy. I'm assuming.

It did. But then it got to a point where I was I just stopped drinking as much too. And then that

also like I started to want to stay home more and like not really go because he was like always

wanting to go out. And I'm like, I don't want to go out every night. And so like I would start

staying home. And then that's when I started to realize that I'm like, oh, the only thing we really

have in common is that we're going out drinking together. And like that relationship was like very,

I feel like even more toxic than the first one. It was just like a lot of again, like unhealed trauma

where you guys are just like spewing it at each other. Yeah. And then I tried to like back pedal faster

because I was like, oh, I've been here before. I got to get out of this. It feels familiar. Yes.

Okay. But that's I think why it was worse because you were aware of it the first time.

Well, yeah. I was kind of like, how did I get myself here again? Yeah. Yeah.

How does that end? That really changed. So we end up moving out like of our apartment after

the leases up. I end up moving in with one of my best friends. And her and I end up sharing a

studio in New York. It's like, it's like the classic New York story. We were like, oh, we'll just do

this for a few months. We'll save some money. Like her and I were both like kind of like opposite

schedules. I think she was traveling a lot. Then we ended up sharing that studio for two years.

Two years. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Did the guy see the writing on the wall when you said you're

moving into an apartment with your friend after living with him and it being a studio? I don't know.

Maybe not. Okay. Maybe not. Okay. Yeah. But you guys break up eventually. We break up. Yeah. Okay.

And then what is what year are we in now, roughly? We're in like 20. So good. So good. So good.

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Ready to be G 13. 17, 2018. Okay. Maybe 2018. Okay. Yeah. So 2018, you're living in this studio.

You have a lot of time by yourself because she's traveling opposite schedules.

Yes. But that's the thing. She was nanny at the time and she had more normal schedule,

I'd say. And so I was still bartending and going out a lot. And then I would sometimes come home

drunk and try to pretend. That was fine. And I'd be pretending. I'm not drunk right now.

And living with her is where I started to see that, wait, maybe I do have a problem with alcohol.

She would never really go out and drink that much. Like if we did go out, I would be the one

that's like, no, let's go to the next place. Let's keep drinking. Yeah. Yeah. That's problematic

when you're trying to hide it from your roommate. Yeah. So you eventually meet your next

boyfriend. Was that in COVID or it was before COVID? Okay. And actually before that happened,

I feel like living with her was great. But then I briefly dated this one guy and that ended

very badly. It was like a very few months of a stating. But he just, I feel like he had a wave

about him that was brought up a lot of shame in myself. And again, all this unhealed stuff.

And I ended up hitting this rock bottom moment where I was like, why do I keep allowing

these people into my life to treat me this way? And it was like one of those times where it's like

all you can do is sit in bed and eat ice cream. And then after that, my friend had recommended

like this energy healer. So like, I went to this energy healer and she like recommended I go on

this retreat. So I went and did this like 10 day retreat in California. And prior to that,

I like took a month off drinking. And so I was like, taking a month off drinking, I went to this

retreat. And like, that's when I started to really get a lot more clarity on like myself,

like what am I doing with my life? Why do I keep doing these things? Why do I keep entertaining

these types of people? And then when I got back, that's when I kind of met my now partner.

And then I also started yoga teacher training. So it was like this in tandem of like, I started

yoga teacher training. And then I met my current partner. Yeah, this heightened spiritual experience

that you had. It was like the most intense. Yeah. Like it was like the most intense 10 days.

You're like on this like cowboy ranch in California, you're like doing like energy healing and

meditating for like 10 hours a day. Or like only feeding you like vegetarian food. And yeah,

it was good though. No, how do you meditated prior to or not really? No, like I had just started

getting into a meditation practice prior to going. Okay. Which was like, and this specific technique,

it's called like inner spiritual technique. And it's like all about connecting with you like your

third eye and like trying to meditate from your third eye. Yeah. So you brought up a few times

unhealed trauma with a few of the boyfriends. And like, maybe they had that in common with you.

