Inside A Heroin Addicts Brutal Lifestyle | Shooting During Pregnancy, Human Trafficked & Sobriety

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If you met me before, two completely different people.

Really?

I was dabbling in darkness, like witchcraft, kind of stuff.

And my whole life has changed since I got sober.

It's crazy because people who come on here, I see the good side.

I see them on the other side.

I don't see them in active addiction.

I don't see them stealing, robbing, whatever they're doing, whatever we do.

And it's hard for me.

It's tough for me to believe, I mean, I believe it, but it's tough for me to believe

that you were as crazy into some of the things that you did.

I think about it too.

And I'm just like, but yeah, I am living a whole different life, completely different

life.

I love this life.

It's not always fun.

I mean, recovery's boring some days, but I love my job, I like working in recovery.

I love being a mom and being present before I might have physically been there, but I wasn't

mentally or emotionally there.

I was in my room shooting up heroin while my kids are running around, begging for their

mom.

Yeah.

I'm a father.

Thank God.

I have been clean and sober since my daughter has been alive her entire life.

But I get parents, fathers, guilt, sometimes sober.

I couldn't imagine the drinking and the drugging, but I also would have been numb to it as

well.

Yeah.

Actually, I was just talking about this, the guilt, the parent guilt at work in one of my

groups.

And I like couldn't help but start crying because it just, it still is there.

I feel bad when I look back like my poor kids, like especially my daughter because she's

older.

So she watched her mom be like an active addiction and it just, it sucks.

It really does.

But I can't keep holding on to this forever.

No.

It's going to, that's this type of stuff that keeps people sick is like holding on to

the guilt and the shame.

So I just pray through it when those, when those thoughts pop in my head and I feel like

that's the enemy creeping in and being like, you are, you know, but I'm not, I did shitty

things.

But it's the shaming guilt that keep us out, longer, inactive addiction, kept me out there

for a long time.

And I realized some of the things that I had shaming guilt around some of the actions

that took place, shared it with someone and like, oh, really, well, I did this and it

won up to my shaming guilt.

Yeah.

And we're not bad people.

We're, we're born pure, we're babies, we're young kids at one point, innocent kids.

And then we, we divert to another path, unfortunately, and do some things, but it doesn't

define who we are, you know, well, I want to congratulate you on almost two years.

By the time this comes out, you'll probably have around two years.

So congratulations.

You work in treatment.

So not only are you active in sobriety, you've pretty much made it your life.

Yeah.

Some people are like, I can't believe a real life is just recovery, recovery, recovery.

It's like, that is helping me stay sober, surprisingly.

I have to remind myself that that is not my recovery, you know?

I've caught myself at work being like, okay, I don't have to go to a meeting.

I don't have to go to a meeting.

And then one day goes by and then three days go by.

I'm not going to meetings and then I start getting that itch of like, maybe I can have

one truly like, no, you can't.

So I need to keep up with calling my sponsor and going to meetings and I have sponsors.

So that keeps me in line, but work definitely does help.

You know, I run a lot of groups.

My position is a 12 step coordinator.

So I bring people through the book.

I am big book daily.

But then I do separate groups that are like religion versus spirituality and I do stuff

like that.

That is huge for me because my life is God.

And I love spreading the word and some people are like, ah, God, God, God.

I'm like, your higher back would be whatever you want.

You want it to be the woods, go out to be the woods.

You want it to be a porcupine fine, you know?

So yeah, yeah.

There has to be something that enables you to take your will out of a situation and it's

not a religious program.

You and I got sober the same way just because you and I got sober this way.

It doesn't mean that has to be everyone's journey.

So for the listeners, for the, for the viewers, it doesn't have to be a 12 step program.

That's not what we're pushing here.

We're not pushing anything.

And it's not a religious program.

You were just sharing your husband is sober.

He doesn't go to 12 step meetings.

And he sober.

Yeah.

So you know what?

It's different for everyone.

But you know one way, I know one way.

So you are going to talk about that way and what work for you.

And it's just another avenue.

I had tried every other way, tried every which way.

I tried going to NA and not doing hard drugs, but drinking.

I mean, you're not supposed to drink in NA, but it was my program.

How I wanted to work it.

I tried going and not getting a sponsor, I tried getting a sponsor, I tried working steps,

not working step.

I've done it every which way, not going to meetings or just going to meetings.

It doesn't work.

I'm the king of half measures.

I have to find a loophole.

And I had, I couldn't find a loophole with recovery, I couldn't.

So okay, you are coming up on two years of sobriety.

Were you ever sober before this time?

I think maybe three days, three days here and there of sobriety, but that was with like

drinking three days.

I've been clean a little over seven years from heroin.

That was the first thing I kicked was opiates.

And when I was using, it was actually heroin.

It wasn't this fentanyl.

It's on the street killing everybody.

So yeah, we, I got, all right.

So I met my husband in active addiction.

He was already using and I didn't know.

Ten years ago.

Ten years ago.

Maybe, yeah.

Yeah.

I think he was using before that, but yeah, I met him.

I actually went to him because we were friends for a long time before that.

And I went to him for pills.

I was addicted to pills before meeting him because of something that happened to me in which

we can get into.

And of course, when I went to go get them, he comes back.

He's like, oh, my friend couldn't get any pills, but he got this and opens up a dollar

bill and it's heroin.

And I was like, I've never done heroin.

And he's like, it's the same thing.

Same thing.

And I'm like, it's not.

Okay.

And I tried it.

And after that, I was like, this is different and fell in love, fell in love.

But shortly after using that, you know, it starts with a day, you know, you want a party

that it starts with, you know, it goes three days and then I'm doing it every day.

And then I find out I'm pregnant with my son.

And I'm like, I'm a heroin addict.

I can't be pregnant.

So I'm freaking out.

And he's like, well, let's get into a methadone clinic.

And I'm like, I don't know anything about Suboxone methadone, whatever they have out

there.

And we get into a methadone clinic and I just can't stop using.

I used every single day in my pregnancy.

And I felt bad about that during, but for a long time after I got clean for using.

And heroin wasn't the only thing I was using when I was pregnant either.

I was dabbling in like Coke and all those things.

Addiction just does not care.

It does not care.

But this is how I know God exists because he stepped in with that.

And when I gave birth to my son, they, they tested the inbilical cord when a woman has a

baby for different things.

