Jack Benny - Charlies Aunt

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over any other brand. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Venny with very living

son Phil Harris Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Venny has just returned from his stay in Palm Springs. So let's go

out to Jack's house in Beverly Hills. It's morning and we find Rochester in the kitchen.

I'm overlooking a sink full of fish. That I over looked away. That spoons and their saucers

entered on the board. Good morning, good morning Rochester. Oh good morning boys. Did you have a

nice night? Oh pretty good Rochester but did you know I had a difficult time falling asleep.

I counted 3,000 sheep. 3,020 to be exact. Was it that many? Yeah and for us tonight when

you're going to bed, why don't you take a little field? No Rochester, I prefer to count sheep.

I know but I feel so silly putting on that white coat and jumping back and forth over your bed coat.

Rochester if I can toss them turn you can jump a little. Now pardon me some coffee.

Okay just a minute boys. Why'd you pull down the shade?

In case Mr. Coleman looks out of his window I don't want him to see you. Oh yes yes he's still

mad about my losing his Oscar isn't it? Mad yesterday came over and got one of our lawn mowers.

Well that's all right. I know but he won't have his lawn before he put the flag down on the meter.

She rocks us here if Mr. Coleman finds out I'm back from Palm Springs no telling what he'll do

but I have to go to the studio. How am I going to get out of the house without him seeing me?

Well let me see. I know. What? Get down on all fours I'll throw the bearskin rubbed over and

lead you out of the house on the leash. No no that wouldn't work. Now suppose he comes over to pet me.

I'll leave the muzzle off so you can bite him. I probably break my tooth on this gargard silly

but I got to get out of the house without Mr. Coleman seeing me. Say boss I know what you can do.

What? You've still got your old Charlie's ant costume why don't you put that on?

Say that's a wonderful idea. If I'm dressed like a woman he won't recognize me. That's a

you take it Rochester I'll go in and put on my Charlie's ant costume. Yes sir. Mr.

Benny's resident star of stage screen radio and we'll accept the nomination for any party that'll

let him rent out rooms in the hide house. Hello Rochester this is Miss Livingston.

Oh hello Miss Livingston. How did you enjoy your two-week stay in Palm Springs?

Oh wonderful Rochester I was on the golf course with Mr. Benny every day.

I know and Mr. Benny said you owed him four dollars and thirty-five cents.

That's right. I didn't know he could beat you. He didn't beat me he catted for me.

Oh by the way Rochester how does Mr. Benny feel now? Much better but when he got home from Palm Springs

he was green. What made him so sick? Well he stopped at an orange juice stand that said all you

can drink for ten cents and we had a roll them back in the car.

Oh so that's what it was. He woke me up when he came sloshing into the house.

Well Rochester please tell Mr. Benny that I'll pick him up in a few minutes I'm

my way down to this studio. That'll be fine Miss Livingston but with your mind waiting for him

down the corner. On the corner why? Mr. Benny will explain it to you when he sees you.

All right Rochester goodbye. Goodbye.

Are you decent boss?

Yeah come on in.

Rochester how do I look at my Charlie's am costume?

Well let me see you've got the wig on straight and your curls tumble down over your forehead

in the tan-lizing manner. Thank you thank you. Your mascara is just heavy enough to accentuate

the blue in your eyes. Good good. Your lips have the red glow of a summer sun as it slowly sinks

into the peaceful vicinity.

Well and your uh oh what's the matter you better pull up your shoulders straps

your hair on your chest is showing.

Oh nobody'll notice that when I wear my shawl oh my goodness what time is I better get

started for the studio. I told Miss Livingston to pick you up on the corner.

Well that's a good idea. Yeah I hope nobody recognize me.

Rochester to this dress really make me look like a woman.

Boss if this was Mother's Day you'd be lousy with flowers.

Good good. So long Rochester.

Goodbye.

Hmm a little chilly and glad I wore the shawl.

A pretty girl is like a melody.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

See if I pass Georgia Jessel I'm dead.

But it'll be interesting.

Well as soon as I get Mary's car I'll take off this dress.

Oh oh oh my goodness.

Here comes Ronald Coleman walking this way.

I just put down my head across the street.

She, that was close.

Better be careful, lady.

May I help you across the street?