Oh, yeah. What was some of the trauma that you had experienced that was unhealed? I feel like

it was that I was always living my life for everyone else. I was always people pleasing.

I feel like I've always had the sense of like, like I mentioned earlier, like not fitting in,

maybe not feeling good enough, having like this. Yeah, just all of that.

Something that kicked up your nerves when you were younger. Yeah. It's like almost walking across

the lunchroom, right? And everyone's like, I used to get like anxiety to the core,

walking through a lunchroom. Like everyone's looking at me like this inside and it would like

shock my nerves. But yeah, there are things that happen to us when we're younger that

shock our nerves. Yeah. Something similar or, you know, comparable to that happens in a relationship

and it shocks your nerve and puts you through that same feeling once again. So. Okay.

I think too, like I was always like in this state of like people pleasing because I'm like,

if I please people and if I like put their needs above mine, then like they're going to need me,

I'm going to fit in with them, you know? And I feel like that's from the four years I did

of talk therapy. I kind of realized like that's also why attracted certain partners. I'm like,

oh, they need help. They need, I can help fix them. Like I can, they're going to need me.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. I get that. They need you. They're never going to leave you.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you meet the new boyfriend, you guys hit it off and then COVID happens.

Yeah. So take us through, you know, where you're drinking that, what life was like for you going

into COVID? Going into COVID, I was actually still going out a lot. He's a DJ. So like part of like

us getting to know each other is like he would play gigs on the weekends. I ended up having weekends

off because I was doing yoga teacher training. And so I started going out to like see him DJ

and then COVID hit. And ironically, like we ended up not drinking as much during COVID. I feel

like everyone did the opposite. But I think because I was, I don't know, I had this thing where like

didn't really want to drink at home. And so we would only drink maybe like once a week during COVID.

But even even that once a week, I sometimes would get we would drink way too much.

Or at least I would drink way too much and like end up getting like blacked out.

Yeah. I think you're the only alcoholic I know who didn't want to drink at home during COVID. I

mean, whatever. Like I, I would do whatever at home. I wanted to stay at home. So no one would see

me out in the wild. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. Okay. So you guys are living together. You're living in

New York City. We weren't living together yet. Actually, okay. Ironically, we lived a, we lived

across the street from each other. We both lived on 10th street and first avenue. And I lived like

on the east side of the street and he lived on the west side of the street. That's actually the

best scenario that you could have. You live very close proximity wise. But if you needed your own

space, you had your place. And if he needed his own space, he had his place. Exactly. That's great.

It was. And like, so he would come over some days. Sometimes he would go back to his place.

And I had two roommates, but both of them left during COVID. So I had this like three bedroom

place to myself during COVID. That's awesome. It was you and him eventually decide to move down

Florida. We do. Yes. Okay. During COVID, I had, after that spiritual retreat, I went on and

then I met him. I had already known like New York wasn't the place for me anymore. And so

he started kicking around the idea of like moving to Miami. We had like a few places in mind

because he was like, if I want to still DJ, then I need to, I need to move somewhere where I can

still DJ. So we packed up all of our stuff and we literally drove like an SUV down here.

Because I think like you halls were like insane. Like the price of them were like insane to try

to get. Yeah, they skyrocketed. They did during COVID. So like I sold as much stuff as I could.

And then we put whatever we could fit into this like huge SUV and we like drove down to Florida.

That's great. Yeah. And then you went right to Miami. Yeah. Well, we spent like two weeks with

my family in Virginia and then we went to Miami. Yeah. So you move in down to Miami. Now why my

why Florida? I mean, I understand during COVID and you didn't want to live in New York, but

was there opportunity down here for you or for him there was. And for me, I was like in this place

where I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do acting hadn't really worked out in New York.

