Jack Benny - Don Wilsons Story Of Twenty - Five Years In Radio

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the Lucky Strike program starring Jagpani with Mary Livingston Phil Harris Rochester

Denistane yours truly Don Wilson

Ladies and gentlemen as you all know last Friday October 20th first was Halloween and people

young and old all over the nation were bobbing for Apple yes sir so now we bring you a man whose

gums are so tender he had to bob for Apple sauce Jagpani

thank you thank you well all again this is Jagpani talking and done so that was a very

funny introduction bobbing for Apple sauce you know it's certainly clever I mean the way you

expose all my faults and defects people enjoy it too yes yes they do you know Don

don't there's a man in Pomona who gets up at four o'clock in the morning looks at a thermometer

and then broadcast frost warning I know well one more introduction like that and you'll be his

master of ceremony and incidentally Halloween is on the 31st not the 20th another word oh

Don didn't mean any harm he was just trying to get a little laugh that's all Mary we want big laughs

on this show if Don has any little laugh let him ship an east to Fred Allen and speaking of Halloween

Allen looks like he went bobbing for oranges and got a smudge pot caught under each eye

he used them to warm up the audience yeah it's Fred Allen older than you are is the older Mary

this is cruel but I've got to tell it all but I must to ask me again Mary joy all right it's

Fred Allen older than you are is the older Mary Allen died in 1896 what you hear on Sundays are

transcription I wonder how he gets those transcriptions up here

but getting back to Halloween Don what did you do last Friday night you have any fun

oh I had a wonderful time Jack I went to a masquerade party really what did you go as I let a

chain drag from the back of my belt and whether it's a gasoline truck well that's logical

don't always think it's something unique doesn't he Mary yeah I remember last Halloween he painted

lines across his back and went as a football field but a little illusion except that the

field spread out too much around the 10 yard line but everybody has fun on Halloween especially

the kids hey Jack you find out who put that sign up in front of your house no no I didn't what was

that Mary somebody took a chopped Sui sign off a Chinese resident nailed it over Jack's front door

Mary the chopped Sui sign I was Jack mad no he just put a come on on Rochester went into business

oh I just did that for a gay but I had a lot of fun Friday night too Don you know I went to a

Halloween party in Beverly Hills and I met the most wonderful girl and she was so cute you know

she came dressed as little bow peep little bow peep that's a cute costume what did you wear Jack

well I didn't know I was going to the last minute so I just wore an old costume I found up in the

attic but kids I got to tell you about this girl she wore a little black mask it seemed to oh I

don't know she was just wonderful so I really went nuts about her well I never heard you talk like

this before I can't help it when she came through the door I looked at her she looked at me and I

could just feel something run up and down my spine Mary you know what that means your costume

was up in the attic longer than you thought it was I'm serious I'm sure this girl didn't say much

but as we were dancing she would look into my eyes and call me pumpkins yeah and I called a

little bow peep she was really that mr. Benny after the program is over do you mind oh oh

hello Dennis hello mr. Benny after the program is over do you mind if you did you just get in yeah

mr. Benny after the program is over do you know how do you feel kid fine that's good I had double

pneumonia this morning but I'm all right now Dennis stop being silly if you had double pneumonia

this morning how did you come to the studio you take penicillin no I took the sunset bus

I'll cut that out look kid kid all you had was a slight cold that's all how did you catch it

well on Halloween I wanted to play a trick on my father so I put a pale of ice water over the

door so when he opened it the water would fall on his head but you put the ice water up there

for your father how did you catch the cold testing oh it worked every time

look Dennis if I had known you were going to stay at home on Halloween I would have taken you

to a masquerade party at the Beverly Hills Club oh I was supposed to go to that party with Phil but

my folks wouldn't let me so Phil went alone Phil was there see that's funny I didn't see him what

what was he dressed as little boat thief

middle boat thief Phil kiss me pumpkin

no no wonder he wouldn't take off his mask Phil you you mean jackdance with you all

even not only that liby he even asked me if he could drive me home no yeah say liby have you ever

seen the lights of the city from Mulhollum dry I can't understand it how could he shade so close

