I Think I'm Going to Hit You on The Head With A Stick

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I think I'm going to hit you in the head with a stick now.

It's one more thing.

I'm strong and daddy.

One more thing.

Where can I avoid this?

Oh, my gully.

Bodycam video from the Columbus, Ohio Police Department.

Here is the long story made short.

This collection of really sad sack misfits

are protesting homeless sweeps

by setting up a tent on the city attorney's lawn

at his or her home.

Don't like that.

The homeowner calls the cops,

the cops show up and are trying to deal with this.

Their patience and kindness is astonishing.

As is the lamowness of the young activists,

good God man.

The star of this show is the young woman

who makes it utterly clear over and over again

is the liaison with the group.

In the style of some of the campus protests,

where they would surround somebody with camera

and shove them away or you'd ask them a question

and they'd say,

I'm not the spokesperson.

You have to talk to our spokesperson.

I just asked you why you're here.

You need to talk to our spokesperson.

That's a thing with the neo-Marxist youngsters.

Anyway, we'll start with 15.

Go from there.

We've set the scene.

The Columbus PD shows up.

Does anybody claim an ownership of this tent?

I'm the police liaison.

If you want to speak to any of them or anything until then,

you can talk to me.

The protesters are here right now

because of the sweep happening on Eastbound Street.

There are some demands.

That's fine.

Here's the thing.

The property owner doesn't want them on their property, OK?

So now there's an...

Officially, there's a trespass notice.

I'll talk to you because you say that you're the liaison to them.

If you can tell them,

they can just move right over to this piece of grass right here.

That's probably OK.

But the property owner of this particular address

no longer wants them on their property, all right?

Go on.

For everybody inside the tent,

we need you guys to get up.

We need you guys to get up.

Everything that you're saying right now.

We need you guys to start getting up

and start packing up your property.

I think as their communication.

I understand that.

But they're not listening to you.

So I'm going to talk to them directly

and hope they listen to me to avoid an arrest

because we don't want to arrest them.

We want them to obey the law

and leave this property.

Like I said before, I'm the police liaison.

So anything that you want to tell them, tell me,

and I will tell them.

And we have.

We've already explained it to you

and they're not listening to you.

This is what I'm saying.

So like I said before,

if there is anything that you want to tell them,

you can talk to me,

and I will say to them.

Okay.

So is there anything that you want to talk to them right now?

They need to leave.

They're going to be placed under arrest.

You guys have been told

that the...

You're back close?

Other officer?

Oh, they're all standing right next to you.

The tent.

You are being told

that you must...

So...

Or else...

You must go.

Are you okay?

You guys...

You are going to be...

We've got to pop off a little bit.

Or arrest.

Or arrest.

Thank you.

Okay.

Hi.

Now I'm going to hit you in the head with a stick.

Except the cops don't.

I'm the official liaison.

Yes, you said that.

A number of times.

I didn't realize they're standing that close.

Can you tell them where everybody is?

Apparently she just turns her head into this.

The police say.

Yeah, I know I heard it.

That's precisely what's happening.

Yes.

So it's like a Portlandia bit.

She always sounds like that female comedian rock girl

that is on Portlandia.

Right, right.

I said the police are saying that...

Yeah, I know.

I'm standing right here.

I think her slow talking was some sort of...

Neo-Marxist delaying probability.

Probably.

But it was just...

Probably.

Everybody was just looking at her like...

Are you...

No offense to anybody.

Do you have special needs?

I mean...

How long diled back?

When you wrote the bus to school, how long was the bus?

Was it on the shoulder side?

Easy, easy.

Alright, let's...

At least one more, Michael.

So, here's the deal.

This is your last warning.

Final warning.

You must get up.

You must start vacating the property.

Or you're going to be placed under arrest.

So, like I said before, because I am the police liaison.

Okay.

Listen to me.

I need you to stand over there.

This is going to you too.

Okay.

