Jack Benny - Trimming Christmas Tree

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The Jack Vinny program, starring Jack Belly, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris,

Rochester Larry Stevenson, yours truly Don Wilson.

This is the night before Christmas and a Jack Vinny's house.

There are presents for all, even cheese for the mouse.

Jack is up on a chair, then he's down on his knee.

But you have to do that when you're trimming a tree.

Well, we're all through, Mary.

Gee, it was nice to either come over and help me trim the tree.

Well, if I didn't, you'd never get it done.

Say, Jack, shall I put the snow around the bottom now?

Not yet. I want to see if the lights are working.

I'll hold up the bulb, but then when I say ready, you plug it in.

Okay. Ready?

Ready.

Pull it out!

Pull it out!

Pull it out!

My goodness.

Oh, Jack, why did you make me shout it off?

Those lights were so pretty, especially those two blue ones that kept flashing on and off.

Those were my eyes.

I must have been holding on to a bear wire.

Well, it's your own fault.

Every time you fool around electricity, something goes wrong.

It does, no. I know plenty about electricity.

Oh, sure.

Remember what happened two years ago when you fixed your doorbell?

What happened?

I pushed the button and burned down Crosby's house.

Oh, stop exaggerating.

Anyway, hand me that roller tape.

Give me that tape. I'll fix this bear wire right now.

Here you are.

Thanks. Come to electricity. I know what I'm doing.

See, when you see a bear wire, you just tape it up like this.

And that way it's insulated against outside elements.

There, that ought to be enough tape.

All right, Mary, plug it in.

Okay.

Pull it out!

Pull it out!

Pull it out!

Pull it out!

For a heaven's sake.

What happened, Jack?

I taped my finger to the wire.

That's what happened.

Oh, gee.

And that time, I'd have eaten prettier than before.

What do you mean?

The nose let up, too.

That's what I meant.

Okay. Let's get this tree finished before the gang gets here.

But, Jack, what about the light?

Well, that's a let that go until later.

Now, have me one of those.

Oh, Mr. Beve.

What is the Rochester?

I baked a cake like you told me to.

Good. Did you have enough whipped cream to spell out Mary Christmas on top?

Yeah. See, boss. How many hours in Mary?

Two.

Oh.

So, you better add one.

Well, leave it. It's better than ruining the cake.

Okay.

Oh, Rochester, would you please take these Christmas tree lights and text them?

Text them.

Yes.

I ain't fooling around with electricity.

Now, what are you afraid of?

I ain't going to get hit by nothing. I can't hit back!

Oh, Rochester.

Imagine being afraid of electricity.

Suppose Robert Poulton was afraid of electricity.

He never would have invented the electric light.

What is?

Yeah, if you're thinking of Thomas Edison.

Edison? Well, then what did Robert Poulton do?

He said, don't get up the ship!

I was John Paul Jones.

Now, let's not start that again.

Now, Rochester, please fix these lights.

Okay, okay.

Let's see. Now, in electricity, there's the electrons and the electrodes.

Then there's the positive and the negative.

But I am positive, which one is negative?

Hmm.

Then there's the atom.

Now, the atoms are supposed to go from the positive to the negative.

Or, maybe they go from the electrons to the electrodes.

Then again, maybe they go from matches to mobiles.

Rochester.

Now, as long as these atoms keep passing each other, everything is alright.

But when they mean halfway and start fighting,

they're going to turn on anybody who tries to butt in.

Rochester, I'm not interested in the scientific detail.

They just want you to fix those lights.

And I promise you, while you're holding the wires,

no one in this room will turn on the switch.

I know, boss.

While I'm holding the wire, you ain't going to turn on the switch.

And Mr. Levinson ain't going to turn on the switch.

Of course not.

But way up there, Boulder Dam is a little man sitting in a room with pounds of wires.

What?

I don't know here ain't going to do something just to break the monotony.

Oh, alright, I'll fix it myself.

Go back in the kitchen.

Come in.

I'm looking for Mr. Benny.

Mr. Jack Benny.

Me?

Yes.

But you're a policeman.

Well, now, was he in this blue uniform has given me a wagon?

But, uh, but, but officer.

Mary, say something.

But, but officer.

That all you can say?

That's all you said.

Now, now, officer.

Mr. Benny, I had to be doing this to you on Christmas Eve.

But I have a complaint about you disturbing the peace last week at Moore's department store.

