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societySep 7, 202641:57pending

I Feared Coming Out More Than Death

Trandescendant

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About this episode

What does it actually feel like to be so afraid of coming out as LGBTQ+ that dying starts to look like the reasonable option? Rya lived it. These are her real journal entries from 2014, read aloud for the first time, written during the two years she spent bargaining with God over whether she could survive being herself. If you love a gay or transgender person who is still in the closet, you will hear what they cannot tell you. If you are queer and hiding, you will hear your own thoughts in another person's handwriting. This is one person's story of what it cost, and how she made it through to find hope again.

Content warning: this episode contains detailed discussion of suicidal thoughts and one attempt. Please take care of yourself while listening.

If you are struggling, help is available. Call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Trans Lifeline, staffed by and for trans people, is 1-877-565-8860. The Trevor Project, for LGBTQ+ young people under 25, is 1-866-488-7386.

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I Feared Coming Out More Than Death

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