And they tested it multiple times and they came back three doctors.

There's nothing in thebilical cord.

There's no methadone.

There's no drugs.

There's nothing how that is like not possible.

And I'm like, that is God looking over and saving that baby.

So he went through no withdrawals, nothing.

And he's okay today.

And he is okay, healthy, smart, very smart.

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I want to say to the viewers, to the listeners, if you are an active addiction and you are

thinking of using during your pregnancy is highly, highly, I advise against it because

you locked out big time.

The odds of that happening are so slim, there's always difficulties with the pregnancy.

Yeah, I had family members, same thing, they were in addiction, heroin and had a child

and that child went through some crazy stuff and I was very afraid of that happening.

Yeah.

I'm like, oh my God.

God is real.

Yes.

Okay, so let's take a giant step back.

You're originally from Boston?

Well, New Hampshire.

I was in and out of Boston when I was homeless, couch surfing.

I was down there for a lot for other reasons too.

New Hampshire is where I was born and my parents split up when I was pretty young so I was bouncing

around from this place in that place in New Hampshire.

I'm sure you hear this a lot.

It was a chaotic, chaotic childhood.

My mom suffered with mental illness, unmedicated, so went through a lot of craziness.

My dad is literally the most loving man ever, a complete different parent, hug us and say

I love you all the time and just he wanted full custody of us and it just didn't happen.

So I dealt with a lot of craziness.

Did you have siblings?

Yes.

So my mom and dad have another child, my sister Emily, two years younger than me, but my

mom ended up getting remarried not too long after she got divorced, actually.

And she had three kids with that man, so you had half siblings, three of them and then

your younger sister who was two years younger than you.

So you and your sister were bouncing around, okay.

What was that like?

You have and your parents that are on the polar opposite side of the spectrum with your

mom with the mental health, then your dad, loving, caring, what was that like?

I mean, it messes kids up, you know?

My mom was very like emotionally mentally abusive when we were pretty young.

I took more of the abuse than my sister did.

It's that protective thing, right?

You want to protect your younger sibling.

And I just, I think what was going on was really affecting me and what happened after

that with school, you know, not being.

Not just school, just like the people was hanging around too.

I'm like searching for something that I'm not getting from, from home, but I don't know

really how to explain that in a better way, to be honest.

So what, what, I mean, you said your dad was loving.

What was it that you weren't getting at home and at what age did you kind of go out and

search elsewhere outside of the household?

Um, so middle school is when everything started.

When you have a lot of trauma happen, a lot of parts of your brain close, right?

Those doors close up.

And a lot of stuff happened when I was younger that I can't remember, but as I get more

sober, more sober time is under my belt, thanks just start opening.

And I'm like, Oh, my gosh, I forgot about that.

Oh, my gosh.

Before my sister will remind me of something I'm like, what?

That didn't happen.

And she's like, Oh, yeah, the cops were at the house and like, wow, I was like, um, but

my dad, you know, my dad remarried to and I have a step sister.

That house like my step mom is such a good mom like she is my mom.

I call her mom.

And she just loved us so, so much.

And they try to give us everything we needed.

Like not just like physical stuff, right?

Just love, like emotional love.

And I think what was going on at mom's house was putting up this wall with my dad too.

Like don't hug me.

You know, I just feel weird being hugged and in the love and I'm like, stop, you know.

Now I'm like, okay, you know, but yeah, my sister, I can't really remember, like,

too much with like what was really going on with her?

Because I was so caught up in myself and what I was going through, but middle schools

when it really started, I started hanging out with not good kids, kids that were coming

from bad homes and it was mostly boys I was hanging out with.

I didn't get along with women and I wonder why.

So I hung out with a lot of boys and that was when I first drank ever and I didn't like

it.

It was disgusting, but one of the kids, one of my friends, he, his mom, like, was always

at work.

So she was never home.

He's like, let's go skip school.

Let's go over there.

And we would always go over there.

And we would drink, but weed was like the big thing that we were doing in middle school.

So that was like the, what gateway drug they called, you know, started smoking high school

got worse where I was going to high school pills were huge.

Those perks at an oxys, they were huge in that town.

And I would experiment with that.

My mom ended up having surgery and she, I think she took maybe one or two of her pills and

didn't like the effects that were going on.

So she had them in her mirror and I remember going in and stealing one and then stealing

two.

I just keep going back and I was at school and I was in class.

And I took two and I wasn't, my body's not used to that.

And I was sick.

My teacher looked right at me and was like, you need to go to the nurse's office.

And I got sent home because I was like, I wasn't withdrawing or overdosing, but I was

like sick, sick, sick, sick.

So I thought that that maybe would have, you know, stopped me.

It didn't, it didn't.

So I kept doubling in that and I was meeting more people that were not good for me.

That's when I got into my first real relationship.

That was very abusive, very, very abusive.

It was, again, it starts with the emotional abuse and the mental abuse.

And then it turned physical, you know, we're in at our lockers and I'm getting slammed

up against my locker.

And that boyfriend ended up getting arrested at school because the teacher saw it.

And I still couldn't walk away from that.

I love him.

That's not love.

That's not love.

That's what we think it is.

That a really ship edited, you know, my parents tried to force that relationship to end

and that's not how it works.

You know, you can't force me to do anything.

So, but that's, that was the whole start of abusive relationships.

I went from one to another to another, always up until my husband now who is such a good

man, sweet, sweet man.

But yeah, after, you know, so the, the pills, not very much drinking through school.

It was early adult, 18 is when that started.

And I got involved in some stuff that was not good, that job that was not good.

So that's what we're going to call it.

Yeah.

So okay, you're 18, you're now mixing drinking in and you're doing oxys.

You're doing like real OCs.

Oh man, those things were fucking killer.

The OC 80s.

Oh, yeah, that brought me to my knees very quick.

I don't know how I'm not dead.

Yeah.

Honestly.

It's crazy because you were talking about your mom and she took one, didn't really

like them and then put them to the side.

I never understood that.

My parents were not drink drinkers or or addicts at all.

They have parents that are.

So it's like it jumped that generation straight to me.

My siblings don't use or drink either, really.

Your younger sister never had an issue with drugs or alcohol, really?

We together, dabbled in stuff.

I blame myself for pulling her into that life.

We were using like Molly together.

MDMA was a huge thing in part of my life.

But yeah, drinking together and using that for a while.

Yeah.