At Moore's department, oh, that.

Well, officer, that wasn't my fault at all.

At first, I had trouble with some crazy poor walker who kept powering.

Stop breathing on my carnation.

And then, a little slower, please.

I'm writing it down.

Yes, sir.

How many yards in condition?

One.

And then some silly guy kept powering.

He asked me what I thought I ought to buy his wife for Christmas.

I didn't mind it the first time at the second time.

But he kept hounding me.

And just before the real trouble started, I was standing by the perfume counter.

But all of a sudden, I was trying to buy some perfume for my sister for.

Here's your change, sir.

Thank you.

Come on, Mary.

Let's get over it.

I beg your pardon, Mr. Oh, it's you again.

What do you think I ought to buy my wife for Christmas?

I told you before I don't know what you should buy your wife for Christmas.

Figure it out yourself.

Figure it out yourself.

Figure it out yourself.

Figure it out yourself.

Figure it out yourself.

Figure it out yourself.

Fine, Christmas spirit.

Look, I don't care what you buy your wife for Christmas.

Don't buy her anything.

Don't buy her anything.

We've been married for 12 years.

What are you trying to do?

Break us up?

Look, I don't know your wife.

I've never seen your wife.

What's going on here?

What's the trouble?

That man's been caught stealing somebody's wife.

What?

What is your age?

You gray-haired wolf.

Now, wait a minute.

I'm sorry.

One time, let me through.

What's going on here?

What's going on?

Oh, it's you, my man.

It's you being with the droopies, droopies.

Now, cut that out, and don't blame me for this.

Because it's not freeing on my cardation.

I'll bring it out as much as I like.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Don't touch everybody.

The man is mad.

Because I'm right on that.

And this is all your fault.

It's asked me to buy your wife for Christmas.

For all I care, you can buy her a dog collar.

What's that?

What's that?

There you are, folks.

See what a crazy guy is.

And you blame me.

Why it's not my fault?

I'm not the type that would start trouble.

I'm a peaceful home.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, come on, Mary.

Let's get out of here.

And that's exactly what happened, officer.

Believe me.

Hey, Gully, it's amazing.

It sounds like something you'd hear on the radio.

Yeah.

Well, I'm convinced the question should fall,

and I'm going to forget how about this complaint

that bewitching your folks at Mary Christmas?

The same to you, officer.

And a happy new year.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Say, Mary, he was a nice fellow at that.

Yes, he was.

Now, come on, Mary.

Let's put the presence around the tree

before the gang gets here.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Well, well, Mary, we got all the packages under the tree.

It looks nice, doesn't it?

It sure does.

Jackie, they're not going to use the Christmas tree lights.

Let's put on the candy cane.

Okay. Here's the box, and you can...

Hey, wait a minute.

I had 12 candy canes, and now they're only 11.

Where's the other one?

Don't look at me.

I'm not looking at you.

I'm asking you.

All right, I ate it.

Here's 10 cents.

Smarty.

I bet you'd be surprised if I took it.

I wouldn't be surprised if you sued me.

All right, let's get this finished.

Jack, you better pick up those lights off

off the floor before somebody steps on them.

Oh, yes.

Now, where can I put them?

You're going to put these lights up here on the chair.

This chair right here.

And, Mary, here's Rochester's present.

I forgot that.

Slip it under the tree.

Boy, will he be surprised?

But, Jack, I call you be surprised.

You've got toilet water written all over the package.

Well, you've got to do that with Rochester.

When he opens the package and finds a bottle,

he never stops to read the label.

Last year, I gave him a miniature ship in a bottle

and a match stuck out of his mouth for three days.

Every time I asked him something, he had an answer

to me through the crow's nest.

Believe me, Mary, I know what I'm doing.

Well, Jack, I guess that does it.

Trees all finished.

Yeah, he had looked swell.

I'm kind of tired.

I think I'll sit down for a minute and smoke a cigarette.

Mary, have you got a match?

No.

Oh, well.

Oh, say, boss.

What is it, Rochester?

Are you a subscriber yet?

My socks, I think so.

Well, people will be here soon.

You better take them off the tree.

Well, that's right.

You take them off when you're Rochester.

I'm tired.

I want to sit here a while.

Yes, sir.

Say this tree.

It's all nice.

But it's kind of dark.

Oh, no wonder the lights aren't plugged in.

How I fix that.

Run out!

Run out!

Run out!

Run out!

Run out!

