Jack Benny - Christmas Wallet

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The lucky strike program starring Jack Zennie with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris,

Rochester, Dennis Day, the sportsman, and yours truly, Donald Wilson.

Ladies and gentlemen, there are only five more days till Christmas.

So let's go down to the local department store where Jack and Mary have gone to do their last

minute Christmas shopping. Mary, Mary, read my Christmas list, will you please?

Uh, gold cufflinks, platinum cigarette lighter, silk pajamas, a star sapphire ring,

a Cadillac, a diamond stick. No, no, Mary, those are the things I'm asking Santa Claus to give me.

My shopping list is on the other side. Oh, oh, here it is. A package of lifesavers,

razor blades, toothbrush, shoelaces, jacks, Benny, you ought to be a chef.

Mary, I gave you the wrong one. Here's my Christmas list. See?

Don Wilson, wallet. Well, let's go. The leather goods counter is over there.

Jesus, or is crowded? Can I help you, please? Oh, yes. I'd like to see some of your wallets.

Well, we have a large variety. All these wallets you see here are $1.98.

$1.98? Yes, sir. Jack, here's some better wallets over here.

Oh, yes. I think Don would like this one. It's a genuine cow hide.

Cow hide? How much is that? $40.

Jack, that's squeezing it. It won't give milk.

But, Mary. Look, Jack, Don has been with you 15 years. It's about time. He got him something nice.

But, Mary, $40. Oh, Jack, for heaven's sake, for once in your life, show Don you appreciate his loyalty.

You don't marry your right. I'm going to get down this wallet. He deserves it.

Mr. I'll take that $40 wallet. Yes, sir. Does that include the engraving? Oh, yes.

What would you like to put on it? The prize.

Now, wait a minute. I want to enclose one of these cards. Let's see. What do I write to Don?

To Don. A very merry Christmas from Jack Benny. Here it is, Mr. Make a nice gift package and see

that Mr. Wilson gets it before Christmas. Yes, sir. Come on, Mary, I want to go to the sporting

goes apartment and get something for Phil. Now, here we are. See, they sure have a nice

assortment of guns and honey equipment, Jack. Yeah, I think I should be able to get something for Phil here.

They seem to have almost- And they are help you, sir.

Yes, yes, Clark. I like to get something for a friend who is quite a sportsman.

Well, we've got all kinds of camping equipment. Does he sleep outdoors, much?

Yes, sometimes right in front of the house.

Jack. Clark, he has all the camping equipment he needs. His favorite sport, though, is hunting.

He makes two or three trips a year to the high Sierra. Oh, does he hunt bear?

Well, a few days ago, it-

Uh-oh. Hey, Mr. Ask me that again, will you?

It does he hunt bear. No, Patrillo makes him wear his unions soon.

What's the matter, Clark? Didn't you get it?

Yes, and if you'll lend me your handkerchief, I'll wipe it all.

Look, I didn't come here for any of your silly wise crags.

He thinks he's smart, doesn't he, Mary?

Uh, don't talk to me. I'm pretending I'm not with you.

What?

And now, sir, supposing you look over some of these items while I take care of another customer.

Okay, okay. Do you mind if I fool around with this gun?

Not at all. It's loaded.

Say, Mary, Mary, I wonder a thing.

Hello, Mr. Viennese.

Hello, Mr. Kitzel.

Are you doing your Christmas shopping?

Yes, I'm buying a Christmas present for my wife.

She's always complaining she hasn't got what to wear.

So, I think I'll get her something sporty in the line of clothes, you know.

Well, that sounds nice. Why don't you get your wife a pair of slacks?

You never saw my wife.

She's not the type to wear slacks.

Why?

Well, she should be a slacks. She's lumpy.

Oh, your wife is a little chubby, eh?

A little chubby.

From the back, she looks like Don Wilson from the front.

And sideways, you wouldn't believe it.

I'll take your word for it.

Tell me, Mr. Viennese, what are you getting your neighbor, Fak Trishmeth?

My neighbor?

Yes, Ronald Goldman.

Oh, no, that's Ronald Coleman.

I don't know what to get him, but I'll think of something.

Yes, I suppose.

Well, I better finish my shopping.

Lumpy is expecting me home, Padina.

Goodbye, Mr. Getzola.

Merry Christmas.

Feeling his reciprocal.

Come on, Jack.

Make up your mind. We still have other shopping to do, you know.

All right, you know, I think I'll take this fishing outfit.

Oh, Claire, it's just a minute. I have other customers.

All right, I'll wait.

That'll be 876, madam.