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

But I can manage by myself.

Well, then let me take your arm.

Well, all right.

Am I walking too fast for your mother?

No, no.

Well, here we are across the street.

Yes, now. Now watch the curb. Up to the day, is it?

Thank you. Thank you very much, Mr. Coleman.

Oh, you recognize me?

Yes, yes. Now I have to...

Would you like my autograph?

Oh, not now. I'm in a hurry.

So, only take a minute.

I'm sorry, but I don't have a pencil or a paper.

I really have.

Oh, I don't need pencil and paper.

I have them written out on little cards.

Well, you know the demand has been quite heavy lately.

Oh, although I'll take one.

No, take two. Give one to your husband.

Thank you. He's dead.

Give me three.

By the way, Madam, am I the first movie star you ever met?

Well, no, no. I once met Charles Ferrell, star of 7th Heaven.

Charlie Ferrell, no, no. Must have been before my time.

Yes.

Well, thanks again, Mr. Coleman. You're my favorite Oscar.

I mean, actor.

What was it?

Goodbye, goodbye.

Gosh, that was a narrow escape.

I don't know how much longer I could have held out.

There's a fly under my wig.

I'll get him.

I'll comb him out later.

Now, let me see. Rochester said that Mary would pick me...

Oh, here's Mary's car over there.

I beg your pardon, Madam, but I'm...

Mary, it's me. It's me.

Oh, for Heaven's sake, Jack. What are you doing in that outfit?

I had to put it on so I could sneak out of the house

without Ronald Coleman recognizing me.

It's a good thing I did, too, because I bumped into him.

Well, I just saw Ronnie, too.

Oh, my good. If he saw you, he'll be sure to know that I'm around.

Oh, he didn't see me, Jack. He just walked by the car

and threw his autograph for the back seat.

The back seat?

Oh, yeah, here it is. Well, what do you know?

This one has glue on it so you can stick it on your windshield.

Come on, Mary, let's go.

Jack, you're not going to the studio.

Dress is Charlie's aunt, are you?

No, no, Mary. I have my suit on underneath.

I'll slip the dress off while you're driving.

No, no, Jack. Don't take it off.

I want to remember you just the way you are.

What?

The way your curls tumble down over your forehead

in a tantalizing manner.

Say Rochester said the same thing.

And your mascara is just heavy enough

to accentuate the blue of your eyes.

That's funny. He said that, too.

And your lips have the red glow of the summer sun,

slowly sinking into the La Brea Tar Pit.

Mary.

I bet he didn't think of that one.

No, no. Come on, let's hurry the studio.

I can't get this dress off before we get there.

We will.

Jack, I'm going into my dressing room.

Call me when you start to rehearse.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Oh, there's Mel Blank.

Hello, Mel. Hello, Jack.

Are you going to use me on your show today?

No, no, Mel.

I spent too much money in Palm Springs.

Maybe next week, huh?

So long, Mel. So long.

Is the event all, folks?

He's a clever guy.

It's a shame he won't work cheaper.

Oh, how about it?

I get Jackson long time no see.

Oh, hello, Phil.

Hey, Jack.

Let me look at you.

You know, you're staying Palm Springs.

Did you like it good?

You're two inches taller.

What?

You're taller.

I forgot to take off these high heel shoes.

But Phil, low kidding.

I sure missed you on our last two shows.

I know.

What?

You need me, Jackson.

You need me.

What do you mean?

I got big laughs, didn't I?

You got laughs, but there was something missing.

You know, your program without me is like a Persian rug.

It looks good, but it just lays there.

Phil.

Look, Jackson, you tried it without me for two weeks.

Now, have you learned your lesson?

What?

If you can't take the talent with you,

stay where the talent is.

Phil.

Phil.

Shrinking violet.

Look.

How can you possibly be so egotistical?

I ain't egotistical, Jackson.

I just say if you got an effervescent personality,

let it fit.

Let it fit.

And if that doesn't stop the air conditioning, nothing will.

Phil, listen, we got a very important show,

so let's get started with the rehearsal.

Okay, if you wait a minute, Jackson,

I want to go in and run over Dennis' song with him.

Okay, I'll come along with you.

Come on.

All right, all right, all right, man.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Let's run through Dennis' number once more.