Phil I think you carried it too far why don't you tell Jack who you were what's boiling old man's

evening all right Phil if you fooled me you had your little joke now let's forget it forget it

nothing I want them nylons you promised me Alice can you

but you're not getting those nylons and I'm not putting you in pictures either

now look we've got a shoulder dude hey Jackson hey Jackson

remember Phil we've got to get on with the show I know all right but come here just a minute I

want to I want to ask you something oh all right what what is it look at me

do my eyes still twinkle like two stars in the summer sky

oh boy do you fall for everything you hear

I really put one over on you but now go ahead Phil pick up that sick and let's have a ban

number okay pumpkin never mind but I still can't understand how he could shade so close

oh

bad I was a lady from 29 palms played by little small peep and as I

I still

was happy but I still I still can't get over how he fooled me you know I should have known

it was Phil when he stopped at every house on knock on the door and said trick or drink

well Jack at your own fault you fall in love with every girl you need and then you do the

silliest thing I do not tell us what happened when I introduced to that girl in New York

married what happened very well Jack went up to her apartment turned the lights down low put one

arm around her waist and whispered darling I want you to have something to remember me by married

then he took off his two pay pulled out three hairs and stuck them in her locket

ledger shows how much I thought of her anybody else could grow them back me it cost $30

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megastores paid for by the electronic payments coalition i look kids we've got an important

play to do tonight it's very important so let's get on with it go ahead down with the introduction

okay ladies and gentlemen for our feature attraction tonight we're going to present our

version of that stirring thrilling waterbothers production dark passes

story concerns an unfortunate man who is serving a life term in the state penitentiary

or murder but wait why should I tell his story let him tell it

my name is Humphrey Belly

I was serving a life sentence for the murder of my wife it wasn't intentional murder

one night when she went to bed I turned the electric blanket up too high

he never would have caught me if I hadn't put that apple in her mouth

next thing I knew I was in cell 13 in the state prison I remember my first meeting with my cell

I asked him how long he'd been there and he said I've been in this prison for now

until 20 years

what are you in for curly arson arson yeah I signed some other guy's name to a check

wait a minute that's not arson sure it is I signed it arson well

oh curly you may not have a spoon but you're sure sir crazy

hmm say uh what are you in for murder murder yes my wife I was married her for one year

and then I killed her here's her picture hmm what took you so long

I couldn't face it tell me curly what kind of clink is this anyway oh it's not too bad

as long as you don't break the rules but last year they threw me in solitary confinement solitary

yes but too long must they kept me in the cell of on myself 60 days I was in the wrong alone

alone alone alone she that must have been awful no I'm crazy about myself

what if I hadn't had a mirror I would have gone nuts

well the jail could be worth it hey wait a minute why did the lights turned in

are they testing the electric chair slugger Wilson goes in there in a few minutes look here comes

the guards with them now so long slugger so long curly I'll still Wilson while we strap you in

there now guard get ready to throw the switch no no please don't please don't please throw the

switch

close to the dickles yeah oh that's a dickles I tell you well Wilson it'll be easier for you if

you stop squirming now stop squirming oh darn it that's a third carry broke this week

ah

deep curly I thought slugger Wilson was supposed to go to the chair in June here it is November

took him four months to eat his last meal

hey what's there some guys in the next cell they sing all the time

why do they always have such good singers and prison I hate that stuff

oh we wish we had someone to love us we'd be happy as happy could be

we want someone to take us out of prison for send us and they'll send us and they'll send us

ah

they're found and sold for man sold for me for me for me for me back like the sace we used to crack

as the man who knows where the best to back it goes that's why we light up

on what he's this new happy boom there's a man can chat or two there's a cigarette we

ever said they can't make curly they do that on the island

hey we're gonna shut up oh we're gonna be packed up at the same time

the end of the day oh my god that's the man

thanks curly you know I say who's that guy coming down the corridor huh oh him

there's a playwright trying to get some atmosphere for a prison play let me see

hey I know him that's Norman Krasna to be heartbroken to see me here in prison

hey Norman Norman look where I am

gee what a sense of humor

well I better shave hey curly where's the hot water are you kidding I know hot water in this cell

