Jack Benny - The Egg And I

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Paired for by the Electronic payments coalition

The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike.

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The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with very living since Phil Harris Rochester

in Tennessee, and yours is truly done with it. Ladies and gentlemen, last week the

start of our show felt that he needed a vacation. So he took the week off and went to New York.

So tonight I'm happy to announce that the prodigal son has returned, and here he is, Jack Benny.

Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking and done. I think that was a very fitting introduction

because I do feel like a prodigal son. Well, thank you Jack, and welcome home, and it's

very appropriate to the prodigal son being welcomed by the padded cab.

Well done, it's good to be back. Well, do you have a good time in New York, Jack?

Wonderful, I saw more of us. Everybody I knew, Irving Berlin, B. Lillie, Ed Sullivan, Fred

Allen, Jack Eigen. Oh, so you saw Fred Allen, huh? Yeah. Well, how'd you find Fred? I just pushed

aside those bags and there he was. Honestly, John, he has the biggest bags over his eyes.

Over his eyes? Yeah, he's wearing them in an up sweep this year. He got tired of stepping

on it. You know, I saw Fred in his broadcast. It's really amazing how lucky he's been. What

do you mean lucky? The way he ran a case of sinus into a million dollars.

Honestly, John, the way Fred talked, he saw... Well, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack, welcome home.

Well, that's a fine welcome home. Haven't you got a great big kiss? I had one, but last

week I gave it to Robert Taylor. All right, so couldn't you save a little kiss for me?

Jack, when Taylor takes over his show, he takes it all. Well, I will say one thing, he did

a wonderful job. And so did you, Mary. You were great last week. I was in New York and

I heard it. I can't. No, they show. Anyway, I had a wonderful vacation in New York. You

know, this year they're having one of the most successful theatrical seasons they've

ever had. They charge a lot of money, you know, for their tickets, but it's worth it.

What show? The Streetcar Name Desire, High Button Shoes, Inside USA, and Mr. Robert. Oh,

guys, Jack, I certainly envy you. How does it like a Streetcar Name Desire? Well, I didn't

get to see that show. I'm sorry, I missed it. Oh, that's too bad, but Jack, I'll bet you

enjoy High Button Shoes. I heard it was a great musical. Yeah, well... I didn't see that one,

either. You see, before I knew it, it was Thursday night, and that was the night I was going

to see Mr. Robert. Well, Jack, when I get to New York, that's the show I'm most anxious

to see. Mr. Robert? Yes, yes. How'd you enjoy that? Well, that's the one I'm really sorry

I missed. See, I got as far as the lobby and the girl in the box office made me so mad

I wouldn't go in. What'd you say to you? 660, please. 660, please. Some smart Alex since

you took over the show last week. 660, anyway, money had nothing to do with it. Henry

Fonda, the star of Mr. Robert, gave me two passes. I wish I hadn't sold them. Now, what

about you, Mayor? Anything happened with you while I was away? Oh, nothing much except that

I received another letter from my mother. Your mother? Well, what does the Republican dark

horse of Plainfield have to say? I've got it right here. Do you want me to read it to you?

No, but you're going to do it anyway, so go ahead. All right. My darling daughter. As Alan

would say, if you didn't read it, the program will be short, you know. Says it every week,

the same thing every week. Go ahead, I'm sorry. My darling daughter, Mary, I received your

letter and I want to thank you for sending me $25 for Mother's Day. You're so generous.

Another girl with tenor mother, a whole week salary. Here you are, generous. Mary, I bought

myself a dress for some of the money and with the rest of it, I bought Papa a beautiful

monogram wall as it keeps his unemployment checkstand. And that reminds me, your sister babe

is no longer on vacation. A couple of weeks ago, she got a telegram from John L. Lewis telling

her to go back to work. Good old babe, I'll never forget her in the Easter Parade,

trolling down the avenue with that lamp on her hat. Oh, I'm sorry, Mary. I heard you

on the program last week. The broadcast you did was Robert Taylor and I must say it was

a wonderful show without jazz. It was the first time in five years that my airwicks took

a Sunday off. No other news. I will close now. You're loving mother nature girl living.

You're not married. Your mother writes some of the fillings. Access to affordable credit

helps me pay my employees. But I don't really need it. Infliction is killing me. I don't

care. Big retailers are making record profits. That's why we support the German Marshall

credit card bill. See, things in credit unions help small businesses make payroll. This

bill would cut the vital resources they need. While increasing Megastore profits. They

deserve it. Don't they? Tell Congress stop the German Marshall money grab for corporate

megastores paid for by the electronic payments coalition.

Hi, this is Alex Cantrowitts. I'm the host of big technology podcast a long time reporter

and an on air contributor to CNBC. And if you're like me, you're trying to figure out how

artificial intelligence is changing the business world and our lives. So each week on big technology,

I bring on key actors from companies building AI tech and outsiders trying to influence it.

Asking where this is all going. They come from places like Nvidia, Microsoft, Amazon and

plenty more. So if you want to be smart with your wallet, your career choices and meetings

with your colleagues and at dinner parties, listen to big technology podcast wherever you

get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Josh Spiegel, host of the podcast, Lunatic in the newsroom.

If you enjoy journalism that trifts into mild panic, wild overthinking and a guaranteed

nervous breakdown, Lunatic in the newsroom is for you. It's news like you've never heard

before the only newsroom with a panic button. You'll laugh, you'll cry and gasp and horror

as the show spirals completely out of control. It's not just news, it's emotionally unstable.

Lunatic in the newsroom, listen today.

Oh, I don't blame you for being mad.

Well, Dennis, aren't you happy that Mr. Benny's back?

I certainly am. You know, Mr. Benny, while you were gone, I sure missed you.

Well, thanks, kid. You know, you wouldn't believe it, but I was like a lost soul. I felt awful.

I couldn't even eat. Well, that's a shame. Yeah. Next time you go away, you ought to

pace and advance.

Dennis, you've got a lot of nerve suggesting anything like that. After all, Mary was our last

week program, too. She didn't mention anything about being paid.

Well, she doesn't care about money. She got kissed by Robert Taylor.

What? He wouldn't even put his arm around me.

Dennis. I mean, it looked like much, but he ought to taste my potato pancake.

Dennis, stop being so silly, will you?

I get ready for your song.

Okay. Mary, before I forget it, will you wait and drive me home after the broadcast?

Wait a car.

Well, I'm thinking of getting a new one, so I sent Rochester out to see if you can get a good trade in, you see.

I hope that you can.

Well, look who's back, little boy, blue eyes.

Hi, Jackson.

Hello, Phil.

How's Antino's answer to it pays to be ignorant?

That's why he didn't know was in there.

Yeah, another one written in wasn't nearly as funny.

Huh?

Oh, I'm fine, Dad.

I am.

Glad you're back, Dad.

Yeah?

What's your thing in the program we did last week without you?

I thought it was an excellent show.

I thought Robert Taylor did a wonderful job.

Who did a wonderful job?

Robert Taylor.

You don't buy any chance means Bangler, Arlington, Bruce.

Yeah.

What about it?

Bangler, Arlington, Bruce.

Bruce.

Bangie.

What a name, Bruce.

Before I met him, I didn't know whether I was supposed to shake his hand or blow the foam up.

Well, anyway, what do you have to get him for when you got me?

Me?

The one and only inimitable hair.

Well, you're not inimitable.

It's just that nobody wants to be like you.

I'm surprised you've pronounced it right now.

Look at him.

Yeah.

I don't care what you say.

I'd much rather be like me than Bangler, Arlington, Bruce.

What do you got against Robert Taylor?

Merge me up.

He's married to a beautiful actress.

He's a good-looking guy.

He's got a nice wavy hair and a great personality.

So what, sir?

You're married to a beautiful actress.

You're a good-looking guy.

You've got a nice wavy hair.

And you've got a great personality, too.

I know.

Well, what about it?

Nothing.

Just one of the hair you say.

I made that.

All right, Bill, I said it.

Now, Jealous?

Bill, are you taking Bowser's your head so big that he's bending you over?

Now come on, Dennis, let's have your saw.

Well, what do you want me to sing?

I don't know, what do you got prepared?

To see the painting.

All right, sing that, sing anything will you?

Let's go.

In the night, oh, we're apart.

There's a ghost of you within my heart.

Oh, sir, you, my poor romance,

let my life rise again.

All in all, who knows, let me be.

We will repeat, we are all inside of me.

Dreams are just as you, for my long friend.

And real, my haunted heart.

We feel, my haunted heart.

Dreams are just as you, for my long friend.

Dreams are just as you, for my long friend.

Dreams are just as you, for my long friend.

And real, my haunted heart.

We feel, my haunted heart.

That was hard and hard sung by Dennis Day, very good Dennis.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, an answer to thousands of requests.

There's our feature traction tonight, where I'm going to repeat our version of that great

universal international of production, the egg and eye.

Yes, how come we aren't doing a new play tonight?

Because in order to do a new play, it has to be written.

And my writers lost their typewriter, the opening of Hollywood Park.

Now, in this sketch, I would...

All right, so they lost their typewriter's erasers.

Couldn't they dictate the scripts to their secretaries?

They lost her, too.

He looked so poor, Lauren, as they pushed her through their $5 window.

Now, in this sketch, I would play the part of...

Oh, darn it.

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Bennett, this is Rob Justice.

Oh, hello, Rob Justice.

Have you done anything about trading my car, Ian?

Yeah, I was busy all morning.

First I took it to Mad Man Month.

He looked at the car over there, and kept me, but he didn't offer much.

Well, how much did he appraise it for?

Of course, when a car gets that old, they don't appraise it, they waive it.

So, then I drove over Donna's John's place.

He looked at the car and offered us $10,75,000.

Well, I'm all under it.

The lights who played along just weren't that much.

That's the only party wanted.

Oh, it's tribal discurses, but I'm don't it?

I drove to the smiling eyes with lights.

And that's where we had a little couple of.

Why would I happen?

As the smiling eyes went blind to our car to inspect it,

he slammed the door and the fender fell off.

Which fender?

The fender.

Oh, my goodness.

They wanted you to do.

I decided to go home.

And while I was driving down Wilson Boulevard, something went wrong with the steering wheel

and the car ran right into the LeBrayer Tarpis.

Oh, that's terrible.

Worse than you think the pit threw it back out again.

The G-Rock, that's right.

I expect you to sell a car today.

You can try it again tomorrow.

Yes, sir.

Good night.

Goodbye.

Now, come on, kids.

Let's get on.

Let's get on with our play.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we will proceed with our version of the egg and eye.

In this sketch, I will be Fed McMurray

and Mary Livingston will be Claudette Colbert.

What part am I going to play, Jack?

Well, down, the scene takes place on a farm,

so you can play the part of our pig.

Oh, Jack, every time you do a farm sketch,

I play the part of a pig.

I want to do something else.

Well, what would you like to be, Don?

A canary.

Don, you a canary?

P-P-P-P-P-P.

Well, that's not so bad.

All right, Don, you can be the canary.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the egg and eye.

As the scene opens, we find the newlyweds, Claudette and Fred,

driving out to their new home.

I hope you like the new farmhouse, I bought.

Oh, I will, Mr. McMurray.

You can call me Mac.

You know, honey, I can't believe we're really married at last.

Yeah, it was such a wonderful wedding ceremony,

but you were so nervous.

I was not nervous.

You were so nervous.

I was so nervous.

I was so nervous.

I was so nervous.

I was so nervous.

I was so nervous.

I was so nervous.

I was so nervous.

I was so nervous.

I was so nervous.

I was not nervous.

You were too.

You put the ring on your own finger.

Kiss the best man.

I gave the creature a potato pancake.

Well, friend of mine makes them.

But, darling, wasn't as exciting as we drove away from the church

with those old shoes tied in back of the car.

Yeah.

I wonder what made him bounce like that.

My mother was still in them.

Oh, yes.

I cut her loose, but we went through Anaheim.

They can always use another smudge pot there.

Oh, look, there's our farmhouse.

There we are.

Look, darling, there's our new home.

Yeah, sure looks run down.

Yeah, but we'll fix it up.

There's a real estate man.

Oh, Mr.

Mr.

How do you do?

How do you do?

I just bought this house.

You're the man from the real estate office, aren't you?

Yes.

Nelson's the name.

I'm here to show you around.

What a peculiar style of architecture this house has.

It's not French Normandy.

Is it early America?

No.

Crummy colonial.

Let's go inside.

Come on, honey.

All right.

I'm talking to my wife.

Just follow me, folks.

Now show you through the house.

This is the living room.

This is the dining room.

And this is the bedroom.

Okay.

Mr. Nelson.

Does the bathroom have a tile floor?

Shall we go out and see?

Hi, this is Alex Cantrowitt.

I'm the host of Big Technology podcast,

a longtime reporter and an on-air contributor to CNBC.

And if you're like me,

you're trying to figure out how artificial intelligence

is changing the business world and our lives.

So each week on Big Technology,

I bring on key actors from companies building AI tech

and outsiders trying to influence it.

Asking where this is all going.

They come from places like Nvidia,

Microsoft, Amazon, and plenty more.

So if you want to be smart with your wallet,

your career choices,

and meetings with your colleagues,

and at dinner parties,

listen to Big Technology podcast

wherever you get your podcasts.

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Hi, this is Alex Cantrowitt.

I'm the host of Big Technology podcast,

a longtime reporter and an on-air contributor to CNBC.

And if you're like me,

you're trying to figure out how artificial intelligence

is changing the business world and our lives.

So each week on Big Technology,

I bring on key actors from companies building AI tech

and outsiders trying to influence it.

Asking where this is all going.

They come from places like Nvidia,

Microsoft, Amazon, and plenty more.

So if you want to be smart with your wallet,

your career choices, and meetings with your colleagues,

and at dinner parties,

listen to Big Technology podcast

wherever you get your podcasts.

Uh, Mr. Nelson, I'd like to see the kitchen.

And right through this door.

There, isn't it a beauty?

Well, I don't know.

This gold looks very old and awfully dirty.

Oh, I guess a little dust.

I'll blow it off.

Uh, Mr.

Have you tried Zen Zen?

What?

Well, it's getting kind of late.

I better go.

The Bymas, Nelson.

Goodbye.

The Bymas, Nelson.

What?

Well, it's getting kind of late.

I better go.

The Bymas, Nelson.

Goodbye.

The Bymas, Nelson.

Mr. Nelson, stop kissing her.

Well, if Robert Taylor doesn't care, why should you?

Well, darling, here we are in our own little home.

We better start getting to sleep, too.

On a farm, you know, you have to get up at four in the morning.

You're right, sweetheart.

But it's so nice to be alone.

Just the two of us.

Yeah.

Well, darling.

Good night.

Good night.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Darling.

Get out of here.

Darling, you're snoring.

No, no, that's the rooster.

It's morning.

Oh, oh.

Well, you hurry and get breakfast ready.

I'll go out and milk the cows.

Good thing I slept in my clothes.

Nice.

It's dark this early in the morning.

Now, where's that milking pale?

Now, here it is.

Easy bossy, easy.

That's a good girl, bossy.

Easy bossy, easy.

See, I can't seem to find a wrong end.

Now, easy bossy, easy.

Now, hold still, mil, while I pick the pale.

We're really going to be cut off the air tonight.

There, bossy.

There.

That's a good girl.

Oh, still, while I pick the pale and school.

There.

Oh, la, la, la, la.

Oh, la, la, la, la.

Oh, la, la, la, la.

Oh, la, la, la, la.

Hmm, better change.

Fred, are you still milking?

I'm not, but I think the cow is.

Hey, what are you holding?

Oh, look, I just found it.

It's a black kitten with a white stripe down its back.

Well, it's just that that isn't the cutest little kitty.

Have you tried Sensen?

Now, come on out, don't stand around.

We got to feed the animal.

Okay.

Oh, look, Fred.

Isn't it cute the way our canary follows us around?

And our shoe canary shoe, we got to feed the chickens.

You took it, you took it.

You took it, you took it.

You took it, you took it.

Come on, you took it.

Give the corn for you.

Oh, Fred, look at the hand sitting on the nest.

Faster, faster!

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Yes.

PA She was pretty close to a bird, but that sc配ered it.

Go away.

Oh, OK.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

Good luck.

That adolescent one.

Yeah.

He's not far, folks!

See, now we gotta get breakfast.

Well, I better get the moats for the whore, pay for the cow and...

Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Wheeee!

What happened?

Our canary steps on the pig and killed it.

Gee, that's too bad.

B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b!

What a canary! I should have gotten suspicious when he bent the bars in his cage.

Now, let's get... Oh, look, here comes someone.

Hello?

Howdy neighbors! Howdy! Z-carrices! My name live right over the hill.

Well, do you have a farm over there?

Yep, I raise little of this, little of that.

Mostly corn.

Do you see it?

No, for myself.

Oh, you have a seal?

Yeah, I see you make 20 gallon a day.

20 gallons a day. That isn't much.

Ain't bad, my old lady don't drink.

We just moved in here, Z-carrices.

How long you been living around this section?

Well, little, little, let me see.

Now, I moved here in 1918, this 1948.

That's...that's 16 years.

Wait a minute, Z-carrices.

From 1918 and I was 30 years you've lived here.

We don't count the 14 years of prohibition as living.

Got the children?

Yeah, I've got two sons, but we ain't seen them since they ran away

with the circus ten years ago, sure, missed the boy.

Well, this is saying both of them left.

Maybe one of them will come back.

They ain't likely, they're Simee's twin.

Well, Simee's twin.

Yeah, they're pretty attached to each other.

Oh, Z-carrices, you're the barnyard's answer to Phil Harris.

By the way, Z-carrices, that single over there part of your farm.

Yeah, that's the place where I raised my tobacco, son.

Those are my hide hands out there picking it now.

Where?

Right over there.

We've been, we've been thinking why I'd have had where this would be.

If we had no daddy's grave, or no else, I'm F.D.

We've been, we've been working, raising those tobacco springs.

Today's a practical lucky sight for me.

And we boon and see thee right now.

Well, once they went down to the city just to see a burly queue,

they came back and brought a sample around and burned with eyes of blood.

We've been, we've been, we're not joking.

May some difference where we roam.

We've always seen one smoke in lucky billets house and home.

We've been living.

Up, up.

Hey, Z.

Z, your farm and hands are pretty good.

Yeah, sir, yes, sir.

They sing all the time.

Hiya, neighbors.

Howdy, Z. Good to see you all.

Well, hello.

Who are ya?

In all kettles, the name live right down the road.

Which house?

No house, just down the road.

No house.

Yes, he's married to Paul Kettle, a laziest man in the state.

He's a laziest man in the world.

He won't even pick a seat.

I had to put on the store and pick him for it.

Oh, kid.

Well, what do you know?

Here comes Paul Kettle, the lazy critter now.

Name is Dennis, the folks call him Paul.

Hiya, Paul.

Hi, is he?

Hiya, folks.

Ma, I'll put your arms around me and squeeze me.

I feel like exhaling.

Better talk a little faster.

We won't get off the coast.

Well, that feels better.

Any place to lie down around here?

Oh, Paul, stand up for a while.

Oh, by the way, what are you folks figuring on reason here?

Chicken.

I wouldn't try to fire you.

I tried to raise some myself a few years ago.

It never had me luck.

What happened?

I bought ten hens.

They laid up a lot of eggs.

But none of them ever did had.

How many roasters did you have?

Oh, Rootskin!

Well, I guess it better be going along now.

I've got to go home and help my pig ride a letter.

You'll pick right letter?

I just tell him how to spell.

He already has the pen and oink.

Oh, fuck, Kettle.

You're sharper than a potato pancake.

Who's that?

Well, look, folks.

My husband and I are just going in to have breakfast.

Why don't you come in and enjoy it?

It's okay with me.

Me too.

Pick me up, Ma.

Well, come on.

Let's all go in.

Hey, wait a minute.

What happened to Zeke?

Where's Zeke Harrod?

Oh, he had to run along.

He's got his own show.

What?

He's got a Wednesday.

Oh, God.

Come home.

Breakfast is on me.

On you?

Yes.

We haven't got a table.

Oh, God.

You've only been on the farm one day, but you've got corn all over you.

You said it, and we just made it.

Come on, everybody.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I want to take this opportunity to thank Robert Taylor

for taking my place on the program last week.

He certainly did a great job.

And Mary asked for the phone with you.

Okay.

Hello?

Yes, he's here.

It's for you, Jack.

It's your sponsor.

Oh.

Hello, L-S.

How's M-F-T?

Why?

Oh, I was only trying to be cute.

Robert Taylor?

No, no.

He was on last week.

But he was only supposed to be on for one week.

But I don't need another vacation.

Look, I don't want to go to New York.

I've been there.

Where?

I don't want to go there, either.

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.