Quite frankly, I didn't dedicate enough time or energy to it. I got really caught up into the

bartending and trying to survive. And so I was at this crossroads where I was like, I don't know

what I want to do. And so I just want to go somewhere that's going to be easier on my nervous system

and like warmer because I couldn't stand the cold. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you move down and what

happens from there? From there, I ended up getting a job at this crazy, busy restaurant. But

before I moved, I made the conscious decision that I was like, all right, when I moved to New York,

I got really caught up in the scene of going out of drinking with the whole bartending thing. And

I'm like, if I still have to bartend while I'm here, I want to like create some sort of separation.

Like, I don't want to be going out all the time. And so when I moved down here, I made that choice

of like the types of people I wanted to try to surround myself with and not going out. And so like

it did, I felt like I was doing pretty well at it. Like I would go in, I would work, I would leave.

I was never really going out with anybody that I worked with. And at the same time, I was like

starting to teach yoga a little bit. And then I was also, I had just gotten into this coaching

program to start to learn how to coach people on health and wellness. So I was learning a lot about

that. And then on the side, I was also doing wellness events. So then it was like, it kind of

felt like I was living a double life at some point, though, because I'm like doing all I'm like

coaching people, I'm teaching people yoga, I'm holding these wellness events, but then I'm bartending

at night. Yeah. No, I mean, it's, it's, you're setting boundaries for yourself almost. But it's

also, it's a night life type of job. It is. Yeah. And it's, people can do it. People can live

maybe not even just a sober life, but just, you know, have discipline and go out certain nights

or after you bartend, go out, but it's a tough way of life. It is. Well, because it's like,

you're also serving people and they're getting really intoxicated and like, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So you, you took us a little through like 21, 22, 23, you end up getting sober January

1st of 2024. And you took us through kind of that last year, 2023, 2022. Was it pretty wild

for you? Was there a lot of blacking out? Was there a lot of, like, where did it come to a head

where you took a step back and said, all right, I really need to reevaluate my drinking.

Yeah. So that year I ended up traveling a bit like I, I had been working at this one place.

It was way too demanding. I quit. I start bartending like part time at this other place. And I

decided to travel a lot that year. I think I went on like two retreats. I ended up going to

prove for the first time in 2022 and doing plant medicine for the first time. Can you walk us

through that whole experience? Yes. And what was it? I did San Pedro. Okay. It's also known

as wichuma. It's similar to peyote. It's a very gentle plant medicine. I started falling

this woman on Instagram and I couldn't, I couldn't even tell you why I felt called to go on her

retreat. But I did. I signed up. I got one of my good friends to come with me. It was like this

beautiful retreat where we were in the sacred valley. We did plant medicine. We explored. So

I'll match you P2. And so like 2022 was like a year was like trying to figure out like who am I?

What do I want to do? It was like a lot of like exploring, discovering. But then on the side,

I was still drinking a lot. It was like the few times I would drink. It's like I would just

be overindulging. And then it came to a head in 2022 when I went to that concert and I like got

so drunk and fell asleep on the beach. And then 2023, I was still kind of working with plant

medicines. But then that November after I had had that whole experience where like I went out

drinking with my dad. And then I took a month off before I went back to Peru again. I took

Ayahuasca for the retreat in 2023. How was that? It was wild. It's but also it's I think was a

catalyst for me because after I did it was like a week long retreat. We did three ceremonies.

And when I got back, it started to become so obvious the things that weren't right for me.

And alcohol was one of them. That's when it was like very clear for me. That was like alcohol is not

serving you me. Like it kind of for me, everyone has a different experience, right? And like also,

I feel like it was helping me heal a lot of the trauma from childhood, from some of these partners.

I was like going through all these crazy things during my ceremonies. Yeah. Yeah.

So what did what did you also identify that was bad for you other than the alcohol? And I'm assuming

toxic partners. Yeah, toxic partners. Even like ways like I sabotage myself or like something I

think we I didn't bring up a much in our conversation. But like I kind of on again off again had

problems with like I wouldn't say like I had a full-blown eating disorder. I feel like it was more

orthorexia where like I was like would try to control what I eat or like try to not eat enough.