what no hot water why ain't gonna stain a jail like this hey guard

guard take him to the war thank you to the war

so the guard took me to the war I'll never forget that harrowing walk down the long

wrong corridor as I cast the condense the guard said

poor devils they're doomed as I cast a solitary film the guard said

poor devils they'll go crazy as I cast a woman in the cell the guard said

as I cast a work cell I stopped and went back for the guard

oh

finally we reached the warden's office the guard told me to go in myself I opened the door

and I faced the kindly old gentleman sitting behind the big desk and said a warden

what yeah

what kind of a prison is this anyway what kind of cells if you got here no hot water no mattresses

and our television set doesn't work either and the food is bad too really what did you have for

dinner last night well let me see we started with soup your entree hash your dessert pudding your

age 38 I look warden I ain't gonna stand for this kind of treatment see you'll stand for it and

like it now go back to your cell I won't go back to myself either let me out of here or send me

to the electric chair yeah hear me send me to the electric chair I'd love to but I like bills too

high now now get back to your cell and stay there

went back to my cell determined to escape I planned I skimmed

never seven long years I got my chance a parole came through for number 60734 I was curly

so last night I knocked him on the head and changed his outfit it worked it took me to the

day gave me a new suit of clothes and a five dollar bill and they handed me a tube of bubble

moon and told me to blow

well I left I was quite confused things on the outside were in terrible shape financial instability

political unrest and worse of all they were wearing them long

there was nowhere to go nothing to see I was stretching the loans and rolled from the jail

towards the city when a car stopped beside and a boy said I want to lift it a town big boy

I stood there staring for a minute I couldn't speak I just couldn't speak suddenly it happened

bubble moon bust

that's better I can see your face now hop in the car blue eyes and I'll take you to town

okay miss miss but call but you can call me Lauren Lauren if you don't feel like calling just

whistle hop in

you've been in prison haven't you yeah yeah how did you know saw the picture

you know it's well driving along sitting next to you I've been in prison so long I've forgotten

what girls look like the glorious fragrance that lovely older what is it gasoline my tag blanks

now where would you like me to take you I don't know this time of the night too late for the

palladium and too early for breakfast at Brennan's I don't know where to go I'll tell you what you

can write up the top of Mohol and drive and park no thanks I was up there on Halloween

I look Lauren I'm in trouble see I just broke out of prison and they'll be looking for me in a few

hours well if that's your problem I know a plastic surgeon who can change your face and nobody

will recognize you say that no why should I go to the trouble of having my face change they might

catch me anyway you'll still be ahead okay I'll try and I'll pull a couple of jobs that'll make

the rich yeah that's what I'll do I don't get your angle big boy they've ever thought of going

straight you know I kind of like you you ever thought of getting married yeah sometimes I

think I'd like to get married settle down in a vine-covered cottage with a wife and have

ten or twelve children get out mister this is as far as we go

huh what well this is where that plastic surgeon has his office good let's go in

doctor's office was on the second floor I followed her up the stairs she was wearing a long

tube I walked down the hall I began to feel quite nervous afraid Lauren sensed how I felt

walk over to encourage she kissed my came to I was in the doctor's office you were feeling my pulse

with one hand and my wallet with the other finally he said mr. Benny as long as I'm going to change

your face who do you want to look like I don't know I just don't want to be recognized well I can

make you look like a young man or an old man or if you really want to disguise yourself I can put

some glass in the back of your head and make you look like a steuda baker now how the winch

heel wipers have drive me nuts then you think looking like a steuda baker would do the trick go

ahead very well I'll call my assistant oh dr. McNulty here I am dr. shell I gosh you sure lost

up this guy's face he hasn't started yet now look I'm in a hurry let's get on with the

operation very well I'll go in the next room and put on my gown hey dr. McNulty will it hurt much oh no

he's the best plastic surgeon in town really uh-huh 10 years ago a man came in to have his

nose straightened out so the doctor sat him down in a chair stood behind the man reached down and

grabbed the patient's nose and both hands had began pulling up he pulled and pulled and pulled

and all of a sudden boy didn't the guy sue why should he today that man is Bob hope

I hope my operation turns out okay

dr. came back was carrying his surgical instruments and he had slipped into his operating gown

he was wearing him long too the adjuster the equal to my nose

again and hailey my head began to work I began to hear voices that like bills do high now do

high now do high now do high now then I caught a blurred vision of Lauren look on time she was so beautiful

I wanted a marryer I cried to Lauren Lauren she looked at me 10 new

her voice was so beautiful suddenly things got dimmer dimmer my head world faster and faster

and then I passed out

I came to the operation was over they removed the bandages I looked in the mirror it was even better

than I expected I looked like a Cadillac I had white sidewall ears the doctor was pleased too

he was smiling and he said how do you feel mr. Benny I mean fine thank you

I was so happy that I ran out of the doctor's office but my happiness didn't last long people

recognized so I went back to the doctor and had my face changed again this time I looked like a

viewing but people still recognize it so I had my face changed again now I look like an old movie

but I still wasn't saying not only were people recognizing me but I was going broke buying license

plate it was all you finally a desperation I sold myself to the smiling iris but

they were too tough on me and made me into a bus I am now running between Anna

and I am a Zuzer and Kukamaka all aboard

Friends, every worthwhile undertaking usually has a slogan, sort of an identifying phrase

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The community chest has one, a fine one which says, everybody benefits, everybody gives.

It's sort of like the golden rule, the rule, do unto others, as you would have them

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of the community chest a practical aid to the health and welfare of millions of Americans.

Everybody benefits, everybody gives.

Thank you.

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Ladies and gentlemen, stay tuned in for the Phil Harris Alice Face Show, which follows

immediately and be sure to listen to a day in the life of Dennis Day on Wednesday night.

And next Sunday on my own show, I have one, you know.

I'm expecting a visit from my next door neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman.

Good night folks.

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

Warning, the following Zipper Cruder radio spot you are about to hear is going to be filled with F words.

When you're hiring, we at Zipper Cruder know you can feel frustrated, for Lauren even.

Like your efforts are futile, and you can spend a fortune trying to find fabulous people,

only to get flooded with candidates who are just fine.

Fortunately, Zipper Cruder figured out how to fix all that.

And right now, you can try Zipper Cruder for free at zippercruder.com slash zip.

With Zipper Cruder, you can forget your frustrations, because we find the right people for your roles fast,

which is our absolute favorite F word.

In fact, four out of five employers who post on Zipper Cruder get a quality candidate within the first day.

Fantastic!

So, whether you need to hire four, 40 or 400 people, get ready to meet first rate talent.

Just go to zippercruder.com slash zip to try Zipper Cruder for free.

Don't forget that's zippercruder.com slash zip.

Finally, that's zippercruder.com slash zip.

Warning, the following Zipper Cruder radio spot you are about to hear is going to be filled with F words.

When you're hiring, we at Zipper Cruder know you can feel frustrated, for Lauren even.

Like your efforts are futile.

And you can spend a fortune trying to find fabulous people, only to get flooded with candidates who are just...

Fine.

F***!

Fortunately, Zipper Cruder figured out how to fix all that.

And right now, you can try Zipper Cruder for free at zippercruder.com slash zip.

With Zipper Cruder, you can forget your frustrations, because we find the right people for your roles fast,

which is our absolute favorite F word.

Four out of five employers who post on Zipper Cruder get a quality candidate within the first day.

Fantastic!

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Don't forget that's zippercruder.com slash zip.

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Access to affordable credit helps me pay my employees.

But I don't really need it.

The solution is killing me!

But who cares?

Big retailers are making record profits!

That's why we support the Durban Marshall credit card bill!

See?

Things in credit unions help small businesses make payroll.

This bill would cut the vital resources they need.

While increasing Megastore profits.

They deserve it.

Don't they?

Tell Congress, stop the Durban Marshall money grab for corporate megastores.

Paid for it by the Electronic Payments Coalition.