Hmm.

Have you decided on that, sir?

Good, that'll be 1275.

Gee.

Yes, ma'am, 1650 out of 20.

Gosh.

Ouch!

Finally got your nose caught in a ditch, you know.

Never mind, just give me that fishing rod.

Now wrap it up and I'll call for it later.

Come on, Mary.

Gee, my nose hurts.

Oh, well.

It's your own fault. Now, let's finish our shopping.

Hey, hey, wait a minute, Mary.

What's the matter?

I've been thinking about that card I put in Don's gift.

You know, I think I should have written something clever.

I'm going back to the wallet department.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Oh, Claire, Claire, yes, sir.

Remember me? I bought a $40 wallet here a few minutes ago,

and I'd like to change the card.

But, mister, I've already got it wrapped with ribbon and

tinsel and everything.

Well, I'm sorry, but you'll have to open it up.

I want to change the card.

But, mister, now please, I'm a customer here.

Open it up.

Okay.

I know what I'll do.

I'll write a poem.

Oh, fine.

Henry Wadsworth tightfellow.

Oh, oh, I've got one.

To Don.

This gift is from Jackie and Golly O Shucks.

I hope that you like it.

It costs 40 bucks.

There you are.

There you are, mister.

Wrap this up with a gift.

I'm wrapping it.

I'm wrapping it.

Come on, Mary.

You know, Mary, I'm glad I'm giving down that $40 wallet.

Yeah, it'd be kind of tough to get a rhyme for $1.98.

Now, Mary, let's go up to the mezzanine and...

Oh, oh, Phil!

Hey, Jackson!

Hello, levee, you little fugitive from the dull colors.

Hello, Phil.

My is certainly loaded down with packages.

Yeah, I've been shopping all day.

Got presents for everybody.

How about you, too?

Well, I'm nearly finished with my shopping.

Your five bucks is almost gone, huh?

Phil, for your information, I just spent $40 on Don Wilson.

What'd you do? Take him to lunch?

No, I...

Look out, Phil.

One of your packages is slipping.

Yeah, there it goes.

Oh, darn it.

Now, I'll have to get readily another present.

Let's move away. I'm getting dizzy.

Phil, did you get gifts for the rest of your band?

Yeah, but every guy marks for a pair of bedroom slippers.

Bedroom slippers for your musicians?

Uh-huh, I thought if I could get them started with those,

maybe we could get shoes on them later.

Oh, that would be wonderful.

Anyway, I can all my boys take care of the only one I ain't got a gift for yet is Alice.

Maybe she'd like to boo.

Good be. She thought he was great and elephant boy.

Phil, that's taboo.

He's a picture star.

I wouldn't know. I'm a radio man, myself.

Well, I'll be running along. I've got to get rid of another bottle of toilet water.

Toilet water?

Phil, that bottle that broke was toilet water?

Certainly, if it was the other, do you think I'd have stood here and let it soak into the rug?

See you later, Jackson.

Bye, Phil.

Goodbye, Phil.

Come on, Mary.

You know, I'm going to be on Phil's show, but he doesn't know it, you know.

Hey, let's go up to the mezzanine. They always have nice things up there.

Okay, here's the elevator.

Yeah.

The mezzanine, please.

See that's funny, Mary?

Four guys running one elevator.

Slurping floor?

Christmas toys for those in boys, sweaters, shirts, and ties.

Of course, it stays meant to pay to fix any size.

You will like lucky strikes by them here, because they're round and firm and fully packed just like Santa Claus.

Phil, as you pass my floor, look at how I wanted to get off of the mezzanine.

Third floor.

Here you find Venetian blinds, pool, and dildered shoes, movie rails, rubber heels, boots, and buttons, shoes,

coaster bikes, lucky strikes, Taiwan, and you'll see.

Your best bet in cigarettes is LSMFT.

Phil, look, take me down.

Yeah, I wanted the mezzanine.

Four floor.

Oh, for the pots and pans, garbage cans, silver, wearing knives,

budgie whips, and pillow slits, china, wear and chide,

cartons of smoke, you love, make a perfect gift.

Lucky's are the best by far, so give your friends a lift.

Look at Palace, please.

I wanted the mezzanine.

Take me to the mezzanine.

Fifth floor.

Pussy rolls, donut holes, button hooks, and folds.

Files into fitzer chin, shovels, brake, and walls.

Railroad spikes, lucky strikes, get them on this floor.

Watch your smoke and lucky strikes, for sure that you want more.

Look, boys, I want to finish shopping.

Now, take me down to the mezzanine.

Going down.