And like that also came up in my ceremony of like I can't treat my body this way. Like I need to

nourish my body even though I feel like I was kind of past that but still. Yeah. And then you said

you had you came back after ayahuasca and then you drank I think one or two more times and then

you finally pulled the plug on it. I did. And then after that after I pulled the plug I ended up

assisting a yoga retreat in Costa Rica that January and we did a mushroom ceremony. And during

that mushroom ceremony that's when like I got the message that was like okay you're not drinking

alcohol anymore like you can't serve alcohol anymore. And it was like showing me how I've been like

misguided and like how I'm not serving the collective in this way by serving them alcohol that's like

mm-hmm poisoning people essentially yeah when was the mushroom January January 2024

okay and have you done more of them since yes okay yeah it's actually been like a huge part of my

healing and and doing it in an intentional way I think that's also something that's really

important is like people are doing this A with people who know what they're doing and they

really understand these plants and B they're creating safe containers and spaces and you're coming

to working with these plants with intention right I think a lot of people sometimes just like alcohol

they abuse them yeah yeah so since doing this show I have become so much more open-minded to

all the different ways to recover I went through 12-step programs so it's like mushrooms

absolutely not yeah ayahuasca nope none of that yeah and that's how I live my life over today I mean

it works for me yeah other ways I respect your way I do want to say just for the viewers and the

listeners be very careful oh yeah and you know for me I'm an addict through and through I will

find ways to if I'm not drinking or drugging it'll be you know gambling sex addiction I'll

huff a can of spraying you know keyboard spray at my desk I've actually done that before at work

my god this gets you high wow this is amazing so with mushrooms I will go and then I'm like all right

we're doing it every week we're doing it every fucking day yeah and other people have different

ways of recovering no you get to know yourself before you start to do that exactly you know I

personally know myself to the point where I can't do that because I know where we'll eat I'm like

crazy addict through and through but not not saying you're not yeah but I just want to tread lightly

here because yeah I don't want the viewers to get the wrong message either but okay so go ahead

so it's really it's helped you a lot it has yeah like working with and but I think you raise a

really great point I I know people in some communities and circles where they are going to drink

ayahuasca every weekend and I'm like that defeats the whole purpose because these plants they give

you so much information but you need time to integrate and oftentimes I feel like integration

could be like a day a week a month a year longer so what is one of the biggest things that you

have received through doing you know ayahuasca in mushrooms and I think trust in myself

like understanding getting very clear about who I am and like trusty myself and stop looking

around to see how everyone's doing it because I think much most of my life I had this all I'm

going to do it wrong I had this fear like and I'm still working on it like it's not something that's

like completely gone away but like fear that I'm going to do the thing wrong and like there's a

right way to do things and so I'm looking around seeing how everyone else is doing things and it's

all all my work with the plants have helped me see like no I have my own path I need to just trust

to myself and just going more inward yeah I think that's another thing they help you do is go really

inward so then you can get really honest with yourself too yeah you have the answers within you

just have to go deep enough to get them I know and it's I feel like we hear that all the time but

it's so true yeah it sounds like you got very comfortable with yourself as well and secure with

yourself not saying you were insecure yeah but it sounds like no yeah exactly you're not comparing

yourself how someone else is doing something that's comparison you're comparing or you know you

trying to find a blueprint as to how to do something but I I always compare myself it's a lot

less than doing steps but I'm more I'm hyper aware of it now do you still like compare yourself in

some cases yes and we have social media which is like so hard not to compare yourself it's like

a highlight reel of people's lives and like you go on there and you're like and maybe someone's

doing something that you want to do or like you're trying to do and then you see them because they're

they're 10 steps ahead of you but you know so yeah what other tools have you implemented in the

last few years other tools moving my body is huge for your like mental health even if it's like