After that, she's done nothing.

So 18 years old, you do not go to college, you start working.

So I actually get pulled up high school and my mom signed me out.

She was pretty much over it with me.

I was skipping school.

I wasn't.

I didn't care.

I didn't care about school.

So she's like, you know what?

You don't care?

We're done.

We're done.

And she came and walked right into my high school and signed me out.

And she's like, you're getting a GED.

And I did.

I turned around.

Or it away.

And I wanted to go to school, like college and try to make something of myself.

But I was caught up in other things, always, you know, a relationship.

I got pregnant at 17 and yeah, I had my daughter at 18 and shortly after that got pulled into

a life that was very toxic.

Really quick.

Your daughter at 17, were you able to stop using during that pregnancy?

Okay.

So it was a problem, but you were able to say, okay, I'm pregnant now, I'm going to stop.

And then you had your daughter.

Yeah.

Okay.

What kind of lifestyle then do you get pulled into after that?

Well, I have her and I have post-prime depression so bad, so, so, so bad.

My parents had a step in my dad and my step mom.

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When I say parents, they had a step in and help.

I was living with them, but I was coming home at two, three o'clock in the morning.

I didn't want, I wanted, I was a kid having a kid.

I wanted to hang it with my friends and got back into the drinking thing after I had

her and dabbled a little bit and stuff.

I didn't go back to pills.

That was the end.

When I got pregnant, I didn't go back to pills at all.

I went into coke.

That was a huge thing.

I just couldn't give up for a long time.

And my mother, birth mother, was going through some stuff herself.

She had gotten divorced from the second husband.

That was a nightmare for her.

My relationship with her has always been up and down and very toxic.

It's like she pulls me back in, I let her be in my life and then she does something and

hurts me and I walk away.

Then it's the cycle over and over and over and over again.

So at that time, I'm 18 now, I'm close to 19 at this point when I let her back in my

life and she wants to help me.

She knows I have a kid and I need money and stuff and she's in a relationship with someone

that owns an escort company.

And again, I have not talked to her in a while.

So I don't know what's going on her life.

I don't know who she's dating, what she's doing.

And she's like, well, you know, I want to help you.

So I get pulled into that.

I get pulled into being trafficked basically, you know, sleeping with men for money.

And a lot of the time, I'm not really coherent.

I'm under the influence of stuff.

So it's not okay, obviously, it's not okay.

But I went from that finally getting away from that after a while to going right back

into that life lifestyle, I guess you want to call it, where I'm working clubs.

I'm working outside of clubs, you know, I'm bringing that work outside and that's when

drugs and I'll call you even worse, really bad.

I couldn't do any of those stuff sober.

I just could not get myself to do anything sober like that.

So I'm drinking and I'm drinking and I'm using drugs.

It's our would just the Coke a lot in the club to I'm using opiates here and there.

But yeah, I think that time I life is what like sparked that whole thing with the drinking.

My drinking didn't get too bad until the last year before I got sober.

That's when it was really bad.

When you were being trafficked and you were working for your mother's boyfriend's company,

were there any dicey situations that you were put in?

Oh, absolutely.

What was what was the craziest situation that you were in?

Um, this is hard.

Um, so this company was based out of Delaware.

I wasn't even, you know, where I lived.

So I went down there with her and she had a condo.

I don't know if she owned it or rented a condo down there and we were there.

And that's where a lot of that stuff was happening was at that place.

And um, basically she left me with that boyfriend at that house.

And it was pre planned basically.

Um, and he tried to rape me.

I don't know what the conversation was before that with her.

But he had her leave for a reason.

And what happened prior to me being able to escape that situation was just heinous.

Um, I was able to get away from him running, grab my phone off the bed and just run.

I had no shoes on.

I have like half clothes on and I'm just running and running and running till I get to where I can't run anymore.

It was like near water.

So there was a dog that went out.

It was pretty far run.

Um, and I'm calling her and I'm calling her and she's not answering and finally she answers like, what?

I'm like, crying like, you know, and she's just like stop crying.

Go back inside.

No.

What is wrong with you?

Oh my god.

Yeah.

I'm sorry you went through that.

Okay.

So you are working at the clubs.

The drinking is ramping up significantly.

Are you dabbling back with opiates or no, you're just doing more like coke.

More coke.

I think I used opiates like here and there.

Okay.

Because, you know, there was girls that were heavy into like heroin and stuff that were working in the clubs.

Yeah.

And, you know, I had a friend.

She was heavy into auctions.

So there was times where I'm just like, hey, you know, give me one.

Um, but coke and booze were huge for me to just even walk in there.

I'm like, drinking at home.

I'm like, all right, let's go to work now.

Um, and I started doing private parties for a company.

You know, they have companies that do private shows and I was doing that on the side.

Um, making more money than I was making in the club.

You know, how much could you make in a night doing private parties?

Over a thousand, I don't know, a thousand, two thousand cash.

Yeah, cash.

There was a night I make close to $5,000.

Yeah, that was a huge party.

So I was doing all kinds of.

So it's a fast cash.

And it makes it real easy to keep doing it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was addictive.

That right there is a drug.

And money is a drug right there.

You know, you get used to that.

And then it's like, I can't stop.

You know, I don't want a real job.

Well, I'm going to go make $20 an hour at no.

I'm going to go keep doing this, even if I'm suffering through it mentally.

You know, that really messes up your mental health.

Bad.

So.

How old are you at this point, roughly?

I'm 20.

Okay.

Now 20.

Okay.

So you continue your now, are you still in New Hampshire?

You're not going to Boston yet?

Or.

So around 21 is when I start going to Boston.

I start working in Boston at a huge club there.

I'm traveling at different places.

I'm traveling to Boston.

I'm traveling up to Portland, Maine.

I'm going to Vegas.

I'm going down to Miami.

I'm all over the place, you know, making money.

Because I'm meeting customers who are like, hey, let's go for the weekend.

And I just go make money out there, whether it's just with them for a couple days, you know,

getting paid a huge chunk of money.

Or I go out there and I'm dancing for a few days at a club.

So.

Yeah, there was a lot of money being made.

I think around, I did that for till I was 24.

So like 18 to 24, I danced on and off.

I got a real job in between and I was like, nope, can't do it.

So.

I wasn't paying off.

Yeah.

Went back, went back.

Who is watching your daughter during these trips and the late night, you know, working at the club?