For heaven's sake.

What's the matter, Dad?

I was sitting on the wire.

As long as you're here, Rochester, give me a match.

You don't need it now.

Your cigarette is lit.

Oh, yes.

Thanks, Rochester.

Don't thank me.

Thank that little man.

I was bolder than him.

Rochester.

I wonder how that guy is bolder, Dan.

I knew I was...

Oh, man.

Hello, Phil.

Are you Jackson-Marry Christmas, everybody?

Hey, do you sell?

Hey, Jackson.

That Christmas tree looks terrific.

Yeah, it is a nice tree, isn't it?

Not only that, it's grown about two feet since last year.

Phil, this isn't the same one.

You don't feel I believe in the old-fashioned way

of getting a tree.

I don't know when you get up early in the morning

and bundle yourself up warm.

You throw an axe over your shoulder

and go out in the woods, you know, way out in the wilderness

and chop down your own Christmas tree.

Yeah, you're right, Jackson.

Where'd you find this one?

In the lobby of the Beverly Wilson Hotel.

You said it.

Yes, sir.

Stay Jackson, you oughta see the tree I got in my house.

I got it all decorated and then right on top,

I got a big red star.

A red star? Phil's supposed to be a silver star.

I know, but this way I get five red points.

Oh, Harris, you humorous.

You're the mark train of your generation.

Mark Train, Phil, it's Twain.

Twain, will you?

Phil, after a gag like that,

your lucky Santa doesn't scratch you with his claws.

Say, say, that was pretty good, too.

Don't bother sending his cracker, Jack mother.

We're now getting corned by the tons.

Oh, I don't know, Mary, I thought that was pretty cute.

Hey, Phil, what are you got in that package there?

Oh, I forgot, Jackson, it's a Christmas present for you.

For me?

Yeah, me and the boys in the band all chipped in and got it for you.

Well, thanks, thanks. I'll put it under the tree.

Oh, no, you don't. No, you don't.

Open it up right now.

Okay.

It was certainly nice of you and the boys to think of me.

No, I really didn't.

Aw, Phil, thanks.

Gee, a beautiful turtle neck sweater.

Gee.

Well, look inside of it, Jackson.

Inside?

Oh.

Oh, Phil.

What is it, Jack?

A turtle.

Fine present.

Fix him.

Imagine bringing me a turtle for thing, Mary.

Come here, Phil.

Phil, sit down on my chair.

Well, thanks, Jackson.

Are you, uh, are you comfortable, Phil?

Sure.

Good, good.

Mary.

Mary, push me a lot.

Oh, Jack, you wouldn't dare.

I'll give it to myself.

Hey, Jackson, what about my press?

Yes, sir.

Where you are?

You'll get it.

You'll get it.

It's a surprise.

Mary, watch it, Jack.

One, two, three.

There.

Hmm.

Phil.

Phil, don't you feel anything?

No, why?

Hmm.

Well, what about the surprise?

What's the matter?

We're having a little trouble at Boulder Dan.

Mary, I can't understand what went wrong.

Phil, stand up a minute.

Okay.

Let's see.

It must be something wrong with this thing.

Pull it out.

Pull it out.

Pull it out.

Oh!

I think to do to a guy our Christmas Eve.

Well, if you're all fault for trying to play a trick on Phil.

Oh, so that's it, Jackson.

Trying to give me a husky.

Always nothing, Phil.

I was just trying to have a little f-

Pull it out.

Pull it out.

Jack, that's a jaw fail.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

Come in.

Hi, Adam.

Hello, Larry.

Hello, Adam.

Larry.

I'm glad you followed.

We're able to come over.

Oh, say, Mr. Benny.

Yes, Larry.

Well, last night I went to the movies and I saw a picture called Hollywood canteen.

You did?

Yes.

And you want to know something?

Well, you were in it.

Yes.

Yes.

I know, kid.

I happen to see the picture.

Eight times.

What?

On the days he can't go, he sends me.

Rockets.

Between you and me, that thief never gets the chance to cool off.

Never mind.

Well, say, Jack, I saw the picture, too.

You did, Don?

Well, Don, tell me.

How did my violin solo go over?

Well, Jack, this will amaze you.

Really?

When you started to play, the man next to me got all excited and enthused.

Oh, I get it, Don.

I get it.

You don't have to.

Okay, Mr. Benny.

I got the kid.

Call me on the table.

Come on, fellas.