I mean I'm a yoga teacher so like I can obviously take myself through yoga but even if I don't

want to do that like taking walks and like walks without listening to a podcast or music and just

really being with yourself that's something that's been really helpful for me I've also started to

work a lot with in ritual with plants and just like your everyday plants like lavender rose

chamomile and like sitting in ritual with them where I'll sit in the morning I'll meditate with a

tea maybe I have a tincture of some sort and having some time in space to myself I think that's a

big thing is like how I start my day yeah like I have to be like intentional and really like

ground into myself before like I go off into the world yeah so I used to and I'm gonna I don't

do it anymore I used to have this amazing ritual when I would wake up in the morning I would pray

I mean I still make my bed of course but I would pray make my bed meditate and then do inventory

I got away from it the last couple months sounds like you should come back yeah the chaos that

goes on in my head oh yeah is insane when I don't do those things in the morning yeah I gotta post

on this but I mean I have the podcast I gotta post on all my channels like I gotta do this I gotta

do that and it creates all this unmanageability whereas when I used to do those things and have

that structured way of waking up and integrating into a day it's like it's four things that I have

accomplished already and it just simplifies the rest of my day well it's like you're you're grounding

your energy before then like you're having to go off and like go in so many different directions

feel like if you start your day and then you're like going off then it's like and I notice I'm

the same like if I don't have like an intentional way to start my day I'm like I'm more irritable like

I'm more moody I'm just like short tempered yeah I mean it doesn't help when you have a six-year-old

and when she always hears me wake up so when I wake up oh yeah hi Danny because she's probably

already been up for yeah just waiting for me to get up okay so you are now two and a half years

sober what was one of the greatest gifts that has been given to you over the past two years since

you've removed alcohol out of your life clarity I feel like I have so much more clarity I feel like

alcohol made things so foggy and like really removed me from myself like even like I feel like I

would have like day long hangovers not even just day like multiple days where now it's just things

feel like much more clear of like who I am what I'm doing and my energy levels too like I just feel

like like frequency my energy I can I feel how good it is and so that's also what's like kept me

going is I'm like I don't want to dim that yeah I don't want to like dim the light yeah I can tell

that you love yourself today not because I mean you speak about what your life is like today and

there's a huge smile on your face how have you gotten to that place where you've loved yourself

spending a lot of time with myself like uninterrupted like and getting very honest I think like that's

the thing and also learning to not be so hard on yourself I think that's a big lesson I had to

learn where I was like and I'm still learning it I'm not like an expert of like not being hard

on myself now like I'm still have days like that but like just having like way more compassion and

like coming back to love and I feel like we hear it's one of those things we also hear all the time

but it's so important to like come back to that it is I I am so hard on myself I used to be a lot

harder on myself if I wasn't good at something immediately from the jump yeah my god I fucking

suck I'm piece shit I'm done yeah and we don't know how that goes but like that's the thing like

as humans like the journey and like the challenge is also what makes the things more rewarding and

I think we forget that when you're like and I'm the same like I feel like my whole life things

always kind of came pretty easy to me but then when something was a little more challenging I was like

you suck like you're saying at this I'm not doing it yeah I want no part of it well Jessica I want

to thank you for coming on thank you appreciate you taking the trip down from Miami we'll call it

Miami for Miami yeah you're gonna be moving soon huh I am yes where are you thinking we're moving

to St. Pete oh you know what you did say that yeah yeah I love it over there I know I'm excited

yeah yeah when you guys moving in end of June okay so you gotta like six more months we do yeah

this year's gonna be a little bit wild but yeah yeah I have that and then I'm hosting my first

retreat too oh boy yeah watch out I know where so on TikTok Jessica Jessica Jessica Tanner

T.A.N. IR yes and then on Instagram as well yes I feel like I'm more active on Instagram actually

okay and it's all one word no dots no spaces nothing yes amazing well thank you again for coming

on thank you for the mocktail oh thank you thank you for having me

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above in this podcast I talk with people who face life's toughest challenges addiction trauma

anxiety depression and everything in between each guest shares their journey through dark times

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