My parents and her father.

Okay.

I have only my daughter at this time.

I have my son later on down the road.

Okay.

And you got along with with the father.

Okay.

Yeah.

That was a very toxic relationship.

Like.

Abusive.

Physically abusive.

But mostly like mentally and emotionally abusive.

It was just I, it made me crazy.

It really did.

You know, he had another kid with.

You got his both pregnant around the same time, actually.

So our daughters are, you know, six, seven months apart.

And that made me crazy.

Like that.

Because I'm young.

I'm 18, 19 years old.

And I'm just full blown psycho about it.

Now I suffer from mental illness.

Let's talk about that for a second.

How I'm unmedicated.

And.

I can't control my emotions.

So I'm taking it out on everyone around me.

And that just sparked something in me.

And there was a lot of like physical fights with.

His other baby mama.

Cops are involved multiple times.

Like.

Crazy.

It's like a Jerry Springer.

It was.

It was.

Mori and Jerry Springer.

All mixed into.

Yeah.

Yeah.

In New Hampshire.

In New Hampshire.

Who would have thought.

I know.

Okay.

So you're.

You're in the clubs until roughly 24.

What.

What do you do after?

I was so over it.

With how I wanted to end my life.

It like really made me depressed.

Because I was doing things that.

I'm not proud of.

And it just caught up to me.

So.

I was like, you know what?

I'm going to take the hit.

I'm going to just get a real job.

I end up moving in with my best friend at the time.

And.

She's like, just give me a hundred bucks a week.

So I got.

A job making $10 an hour.

How I survived off of that.

I don't know.

Because I didn't do any side jobs.

And.

Yeah, I lived with her.

And that's when I started hanging out with my husband.

You know, because we were friends.

So I started hanging out with him and then dating him.

And then I moved out of her house and with him.

And that's when I fell into dope.

You briefly talked about.

You know, you're looking for pills.

You went to him.

He couldn't get the pills.

But I got this.

It's the same thing.

No, it's not.

You end up doing it.

Did you start sniffing heroin?

Yeah, that's how I started prior to this.

You want me to go back to why I started using pills?

Sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So I was in.

Another relationship with another crazy person.

How old were you at this time?

23.

Okay.

Yeah, 23.

That's when I was.

I was going to like Vegas in Miami, too.

Not for dancing this time.

I'm going.

I'm like into the EDM.

Like going to shows.

I'm going all over the place for that.

And that's when I started dabbling in the MDMA bed.

Serotonin levels.

Non-existent.

For like a year.

So.

I'm like abusing my body.

I'm taking that.

I'm drinking a lot because I'm in my early 20s.

So I'm partying.

I'm in the clubs all the time.

My parents are taking care of my kid.

And I.

I'm abusing my body like I said.

So something's wrong.

You know, I know something's wrong with my body.

I feel.

Like it starts with like a UTI feeling.

And then I start getting pain in my back.

But I'm just covering up the pain with drinking.

I'm like, that will remove the pain.

So I'm drinking, drinking, drinking.

And now it's getting worse.

And I have plans to go down to Foxwoods.

And Connecticut.

With friends to go to a show.

So I'm like, I'm not missing this.

So I just drink through the pain.

I'm like getting sick.

I'm like throwing up on the side of the road driving down there.

And.

It's like waves.

It comes in waves.

Of pain.

So I'm at that.

Down wave where I'm like fine for a few hours.

I'm like, okay, I can do this.

We go.

I'm fine.

And like middle of being there.

I asked my friend.

Can I go up to your your hotel room and lay down?

And he's like, yeah, sure.

He gives me his key and I go and I lay down.

And they come upstairs after, you know, being at the club.

And I'm in one of the beds and just a pool of sweat is around me.

Like not normal sweat.

And so I get up and I moved over to our hotel finally.

And that pain starts kicking in again.

And I'm like, what is going on?

So I tried looking at the clock and it's so it's like three

clock in the morning.

I'm like, I'm not going to get in a car and drive right now back to New Hampshire.

And my friend goes all drive you in my car.

And my other friend drives my car back.

So it's now it's the morning times like eight o'clock.

And he's like, dude, you got to go to a hospital.

And I'm like, yeah, I need to.

I'm like, all right.

I didn't want to go to a hospital three hours away from home.

So I'm like, drive me back.

So he's driving me back.

And I'm like, I mean holding on to the seat, like almost ripping the interior

because I am in so much pain.

I am screaming.

He instead of driving me to the hospital,

drugs me off at my car.

So I get in the car and I'm like driving to the hospital.

And I get in there and they're like,

they bring me right out back.

They, you know, do the blood work in UA and everything.

They're like, oh, you have a kidney infection in the UTI.

We're going to give you some antibiotics and some pain meds.

So they give me that.

And yeah, I'm there for a few hours.

I give me fluids and they're like, are you good?

You can go home or send you home with some pain medicine and antibiotics.

So my ex-husband, my dad's father,

we had gotten married prior to this for a short period of time.

He comes and picks me up and goes, just come stay at my house.

Because I lived alone in an apartment.

And, you know, in the condition that I'm in,

it's probably best that I'm not alone.

So he brings me back to his house and puts me in his bed.

And this is where I have my first near death experience.

It was terrifying.

I go to hell.

I experience.

I mean, I can't even tell you how terrifying it was.

The smell, the feeling, what I saw was.

I know hell is real.

I do.

I know heaven and hell is real.

And I never want to go there.

And now that I look back on it,

I feel like God was trying to show me something.

Like the way you're living right now,

this is where you're going.

And I get like,

like come back and

he, my ex-husband takes my temperature.

It's 104.7.

Okay, I have to go back to the hospital.

Brings me back.

And they bring me right out back.

They're like, all right, we're admitting it was something is not right.

I, all my organs are failing.

They find out an hour into being at the hospital.

I have a blood infection.

It went from zero to 100 real quick.

So they admit me in the hospital, bring me upstairs.

They call my parents.

And I bring my parents there.

And the doctor brings them out in the hall as like your daughter's not going to make it tonight.

Yeah.

And they couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting better.

They're, because they're giving me every antibiotic you can think of.

And nothing's working.

Nothing.

And they're pumping me with pain medication.

Like more fiend and whatever else, because I am like in pain and pain and pain and pain.

So my parents call everybody they can think of.

And they're just praying and praying.