All right, come on.

There was a boy, a very strange and chatted boy.

They say he wandered very far, very far,

over land and sea.

A little shy and sad a while,

but very wise was he.

And then one day a magic day he passed my way.

And while we spoke of many things,

fools and kings, this he said to me.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just love

and be loved in return.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just love

and be loved in return.

Well, I was very, very good, Dennis.

That song sounded swell.

Thanks, Mr. Benny, but I think the orchestra should have played it

with just a little more rhythm.

I guess you're right, Dennis.

Oh, Phil.

I'll take care of it.

Hey, fellas.

When we do the number on the show,

played a little bit more pistachio.

That pizzicato, the pistachio.

When we give you the wrong word, you can't pronounce it.

Hey, Dennis.

Dennis.

Hey, Dennis.

What time, Dennis, what?

Hey, Dennis.

What time did you get home from Palm Springs Sunday night?

No, I didn't get home Sunday.

I got home late Wednesday and almost missed my own show.

But you left Palm Springs Sunday night.

What took you so long?

Did you car break down?

No, but I ran into a lot of traffic in Salt Lake City.

Salt Lake City.

Dennis, why did you go from Palm Springs to Los Angeles

by the way of Salt Lake City?

I wanted to avoid the traffic light and banning.

Well, that's logical.

But that wasn't the only reason.

Well, I also wanted to break in my new car.

My mother gave it to me for my birthday.

Hey, congratulations, kid. When was your birthday?

Last week, and I had a swell party too.

Refreshments and dancing in games like Post Office.

Wow, wow. Who was there?

Just me.

Just you, Dennis.

How could you dance and play games all by yourself?

It's done with mirrors.

Oh, fine.

Me having two shows I can understand, but this kid's a mystery.

Dennis, why don't you?

Hey, Jack.

Oh, hello, Dennis.

Oh.

Wow. How you living?

You ravishing gorgeous one, you.

Hello, Bill.

Say, Jack, the drug star just sent back the pictures

we took in Palm Springs.

Oh, good, good.

Let's take a look at them.

Here's the picture of me taking near the pool in my bathing suit.

Hey, let me see that, Livy.

Here.

Well, scatter, hoo, scatter, hey.

Oh, say, that's really a gorgeous bathing suit.

Oh, it's nothing.

That he can see.

Believe me.

And Bill, here's what a Jack and his bathing trunks.

Let me have a figure that.

Oh, no.

No.

Oh, no.

No.

What do you laugh about?

You look like a spider with four legs, man.

All right, Phil, you can stop fizzing.

Hey, Mary, can I see that picture of Mr. Benny?

Yeah, yeah, Dennis.

Gee.

I don't know what Phil was laughing at.

Thanks, kid.

For a spider, you look pretty good.

Well, I don't know whether you fellas are kidding me or not.

Hey, Jack, we better start rehearsing.

We go in the air pretty soon.

Yeah, let's get going, Jackson.

The music's already good.

And now, hey, wait a minute.

Where's Don?

Oh, Don.

Oh, here I am, Jack.

Well, Don, it's getting kind of late and we have to...

Don.

Where's you, Stan?

Oh, I always look like this.

Well, look, Don.

We've got practically everything ready, but the quartet.

Did you rehearse them?

Oh, yes, Jack.

I've got a great surprise for you.

A surprise?

Yes. For weeks now, your quartet's been rehearsing an operatic number,

but they needed a soprano for the lead.

Uh-huh.

So I took the liberty of asking Dorothy Kirsten to come over and join them.

Well, I think it was very Dorothy Kirsten.

You don't mean Dorothy Kirsten of the Metropolitan Opera?

Yes, Mr. Benny, and here I am.

Wow, Miss Kirsten, this is indeed an honor and a great privilege

having an operatic star like you on my program.

Thank you, Mr. Benny.

Coming from a violinist of your reputation,

I consider that quite a compliment.

Well, thinking of my violin playing,

I really shouldn't take too much credit for a talent that comes naturally.

Some talent.

Your father used to tie a flat iron on the end of your bow

so you could practice the violin and press pants at the same time.

Merry, please.

Oh, Miss Kirsten, this is Mary Livingston.

How do you do, Miss Livingston?

How do you do?

And this is Dennis Day.

Hello, Dennis. Glad to know you, Miss Kirsten.

Dennis, you must be very proud to be associated with a man

of Mr. Benny's stature and importance.

In a bathing suit, he looks like a spider.

Mr. Day.

He's such a kid.

Oh, Miss Kirsten, I wanted to tell you

that I saw you in Madame Butterfly Wednesday afternoon,

and I thought your performance was simply magnificent.

Well, thanks. Thanks, awfully.

It's not an awfully nice and kind of you, Mr. Wilson.

But who could help singing, Puccini?

It's so expressive, and particularly in the last act,

starting with the Allegro Viva Tisimo.

Well, that's being very modest, Miss Kirsten,

but not every singer has the necessary Bel Conto

and flexibility or range to cope

with a high testitura of the first act.

Thank you, Mr. Wilson.

And don't you think that in the area in Bel Viva Dremel

that the strings played the conmultipasyone exceptionally fine

and with great sostenendo?

Well, I thought...

Oh, shara!

Mary, that's not cricket.

Now, I was only trying to be sociable, that's all.

She, Miss Kirsten, I wish my mother was here.

She'd enjoy meeting you. She's a singer, too.

Oh, is your mother a soprano or Contralto?

She's a baritone.

Dennis, please.

Miss Kirsten, as I understand it,

you're going to sing a number with my quartet.

Is that right?

Yes, we rehearsed all week. Didn't we, boys?

Well, this is really a big event on my show, Miss Kirsten.

I'm certainly thrilled having you, but pardon me.

Don. Don, step over here a minute, will you?

Don, how much is Miss Kirsten?

I mean, how much is she going to charge me?

Well, lean over, Jack. I'll whisper it to you.

See, she gets more than meld blank.

Well...

Mr. Benny, I hope you're not concerned about the financial arrangement.

Oh, no, no. That is, I'm not worried for myself.

I'm worried about the rest of my cast.

Take a cut, you know.

Miss Kirsten, what number have you and the boys prepared?

The quartet from Rigoletto.

Oh, well, that should be wonderful on the show.

May we hear it now?

Certainly.

Don, announce it now.

Just the way we're going to do it on the show, will you?

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have the privilege of bringing you

the quartet from Rigoletto with the sportsman quartet.

I'm starring Miss Dorothy Kirsten of the Metropolitan Opera.

In the field of love.

Love or hate.

Love or pain?

Love or pain?

You or me?

Love or pain?

Love or pain?

Let me be in the end. Let me be in the end.

I'll be in the end.

Don't worry, I'm going to do it.

I'll be in the end.

Just the way we're going to do it on the show.

Love or pain?

Love or pain?

What?

Love or pain?

Love or pain?

Love or pain?

Oh, that's what he's for!

Dorothy, I must call you Dorothy now. That was simply superb.

Thank you, Jack.

You know, Miss Kirsten, my mother wanted me to become an opera singer.

Well, it's a very exciting profession indeed, but it requires intensive voice training.

I studied ten years.

In Milan?

No, do what did he.

It looks to you.

Well, Dorothy, when you do this same number on the show, I'd like to ask you a favor.

When you finish the number, don't leave the stage. We may want an encore.

Very well, Jack.

And now there's something I'd like to ask you.

What is it?

Where did you get those darling open-to-open don't-shoes?

I'm sorry, I meant to take them off. It's a long story, but here's what happened.

Everybody on stage, everybody on stage. The program goes on in two minutes.

Come on, Dorothy. Come on, kids. Let's give them a great show.

Ladies and gentlemen, the majority of American hospitals now have patients waiting to be admitted.

And the situation in many areas is growing steadily worse because of insufficient nursing personnel.

All young women between the ages of 17 and 35 who are high school or college graduates

are urged to apply for admission in any one of the 1300 accredited schools of nursing.

Apply to the one nearest you. Thank you.

Be sure to listen to the Phil Harris-Allis-Fay show on Sundays in a day in the life of Dennis Day on Wednesdays.

I want to thank Ms. Dorothy Kirsten of the Metropolitan Opera for helping us out tonight.

I also want to thank Ronald Coleman for helping me across the street.

And now if you'll excuse me, folks, my feet are killing me. Good night.

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.