This is private property.

You have to leave.

I need you to stand over there.

For me.

Okay?

As I said before,

Any warning that you give them that isn't...

I'm warning you.

I'm warning you right now.

They're not going to listen.

They're not listening to you anyway.

They're not listening to you anyway.

Like, nothing is going on.

They're not listening to you anyway.

They're not listening to you anyway.

I'm trying to explain.

Tell me the warning against.

I can go to bed, or...

I've already explained it.

And they're not listening to you.

So, what I need you to do to avoid you being arrested

is I need you to go stand over there

and get off of private property.

Once again, the homeowner here does not want you on their property.

Okay?

I need you personally to go over there and stand.

Or you're going to be placed under arrest.

I know.

Good shampoo.

Hit her with the stick.

I know.

All right.

There's one.

I said hit before.

All right.

No, no.

Cut that off.

She's like, oh, we're not.

The poor cops had to listen to that again.

We're not.

And then the final...

I think she really enjoys saying the word liaison.

For some reason,

she just really enjoys...

Maybe it's the most important position she's ever had in her life.

I'm a liaison now.

The final WTF moment in this

is in clip 18, Michael.

Hang on.

But again,

I say this with actual sympathy

and a little sadness in my heart.

These people are really sad sacks.

They're misfit folks who don't fit in.

They're desperate to feel like they're living life

a purpose and what they're doing is important.

They just come off as sad.

But obviously everybody gets arrested

and here's how it went.

There's one nugget in here

that will make you pull out your hair.

Be fair.

You know what?

You bring us together for me.

It'll be easier, okay?

I appreciate your cooperation, the situation.

Can you ask your arms back a little?

I don't want to hurt you with the cuffs.

Let me bring them away from your body, buddy.

Thank you.

It's not too tight, right, man?

Yeah.

Okay.

Do you identify a surre, man?

I don't know.

Or you can tell your pronoun.

I don't want to insult you.

It's okay.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

I need you to cut it off, Michael.

I ask everybody as they're coughing them,

what are your pronouns?

Wow.

So we don't hurt your feelings.

Wow.

So I don't know what the legality is.

Are you obligated as a cop to deal with the liaison?

Like if they name a liaison?

Oh, no, absolutely no.

Okay.

So they're just being polite.

This guy had the patience of a saint.

I don't give a shit if you're the liaison.

Hey, dudes, get out of here.

Or you're going to get arrested.

Yeah.

Get out of my face, you half-wit twat.

Yeah, please.

You're probably out of, you're probably out of bleep

that word, Hanson, please.

All you all in the liaison, you wrote in on Git.

Compassionate policing is a beautiful thing.

It is, I have so much admiration for your peace officers.

I really do.

At some point though, there's probably somebody crossed

out in the town.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Put them in a headlock, chuck them in the car.

Let's be done with this ass.

It's one thing to have that sort of patience,

but knowing that somewhere there's someone either about two

or has made a nine one one call and there's a car

not getting there fast enough because of this shit.

Yeah.

I mean, if it's a super slow day,

they're in beautiful Columbus.

Okay.

All right.

It's a problem we've got.

There are examples of bad actors that come into this country

and use our freedom and laws against us

in all kinds of different ways.

Yeah.

This sort of thing is similar.

It's just, you're taking advantage of our efforts

to not trample on anybody's rights and you know you are.

Yeah.

Yeah.

True.

There is so much of Marxism, neo-Marxists,

that leans on our openness, our kindness,

are wanting to be good people.

And that's the very thing they exploit

to introduce a system that has killed more human beings

than virtually any other that's ever existed.

They exploit our wanting to be nice.

I know why you can't, but man,

a flashlight in the back of the year.

Boy.

This is why you're not a Columbus,

Ohio cop Jack.

Many reasons.

You failed a psychological test.

Again.

And particularly.

Yes, and particularly.

And particularly.

Well, I guess that's it.

That was great.

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