And with an hour, I turn around and everything just starts coming back.

That's God again.

What was it?

You're organs were failing.

You had a blood infection.

What ended up working?

Like what did they give you that ended up working for you?

They brought a disease and whatever specials from boss and they like flew this person right up.

And I don't know what they gave me.

Because I can't remember a lot of things that it's like blacked out in my head.

And I don't even remember that happening.

You know, I'm being told by my family that these are the things that have happened.

So I don't know what they gave me.

They gave me something and everything just started coming back.

My kidneys are starting to heal my liver.

Everything my heart was going.

I was abusing my body bad, bad, bad, bad prior to this.

But this was 2013.

2013.

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So, after I start getting better,

I mean, they're still pumping me with pain meds while I'm in the hospital.

I was there for a little while.

And they send me home with pain medication.

You know, a few refills of that.

And I have to go back to follow up my doctor and he looks at me.

He goes, you have to stop.

You are going to die if you do not stop drinking.

And I laugh in his face.

Because I'm like 22, 23 years old.

So I start laughing.

And I'm like, okay.

He screams at me.

He's like, I am not kidding.

I am not kidding.

Do you understand what just happened?

And I'm young.

I don't know.

I don't care.

I'm invincible, right?

So I think I may have stopped drinking for a little bit after that.

Well, I'm popping those pain meds like they're freaking candy.

And yeah, I got addicted and used to that.

And my sister in law, having surgery too, around that time.

So she got pain meds for her surgery.

And so it's like, I went down where she was living to Connecticut

to take care of her for a week.

And I'm just like, one for you.

One for me.

One for me.

Taking her pain meds.

Yeah.

So after that, I'm finding it from people.

And then I go to my now husband.

And I go, I need something.

And it's like, nope.

We don't have that.

So I get into heroin.

And I'm only sniffing it.

Like, I've never done it any other way.

You know, it's just like coke.

So sniff in it.

And it.

Turns into.

Is it enough?

I start ivy using.

And you can't go back after that.

It's a different type of feeling.

So.

What was the first time.

The first time you shot up.

What was that like?

Well, I'm pregnant at this time.

And using.

And it was.

Before it.

A different.

I better than pills.

Better than sniffing dope.

It's just.

I could not go back to any other.

I tried going back.

I was like, I can't do this anymore.

This is so bad.

Obviously using dope in general is bad.

But.

Yeah, after that, I was just like.

Hooked on that feeling.

And you never is the same after the first time.

But our ad brains are chasing that feeling, that first time feeling.

So.

After that.

Yeah, I was just using.

I overdosed one time when I was alone.

About pregnant.

No, I.

This is after I had.

Okay, you're already given birth.

Yeah, DC.

I actually was in our life.

They were contacted by the hospital.

And.

We had assigned our allies.

For the method on clinic is we're at the clinic.

And they want to check our drug tests.

And of course they come back in their.

Dirty.

And they sit us down and like you need to get clean.

Or we're going to home your son.

Now you usually how it works is they.

Rehome your children with family first.

They, you know, talk to your family.

And it goes from there.

So they contact my parents and my parents are like, yeah, we'll take him.

If.

We need to.

So I look on my house when I go, we need.

We can't do the same.

We're done.

We're done.

I'm not losing my son.

He's like, no, no, no, no.

So I just do.

Method on.

He says he's just doing method on the test.

Come back.

He's positive.

I'm negative.

And.

They're like.

We've told you, you know, so they give him an option.

You go to treatment, go to a detox and, you know, a treatment center.

And everything will be fine.

Now we have such a.

Toxic trauma bond.

Him and I and like codependency.

It's like sick.

Sick.

We can't.

I feel like my arms being ripped off being away from him at this point.

Him probably 10 times worse.

And he was just like, frying.

He's like, I don't want to be away from you and our son.

So he knows that's what he has to do.

He goes to a detox.

They get him and they only got him in because he was actually an alcoholic.

They would not.

The insurance would not pay for him to come off of.

Heroin.

And method on.

It was ridiculous.

It is ridiculous.

That was 10 years ago though.

Over 10 years.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, no, because we've been sober for.

A little over seven years.

Our son is eight.

Off of heroin.

Off of heroin.

Yep.

And he stayed sober that whole time.

After that.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

So.

So yeah, he goes to a detox.

Detox is off that worst thing ever.

I'm trying to talk.

I'm trying to talk to him on the phone while he's there.

And he's just like crying and sick.

And I feel so bad.

So.

I'm a genius.

And I'm like, I'm not done.

I'm not done.

While he was away.

Well, he was away.

And I don't have my son.

My son is up going to my parents house or his parents house for the week that he's gone.

Because probably because they don't trust me to have my son.

And I like, I'm not done and I use and.

I go.

Sleepy sleep.

Um, and that's when I like experienced.

Heaven.

You know, it was so beautiful.

You overdosed.

Yeah.

It was very, very quick.

My friend.

Ended up coming over.

So no plans for anybody to come over the house.

I'm by myself.

I don't have plans with anybody.

My door's unlocked.

I don't know that.

She comes over, walks to my door, looks straight through my house and sees me.

Playing on my bed.

A weird way.

And brought me back.

And.

That was the last day I use.

I was like, I'm done.

I do not want to die.

And I was like, all right.

I'm also done with methadone.

I was so over.

I gained so much weight.

It was wild.

Like wild.

How much weight.

I gained from methadone.

And I'm like, I'm done with this.

I don't want to live this life anymore.

So I go to the clinic.

I go, I'm done.

Drop five milligrams a day until I hit like 30 and left.

Did not feel very good for a little bit, but.

I had some comfort meds because I was getting.

Prescribed Gabby pet in and out of van at the time for.

Other reasons.

So I had that to get me through it.

But.

My husband was supposed to go to.

He had a treatment center after that.

And he ended up leaving detox before.

He was even finished.

Because he just could not be away from me.

And he did like an outpatient for like maybe two weeks.

And it was done.

He was he has been picked up since.

And that was what seven and a half years ago.

So like 2018 ish.

Yeah.

Call it.

Okay.

So you put heroin down.

You're obviously sober.

You're coming up on two years.

What happened in that five year?

Were you drinking?

What were you doing during that time?

Uh.

Coke became a thing again.

And so.

D.C.Y.F.

Close the case.

We have our son.

But we're still doing stupid stuff.

You did coke.

You're drinking.

My drinking was not bad at that point.

I was like, oh.

Some years before it got bad.

Like I said, the last few years was bad, bad, bad.

And then the year going into treatment.

I was just.

Not me.

I started using smoking crack.

I'm smoking meth.

These are things that I said I would never do.

And I actually, I had a neighbor who was a crack head.

And so that's where it all started was smoking with him.

I would get too drunk, right?

I would get drunk and I want to come down from it.

So I feel like Frank, I need some crack.

So I'd smoke that.

Come down from being too drunk.

But then I'm too high on cracks.

I'm like trying to level it out.

The meth thing ended up having because of my uncle.

My mother's brother.

I went and visited him and my grandmother.

He's living with my grandmother.

And I went and visited him.

And he was into math, which I knew, right?

So this is a whole manipulative Christine thing coming in.

Because I knew that he was doing it.

And I wanted to get high.

So I kind of manipulated him into giving it to me.

He's like, I can't do that.

I can't have morals or anything.

I did it.

And I was like, this is fire.

Loved it.

Didn't like the taste of it, but liked that feeling.

And I rode that meth train for a little bit.

I was hiding it from my husband.

Hiding smoking crack and meth from him.

How do you hide that from your husband?

I don't.

Meth you're like off the wall.

You know, he, I didn't smoke meth when I was home or going home.

I'd like stay at my grandmother's house or friends house when I was doing that.

Yeah.

But I did go and hang out with a friend one time and did end up sniffing some meth.

And I was out of control.

Like came home.

And I'm like, I need to sleep.

I took a sleeping pill.

It was like a horse pill tranquilizer.

And knocked me out on the couch.

I remember him coming out and he was so pissed at me.

Because when I was out all night and came home, wasn't talking to him.

And he finds me on the couch like dead asleep.

And I remember him trying to get me up off the couch.

And I'm like, oh, like trying to talk.

I hear him.

I see him.

But I cannot talk at all because of this pill.

So I just slept it off.

The meth run I was on that those two days.

And I don't think I dabbled in that after that.

That was like, I was done after that.

Cracked, though, it lasted up until I went to treatment on and off.

I would smoke.

But I don't know how I hit it from him.

I honestly think that he knew he just doesn't say anything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I don't take us through the last few months before you ultimately gets over.

And how do you get sober?

So I, my, I'm so bad at this point where I'm waking up and like leaning over and drinking before I can even get out of bed.

I'm shaking.

I am sick.

I cannot function without alcohol.

So I'm drinking before going to work.

I'm drinking at work.

I'm drinking after work.

I'm drinking till I go to sleep.

Drinking, drinking, drinking.

My husband knew when it came like when it was at the end and didn't say anything.

Because he just, he knew I was addicted to it.

Like I'm physically dependent on this and I will die if I stop drinking.

If I just stop drinking.

So I'm drinking so bad.

And again, want to just take my life.

I am over this feeling.

I'm over having to depend on a substance to get me through a day to function at work.

I was working in aerospace at this time.

No degree.

I get into this job.

I start, you know, down here and I work my way up into production, running a production part of the company.

And I think my boss knew that I was drinking, but didn't say anything because I was so good at my job.

And I had to go to them.

HR and my boss sit down with them and say, I need help.

I need to go somewhere.

And I was crying.

And they're like, absolutely.

So.

What was keeping me from going to treatment in general?

Because it was like the months of wanting to just die was money.

I had great insurance.

Could not afford the deductible.

My deductible is $5,000.

I'm an alcoholic.

I don't have $5,000 sitting around.

So this is where I just go, OK, I guess this is just how my life is going to be.

You know, I'm just going to die in alcoholic.

And I talked to my parents.

My parents were, you know, looking to helping me look.

And it was the same thing every place.

OK, after you pay your deductible, after you pay, I just was hopeless.

And I get all my needs in the middle of the night, everyone's sleeping.

And I just go, God, either take me or help me.

Like, I'm crying.

And I'm like, please, please, please, please.

And I fall. See, I have like two bottles of pills.

I'm, I'm planning on taking these pills and drinking what I had in front of me.

And just goodbye.

I wake up to my parents calling me and, you know, they're like crying.

And they're like, mom and, mom and me are going to pick you up.

We're going to pay for treatment.

And I was like, OK, so I pack up the next day.

And I'm obviously drinking through it.

And they picked me up.

My dad walks in the door and he is crying.

Crying happy crying because he knows his daughter is dying is literally killing herself.

And he just wants her back.

And my parents, you know, drive me up.

My husband comes with us.

And again, as I said, we are so go dependent.

It was very, very hard.

I get out of that car once we pull up.

And I'm like, crying.

And he's crying.

And I'm like, I can't do this.

You know, I'm changing my mind.

I'm changing my mind at this point.

Like, I don't want to do this.

He shouldn't have went.

I know.

I know I've been there.

I went away married.

And it was a disaster.

Yeah.

It was bad.

Because he's still an active addiction.

Remember this.

He's.

He's abusing my Adderall.

I had an Adderall prescription.

We're both abusing that.

So he's abusing that.

He's drinking.

And this was two years ago.

Yeah.

OK.

So he stopped the heroin.

When you stopped heroin.

Got it. Got it. Got it.

He got sober before me because he went to detox.

Got it.

So.

So, but then he's using Adderall drinking here in the.

OK.

Yeah.

So I'm going off treatment.

He's going home to still do what he's doing.

Yeah.

Not good.

My time in treatment was so up and down because of what was going on at home.

I was so focused on all the outside things instead of focusing on me.

Because I was taking care of everybody.

I had a good job.

I'm paying for the rent.

I'm paying our bills.

I'm taking care of everything.

And I'm well, they need me work needs me.

My kids need me.

Everything is, you know, that's all where my head is at.

And he made me feel bad about being in treatment.

I only plan on staying 30 days like we all do.

We're like, I'm only doing 30 days.

30 days turned in too longer.

So that's where he got mad.

It was, you're abandoning me or your son for staying.

It all selfishness.

And he, well, he says to this day, he's like, I was, he apologized to me later on down the road.

Like, I am so sorry that I made you feel that way.

I was scared.

I was selfish for saying these things.

Because he didn't know what was going to come out of this, like me getting sober.

Because it changes everything.

It changes your mind, how you think, how you feel.

So I ended up staying longer.

I ended up doing the whole thing, PHP, IOP.

And I swore up and down, I'm not doing sober living.

I'm not doing sober living.

Well, that changed.

My peers are what like really actually pushed me to do it.

They were like, you need to go to sober living.

Because I know from me, I need accountability and structure.

That's what I needed to say sober.

So I went to sober living after that.

I spent a total of 10 months in sober living.

Three of which I was a resident.

And then I was asked to manage one of the women's houses.

So I took over that.

I learned so much, so much.

And all these things have just built me up to the person I am.

When I was in treatment, I told you I was struggling with God.

And that place opened my eyes.

I saw.

I don't know how to explain it.

It makes me very emotional.

God was always there.

But that's where I like let him back in.

I was there.

I wrote a fourth step while I was there.

And now that I'm on the other side,

and I'm teaching these things to these clients,

I say, be honest, be thorough in this fourth step,

or you will not have a spiritual experience.

I didn't have a spiritual experience because I lied.

I was dishonest in my writing.

I left things out because I didn't want to talk about it.

Things about my mother.

Things about other trauma I had experienced.

I didn't have enough of it all out.

So I didn't get to experience that spiritual experience.

It wasn't till I left treatment.

I was in sober living.

I had an awesome sponsor.

I still she's still my sponsor to this day.

And.

She said we're going through the big book again.

We're writing another fourth step.

And I was like.

You.

I was so mad.

First person on that list of resentments.

I'm like, I just wrote one.

She goes, we're going to do this again.

It's like almost like she knew that I was dishonest.

So we wrote another fourth step together.

And it took me a while.

Because I'm out in the real world now.

I'm not in this bubble where I have all the time in the world to write.

I have a job.

I have a house on managing.

So it took me a while.

I also kept making excuses and putting it on the back burner.

But.

I she had me go deep.

She had me do extended this.

Extended that where I was really putting stuff in there.

And it came time to read and I read and I felt this thing come over me.

Just come over me.

And I just cried when I had that hour with God.

Cried.

She told me I want you to sit with your character defects one by one.

I don't want you to say God remove my character defects.

I want you to sit with these.

Take them in.

And really swallow this.

And I did.

And I.

There are some character defects.

I'm not willing to give up right now.

You know.

For one reason or another.

But there are some that I noticed today that are just gone.

And it's.

You know, one of them.

I was driving one day and I saw something and remind me of it.

I'm like holy crap.

I have not thought about that.

And I don't even know how long.

And that's how I know like that was removed.

God removed that from me completely.

I really big one that I struggled with was cheating.

Cheating and lust.

A long time.

And I'm done with that.

I'm done.

So now I'm back with my family.

After a year and a half of not living with them.

I actually went from sober living to my own apartment.

Because I wasn't ready to live with my family.

I wasn't ready to move back in with my husband.

He had some things go happen in between that whole time.

I think sobriety kind of woke me up to some stuff that.

I was like, do I actually want to be married?

You know, I second guess that whole thing.

And I told him I said, I'm going to get an apartment.

And I think that we need to grow individually so we can come back together.

If that's God's plan.

And that's exactly what happened.

I was patient.

And I let God do his thing.

And he has blessed me so much since that like over and over and over.

He has blessed me with a new job.

You know, the house that's that I live in now, brand new car.

I asked God to take everything from me.

I asked him to take my apartment, take my car, take my job.

Take everything from me.

And he did.

He listened.

And I was upset at the time.

And then I had to remind myself, I asked for this.

And he took it and he gave it all back times 100.

So that's another reason why I'm like, God is real.

You know, and the promises are real when we read about that.

So yeah, I'm back with my family.

And it's been.

It's been great.

You know, my husband and me are in therapy together.

Trying to rebuild our relationship, our marriage.

That's been good.

Are you guys living back together now?

Yeah.

That's amazing.

How long have you guys been living back together?

A few months.

Um, we, I moved up to Maine where he's, uh, he ended up.

So when I decided to go sober living, he could not afford our apartment in New Hampshire.

Um, so he was kind of forced to just.

And then he changed his life, uh, and went and moved up to Maine to stay with his dad.

And that's where he just stayed.

And I went back and forth and I had like, do I really want to move my whole life to Maine?

I liked where I was living.

And, uh, God just was doing some things in my life that it ended up working out that way.

So.

For you to take a step back after you got out of your doing PHP, inpatient, all that.

And then you got the apartment on your own and approached your marriage with, okay,

let's grow individually and come together.

Like in the moment, I know from other situations, not identical to yours, but I want what I want now.

I just wanted to work.

We'll force it.

Right?

We'll put the, the round peg in a square hole, whatever it is.

You know, we'll get, we'll make it work.

And for you to have the patience, bring God and trust God that God has your best intentions.

And it makes it all worthwhile.

I have zero patience.

That's one thing.

I can't please help me.

Um, no, he's definitely helped me with patients.

Uh, yeah, I was very patient because, you know, I was managing that sober house, like I said,

and I ended up getting let go from there.

And that, that whole thing triggered something where I almost, uh, relapse over.

It did not end very well.

And I was like, I have no purpose, like all these things.

I'm calm, I sponsor and I'm like, I'm done.

I'm done.

She, she walked me through that.

And she's like, let's pray through this.

You have to lean into God.

And I was like, blah, blah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

And I did.

I just hit my knees and I was praying.

And my friend was like, let me text my landlord.

She texts her landlord.

She's like, I don't have anything open, but I'll put her on the waiting list.

The next day, she calls, she goes, something just fell through.

Do you want to come look at this apartment?

I'm like, yeah.

I looked at it and was like, I'll take it.

Like, what is happening?

You know, like one door closed, another door opened in a time where like, I thought,

I don't know where I'm going to go because I wasn't ready to move back on my husband.

And I just felt like I had no purpose.

Like, I'm helping these women.

Now, what am I going to do?

You know, I did have a job, obviously, but this was a huge part of my life.

My, I know that God has a purpose for me.

You know, working in treatment is just part of it.

I want to be the voice of women that have suffered through some of the same things I have.

Trafficking, drugs, all these things that I've been through.

I want to help be the voice.

You know, I want to get it out because we don't talk about it really.

You know, it's very, it's, they're, they're walking around with that shame and that guilt.

So many people don't want to talk about how they are sober.

They kind of hide it from people and I am like screaming it.

I'm, you know, I don't, I'll talk about to anybody though.

Listen, I will talk about God to anybody that will listen.

He is so important.

Jesus is my Lord and Savior.

And I will preach that at anywhere I can.

And I, he's, God's open some doors for me that I'm like, I wonder where this is going.

You know, where I'm at right now is not the end.

There's something else coming.

So buckle up.

That's what I'm doing.

Yeah.

Well, you are a miracle.

You face death a couple times.

The shame and the guilt that you just talked about.

It just, it keeps people out there for so long and a lot of people feel like others can't relate.

Like I did something so bad.

And then they start to believe that they're a horrible human being.

And they're not.

We make mistakes.

We do, we do shit.

We do shit.

But you can rewrite those wrongs.

And I want to ask your 17 year old and your eight year olds, how are they doing today?

Great.

I mean, my 17 year old daughter, she's lived with her dad the entire time.

When I was in active addiction and living closer to her, she was bouncing back and forth between dad and me, dad and me.

And when I went to treatment, obviously she was just with dad and it just ended up staying that way because I decided to go into sober living.

I decided to get my own apartment.

I decided to go up to Maine.

Like we see each other, but not as often as I want.

She's getting older.

I miss things.

I've missed a lot in her life.

And that's another thing I felt guilty for is like missing prom and missing things in her relationship.

Like not being that parent that picked up the phone during some times that she really need me because I was selfish.

And I was worried about myself.

That was it.

My daughter spent through some things herself.

My daughter got pregnant.

Last year.

And didn't end up having a baby, but that was something that I went through with her.

She I was the first person she called.

She wanted mom.

And I was there and I walked her and held her hand through this entire thing.

You were sober at this point.

And I was sober.

Yeah.

And that's something when I think about like, how would I have handled that if I was using or drinking?

I don't know.

Being sober and handling that might my sponsor.

She was like, oh, good job.

The way I handled that, you know, I could have been like a complete psycho over like, what are you doing?

But instead I was like, you made a mistake.

I got pregnant at 17.

But I did not want her to go through the same things.

I've gone through, you know, I tried to shield her from some things, but she also is at the age where she's going to make her own decisions.

And I can't stop that.

So, you know, she's driving.

She's graduating high school.

She's going into a nursing program.

She's doing things.

And I'm so proud of her.

So she's such a beautiful, beautiful person inside it out.

How is the relationship with your parents?

Is your mom still in the picture?

No.

I stopped talking to her.

She ended up moving down here to Florida.

She's.

This is this is another God thing.

Okay.

I wash my hands clean of it.

And one day I'm at work and Facebook notification pops up on my phone.

It's her adding on Facebook.

I have her numbers blocked, you know, I didn't block her on social media, but I had blocked her numbers so she can't get hold of me.

So that pops up and I go, okay, I'm like, what is this?

Assign like to like move on from this now.

So I don't even touch her.

I keep her in purgatory.

That's what I call it.

Purgatory on Facebook.

I don't add her.

And a few days go by and it pops back up.

She like, undid it and then did it again.

So pop back up.

And I go, okay, all right.

Is this is this a sign, God?

I'm like, so I talked to my sponsor about it.

I talked to like a couple of friends.

It's like, you know what?

What's going to is it just add her.

You don't have to talk to her.

So that's exactly what I did.

I just I added it in that day.

She posted something about me like immediately.

It was like happy daughter's day.

I think it was like national daughter's day on that day.

Surprise, surprise.

So she post a really nice picture of me and wrote something really beautiful.

And I saw it.

And I was like, you know, I didn't say anything to her.

I still haven't said anything to her.

But I have forgiven her after that.

Something came over me.

I was like praying about it.

And it was like a voice.

It's just like it's time to move on.

I was like, I'm not going to talk to her forever.

And forgiving people is a really hard thing for me.

You know, you do me wrong.

I can cut you off and never speak to you again.

That is the type of person I have been.

And I've actually done it to like two of my best friends 15 years friends cut them off.

Never talked to him again because they're still an active addiction.

And I just don't want anything to fall like I don't want to be in that.

some things and I'm just like, hmm, almost that. So yeah, I mean, we have to forgive people

infinite times. Like that's what God wants. He doesn't want us to forgive people seven times,

you know, like Peter, Jesus disciple, Asim. What do you want me to forgive him? Sometimes, no,

seventy times, seven times, infinite times. So that is how I'm living life now is that I'm forgiving

people. Why am I going to hold on to that? That's another thing that keeps people sick is,

is a resentment. I'm letting it go. So next step is is talking or, you know, heal that relationship

if there ever was. I don't really think that there ever has been a relationship with her. It's

just been chaos. It's all has been herself. You ever see videos of like courtrooms where a mom

of, you know, her son was murdered and then she turns to the killer and says, I forgive you.

It's like, how could they fucking do that? But they do it so that they are free. They set

themselves free from the resentment. And you did that with your mom. You're living free today.

And for alcoholics, addicts, we can't hold on to those resentments. I mean, if you want to let

it sit for a little bit, sure, go ahead, but you have to read, you have to get rid of it.

You have to set yourself free from that, that resentment or it will eat you alive.

And it will consume a lot of space in your head on a daily basis.

Agreed.

So I want to thank you for coming on, coming down from Boston. Your story is powerful. And

it's going to help a lot of people appreciate the vulnerability. And also too, let's just wrap up

with saying that, you know, with your mom, your parents did the best that they could. And I know

you see that. Yeah, I do. And, you know, from what they were taught when they were kids by their

parents, different people have different ways of showing love. And, you know, they did the best

that they could. And yeah, I actually what what they went through. Yeah, my mom went through a

lot of trauma herself. And I think that just kind of spilled over. Yeah. Well, thank you again

for coming on. And yeah, I appreciate you taking time. Thank you so much.

Ryan Reynolds here from Midmobile, the message for everyone paying Big Wireless way too much.

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see full terms at midmobile.com. Hey, this is Kevin Lanning and you're listening to Rise

above. In this podcast, I talk with people who face life's toughest challenges, addiction,

trauma, anxiety, depression and everything in between. Each guest shares their journey through

dark times and the practical steps they took to rebuild their lives. Rise above isn't just about

the struggles, it's about the solutions. You'll hear stories of resilience and recovery that will

inspire you to overcome your own challenges and take control of your life.

Tune in to Rise above on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts,

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