Mezzanine gasoline, alligator bags, pokes, and pokes, and dilly dogs, and turtles.

If it's sagged, let us off, let us off.

We got things to do.

Merry Christmas to you all, and a happy ending.

Merry Christmas to you all.

Thanks.

Look, Jack, we're back on the main floor.

Well, how do you like that?

I ask them to say it just as well.

You don't have them thinking about that card for Don's wallet.

Jack.

I don't think it's an appropriate card for a $40 gift.

I'm going back and change it.

Well, I am not nervous enough to face that clerk.

I'm going to buy something for my sister, babe.

Babe, what are you going to get her?

Well, she asked me to send her a telescope.

What does babe want with a telescope?

She lives across the street for the YMCA.

Oh, well, I'll meet you here later.

I'm going to change that card.

Oh, clerk, clerk, yes, sir, what can...

Oh, it's you again.

Yes, yes.

I want to change the card in that gift.

Oh, no.

No, no.

First you buy the gift, then you write the card.

Then I write the gift.

Then you change your card.

Then I don't have the gift.

Then you rewrite the card.

Then I write the gift.

And now you want to write another card.

Look, never mind that.

Just unwrap the gift.

I've already sent a card to the delivery department.

Well, look, you'll just have to go down there and get it.

All right, I'll go.

I'll go.

I haven't run into anyone like you in 20 years.

Oh, why does the governor have to give me that card?

Look, look, just bring me my packet.

All right, all right, I'll get it.

I'll get it.

Oh, I'll get it.

What an eccentric character, you know?

Something like it.

Maybe Steve, maybe we can buy something for Mr. Benny here.

OK, Joey, let's look around.

Something I can do for you, boys.

Yes, we'd like to buy something for the treasure of our club,

the Beverly Hills Beavers.

A present for the treasure of your club, eh?

How old is he?

About the same age as you.

39.

Well, boys, it's not in my business,

but how come you picked a 39-year-old man

to be the treasure of your Beavers club?

Because he's such a good businessman.

He puts all of our dues in the treasury,

and then he lends it out at 10%.

Oh, I see.

Who does he lend it to?

Us.

Oh, my God.

Actually, and now that it's Christmas,

we were thinking of getting him a necktie.

Well, that's always a nice present.

Why don't you buy him one that matches his favorite suit?

No, we like this one, and matches his eye.

Or his eye's blue.

More than the waters of Lake Louise

under a sultry summer sky.

Oh, my God.

My, where did you boys learn that?

Every Beavers has to memorize it before I can borrow money.

Oh, my God.

Well, I'm sure he'll like this time.

It's $1.50.

I'll wrap it up for you.

Thank you.

Here you are, mister.

Well, let's not have any more trouble.

Make the card out right this time, will you?

Yes, Jack. We wasted enough time.

All right.

How do you think this sounds, Mary?

To Don.

Your pear-shaped tones, many announcers, eight.

But no one can match.

Your pear-shaped shape.

Isn't that a cute one?

Yes, Jack.

It's a beautiful poem.

Nick Kenny would be proud of it.

Yeah.

Oh, hello, Mr. Benny.

Hello, Mary.

Hello, Dennis.

Well, Dennis, I didn't expect to run into you here.

Oh, I brought my mother's lunch.

She's the fanny clause.

Your mother's the fanny clause with a white beard and everything?

Yeah, and she's sure full of my father.

He climbed up in her lap and told me he wanted

Heddy Lamar for Christmas.

Oh, for heaven's sake, what did she do?

I don't know, but now my father goes around singing.

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

Oh, say, say, Dennis.

Dennis, listen.

Come here.

Come here a minute.

Wait a minute.

Come here, come here a minute.

Huh?

Dennis, you've been a nice kid.

You've been with me so long here at his Christmas.

And, well, here's a $50 bonus.

Oh, that's just a trick to get me to buy something for you.

It is not.

I don't care if you don't get me anything.

Oh, yeah, last year when I forgot to buy your present

and you picked me up and threw me in your Bendix.

What?

And then you charged me $0.40 for washing my shirts.

Look, kid, if you don't want, oh, my goodness.

What's the matter, Jack?

Just a minute.

Oh, clerk.

Now what?

Now what?

That card I wrote to Mr. Wilson.

I left it right here on the counter and I can't find it.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I found it and I put it in the package.

Wrap it up and set it down to the delivery room.

Well, I forgot to sign the card.

Oh, yeah.

Jack, Jack, let's go.

You're creating a scene.

It's okay, lady.

I'll get his package.

The customer is always right.