Let's have a little bite.

Take it easy, fellas.

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

There's enough for all.

Yes, folks.

You don't have to crit all.

Just line up to the right and have your ticket stuff ready.

Rockets, you're this is Christmas.

Oh, yes.

Excuse me.

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Hey, who can that be?

Come in.

Well, I'll be done.

I need a buck, who will ever buy it?

I need a buck, who will ever buy it?

Well, well, well, what a surprise.

Andy Devise.

What do you think of it?

Thanks a lot.

No, no, Andy, you're a boys and figure.

You're both a little hustier, I think.

Hey, Andy, there's Don Wilson.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, skinny.

Hello, fatso.

Well, that's the first time I ever heard a pot call a pot, a pot.

Hey, Andy.

Andy, how's your mother?

Oh, she's swell, buck.

Hey, you know, it's nice the way you think of her every year.

Oh, I always call my friends around the holidays.

Well, you don't have to worry about more.

Buck, she wouldn't think of buying her Christmas cards from anyone else.

What's in them?

I know, that's why I always throw in a couple of extra ones.

Here you are, both.

Here's the...

Oh, hello, Mr. Devise.

Hello, Rochester.

How glad you got me on the bus.

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without you.

Well, thanks, Rochester.

You know, the holidays wouldn't be the same if I didn't see all of you, both.

Those are the two voices that drove gravel-gurdy into hiding.

Hey, come on, Andy.

You're just in time to have a bite to eat.

And listen, I've been saving a bottle of champagne just for this occasion.

Let's drink a toast.

Champagne, oh.

Come on, fellas, everybody.

Oh, Rochester, give me that bottle of champagne.

Here, boss.

Shall I open it?

No, I'll open it myself.

Thanks.

You.

Now, let's see.

Champagne cards are so tight.

See, they're hard to get loose.

Those were the rules, folks.

On the right.

I didn't say so.

Don't just stand there.

Pull a cork out of his mouth.

It's the rules, the rules.

Okay, hold your hand still, Jackson.

I'll pull a cork out.

It's the rules.

Now, there.

Jack.

Jack, say something.

What?

Here, Rochester.

Rochester, fill the glasses.

Yes, sir.

Hey, fellas.

How about a toast?

Hey, I got one.

You got to go ahead, Andy.

A toast, go ahead.

Here's to you, Buck.

Very fill in the whole gang.

We've been friends for a long time, and I hope it always stays that way.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Jack, can I give a toast to?

Sure, sure.

Go right ahead, Mary.

I'm Merry Christmas to everyone everywhere.

Yeah, Merry Christmas, everybody.

Merry, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Hey, Jack.

Jack, how about a toast from you?

Me?

Yeah, yeah.

I'd like to give a toast, too, Don.

This is a toast to a lot of fellas I met in Africa, Europe, and the South Pacific.

And to all you other boys out there, I wasn't lucky enough to meet.

Fellas, this is Christmas Eve.

A time for happiness and good fellowship.

A time when our hearts should be humble and forgiving.

But this is war.

And I've seen what you boys are up against on both sides of the world.

I know the Christmas spirit must seem a very distant thing

when you're crouched in a muddy poxhole or waiting through the half-roads and slush.

I know, too, that there's very little to remind you of Christmas inside a stifling tank,

or in the icy cockpit of a B-29-6 miles above Tokyo.

Maybe you feel it is something you lost long, long ago,

because the only Christmas lights you see are the verse of shells

or the flashing path cut by tracer bullets.

But Christmas is a spirit.

A spirit that springs from within and is so strong,

it transcends even the ugly scenes of a battlefield

and fills the soul with a passion to defend the things that are right and just.

You are the ones who have gone to the end of the earth

to preserve the freedom you know belongs to every man.

To hasten the day when all mankind can once again live in dignity and in peace.

So here's to you, fellas.

Merry Christmas and God bless you all.

Merry Christmas and God bless you all.

Merry Christmas and God bless you all.

Merry Christmas and God bless you all.

Merry Christmas and God bless you all.

Merry Christmas and God bless you all.

Merry Christmas and God bless you all.

Merry Christmas and God bless you all.

Merry Christmas and God bless you all.

Merry Christmas and God bless you all.

Merry Christmas and God bless you all.

All is time.

All is time.

All is bright.

One young virgin, mother and child, Holy infant, so tender and mild, sleep in heaven.

Heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

Good night, folks.