And this jerk is a customer.

Hey, Mary, you got to know how to handle these people, you see?

Now, come on.

Let's shop around until he gets the package

from the delivery room.

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But you can stop them by voting yes by April 21st.

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and let voters decide not politicians.

Vote yes by April 21st.

Paid for by Virginians for fair elections.

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Say, Mary, what do you think I want to get for my sister, Florence?

Well, I don't know. Long day might be nice.

Say, yeah, that sounds pretty good.

There's a long tray counter right over there.

Oh, yeah.

Upon me, would you mind waiting on us?

Uh, why not?

Your money's as good as anybody.

Well, could you show me something,

is silk lingerie?

Saigonite.

What's your size?

Look, they're not for me.

And they're for his sister, size 34.

OK, here's a whole box of them.

Will you lay the lingerie out for us, please?

Well, just a minute till I put my gloves on.

Gloves?

Touching that stuff with my bare hands makes me a nervous wreck.

What?

Especially the black ones.

Look, look, mister, we haven't got all day.

Show us something in size 34.

OK, here's a nice little garment.

A genuine pure silk nightie.

Gee, that's awfully pretty.

I think this would be very, uh, uh, wait a minute, mister.

What are these little loops on the bottom of the night gowns?

The loops?

Yeah.

Yeah, the loops.

Yes, and what are the loops for?

When you go to bed, you hook them over your toes

so the night gown won't creep off on you.

Well, that's swell, really.

Wrap it up and center to my sister.

Mrs. Floor and Span show.

Here's the address.

Yes, sir.

Oh, look, Jack, there's Rochester doing his Christmas shopping, too.

Yes, I want to hear what he's getting.

And I do anything for you?

Yes, I'm looking for a Christmas present for my boss.

Perhaps if you told me something about your employer,

I'd be able to make some suggestions.

How old is he?

That and what happened to the gas man

are the two burning issues of Beverly Hills.

Well, you can't go wrong if you get him a nice scarf.

We have some beautiful silkworms for $20.

Yeah, yeah, I'd like this.

It's not clear, you know.

No, I'm afraid $20,000 is more than I had in mind.

We also have some lovely ones for $15.

That's still too much.

$12.50?

Uh-uh.

Well, we have other gifts for about $10.

$750?

$6?

$5?

When you get down to a buck and a quarter, wrap it up!

Well, that's not much of a gift.

What does your boss usually give you for Christmas?

A brand new dollar bill and a lecture on the evils of wine, women, and songs.

Oh, well, look, if he's that kind of a man, why do you keep working for him?

Well, it's kind of hard to explain.

But he's good, thoughtful, kind, considerate,

and he gives me his all-too-pays to cover my bicycle seat.

Oh.

Well, here's a nice red scarf, which is really an excellent buy.

I'd rather take this one here.

The color will match his eyes.

Are his eyes blue?

Blower than the waters of Lake Louise under a sulfury summer sky.

Oh, are you a beaver?

No, but I work like one.

Jack, uh, what did he mean by that?

I don't know, Mary.

Some little joke, I guess.

Oh, come on, let's go and see.

Oh, Mary, man, I just thought of something.

Not again.

Come on with me, it'll only take a minute.

Oh, clerk, clerk, here's the package.

I got it up from the delivery room.

I'll go on and sign the card.

No, no, no, that's not important now.

I want to change the wallet.

What?

Instead of the $40 one, I'll take the one that costs $1.98.

Oh, my God.

She was such a young fellow.

Well, I'll take them $1.98 wallet and put the money in his hand.

Come on, Mary, let's go.

I wonder if we have to.

Oh, look who's here.

Hey, don!

Don!

Oh, hi, Jack.

Hello, Mary.

Gee, what trouble I'm having in this store.

We shouldn't have such a big stomach.

Why?

Well, it seems there's a piano missing and they searched me three times.

Oh, oh.

Don, have you bought your wife's present, Jack?

Oh, yes, I did that yesterday.

But today I bought a gift for our gardener.

You got it?

Well, what'd you buy him?

A $40 wallet.

A $40 wallet for your gardener?

Jack, the only other ones they had were $1.98.

And I wouldn't give that to a doll.

Well, you can start barking, brother.

I'm Mary Christmas.

Yeah, yeah.

Very Christmas, Jack.

See you later.

Come on, Mary, let's go home.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

as is our custom, every Christmas,

this time, Dennis Day will sing of a Maria.

If you are not, my dear.

Oh, the Maria.

The Galaxy of Lena.

Maria, Gracia, Plena, Maria, Gracia, Plena.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen.